Needs and Surprises

It’s a need not a want.

Built in, born in and yeah the jury’s still out with the hows and the whys of being this way but I’ll never see things that way, the way that some see it as a choice, like this was something that we decide to do.

You don’t choose.

Not one person that I know in life or online chooses to be trans or gay or lesbian or bisexual or anything else other that the “Normal.”

Sigh…

Sorry but these were the thoughts of a newly released woman living in an empty house.

No not released in like I’ve done time but released because I’m done doing time. I’m done doing time for being transgender and done doing time living a life and living that life in a way that honestly I wasn’t supposed to.

But yeah a big empty house.

It wasn’t home yet.

I got the place and with it being left to me.

Aunt Viola’s old house.

It’s funny but she wasn’t a close relative either a few times when I was a little kid and that was a long, long time ago really. She was nice but she was a lesbian…not that they ever called her or Aunt Ruth that instead they were “spinsters.” and lived hours away from where I grew up and we really only ever seen them at funerals, weddings and the annual Christmas present pilgrimage that was a thing of my dad’s.

I missed that too.

Driving in the Studebaker Wagonaire full of presents and things for the extended family with Dad and Mom and my two younger sibs. We had a couple of big thermoses of coffee and hot chocolate and we’d leave so early we’d pack camp stuff.

No we wouldn’t camp out but a stop at a parking lot when we were all hungry and we’d bring out the Coleman stove and dad would cook bacon and then pancakes.

I’ve only ever had a few times when pancakes tasted better then eating them while it was snowing and drinking hot chocolate.

It’s…one of those good memories about being a kid.

Because when you have a sister who gets to be a girl and your brain’s telling you “Hey wait for me…” when you’re the older one makes things.

Hard…

Especially where and when I grew up.

The Sixties only really touched us on TV.

You get rural places where anything “Gay” or “Queer” was behind closed doors, securely behind closed doors and even then labeled something else.

Dad was an ex-army guy who drove tanks and he went from that to being a heavy machinery runner. You didn’t get to come out to a guy like that then. No one was trans, no one was out and if you were…you buried it deep, deep down.

And parts of you died off.

No one can ever tell me you can’t miss what you never had.

That’s a lie.

Being trans ate me up inside and for a while there it dragged me into hell.

I drank and smoked really early (Fourteen) and even did some drugs until Dad found out and literally beat it out of me….they did that back then.

I ended up going into the woods as a sawman oddly because it was so masculine toting around a chainsaw and there was the chance of something happening too. I wasn’t going to…you know but at that point if something happened then so be it.

Then after I graduated high school I went into the army too.

Honestly it was a no brainer. It was the again chance for something bad to happen but also just a bit it was pride, tradition and it was also one of the few ways to earn money for college.

(Sad-chuckle to self.) I had dreams during the whole thing of going to university as the real me, of taking a trade in like hairdressing…though it was just barbering then and cosmetology wasn’t around where I lived or it was a big city thing.

But instead I went into the engineering corps and I’ll say this much I got to s lots and help people a lot.

That helped it made a difference there and to me and it probably kept me sane.

After that I went to college and took an associate’s degree in finance and that’s where I met Beth.

Beth was so great, so okay with the shyish quiet guy, so okay with the sensitive guy who listened a little who honestly didn’t mind doing the things that she liked to do.

I’ll admit it was amazing.

Girls where I was from were all about the big guy or tough guys in my experience, they never went for the shy guys, the awkward guys that were “okay” with doing a lot of not macho things.

It was so amazing to me because with Beth the vice like pressure of life came off a lot and it was easier breathing.

We moved in together and I got a job at the local paper mill and with my education and experience and the fortune of a fellow retiring I started at being a foreman.

So it was a no brainer that we got married, had kids…two a boy and a girl Scott and Samantha.

I love them, I’ll always love them. (Sniffle.)

There’s a lot to the whole me and the kids thing.

I really wanted to be a good father, to have my kids have a happy childhood and to feel loved and supported and I really hope that I did that.

Things changed though when they both were away at college though.

But like I’ve said, it’s not a choice, not even close and as the years passed as parents passed away the real part of me started fighting clear, wanting out and it’s like that line out of *The Shawshank Redemption.*

“Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying.”

I drank, I got pretty bad too for a while and then I just could be the asshole that my pain was making me to my family.

There was a bottle of pills, Oxycodone leftover from mom’s cancer. There was enough there to do the job.

I know it’s not something one should do.

I know it hurts people.

But I took two for courage or numbness and full bottle of Jameson and I wrote a long letter goodbye coming clean about it all and left…walked out the door pills in hand and a bottle and walked around the neighborhood drinking.

Drinking and popping pills and ended up home.

Drunk, really high or rather super numb I fell asleep on the wicker chairs out front of the house.

I never did have the courage to take the pills.

I never had the pain that could be stronger than the pain in my head of what this would do to my kids.

I woke to Beth there looking at me and she had the letter.

“What the hell Andy?”

I look at her. “It’s all there.” I was hung over and even more I was shutting down. My brain wasn’t ready; I wasn’t ready for the confrontation.

“What’s all there? This being a woman all your life?”

“Yes…”

“Bullshit we’ve been together forever, we have kids!”

“I know…It’s hard…it’s been so hard.”

“Hard!? You just tried to check out! You just fucking tried to leave me!”

“I know, I’m sorry.” I started crying.

“You’re fucking crying! No! You don’t get to cry! Not about this!” She shook the letters in my face.

“I’m sorry!” I tried to stop but it was literally the floodgates opened, blown open by a lightning bolt from the shit storm that was happening.

“Stop fucking crying!” She started crying too…. Then ran into the house. “Just get out Andrew just get the hell out!”

I cried there for a long time, and I guess it said a lot when no one showed, the kids didn’t come home.

I went inside half frozen from my night on the front porch and Beth was there with this look…dark eyed and red eyed both and she was still with the letters crumpling and uncrumpling them sitting at the table.

“Why Andrew, why me?”

“Because you were the best thing that ever happened to me Beth.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? You lied to me our whole life, our whole relationship, our whole fucking marriage.”

I just kind of hit this wall.

Not the can’t handle it wall but that wall of bitchness.

You know when a woman’s done crying…and anger takes over.

I glared at her. “Because of this, you think, you honestly think that I wanted this, that I had a way out? I mean if you have any damned solution I’d love to know!”

“Don’t yell at me Andrew, you don’t get to yell at me! I’m the one that’s dealing with this.”

I kind of crazy laughed. “No Beth, not even close to dealing with this, not even close to living with this.” I said well more than bitter.

Then she says. “Can’t you just not be queer? Can’t you just stop!?”

I laughed again. “Just stop; just stop jeeze I never thought of that!”

“This isn’t you Andrew!”

“No it is Beth that’s the point!”

“What that you’re just going to give it all up!?, give up on me and our life and our family!?”

“I can’t do this anymore Beth, I can’t live this lie that I’ve been living any more…I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard and it’s not possible.”

“So you’re going to leave!?”

“You’re the one that’s saying that!, You’re the one that’s telling me to get out!”

“You won’t stop!, You won’t listen to reason!”

“There’s nothing to reason! I either stop living this lie I’ve been choking under my entire fucking life or I just stop living.”

“So you’re choosing this…this over me!?”

“No! You you’re the one saying it!” We’re screaming again.

“But You’re the one who’s doing it!”

“I can’t fucking help it I have to do something Beth I can’t do this anymore, I can’t live like this!”

“How am I supposed to live!? Huh…huh…what will I say when people ask, when they talk?”

“IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!” I screamed it likely louder than I had ever screamed about or at anything in my life and that includes when I got shot.

I’d rather have been shot that have gone through this.

To have seen the look on the face of the person that I thought I loved and trusted most in the world get clouded over and become someone else, someone I didn’t recognize. Someone that literally looked enraged that what I have been going through my entire life wasn’t about them.

Apparently this was a side of her that I never even knew existed.

“GET OUT!”

“I AM!”

“GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!” Beth threw things at me the spoons and the sugar bowl and the plastic bear full of honey and I left.

I left and I grabbed my coat and my keys and I left.

And it all went downhill from there.

I stayed that night in the car and then a motel and I ended up taking my sick leave and my vacation time and Beth threw a fit over that since that was apparently our time.

She had plans for my vacation time, she had plans for us.

Which led to more fights some over the phone, several over at my hotel room.

The biggest one was her showing up when I cashed in my vacation time…like right after it and I had been depressed and in that horrible deep hole and feeling like such a failure over all of this and I’d been right on the edge when she showed up.

She knocked and I answered to door.

And she looked at me and she stared at me.

“If you’re a woman they why haven’t you shaved? Where’s your make up? Andrew.”

My name wasn’t a question it was my guy name hurled at me like a weapon.

It was all in the tone.

I was so shocked she went it right past me and she was looking around. “You took your vacation time and your vacation pay out.”

“I…I needed to…I needed a place to stay.”

“That was ours, that was going to be our vacation time and that was supposed to be about us we had plans.”

“I never made plans.”

“I did.”

“But I didn’t.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Beth…what is your point.”

“You didn’t have the right to do that.”

“It’s my time I worked for it.”

“No! It’s ours we have lived that together, you worked and I was there I’m your wife.”

“What! What the hell Beth what do you want? You want half?”

She glared at me. “Fuck you Andrew It’s not about the money.”

“Then what!? What is it about?”

“Time, us you took another thing away from us away from me and you never even asked me, you never even called to ask me Andrew.”

She was looking daggers at me.

“I needed to have a place to stay you threw me out.”

“The lawn needs mowed.”

“Fine, I’ll come over and do it. I need to pick up my things.”

“No you don’t, you’re going to get a whole new wardrobe right?”

“I need my clothes Beth.”

“I gave them away Andrew.”

And that’s when I lost it.

And we had a screaming match all over again.

I was nearly thrown out of my room.

The police came.

Domestic disturbance.

She didn’t lie to them, she didn’t say that I tried to hurt her at all but she did say everything...she outed me right there and then.

Even still back then when it happened and in a town like ours the looks that I got from those officers.

The one, the one okay thing that had happened was they escorted me home and they went in with me to get my clothes.

Just my clothes everything else I had was of dubious origin as to who might own it, even things that were clearly mine.

Because Beth said. “He calls himself a woman so what kind of woman could have those kinds of things then they could just as easily be mine.”

And the police were good with that.

I just got my clothes.

And phone calls.

And fired.

Yes fired. There was several soon after calls to management about me being in the women’s bathrooms at work.

It spread fast like a cancer…no like a plague and I left town.

But not before the divorce papers.

I ended up two towns over and in a really cheap trailer park in a small jet stream and I ended up getting a lawyer and fought the dismissal of my job so I could get unemployment filed. The two women that filed the complaints I didn’t even know and they ended up getting caught in a lie about the whole thing by my lawyer and his P.I. but they did it just because they didn’t like queers and one even said it would’ve been only a matter of time that I would’ve.

My lawyer told me that the judge wasn’t too happy and but he still ruled in my favor. I filed for wrongful termination but guess what? In my state it’s legal to be fired for being LGBT. My lawyer’s still going to keep trying like he is for several other cases that he’s doing pro-bono for equal rights.

But the damage was still done.

The town I moved to, the home I made with Beth wasn’t home any more.

Beth and the divorce was no contest thing at that point I just wanted Not to fight anymore. Beth wanted to fight and fight and she was mad as hell about it all and she even went for more but with the house and pretty much everything in it and both cars.

Yeah I had to give up the car I left home in….

Well she didn’t have grounds to go after more with all of that going to her and uncontested.

The kids didn’t take it too bad but they didn’t take it great either. Our family was broken and they were at best with me being carefully neutral. I think that was the case mainly because neither one was living at home.

Scott was in Burbank and going to Cal-Tech as an engineer for video games, not the programmers but the kind of thing where they design the Atari or Colecovision things.

No…I don’t really know those kinds of games the last one that I really played that was of any interest was Donkey Kong.

Though I bought my kids a Nintendo and a Super Nintendo when they were kids.

And Samantha she went into the forces but she went into the Air force as a pilot. She has flown the fighters but she doesn’t do that instead she flies helicopters. And when all of this finally broke she was based in the Philippines.

Like I said they both hated it the divorce and the split and everything and there were a lot of awkward moments.

Like Scott calling and me answering once I was starting HRT and voice lessons… online ones for those and they’re pretty easy to find…but anyway it was.

“Hello?”

“Uhm Hi…is…is Andrew there?”

“Scott?”

“Uh…..Dad…?”

I managed a swallow… “Yeah…?” Sort of?

“Oh…”

Now we still talked and everything but his call didn’t last that long and I knew that he was freaked out.

And he called less and less.

Actually it’d been three months without hearing from him since he’s off on some tech thing in Japan.

And Samantha?

She seemed to have acted like no matter how much my voice has changed that it didn’t change anything. She still called me dad and she still called after that but she doesn’t interact with me like she would with Beth.

I ended up pretty worried because she went to Iraq. I don’t hear from her either but I have gotten letters and some pictures too of her and some of the soldiers and some of the flight crew she’s on a plane now some big thing called a Lockheed Specter?

And then there was Beth.

It’d been four years since that split we had and it’s my second year on gender corrective hormone therapy and not once did I even gotten a phone call or a letter other than return to sender things.

I tried…even after everything I tried, even just to talk even just to be friends…maybe even a little for well I don’t know because I still loved Beth…I mean even after everything that was said and done I still loved her.

So there it is...was

Me and this great big house that Aunt Viola left me and me finally moving out of my trailer and out of the town that I was living at and out here into the country and the back beyond.

Birch Creek Maine.

Now I’ve lived all over and I’m Massachusetts raised out near Lowell and I’ve been to a whole lot of others but honestly I’ve been sort of urban ever since I stopped running a saw.

This was that kind of rural.

Birch Creek is this tiny town and its way up and tucked into the North West corner of the state and it actually close to the Quebec border than it is for New Brunswick but it’s still over and hour.

The town isn’t a town really as more than a village with about seven hundred people tow schools three grocery stores and none of them a chain brand and two gas stations and a handful of other places. There’s a lot of birch trees and the big thing that people do for jobs here is work at this big orchard and cider place or for the two farms here with one being for eggs and the other a turkey growing farm other than that people make their own living with stores that are the mom and pop places and selling wood and the what-not.

It didn’t take much to see the whole town there just really wasn’t that many streets. But I liked it, fifties styled houses and the biggest buildings were three and four stories and that old styled red brick.

And then it was close to twenty miles from town to the house, down an old chipseal road that was cracked and broken by big trucks and age and frost. One of those old roads that hasn’t had enough people on it to really fix it beyond patching the really bad potholes and those cracks in the road that just have a little bit of grass poking through.

I drove slowly because there’s alders here and they’ve not been cut for so long that they do that crown over the road a little and are that kind of thing where deer would jump out on you really easily.

But here…at last…it was to be home I guess…it was my best and last chance almost really to just be left alone maybe and just to live as me.

I really wanted that…I missed feeling anything remotely like feeling sort of peaceful with the world.

The driveway was paved with dumped shale stone and it’s in that perfect old press you get after years and years.

It’s got a lot of yard and a good sized field but there’s was a lot of alders at the edges and there was a lot of brush and weeds, well not weeds really but a lot of tall thistles and a lot of goldenrod it’s a good thing that I’m not really allergic.

I could see the patch of different ground where there was a garden all over grown after who knows how long and then there’s the rest of the yard with crabapple trees and a snowball bush and I can see where there are lupins along one side of the back field and then there’s the house and the barn.

The house is big…it’s actually three stories with one of those four sides roofs with a double chimney coming up from the middle and the windows were all boarded over and the outside boards were all grey and covered with peeling paint.

Even getting the lock for the front door took some doing and a can of spray in penetrating oil to get working and the inside…I liked the porch in the side of the house it meets the front steps and the front door so you can use either one. The steps are covered by a bit of a roof but there’s no wall to block the wind but it’s wood and then a few steps and then four more steps that are like concrete slabs before you’re level with the driveway. That’ll need a railing or rather I wanted a railing for it at least.

Well it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought most of the furniture was covered and there was a lot of it.

Like likely nothing was tossed out since no one likely picked anything up like for garbage removal.

I went through the house checking things and it was up to code from the newish looking breaker box and I had to get the water going too after the power was going. I made calls to have it connected/turned on so all I had to do was to pop the power on at the box and go through the agony of the pipes moaning and groaning as the water starts to get going.

Every room in the house was full of things, and some of the rooms were completely full of things and when I checked the barn/garage that was no better either with it stacked to the old tin gabled roof with things.

It was heaven.

It was out of the way and it was quiet and it felt safe and there was so much to do.

I wasn’t going to throw things away either.

I was going to sell them though...I needed the money and a girl only needs so much.

Getting online wasn’t actually that hard there was actually cable and internet run out this far much to my surprise and I cleaned and cleared up a work area and place to sleep and got the plumbing running clear and the hot water heater and all those odds and ends working and my groceries put away and spent I think a week cleaning the house and then claiming things and sorting things out and making trips to some of the bigger towns with things that I’ve sold online and to a couple of antique stores.

Online’s really good if you have mismatched things. Aunt Vi was like a raven and anything sparkly or pretty I think that she had. And there’s a lot of things that you can look up online now and see what they’re worth and then sell on e-bay or other sites for people that are looking for that one piece that you might have.

I didn’t need the six sets of formal china. But I kept the nicest that I liked myself and then there were figurines and tea tins and glass figurines and books.

Oh lord there was a room that was stacked boxes of books.

A lot of those weren’t worth anything either, old or damaged or just not really worth shipping out.

Those actually I used…Some serious glue and some wood and varnish and a few cans of stain and I built a desk…a wooden top nicely stained and the legs and the base all old fused together and glued hardcovers and I did the same with my bookshelves by using wood for the shelf and glued hardcovers over the wall brackets and I staggered them up one wall hiding the brackets with the books and making it look like the books were holding the shelves upright.

And then there were actual bookshelf units I felt in the barn so I put those in there too against the other walls and suddenly I had a study.

It got better when I stripped the door of the paint and stained the wood and then did the floors too and painted the walls this smoke-cherry red adding in a love seat by the window and a coffee table and several lamps that I liked and that took on a nice look.

Most of the house was like that, experiments in recycling things and finding places for them.

And lots of work.

I managed enough to get the yard mowed from one of the farmers with his bush pull mower for his tractor and I cleaned most of that up and I got my farm things in the barn running an old tractor and mower and tiller and I plowed up the garden and then after a trip in town to the hardware store/garden place I dumped two bags of new soil into it and manure and tilled it all under and covered it all with plastic sheeting and just left it to ‘cook’ over the winter.

Winter…

Wow that first one came in pretty fast and really hard and there’s such a difference in being in towns and cities to being out here in the back beyond. Though with the tractor and the fact it has a scoop on it let me play some in the snow.

But the holidays…they really and truly sucked away from everyone and just not having that anymore.

It was a good thing that I had still lots to do and to fix and to recondition. Life became a whole lot of that and it became longer trips to town to get things that I needed and stock up on things.

Like my meds and hormones and groceries…which aren’t so bad really especially after I discover all the stuff that Aunt Vi put down.

Okay there was a lot I had to toss out the pickles were mostly bad and there was stuff that was truly old but there were some things that were really delightful.

She had boxes and boxes of homemade wines and some was grape but there were berry ones and there were apple ones and other fruits too. Chokecherry wine is pretty iffy as a drinking wine but it actually with a lot of ground pepper and a dollop of marmalade made a great braise for a roaster of pig shanks.

She made some great jams and marmalades and yeah different kinds too since I never had even heard of just lemon marmalade or green tomato marmalade or had three fruit marmalade with like grapefruit in it. The pectin’s and certo and the sugar kept a lot of those really in good shape and there was minced meat too as well as a few other things.

I saved all of the bottles and scalded them and cleaned things because I thought that it might be a nice thing to do.

And yeah part of me and the way I see things too is that’s stuff a woman my age should’ve grown up knowing so there was a little reclaiming things there.

Actually cooking became part of my transition.

I can cook, or could cook but it was sort of that cook to live and not the knowing how to do the passed down stuff so another part of the winter was doing that…trial and error and even burning things learning from online videos and from cooking shows off of You tube and then trying to follow Aunt Vi’s recipes.

And learning how to knit.

I mean I’ll watch video and things to learn but I don’t really watch TV instead I’ll listen to the radio…there’s several in the house and I’ll work away at stuff.

And as much as Christmas was really shitty for me and lonely I found all of her things and I put them up and there was some of the things that I really, really enjoyed.

Like my first tree that was a real tree since I was living at home. That smell…and then cooking and baking…I did a whole bunch of Christmas cooking and I send some to my son and to my daughter really breaking my bank with the costs but it felt good and then there was some scarves and socks and mittens…even though Scott was in California I still sent him some.

And I dropped off some in town for the church.

I haven’t gone there yet because well it’s a small town and everything and I’m well…I’m a trans woman and It’s a scary thing if the town goes wonky because I’m well…who I am.

I gave them some jams and things too a bunch of boxes of things by the time I was done including a lot of the clothes that she had. There were a lot of things that just could never fit me that might go a long way for some folks and the churches thrift store.

And a couple bottles of jam and a couple of pies at the sheriff’s station and then the fire hall.

I was so glad I swallowed my fear and went to do all of that. The officer at the station was this older fellow. He called me miss…he looked in his late sixties so it fit…it still felt really good though. And he gave me a cup of mulled cider and some of his wife’s carrot Christmas cake and it was really good with thick frosting and it even had a reindeer on it as a decoration.

That was nice too and the whole deer and carrots thing was smart, I’d never ever thought of that.

The fire hall had people there for a Christmas barbeque which was a lovely idea really and people were nice…they called me ma’am and I introduced myself as Andi.

The fire chief looked at me. “Andy?”

I blushed. “Well Andi with an I.”

“Oh like Andi McDowell.”

I smiled and blushed. “Yeah…it’s…well with everything.”

He didn’t looked freaked out he just nodded. “Easier?”

I nod.

God how I missed decent conversation.

“Stay for a while?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Please, it’d be the neighborly thing to do besides I can’t impress you if you’re not here.”

Voosh…red faced.

“Impress me…?”

He smiles and it’s like one second he was a man I was talking to and the next minute it was like my brain actually just said… Wait…whoa…he’s pretty cute.

And he was… in his late thirties or early forties with just a little grey in his hair and it went somehow so well with the sandy brown-blonde thing that he had going on and was really build too…my eyes and brain were taking in jeans that fight him just right and the black fire department logoed t-shirt and the muscles and the broad chest and so much more.

“Yes, with how well I can grill and maybe even dance.”

“Dance?”

“Yes, you know dance.”

He reached out and took my still sort of stunned hand one by one and he then started to move with the music that was playing and I have never…never, ever, ever danced as a girl or as a woman and here I am in my snow boots and corduroy pants and a heavy sweater and my hair a mess but thankfully shoved under my toque and he’s dancing with me and…

There was this sudden part in the music and he lets one hand go and sort of lets me go out and I have no idea what’s going on until he pulls me back in and does that twirling thing with his arm that spins me back it like a real dance twirl.

When that happens I hung onto him and there’s so much going on in my head and in my heart and in this moment as lonely and aching and hurting clashes with suddenly in shock and surprised and happy.

Like happy in this gut deep base way that I couldn’t even explain because it’s so simple and so…should have never had happened.

And I went zero to sobby in a second flat.

He held me which makes it more of a crying thing and a happy never thing and he walks me over to some of the folding steel chairs and he sat with me and hugged me and held me and I cried.

I cried pretty darned hard too because of it and because of how good it feels and how part of me I guess has aways felt like I was never going to really be Andi and I was just wasting everything and had wasted everything and that I was just well…well a lie.

I finally stopped and he looks at me. “Been hard huh?”

(Sniffle-nod.) Yeah my voice wasn’t working yet.

“So are you going to stay a while?”

(Sniffle.) “Okay…”

“Good, I’m Cade by the way.”

“Cade?”

“It’s short for Cadence, it’s a family name.”

(Sniffle.) “Military.”

“Yeah but not me.”

(Sniffle.) “What do you do?”

“I’m a mechanic mostly farm stuff though and I part time weld.”

I looked at him. “Part time weld?”

He smiles and again there was this little …oh.

Which feels awesome but it’s confusing as heck because if I was ever going to be with anyone ever again I had always well…I was sure I was a lesbian.

Cade was making that not so sure a thing.

“Believe me there’s a market for it, a lot of people will want something made or a part fixed and they just bring in those things and it’s sort of just a spot and go kind of thing.”

I nodded it wasn’t something that I was used to really but we had a shop that we sort of machined stuff we needed or tried to at the mill when I worked there.

He gave me another hug and said. “Bring your chair I have to get back to the grill.”

So I did.

And we talked.

And he cooked and fed people who he introduced me too…usually with… “Hey this is Andi and she brought pies.”

Getting introduced.

Getting gendered right.

Having people say my name with that lilt in the way that Andi is so different than Andi and having people just really seem to be okay with me?

I looked at Cade. “I wasn’t expecting people to be okay with me.”

He looked back at me. “We weren’t really until we had a bunch of bad things happen about fifteen years ago. There was a bad bunch around and they hurt a couple of gay girls and it went really south when a gay boy in junior high got beat and bullied so bad he committed suicide and there were a few other attempts that got admitted to with some of the people that were a whole part of the LGBT rainbow thing and people changed.”

“Then about eight years ago the mayor’s son came out too and then we have the local vet who moved here with her wife…” he pointed out this taller woman that was wearing a fire department shirt… “So people here kind of learned to be better at this sort of thing and y’know we’re actually listed as a nice place to visit with the apple blossoms coming in and some good B&B’s and stuff and that actually has brought some business too from word of mouth.”

I nodded as he plated me up a burger. “Okay so a small town the tolerance spread in the same way as a bad rumor might?”

Cade nodded. “Exactly, we’re a really small town and when you lose a kid or kids it really hits home here. It’s why I like it here. And in a sort of rough and tumble living town here like this our minister well he’s not really a whole gays and stuff are evil and fire and brimstone kind of person he’s more like the rest of us and give people a chance and they might surprise you sort of thing.”

I nodded and it went a long way to sooth a huge host of fears and apprehensions that I had had. It was like getting to let go a breath that I was holding.

And the people were just that people and they were nice and at the very least willing to give me a break that night and some were even friendly too.

And the food.

I’ve never had a Christmas BBQ.

The burger was on a pretzel bun and it was beef mixed with venison and just a little dollop of mincemeat from the jar and caramelized onions down with red pepper jelly and a slice of pepper jack cheese.

It was drool worthy.

And there was a smoked turkey and a honey smoked ham and walla-walla onions cut like a blooming onion but with Chai tea as the liquid for the batter and ribs on the bbq with a sauce that was made with cranberries and cinnamon but the rest just like any other sauce for the grill and other people had stuff like red and green stuffed mini bell peppers and Scalloped potatoes and coleslaw with chunks of red apple in it and toasted walnuts and roasted chestnuts but in a chipotle butter.

And the desserts were really great too.

I was stuffed and I talked and met people and a lot of that was talking about my house and what I’ve been doing and things and just being in a real life social situation as myself.

And there was some dancing.

And when the grilling was done Cade asked me to dance for real.

It was so nice too and my first dance was actually to *Rocking around the Christmas Tree.*

And it was so much fun even in my clunky snow boots.

It really made my night.

You ever hit that spot in transition when it’s good?

When you just hit it, that spot when you’re really doing this, when you’re really you and living it perfect or not and you do stuff like hug your pillow in a happy way.

It really made my week.

It really made me turn on happy Christmas music and let me forget a lot of hurt and let me dance around shaking my bottom dancing like a girl in my flannel Pj’s with little roses and candy canes on them.

It was so, so, so what I needed.

And later that week I was more than surprised when Cade called.

“Hello?” I was questioning more for the fact that I was being called? No one really calls me.

“Andi? It’s Cade.”

“Oh hi!” I sort of mouth slapped myself because that came out kind of excited.

“Hi I was wondering if you were available tonight?”

“Okay…sure…for….?”

“A date.”

I dropped my coffee travel mug and it was wow…and shock…

And Cade had to say. “Uhm…hello…Andi are you still there?”

So yes apparently you can go Voosh red-faced and embarrassed over a telephone without video.

“I…a…yes…” (Shocked small voice.)

“Yes you’re still there or yes to the date.”

“Both.” (Still small voiced.)

He chuckled with this sexy phone voice. “Dress warm I’ll pick you up.”

“Uhm…okay.”

I went through the girlvolutions with the clothes and warm? What did he mean by warm and I have nothing to wear and make-up and being giddy and scared all at the same time.

And the thing was I was still not sure of my sexuality or anything but goddarned it I wanted to go out on a date!

Cade picked me up.

It’s a small town and it’s pretty easy to know where everyone lives especially when you’re the fire chief.

And our first date was him taking me for hot dogs and hot cherry cool aid at the elementary school because they were having a Christmas movie night for the kids in town and the closest movie theater is an hour and a half away each way a couple of towns over and in the winter time…it’s just easier here with the schools video projection equipment and it was amazing.

Kids are sweet.

And Kids don’t care.

And I loved watching Despicable Me and Toy Story 3?

And the kids made the food, they had help but the made the food and that was hot dogs and French fries from the oven and Christmas punch which was Cherry cool aid with some cinnamon sticks and orange slices in a slow cooker.

And they made popcorn too.

And they were so proud.

I needed this; I needed this to recharge my soul y’know.

And it wasn’t a one shot thing.

Okay…it was so strange, it was sort of Cade and I just being friends and him inviting me to things when he could and it was off and on. But it was more than I hoped, it was more than I dreamed.

It was everything I needed and never dared to.

Going out on snowmobiles with people to a little lake where we had a charcoal grill with brauts and burgers and hot coco and we skated.

Or walking through town to look at the Christmas lights and talk.

I unloaded about going through all of this, transition and then Beth and the kids and just a huge unloading of life stuff. And Cade talks about his life and a few bad break ups and going to school at the University of Tampa.

“Tampa?”

“I wanted out of here really bad.”

“But you’re a mechanic now so what happened?”

“Drinking, parties…the girls I told you about, basically being young and small town enough to not see they and a lot of people I thought of as friends were there for my student loan money.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah…I was going to be a marine biologist, up here I could get a good job or as I though spend my days in scuba gear I nice places and live on a houseboat and all of that stuff.”

I laughed. “Oh I remember some of those things too.”

“Well I flunked and go a job at a garage and it all came from there…just a lot of humble pie between here and then.”

That was it…that date was walking, talking…going from gas station to gas station drinking coffee and even ending up sharing a box of caramel popcorn. I think we were going to do something but it was like suddenly…it was midnight.

Talking dates on the phone? Is that a date? Because some nights he was in the hall on dispatch.

I never knew 911 wasn’t universal that some of that was sent to a local dispatch call center.

Here that was the police station and there wasn’t enough people so Cade took two nights a week.

Talking all night.

TV shows mostly old stuff, food…he’s a really good sounding cook too, music…oh gosh we talked a lot about music.

Just talked.

Until it was close to dawn.

Like every time.

And I went to town more, I needed things but I...I actually got the cash to shock my face...and start doing it fairly regularly.

And well to see him, to feel human.

And Cade did that...he always surprised me by making time to do that.

I mean fire chief even in a small town and in a volunteer department was still a busy thing especially when there were so many camps, and homes that needed wood.

And some people with house trailers used wood…we lost one of those that winter.

Cade asked me to help out with things…I still had a house full of things and I had lots to give.

And people actually came together and lent time and tools and lumber…I literally seen a seventy year old man put his things in his son’s garage and tore out his baby-barn to give people working on their new house a place to get warm.

And the local motel waved the costs of the family staying there.

I worked my butt off…I honestly did with baking stuff at night but helping to build too, I really was not stepping on toes with my engineering I just really was happy helping out.

It felt good to be useful; it felt good to be doing things for others again.

And…

Oh when my hands were freezing and Cade gave me a mug of coffee and he held his hands over mine to warm them up better.

Stuff like that just…

Just like I was really me.

Like he could see me.

I think that New Year’s might have been a thing but unfortunately but not…?

The Fire fighters had a party all set up and everything and then there was a fire call a help request over in Morgan Valley one of the other small towns and a small fire department and there was a barn on fire that caught other things on fire and there was propane tanks.

They were out all night in the freezing cold.

Me and some of the others stayed actually there at our firehouse and listened to the goings on and things and we had all of the food reheated and lots of hot chocolate and coffee for when they got back tired and frozen at close to seven in the morning.

There wasn’t dancing or kisses but the looks of gratitude were still worth it.

And oh gods it was frustrating too.

Trying to get how I felt towards stuff in my head.

All my feelings I thought I knew, me and Beth…even after that…I thought that I was still going to be attracted to women.

I mean it was all there in my head.

But in real life?

Cade was pushing buttons, buttons that had never gotten teased at before.

And the hormones…they were really going full out.

Horny?

You betcha.

In ways that I didn’t think that were possible?

I mean things pretty much didn’t work…not that way, the way that they used to but after a day or evening with Cade I was feeling things I couldn’t place.

Not without going places.

And that was…

I had no idea how to be sexual without…y’know.

And the thought of sex was scary.

But I wanted something so bad sometimes.

Which was good and bad all at the same time.

It was a long, odd winter but it was good…I mean socially I wasn’t alone so much.

And I was out, out and able to be me.

Then spring came.

Oh dear lord.

I’d forgotten just how thick mosquitoes and black flies were in the woods…back in the sticks. Cutting wood way back and there was all the insect repellent and the oil and gas exhaust and the thick clothes.

And in a dress…oy…well that was an experience.

And nylons don’t stop bugs.

And after the weather turns there was getting the yard done, that was mowing things really, really short and putting down lots of grass seed, then there was planting my flower beds…I really wanted flower beds.

I got the barn re-organized and turned into my workshop.

That’s my new job…I’m a handilady and fixing things and then doing furniture restoring for myself and people dropped stuff off. Some to fix and some just donations. But I have a business.

Then I was getting the house painted.

I bought white for the trim and a lot of this nice stormy blue grey, I like the combination of the two together.

And Cade showed up.

(There was a definite inner happy there.)

I took off my work gloves. “Hey.”

I could feel my smile in my cheeks.

“Hey, I thought I heard you were going to paint this big ole place.”

“Yeah, it really needs it.”

He grins. “Want some help?”

“I’d love some.”

He brought a pressure washer he had for his shop and that mad things a lot easier.

And wetter.

And we ended up playing around and I was wet and he was wet and I knew he was staring at me…at my chest…my nipples were sticking out from the cold water.

And I was staring at him and his chest, those muscles, the way he was shaped…

It’s was just so stunningly obvious that I was never that.

Never a guy.

And…then.

He took his shirt off.

And for a second I thought it was just that, because guys go shirtless…and then there was another second where I was very much enjoying that scene and then it was fast and quick and Cade stepped forward and he kissed me.

He kissed my stunning me to breathlessness.

To my heart taking flight in my chest, He was kissing me.

Not who I was pretending to be.

Me.

Then Cade said. “I needed to kiss you.”

“W..why?”

“Because I like you Andi.”

“But why?”

“Why do I need a why, you’re wonderful.”

(Whiney-sniffle.) “I am?”

He smiled at me. “Yeah…I have thought really of anyone else since we met.”

“But…But…”

“You have a cute butt.”

I vooshed red.

“I’m not…”

“Andi how many times have we been out?”

“I…I don’t know…maybe a dozen?”

“And you haven’t figured out that we have something going on?”

“I…”

“Andi…” He reached out and took my face in his hands and he kissed me.

And he stole my breath.

And he kissed me deeper.

And things just sort of changed…?

It was like with all of the things that were in my head, all of the objections that were there looking for a reason no matter how dumb…it’s like I could see them all tied up with my self-esteem and my depression and all those years of Not been my real self…those things were hanging on harder to the possibility of pain and failure than taking a chance.

Like a hundred percent clear.

Almost like when I faced my decision to actually do this and transition.

I wanted out of the shadows of my past; I’d been hiding myself for so long that it was the first reaction that I had.

I didn’t even know what I was doing with this, with Cade and I but I wanted this.

Light, heat, warmth, being someone worth just being with.

And that kiss…those kisses were not disappointing.

Soft and slow and really intense.

Just so very close, I know that kisses are up close but having someone cradle your face in their hands and kiss you like that over and over sort of shutting out the rest of the world.

That’s close.

And my arms went up and around his neck and I leaned on him and I vooshed so red again as Cade must of read my arms going up as lift my shirt off.

(Blush-biting lower lip) But I went with it.

Just me in my bra and in the air and wet and pointy and there’s more kissing…and then we’re I was walking backwards and up and into the house.

It was steamy, it was so hot and fevered and I was so on fire like all my nerves were turned on and all of my senses were female and into guys…or at least into real guys and it was like I couldn’t control my hands.

What I hated on myself was really working for him…for me liking those things about him.

Stumbling up stairs.

I groaned loudly when his fingers slide through my hair…it was long enough to do that and no one had ever done that, not with my length, not like they were supposed to.

Into my bedroom and bra off.

I swear…there is this super erotic air shock when your breasts are need achy and your nipples are hard that you get that’s kind of cry-out worthy in that super horny first touch of air thing.

I whined a lot, moaned a lot that afternoon…he had condoms and I had lotion and we really didn’t think it through or plan for it and it hurt…it hurt at first and then there was me fighting this kernel of anti-gay stuff in my head left over from my old life.

There was some lip biting, some near tears from shame but Cade’s touch…the way he held me, the tuck and touch of my hair out of my face, his mouth loving my breasts.

And then it was sex…it was kind of mechanical for the first while it felt odd and awkward and the it slowly actually became less about what part of me that he was inside and more about that we were actually being together.

I sort of unwound some and he sank in deeper and it began to feel better…then he pulled my legs up to his hips and I wrapped them around his waist and it sort of clicked things a bit more.

And I went to this place, sort of with him but sort of fantasy too that it was something else, the other kind of sex…and then to my limited knowledge of porn.

Yeah I went there…but…there are women that like that…and then there’s the gay thing and all the stuff sort of related to that…I thought…people make love like this all the time...

And that kind of relaxed me I think enough in my head that near the end of it when Cade was moving so strongly in through me and making love to me that it felt better, than good and then when he was finishing…and I could feel all this heat?

There was this few seconds if this small but really powerfully little stiffy before I popped.

Popping wasn’t the same it was different…less for sure but the feelings were longer and more intense…spread out? I could sort of feel it this post sexy sort of hum inside of me afterwards from my breasts down though my insides to my sore bottom.

We were pressed together and I happy cried and then had this we’re sticky together because of that dysphoria hit and I started to cry and Cade didn’t move instead he pulled me into his arms and let me cry some more of the pain out.

I think I cried for a few hours and then we got cleaned up and I made a quick meatloaf and put it in the oven with baked potatoes and we started to work at stripping all of the old paint and off the house.

And talking.

And actually talking about the sex and what just happened and the fact that we’re both new to it…no he’d never been with a woman like me or with a woman period in that way and how good it was and how messy it was and more on how good it was…

And that he liked the way I moved, and smelled and looked at him and touched him.

Cade actually made me blush a few times…I think it had been quite a while for him too.

He also made me feel sexy.

Pretty and wanted.

Even if it was just by him.

After being alone and really feeling unwanted and unloved and unlovable that was something my soul needed to feel.

We only got another side of the house done before I asked him to go to town and get some things from the pharmacy. (Blush.)

I took the time to actually go clean up the bed and look online and call Cade for a few more things and to remake the bed.

I was so nervous and excited.

My body wanted more…more release and more contact and being touched and it wanted it in the way that you sort of do when there’s all those new hormones running through you in the whole second and fixed teenaged years.

I did the things even though they were really embarrassing and freaking me out a little but also I did other things like a really quick wash and dry of my hair and some perfume and make-up and I lit a few tea light candles.

And we ended up dancing first.

Which was so good because we were both really wound up and nervy.

Sex just happening and the heat of the moment is a whole lot different than actually planning and having an intimate encounter.

We danced to some music he brought with him out of his truck.

The fact our musical tastes cross is something I’ve always liked actually.

And it was so nice dancing to….

*I’ll have to say I love you in a song* Which is Jim Croce…I love his songs I always did.

And *Wonderful Tonight* Which I used to listen to and I used to dream about it being sung about me a lot in that hazy daydreamy way.

Then Cade actually sings along with as he dances with me *Angel Eyes* That soft song that Jeff Healey used to sing.

He sang to me as we danced.

And it was just the two of us in my room but still.

It left me never-ever-breathless.

Crying as I kissed him.

Smiling as I undressed him and knelt down.

Yes…yes I did that…I wanted to, there was something about that that honestly I wanted to do and yes to partially to compensate for my transness.

It wasn’t that bad…and then when he could we made love.

We both knew a bit more and I was clean and we had proper slippery stuff and we took our time.

It was so good…because we took our time and Cade didn’t rush things and I didn’t care to be rushed and he did amazing things and touches and lovemaking to the rest of me when he’d slow down and rest…just moving enough to stay solid.

It probably didn’t last and hour but it felt like three times that…and after it I still cried and he still held me for the same reasons but in different mixes and measures.

And then he did something that totally changed us.

He held me close and he stayed the night.

And yeah I cried.

I cried because it was all feeling right.

Held, made love to, treated like I have always felt.

And the release.

The release of all that self-loathing and loneliness.

The joy of not being alone.

I mean the physical stuff was wonderful…well it was better than before but him being there and staying and me not being alone.

It was worth a hundred times what the sex had been like.

And he stayed.

Cade stayed the weekend helping me with the house, making love, eating food and painting…well he left twice because of fire calls but he was right back after those because the fire department is also the first responders and well he’s always going to get calls like that but it was just.

It was amazing.

And we sort of stayed like that…not together but together, dating and home dates too.

Home dates are actually awesome, it’s things that I missed and never got…Well sort of but not as me.

Not sitting on the couch eating kettle made popcorn we made together or pizza from scratch and watching movies together.

And Cade grabbing a blanket to be all awesome and snuggly and letting me squirm my feet under his knees.

We’d date once a week during the week and unless he was on call at the station we would spend the weekend together.

My place or even sometimes his place.

I liked his place even if it was kind of a man cave. It was a nice little brick bungalow with a covered deck styled porch and a really big garage and it was pretty clean but in that guy sort of sparse way…well other than the man-cave toys.

Actually we watched movies at his place more than mine since he had the big flatscreen TV and the surround sound.

But we were creeping into each other’s lives more and more.

We got together in the start of May and by July he bought a new queen sized bed and nice sheets and comforters and more me friendly stuff.

And he got a few drawers in one of my dressers and he moved some clothes in and his shaving and toiletries in…like bought things to actually have here.

And we did stuff together.

Like mowing my lawn together…it’s a big lawn…and we always barbequed those days. Or he’d bring his laundry out to my house because it was just so we could be together…and well I have a really big clothesline.

We put my garden in together…forty feet long and the same wide with five rows of potatoes and beans both yellow and green and squash and turnip and other things too.

We were going steady.

I was in a relationship again.

Which was really, really good.

Because Beth moved and sold our old house, she met someone and she moved to Nevada and she had gotten married.

Samantha told me, she had slowly started to talk more.

Because she and her mom had a falling out.

Because our daughter was a lesbian.

And that didn’t go over too well with Beth.

I didn’t get the specifics but she sort of blamed me, then the military and I guess she was mean to Jasmine Samantha’s partner.

So that sort of got us talking more.

A bit of Facebook and stuff.

I was really happy over that.

I was still a little lost/hurt in how I still felt about Beth.

Sometimes you can’t stop ever loving your first love even though it’s over, even though they’re not really the person that you fell so deeply in love with.

Sometimes you can’t…and sometimes they’ll change on you in a way that you’d never expect.

And honestly if I never had Cade there I likely would have spiraled into a seriously dark mood.

He kept my spirits up right up until.

The middle of August.

And he took me to Boston.

And it was my first time there as me and we were going overnight and we were going to do some sightseeing and some shopping and he had this smile on his face.

“Why are you so happy?” I looked at him.

“Lobster.”

“Okay, we’ve had Lobster before.” And we had and clams too, Cade had cousins near the water and they came to visit once in a while and they always brought a big cooler of stuff.

“Yeah but this is different hon, this time we’re invited.”

“Oh?...you know people here too?”

“One or two but you actually know two people.”

“I know two people?”

I was thinking and trying to figure out who and everything as we were driving through the city and Boston’s big but not that big if you’ve been there before and we were soon pulling into Dorchester…South Boston area and down a few side streets and I was lost…well not lost but it was all new to me.

We pull into a house’s driveway and it’s a nice place a brick split level with that heavy enameled concrete trim done up like outside moldings and a brick drive way and a nice medium yard for the city and the thing that made the house really nice was a brick walled car port that was really made right because the whole roof of the house and the carport was one piece.

(Sorry engineer…add ons are usually bad if they try and just joint on without unity in something like the roof.)

There was a nice Landrover in here and a car with a budget rent a car sticker on it and we stop and get out and I can smell the lobsters…and some other things and a door in the back of the carport opens from what looks like the back yard and there’s this Chinese girl there and she ducks away.

I stopped and I kind of started to smile because I thought I knew where I was but at the same time.

“This is Sam and Jasmine’s house isn’t it? When did they move up here?”

He smiled and he got our things from the truck. “Well it was supposed to be a surprise.”

“I’m surprised…this, this is wonderful.” I leaned over and passed all of the stuff in his arms and I kissed him and then took some of the things and we head through the door and it’s a nice back yard pretty big for the city and there was a really nice big and shiny stainless steel grill there and pots on the gas burners and I saw Samantha there in an old service tank and cut off shorts and her partner there and with her was…

Scott was there…both my kids were there.

I couldn’t help it but start to get all choked up at seeing them and getting invited down here.

I looked at Cade. “We…they…they invited us?”

He nods and this time he leans over and he kissed me.

In front of them all.

And me…getting kissed like a woman…in front of my kids.

I Voosh blush.

And then Scott and Samantha are there talking our stuff and then they’re hugging me.

Actually hugging me.

And they both smile and say while they’re doing it…

“Happy Birthday Mom.”

(Heart-breaking-sobby-messy-tears.)

Mom…and they…they still love me…and I…I have a family again.