We Who Are About To Lunch

We Who Are About To Lunch

by Erin Halfelven

"I'll have the salmon."

"Too much mercury."

"That's tuna, salmon is okay."

"You sure?"


"I'll have the caesar."

"Fruit plate."

"Darla, what are you having?"

"Veal. Just kidding. You should've seen your face."

"Not funny. I'll have -- baked chicken breast."

"Why are we here?"

"To eat lunch, Kell."

"No, I mean, Susan asked us to come."

"What's it all about, Susie?"

"I'm getting married."


"That's fantastic."

"Good job, Susie."

"Who's off the market now?"

"You don't know him, Andi. I don't think any of you know him."

"Andi knows everybody."

"Biblically, no doubt."

"Oh, meow!"

"No, no, seriously. I met him in Washington, and none of you know him, he's British."

"Oh, I say!"

"Does he have a stiff -- upper lip?"

"Well, congratulations anyway. I mean...."

"I know what you mean, Kell. And thanks. But I asked you here -- because, well, you're my best friends -- and I need a favor."

"I won't wear orange for anyone."


"She means bridesmaids' dresses. We'd be happy to, Susie."

"But no orange."

"Well, thanks. And I was going to ask that, too. But first, I -- well, I need some advice."

"Tab A into slot B; that's you, Susie."

"Oh, look she blushes! Darla, you're terrible."

"I don't get it?"

"Never mind, Kell. No, look, there's something about me that I've never told him -- and I never told you guys either."

"You were a fourteen-year-old hooker in New Orleans?"

"Shut up, Darla. So -- you want to tell us then have us tell you how to tell him?"

"Thank you, Andi, yes, that's exactly right. And then, if you still want to, I'd like you all to be my bridesmaids."

"Why wouldn't we?"

"Okay, tell us."

"Are we allowed to tell anyone else?"

"It doesn't matter here any more, so I won't make you promise not to tell. But I do need help on how to tell him."

"So tell us, already."

"Well, I.... My name wasn't always Susan. When I was born, my parents named me Robert."

"You were a boy?"

"I couldn't tell."

"Fooled me here, too. You're so cute, Susan. Oh, my name used to be Thomas."

"Henry. I hated being Henry."

"I've always been Kelly. But I used to be able to pee standing up. Oh! Tab A, slot B, now I get it!"

"You guys are kidding, right?"

"Nope, we all used to be guys, for real, Susan. So what? You worried about telling what's-his-face? Just tell him."

"Like you told us. Either he's okay with it or he's not."

"Here comes the waiter. Wow. He's cute."

"Down, Kell."

"I've got a sudden yen for meat."

"Susie, you crying?"

"You guys are the greatest."

"But no orange."

"Ladies, what will you be having today?"

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This story is 472 words long.