We arrived in L.A. and dropped off Dr Dale. Matt headed back to school and I thought Dennis, Mikey and I were headed back to Monterey. However, Dennis informed me that I had a meeting with Dez, Katherine's agent Lorne Cullen and some studio execs before heading home.

I was delighted when Dennis told me the agent had arranged a replacement for Katherine's Boxter, and disheartened to learn that I couldn't drive it since Katherine's license was suspended. It was little matter, since the three of us would not fit in her little roadster, so Dennis rented us an Audi A5, and drove us to Dez's production offices.

When we arrived at the office, we were escorted to a large conference room where everyone else was already waiting. I don't know if it was their biggest most prestigious conference room, but it was so ridiculously large, I got the feeling they would have to call anything bigger 'a hall'.

Dez, Lorne the agent and 4 expensive suits were gathered around one end of the aircraft carrier sized conference table. I nodded as we entered and immediately seated myself at the far end.

This caused a stir of confusion at the other end of the room, so I immediately addressed the room, trying out some new Katherine-isms I had picked up on my recent audience with the genuine artifact.

“Apologies for any trouble I caused by abruptly leaving the European leg. And thank you SO much for the use of the G5. It was.....unpleasant.... for a while.... and while I'm feeling better... I'm still..... not myself.”

I caught Dez's crinkling eyes at that remark.

“I don't believe I'm contagious, and I want to thank my traveling companions for being intrepid enough to share a long flight in an enclosed space with a deathly ill person. Even though they remained in the cabin while I spent most of the flight in....” then I airily brushed my hand around “...nevermind. I'm back. I'm on the mend. But I'm really spent and possibly still contagious, so I'll stay down here at my end and ask you to make this as brief as possible.”

My little speech seemed to have worked, because everyone nodded and there were no cordialities. They got immediately to business. Then I wondered if there were ever any cordialities with Katherine, and if getting straight to business was just standard when dealing with her.

They talked about the impressive performance of 'Birds, and setting up a session for the original cast recording since there seemed to be a public demand for it. The studio representatives mentioned how they were negotiating with Dez for Thornbirds-2, and how my signing on to do it would make it much easier to gather the resources to green light it.

I looked at Dez and could see from his expression that he wasn't being courted by the studio, he was being pressured to do a sequel. I knew instantly that we both felt this was a mind bogglingly stupid idea. So I shot him a stonefaced 'Katherine look' and turned to face the suits.

“Let's not beat around the bush on this. I don't even need to think about it. Absolutely.”

I saw the expensive suits smile at each other triumphantly while Dez sank in his chair.

“....NOT!” I finished my sentence.

Their bewilderment and confusion was everything I hoped for. While Dez's wry grin seemed to say 'classic Keller – well done!'

I didn't stop there though.

“You've already harvested that field. Leave it be. It's used goods. Give people something fresh....”

They looked at each other nervously. These folks did not like 'fresh' ...so I threw them a bone.

“....Yet....familiar..... I don't know... like.... 'Desmond Lehmann presents: DUNE ...the musical!” and I mimicked Mikey's fanboy marquee pantomime.

I saw the suits all look at each other, processing this idea. While I could see Dez's shoulders shaking slightly from his not entirely suppressed mirth.

“I've always wanted to play a singing, dancing Bene Geserit ...and I don't know, maybe Justin Bieber as Paul Atriedes....” I threw in just to see how far I could push it until they caught my sarcasm.

“Intriguing!” Suit number one said as she looked to her colleagues, nodding.

“Got anything else?” said suit number two, who I immediately christened 'Gucci Ken' not for his slick attire but for his amazingly plasticine bronze skin and hair.

“What about taking a classic... a name everyone knows but most haven't seen... a legendary brand that's been idle too long and is due for a reboot....”

They were leaning into the table in my direction like hungry beasts straining for the feeding trough.

Again, with the hands and 'air marquee' “Desmond Lehmann's Metropolis'! Wiemar Germany meets Bollywood!” OK. This was met by blank stares. I think I lost them. Though I saw Dez slide down into his chair.... I think he was ready to have an Eoin-like laughing fit and was nearly ready to crawl under the conference table.

“OK. Too high concept? Just imagine.... city of the future towering to the sky... cast of thousands.... all CG of course.... dark troubled hero.... think Christian Bale.... hot sexy robot.... ” I did a little curtsey “like C3PO's hot sister.... only she sings and dances.... this is BIG.... HUGE.... it would have to be in 3D.... maybe IMAX.... think of the soundtrack.... think of the merchandising!”

I think I got them back on board, because I caught them glancing from one to the other, raising eyebrows and slowly growing smiles as they imagined the ways they could milk this cash cow.

Dez meanwhile was beet red, shooting me a look like 'you wicked girl... stop playing with your food and just devour them already.'

I just shot him my stonefaced Katherine look, which only made him grin wider.

One of the suits spoke up. “Speaking of merchandising... We know it wasn't covered in the original contract, but how do you feel about action figures?”

I looked straight at them and replied, totally deadpan. “I don't really have time to play with them.”

I caught Dez's snork. I found myself sorely tempted to try to do to him what I had become so fond of doing to Eoin, but this wasn't the time or the place, so I resisted, taking comfort in the fact that it would be so easy if I chose. He was already softened up. The best part is that the suits were utterly oblivious. As far as they were concerned, they were just dealing with the enigmatic and notoriously difficult Katherine Keller, so they ignored what they didn't understand and soldiered on.

“No. No. Not to own.... we want to release a collection of Thornbirds collectible action figures.”

“Do they dance?” I asked straighfaced. I had to pull it back or Dez was going to have a meltdown.

They looked at each other “No.... they don't.... why would they...”

“You said they were action figures. The dance sequences are about the only action in the film.”

“Um. No. Action figure is just the term. ...they're collectible figurines.”

“Like Hummels....”

Dez stood up quickly and excused himself.

I called after him.... “I hope you didn't catch anything from ME...”

And he began to double over as he quickly scurried down the hall. I surveyed the room. To my amazement, no one else seemed to pick up on what really just happened. The suits quickly regrouped.

“No. They're not porcelain figurines.... they're ...action figures....”

“..but they don't dance?”

“NO!” This was the first genuine reaction I got out of suit number one. One point for me.

“They're bendable.... posable.... plastic figurines!....”

“Like dolls?”

exasperated sigh “Yes! Exactly like dolls!”

“Oh. OK.”

Long pause. Lonnnng uncomfortable pause. I've become fond of thinking of these as 'Keller pauses'

Dez had regrouped and reentered the conference room during the pause. I think he instantly recognized what I was doing. Lorne the agent leaned over and asked if he was OK. Dez just waved him off and nodded.

“Alright....” exasperated suit number one finally broke the silence. “We're agreed.... they're bendable, pose-able DOLLS.... but they're collectible figurines because they're your characters from the movie.”

“I only played one character in the movie.”

“NO! There will be a series of figures based on all the characters in the movie. INCLUDING you....”

I nodded curtly.

“We just need you to sign an amendment to the original contract agreeing to the merchandising at a mutually agreeable compensation....”

“My character from the movie.”

“Yes.... we...”

“Will she come with any accessories.... like a sheep?”

“...what???...”

“My character grew up on a sheep ranch.... she should come with a sheep action figure...”

Dez shot me another look. I plowed on.

“I'm sorry. Bendable pose-able figurine.”

I caught his quivering from the corner of my eye.

“Sure. I suppose she could come with a sheep.”

“Pregnant?”

“What?”

“My figurine. Pregnant? I mean it is a crucial part of the movie.”

“I don't know...”

“Maybe you could make one of each. Double sales. Only the pregnant one should come with the sheep. Maybe the un-pregnant one should come with a bendable pose-able bastard baby.”

They just looked at me incredulously, and I could see Dez was about to lose it again.

“So is it just me or are you doing dolls of the rest of the cast?”

“Well, the principals certainly.”

“The priest? Father dad?” Dez was trying desperately to suppress his convulsions. Everyone saw this but the others all seemed to think he was fighting gastric distress.

“Well yes. Of course. The priest is another principal character.”

“Will he come with his own accessory altar boy?”

Dez managed to mask his outburst as a groan of pain and tore out of the room again.

“Look, that's between you and Eoin's people. Tell them I'm on board. My people will work out an equitable arrangement for my figurines. Though I really think you should do two and double the sales.”

They nodded, a bit perplexed that the surreal conversation had quickly come into focus and been resolved. I think they thought they were getting a taste of Katherine's legendary negotiating skills, but I knew they were just getting a taste of my twisted sense of deadpan humour. Once my one attentive audience member ran out of the room, I decided to tie it up and bin it.

“I really do worry that Mr Lehmann may have picked up something from me. I don't want anyone else to catch anything, so is there any more pressing business that can't wait?” Everyone looked at each other and shook their heads.

“Well then, thanks for keeping it brief and I ...or one of my representatives, will be in touch to follow up on the issues we discussed today.”

I met up with Dennis and Mikey in the waiting area near the conference room and we headed out to the car when I caught Dez leaving a mens room.

“Are you OK?” I asked. He was still beet red.

“No thanks to YOU!” he grinned. “I've been in negotiations with Katherine, and I used to think the original meeting for Thornbirds was the most amazing thing I'd witnessed. But you..... YOU!....”

He shook his finger at me as if he was chiding me, yet with the stupidest grin on his still crimson face. “.....oh, god I'm going to miss you....”

“Is Katherine coming back?” I played it deadpan.

“Oh. NO. Not right away. I haven't heard anything.... I mean I don't think anything is imminent...”

“Oh. OK. So we're still on for Asia in two weeks?”

“Yes. Absolutely. As far as I know. ...in fact if she's wise, she'll take her time coming back. You really do seem to be doing an excellent job tending to her affairs.”

“She won't mind the action figures?”

“I can't imagine she'll care. She was commoditzed much more back when she was modeling.”

“She won't mind the ...accessories?” I smiled.

“YOU!...” he shot me a devilish smile “..are a wicked, wicked girl!”

“Sorry about the movie pitches. I just got the feeling you didn't want to do a Thornbirds sequel”

“God no! And thank you for putting a stake in that. If I passed, they'd just throw gobs of money at someone else to crank one out. But I think you killed it good. AND you gave them other things to think about.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that. I thought they needed a distraction, and those were the first things that came to mind.”

“Actually both good ideas. Retreads of old ideas... or as they would put it 'bankable pre-proven properties' ...yet your take was fresh enough that it could actually work. Either of them.”

“Maybe. But I hope I didn't commit Katherine to anything she wouldn't do.”

“If they make it worth her while, she'll do it. And I think playing a robot may just be the role she was born for.”

“Possibly.... but I kind of painted these as lavish choreographed musicals...”

“And thank you for that. For keeping me in the game.”

I nodded. “But by all accounts, Katherine doesn't sing or dance. I think 'Birds proved that.”

“True.... too bad there wasn't someone who can sing and dance who could cover those scenes...”

I just looked at him. I think he was trying to do 'puppy dog eyes' along with his silly grin.

“Eventually they'll send someone to look for me...” I smiled. “I have to go home sooner or later. I can't stay here forever.”

“You're young. You have time. Tell me you're not having the time of your life.”

I screwed up my mouth and regarded his eager smile.

“OK. I'm not even going to try to bluff my way out of this. But what we're talking about seems like a lot more than we discussed the night before the premiere.” I smiled.

“No shortage of contract paper... or lawyers... or ink” he winked. And leaned in to whisper “The future's wide-open Ms McGuinness.”