Tea & Red Roses Part Six

*Before….Rose.

I look at her then up at the sky through the dancing willow fronds. “I get that. I keep looking at my life now and it’s so not perfect but it’s so much just more and different than the hell I was living through before transition.”

She’s looking up at the sky too now. “Halifax and Dartmouth are okay they really are but a whole lot of my life was school and work and then going to University down home would have been more of the same stuff and same crowds really in the lesbian community down there and the same drama or worse I’d have gone to small Podunk town university because it’s sort of got a good rep and be stuck in this little town for four years with a great chance of rednecks and phobic people and the same small as heck dating pool.”

I look at her and she’s looking at me. “Well I’m really super glad that you’re here and that we met.”
She says. “Me too Rose, nothing is like I ever thought that it was here.”
“I hope that’s a good thing?”
She rolls to face me and she’s really, really close to me and she’s actually sort of over top of me and she has this look in her eyes that makes me achy and makes me feel vulnerable all at the same time.
“Right now it’s kind of the best thing Rose.”
I was expecting it sort of…hoping…wanting but almost not daring to but it happens.
Really actually happens.
Chris leans down and she softly and sweetly kisses me.

*And Now….Chris.

It was building I think from the moment she showed up with the cute coffee and likely before that even.

I mean it’s like we had this really good connection online and it’s really only been better since.

And this…the park, the ferry, her making this whole picnic thing it was so much more than I really dared to dream that I’d get out of a date.

And I’m so, so sick of the whole hook up culture I got out of down home and all that drama with everyone knowing everyone.

That’s all really added up and it’s all like really important to me.

More important that what Rose started out as.

Or what’s in her pants.

So while we were just lying there under the tree and looking up at the sky through the willow branches it just sort of like gathered itself together as I was holding her hand.

I wanted to kiss her.

So my heart pounding like a drum I rolled over and ended up sort on top of her and there was this look of surprise and shyness they and even this really endearing bit of hope too.

I kissed her.

And I liked it.

I mean I liked it just like I like kissing any other girl.

The softness and the feeling of my lips on hers and that sexy glide of lipstick over lipstick as I softly kiss her and that oh so perfect and powerful little inhale of surprise and everything else.

She smells right, she feels right, she kisses right.

I’ll admit I’m actually really happy about that too.

There’s still those thoughts in my head about rose being trans and it’s so not anything like I’ve really read about.

She’s really pretty and she’s really vulnerable too.

And for me that’s part of it, always been part of that lesbian connection thing for me. That shared vulnerability thing.

Oh yeah there’s the actual sexuality stuff too and I like getting the thrill of kissing someone that I like just as much as the next girl and I still like that fevered thing too when things are red hot. I mean that’s all part of it but there’s this other part of me that really wants the relationship level kind of stuff.

Like no pun intended but I’ve sort of dicked around like long enough.

I think I want more.

And like lo and behold more came wrapped in a package, in a person that I was never expecting.

And then things change for even better.

Rose kisses me back.

She does this little half crunch sit up and she kisses me back and its soft and it’s sweet and she’s blinking some too in this shy yet going for it way and it sends this little zing of wow into my brain and then it does a lap or five around my heart before heading elsewhere.

We’re getting lots of stares too and there’s some folks with their kids that are doing the eating at the tables thing and even if we’re away from them all we’re getting that whole how dare you do that in public thing.

There’s this sense too you develop after a while that you can sort of feel the het-shock heading towards critical mass and about to go into like verbalized homophobia and we both feel it and we stop and break the kiss and I settle back holding myself up with one arm and look at her and we both are blushing.

Rose looks really pretty when she blushes.

Her name fits her.

I can feel heat in my face too and I look at her. “Sorry, I guess that was pretty forward of me wasn’t it?”

She smiles and it’s not that sexy little one she does like all the time this one’s this big full on smile that transforms her face and hits me hard. “I…well…I…I’m not going to complain.”

“Good, I was hoping that I wasn’t moving too fast.”

She shakes her head which is again a little cute and awesome thing with her hair the way it is. “No…I mean…I’m not really good at dating.”

I look at the stuff she brought and then back at her. “I dunno this is pretty awesome.”

She blushes and she looks down in this kind of quiet way. “No, it’s not that. It’s the whole thing when I meet someone, especially someone that I really like I go too fast Chris, and I usually fall really hard and it’s turned bad a whole bunch of times.”

Oh…

And I completely get that.

“I’m the same way, it’s like I’ve been waiting to be me and to be really like really seen as me for so long I drop everything for someone that I’m into and they don’t turn out to be the person I thought that they were or they’re just not interested as much in me as I was in them.”

Rose is starting at me and she nods shifting into this kind of rueful smile. “After we first met I was…have been trying to put the brakes on myself so hard. I was so terrified of this too even as I was making everything that it was way too much too fast.”

I shake my head. “No, I mean we’ve known each other like awhile now and this, this was pretty great.”

She does this little head tilt thing. “But it was like mostly on the phone or like online?”

“So, it’s still time spent. It’s still you still being you. Heck I know online can get skeevy but this isn’t that in fact it’s been pretty great.”

She blushes and she’s smiling that really bright smile again as she nods. “It has been pretty great. I haven’t felt like this in like…well really ever but…”

“But it’s really damn nice to see your name on my phone and it’s more than a bright part of my day to talk to you or like chat with you.” I say looking at her and she keeps it going too like we’re sharing thoughts or really sharing feelings.

“I like having you there to look forward to Chris. I haven’t had a real thing to look forward to in a long time really and this means like just so much.”

Oh god it sort of is fast and it’s not because like I said we’ve been connecting for a while now and what she’s saying is definitely like mirroring my own feelings.

It’s nice, more than nice to have someone there.

I rock backwards and stand smoothing things out and I reach down and pull rose up to her feet and we share a look and a smile.

“You promised me a swan ride.”

She’s grinning now. “Yes I did, shall we?”

I nod. “Let’s.”

We finish the lemonade and pack up the blanket and then after a quick trip to the washrooms we go and get on the swans. I was on these things once in Truro when I was a kid they had a small city park on the main drag up by the malls but they were a lot smaller than these.

They hold more than one person and we actually have a lot of fun pedalling it around and just enjoying that and being together and the nice day.

Even better we’re more secluded personally so holding hands is actually no problem.

And like even doing that’s a really big deal.

Out or not there’s a whole lot of places where two girls actually holding hands and like as a couple holding hands is like just something that doesn’t happen.

It’s just one of those things that you really don’t get to do.

And getting to just be…to like do this speaks volumes to both of us I think.

It’s like that contact that you really want; that you’ve always wanted starts to have a chance to slowly seep in.

It’s amazing really.

We head back after like maybe an hour because there’s like actual geese there in the water and I’m actually kinda scared of them and we’re laughing about it as we land back in but there was definitely one giving me the stink eye.

Then we leave and Rose and I head together to the main park part Centerville and I know it’s kind of kiddish but we actually go on the rides together.

Not like all of them but we do the teacups and we do the rocking boat and the timber-river flume ride thing too.

I liked that and there’s more time to hold hands and even a few moments that we are just floating down and around on this whole river part of it where we have space where there’s no one close enough to give us grief and while we don’t kiss we do actually snuggle up and lean on each other.

So much sigh factor just being able to do that.

And it’s like still fun too going up and down the actual ramp and slide thing which just adds a whole other dimension of fun because it’s fast and it’s wet and we scream when we’re coming down it and getting splashed and…and that’s when I kinda ended up kissing rose just before the ride was done because she had water splashed into her hair and it just sort of did this sparkly thing to her.

It was very much worth the looks we got and the few giggles from some of the folks there that were like okay with it.

It wasn’t a long kiss but it was really worth it.

Worth it enough I take her hand after we stop and I help her out of the raft and keep holding her hand as we go for a walk and end up getting one of those Archie-jalopy bicycle carts and we take it for a ride to other parts of the park.

*And Now…Rose.

This has become so much more than I really dared hope.

I mean we’re kissing and holding hands and we’re doing it in public which is a pretty big thing.

But that she’s doing that with me despite all of the other stuff about me…well honestly it’s pretty freaking miraculous.

Or it feels that way.

I know it’s a date, I know folks hold hands sometimes while dating.

I know it’s been a while now that Chris and I have been seeing each other sort of online and on the phone and like learning about each other and things.

But when good things actually really happen it’s…It’s like divine intervention, it feels that big that it’s almost not real.

And then we’re doing things that sort of break it up from the date happy fog and sort of grounds us like when we went down the flume slide and laughing and well getting wet.

Or being on the share-bikes and laughing as we’re really out of shape both in trying to get any kind of speed going and then all of the screw ups while trying to steer the thing.

And when we take a stop at a spot to get some ice cream and we’re getting out I can’t help but to like just close my eyes for a second and just sort of let it try and sink in.

Chris and the things she’s said, that we had this moment where we were finishing each other’s sentences, holding hands, the kisses…the happy oh my god yay kisses.

The oh my god someone’s kissing me kisses.

All those feelings that have literally hurt me for not being in my life settling in with this feeling of finally…

As cliché as heck it is with my name I’m just taking a moment to stop and smell the roses.

Chris does this little trace of her fingers in the small of my back across my tee and I open my eyes and she’s looking at me. “You okay?”

“Yeah, more than. I’m just taking a minute.”

“A minute?”

I turn and look at her and lean on the frame of the car-bike thing. “Today’s been that good and I want to sort of soak it in.”

She smiles. “I think that’s pretty cool, honestly I should do that more.”

I shrug. “It’s something I had to actually learn to do. A whole lot of my life before that just sort of felt like I was going from like one life crisis to another and it had my brain mostly convinced that life was pretty sucky.”

She smiles and reaches and takes my hands and pulls me along towards the ice cream place. “Then I definitely need to do that because that’s been a whole lot of my feelings in life from like high school.”

We get ice cream and we both go for hard ice cream over soft serve. They have both and I get myself a medium cone of maple walnut and she looks thing over and she gets raspberry cheesecake and we both go for the waffle cones though.

She’s looking at me as we’re just eating it and walking. “Share?”

I can’t help the face I make. “I let you have some of mine but I’m really not that big on like cheesecake ice cream or a lot of the fancy, trendy flavors.”

She laughs. “And here I thought that your ice cream was like something new.”

“No….my grandparents used to order flavors like this. I like a lot of the old classics.”

Chris looks at me. “Classics?” she leans over and I give her some of my ice cream and she tries it and her eyes light up. “Mmmph iss good!”

I lick where she took a bite from and smooth it out. I sort of do that with my ice cream cones it has to get licked into a sort of smooth sort of dome and then I just sort of do like maintenance licks to keep it like that as it sort of melts.

It’s part just a thing of mine but it’s also a teeth thing. Before I got my life straightened out and before I had any sort of money really to do anything with I was broke and broke goes hand in hand with messed up teeth and things like glasses.

So while they’ve been fixed for a couple of years now and everything there’s habits that are still there.
“I know it’s good, and like the classics like butterscotch ripple or orange pineapple and cherry vanilla, grapenut.”

Chris looks at me. “Orange pineapple?”

I nod and then lick my cone. “It’s not around much anymore really but it was actually really good and even better with orange crush pop and made into a float.”

I adore this look that spreads across her face. “Oh floats, seriously it’s been ages since I’ve had one.”

“I’ll have to make you one; I’m good at making floats.”

Chris smiles. “You’re good at making anything I’ll bet.”

I laugh. “Nope not even close, I’m ill friends with bread baking and I’m horrible with things like puff pastry and things like making or using like curries. The float thing actually came out of working at a restaurant here in the city where we’d make like boozy floats and things.”

She lights up. “Oh really like what?”

“Chocolate ice cream with a shot of fireball over it and then some Dr. Pepper.”

She nods as she’s eating more ice cream. “Shounds good.”

“Then there’s French vanilla with a shot of vodka and some 7-Up.”

Chris looks at me. “You’d be wicked popular at barbeques.”

I shrug. “Not really folks would have to actually be good with me first.”

She takes another bite of her ice cream. “I dunno folks seem pretty okay with you at like that bar.”

I nod. “Yeah and that actually took years Chris both for me to be okay with them and them with me. Though it’s actually getting better than ever in the last couple of years.”

She nods. “It’s been doing that all around, even home.”

“It’s the internet. People are talking about stuff like this twenty-four, seven, three sixty-five and are seeing more and more folks just like them out and living and surviving.”

She’s eating her cone and I take a few licks on mine and then it’s in the right sort of place where I’m using my tongue to push the little bit that’s left deeper into the cone.

No, I have no idea why I just sort have like always done that since I was a kid.

We head back to our car-bike thing and drive it really carefully and slowly as we finish our ice cream with a lot of shared smiles until we get to where we’re going and that’s the umbrella chairs.

It’s a sort of ski-lift kinda ride and it’s pretty high but it also has some great views and it’s something that I’ve wanted to ride like everyone else and that’s with someone.

Plus it’s a slow ride and it has privacy too and a decent amount of space between the seats.

Chris gets that and she is grinning and she took my hand again and leads us both onto the ride and yeah again there’s some looks but it really doesn’t matter.

And the ride is better than good.

It’s not even like teenager make out central either it’s leaning together again and lacing our fingers together and talking.

About the park and the views and thing that are just neat here to me pointing out cool things about Toronto that we can see from up here every now and then.

Even seeing incoming planes fly pretty close by was cool, it’s not like super close but it’s close enough that you can see lots and I’ve actually always liked that about the city.

Like telling her about going out to Lester B. and getting close enough to watch the planes from the road with friends and burgers from Sonny’s because we went up through Brampton.

It’s like suddenly my head’s sort of filled with all the stuff that I kind of have grown to love here and want to show her like Sonny’s because it’s this really old school place that’s this sort of hidden legend for really great and yet greasy and kind of so bad they’re awesome burgers.

Or like going actually out to Woodbine raceway and actually seeing a race actually seeing horses.

It was actually something I had never done in my life until I moved to the city and went more to kill being alone and stuff but it was still pretty worth it.

Castle Loma…I know, I know it’s super like touristy and stuff but it’s a castle…a castle in Toronto and I’d never been to a more Disney Princess like place in my life.

Chris laughs at that. “You watch Disney Princess movies?”

I smile sort of wistfully. “Yeah, I do…It’s a lot of wishing and aching and stuff but I have always sort of felt like my life and being trans in like the whole cinders and Ella thing with me and that someday I’ll have something magical come along and just transform everything. It was pretty important to me as a kid.”

“How you where you when you knew?” Chris asks looking over at me from where her head’s resting.

“Young, pretty much when I started to get there were real serious difference between boys and girls. Then it was like…uhm…no…someone made a really big mistake.”

“Did you tell people?”

“No, I just sort of shoved it all down because I seen what not being a boy that people wanted was like. I did that until I couldn’t and it got too toxic for me to live.”

Chris looks at me and she presses, snuggles in closer and slips her arm in and around me in this cuddle hug.

“Sorry, that had to be hell.”

And then… then it all just sort of comes up, all the stuff I never get to tell other people…all the horrible painful stuff about being trans and I’m starting to cry.

And I’m. (Sniffle-sob.) “I’m…I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I’m wrecking this…I’m sorry.”

And Chris just sort of turns towards me more and she takes some tissues out of her purse and she starts to wipe and clean my face off.

“Shssh…It’s okay, I want to know Rose. I brought it up and I want to know.”

Her eyes are looking into mine with like zero bullshit and she’s even giving me this sweetest give a shit smile too as she’s wiping up my tears.

And no one’s ever done that for me in my entire life.