CHAPTER 49 -- Over and Out

Eric was at church the next day, but didn't try to talk to me until after the service. He told my uncle he'd drive me home and then he led me into a corner of the library.

"I'm sorry I said all that stuff. It was really uncalled for." He sounded kind of stiff, like he was reading a script. He didn't really look at me.

I wanted to say, "it's okay," but I couldn't make myself do it. Actually, it's not that I wanted to, it was more that I thought I ought to.

After a few really awkward minutes, he asked, "were you serious about what you said last night? Saying you used to be -- a guy? You're not just messing with me?"

I shrugged. "I know it sounds weird, but it's true."

He looked like he was struggling with something. "I don't get it. What is that all about? I mean if you did somehow, like, change, what happened? You said some stuff last night, but I didn't really take it all in."

I took a deep breath. "A year, well, a year and a half ago, I tried driving my brother's motorcycle --"

"You know how to drive a motorcycle?" he interrupted.

"Well, no, that was the problem. I kind of wrecked the motorcycle and almost killed myself. I don't actually remember. I got a real bad concussion, they thought I'd die or at least have brain damage. They took me down to the University hospital for this experimental gene-therapy treatment. Only they were also doing some experimental sex-change treatment on someone and they mixed us up."

I expected Eric to interrupt, but he was just staring at me. A little like last night. "Nobody noticed until a few months later, when my parents took me to the doctor to find out why my body was, well, changing. They started investigating and finally figured out what had happened, but it was way too late.

"Anyway, the kids at West High were making my life hell. I started feeling like I'd rather be dead. My parents finally took me out and my aunt and uncle arranged for me to go to Gabriel. I decided to start living as a girl then. And here I am!" I tried to sound upbeat and chipper. He was just staring at me. I waited.

"Do you think there's any chance we can still be, well, friends, at least?" I was still hoping we could somehow patch things up.

"I don't know. I gotta figure out if I'm okay with it."

"Okay with what?"

"With you being, uh, trans-, you know, a boy turned into a girl. It's -- well, it's not right. Guys are supposed to be guys. Girls are supposed to be girls."

"It's not like I can do anything about it, about what I am."

"I guess not. I still don't know if I'm okay with it."

I couldn't help asking. "And if you're not okay with it?"

He didn't say anything, but the way he looked at me, it was like I wasn't human. I felt a cold hole in my stomach. We sat in silence for a few more minutes.

"Guess I gotta go. I promised you a ride home, you coming?"

"No, I need some time to think." He didn't seem too heartbroken. Me, I couldn't imagine sitting next to him for the 15 minutes or so it would take to get home. I wandered in the direction of the sanctuary. Once I was safely out of Eric's sight, I tried calling my uncle, but there was no answer. Probably still on the road.

Eric's words rattled around in my brain: "I don't know if I'm okay with it." They felt like a knife in my gut, but I couldn't put my finger on why. I was still standing around in the hall when Reverend Jen came out of a room. Her office, I guess.

"What's wrong?" My face must have been showing how I felt.

I tried to put some words together, but nothing came out. She put her arms around me and I put my arms around her like a little kid and just started bawling. She didn't say anything, just held me and acted like this was something that happened every day. After a little bit, she led me back into her office and onto a little couch. I leaned on her shoulder and cried some more while she stroked my head and shoulders. I noticed she left the door open, maybe so no one would think anything funny was going on.

"Do you want to tell me?" she asked after I had mostly stopped crying.

"I don't know if you know, but, uh, I used to be a boy." I was almost getting used to saying it.

"I know, Teresa told me back when you moved in with her. I didn't say anything because I thought it was for you to decide when you wanted to talk about it."

"Anyway, Eric and I were boyfriend and girlfriend, but last night, when we were, you know, messing around, I let it slip that I used to be a boy and he flipped out. I thought he was going to kill me. I ran out and tried to walk home and almost froze to death before he found me and brought me home." TMI, I thought.

"Anyway, we talked today and he said, I don't know if I'm okay with you being a girl who used to be a boy. And he looked at me like, I don't know, like I was a stranger. I felt so hurt, like he stuck a knife in me. I don't know why."

"Do you love him?"

At first I didn't know what to say. I'd never thought about "love."

"I like him. I like it when he holds me and caresses me and all. I don't know about love. But I do want to be close to him and I want him to want me. At least, I did."

"It must be pretty awful when someone you care about says they don't accept who you are. It's like they get to decide whether it's okay for you to be what you don't have any choice about being."

"Yeah, it's like he still kinda thinks I'm a freak. That's one of the nicer things they called me at West High. But, oh God, it still hurts." I leaned against her again. I cried silent tears onto her sweater until they wouldn't come any more. She called my aunt and uncle and they came and picked me up. When we got home, I told my aunt the same story I told Reverend Jen, but I had the feeling maybe she guessed I'd been doing more than just "messing around." I spent the afternoon on my bed feeling miserable. Teresa came over every now and then to give me a hug, or as much of one as you can give someone lying face down on a bed feeling sorry for herself.

That evening, when we got to youth group, I told Reverend Jen I might need more than the usual amount of time at check-in and she just nodded. Eric showed up, but looked sort of uncomfortable and sat on the other side of the room. I didn't know if that was because he felt bad about how he'd treated me or if he was bothered being so close to a tranny she-male. I told myself I didn't care, but I did.

Before I knew it, it was my turn to talk. It took me what seemed like hours before I could find my voice.

"Guys, there's something I need to tell you all." I saw Teresa stare at me, looking concerned. "I look like a girl now, I even feel like a girl, but I used to be a boy. A year or so ago, I got a bad concussion and was in University Hospital. I was supposed to get this experimental concussion treatment from their gene therapy lab, but they got me mixed up with someone who wanted their experimental sex-change treatment." How many times was I going to have to tell this stupid story? Every time I told it, I felt more like a moron. Pretty soon I won't have any brain cells left.

"I started gradually turning into a girl. My, ah, you know, genitals started shrinking and turning into girl's ones and I started growing breasts. I tried to hide it, but pretty soon everyone could tell I had a girl's body. The kids at West High -- you all know how bad they can be. They were worse. About when I thought I'd rather be dead than spend another day there, Teresa's mom and dad agreed to take me in and try to get me into Gabriel School, where they don't let kids pick on each other. I decided that since I looked like a girl and not anything like a boy, I'd just start living as a girl.

"Maybe I should have told you all in the beginning, but, honestly, I just wanted not to have to think about it any more. Well, now I've told you. If you all decide you don't want a tranny freak in your group" -- Reverend Jen winced when I said this -- "just let me know and I'll leave."

I was sitting between Amy and a Greenwood girl and they both told me, "no, we want you to stay" and "you're not a freak." They both tried to hug me at the same time, which didn't really work, but I appreciated it anyway. I heard other voices saying the same thing. I couldn't help looking at Eric. I think he looked a little ashamed, even though I hadn't said anything about him. "Good," I thought.

Reverend Jen stepped in before anyone else could say anything.

"Melanie, is there anything you want from us? What would you like?"

I don't know where the words came from, but I heard myself wailing, "I just want to be normal! I want to feel normal! I'm tired of being a freak!" Not really an answer.

Nobody said anything for a while. Then one of the boys said, "can we ask you some questions?" Reverend Jen looked like she was going to say no, but I just shrugged and said, "might as well get it over with."

"Are you like a real girl all the way? I mean, even under your clothes?" I heard some groans and some people say, "come on!" I answered anyway.

"I'm not an expert on how girls look naked, but as far as I know, I look like any other girl. I don't have a dick. I can't have a baby, but otherwise, I've got all the girl equipment." They want TMI, I'll give 'em TMI. "Oh, and the breasts are real, too. No boob job." Periods, too, I thought but didn't say.

"Did you have any trouble with which bathroom to use?" somebody else asked.

"Only at West High. The girls made a fuss so I couldn't use their bathroom and the guys -- well you can guess what they did when I used the boy's bathroom."

"Was it hard to get used to wearing girl clothes and doing girl stuff?" That was a guy asking.

"It was weird at first, but I got used to it. Now I kind of like it."

It went on like this for a while, then Reverend Jen said it was getting time to order dinner and did we want to continue check-in or break. They voted for break. When we got up, a lot of the girls came by to hug me and tell me they wanted me there. Some told me how brave I was, which I didn't really understand. What choice did I have? Most of the boys told me they wanted me to stay, too. Some made a point of saying that, as far as they were concerned, I was a girl and my past didn't matter. Some even told me they thought I was cute or sexy. Eric didn't say anything. Some people gave him funny looks, but nobody said anything about how the guy who was practically joined at the hip with me for months was suddenly acting like I didn't exist. Fine with me, though.

As we were getting ready to go home, Eric came over and said, "you know, you didn't have to tell them."

I cut him off. "What's it to you? You're don't even think I have a right to exist." He tried to answer, but I just walked out. My uncle was there, so I could get right into the car without listening to whatever Eric had to say.