CHAPTER 29

Megan’s office - one week later – just before Christmas, 2009

It was late afternoon on a Tuesday. Megan had finished with all of her patients and was completing some notes on her computer when her phone rang.

She answered it as normal, “Megan Phillips.”

“Hello, is this Dr. Phillips?” Hearing the voice, she almost dropped the phone. It was a voice with which she was very familiar, but hadn’t heard in seventeen years. It was her mother.

Heart pounding, Megan asked, “Yes, it is. Is this Michaela Phillips?”

“Yes. Your mother.”

“I thought it was you, Mom. How are you and Dad doing?” Megan was polite, but not overly warm considering the events of almost two decades earlier. Lord, you’re going to have to help me here, she thought as she tried to process the very thought of communicating with someone so long out of her life.

“Your father and I would like to apologize for what we did years ago. We didn’t understand what was going on with you, your father particularly. If there’s some way that we can reconcile, we’d like to do it.”

“OK. I mean, it’s been seventeen years. Why now? ” What was the real reason for the call, Megan asked herself. Was one of them sick and dying and wanting to patch things up? Too little, too late, she first thought, then was reminded of the thief on the cross next to Christ. If Christ forgave as He and a criminal were dying, why couldn’t she?

Michaela Phillips continued after a pregnant pause. “We wondered where you were. Your father, the internet expert, got online and found you. Then we found a video of one of your presentations at a conference and listened to it. I must say, you’re quite the speaker. Your peers have some great things to say about you, too.” Pausing for half a second, Megan’s mother continued. “We found out that I was given DES in a large dose. Your Dad found some studies that explained how this affects gender thinking. We realize that we were wrong, that you really felt like a girl.”

Megan pinched herself, thinking that she must have fallen asleep and was dreaming. But, no, this was really happening. Still suspicious, she guardedly reacted to her mom.

Before Megan could react, her mother continued. “How is your personal life? Friends? Boyfriend, maybe?”

Temporarily leaving her thoughts behind, the psychiatrist decided to talk about the present instead of the past. “Mom, I’m really good. I have friends, I go to church, I don’t have a boyfriend, but I have a wonderful teenage daughter.”

“A daughter?!!”

“Yes, and she’s a wonderful 17 year old with more brains and a lot more sense than I had.”

OK, where are you going with this? Megan speculated endlessly in the next few seconds. Dinner? Where? She didn’t have to wait long.

“Why don’t we meet for dinner somewhere? Hamilton House, say Friday night at 8:00? Are you off duty?”

“Mom, eight Friday would be perfect. I’m not on call this week. Would it be all right if my daughter Lara came along?”

“Lara? What a lovely name. Of course, bring her.”

“OK, Mom, we’ll see you at Hamilton House at 8:00 Friday.”

Megan was shaking when she hung up the phone. She had always dreamed of this day, but as the years dragged on, increasingly dismissed her wish as fantasy. But now it was going to happen.

She and Lara would need to buy new dresses for the occasion. Hamilton House was a high-end restaurant, and one just didn’t wear whatever they had in the closet. Some shopping was on the agenda.

Later that evening

Megan was still digesting her mother’s phone call as she fixed dinner for her and Lara. She was expecting her daughter home at any moment, but no matter what she did, the phone conversation stayed at the front of her thoughts.

Lara quickly picked up on Megan’s mood as soon as she arrived and greeted her mother.

“Mom, what’s going on?” The younger woman’s bluntness no longer surprised or upset Megan.

“You know the story about my parents.”

“Mmhmm. They kicked you out when you were only nineteen, then disowned you. Yep.”

“My Mom called me today. She apologized for what she and Dad did to me, and they want to see if we can reconcile.”

With wide eyes, Lara answered, “No! You must be kidding. Now? After all this time?”

“Apparently so. She even asked how I was doing, if I had a boyfriend, that sort of thing. Then I mentioned I had a daughter. Well, that threw her off.”

Lara grinned. “Well, at least it’s not because you got pregnant in your freshman year of college.”

Megan loosened up at her daughter’s kidding. “Smart aleck teenager! You have an amazing memory! Well, we have some shopping to do. We’re having dinner at Hamilton House Friday night at 8:00.”

“Hamilton House? Wow. Isn’t that the place where a meal costs a gazillion dollars or something?”

“Never underestimate the spending power of a senior urologist with serious remorse.”

“Mom, are you sure you’re ready for this? I mean, from everything you’ve told me, you had written them off. Like they died or something.”

“Well, they did die for all these years. I thought that I wouldn’t care if I ever saw them again, but once she called today, well…”

“You really want to forgive them.”

“I do want to forgive them. They’re entitled to make a mistake. And didn’t I make one, too? I mean, I could have called them. All they could have done to me was hang up.”

“Yeah, and it would have hurt you all over again. Doctor Phillips, it’s time to quit second guessing yourself and just let life roll.”

Megan raised her eyebrows and smiled at Lara. “Seems that I’ve taught you well, young Doctor Phillips. You’re absolutely right. Now let’s hurry and eat. Linh’s waiting on us.”

“Who?”

Soon, they were on their to Linh’s Boutique. Linh Huong was an acquaintance of Megan’s who had provided her with dresses for important events in the past, and her shop reflected the classy, sophisticated look that Megan sought.

Since Lara had not yet been to a prom or other important event, this would be her first evening dress, and she was anxiously awaiting this shopping experience.

It was only a twenty minute drive to Linh’s shop. Once they arrived, Megan introduced Lara to Linh. The latter was excited, as she didn’t get many teen customers in her shop. Linh didn’t normally have such things as prom dresses in her shop, and as a result, her clientele turned out to be adult women such as Megan.

It only took a few minutes for Lara to find a two-tone black and white evening maxi dress. It made Lara look older, Linh and Megan thought, but both liked the look and fit, so Megan decided to get it for her daughter. Megan was more conservative, opting for a dark blue off-the-shoulder evening dress.

Daughter was waiting on mother as Megan came outside the dressing room to critique her dress. After putting on the dress, Megan had fluffed her hair and put on some jewelry that she had brought with her. With one more look in the mirror in the dressing room, she proceeded outside so that Lara and Linh could critique her.

The eyes of both women widened when Megan came out.

“Mom, you look stunning in it. That’s beyond perfect”, Lara cooed.

“It looks excellent on you, Doctor Phillips”, Linh echoed.

Megan took a look at herself in a three-sided mirror and smiled. She had always dreamed of looking like the woman in the mirror, but had somehow fallen short every time. But this time, a tall, attractive woman in her thirties smiled back.

Even though Megan appeared and acted totally confident, there had always been a weight on her – a weight inside that said she wasn’t a “real” woman somehow, but just a “trans-woman”. In spite of God, in spite of psychological help, in spite of time, this lie had always hung over her. But in an instant, the entire weight left her.

Megan grinned at Linh and Lara, but her daughter knew that some unseen reaction had occurred. She herself had experienced the same emotions at Jessica’s house the first time that she tried on one of Jessica’s dresses.

Going over to her Mom, she hugged her tightly. Megan had finally resolved the last lingering issue from her transition.

Megan dropped off the dresses at the dry cleaners the next morning on the way to work. Mother and daughter were at last ready for the “unveiling”.

CHAPTER 30

Three days later - Friday night, Hamilton House restaurant, 7:50 p.m.

Megan was more nervous than she had been at any time since presenting her Master’s thesis. It showed as she jerked the X3 around a corner as she drove toward Hamilton House. Lara chided her for her choppy driving, earning a glare from her mother.

“Mom, it’s a good thing that there’s no snow on the street right now. We would have ended up against a fireplug or a curb.”

“And how many more years have I been driving than you?”

“I know what’s going on. You just need to chill.” Darn teen attitude, Megan thought to herself.

“This is my Mom and Dad. And I haven’t seen them in seventeen years. And this is only the second time that they’ve seen me as a woman. That is, if you want to count that first time.”

“Not sure I would. After all, you’re Dad said you were crossdressing to him.”

“OK, then I stand corrected. This will be the first time, then.”

“Mom, you’re awesome. You’re a confident, competent, well respected doctor. What parents wouldn’t be proud of their daughter for that?”

“I just don’t want this to erupt into an argument. My Dad can be very headstrong and I don’t know how much of this is Mom’s doing. She could be roping my Dad into this and he could still end up glaring at me and calling me names. I don’t want a confrontation, especially at a well-known restaurant.”

“Oh, ye of little faith.”

Lara was right, Megan reasoned. There was no reason to be nervous until she at least gave her parents a chance.

Within a couple of minutes, they were at the valet parking stand at the restaurant. Megan alit from the X3 and obtained a parking ticket from the valet. As the attendant drove off, she met her daughter and walked to the entrance. Megan squeezed Lara’s hand and smiled at her. She was always amazed at her daughter’s ability to see the truth in any situation.

Once inside, Lara drank in the luxurious interior. Noticing the “Specials” board, she caught herself quietly gasping at the prices. Megan noticed her and quietly told her, “I know. A little higher than where we normally eat, huh? But remember, this is on your grandfather.” The last sentence sounded strange, but it was true. If Tim and Michaela hoped to resume a relationship with Megan, it would also have to be with Lara as their granddaughter.

The two women waited just a few minutes until a six-foot three, distinguished looking elderly gentlemen and his tall Native American wife strolled through the door into the waiting area. Her parents looked remarkably good for being almost twenty years since Megan had last seen them. Other than more gray hair and wrinkles, they were almost the same.

Megan wanted to speak, but waited. Michaela took the lead as she did in the phone call.

“Megan?”

“Hi, Mom.” Megan lightly embraced her mother.

Tim’s eyes grew wide at the sight of his daughter embracing his wife. Surprised at how much that Megan resembled Michaela, there was no mistaking the fact that the two were related. After releasing her mother’s grip, Megan moved over and hugged her Dad. She quietly said, “Hi, Dad.” “Megan”, he haltingly said, regretting that this attractive woman had been missing from his life for a long time.

Megan then introduced Lara. “This is your grandmother and grandfather, Lara. Mom and Dad, this is my daughter, Lara.”

Both Tim and Michaela managed a nervous smile as Lara moved to embrace them. “It’s nice to meet you. Mom has told me a lot about you”, she said.

The maître d’ greeted them and accompanied them to a table in a far corner of the restaurant, away from most of the other patrons. Now the fun begins, mused Megan, cautiously wanting to believe that reconciliation was going to happen.

Tim seated each of the three women, then took a seat opposite Megan. Michaela took the seat opposite Lara.

As soon as they were seated, a waiter came and took their drink orders and brought menus for them to peruse.

Lara was completely flummoxed by the menu. There were so many things on it that she had never heard of or seen before. Megan was better, having been in Hamilton House several times.

When the waiter returned, Megan asked for his recommendation and she settled on halibut. She also helped Lara settle on a small filet mignon with steamed vegetables. Both of Megan’s parents settled for higher-priced seafood, but Megan didn’t want to take advantage of them in case that the evening was a disaster.

The waiter brought water and tea for the foursome, and each gave him their order. An awkward silence followed momentarily. Megan had anticipated this and decided to open the conversation. Lara wanted to leave as she sensed the tension between daughter and parents.

Megan began. “Mom and Dad, why talk to me again? I mean, it’s been almost twenty years.” Then she paused after realizing that her phrasing still showed blame for their actions. She quickly frowned and added, “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

Tim answered her, “I know that you have the right to be angry with us. We never made an attempt to try to get in touch with you. Megan, as a doctor, I have to look at facts every day. When I told you to leave years ago, frankly, I didn’t have all of the facts. I just saw my son dressed like a girl and I thought ‘What the hell?’ But as I got older, I began to mourn the loss of you and I wondered if I hadn’t made a gigantic mistake. So, I began to look into your ‘condition’. Everything that you said corresponded exactly with what you insisted at the time. The more that I looked into it, the more that I was wrong to have treated you the way that I did. I’m sorry.” Tim looked down briefly before again looking at Megan.

Now it was Michaela’s turn. “I was wrong, too, because I came to the same conclusion, that you were some kind of nutcase. I went along with your Dad because I thought that the only way to return you to what we considered ‘sanity’ was to take away everything that you had at the time. Now I understand how serious that you were. This conversation should have taken place a lot sooner than now.”

Megan looked at both of them sympathetically. “I was wrong, too. I shouldn’t have written off our relationship. I was selfish for not trying to reconcile. If we can, let’s just try to put the years aside, and go on, shall we?” To Megan, it made no sense to keep all of the old wounds open. The best way to heal in her mind was to forgive and forget.

Tim, looking sympathetic at Megan, re-opened the conversation.

“I wanted to tell how you how we got to this point. I was in Metro a month ago when you were delivering a lecture in the auditorium. There were signs outside and your name caught my eye. I wandered in and found a seat in the back. I couldn’t believe my eyes. You were just a woman doctor delivering a lecture. Your voice, your gestures, everything said ‘woman’. I had to come home and share the news with your mother. But I just couldn’t reconcile the boy that grew up in our house with this person that I saw at the lectern. But I decided to keep an open mind. One Saturday your Mom and I spent several hours on the internet. The more I looked, the more it I realized that this wasn’t a fluke. We watched videos of people like you. They related all of their experiences and their feelings. It sounded just like you. I realized then that I had been too quick to judge and too cruel to do what I had done to you.”

Michaela, who had been looking at Megan the entire time, interjected “Megan, we’re sorry.” There were tears in her eyes.

Tim continued. “We started looking back and wondering if something had happened during pregnancy. In my research, I realized that many trans-people your age had hormonal issues due to drugs that the mother took while pregnant. I think we have an answer for you.”

Megan looked at the two of them with curious disbelief. “What was it”, she asked.

“We were in Ghana on a two-month mission to help train doctors in urological surgeries when your mother discovered that she was pregnant. One of our host doctors found out about it and gave your Mom a nine-month supply of prenatal vitamins that he raved about. All these years, your Mom kept the leftover bottle as a souvenir of our trip. She dug it out a few weeks ago and I researched it on the internet. The vitamins contained an estrogen.”

“DES. Mom told me”, Megan interrupted. “It was still marketed in third world countries as a way to prevent miscarriages until the late 1990s.”

“Yes, Megan. Since your mother took it for virtually her whole pregnancy, it affected your brain’s development.”

“And that explains a lot of other things, too, physical stuff, mostly. I always wondered why I was the only one in family history to be hypothyroid. And why I never developed when I was thirteen or fourteen.”

Michaela looked at Megan. “It wasn’t you. You couldn’t help what happened. We didn’t know.”

Megan stared sympathetically, first at her mother, then her father. “You couldn’t have known. The research into the effects of DES on transsexuals was in its infancy when I was growing up. But now we know.”

Megan continued. It was her turn to reveal truths that had never been spoken. “Mom and Dad, I have something that I need to admit. I took spironolactone from the time that I was fifteen. Then I added estradiol starting in January before I left home for college in June.”

“So that’s the reason you never developed as male when you were sixteen or seventeen.”

“It kept me from growing muscles and bones. What development that I had was devoid of any testosterone. Before I started estrogen, I looked like a really tall eleven- or twelve-year-old boy.”

When I arrived at the university, they linked me up with a counselor and an endocrinologist. They adjusted my hormone levels and made absolutely sure that becoming a woman was what I needed. Because my endocrine system wasn’t ‘normal male’, the estrogen caused me to mature quickly as a girl. By the time that I saw you for the last time, I had C-cup breasts and feminine hips. I thought that there was maybe a chance that if you saw me and how sincere that I was about being myself, you could accept me.”

Tim looked at all three women and spoke quietly. “We shouldn’t have been so judgmental toward you. The other day, I had the attorney unwind the disownment.”

“I wish that I could say ‘Thank You’ and just forget this. But you can’t know the number of times that I wanted to have you at my side – the graduation from the Pre-Med program, the first time that I kissed a guy, my graduation from Medical School. There were so many things that I wanted to share. I had a wonderful woman for a best friend that I wish you could have met. She took me in and we went through a lot of life together. Susie was killed in April in a car wreck, but you would have loved her. And then there was Lara. That’s a whole other story.” Megan smiled broadly at her daughter, then looked back toward her parents. “Several years ago, I accepted Christ as my Savior, and I’ve already forgiven you. So, when I say that I’m ready to move forward, I mean it. Let’s just start over. Just don’t forget this – I still love you both and I always dreamed that this day would happen.” Looking over at her Dad, she was surprised to see tears in his normally unemotional eyes.

Michaela dabbed her eyes again. She, too, had greatly missed her daughter and had forever wondered what she looked like, how she sounded, and all else. Now it had come to pass.

After the apologies had been passed around, everyone relaxed. The four spent the rest of the evening playing catch up. The subject eventually got around to Lara.

Michaela asked, “So how did you link up with Lara? I mean, she looks enough like you to be your biological daughter. Of course, I know that couldn’t have happened.” Everyone at the table heartily laughed.

Until this time, the high school junior had taken careful mental notes, filling in some blanks for which she didn’t have answers until this evening. It’s so interesting to see Mom with her parents, Lara decided. She saw elements of both her grandparents in her mother.

“Why don’t you tell them?” Megan suggested to Lara. The teen almost jumped, being lost in her own thoughts. But inwardly, she was glad to finally have some input.

So Lara told her new grandparents the entire story, from her birth until her upcoming graduation from high school. She realized afterward that she left out her friendship with Jessie, her illness and her recent death. But there would probably be time later for that story, she decided. It didn’t take long for another opportunity to present itself.

“Lara, that was the most intelligent and well-organized story that I’ve heard in a long time. I can’t believe that all of your classmates accepted you as a girl, all the time while your Dad was trying to make you into a boy.”

“No one ever doubted me. They just accepted me as some kind of tomboy. I’m just glad that my feelings weren’t wrong. But I have to tell you, the fact that I could marry and become a Mom kind of blew my mind for a while.”

Well, you’re not the only one whose mind has been blown, the older physician thought. But he had other questions for her. If he was going to be her grandfather, then he was going to need to be completely informed about this young woman.

“By the way, what do you have any vocational ideas?” Tim asked.

Lara sadly said, “My best friend died a few weeks ago of anorexia. I’ve decided to pursue psychology and specialize in helping eating disorder victims. I took an aptitude test on Tuesday, and it showed that it would be a good fit for me.”

“Why not psychiatry like your Mom?” Michaela inquired.

Lara scrunched her face. “Ewww. And have to deal with medical school and those rounds and rotations and stuff? No thank you. Oh, and I don’t do blood very well.”

The two M.D.’s at the table burst out laughing at that last comment. Lara’s choice of vocation came as a complete surprise to Megan, but secretly, she was well pleased. She felt that Lara would do well, particularly if she pursued the specialty where she had so much passion.

The four didn’t leave the restaurant until almost 11:00. A lot was forgiven and a lot more was revealed that would be forgiven later. Megan had prayed for this virtually the entire time since becoming a Christian. Now she realized that this was the time that God had meant for it to happen.

CHAPTER 31

A little over three years later - March, 2014

Lara Phillips awakened suddenly from her deep sleep. The college junior was facing yet another day of classes.

In spite of ten hours of sleep, she was still exhausted. Sitting up, then finally standing, she wandered over to her mirror and looked into her bleary eyes. Dark circles shown underneath them. Her pajamas fell loosely from her shoulders. I guess I need to buy some smaller pajamas, she reflected. All it would take would be one look from Mom when I’m wearing these and she’d know something was wrong. Besides, I need some flannel ones to try to stay warm, she mused.

Lara had been on a strict diet for months and had lost an amount of weight that placed her well within the range of anorexia. Even though her best childhood friend had died as a result of the condition, the student kept telling herself that she wasn’t as obsessive as Jessie. I’m just getting really thin so maybe my butt won’t be so big, she told herself.

It had taken just one comment from a potential boyfriend to send Lara down the same path as her friend Jessie. She was jogging on a treadmill at the university. A mutual male friend came by and made the comment, “Wow. Great butt.” In spite of her mother’s assurances, Lara had felt uncomfortable with her posterior since she developed curves following hormone treatments that “jump started” her puberty. Back in the locker room, she looked at herself in a three-way mirror and decided that she needed to lose some weight in order to have smaller hips. She started her diet that day, and the more that she dieted, the more that she liked it. Like Jessie, she dreamed of being model thin and having men attracted to her as a result. Since she had lost so much weight, though, she elicited more stares than favorable comments due to her boniness.

Carefully, she cracked open the door to her bedroom and listened for sounds of her mother. With her weight loss, contact with her mother had to be avoided at all costs. Lara just wanted to be skinny, and this was the only way to do it. Fortunately, Megan Phillips had already gone to her office, so Lara had the townhouse to herself. Padding barefoot to the bathroom, she quickly closed the door. The dark circles and sallow cheeks disappeared somewhat as she applied her makeup for the day.

Returning to her room to get dressed, Lara chose a top, pants, and sweater from her closet that would disguise her shrunken form, particularly her bony arms. To disguise her shrunken breasts, she stuffed some tissues into her bra to take up the extra room. The top that she chose, now three sizes too large, hung loosely on her. After pulling on her pants, she carefully safety-pinned them so that they wouldn’t fall off. The sweater further hid evidence of her condition and served to keep her warmer.

Returning to her dresser, Lara chose a necklace but ignored the large number of rings that used to decorate her hands. Because of her weight loss, most of them were too large and would have merely fallen off her now-sinewy hands.

Carefully removing a notebook from her dresser, she noted the previous day’s calorie intake. In spite of a couple of extra graham crackers that she allowed herself, she still managed to stay under eight hundred calories. Good girl, she told herself. She could get by with only a half hour of running today on the treadmill at the university’s physical education building.

After putting on her shoes, Lara ran downstairs to her car and drove the short distance to the university parking lots. Fortunately, she found a space close to the classroom building which was her destination. Her class in Abnormal Psychology was challenging and sounded extremely interesting when she developed her class schedule two years previous, but now she found it boring like the rest of her life.

Making her way to her class and to her seat, she spoke to no one. Lara found solace in the fact that this was a large class and interaction was limited at best.

In the previous class session two days earlier, the heating thermostat had become stuck and everyone in the room except her had complained of the eighty degree temperature. In spite of the heat, Lara still felt cold. With her extra layers, Lara hoped to have some semblance of warmth.

Once the lecture started, Lara once again fought sleep. It seems like I want to sleep all the time, she chided herself as she struggled to maintain attention. Because of her inability to maintain focus, her grades had begun to suffer and she kept poking herself mentally in an attempt to stay motivated.

But in truth, only one thing kept her motivated – her weight loss. Within days, she told herself, I’ll be down where I need to be. The only things that mattered any longer were the number of calories that she consumed, the amount of time that she spent exercising, and if she had any remaining fat on her hips. Lara kept telling herself, I’ll never be fat again.

Finally, the class ended, and with as much eagerness as she could muster, Lara headed for the physical education building. Changing from her outfit into a form fitting jogging suit in the weight room, she once again looked over her body for remaining fat. With disgust, she looked at some hanging skin from her upper arm and mistaking it for fat, told herself that she still had a ways to go to get to perfection. On the way out of the door from the locker room, she weighed herself (which she did multiple times per day) and cheered inwardly as the scale showed 87 pounds. Finally, I’m getting somewhere, Lara told herself. Maybe I can get into a size 0 the next time I go to the store.

In spite of her enthusiasm for exercise, it was difficult to maintain a sufficient pace on the treadmill. The lack of calories and her low body mass took its toll on her ability to maintain her normal running pace.

While on the machine, a fellow male student smiled at her. Looking over her tiny arms and legs, he grinned and said, “You look really great! You must have worked hard to get that great bod!” Stupid jerk, she thought, saying “Thanks!” without smiling but moving her eyes back to straight ahead.

Once she finished her run, Lara alit from the treadmill and returned to the locker room. She didn’t have another class until later in the day, so it would give her sufficient time to return home and shower. Oh, and maybe get a tiny snack. Hunger had become a constant companion and to be without it meant that she had eaten too much.

Once home, Lara stopped in the kitchen of the townhouse. She had allowed herself two hundred calories for lunch and chose to get a few crackers and some carrots as her “lunch”. After eating these few things quickly, Lara headed to her room to check her form. Maybe I can get another look at how I’m doing. After stripping off her clothes, Lara admired her bony body. I’m just about there, telling herself that maybe a few more pounds here and there and she would be fine. It didn’t matter that she told herself that same thing twenty pounds ago. Again, Lara ignored the history of her best friend. She thought, I won’t get in trouble, I won’t. I’ll be fine.

While the student was admiring her continuing weight loss, Megan had quietly slipped into the townhouse. The psychiatrist had a rare break from work and had decided to go home for a quick lunch. Sensing that Lara was around, but not immediately hearing her, she decided to go and check on her daughter. Because of the timing of their comings and goings, it had been weeks since she had seen her daughter, or so it seemed. First tapping on Lara’s bedroom door, Megan opened up the bedroom door to find Lara naked in front of her mirror. Glancing upon her daughter’s anorexic body, she gasped and began half-talking, half yelling at her daughter.

“What have you been doing? Didn’t you learn something from what happened to Jessie?”

“Mom, it’s OK. I just lost a little of bit of weight.”

“You call that A LITTLE bit? You’re anorexic! Look at you. Your arms and legs are sticks. And I wondered why I found a bunch of hair in the sink the other day in your bathroom. And the way that you’ve been sneaking around so that I won’t see you. OK, you’re going to the eating disorders unit right now. This has to end.”

“Mom, no, I’m fine. I’m really fine.” She looked down at herself, noting the ribs showing, shrunken stomach and thin, bony legs.

“No, you’re not. You’re going if I have to get some rope and tie you up. Now get your things together so that I can take you to Metro.”

“What about school? I’ll lose the whole semester’s work!”

“Look, you should have come to me before you started this ‘diet’ of yours. The fact that you were ‘fat’ was just in your head. We could have talked this out before you got this far. If you keep going, you’re going to be dead, just like your friend. Think about that. Do you want to die?”

“Mom, I’m not going to die!”

“Lara, get dressed. We’re going. You don’t have a choice. The more you fight me, the harder I’m going to push back.”

“MOM! NO!!!” Lara screamed at the top of her lungs, simultaneously stepping backward away from her mother. Not sensing where she was headed, Lara tripped on a leg of her bed and fell onto the floor.

The slumbering college student jumped after her fall in the dream, awakening her. Sitting straight up in bed, it took her a moment to fully realize where she was. It was Saturday, and she was home in the townhouse. Looking at her hands and her arms, nothing had changed. She was normal. The whole ‘morning’ had been nothing but a nightmare.

Lara’s sadness led to tears falling down her face. Her dream brought back memories of the last time that she had encountered Jessie in the hospital. And she remembered what she would be doing in two days.

Lara had entered the local university and was majoring in Clinical Psychology. Thanks to her high grades and talent, she had been chosen by her professor and faculty advisor to begin a very limited form of clinical practice. This would help to evaluate Lara’s future prospects as a psychologist, and would also offer her insight into what “the real world” might look like. Because of Lara’s interest in eating disorders, the professors had chosen her to moderate a group session in the eating disorders unit. The group would consist of eight patients and it would be up to her to guide and direct them. Even though Lara wanted to do this for her life’s work, she didn’t know if she was ready to try her hand. Memories of Jessie and her troubles kept swirling in her mind. In spite of assurances that most of her activity would be to listen, the thought that she would be guiding therapy with a group frightened her.

Megan heard her crying and immediately rushed to her room. She had been awake for a while and was reading in the adjoining bedroom.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” There was genuine alarm in the voice of the psychiatrist. Megan sat down at the foot of Lara’s bed.

Lara was less frantic, but still agitated. “Mom, I dreamed that I was anorexic. It was all so real. I woke up really, really tired. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing dark circles under my eyes. My face was so shrunken. Then I went to class where I was cold and I almost fell asleep. Afterwards, I went running on a treadmill for thirty minutes and I remember seeing myself in the mirror. My arms and my legs were little bitty. I came home and had a few crackers and some carrots for lunch. There was a notebook where I kept track of my calories. Then you found me and started yelling that you were taking me to the ED unit. It was like Jessie all over again, except it was me.”

The mother hugged her daughter and held her tightly. “What’s going on? What’s bothering you so much?” she asked calmly while looking straight into her face. It had been too long since the two had intimate communication, Megan decided.

“Dr. Brooks asked me to moderate a group session in the ED unit. I’m scared. I mean, what if I say something wrong and it messes up somebody?”

“Dear, there are two people behind a one-way mirror that are watching and listening the whole time. You won’t be completely by yourself. Besides that, you’ll be mostly just asking questions and letting them talk. You told me yourself that you watched some videos of them in class.”

“I know, but it’s just leading one that scares me.”

“And who’s the brave counselor who brought around her best friend to Christ just before she died? And that girl that penned some high school newspaper columns that got you pegged as ‘Dear Lara’? You can do this!”

“I’m just nervous.”

“Don’t you have to meet with the ‘real’ moderator before you see them?”

“Yes.”

“Just tell him or her what you’re concerned about. Let them guide you. And learn. When you’re helping someone with their health, be it a gall bladder or their mind, it’s all called practice. You have to learn it by doing it.”

“I know. I guess I just needed to share.”

“Been there, done that. Lots. I know how you feel.” Lara began to look down, but Megan sensed what her daughter was doing and lifted her head up by the chin. “But you’re really smart and quick. You’ll be fine. Let’s pray for you, too”. Megan said a prayer for her daughter, and by the time it ended, Lara’s fears had diminished.

Monday morning came, and while concerned, Lara was relaxed and confident. As promised, she met with a Psychology professor and the regular moderator. Noting that her attitude was positive and upbeat, they agreed to let Lara proceed as planned.

But as soon as the college student walked in the room, the sight of seven anorexic young women ranging in age from 12 to 22 took her aback temporarily. If she had not seen Jessie, it would have been a visual shock. These are far better off than Jesse ever was, Lara kept reminding herself. But here wasn’t time to think about it. It was time for the session to begin.

“Hi, everyone”, Lara said as she sat down with all of the patients. Everyone sat on the floor, as the soft carpet was easier on bony posteriors than chairs, plus it was more informal.

She started, “I’m Lara Phillips. I’m a junior in Clinical Psychology, and I’ll be your moderator today. You’re probably asking ‘Why is she here today instead of Dr. Weathers?’ I’m majoring in Clinical Psychology, and I plan to get my PhD in it.” Lara paused for a moment, and the vision of her last evening with Jessie flashed across her vision. But she quickly recovered and continued. “My BFF died three years ago of anorexia. I told myself after she died, I would do anything to help people like her. So I plan on doing just that after I graduate.” Looking around the room once more, she calmly stated, “Why don’t we get started? I understand that a few of you have made enough progress that you’ll be leaving soon.” Glancing at their name tags, she smiled and asked, “Maddie, why don’t you share with us what made a difference for you?”

A lively discussion ensued, and before Lara knew it, the ninety minutes were up. While she was able to effectively moderate the discussions, she found it to be a learning experience more than anything. She hadn’t completely understood the mental ramifications of anorexia and bulimia. The group helped her to more fully grasp just how difficult treatment could be. Instead of driving her away, though, Lara was more determined than ever to graduate and to help those with the conditions.

CHAPTER 32

February, 2015

Lara was given the opportunity to do one-on-one counseling with one of Metro’s Eating Disorder Unit patients. The college senior would be monitored by video camera and microphone in case that the session went awry for any reason.

The professor and doctor in charge of the program didn’t make it easy for her, though. One of their toughest cases was Kyndall Murray. The fifteen-year-old had suffered abuse at the hand of her biological parents. The state took her from them at age seven, and Kyndall had since been shuttled in and out of various foster homes.

Called “Tubby” as a nickname by her current foster mother, she began counting calories and exercising extremely. She wasn’t extremely overweight to begin with – around 175 pounds – but carried most of the extra weight in her stomach and hips.

As Kyndall lost weight, she expected to garner more favorable attention from her foster parents. Unfortunately, all that they were interested in was how much money that they could collect from the state for the care of Kyndall and her two foster brothers.

However, the situation at school did change. As she lost weight, Kyndall garnered school friendships with several other students her age. She was able to go to the mall with other groups of girls and was able to finally date a boy. She had the positive experiences that she had been seeking her entire life. One of her friends, Destiny Booker, enjoyed a tiny build and with diet control, kept her size to a 1. Kyndall began to envy her. It made no difference that Kyndall’s build was substantially larger. She wasn’t “large”, just “normal”, but to someone who craved friendship, it made no difference.

Kyndall kept on dieting. In spite of acceptance from others, she still had a poor self-image, the product of her drug dealer birth mother and by being cared for by foster home “parents” who truly cared little about her. Finally, she fainted twice in school within the space of a week. This earned her a trip to the nurse’s office, where the scale showed the truth. For someone her height of five-six, she should have weighed somewhere between 115 and 135 pounds. Instead, the scale showed that she weighed 88. The nurse was shocked when Kyndall removed her top to reveal her ribs and collar bone sticking out from her emaciated body.

It was only two days later that insurance approval was given for a stay in the eating disorders unit. Kyndall attempted to quit eating entirely after admission to the unit, so it wasn’t long until they began force-feeding her by tying her down in bed and administering high-calorie intravenous feedings. While this stabilized her weight, it left her feeling out of control and angry, and it led to further mistrust of adults.

It was into this scenario that Lara was selected to talk to Kyndall.

The second Tuesday in February, Lara had an opportunity to read over the “chart” for Kyndall when she met in a hospital conference room with her professor, Dr. Jim Welty, and Dr. Ken Luther, who was in charge of Kyndall’s case at Metro. Luther had purposely given Lara a hard case in order to test her resourcefulness and persistence. Fortunately, Lara had an abundance of both and as she read the information, she asked Luther several questions. When asked by Welty what she intended to do about Kyndall, she said, “It’s time to think outside the box.” This was met with a look of surprise by both of her superiors.

She explained, “OK, we have a patient who has virtually no support outside her friends. If I can’t reach her tomorrow, then I intend to make a field trip to her school.”

“What do you intend to do by going to her school?”

“Round up her friends. I was fifteen and spent the better part of a week here. Since my parents had died, I had no other support group than my friends. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was in a major funk until my friends started showing up. That showed me that life goes on with or without me. It was up to me to make a choice. It’s time that Kyndall make that choice, too.”

Welty raised his eyebrows and said, “That is outside the box, Miss Phillips. But I don’t disagree.”

Luther just nodded. “We’ll see you tomorrow. Didn’t we say 4:00?”

Lara gave the two a serious look, and quietly agreed, “Yes, sir.”

After this, Luther got up and left the room, thanking the two.

Welty remained seated, but added, “OK, Doctor, thank you for your time.” Looking back at Lara, he said, “I think we’ll be here a few more minutes.”

After Luther left the room, Welty asked Lara why she wanted to use two sessions.

“I have to put the foundation in place. First thing, she needs to trust me.”

“How do you plan to do that?”

“Share my experience with my best friend. Be upfront with her. Tell her that if she keeps being so stubborn, she dies.”

“That’s pretty threatening. Don’t you think you’re being too harsh?”

“I’ve known girls like this. They’re tough. They’re like a cactus – they get along without the water of human love for a long time. But no matter how tough the exterior, they want to live more than anything else. Don’t worry. I’m not going to come across like a jerk or something. But I’m not going in there to say, ‘You poor pitiful girl. Now let’s eat, sweety.’”

Welty replied with a smile, “I know your mother. It’s obvious that you’ve been listening to her.”

Lara smiled back. “Apples never fall far from the tree, Dr. Welty.”

“OK, I look forward to seeing how you do tomorrow. I’ll be behind the mirror. You know what to do if things get too tangled for you.”

“Yes, sir. And believe me, if I get in too deep, I’m not going to drown, nor will I let Kyndall drown.”

The two traded thanks and left the conference room.

Lara drove back to the townhouse and after parking the car in the garage, ran upstairs at top speed. Tossing her other things down, she grabbed her Bible from her room, walked directly to a recliner in the living room.

While she appeared calm outwardly, inside she was unsure of herself. Lara knew that reaching Kyndall would be difficult. And mistakes couldn’t be undone and forgotten. Seeking solace, she spent an hour reading and praying, then found herself calm and no longer nervous or unsure.

The college student mentioned to her mother that she would be seeing a “real patient” the next day, but didn’t provide any details.

She awoke the next morning refreshed. At last, she was ready to actually use, at least in an elementary way, the skills that she had been taught. Jessie’s death will not be in vain, she vowed repeatedly.

After two classes and some homework, Lara drove from the university over to Metro Hospital. Darn, I wish I had Mom’s old parking place, she thought, having to park several hundred feet from the entrance to the Mental Health Unit. Sometimes, she remembered her first trip in the BMW and the wonder of coming to the townhouse to live. Now, it seemed almost like a lifetime ago.

Before she knew it, she was led to a room with cameras and microphones mounted in the ceiling. The equipment would be used by Luther and Welty to monitor her. Unknown to Lara, her mother joined Welty and Luther in the adjoining room.

Clad in some very loose clothes, Kyndall was led into the room by a nurse. At five-four, she was a bit on the short side, but even with her illness, Lara could envision her being an attractive girl if she would just return to a normal weight. Lara introduced herself and noted the ‘Yeah, whaddaya want?’ facial expression in the patient.

But Lara started the conversation after the two were seated.

“Kyndall, I’m Lara. I’m a student majoring in Clinical Psychology. Dr. Luther and my professor asked me to talk to you today.”

Kyndall shrugged her shoulders without saying a word.

Lara continued, “I lost my BFF to anorexia a few years ago. She died in my arms. I don’t want that to happen to anybody else, ever. So I’m here to try to help you.”

Kyndall straightened, then leaned forward in her chair. “Why do you want to try to help me? No one else around here cares anything about me. I mean, it’s like home, if you can call it that. My foster parents could care less whether I live or die.”

Lara got an aggravated expression on her face and fired back. “Kyndall, there are a lot of people in the world who care about you. Why do you think that no one cares?”

The patient looked down at the floor. You’re hiding your real feelings, Lara thought.

“Well no one ever said that. All I heard all the time that I was growing up was ‘Chunky’ or ‘Fatty’. But you know what the worst one was. It was my foster mother calling me ‘Tubby’. Yeah, I was a little heavy. But I wasn’t like some three hundred pound girl who sweats just walking down the hall.”

Lara switched to a sympathetic facial expression. I have to get her to trust me to lead her thoughts, she thought.

The student took Kyndall’s hand in hers and talked directly to her face. I’m not going to let you look down, she thought.

“I’m sorry that your foster mother called you that. I’ve seen your ‘before’ pictures. I agree with you. You weren’t morbidly obese or anything. And no one should have ever teased you for the way that you look. But look, it happens. People say things that hurt us, and we have to move on. We have to tell ourselves, ‘I’m not that, I’m better than that’. You have to decide that you like yourself regardless of what you look like.”

“But everyone ignored me until I lost weight.”

“Kyndall, people are shallow. They think that by losing weight, that you’re more attractive somehow. I know you didn’t think that. Did you suddenly have a different personality when you finally reached ‘skinny’?

“I was more of a bitch. I mean, I was hungry a lot. But I don’t think I was much different.”

“My point is this. We have to decide that we’re awesome, that it doesn’t matter to us what we look like on the outside. We have to love ourselves inside.”

“But what if no one else loves us but ourselves?”

“Kyndall, there will always be someone who will love you. How about your friends?”

“They don’t care. I mean, why did they start caring after I got skinny? Why didn’t they care when I was fat?”

“Kids have to get past the outer appearance of a person before they reach out. That reflects the ages of you and your friends. Once you changed appearance into this outwardly pretty girl, then they reached out. As an adult, it starts to get better. People are still judgmental, unfortunately, but not as much.”

Kyndall shook her head up and down. Maybe I’m getting through to her, Lara mused.

“I’m going to have a surprise for you in a couple of days that’s going to prove that people care. If I can show you that people care about you, will you work on caring for you? You’re not going to lick this thing until you begin to like yourself. Look, I want you to get well.” Remembering Jessie, Lara began be even more adamant. “You don’t deserve to die. You’re better than that. You’re a great person, a pretty person inside and out. Will you work with me on this?”

Kyndall shook her head.

“OK, I’m going to work toward that surprise that I talked about. I’ll see you in a couple of days. In the meantime, remember what I said. Be you. Love yourself for who you are. You’re Kyndall, a person who can beat this thing. If you can beat this, you can help others beat it. Think about that. You’re so worth it.”

“Nobody’s ever told me that. Nobody’s ever said, ‘I love you’ or ‘I care about you.’ Why did you have to be the one?” A couple of tears began to run down Kyndall’s face.

“I don’t know. But you know what? If I came in here and didn’t share the truth with you, I wouldn’t be a very good counselor. And I haven’t slaved away in my classes the last four years to be a bad one.” Lara paused momentarily. “And I’m not going to lose anyone else in my life to eating disorders if I can help it. You can beat this thing. You don’t have cancer or a heart condition or some other physical illness. Yours is right up there.” Lara pointed to Kyndall’s head with her right index finger. “We can change that, together. And you won’t be sick any more. Yeah, there’s people who are still going to be mean to you. None of us can avoid that. But we can work together and develop ways for you to defeat those evil thoughts.”

Kyndall sniffed. “OK.”

Lara told her, “I’ll be back on Friday. I love you, Kyndall.”

Kyndall reached out to Lara, and the student reciprocated. “I love you, too, Lara. Thank you.”

Lara held her for a bit, then released her hug. “Bye-bye, Kyndall.”

Kyndall looked back with sadness and said, “Bye, Lara. I’ll see you.”

Lara exited the room and went down the hall to where Welty and Luther were monitoring the visit.

Luther spoke to her first. “Hi, Lara. Good job. I can’t wait to see what happens when you bring her friends in. You may be able to do what the rest of us haven’t, at least so far.”

“Age difference. Kids trust other young people. I mean, I’m not that much older than her, so she can identify with me. It’s one card I knew that I could play.”

Welty spoke up. “I’m proud of you. You’re going to do well. Lara, you were meant to do this.”

The student beamed at the two of them. “Next time, I’ll be back with her friends. I plan to have them bring cards, balloons, and flowers, whatever. I want Kyndall to be reminded every single second of how people care.”

“What time do you want to do this?”

“7:00 Friday evening. That way, the kids’ parents can bring them here, since they’re too you young to drive.”

“Sounds good to me.” Welty said, with Luther shaking his head. “See you then.”

Lara went to her car and said a prayer of thanks. The session had gone much better than she could have ever anticipated. The student would never again doubt herself. I may make some wrong turns, but I’ll never be defeated, she told herself.

Early the next morning, Lara put in a call to Kyndall’s counselor, who agreed to help Lara collect cards and small gifts of appreciation from fellow students. Also, Lara arranged to speak with the students that afternoon.

Just a scant six hours later, at 2:00, Lara talked to the Kyndall’s classmates. She explained her background and what she hoped to do for Kyndall. When she asked for help in providing cards, flowers, drawings, and other reminders of her school, she was met with enthusiasm.

The budding psychologist asked for volunteers to deliver the items on Friday evening and five students responded. She breathed a sigh of relief, as the visitor limit was five and Lara didn’t really want to pick who got left behind.

Friday evening came, and promptly at 7:00, Lara met the five students in the lobby of the Eating Disorders unit. Taking them to an adjoining conference room, she thanked them for showing up. Lara also briefed them on appropriate and not-so-appropriate comments for Kyndall. Then it was time for the group to move to a holding area where Kyndall would be brought in.

Once the patient was brought in, a joyous pandemonium of cheers erupted. Tears began falling from Kyndall’s eyes as she greeted her classmates and looked at their balloons and signs. As each one brought their cards to her, she read each one with rapt emotion.

Finally, after finishing the notes and cards, Kyndall looked up to the group and choked up, saying, “I didn’t know that anyone cared about me. I don’t know how I can thank all of you. I just know that because of everything that you did tonight, I want to live. I want to go back to school and be with everybody again. Thank you!” Then she broke down into sobs of joy as the group surrounded her and began to give her hugs.

In the monitoring room, Welty felt tears come to his eyes. His student had successfully reached a patient and while complete healing for Kyndall was still weeks away, the ice had been broken.

After the students left and Kyndall had been returned to her room, Lara returned to the monitoring room where she knew Welty was waiting on her. Dr. Luther had already left, satisfied that Lara had completed what she set out to do.

“Did I pass, Dr. Welty?” Lara asked, mildly nervous at the professional reaction to her out-of-the-box ideas.

“Hell, yes, you passed, girl. Good job! I’m proud of you!”

“Thank you! I was afraid that I had gone a little overboard.”

“Whatever works. Sometimes you have to take a rubber mallet to a tough nut instead of a big hammer. You did really well. I think Kyndall’s on the right road now.”

“Can I keep in contact with Kyndall? I mean, I’d kind of like to continue to be her friend.”

“You bet you can.” Having another thought, Welty paused. “But talk to Dr. Luther to make sure. You’re technically not a professional, yet, so it should be all right.”

“Thank you, sir!” Glancing at her watch, she realized that she better get back to the townhouse. Lara was emotionally exhausted from the week, but was smiling nonetheless. “Well, I’ll see you Monday!”

“Bye, Lara!”

On the way back to the car, she said a silent prayer. God had blessed her with victory on her first assignment.

After arriving at her car, she opened the door and quickly sat down. Then Lara began talking out loud. To anyone else, it appeared that she was talking to herself. But to her, Jessie never died, and it was time to share a victory.

"Jessie, I promised you a long time ago that your death wouldn't be in vain. I couldn't save you, but I told you that I would try to help out anyone whose path I crossed. Well, today, it was number one. I wish you were around so I could hug you. Yet, it feels like you're right here. So here goes."

Raising her hand with her fingers far apart, but with tears forming in her eyes, she made a mock slap, stopping suddenly in mid-air. "High five! BFFs forever!"

This would not be the last time that she would celebrate with her late friend. Jessie would remain in a part of Lara's heart forever.