CHAPTER 24

Late April, 2009 – two days before Susie’s wedding

Susie and Megan met late on a Wednesday afternoon at an upscale restaurant that they frequented on special occasions. It was a bittersweet occasion. Even though Susie and Brad had decided to make their home in the city, the two realized that the wedding represented a serious turn in their friendship. No longer would they be “two single girls” against the world.

With the adrenaline evident in her voice, Susie said, “Can you believe it? Almost eighteen years. Yikes, we’ve known each other half our lives, almost.”

“I know. It doesn’t seem possible,” Megan added pensively.

Sensing her friend’s mood, Susie tried to cheer up the psychiatrist.

“We can still go running. And shopping. And going out to eat every so often.”

“Susie, I’m not trying to be mean here, but think about it. You and Brad want to have children as soon as possible. And you’re going to live out in the suburbs. You won’t want to come back into the city just for a run with me.”

“Try me. And as far as children, I can keep running ‘til I’m in my seventh month or so. Some women are able to do it until their ninth month.”

“And how is Brad going to keep busy while you’re off running around with me? Is it even fair for you as a new wife to do that?

Susie had been here before, Megan trying to be the realist, but sometimes in a serious, almost depressing way.

“Look, you make it sound like that I’m moving across the country and we’ll never see each other again. Nothing can be further from the truth, Doctor Phillips!”

“But you’re trying to make it sound like that nothing is going to change. If I come over to your house, I’m going to be a ‘third wheel’”.

“So what?”

Megan paused and reflected on the conversation. She looked at Susie with sadness and said, “I’m sorry. I did make it sound like I’d never see you again.”

“It’s OK. Megan Phillips, we’re BFF’s. For us, it’s more than just words. Look what we’ve been through together – you being disowned and on your own, my parents’ death, Matt’s death, my battle with the bottle, it goes on and on. We’ve been there for each other. And we will be, forever. You’ll have to look me up when you get to heaven. We’ll have to catch up even then.”

“And why are you so sure you’ll be the one to get there first?”

“I’m going to be the one raising kids from infancy. You got a big head start having a teenager.”

The two women laughed, and Megan forgot about her sadness. It turned out to be just another dinner, although both had accepted that it was a bit different, after all. They continued talking and sharing memories until the restaurant closed.

As they exited the restaurant and proceeded to their cars, Susie followed Megan to her X3 and hugged her tightly.

“I’ll see you and Lara Friday, Megan.”

“We’ll be there. I promise.”

“You better be. I’m not getting married without you and your daughter.”

Then Susie turned to go over to her Infiniti. As a second thought, Megan called out, “I love you!”

“I love you, too, Megan. BFF’s.” With a wave, Susie got into her car as Megan turned to enter the X3. As she saw her friend drive away, Megan locked the doors of the SUV and began to cry. She sensed that something was going to happen and it wasn’t going to be good.

Two days later

It was early morning in Megan and Lara’s townhouse. Megan had finally rationalized her thoughts from Wednesday night and decided that she was just full of emotions from their dinner together. Megan and Lara were in a good mood, but were rushing around, trying to get ready for Susie’s wedding, which was scheduled for three in the afternoon. They were to help with decorating the church and reception hall along with the other bridesmaids, then leave to go to a salon for hair and makeup preparation.

Megan had hung up their identical burgundy dresses in the coat closet adjacent to their front door. Lara, being ready a bit before Megan, decided to check on their dresses to make sure that they were still unruffled. Opening the door, the teen stared at them and shuddered at their sight. Those have to be the ugliest dresses ever, she thought.

Before long, the two women hurried to the church and helped with last minute preparation, then hurriedly made their way to a salon that Megan frequented to have their hair prepped for the big ceremony. Lara opted to have her hair trimmed before it was placed in an elegant upswept style that made her look older than her actual age. Then it was back to the church for the ceremony.

Megan and Lara helped Susie into her dress, and Megan practiced one more time on spreading out the six-foot long train.

Before they knew it, the two women were at the front, Megan as Maid of Honor being closest to where Susie would be standing. The bride’s walk went off without a hitch. Megan admired Brad’s look as Susie approached. Those two are absolutely truly in love, she decided.

Fortunately, the train cooperated with Megan, and she lovingly spread it out, covering a lot of the area on the stairs at the front of the church. The ceremony was brief although it had all of the “essential elements”.

Time went by quickly, and before they knew it, Megan and Lara were back down the aisle following the bride and groom. The Fellowship Hall of the church had been selected for their reception, so it was easy to proceed onto the reception.

Mr. and Mrs. Tankersley cut their cakes and soon, punch and cake was served to the waiting guests. Uproarious laughter was heard by all as the two met as many of their guests as possible. But then came a moment that involved just the women of the wedding party.

Megan and Lara along with other bridesmaids were ready to catch the bouquet. The women had marveled at how the wedding had gone off thus far without a hitch. Things were beginning to wind down, and soon, Mr. and Mrs. Brad Tankersly would be on their way to a honeymoon in Barbados.

Susie threw the flowers over her right shoulder and they travelled in a path that took them almost straight to Lara. Catching the bouquet, she laughed heartily as she raised it high in the air as if it were an Olympic medal.

“All of these women who are eligible, and the teenager has to catch it!” Megan laughed as well.

After all the hoopla surrounding this portion of the reception, Susie began to hug her bridesmaids, then finally saved the last and biggest hug for her maid of honor, Megan.

“We’ll keep in touch. I’ll still be able to go running with you sometimes.” Susie was trying to console Megan, who realized with sadness that her best friend was now beginning a new life of her own. Megan had made many other friends thanks to her church attendance, but none were as close as the financial advisor.

“I know. I’m just going to miss you so much, Susie. I love you!”

“As soon as we get back, we’ll get together for a meal. Brad can’t have me around 24/7 now, can he?”

Susie added one more comment almost as an afterthought. “I love you. I’ll see you on the other side.” The latter comment struck Megan as odd, but there were too many things going on for her to react or to think about it.

The two shared a small giggle, and as Brad approached, Susie reached out her hand and took his. It was time to leave the church.

Megan, Lara, and other reception attendees still there hurried over to a small table in the reception hall where packets of bird seed had been placed. After picking up the packets, they went outside to await the couple.

After only a couple of minutes, Susie and Brad came out, Susie carefully walking down the stairs since she was still in her dress. Everyone who had obtained the packets of seed began to throw them in unison. At the bottom of the stairs, Brad’s Triumph TR-6 was waiting. He had planned to take his bride to a local hotel where they would spend the night, then the pair would leave for Barbados the next day.

Megan watched with joy for her friend but sadness for herself as Susie was helped into the small car by her husband. Someone had jokingly suggested that he take his “little car” from the church to the hotel because they didn’t believe that Susie could get her dress into it. But after some twisting and turning, Susie and dress were both safely inside. Brad then hurried around to the other side and got in.

Soon, Brad pulled the small car away from the curb and Megan watched until it was a block from the church. Having driven often in this part of town, Brad was familiar with the traffic light synchronization, and he sped on through two signals away from the church. Reaching a comfortable speed to make the rest of the green lights, the new husband settled back because it would be several blocks until his first turn.

Nearing the intersection that Brad was approaching from the other side, Yolanda Speers was beginning to have a bad reaction to the drugs that she enjoyed at a party earlier in the afternoon. Instead of being able to see clearly, she was quickly losing her vision in a blurry sea of colors. I have to get someplace fast, Yolanda thought, so I can come down off this stuff. Gunning the Suburban, she didn’t realize her speed, which reached over seventy miles per hour. Nearing the same intersection where Brad was about to cross, the traffic signal appeared green with her impaired vision of swirled colors. So Yolanda kept driving until the TR-6 crossed the path in front of her. Yolanda didn’t know what she hit.

The Triumph took the hit squarely on Susie’s door. Built in an era before airbags, the car was ill-equipped to protect its occupants from the three-ton behemoth. The weight of the Suburban crushed the small car on Susie’s side, then flipped it on its top with the Suburban landing on top of it. Susie and Brad were killed instantly from blunt force trauma. Yolanda, on the other hand, was wearing her seatbelt, and with assistance from the airbag and the effect of the drugs, suffered only minor injuries.

Megan and Lara had just changed back into jeans and t-shirts when one of the bridesmaids ran back into the church, ashen faced and yelling about “the wreck”. Please Lord, no, Megan thought as she and her daughter ran outside. Leaving their dresses inside the church, both ran the few blocks toward the accident site. By this time, fire trucks, ambulances, and police had converged on the scene. Megan’s heart dropped when she saw the condition of the Triumph. As she watched, a wrecker, with assistance from firemen, was able to get the Suburban off the top of the small car. But as she watched, the bloody bodies of Susie and her husband of a scant few hours were cut out of the car. The crews were in no hurry and from that, Megan knew that they were both dead.

As the scene unfolded, Lara held Megan as she sobbed aloud for her friend. A part of Megan died in the accident, as the history between Megan and Susie had gone back so far and had been so personal. It was if she had lost a sister. Finally, Lara was able to get her mother to walk back to the church. Fortunately, the doors were still open so that they could retrieve their personal items and the “world’s ugliest dresses”.

The minister had waited on their return and greeted the pair as soon as they walked in the door. He and Lara got Megan to sit down and to begin talking. Between her parents’ figurative death, plus Matt and now Susie, there had been a lot of death in Megan’s life already. It didn’t reduce the sting, but inwardly, she knew that God was with her even in this tragedy. There would be still be much life to live. It just wouldn’t be with the person with whom she shared so much.

It was a quiet drive home for Megan, who willingly let her daughter drive back to the townhouse. After they arrived home, Lara continued to talk to and pray with her mother. Finally, Megan laid down and went to sleep later that evening. As soon as Megan went to sleep, Lara went back to her room but was unable to sleep from a combination of seeing her mother so distraught and grieving for her mother’s best friend.

CHAPTER 25

May-June, 2009 – summer between Lara’s sophomore and junior years

Lara successfully passed her driving school classes, and as a reward, Megan purchased a well-used but very serviceable Toyota Corolla S. The teen now had the freedom that she relished, but was careful not to give Megan any reason to suspect any of her activities. Now that she had her own “set of wheels”, Lara didn’t want to lose them for any reason.

Megan continued to grieve for her friend. While she was single, Susie had named Megan as the executor of her estate, but since Susie and Brad had gotten married, the responsibility for taking care of Susie’s estate fell to Brad’s brother Michael. Megan had spent considerable time helping him to liquidate Susie’s assets. Even though he wasn’t required to do it, Michael had substantially followed Susie’s wishes rather than combining the assets with her very new husband. As a result, Megan received a portion of Susie’s estate and was even more financially secure. But, secure or not, Megan would have given any amount of money if she could have Susie back. Megan had promised Susie that she would be her maid of honor when she married. Now, that and a thousand other dreams that the two shared would never happen. At least I have Lara, Megan reflected.

Michael and Megan got along well with each other while conducting the estate business. When Michael asked Megan out on a date, she was hesitant but eventually decided to say ‘yes’ to his invitation. In spite of the hurt of having been rejected by other men, Megan was willing to try again.

Fortunately, he treated her extremely well on their first date. She found it extremely ironic, though, that she was dating someone who had the name that she had as a child.

After several dates in quick succession, Megan decided that it was time to “come out” to him. She sensed that he was getting serious fairly quickly, so she wanted to put an end to it in case that he had issues with Megan having been born a boy. It had to be handled on their next date, Megan decided.

It was an evening with thunderstorms, so the pair met at a popular chain restaurant that the two had frequented. After exchanging polite kisses, they sat down. After a bit of small talk, Megan decided to open up.

“Michael, there’s been something that I have to tell you before I go any further.”

Interrupting, but still smiling, he said, “Let me guess. You’re positive for HIV. You can’t have any children. You’re allergic to glutens.”

“I wish it were that simple. Michael, I am a woman, and like you guessed, I can’t have children. But there’s a good reason for that. I was born a boy. I’ve lived as a woman since not long after starting college. I had surgery between my senior year and graduate school.”

Michael interrupted again. “I don’t get it. You were born a boy?”

“Yes, ironically, my name was Michael.”

He paused momentarily. Then he continued, “Megan, this just isn’t going to work for me. In fact, it’s an affront to me that you ever accepted one of my dates. I had no idea that you’re one of those weirdo people.”

“We’re not weirdo people, as you say. There’s scientific evidence to show that it’s not some kind of figment of our imagination. We’re born differently. Our brains are different than our bodies.”

“It doesn’t make any difference. I’m sorry, Megan. This is good-bye.”

With those words, Michael immediately rose and left the restaurant. Holding back her tears, Megan rose herself, and telling the waiter that the two wouldn’t be having dinner, made to it to the X3 before she lost her composure. Once again, societal discrimination dealt a cruel blow to her.

Fortunately, Lara’s world was not in turmoil at the moment, and the psychiatrist used her daughter as a vent that evening. She would later apologize to Lara for her behavior. But the teenager understood and listened to her mother as she spilled her sadness. It would be four years before Megan once again tried to find a man with whom to share her life.

CHAPTER 26

Summer, 2009

Lara was increasingly worried about Jessie. Every time that they met, it seemed that Jessie was getting smaller and smaller. Her face became angular and bony and even her neck had lost any fat that it once had. Even to her best friend, she was careful to never show herself without clothes. Controlling her weight had become an all-consuming passion. She became withdrawn, moody, and irrational at times. But Lara was willing to overlook Jessie’s behavior in order to maintain their friendship.

Early in the summer, Jessica and Lara planned to swimming at a local pool. The two were talking and Jessie forgot that Lara hadn’t seen her in a state of undress in a couple of months. Since the opportunity finally presented itself, Lara took full advantage and examined Jessie’s body from the backside as the latter changed into a bikini. Jessie’s ribs were visible in front as well as on her back. In the shoulder area, bones were clearly showing. The top hung loosely over her breasts, showing that they had shrunk. On the top of Jessie’s head, a bald spot was evident, making it clear that Jessica was losing her hair. There was absolutely no doubt that her best friend was well into the throes of anorexia.

“Jess, look at you!”

“I know. It’s a really great start. But I’m still kinda fat right here.” Jessie pointed to the only part of her body that still had some definition, and that was the upper portion of her thighs.

“But look. Your collarbone is sticking out and your ribs are showing. All of your boobs are gone and your hip bone is starting to show. That’s not normal!!”

“But I’ve still got this extra weight I need to lose. I mean, I still weigh 89 pounds. If I can just make it to 85, I think it’ll be enough. It’s just a little bit more. I just don’t want to be fat again. And remember me telling you about going to the mall with Mom last week? While she was shopping, I looked at some dresses and I was able to fit into a size 0.”

“But Jessie, you’re not fat any more. You’re anorexic. Don’t you remember the material that they showed us in science a couple of years ago?”

“I’m not anorexic. I still feel good.”

“No, you don’t. You fell asleep during the movie the other day. And you’re cold all the time.” The pair had been to a movie, and Jessica had dressed as if it was mid-winter. The loose sweat suit had accomplished two things, keeping her warm and hiding the extent of her weight loss.

Jessie began to tear up. “I don’t want to be fat. I’m still fat. I mean, look at my thighs.”

“Jess, you’re not fat anywhere.” The argument had given Lara an opportunity to look over her friend’s body with a critical eye. Jessie’s swimsuit, which had been purchased a year earlier, hung loosely on her, the bottom only staying on because the strings were tightened to such an extent that Jessie had to bundle the excess. The top was worse, with her shrunken breasts barely making a dent in the cups. Noting this, an ever anxious Lara began to almost yell almost in desperation. “You’re not even normal any more. You’re starting to look like somebody from the Holocaust. Take your suit off. I’m taking you somewhere to eat. You’ve got to eat!”

“No! I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to be fat anymore!” Jessie had ignored her friend’s order to change, and still in her swimsuit and athletic shoes that she was going to wear to the pool, she instead ran for and started up the treadmill in an adjacent room. While she began to run, she screamed at Lara, “This is what I want to do instead. I can burn up this fat faster on this thing than I can in the pool anyway!”

“I give up! You’re not fat! You’re sick!! Just sick! I don’t want to go anywhere with you like this!”

With that, Lara ran downstairs and out the front door of Jessie’s home, slamming the door behind her. Grabbing a tissue when she got to the car, she managed to hold most of the tears in until she reached the townhouse. After driving the Corolla into the garage, Lara let her emotions burst. She didn’t know what to do for her friend or how to do it. She didn’t want to bother her mom with what she viewed as her issue, but this was an exception.

She had driven back to the townhouse in a cover-up over her bathing suit, so after she calmed down, she changed into jeans and a t-shirt and phoned her mother.

“Megan Phillips.”

“Hi, Mom.”

“What’s wrong?” Speaking with a serious tone, Megan had developed the normal motherly sixth sense when something was wrong with their child. “I thought you were going to the pool with Jessie.”

“I was. But something happened. I need to talk to you.”

“Sure.” What could have happened between the girls, Megan asked herself.

“Mom, Jessie’s anorexic. She’s been losing weight for months now, but I didn’t see just how bad it is until we changed at her house. Mom, I saw her ribs and her collar bone.” Tears began to flow down Lara’s face as she continued. “She’s just skin and bones. She looks like those Holocaust pictures, but she keeps saying ‘I’m still fat’”.

Megan sighed. This was a tough call. Surely Jessie’s parents knew about the issue, but maybe they didn’t. What if they didn’t? Anorexics were able to hide their symptoms from loved ones for months. Finally, the answer came to her.

“Lara, call her Mom. Do you have her cell number? I’m sure that Jessie must have shared it with you sometime.”

“Yeah, I have it here.”

“Call her and be blunt. Tell her the situation and what you saw. In fact, tell her what you saw and the details of everything that you’ve seen these past few months. Jessie might have hidden this from her Mom and she doesn’t know about how bad it is.”

“OK, Mom. I’m sorry to bother you. I’ll call her, Mom.”

“Don’t you dare apologize to me, Lara Phillips. I’m proud of you. You did exactly the right thing.”

“Love you, bye.”

Lara called Carly White, Jessie’s mom, and as Megan suspected, she had somehow not noticed her daughter’s weight loss. The long work weeks that both she and her husband worked meant that they had little contact with Jessie. In the past few months, Jessie had purposely avoided contact with her parents, as well.

Carly took off work early almost immediately following Lara’s phone call. If what Lara told her was right, her daughter was in major trouble, and like it or not, action would have to be taken.

Jessica wasn’t expecting her, and Carly caught her running once again on the treadmill. Due to the noise of the machine, the teen didn’t hear her mother arrive. Not one to shy away from issues concerning her daughter, she walked straight to the room where the treadmill was located and knocked on the door facing.

Because of her anorexia, Jessie felt cold virtually all of the time, and even on the treadmill was dressed in a gray sweat suit. She momentarily jumped at the knock, then exclaimed “Mom!” as she looked around. Then she shut off the machine and hopped off.

“What are you doing home so soon”, Jessica asked.

“I came home to check on you. I heard that you may be having some problems.”

“I don’t having any problems, Mom”. In spite of her outward calm, Jessica’s heart was thumping loudly within her chest.

“Jessica, take your sweatshirt off, right now!” Carly ordered sternly.

The girl knew that she had to obey her mother’s orders or face a verbal thrashing plus being forced to do what she didn’t want to do, anyway. So she quickly removed her top, exposing her extreme thinness for her mother to see. Because of all the weight that she had lost, Jessie’s bra was practically falling off, and she reached up to push it back to cover her radically shrunken breasts. Her mother spotted Jessie’s ribs and shoulder bones clearly showing, and even spotted the teen’s bald spot.

Carly drew a breath in and cried, “Jessie! What have you been doing?”

“I’ve been on a diet, Mom. I was really afraid of getting fat like you.”

Carly sighed to herself. What her daughter pointed out was the truth. The mother had been a size 12 most of her adult life, but stress eating had led her to gain a substantial amount of weight during the past four years. Recently, she had to buy size 20’s for her wardrobe, and even this size wasn’t large enough as a muffin top was beginning to appear over the waist band of her pants. But Carly forced herself to lay her own concerns aside as she viewed her emaciated daughter.

“But your ribs are showing! And your arms are like sticks with skin over them.”

“I know, Mom. I look like a model now, don’t you think?”

It was obvious that Jessica was entirely oblivious of what was happening to her. This was alarming to Carly and it made the situation even more urgent.

“Take your pants off! I want to take a look at you all over.”

“OK.” Obviously unhappy, Jessie nonetheless complied.

Once her pants were off, the full extent of what she had done was evident. Jessica was down almost fifty pounds from her “fat” weight and some forty pounds less than “normal” for her height. Although not as severe as some pictures that Carly had seen, her daughter was undoubtedly anorexic, especially considering her attitude.

Viewing her stick-like legs, Carly asked Jessica again, “Why, Jessie?”

“Mom, I was fat. When I tried on a dress last Christmas, I had to get a size 7. I’ve been a size 5 like forever. I felt my belly and my thighs and they were soft. And my butt was starting to jiggle. I thought about you and how you’ve just gotten fatter and fatter, and I had to do something.”

“Jessica, how much have you been eating?”

“Enough.”

“Define enough.”

“Well, I had a protein bar for breakfast, a nutrition shake at lunch, then I had some lettuce and carrots a little bit ago.”

“Have you been counting calories?”

“Sure. How else would I be able to lose?”

“Tell me how many calories you’ve been aiming to eat every day.”

“Seven hundred. Eight hundred if I’m really hungry.”

Jessica began shaking because she had become extremely cold, in spite of room being at 75 degrees. She grabbed a fluffy robe from her closet, one that completely swallowed her sallow self. Carly paused while her daughter put on the robe. Then the two sat down on Jessie’s bed, each facing the other just a foot apart.

“How much do you weigh?”

“Mom, what is this? A game of ten thousand questions or something?”

“Jessie, I just need to know how much you weigh. I know that you have to be weighing yourself every morning.”

The teen sighed and answered, “89. I’m trying to lose down to 85 then I’m gonna stop. The other day when I went to the mall with Tristin, I tried on a dress and I was able to fit into a size zero. I just want to lose a few more pounds from right here. Mom, I might be able to model really soon.” Jessie pointed to the only place on her body where bones were not sticking out, her thighs.

Carly went to Jessica’s closet without saying anything and began removing some of her clothes and putting them on her adjacent bed.

“What are you doing, Mom?”

“Jessica, you have to go to the hospital. You’re sick.”

The teen began shouting. “Mom, I’m not sick!”

“What you’ve done isn’t normal. It’s called anorexia nervosa and if you keep on, you’re going to die. Do you want to die?” Carly raised her volume in response to Jessica’s.

“Mom, I’m not gonna die. I’m just gonna get thin.”

“Jessica, you’re beyond thin. You’re like a stick. You’re only eating seven hundred calories a day, and the normal for a girl like you is fifteen hundred minimum. I could check the treadmill’s stored history, and it would probably tell me that you’re spending an enormous amount of time on it.” She paused for a couple of seconds, then continued, “Jessica, you’re sick. I have to take you.”

The girl broke down in tears, and soon, tears flowed down the cheek of her mother as the two began to load a suitcase for the trip to Metro Hospital’s eating disorders unit. Jessica would eventually spend the next several weeks a couple of floors below where “Kyle” stayed during the week following her suicide attempt.

It would be a long, hard fight for the teen, one that consume the attention of her parents and her best friend for months to come.

CHAPTER 27

Early December, 2009 – Lara’s junior year of high school

Despite Metro’s best efforts, Jessie’s weight continued to drop, first through the eighties, then into the seventies. In a desperate attempt to save her life, the hospital began a force-feeding regimen. This involved strapping down the errant but determined teen, then attaching IV’s containing nutritional replacements.

Several cycles of this behavior occurred from the time that Jessie entered Metro. She would get stronger from the IV’s, then promise to eat better at home which would result in her release. When she wouldn’t eat, her weight would drop and then the Whites would have to return her to Metro.

Meanwhile, the toll on Jessica’s body was enormous. Because of the lack of nutrition, her body began to shut down some of its functions. Her heart, particularly, was beginning to suffer because her body was consuming muscle tissue in a last-ditch effort to stave off starvation. She began to suffer arrhythmias as a result. The doctors had been frank with Jessica’s parents and told them of the physical damage that she faced in recovery. Even if she recovered, her heart, liver, and other vital organs would have to be monitored for the rest of her life, as the illness resulted in damage to virtually everything in her body.

Even with her friend’s ongoing illness, Lara visited Jessie at home or in the hospital, wherever she happened to be at the time. It was difficult on Lara’s part. At times, she felt that she was talking to a blank wall due to Jessie’s lack of reaction to news of the happenings in their school and gossip about their mutual friends. All that Jessie wanted to talk about was her world, and more than once, Lara went to her car and cried after their visits. The girl with the limp hair, ghostly skin tone, and bony exterior was unrelated to the girl that she had grown up with. The only thing that kept Lara going back to see Jessie was prayer and the knowledge that somewhere deep down, Jessie needed her.

Lara continued to attend high school and was able to maintain a high grade point average in spite of taking Advanced Placement classes. Megan was proud of her academic achievements in spite of the fact that Lara didn’t have any ideas as to what she wanted to do in college.

Close to Thanksgiving of Lara’s junior year, Jessie’s illogical thought processes finally cracked. After many sessions, Jessie recognized what she had done and worked with the staff to get better. Her intake had to be closely monitored, as her fragile condition meant that her body could only process a certain amount of nutrition at a time. But finally, she was gaining weight, although it was still frighteningly low at just over eighty pounds.

But her heart had been irrevocably damaged. It had been determined that she was suffering from heart failure and the hospital began treating her for it. With all of the bad news, Lara was determined to bring some joy into her friend’s life, all the time knowing that she could die before she became strong enough to survive. Nonetheless, it didn’t matter – she had to help her friend. Lara asked for, and received permission to take Jessica on a trip outside the hospital. Lara thought that the change of scenery would be a morale boost for her friend. It was decided that a Wednesday evening two weeks before Christmas would be appropriate.

With the staff’s encouragement, Lara went to Jessie’s room to help her change into warmer clothes that she would need for venturing into the cold December air. Jessie looked worse in some ways rather than better, and it took all of Lara’s strength to keep from bursting into tears at the sight of her. There was no muscle definition anywhere in her body and her thin limbs were barely larger than a toddler’s. Her hair was thin and limp.

But finally, Jessie was upbeat. Lara finally saw some signs of her best friend’s return. She just prayed to herself that it wasn’t too late.

Because she was so weak, Jessie had to ride in a wheelchair while Lara pushed. When they reached the lobby, Lara went outside to the parking lot and pulled her car up to the entrance. A nurse wheeled out Jessie and the two worked to get into Jessie into her car without falling. A fall would have been disastrous for Jessie because her bones were so severely deteriorated due to osteoporosis related to her illness.

Lara’s mind was buzzing while getting Jessie loaded into the car. The problem was what to do once they left the hospital. She didn’t want to go to a restaurant or coffee house for fear of triggering Jessie. Another problem was keeping Jessie warm because the temperature was in the thirties outside. Fortunately, the car’s heater worked well, and soon it was veritably roasting above eighty degrees inside.

As to what to do, Lara prayed for a solution and the answer came quickly. She decided to go to various parts of the city and view the Christmas lights with Jessie and then park and converse with her.

The ride turned out to be the best experience in months for both young women. At last, Jessie was able to take her mind off her own problems. Lara drove to a park where there was a massive display of lights, and both girls gasped in amazement as Lara drove slowly through the display.

At the edge of the park, Lara pulled into a parking area where both girls could talk. Jessie opened up to Lara about recovery and especially about returning to a more normal life. Even though they wouldn’t be in the same grade any longer, Jessie still excitedly talked about returning to school. Finally, she asked Lara if they could go to a coffee shop and get some coffee, that she was cold in spite of Lara running the heater at full blast. Of course, Lara obliged, and the two girls spent another two hours in the coffee shop having a conversation the likes of which they hadn’t enjoyed in months. Fortunately, Jessie didn’t show any signs of “triggering” while they enjoyed their coffee and conversation.

Finally, it was time to take Jessie back to the hospital. Both girls were sad during the twenty minute drive back to the hospital. But each of them had hope where before there had been none. Just a few blocks short of the hospital, Lara abruptly pulled into a well-lit parking area adjacent to a local business and asked to hold Jessie’s hand. A very bony hand was offered, and Lara began to pray for her friend. Jessie began to whimper and after the prayer asked Lara if it was too late for her to ask for God’s help. Lara reassured her that it certainly wasn’t, and the two girls prayed together for the first time in their nine year friendship. Afterward, Lara quietly drove the remaining distance to the hospital.

After pulling in to the circle drive at the entrance to the Mental Health unit at Metro, Lara noticed how quiet that Jessie had become. It was obvious that the time the two girls spent together had taken a severe toll on Jessie’s weakened body. After pulling into the loading area at the hospital, Lara unloaded Jessie’s wheelchair from the trunk and brought it around to the passenger side door. Even with Lara gently easing Jessie out of the car, the latter practically fell into the wheelchair when she got out of the Corolla. In spite of this, both girls were still upbeat as Lara wheeled Jessie into the hospital.

“This has been a great evening”, Lara smiled at Jessie as she neared the nurses’ station.

“The best. I want to do this again, and really soon”, Jessie said, smiling back at her friend.

“Love you girl. Take care, and I’ll see you soon.” Lara reached over and hugged her tightly as Jessie leaned forward in the chair.

“I love you, too. Thanks again for this evening, and for everything. BFF’s forever.”

Jessie continued to hug Lara tightly, but all of a sudden her grip loosened as Jessie slumped into Lara’s arms. Alarmed at the sudden slackness, Lara tried to gently rest Jessie against the back of the chair, but Jessie’s now limp body slumped forward. Thinking that Jessie had merely fainted, but afraid of worse, Laura caught her and yelled for help from a staff member stationed in the hospital lobby.

“I need help! Jessie fainted or something!” She was not only frightened at the suddenness of what had occurred, but also wondered what the real cause of Jessie’s sudden collapse. Fortunately, the nurse who responded helped Lara to ease Jessie onto the lobby floor.

While Lara watched, the scene quickly became a rush to save Jessica’s life. The nurse determined that she was not breathing and had no pulse. Within seconds, a resident happening by the scene ran off and came back with a portable defibrillator. All the efforts were in vain, though, as Jessica’s heart refused to beat any longer.

An already emotionally tired Lara retreated to a corner of the lobby, crying and watching helplessly as they tried to revive Jessica. Pulling her cell phone from her purse, Lara called her mother. Fortunately, Megan had just left the hospital after attending to a suicidal patient. When Megan heard the intensity of her daughter’s call, she instinctively knew what was happening. Turning the SUV around, she admonished, “I’ll be there in just a minute! Pray for Jessie!”

Half running, half walking into the lobby of the Mental Health Unit, Megan arrived and immediately placed her daughter in a tight bear hug. The memory of losing Susie was still fresh in her memory, and she was determined that Lara wouldn’t feel alone. Releasing her grip, the two watched quietly through their tears as the doctors and nurses who had gathered around Jessica began to disperse. One of them remarked for the record, “Time of death, 2215”. Lara again broke down as Megan held her tightly and cried herself. It would be after midnight before both women could compose themselves enough to leave and return to the townhouse. Neither would realize it at the time, but the events of the evening would guide Lara into her lifetime career.

The following afternoon, Megan received a call from Lara. Megan had left Lara asleep in the townhouse. There was absolutely no way that she was going to insist that Lara go to school after such an ordeal.

“Megan Phillips.” Megan answered the phone without looking at the caller ID.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, honey. How are you doing? I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

“I’m really tired. I still cry a little bit if I think about things too much. I just keep remembering all the good times that we had together. And sometimes, the bad times.” Lara was referring to a few times when she ran to Jessica’s house after a beating by her father.

“Of course. That’s going to happen for some time, honey. It’s just a natural part of the grieving process. Jessie was your friend and a really close one. It doesn’t matter whether she was sick or not, she’s a big part of your history.”

“Well, that’s kind of what I’m calling about. Jessie’s mom called me and asked if I would like to deliver a eulogy at the funeral. I mean, I’ve heard about eulogies, but I’ve never been to a funeral with one. I don’t know if I can do it without crying my eyes out up there and looking stupid. I just wanted to ask what you think.”

“Do you want to tell everyone about your friendship? There were a lot of things that you shared. I mean, I didn’t see as much of her as your Mom, certainly, but I could tell that in a lot of ways, you were as close as sisters.”

Lara was close to tears again. “We were. I mean, I think I’d like to deliver one, because everyone is going to emphasize just the last couple of years with her illness. I’d like everyone to know the Jessie that I knew.”

“Go for it, then. You’re one strong young woman. And don’t worry if you have to stop and sniffle a couple of times during your delivery. They don’t expect you to be presidential up there. After all, you’re still a young woman who’s lost her best friend. Remember that I’ll be there, too! I’m sure you can find some examples of some eulogies on the internet. But if you have any questions, call me back. I just have a couple more patients this afternoon, so I can definitely help you with it tonight if you want.”

“Thank you, Mom. I’ll see what I can find on the Internet. I’ll see you tonight.”

Lara was an intelligent and creative person, and by some miracle was able to put her emotion aside to write a tribute to her friend.

That evening, Lara showed her eulogy to Megan. It was profound, and showed a level of maturity that even Megan didn’t expect from Lara.

Jessica’s funeral was on the following Saturday. When it came time in the service for Lara to deliver her eulogy, she squeezed her mother’s hand and quietly walked up to the podium.

She began to deliver her eulogy.

“We’re here today to honor the memory of Jessica Lynn White. Many of you knew her as Jessie or Jess, but by any name, she was my best friend and the sister that I never had. I first met Jessie in the first grade when she moved into our school district with her parents. We sat next to each other in homeroom class. We made unlikely classmates, as I was a tomboy and she was the girl who was always dressed up. But as I got to know her, our differences disappeared. By the time fourth grade rolled around, we spent every lunch hour together. I was first allowed to go over to her house that year, and as time went on, we spent more and more time together. A lot of times, we did our homework together. During times when we weren’t busy with school work, we would talk, try on clothes, practice our makeup (and no, we didn’t share it, Mrs. White!), mainly all of the things that girls do together with their BFF’s. Because of family issues, I always had to come to her house to spend time with her, but she never seemed to mind. I’ll never forget the long afternoons where we lounged on her front porch or walked to the library together. Later on, my Mom took us to the mall where we learned that quintessential female skill – shopping. I will always be grateful to her for spending time with me in all of the shops where we critiqued clothes. I would have never gotten out of my tomboy stage, I’m afraid, except for the times that we spent in dressing rooms trying on dresses, skirts, and tops. She was the first one besides my Mom to tell me that I was pretty. With this one phrase, I was able to accept and love myself. Jessie, you gave me everything and you never asked for anything back. You always, always, always listened to me and never criticized me. I hated it when I found out that you were sick. From the very first time that I saw you in the hospital, I knew that I had to do everything that I could to get you well. It was depressing to see you, but I was so glad that we were able to spend time together. The last time that we saw each other was a culmination of our friendship. We laughed, we talked, we drove around and saw the Christmas lights, and we smiled at each other. But the best part was parking my car and praying with her for God to forgive her sins and redeem her. That night will stay with me forever, Jessie. While we were best friends, we saved the absolute best for last. I will miss you forever! I love you.”

Megan was in tears before Lara finished. She was proud of her for honoring her friend, but she was also sad that Lara would have to live through another death at such an early age. As Lara returned to her seat beside Megan, the psychiatrist Mom hugged her daughter tightly and whispered “I’m proud of you!” to her.

Lara would continue to grieve for several weeks. After some time, it became apparent to Megan that Jessica had served as a bridge between her old life with her parents and her new one with Megan.

It took hours of talking and crying for Lara to release all of the angst to her mother. Initially, Megan feared that her daughter might try to pull back into her own shell, but happily, the opposite happened. The teen became ever closer to her adoptive mother, and to those in their circle of acquaintances, Megan was as much a mother as any biological one.

CHAPTER 28

Mid-December, 2009

Tim Phillips was in his home office, perusing the internet as was his custom on most weekday nights. He had recently semi-retired from his occupation as a urological surgeon and chose to use the internet to help keep his mind sharp.

He didn’t think much about “Michael” for more than a dozen years after disowning him, being busy with his practice. But after slowing down, there had been time to think, and the loneliness of old age had begun to set in.

A month earlier, by accident, he was traversing one of the corridors outside a large meeting room where Metro Hospital had many of its conferences. By the door, a sign stood announcing a lecture by “Dr. Megan Phillips”. Once or twice in the past years, he had been asked if he was any relation to the psychiatrist, a question to which he firmly answered “no”. But this particular day, curiosity overcame the objections and hurt of the past.

Carefully taking a seat in the last row of the darkened auditorium, he waited until Megan’s speech began. It took him less than five minutes to realize that no matter how he felt, the person delivering the lecture was a woman by any definition. Her tall, slender build and Native American facial features heavily reminded him of his wife. The psychiatrist’s gestures, speech, and the manner in which she expressed herself further added further evidence. He concluded that, in fact, this “woman” and his wife could have easily been construed as mother and daughter given their similarity. After fifteen minutes, he left the seminar so that he would not be seen.

Tim didn’t immediately tell his wife about his accidental encounter. Instead, as a physician, he began to research transgender and transsexual behavior. Could “Michael” have remained male as he insisted those many years earlier? Was there legitimacy to “Megan” and “her” claim that she grew up mentally female in a male body? The genuineness of the woman delivering the lecture gnawed at his mind.

After almost a month of looking at videos, blogs, essays, and other internet material, he came to conclusion that he was wrong. It was time to accept her as a woman, no matter how “Megan” had been born physically. Michaela needs to see this stuff, he thought.

“Mic”, he yelled from his office, “Could you come here a second?” His wife was in a room just down the hall and quickly came to his office.

“Yes, dear?” she said, curious as to what Tim wanted.

“You need to see this. Come and have a seat.” Michaela complied, having come to conclusion that the abruptness of his speech came with being a doctor. She had long ago accepted his bossiness, knowing that he cared regardless of how he sounded.

“Mic, I’ve been wrong about our child. A month ago, I wandered into a lecture that was being given by ‘Megan Phillips’. I remembered that day that we kicked Michael out, and he called himself ‘Megan’. A couple of people have asked me over the years if I was related to Megan Phillips, the psychiatrist. I told them no, because I was still convinced that Michael was crazy and I selfishly didn’t want to acknowledge being a party to his mistake.”

The physician continued. “Anyway, I went into the lecture and it was indeed the person that was born as our son. But it was a woman through and through who delivered the lecture. I remembered all of the times that he said he was a girl and how happy he looked when he was dressed like one. But the last time we saw Michael, at Christmas during his freshman year, I saw a girl standing there by the car. I couldn’t understand it. So I rejected my child. I was wrong. Seeing Megan Phillips in that lecture, how confident she was standing up there, how well she presented her material.” Tim stopped.

“She was right”, Michaela quietly remarked.

Nodding his head in agreement, he replied, “Yeah. Michael was always Megan. Let me show you some things that I found.”

For the next two hours, Tim showed his wife videos and other reference materials supporting what Michael had insisted during his childhood.

One of the things that Tim found was evidence of the effect of certain drugs on a fetus while still in utero. While Tim and Michaela were discussing it, Michaela stopped and exclaimed, “How about those ‘vitamins’ that they gave me in Ghana? I kept a bottle as a souvenir of our time there.”

“Go get it. We’ll see if there’s anything there to cause a problem.”

When Michaela returned, Tim looked over the bottle. On reading it, his face became flush.

Shakily, he told his wife, “The ‘vitamins’ contained 100 milligrams of DES per dose. You were being given large amounts of estrogen through them.”

“What’s the effect of that?”

“Mic, there are studies out there that detail the effects of DES on unborn children. We found out as early as the 1970’s that it caused issues, particularly for girls. But obviously, in Ghana, they still felt that it helped to prevent miscarriage.”

“What about boys, Tim?” Now, Michaela was sitting on the edge of her seat.

“Of course, there are differences between female brains and male brains, the old Venus and Mars story. We all start out with female brains. Male brains develop because of a burst of testosterone that boy babies get as they mature in utero. DES in dosages as little as half of what you were given prevent that from happening. So you end up with a baby with a boy body but a brain that’s still female.”

“So Michael wasn’t lying. He really was a girl in his mind.”

“That’s right. There are a couple of other things that happen with DES, things that I saw in Michael at a young age. His genitalia were underdeveloped and small the whole time he was here. And do you remember when we were stumped when he developed hypothyroidism when there isn’t any history of it in our families? That’s another sign of DES.”

“Tim, I shouldn’t have ever taken them. What was I thinking, taking some medication from a third world country?” Tears began to roll down Michaela’s face. Tim saw it and reached over to hold his wife.

“Mic, we didn’t know. These studies didn’t occur until after Michael left for college. And unless you looked for them, they weren’t easy to find, because they weren’t widely published.”

“Tim, we kicked our child out of our lives. Eighteen years. And Michael, or Megan, wasn’t lying to us. She was a girl and she couldn’t help it that she was occupying a boy’s body.”

“We have to get in touch with her and try to reconcile. That’s all we can do now. Maybe she’ll forgive us and let us back into her life.”

Michaela shook her head up and down to signal her agreement. It was difficult for her to talk. She was busy remembering the times that she had clandestinely taken ‘Michael’ out as a girl and witnessed her happiness. What would life have been like for ‘Megan’ if she had been allowed to be a young woman, she thought.

After a long pause, Tim continued to verbalize his thoughts. “Mic, I want you to call her. I’m afraid that she’d reject me and just hang up if I were to call.”

“I would have to agree. And would you blame her? The rejection, the disownment, and everything you did? You hurt her by trying to make her into something she obviously wasn’t.”

“Are you blaming me completely?”

“No, I don’t blame just you. I went along with it.” Michaela paused. “I’ll try to call her later this week. I want to make sure that I say everything right, so give me a couple of days.”

“OK, I will. I pray this works. I’m so darn sorry now.”

“Me, too.”

Tim began to have tears run down his face as he witnessed his wife’s reactions and thought more about the studies and results that showed what happened with his child. He, too, wondered what life would have been if he hadn’t rejected her outright.