'N Esmwyth Fel Yn Adfeilio Off Beic.
Gan: Angharad.
Pennod: 189.

Simon had showered and gone before I really came to. I didn't sleep that well and woke worying about Stella, Stevie and my own forthcoming ordeal. I was and wasn't scared of getting the plumbing job done, but I knew it wouldn't be that pleasant and dilation afterwards would literally be a pain.

I got myself showered and dressed, and went into the university. I called the hospital, Stella wouldn't be seen until later that morning and the decision to discharge her or not would be made later. I asked if they could phone me, I felt as if I was asking for something very unusual or difficult because of the sighing and humming and hawing at the other end. Eventually, the sister agreed. Wow!

I texted Stevie to remind him we had the appointment that afternoon and he replied, 'How can i forget it?'. I suppose that summed things up.

The morning flashed by, calls to other organisers of the survey and recruitment of more supervisors to run the survey volunteers. I had produced a protocol for the training of supervisors and volunteers, most of whom would be looking for all signs of mammals in their squares. They'd have two kilometre squares to survey, the hardest would be the inner city ones, although foxes and badgers turned up in many of them, the odd deer and of course rats and mice. Things like squirrels could happen if there were trees or parks, and they may need to do live trapping to see if voles or shrews appeared.

We had a grant to supply up to two thousand live traps. A plastic or metal box with a supply of food and water and a one way door. The only problem is if you get two animals which might fight or eat each other. Rats were one such possibility.

Pippa kept us topped up with coffee or tea as well as knocking out several letters and one report. She also answered the phone, one of which was for me.

"Hello, Cathy Watts Mammal Survey Coordinator, how can I help?"

"It's Sister Roberts, you can collect Lady Cameron after lunch providing there will be someone to look after her for a couple of days."

"I think we can arrange something," I said, meaning I'd have to do it.

"Okay then anytime after two."

"I have to take one of my students to an outpatient's appointment at three, so I'll call after that, if it's okay."

"Yes, fine."

Pippa got me a sandwich for lunch and I sat at my desk and ate it. I checked on how my dormouse counters were doing, and it seemed okay from the data they were collecting and they were enjoying it. Mind you, I used to myself, a forest at night is an amazing place providing there aren't any gun toting poachers around.

At just before half two, Stevie turned up looking as if he hadn't slept for a month.

"Are you okay?" I asked worrying if he'd already started losing his immune system.

"Yes, I just didn't sleep very well."

"For a week by the look of you," I smiled at him and I could see tears in his eyes.

"I am so fucking frightened I'm nearly pissing myself," he said and I saw a drop of water run from his eye.

I opened my arms to him and he fell into them and sobbed on my shoulder. I felt so sorry for him, whatever happened this afternoon, the next hour or so were going to be torture for him.

Once he'd regained his composure, we set off for the hospital. We drove in silence except for the CD player in my car playing a Madeleine Peyroux record. Stevie seemed to enjoy her bluesy-jazz and relaxed a little. (Well it was either that or Abba - no contest).

I managed to park reasonably easily, though at a fiver for two hours, thought it was a rip off. I walked into the waiting room with Stevie and he asked me to book him in as he rushed to the toilet. I did and waited for him. He was some little time coming out, he'd been sick and had also had the squits. I hoped it was just nerves because the way he was going, he'd be dead in three months.

He was called and he went off like someone going to their execution. It was cruel to watch. I sat there worrying, if he was positive would it be a good idea to have him in the car with Stella, two traumatised individuals in one car - not a good idea, but I seemed stuck with it.

I sat, stood and walked about and still he didn't show. "Miss Watts," called the same voice which had summoned Stevie.

I walked towards the woman who was calling me, "Is everything alright?" I asked.

"No," she hissed and took me into a separate room.

"What's the problem?" I asked quietly.

"I'm going to admit your friend."

"What?" I gasped.

"You know why he's here?"

"Yes once he confided in me, I made him come here."

"How is he?"

"Not at all well, mainly dehydrated. He's also very depressed and distressed."

"Not particularly surprising given what he's been through for two weeks. So that's it then?"

"Yes someone is coming over to take him to the wards."

"I'll let the university know he won't be in for a few days." I offered.

"Yes," she gave me a very strange look.

"Longer?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"Look I know you can't tell me anything, but is there anyone he wants me to notify that he's ill?"

"I'll go and ask him, please wait here." She disappeared through a connecting door. Moments later she called me in.

He was crying and when he saw me, he threw himself into my arms and wept bitterly. "I'm going to die," he said and I sobbed with him.

It took me several minutes to get myself together, how can these things happen? He was only a kid. "Is there anything I can do?" I asked.

"Come to my funeral."

"Stevie, come on you could live for years yet, with the retroviral drugs and all."

"I lied to you Cathy, this was my second relationship. The first one was three years ago. I've got AIDS, have had for a year or more."

"So did you give it to that sailor?"

"Nah, we used protection. I just needed to tell someone and you were so kind to me and I thought you'd understand better than most. The drugs aren't helping anymore and I have something on my liver, probably a sarcoma."

"Jesus Stevie, why didn't you get help?" I wanted to hug him and hit him at the same time. "Why didn't you tell someone?"

"Can you tell them at college that I won't be coming back."

"Look, you have to keep fighting, new drugs appear every day." I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince.

"I'm tired of fighting, tired of everything especially being a fucking queer. Why couldn't I have been a normal man with a wife and one point eight kids, working in an office?"

"I don't know Stevie, I'm probably the last person you should ask."

"I dunno Cathy, you seem to have life sussed pretty good, a career and a partner."

"And a disabled father, plus inlaws like the Addams Family."

He laughed for a moment.

"I have to go, I have to collect someone from one of the wards as well today. Pity you're not coming you could have met my crazy sister in law to be." He laughed at my description of Stella.

We hugged again. "Is there anyone you want me tell you're in hospital?" I asked.

"My family don't know."

"Oh." I waited for further information.

"We have someone who could speak to them at the hospital," said the nurse counsellor.

"That may be best," I agreed trying to sidestep the awful task.

"They don't know me, you do, will you do it?"

"What do want to me to tell them?" I asked wishing I was anywhere but here at this moment. Then realised what a privilege it was he was passing to me.

"The truth. My dad's homophobic so I could never tell them."

"What makes you think I can?"

"Because you're a beautiful woman and people believe you, you have a way with people. I trusted you as soon as I met you and you also read me like a book."

"Did I? If I did I must have missed half the pages, Jesus Stevie, what a Godawful mess!"

"Yeah." He hugged me and cried some more on me. The porter arrived to take him to the ward. "Come and see me, you're like my big sister."

"Of course I'll come and see you." I said as he was pushed off in the wheelchair.

I was left dabbing my face with a tissue and even the nurse counsellor had wet eyes.

"How bad is he? I mean how sick is he?" I asked not really wanting to know the answer.

"About as bad as it gets, he has a fast growing tumour according to his notes."

"You mean you didn't know?"

"We go on what people tell us and our own tests and observations. Two weeks ago he looked much better, but his bloods showed there was lots wrong. We tried to call him to come earlier, but he didn't answer. We wrote to him and he wrote back saying he'd keep this appointment. When I asked him why, he said it was because you would be with him.

I don't know what your relationship is with him, but he thinks a great deal of you."

"I'm his tutor at university. That's all. I only met him a two or three weeks ago."

"Well Miss Watts, he's given you an unenviable task. If you like I could try and get someone to go with you."

"Where do his parent's live?" I asked.

"In Bristol." I nearly fell over.

She gave me the address and I knew it well, I have cycled past there dozens of times. "Okay, I know where this is, I used to live in Bristol, my father still does."

She handed me a card, "If you need help, give me a call."

I thanked her and wandered in a daze to find Stella, then get her down to the door before I got the car. Pick up points were very limited and seemed to have hospital car service vehicles or ambulances parked in most of them. The fresh air felt good I was still alive, I had to hang on to that fact. I was still alive.