Sydney Moya

©2016

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Chapter 5

“Donny proposed,” a cheerful Lindsay announced to her friend.

She showed Alex the engagement ring.

“Oh, wow, congratulations!” Alex said before wrapping her best friend in a hug.

“I’m so happy,” said Lindsay.

“So am I this is great news sweetie,” Alex said as they held each other.

When they pulled apart Lindsay looked Alex in the eye.

“Would you be my maid of honour?”

Alex’s mouth fell open.

“Me,” she said staggered.

“Yes you, you’re my best friend. I don’t have any sisters and I think of you as the sister I never had,” replied Lindsay.

Alex was taken aback to say the least. It was her turn to cry, stunned by the honour her friend was bestowing upon her.

“Please say yes,” Lindsay added.

Alex nodded, “Of course. It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done for me,” she said.

The women hugged each other again.

Alex didn’t disappoint as maid of honour. She helped her friend out with everything from going to every dress fitting to helping with the right colour scheme. Even though the run up to the wedding brought her in close contact with Tommy again as he was Donny’s best man she didn’t let it get in the way of her helping her bestie as she felt she owed her so much.

They met on the first day which was awkward.

“Hi,” said Tommy.

“Hey,” said Alex.

She remembered the breakup, how couldn’t she but she didn’t let it direct her actions as regards to her ex. For some reason her stomach felt odd, like she was nervous or something.

“So how are you keeping?” Tommy asked.

“Good, you?” Alex responded in what she hoped was a calm voice.

She made sure she didn’t touch her hair or give any other strange signals.

“Meh, so so. I can’t complain,” he remarked.

“That’s good,” said Alex.

Another awkward silence fell between them.

“Think we should put them out of their misery?” Donny asked his fianceé.

They were across the room watching the pair. They had both talked about the potential for discord between their friends but both of them had concluded they were mature enough to handle meeting each other again without fireworks.

“They seem to be okay,’’ Lindsay murmured, “Alex has moved on with her life. She’s gotten used to people rejecting her.”

Donny nodded, he’d been stunned when Tommy told him Alex had been born male and that he was dumping her. Being Lindsay’s boyfriend meant hearing Alex’s side of the story and he felt sorry for her.

Being transgendered sounded like a tough break. Now she was estranged from her family because of her gender issues too. He thought she was a remarkably strong woman.

Tommy nodded, at a loss for anything new to say.

Alex nodded then went off to the ladies. She found a stall and sat down before taking a deep breath. She sighed, realising she still liked the bastard. She sat there for what seemed an eternity as she tried to assess where these feelings came from.

Failing to find an answer she stood.

“I’m here for Lindsay,” she whispered to herself.

As a result Alex kept her cool around him and made sure she focused on her friend’s needs. She did her best to avoid him as much as was possible in such a situation which was next to impossible. Nothing happened though and soon enough the preps for the wedding were over.

The girls had a great hen night and before they knew it the morning of the wedding was upon them.

“Alex, I’m scared,” Lindsay murmured that morning after breakfast.

Alex sat down besides her friend.

She smiled, “I think that’s normal but the question you have to ask yourself is, are you scared your life’s changing and is the fear going to keep you away from Donny?”

“So it’s just nerves?”

Alex nodded, “You love this guy and I’ve never seen you so happy around anyone. It’s scary but listen to your heart and you’ll know what to do,” she whispered.

Lindsay hugged her pal.

“Thanks, I needed to hear that,” she murmured, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Hey what are friends for hon. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for your help,” Alex said softly.

Lindsay giggled, “Yeah, you used to be so clammed up actinng like something you weren't. I definitely prefer the new you,”

“You’re a true friend Linds,” Alex murmured.

The girls shared a teary moment and hugged again.

“Come on, let’s get you dressed, we can’t have you miss your big day,” said Alex moments later.

The wedding ceremony went well and Alex didn’t think she had ever seen her friend look so radiant and happy as she did that day.

At the reception Lindsay’s dad had danced with her during which time he thanked her for being such a good a friend to his daughter.

“You’re going to make some man very lucky one day,” he added leaving Alex red with embarrassment.

It seemed like the atmosphere of the wedding had got to Tommy because he approached her towards the end of the reception just before happy couple left. This was unexpected because he’d made sure to avoid talking to Alex during the entire ceremony and the day leading to it. Alex hadn’t wished to speak to him too which worked just fine for her so it was a surprise when he came over.

“May I have this dance?” Tommy asked, “For old time’s sake?”

Alex was stunned, unsure what he was getting at.

She surprised herself by giving him her hand. He led her to the dance floor where most couples were strutting their stuff.

They began dancing as ‘All of me’ by John Legend played.

“You look amazing,” Tommy whispered, making Alex blush slightly.

“Thanks Lindsay has got great taste,” Alex replied.

“I don’t know, she married Donny,” joked Tommy.

Alex giggled, “He is your friend too.”

“True. They look so happy though,” Tommy said.

“Yeah,” agreed Alex, eyeing the happy couple who were lost to the world as they talked to each other.

She sighed with longing.

“You want that too?”

“Who doesn’t?” Alex replied.

“I do too,” said Tommy softly, his voice husky.

It sent shivers down Alex’s spine.

He placed a finger under chin.

She seemed to freeze at his touch.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he murmured, “you’re the best girl I ever dated.”

She looked up into his eyes stunned by his words.

“Give me another chance Alex,” Tommy begged.

They had all but stopped dancing.

“You said it would be gay remember?”

“You’re not a guy anymore,” Tommy remarked looking into her grey eyes, “you had the surgery right?” Tommy finished, grinning.

Alex’s eyes flashed, “Oh I see. Now I’m good enough for you?”

She pulled away.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Tommy protested.

“Just stay away from me,” Alex said putting up her hands.

“Alex,’’

“Leave me alone,” Alex replied, close to tears, “just go to hell Tommy, you broke my heart and told me I wasn’t woman enough for you. You made your choice, go live with it,” she whispered before turning on her heel.

The Sanders family was never the same again after Alex’s coming out. Her subsequent transition and surgeries had driven a wedge between her and Marshall before her mother’s inability to see how important transitioning was had forced Alex from her family circle.

Alex had not spoken to her brother for close to eighteen months. She hadn’t seen him since their altercation which had been before she’d become estranged from her mother about the surgery. Mel of course acted as the bridge between Alex and the rest of the family. She’d tell her mother what Alex was up to and do the same with Alex.

“Marshall’s getting married,” she told her one night over the phone.

“Really, that’s nice,” said Alex with a smile. Despite what had happened she still loved her family and hoped for the best for them. She just couldn’t be near them and their disapproval.

“Yeah, it is,” said Mel cheerfully.

“What’s the girls name, what does she do?” Alex asked.

“Her name is Kelly Moorcroft. She’s 26 a high school English teacher. She’s about my height, honey blonde with green eyes. She’s quite pretty and she’s nice too,” said Mel too.

“Are they in love?”

“Yeah, I’ve never seen Marshall so happy,” Mel replied.

Alex smiled, happy for her little brother.

“When is the wedding?”

“This June,” explained Mel.

What does Mom think of her?” Alex asked.

“She likes her, she says she's from a good family; apparently Kelly once lived in our neighbourhood as a kid.”

“No way, it’s that Kelly! I learnt with her brother Rob, we were lab partners for a semester when I was 14 then they moved away. He used to call her his annoying little sister,” recalled Alex, laughing, “It’s a small world.”

“Wow, I don’t think I remember them but that’s the one. Her brother’s called Rob. Apparently he’s married with two kids.” said Mel.

It was strange to hear that, Rob had a family. For some reason she felt empty and inadequate.

“I wish them all the best,” said Alex.

“It’d be better if you could tell them in person,” said Mel.

“You know that’s impossible,” said Alex.

Mel sighed, “I hate this,” she murmured, “can’t you make up with them,” she asked.

Alex sighed too, “I’d come if both of them didn’t think I was insane or if my skin was thick enough to take their disapproval but it’s never going to happen so it’s better off like this,” she explained sadly.

Since undergoing her final surgery Alex had felt a sense of wholeness unlike any other she’d ever felt before. For the first time in her life she was at peace with who she was and actually felt each day wasn’t a chore to live through but actually felt that each moment was worth savouring. Life was worth living and Alex lived her’s like the millions of other single young women out across the nation who hoped for a happy ending someday.

Becoming a woman wasn’t all sugar and spice. In fact it had cost Alex her family, people she loved deeply. In this day and age females still have a lower status than males and she’d given that up all in the hope that she could be true to how she felt. She would have to take medication for the rest of her days whilst living with the risk of prejudice every time someone new learnt her story.

Regardless she still thought it was worth it. All her life she had felt wronged by fate. Cheated out of girlhood and aching to be the girl her heart had told her she was. Now she was a reflection of the heart and it was amazing.

Alex thought about it every once in a while,

‘Life is a strange thing, if only because of its twists and turns all of them offering infinite possibilities.

I am sure there is a parallel universe out there somewhere where I was happy with my gender and am no doubt the man my body was designed to be.

This alternate me has everything I don't. A living father, supportive brother and he still calls his mother regularly.

Still, the more that I think about it the more realise this person isn't me. I am who I am.

Alexandra Sanders.

For the first time in my life I feel at home in my own body. It may be a clichéd but I am whole. Since cliché's are based on reality I think it’s a very appropriate one to use. Being female has been an overwhelming force in my life from the tender age of four.

I'd spent my entire life getting to grips with my identity and I nearly failed to live with it. How on earth could I expect my family to understand immediately understand what I’d been grappling with for over two decades.

I should know better than that. Unfortunately the heart has a lower bar than the brain. It expects unconditional support, anything less is tantamount to betrayal.

Did I feel like Mom and Marshall had betrayed me? So help me yes I did. They wouldn't open their eyes to see the person I'd become and nothing could convince me it wasn't because of their selfishness. After all they pined for the false version of me regardless of how miserable that made me.’

Lindsay’s marriage to Donny had given Alex a lot to think about. She realised she didn’t want to die alone and wondered how to find that special one.

She still thought about Tommy but didn’t regret her decision.

The way he had talked that night had all but guaranteed that he hadn’t really wanted her except to see how much of a woman she was. In Alex’s eyes only the surgery made her acceptable to him and that wasn’t good enough for her.

She had not given up on love though so despite her uncertainty about dating she joined a dating site and placed her details out there. At first she got lots of people checking out her profile but no solid hits which left her wondering if something was wrong with her or were guys shyer than she thought.

“It’s okay, there’s someone special waiting for you,” Lindsay told her when she told her about what she was doing.

“You think, I mean I have so much baggage. It’s so hard you know,” she admitted.

“I know but it’s worth it in the end. You’ll find someone,” said Lindsay with a smile, “I mean look at you, you’re gorgeous and you have a great personality on top of that,” her friend reassured.

“I’m also a transsexual,” Alex pointed out.

Lindsay smiled and shook her head, “You’re a woman as far I can see and any guy with a hang up about that wouldn’t be the right guy for you,” she added.

She was so proud of how Alex had turned out. She couldn’t believe this lovely woman had been that solemn, nerdy accountant she’d first met six years before. It was a remarkable change, one she was happy to have been a part of.

Alex wasn’t as optimistic as her buddy though but she was about to be surprised. One weekend after taking a trip to an out of town shopping mall that she’d heard had some specials, her car had developed a problem and she’d had to pull over.

This was one occasion where Alex was grateful she’d been raised as boy because when she popped the hood, she knew what to check for and she found the source of the problem in no time. She went to her trunk and took out her toolbox and started fixing it. As she was fixing it another car pulled over and parked in front of her.

A man and a little girl came out. Both of them walked over

“Is everything okay,” the man asked.

He was tall, with a medium build and a fresh face.

He had the bluest eyes Alex noted and the little girl seemed like a chip of the old block though her features were much finer than the man’s.

They had the same blond hair and the same eyes.

“I’m okay just having a bit of engine trouble,” said Alex slowly

“Hi,” said the little girl, “do you need any help? My dad’s real good with cars,” she explained.

To be continued.