Secondhand Life - Part 7

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This gave me a wicked, wicked idea. I mentioned it to Eoin and he was all for it. But getting it by Dez was a trickier manouver.

Surprisingly, when I told him of my 'guerilla-promotions' scheme he just smiled and shook his head. “Katherine is going to do whatever Katherine is going to do. You have THAT aspect of her down cold. But crazy disguises and crashing open mic nights at local bars in whatever city we're in to do numbers from the film? That's pure YOU Elsie!” He smiled, then he held his hands up “Katherine will not be stopped anyway, and she's not failed to surprise the studio with her antics on this press tour. But I can know nothing of this. We never talked. You just went off on your own as usual, and this time dragged poor Eoin along with you. He'll be safe from the studio's wrath because everyone knows he's no match for you in a disagreement, so he was dragged along against his will. And YOU will be safe because everyone knows by now that you're crazy. And you're making the studio piles and piles of money. So go. Leave me out of this and I will only know what I read in the blogs. And I know I will be reading a lot.” he grinned.

So when we hit Atlanta on our press tour and I got all sorts of angry press by declaring Thornbirds to be just like Gone With the Wind only with music and dance numbers and no war and more sheep and priests and ...actually nothing like Gone with the Wind except that like Atlanta, we were on FIRE! ...Hmm, still a touchy subject. But it got people to talking. And I knew my Sherman joke would be forgotten long before our film was.

That evening we put 'operation stealth plug' into action. We really had to get a better name for it. Mikey was working the web while we were doing our morning interviews and by mid-afternoon he had all our supplies. Dressed in Walmart's finest and looking like a shlubby farmer out for a night on the town with his scarecrow, we hit open mic night at a local drag club and got our name on the list. The talent lineup was ...varied... but I had to clap for everyone who fought off stage fright and got up before the often catty crowd. There had already been a couple of Katherine Keller impersonators, apparently that was becoming a thing. No real surprise since it was an easy stretch for a gangly scrawny boy, as I should know. I was a bit anxious at how we'd do our number and I'd play things down.

We handed our CD to the guy in the soundbooth. It was 'You Bastard. Your Bastard' only we asked our music director Kirk to do it on some home Korg and Casio keyboards like budget Karaoke, and he gleefully sent us an MP3 within a day. It sounded like home made music, but recognizable.

When the music came on, we had our backs to the stage and still appeared to be undressing. Eoin dropped his Carhart jacket and Braves cap and turned to face the audience in his Priest's garb and began to sing to delighted applause.. I hurriedly scampered after him onto the stage still struggling and managed to drop my cargo pants down to my ankles as I shuffled behind him as if shackled. I shook out of one leg and kicked the trousers into the audience with the other. This brought a howl from the audience. I hoped whoever caught them would eventually notice – after I never came to reclaim them, that there were a dozen free screening passes in the pocket. So the pants were gone, and maybe they had already noticed my shiny black tights and stilettos, but I think they were all distracted by my epic struggle with my long duster-style barncoat, which after nervously fumbling the buttons, I just pulled up and over my head, knocking off my stars and bars truckers cap and shaking my hair free.

The audience let out a roar as I finished walking up to Eoin just in time for him to toss me my mic and I started singing MY part. Only I sang it with the bizarre accent that Katherine had originally used in the film. I caught Eoin's expression and knew he got the joke, even if everyone else in the place thought it was a nervous hometown drag queen struggling to do an Aussie accent. I belted out the part, really going over the top. Very exaggerated moves, but I figured that was just what this performer would do on stage. Make it GRAND. The crowd had simmered down from my original reveal and were really getting into it when we got to the point in the number where 'Father Dad' as I'd taken to calling him, admits his failed struggle to remain chaste and confesses his undying love. Only in our version, we made it more ...carnal, thanks to a breakaway priest costume (who knew they made such things? My cousin Mikey apparently) and a leather G-string. And the crowd went absolutely beserk! Eoin was surprisingly buff and I caught myself thinking, 'Yeah. Katherine would hit that.' But I quickly refocused on our big finish, where Eoin swept me into his very sweaty – and I hoped not too slippery – arms for a deep dip and torrid (Hollywood) kiss.

The lights came up and we did a little bow, then I did a mock curtsey – it seemed appropriate... and we gathered our stuff off the floor as we left the stage to a still-roaring crowd. We exchanged grins as we passed the next girl waiting to go on, who just glared at us

“How the fuck am I supposed to follow THAT???”

“Sorry” I peeped and shrugged.

“I'm not.” gloated Eoin as he made his way back into the club still in his G-string and holding his balled up clothes.

“'mission accomplished'!” I nodded to Eoin as I put my duster back on over my stage clothes and tucked the cap into the pocket. He grinned broadly as I asked the bartender if someone could call us a cab.

“Don't you want to find out how you did?” The bartender asked, with a big grin on his face. “I sure do.”

I shook my head. “I'm suddenly feeling ….really exposed” I said as I shivered slightly. He just nodded and smiled. I'm sure he was thinking 'first timer'. He called a cab and told us it would be here in about five minutes.

Which we spent chatting with the crowd that had gathered around us. When we had to give our names for the open mic competition, we looked at each other blankly. How could neither of us have thought of this. Fortunately, panic makes me resourceful.

“Tucker. Tucker Donaldson.” I said nodding towards Eoin “And I'm Dale. Dale Birch.” I especially liked that because Dale was kind of gender neutral. It could be Earnhardt or Evans. I was feeling quite proud of my fast reflexes – if not my originality.

“Tucker and Dale? Where the hell did you come up with that?” Eoin whispered.

I shrugged. “I panicked. I just thought of a movie I was watching on Netflix back at the hotel. Seemed like good, Georgia names.”

He furrowed his brow a moment, then broke into a grin. “Yeah. It does. Dammit Ka... I mean Dale... just when I think you can no longer surprise me....”

So we were Dale and Tucker, two first timers who saw the movie and knew that we simply had to do this number at the next open mic night. The crowd bought it 100%. Folks who had seen the movie complimented us, and those who hadn't were now determined to see it first thing.

“But be warned...” I laughed “In the movie, he doesn't have a breakaway uniform!”

“I'll bet Lehmann will be kicking himself that he hadn't thought of that!” one of the crowd guffawed.

'Yeah. I think so too', I smiled to myself.

The cab came and Eoin told me to head off and he would catch up. He was having way too much fun and was determined to make the most of it.

I quietly got back to the hotel, feeling a bit like Carmen Sandiego sneaking around in the long coat.

I was already asleep when Mikey called the room.

“Back so soon? What the hell, Katherine?” I had to give him credit. He was completely committed to my Katherine role and he never accidentally slipped. Even between the two of us.

“I headed back early. Need my rest. Eoin stayed behind.” I think he heard the twinkle in my voice.

“Dammit, I wish I could have been there. Couldn't anyone from the studio make me a fake ID? I bet they can do anything they put their mind to.”

“Look, it's only a few more months, then you can hang out in bars.”

“Not here. It's 21 in the states.”

“Oh, yeah. ...well, that just means your liver will hold out a few extra years. You're not missing anything much.”

“I missed your open mic!”

“Oh yeah. So, do you want to hear how it went?”

“I already know! You don't have to be 21 to use Twitter!”

I shrugged to myself, but Mikey asked me for a detailed account anyway. Either to be nice to me, or to get it from my perspective. I did have a lot of details he hadn't gotten on social media.

“Oh...HO! I just found this instagram post. Wow. You look... different...”

“Kinda the point. Like an amateur, home made attempt to do Katherine Keller by some wannabe kid.”

“Well. It worked. But Eoin still mostly looks like Eoin ...with bad hair. And....HOLY SHIT! I know I helped you guys get the breakaway priest costume, but I just saw the instagram. Damn! He's RIPPED!”

“Yeah... Who knew?” I giggled. Wait, when did I start giggling?

“No wonder he wanted to stay.” Mikey laughed. “We'll be lucky if we see him by checkout time.”

“Oh christ!” I suddenly gasped, hand to my mouth. “He's worked SO hard to stay in the closet, even faking a romance with Katherine... and here I go and blow it all by dragging him out to a drag bar with my harebrained scheme!”

“Relax, Kat....” I felt him hesitate, using such a familiar name. Did he feel he'd crossed some line? “You're not the one blowing anything tonight.....” then he giggled. “I think this makes your plan even better!”

“How can THAT be.” I was still mortified that I'd outed Eoin.

“Well, I assume you didn't enter the contest as yourself.”

“No. Of course not.... we were Dale and Tucker.”

“I like it... so everyone at the bar thinks this hot guy Dale...”

“I was Dale, he was Tucker.”

“Funny. I would have taken YOU for the 'Tucker'”

I let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Anyway... this GUY Tucker.... though seriously cuz, you should have called him 'Packer' because after that instagram...”

“Yeah, yeah. Back on track, horndog. So I didn't out Eoin because...”

“Well. Everyone thinks he's this guy Tucker. And he looks a lot like Eoin. But he's ripped. And no one thinks of doughy old Eoin Mclure, star of all those period costume dramas and musicals as ripped. So this guy is a ripped stud who resembles a movie star. AND he's gay.... and walking around a drag bar in nothing but a leather G-string. …..I presume he didn't put his dorky farmer clothes back on...”

“How did you know?”

“Why would he? ….anyway... this guy looks kind of like a famous movie star, he's really buff, and he's really gay. Everyone knows Eoin and Katherine have a thing. One more thing that makes him definitely not Eoin. You didn't OUT him.” Mikey laughed. “...You got him LAID!”

I blushed deeply at the thought, but hoped Mikey was right. ...about me not outing Eoin. ...and I guess, the other. I had put that poor guy through so much hell on our press tour, if one of my zany stunts ended up with him actually getting lucky.... well, I owed him.

“Enough talk. It's getting late and we all need our sleep. Go to bed Mikey. Don't stay up all night surfing for porn.” I laughed.

“You're not my MOTHER!” he mock-protested. “Actually you're a lot like an annoying older sister.” he laughed.

“Go to bed young man.” I mock-scolded

“OK sis.” he said quietly, without a trace of humor in his voice. And hung up.

***

I met up with a really ragged looking Eoin in Tableaux, the hotel's restaurant the next afternoon. I had come in for a late lunch, but he appeared to be having a really late breakfast.

“Thanks for coming out with me last night!” I nearly bit my lip at my poor choice of words, but quickly decided the best course was to plow ahead quickly. “You've been a supremely good sport with all my ….unorthodox... ideas on this junket.”

He smiled wearily. “Before I signed on to this film, friends tried to warn me about you. I don't know if you're aware of it, but you do have a ….reputation.”

“I should hope SO!” I kidded.

“Well. It's kind of a scary reputation... high strung, unpredictable, vindictive, kind of paranoid..”

“...Katherine the Terrible” I smiled. He shot me a sheepish grin.

“Yeah. And at first, on the set, I thought they might be right.... you seemed a bit like a loaded gun... but I was always professional with you and we got along without any trouble.”

“Glad to know.” I smiled.

“But then at the premiere, and the after party... and on the press tour.... I began to understand some of the things people tried to warn me about...”

I raised an eyebrow. 'Uh oh. Here it comes.' I thought.

“You ARE... well, you CAN be.... unpredictable. That 'spoiler alert' thing on GMA. At first I thought you'd lost it... then you kept at it... and soon it became absurd... and transcended absurd... and I just kept waiting for you to blurt it out again... and I wasn't the only one.... but when you did it during our duet... I never saw that coming... and you completely destroyed me.”

I frowned apologetically.

“AND you made the most riveting live television I can recall. So, yes, my friends were right, you're unpredictable and overwhelming and an all-consuming force... but not in a bad way... more like a brilliant way. I had my misgivings when we were working on the film, and especially seeing the finished product at the premiere... but going on the road with you, and seeing the reaction of people everywhere and the force of nature that is Katherine Keller and her insane idea of public relations.... may I just say, I'm proud to be your tabloid boy toy, and I wouldn't have missed last night for anything!

“Even if I hadn't gotten you laid?” I grinned.

Eoin went bright crimson. “WHAT?!!! How.... ...what makes you think you got me laid.... uh, assuming for a moment that I did in fact get laid...????”

“Oh. PLEASE!.... Under what other circumstances than one of my 'insane' ideas, would you find yourself in a drag bar wearing nothing but a leather G-string, surrounded by a gaggle of admirers who thought you were a local farmer who resembled a straight movie star?” I could not wipe the grin from my face. In hindsight, and presuming I'd planned it that way, I was a genius.

Eoin regarded me for an uncomfortably long time. I presumed he was formulating a response.

“God, my friends warned me you were a force of nature, but they truly have NO idea...” He just shook his head and smiled.

“Finish your egg whites” I chided. “We have to be packed and ready to load out for the Big Easy by four. Can you walk, or shall I fetch some porters and a sedan chair?”

He laughed and winced almost imperceptibly, and I knew we were partners in crime. Whatever crazy notion I came up with next, I could count on Eoins cooperation ...and collaboration.

New Orleans was amazing. I laid off 'the crazy' there because the city was already in its own amazing, delightful, alternate reality.

Houston was as tightly wrapped as New Orleans was recklessly uninhibited. We shook them up, and I suspect we got banned for life by the city elders.

Austin was as delightfully bohemian as I'd heard. We didn't have to push the film, it was already gaining a Rocky Horror like audience of fans who interacted with the film, and it was a special treat to attend one of these screenings and to surprise the crowd by getting on stage at the end and thanking them all for appreciating the unique charms of the film. I ended with a breathless faux-beauty queen gush holding a clump of kudzu to my breast and breathlessly exclaiming... “I'm a MEME! Thanks to you... all of you.... I'm a ….MEME!!!” That brought the house down, and soon all the smartphone videos of my 'I'm a meme' bit became... a meme.

….Meta....

Life on the road settled into a routine as we crisscrossed the country. Eoin and I became a close team, conspiring new ways to plug the film, which really didn't need our help anymore. It had acquired a sort of cultural critical mass as a camp classic, and even if not what the studio or our director originally intended, they were pragmatic enough to welcome success under whatever guise it came.

After a grueling nine and a half weeks which saw us hitting every region of the U.S. ...and I suspect a few fringes of Canada and Mexico too, we were all ready for a rest.

Dez seemed nonplussed when I asked him if I was now on my own and supposed to find my own place to rest.

“What? Of course not. You're headed back home to Monterrey to rest up after your successful tour.”

I reminded him that Monterrey was not my home and that I was NOT Katherine – which he seemed to have forgotten. And that I presumed the gig was over and I was heading back to Australia with my cousin. I also inquired about Katherine.

“Well.... she's had some... setbacks. She's not ready to be discharged. And we have a big European press tour coming up. You do recall that our contract had a pick up clause. You're committed to a compulsory extension at our discretion. And it should come as no surprise that we're exercising that option. So head home to Monterrey. Relax. Unwind. Take the boat out for a few days.

“Boat? Boat to where?”

“Wherever you want” Dez chuckled. “It's your boat. Take it anywhere you want.”

“I have a ….I mean Katherine has a boat?”

He nodded and grinned. “The Dodge&Burn. 110 foot tri-hull. Bought with your Versace money.”

OK. Maybe I could be Katherine for a while longer.

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Got in the first kudo

*Thumbs Up*

It will be very interesting to see how s/he somehow spins this into a career for him/herself. Frankly I suspect the studio realizes by now that LC has more talent than the original with none of the drawbacks.

Edit: And first comment!

There is the possibility Eoin will need to be in on it

Eventually that is.

Let's say Katherine does come back, LC and Eoin will have developed enough of a report that the real Katherine will have absolutely no hope of understanding or replicating I think. All the goings on right now would be a blank to the real one and Eoin could smell a rat.

Hmmm The Dodge and Burn

A triple entendre name? Dodge and Burn may be: a) Two old time dark room print making techniques. Think Ansel Adams. b) You avoid something and then floor the gas to escape (burn rubber) or c) You try to keep avoiding a bad fate and then it catches up with you and you burn out.

Dark room techniques ...

... I used to attempt in my youth with very limited success. Never needed to resort to the other meaning, though, I'm pleased to say. No very misspent youth for me.

Excellent story which seems to be putting LC into a rather difficult position and one which I don't think he (and others) has fully thought through. It obviously has its advantages, including the use of the aforesaid 'Dodge and Burn' which I sincerely hope is a 'proper' boat ie one with a mast and sails with just a small auxiliary engine.

Thanks

Robi

"No comment"

....she commented.

;-)

K@

I doubt Katherine will ever

I doubt Katherine will ever come back. Between the name of the story and the bit about "setbacks" I'm getting the impression this is going to end like Heinlein's 'Double Star' with the impresonator becoming the person they were impersonating and assuming their life completly.
For that matter the public Katherine image seems to be growing beyond anything Katherine could sustain, so even if she doesn't die I can't see her being able to come back.

Considering her history.

Hypatia Littlewings's picture

Yes there is no way the "Real Katherine" could maintain the change LC has started. considering her previous history she could always have another change of meds. And that would explain things, however the reverse change would also likely piss a lot of people off. Then again she is a star so they would have to suck it up, just like they did before.

>i< ..:::

Not really.

Not really.
People will tolerate a lot when they think that's the best they can get, after a few monthes of "new and improved" going back to Katherine the terrible will seem a lot worse than it did before. More importantly LC's public insanity is a very different sort than Katherine's LC just got a huge amount of fans for that, and if Katherine comes back she'll get job offers based on that reputation...and will be unable to hold up her end of the deal.

Don't count Katherine out...

...she's a survivor.

...as we will (eventually) find out. ;-)

...SO much more to come....

K@

New syndrome:

Podracer's picture

Multiple person disorder.. Well, LC is spreading a better class of disorder, anyway. If this all went wonky, then sh/he has an alternative career possibility as the famous Katherine "fraud", outrageous story to tell and self-evident performing talent.

"Reach for the sun."

I feel that the "powers to be

I feel that the "powers to be" over Katherine's life and career are really not going to want the real Katherine back in their lives. She has/had proven herself to be a real bitch to work with or around; and now they have discovered another person who can replace her and is way, way much easier to have around, be around and work around. Kind of a win-win for LC and them.

So worth re-reading.

I adore this work of yours.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

New Orleans

TheCropredyKid's picture

LC /you are absolutely right - as crazy as she/he might get, somewhere in New Orleans is someone who could out-weird it.

And will.

NOLa might as well be Zaphod Beeblebrox: "Don't try to out-weird me - I get weirder things than you with my breakfast cereal."

 
 
 
x

Manic

erin's picture

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

The funniest story on BCTS,

at least to me. I never has to reach or struggle to make a joke, it just is simply wonderful and hilarious. I can't wait to find out what happens next, I am going to be binging this until late into the wee morning hours. I'm so glad I don't have to wait for the next chapter to drop, that is the good thing about being Miss Tardy to the Party!