“Someday I’m going to be openly recognized as Elaine Royce. I appreciate that at least now you know I’m Elaine. I’m hoping come Easter, Mom will let me show my colors by me wewaring a pretty dress. Then when this school year is over I plan to be Elaine one way or another all the time.”

Nurse Cathy says, “But you were your team's Quarterback, Friday night. So are you a Tomboy?”

Rhonda laughs, “She’s more girly than I am if she gets the chance.”

Cathy looks at me and I give a gentle smile in agreement. “My sister Sara is a bit more athletic than I am, but she likes very much to be girly. Me, I want to be a girl more exactly a young woman with all the possibilities thereof.” Cathy laughs as she leaves the room.

Nurse Cathy was gone, but Rhonda’s still there when Dr. Akers came in with my Mom. I heard Dr. Akers saying, “Audrene, I think you need to allow your home to be a safe sanctuary for Elaine to be herself.”

Audrene says, “Her sanctuary as her father will insist, consists of visiting as Elaine with me and her friends by reading fashion and hair magazines. Bryce already likes romance stories. I let his dad see his friendship with Rhonda and Jennifer with the illusion that it’s a guy thing.”

Dr. Anne says, “I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s healthy for Bryce or Elaine.”

Mom says, “It’s Sunday and you said Bryce is released to go home today and school tomorrow. No contact practice but he can participate in football practice on Wednesday.”

The Doctor said, “But I thought it was agreed he won’t be playing any more football this year?”

I speak up, “Coach Higgins wants to keep the illusion for our opponent that I’m the quarterback. That’s so they need to prepare to play against me as the starting quarterback. I’m even to fully suit up except for the shoulder pads.”

Rhonda says, “You know, what I think about that Elaine.”

Dr. Akers says, “I don’t, what are your thoughts?”

Rhonda looked at my Mom and me, “Well, if it would be needed Coach Higgins and most coaches would sacrifice a person for another win. Heck, if it got them in the state play-offs Bryce would probably agree with playing.”

“I would not.”

Rhonda giggles, “That’s Elaine responding right now.”

Dr. Akers says, “I’m not releasing Bryce to do any contact and that he can only practice.”

Sara gives me a bag with a pair of her socks and a package of three tops, instead of the regular boy’s undershirts. There is a pair of my, Bryce’s, jeans and a sweatshirt. I go into the bathroom to change. Underneath my jeans, there's a pair of new cotton underpants, more correctly panties as well as a girl's top in place of my undershirt. I know better then to call out and ask if it is okay. Even the jeans Sara brought for me to wear home are snug and help to provide some added pleasure in wearing.

Dr. Akers sends special ankle and wrist wraps. They're with instructions that if I’m to do any jogging or running my ankles are to be properly taped to provide needed support. We drop off Rhonda at her home. I go in to thank Mrs. Adams for her support and sharing Rhonda as they have. She says, “Remember you have a sanctuary of sorts here. Would you be open to coming here for an overnight or weekend?”

I say, “You know I’d love too; maybe after football is over.”

I’m soon back out to the car, “Mom, Mrs. Adams says I’m invited to stay there for an overnight maybe even a weekend.” Mom’s response is, “We’ll see.”

Sara whispers, “At least it’s not a No.” Even Mom nods in affirmation. Sara texts me, “They’re still expecting this to pass over for Bryce, and you to continue being Bryce.”

I text her, “It doesn’t work that way, I’m a girl.”

“They have trouble accepting your body is androgynous. When you told them you choose to be a girl. Dr. Akers told me it wasn’t a decision, but it's how you’re wired. You even say it will happen come summer. You’re trying to hold down something that already is out. I'm used to thinking of you as my brother. Your androgynous body allows just enough testosterone that it works against you being seen as a girl.”

I’m sitting next to Mom as we drive into our garage and I’m crying. What Sara said is sinks in. Mom says, “Bryce what is upsetting you?”

She says it again and I’m not even hearing my name. Sara opens my door and hands me my stuff. She dares to say to our Mom, “She’s not hearing you. She could use a hug and some space to be her.”

A half-hour later mom comes into my room, “Bryce,” I’m down to my camisole and cotton panties, she says, “I know what you want, but you have to meet us halfway, and stop all this girl talk for now.”

‘Halfway! I’m sixteen and hidden under the image that I’ve carried all my life.’ “I don't understand Mom. I’d have thought to be a quarterback for Dad was going all the way.”

She says, “You know better than to think he’s going to see it that way?”

“I might look like Bryce but I’ll be wearing my school colors on my toes and fingers. Dad had better be willing to accept that.”

Dinner tonight is very quiet except for Mom and Sara carrying the discussion. Dad talked about the football team and assumed I was listening. Well, I did as I'm told to. We’re a win away from going to the state playoffs.

I was more interested in Sara’s fall concert coming up. I ask, “Can I practice singing with you, Sara?” She looks in puzzlement as she is not sure Elaine can sing.

Dad insults me, “I don’t think she wants you bringing her down. You’re not even chorus material.”

That was enough, I slapped down my napkin and fork. “Excuse me.” I stand up to leave and Dad yells at me to sit back down. It wasn't the first time Dad scared me in a new way. I wasn’t certain, but now I felt threatened.

Tuesday, I was back to school and other students had patted me on the back and said things that they often do to injured players. Their focus has definitely turned to Jack Rivers. It was what I wanted yet it hurts. I went to practice but Coach Higgins said, “Tomorrow I want you to suit up and get those ankles and wrists taped up. I want our opponent to think it is you who will be starting at QB. Your Dad is in agreement that the school’s doctor will sign that you’re ready to play this weekend.”

I spoke up saying, “You’re kidding me, aren’t you. Jack should be preparing to start. He needs to become a team leader. Not just a quarterback with a strong arm.”

Coach says, “That’s one thing I won’t miss; a quarterback trying to be a coach.”

“Sure, Jack won’t talk back, but until he runs the plays in a game you don’t know if he listened.”

The Coach said, “Be quiet and just watch. I know your ego is hurt. You should be more than happy with all the playing time that I gave you.”

Tuesday after practice I stop at Rhonda’s and the Adams family is happy to see that I was doing reasonably well. Rhonda asked, “How about I redo your nails and we’ll see if anyone notices the difference?” I soon had my socks off and her sister Jennifer helps take off the old polish. It was surprising how particular she's in getting the faintest trace of old polish off. I never concentrated on my toenails like that.

I am finally getting comfortable with another girl touching my feet and toes. Mrs. Adams says, “Once a girl sees what can be done, she gets excited to have them painted and cooperates much better. You, young woman, appear to be filled with joy seeing done what you've longed to see for so long.”

My phone buzzes and it’s from my Mom; there’s a message. “Your Dad and I are out until 9:00 tonight. You and your sister need to manage for yourselves in getting dinner.”

Rhonda sees my message and says, “I’ll see if you can stay and eat with us.”

“Thanks but no thanks. I should get home, Sara and I usually make sure we eat properly. This way I can also show off my nails without getting in trouble.” It is common that Sara and I get dinner for ourselves at least three nights a week.

Sara had to text me, “How about chicken baked with yogurt and spices? We have a choice of fresh vegetables and wild rice.” We’ve done the chicken like that and liked it, so I send a smiley face back with the message, "Coming home in ten minutes." Sara messages back, “I have an outfit if you want to change.”

Sara had found one of my outfits as well as the package of panties and a bra and sandals. She’s happy that I’m listening to her. She had a good practice for basketball including Jeff watching her. We both agree Jeff is good looking. I think he’s good for her.

He’s been a longtime friend and they’ve previously stayed away from dating each other. I ask, “What’s different now?”

She says, “We might be going to different colleges. It would be better to date each other before we choose to go in different directions. There’s another reason as well and it concerns you. Jeff told me, “Other guys might have trouble with your brother being so much like you.”

I say, “Is he hinting that he knows?”

Sara says, “It’s better than that. We talked and he said, ‘It looks like Bryce is coming out more as your sister. I thought you needed to know; I’m there for you, both of you.’” Sara put the chicken in the oven and then quickly gives me a big hug.

I already have on her outfit and it felt so much like a sister moment, but I was uncomfortable. Sara says, “I know it’s your choice and it has to have been hard. I want you to know you have my support and Jeff’s.”

She says, “You didn’t put any makeup on; if you want we can practice. I do like your nails. I hope you keep them for football practice.”

I say, “That’s my intention if I don’t back out.”

I did keep the nail polish on Wednesday when I went to practice. It was quite the experience as my ankles and wrists needed to be taped before I put on my football cleats. Tompkins the trainer joked with me, “I don’t think that will get you out of playing if Coach Higgins wants you to play.”

The Coach had me run a dozen or so plays, testing my ability to run, pass and hand off the ball. He said, “Get rid of the paint before the players help you do it.” It was a veiled threat that I didn’t take seriously. Two linemen said, “Don’t sweat it, we want your head in the game. You helped us get this far, you’re protected.” It meant more to hear that than Hanson and Briggs knew when they said it.

Thursday at school went well as some people knew I had practiced a little the day before. I didn’t say there was no chance I could play Friday night. I enjoyed people thinking kindly of me especially when a few bullies thought of tripping me in the hall. Max Sievers, another big lineman, came over and told them, “Get lost, and know if anything happens to Bryce you’re the first two to be held responsible!”

Jerry said, “Yea, what would you do? You wouldn’t want to get in trouble before a big game.”

I confess I enjoyed it; when Max said, “I won’t do anything to you, but I’m sure you will be crying like a sissy for you mommies by the time someone quits putting the hurt on you.”

Tiffany said, “We’ll make sure your girlfriends hear things that may or may not be true. But they’ll look at you differently.” I passed by Jerry and Dean and they made sure we didn’t bump.

Today, I practiced twice as much as yesterday. I was hurting more but I was given Tylenol 4 before they started taping me up. And the school doctor cleared me for contact, though I was held out of contact today. Coach Higgins assures me everything is for the illusion that I am healthy. He said, "Charlie Devers is actually the backup quarterback for tomorrow’s game."

All the work-out today had made my ankles and leg muscles sore.

I was glad but surprised to see Rhonda Adams there after practice, to give me a ride home. She said, “I was angry watching you practice. I know your Dad and Coach Higgins want it and you feel somehow obligated to the team. I could tell you were hurting as you run those plays. Tomorrow if they put you in the game, the opposition will not hold back the contact. If you’re in the game, they’d like nothing better than to hurt you more.”

I don’t want her worried so I emphasize, “You already know I’m not playing again this season. It is just a ploy of appearance. We’re going to win easily tomorrow. It shouldn’t even be an issue.”

Rhonda says, “Sometimes you’re too nice for your own good. Your father should be speaking up for you if you don’t.” She knows very well as I do there is little chance of my dad doing that. The school is all excited about the prospect of being in the state playoffs. It has been a long time since we’ve been playoff-worthy.

Practice on Thursday was even better for me, and Jack was doing well. I had no fear of being called on to play.

I couldn’t say things were as well at home. My dad had me go without supper unless I removed the nail polish. Mom had made spaghetti with all the trimmings, the way I like it. It was not easy to pass up supper.

It was about an hour later my sister brought in a Tupperware covered plate with a good helping of spaghetti, sauce, two meatballs and two pieces of garlic bread. I gave her a big hug and thanks. She purposely waited that long knowing one of my parents would check on me. My Dad had in fact, had my mom check on me and he had done it again ten minutes later.

I had trouble concentrating on my homework until I ran through our football plays in my mind. Coach Higgins had incorporated three more pass plays and I wrestled with how they could work for me if I went into the game. This week should be easy enough to win to clinch a spot in the state playoff games, our opponent was not that good.

I didn’t remember when I fell asleep, only that I got my homework was done. But I wasn’t sure why the playbook was back next to me when I woke up in the morning?

Friday morning, when we get to school the cheerleaders and pep club had decorated the lockers of junior and senior football players. Karen Hart one of the junior students and a cheerleader had a jersey with my number on it. During the pep rally she even came over and gave me a big hug and kiss but what she said had me wondering. “If you get in, show them that we can play with the big boys.” Later she told me, “My young cousin, Pam Hart has a crush on you.” Under her breath, she said, “And so do I.” I had wished she said it the other way around, but I’m tickled somehow hoping she’s saying it to Elaine.

I am glad the two tests scheduled for today were postponed until next week. I had studied for them but was having too much trouble concentrating. The rumor was if we won the football players would get automatic B's, if not A's.

It, being a home game, made things even a little more in our favor.

It became noticeable early in the game Jack Rivers was out to show how good he is. The team didn’t mind but thought he should help get us the lead first. We were yet in the first quarter when Jack threw the ball and it was intercepted by the Panthers. Luckily we kept them from scoring a touchdown, but they did score a field goal.

It was in the second quarter when Jack threw his second interception and this time the Parker Panthers were able to run fifty yards for the touchdown.

After that our defense began to play poorly. Except for one breakaway reverse sweep by Maynard our offense had played poorly. After Maynard’s score, Coach Higgins had our team go for two points, but we were unsuccessful.

We should have gotten to half-time only losing by four points, but Jack Rivers decided to pass the ball one more time. He was almost tackled for a loss when he threw the ball in desperation. It was five yards short of reaching Maynard but well within the grasp of their defender. We were then behind 6-17 come half time.

Jack Rivers, Maynard Hart, and Johnny James all began to play well in the second half and we were able to score and get the game back close again. The defense also rose to the occasion and was stopping the Panthers from scoring again.

It was late in the third quarter when our team ran the sweep left and Jack decided to keep the ball instead of tossing it to Johnny. Johnny might not have gained much on the play, but he was better than Jack at holding onto the ball. If the Panthers getting the fumble was not enough; Jack was still on the ground after the play was over, acting hurt.

The last of the third quarter and the first minutes of the last quarter were used up by the Panthers to widen their lead to 13-24.

A trainer had brought over my shoulder pads but I told him, “Chuck Devers is the quarterback you want.” I refused to put on the shoulder pads. They always hurt my chest.

Little Pam Hart was delighting the fans in the stands near the cheerleaders. I’m told she was yelling for me to be the quarterback. Karen Hart lifted her from the stands, to be cheering with the cheerleaders. No sooner she was set down on the ground and Pam came running for me and wrapped her arms around me. “You need to, you need to play for us!” She kept yelling and trying to convince me. Finally, Karen came over and lifted her away saying to me, “You know she’s right, why aren’t you willing to play. My brother wants so much to play in a playoff game. His dream could die one game short.”

I couldn’t believe that I tried to bargain with Karen, “If I play, are you willing to go out with me?”

She says, “If you listened to Jennifer Adams, you would know I already would like that. But don’t try to out-macho Jack. Play your game.”

I thought of Karen’s statement earlier in the day, ‘Show them what a girl can do?’ Did she know my identity through Jennifer? It didn’t matter, I could find that out later. I took off my game jersey long enough to put on my shoulder pads. Karen helped me adjust and tie the laces. I was ready to go in after we received the kick-off but we were only able to return it to our fifteen-yard line.

The first play was a short quick pass that picked up nine yards. With a fake to the fullback, I quickly pitched it to Johnny. We caught them expecting us to go just for the first down. Instead, Johnny was able to pick up thirty-four yards. Five plays later we were at their two-yard line ready to score. However, in two plays we had lost a yard. I had tried throwing to Maynard but he and Hadley were both tightly covered. The pass to Maynard was knocked out of his hands.

Down to our last down or lose the ball. Again Maynard and Hadley were both covered tightly. I threw the ball to Drew Turner who caught it. You could see Panther players mouthing the words, ‘Drew Turner’. True enough, this was just his second catch all season. We don’t throw to Drew because he never makes added yardage after catching the ball. Tonight he didn’t need him to gain more, he was already in the end zone. We were now only behind by the score of 20-24.

With barely five minutes on the play clock, we needed to stop the Panthers and then score a touchdown.

They were able to make a first down but then were stopped. Now with not quite three minutes, we had to return a punt and then score a touchdown. A field goal would not be enough. Hadley had dropped one pass and Maynard had gained nine yards. I handed the ball off to Johnny on the next play but he was tackled for a yard loss.

We were down to our last down if we did not make the first down. Coach made a crazy call. It would be amazing if it worked but it looks like the worst possible play when it doesn’t. We immediately called the play and I handed the ball to Johnny again and everyone was blocking for him. But in truth, I hadn’t given him the ball. It's called ‘a naked bootleg’. Because with no one blocking for me, I need to hide the ball and run the other way. Instead of them sweeping right, I am running left carrying the ball, out of sight, behind my left leg. For a player who is not supposed to be taking any hits, it is a surprise that I’m carrying it.

I need to gain two yards to the 34-yard line. We fooled everyone except one player. He is a distance away and it is a race for me to gain the needed yardage. I waited until their defender was ready to crash into me for a tackle, and I stopped. He reached for me with his hands but his momentum carried him past me. I now had an open field and was running down the field. Two of their faster players were racing to catch me. With five yards to the goal line, Travis Watkins tried to tackle me but instead grabbed my shoulder and was on top of me as I struggled forward. My left ankle gave way and I hit the ground short of the goal line.

Truthfully it was better we did not quickly score. Two plays later when we scored the touchdown, time was close to running out. We had taken a timeout and I convinced Coach Higgin to allow Maynard to line up as our running back. The ball was hiked, I handed it to Maynard and he dove high over our lineman and knocked their defenders backward as they tried to tackle him. He scored the winning touchdown. We won 27-24.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I sustained a severe ankle injury, a possible hairline fracture. I would be out for the playoffs. The good news was our team did make it into the playoffs for the first time in years.

It was a cold fall night so as quickly as the game was over, the cheerleaders had their sweaters over the regular cheerleaders' outfit. If I hadn’t been hobbled by the injury, I was sure Karen would have jumped into my arms. But I had a surprise for her and everyone else. I threw off my football jersey and with a little effort struggled out of my shoulder pads.

“Karen, can I please wear your sweater?” Without hesitation, she slipped off her sweater and helped me to put it on. It wasn’t as bad of a fit as people would regularly expect to go from a cheerleader to a football player. Karen put on my sweaty game jersey, which because of the shoulder pads was noticeably bigger.

I was able to lift little Pam into my arms and receive her big hug. Next was a hug from Karen and two other cheerleaders. Rhonda was soon there, saying, “Way to go girl! I see you’re wearing our colors!” One girl at least was surprised. We then moved over to celebrate with the football team and other fans.

Finally, my Dad yells over at me; “You should be celebrating with your team. Damn boy, you’re a football player and the game’s hero!”

I say, “Daddy, I was a hero for you; you enjoy the limelight!”

Finally, a reporter and a cameraman caught up to me. “Hey Bryce, congratulations on the victory! You’ve surprised them all season long; a small powerhouse playing such a big role. How does it feel to do it again?”

“I am happy we made it to the state playoffs, but this will probably be my last game. Young Pam here was the one who encouraged me to go and give it my all.”

My Dad asks, “Why are you out of your football jersey For Pete’s sake get out of that sweater. Put your shoulder pads and get your jersey back on!”

“Daddy, the shoulder pads hurt my boobs; I’d rather put on a bra.” My father slaps the back of my head. “Thanks, Dad, you settled it, never again. This girl helped win this game, is that what you want me to say?”

My Dad was now in my face, red and angry. “Come to your senses and don’t you ever disrespect me again! Do you hear me! …Do you hear me?”

I shivered at his anger but regained my composure. It was now with Elaine’s full voice, I spoke up, “Dad you raised up a girl strong and determined enough to help our football team. Are you proud! …Are you proud of me, Daddy?”

My father was now so mad at me, he knew he needed to get away from me before he hit me in public. Rhonda pulls me away and says, “Let’s go celebrate.”

I wrapped my arms around Rhonda and Karen, “I guess, I’m me. Am I welcome to celebrate with you girls?”

Karen looks to Rhonda, “I won’t mind if you want to be with her.”

Rhonda smiles, grabbing Karen’s hand, “This girlfriend is more like a sister, Elaine’s wearing your varsity sweater not mine. It would be good tonight just to celebrate quietly.”

To be continued…