Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery

Cruise Diary – Day 6

It was barely light when I woke up the next morning. From bed I reached out and grabbed the remote and switched on the TV. Flicking through the channels I looked for BBC News hoping there might be something about Dad. Nothing just the usual stuff employment problems issues with the economy stuff that probably should have interested me but didn’t.

I had hoped that given last night I had probably consumed more alcohol than was normal for me, that I would sleep a bit longer but call it excitement call it nerves about the day ahead I was wide awake and craving a cigarette. I slipped out of bed and checked my hair in the mirror, not too bad a few strokes from a hairbrush twist it into a ponytail and it looked ok. I pulled a tee shirt from the dresser and a pair of fresh shorts dressing quickly I slipped on some flat sandals and picking up my purse and cigarettes I slipped out of the cabin.

The deck was literally deserted a few crew staff making their way to their place of work for the day a couple of passengers I recognised heading towards the gym for their morning exercise. I found a smoking area and sat down pulling out a cigarette I lit it and coughed a little not the best way to start the day and not the way I usually would, but today I needed a hit to get me underway. Relaxing back I looked across at Barcelona where I would be spending the day.

Was it fear, was it excitement that was running though my veins this morning you decide. I was about to probably do something I never thought possible in the past. A date with a guy as Tracey, ok I had Mhari there as back up to keep me safe, my shield in case anything untoward went on, but it was still a big thing. I took a final draw from the cigarette and crushed it out. I couldn’t be bothered meeting up with Mom or Avril this morning from breakfast beside they were probably still sleeping of last night hangover and Mom had seemed in a funny mood last night. So I headed over to one of the breakfast bars deciding just to buy a couple of thing’s for breakfast. A few minutes later I was headed back to the safety of my cabin with some fresh fruit, cereal and fruit juice to prepare for the day ahead.

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Time seemed to drag that morning but eventually it was tie to head off butterfly’s were performing high speed aerobatics’ in my stomach, or so it felt as I left the cabin. I had spent ages getting ready chopping and changing my mind on what I was going to wear, all the signs pointed to an excited girl on a date so I guess I was fitting the role well. Eventually after ages on my make-up I wore a white linen skirt not too tight or short but above the knee anyway, a cream camisole top with spaghetti straps and a white tie front shirt over it. To finish of the outfit I had a brown pleated belt and sandals I had worn before with ties that twisted up each leg to knee height. I got to the meeting point early and after the obligatory nervous cigarette I searched in my bag for some breath mints and after a liberal spray of perfume I awaited Mhari’s arrival.
“Hi stranger, missed you this morning” Mhari announced on her arrival.

“I gave it a miss this morning” I said taking a hold of her arm as we began to descend to the shore.

“You looking forward to the day” she asked as we walked to the port exit.

“I am but I’m glad that you are here for back up” I said.

“It will be fine and you look great by the way so let’s have fun” she said as she hailed flagged down a taxi.

Within five minutes we were walking towards the bar that Chris had agreed to meet me at. We walked inside I scanned the bar looking for him spotting him at a table by the side I waved.

“I’ll get us a drink, what do you want” Mhari asked.

“Just a coke” I said turning and heading towards Chris.

He got up and took my hand leaning forward he kissed my cheek.

“Hi Princess, did you find the place ok”

“No problem, look I hope you don’t mind Mhari coming along with us” I asked gesturing towards the bar.

I could see a slight look of disappointment in his face.

“Eh, no that’s fine, grab a seat” he said.

I slid into the table as Mhari came back.

We chatted away for about half an hour before Chris suggested we get the City Tour.

“The tour is good you can get off where you want then get back on, the coach leaves from just the other side of the dock from here”.

We both nodded our agreement and the three of us left the bar walking in a line to the departure point. Ten minutes later we were on the bus upstairs Chris sat by my side Mhari in front his arm along the back of the seat behind me as we pulled away from Port Olimpic.

We followed a route along the sandy seafront of Barcelona before heading in to the new technology area of the site with impressive new building’s. We passed historic buildings before we came to an urban park. From there it was back into the city and more historic architecture before we headed towards Catlunya Square. Chris suggested we got off there and take a walk down Las Ramblas before continuing the tour. We had been on route for about 40 minutes and it was getting close to noon. Chris suggested some lunch so we found a small café overlooking the square and sat admiring the buz and energy of the city. We ate a light lunch then headed down Las Ramblas, Chris took my hand Mahri immediately noticed it and I could see her raise her eyebrows as we walked along.

I was entranced by the sights and sounds of Las Ramblas, the stalls the street entertainers the beauty of the tree lined street all adding to the thrill of my day. I was aware Mhari had taken a few steps back and was very much just following us letting Chris and me lead the way hand in hand in fact to some observers she might not have even been with us. It was only as we stopped and paused to look at a stall or entertainer that the three of us were really together.

We both bought a couple of little items off a jewellery stall Mahri investing in a pair of cute earring’s while I bought a nice little bangle, Chris being the gentleman offered to pay for both but we declined as we made our way back up the street to the square.

The day was heating up back at Catlunya Square once more; Chris spotted a McDonalds and announced he was off to pick us up some drinks. Me and Mhari sat on the edge of a fountain. I opened my bag and took out my cigarettes.

“Can I have one as well” Mhari asked.

“Sure” I said offering her the open pack.

We lit up and sat waiting for Chris.

“So has your day been good so far” she asked.

“Yeah I’ve enjoyed it but I’m glad you are here for support” I added.

“He does like you” she said as she took a drag from her cigarette.

“Yeah I know but I would be willing to bet that he’s done all this before, another cruise another girl I’m not silly enough to think that there is anything special between us,” as I flicked some ash from the tip of my cigarette.

“Would you like it to go somewhere,” she asked.

“Well even if I did I can’t can I, I mean you know the truth, it’s just an experience that I never ever dreamed I would have, all those day’s dressing at home I could never have imagined to have been in a situation like this sitting here with you and on a type of date with a man,” slipping the cigarette between my lips I inhaled deeply.

“So what’s the future for Tracey” she asked.

“Who knows, in a couple of day’s I will be back home and all this will be over and it’s back to normal Michael.” I said taking a last draw of the cigarette I stood and stubbed it out on a bin.

“Hey you two grab a drink and let’s get over to the stop the bus will be here soon”

Chris had returned with three large cokes, we all grabbed one and headed over to the stop to begin our tour again.

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Chris explained that the tour was two separate routes an east and west tour we would skip on to the other route now and see some other parts of the city. Upstairs the seating arrangement was the same Mhari in front me and Chris behind her.

We set off past Barcelona’s own version of the Arc De Triomf the tour guide announcing each site as we passed it the city zoo, a botanical garden, the Olympic Stadium, the main Railway station the tour went on.

“The Nou Camp” is next” Chris announced, “You girl’s into football want to get off and have a look around”

Now normally I would be the first down the stairs for the bit Tracey was different in fact it was Mhari that was out of her seat first and heading towards the stairs.

“Ok let’s go then babe” I said taking Chris’s hand we stood up and started towards the front of the bus. I could see the impressive huge stadium looming up in front of us. Mhari was just visible her head just disappearing down the stairs.

Suddenly there was a crash and a sudden squealing of pain.

“Mhari” I called.

“Here hold this Princess” Chris said handing me the remnants of his coke he moved quickly forward.

I reached the top of the stairs just behind him below I could see Mhari in a heap a tour guide already with her holding her hand.

“My leg” she said a grimace of pain on her face.

The bus had stopped and by now several passengers were crowded around the scene as I edged down the stairs. Gingerly someone helped her to her feet Chris supporting her back as she got up. She was helped from the bus I could see some blood coming from a slight gash on her arm. A Tour Guide and Chris guided her to a seat outside a café. Chris went inside as I got there.

“What happened” I asked.

“My heel just got caught in my skirt, and down I went” she said as she grimaced in some pain.

“I twisted my knee I think” she said as Chris came back with a large glass of water.

“Here drink this” he said putting it in front of her while he went to speak to the driver and Guide who were by the bus. Chris was speaking to them in a mixture of some English and some Spanish. Soon he came back over.

“Mhari they just want to know if you feel it was there fault if you are going to make any claim or not” he asked.

“No Chris it was just an accident it could have happened to any one” she said.

“Ok well they need to move on, but you need that leg checked out and that cut on your arm.”
“It’s not deep” she said.

“Fine do you want to go to a local hospital or just back to the ship and let the medical staff on board look at you?”

“Just back to the ship” she said.

“Right well I’ll just let them know and then I’ll get a taxi to take us back”

He walked back to the bus, soon it was gone and Chris was looking for a taxi to take us back. We both helped Mhari into the cab and then set off through the crowded streets back towards the port.

In less than 15 minutes we were on the stretch of road leading up to the entrance to the port.

Chris spoke to the driver in Spanish and he began to slow to a stop.

He turned to me “Look I need to get off you know what they are like about passengers and crew,” he said I nodded.

“When you get to the ship there will be someone at the gangway, just let them know about Mahri and they will bet a wheelchair to take her on board, ok” he said.

I nodded.

“Sorry it had to end like this Mhari” said.

“Not your fault, I had a great day girls and I’ll catch up with you on board Princess” he said as he opened the door and stepped out, handing the driver a few notes he gave him instructions and we moved off towards the ship.

Less than an hour later I had left the medical centre, Mhari had been seen by the doctor her knee strapped up and her cut cleaned and bandaged, she felt sore all over which the doctor had put down to the trauma of the fall and some shock. They had tried to reach her mum but she was onshore so they had told her to try and have a sleep. I stayed with her but she soon insisted that I just go back to my cabin and I could come and see her later so after some persuasion I left her and headed back along the deck.

Back in the cabin I dropped my bag on the bed and went to make myself a coffee. Passing the mirror I noticed blood all over the sleeve of my shirt which probably accounted for a couple of the strange looks I was getting walking along the deck. I pulled it off and filled the small sink with some water before immersing it in the sink to try and let it seep out of the fabric. I poured the coffee and opened a small milk
Portion and emptied it in, picking up the TV remote I switched it on and looked for the news channel. Stirring my coffee I settled back to watch some TV.

It was about ten minutes in, suddenly it was there a small news ticker at the base of the screen it read,

“Missing girls found alive in Scotland”

I sat bolt upright nearly spilling the remains of my coffee over myself, Dad’s case it had to be they had found them, the TV now had my undivided attention.
Two minutes later we had a news reporter on screen, what looked like a deserted Farmhouse fields all around, police officers car’s van’s all in the background activity going on behind. The reporter gave details of the discovery of the girls just an hour or so ago. Recorded pictures flashed on the scene pictures of Dad one leading one of the dishevelled looking girls towards an ambulance just behind a blonde WPC was with the other heading to a another ambulance parked alongside. The pictures continued a paramedic and helps Dad load the girl into the ambulance he follows her in the door closes the ambulance moves off the other only a minute behind both heading past the film crew and away to a local hospital.

The reporter continues brief details girls held in a cellar, police to reveal more details shortly, news conference to be held this evening, two men and a woman arrested then back to the pictures some local pictures of where the farm was, about 40 minutes from our house by car I estimated. The pictures went on I was so excited so proud Dad had found them well maybe not just him but they had cracked the case found them alive. I wanted to call him but knew it would be pointless, I needed to tell Mom, I got up pulled my sandals back on and left the cabin.

I never knocked just opened the door was just about to blurt out my excitement, a noise came from inside I stopped, the noise again it was a moaning, I grabbed the door as it swung shut for some reason I did not want it to make a noise when it closed. I gently let it rest, I listened again the moaning getting a little louder and more persistent, it was a person definitely I edged forward a bit the noise continued I was just about past the little wall that blocked the view of the rest of the room. I noticed some clothes scattered on the floor by the porthole. I edged forward a bit more the noise continued. I edged my head forward a bit to get a view. I could see the bed Avril was naked lying with her head back and eyes closed in some form of ecstasy. I looked again a hand covered her breast kneaded at her nipples; the hand had long red nails. I closed my eyes opened again a head came up a bit, my hand shot in front of my mouth. It was the back of Mom’s heads her hair visible her head buried between Avril’s legs. Avril’s head was still arched back as Mom’s head bobbed up and down a bit. No it couldn’t be I edged backwards my heart beating about five times the rate it should my chest heaving struggling for breath I was going to faint or be sick one or the other I needed to get out of there and quick. Edging back to the door I gently pulled it open and stepped outside only then removing my hand from the front of my mouth. I went back to my cabin, I needed my cigarettes.

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The thing I’d earned about a Cruise ship in the six or seven days I had been on it now was that nowhere are you alone which is exactly what I wanted to be just now. I remembered a small square just outside the docks when I had left with the ship Mhari. I headed there it was just the thing I needed a few offices business’s tour operators that type of thing all closed for the day and quiet. I sat down and lit a cigarette some tears ran down my cheeks. How could I have been so blind as to Mom and Avril, it all fitted now.

The boozy afternoon sessions, what had Avril been doing at our house that day she caught me dressed, then there was a night last Christmas, me and Dad playing “Call of Duty” on the PC, Mom out on her works Christmas night she called home late about 11, Dad answered explained Mom was staying at Avril’s too drunk to come home, god Avril only lived six streets away! The way Mom had been the night before when Avril was flirting with those guys, she had been jealous that was what her mood was all about, I should have seen it, even when Dad announced he could not come on holiday she had been so accepting of it, once upon a time she would have flipped her lid, like when a similar thing had happened when I was around 7 or 8 we were due to go to a caravan at a Holiday Park, Dad was just working his way up the force he had to call off Mom went ballistic it was the angriest I have ever seen her but this time nothing, how could I have been so blind?

I crushed out my cigarette and automatically lit another. How was I going to cope for the next three days we had tomorrow here again before sailing on, a day at sea and then dock on Tuesday when we left the ship. How could I look at them, interact with them knowing what I knew now. One thing was for certain I had to find a way to avoid them tonight because right now there was no way I could deal with it. I finished my second cigarette and went to look for a local store, I was in luck I soon found a 24/7 store and went inside, just what I needed I thought. I bought some more cigarettes a couple of snacks and two large bottles of white wine. With my purchases stacked away in a bag I headed back to the ship and to my cabin which would be my prison for the night.

Back aboard I made sure I locked the door, peeling of my skirt I pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms and curled up on the bed, I left the TV on but with the sound muted I watched the pictures in silence. I watched the re-runs of my Dad and new stuff trying to put together the story without the words, shots of the nearest town, shots of the farm where they had been held, and the same shots of their release that I had watched earlier. I had no idea how long I had been there when there was a knock at the door, then a gap then another, then Mom’s voice,

“Tracey are you in there it’s Mom”

I stayed silent; another knock then muffled conversation which I assumed was Mom and Avril then nothing the faint sound of them moving away from the door. I looked at my watch it was gone 7.30pm. I picked up the first bottle of wine and opened it. Taking a plastic glass from the bathroom I filled it and in one drink drained half the glass, pouring more in I settled on the bed in front of the TV. Less than two hours later Tracey was sound asleep and oblivious to the world.