Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 10

*Before…

I stare tears starting in the mirror and my hair’s awful and I’m not wearing make-up and thankfully I’m not hairy faced or have like shaving/beard shadow yet so I look like what I guess is what a lot of girls my age might sort of look like before they got their curves.
I look like Sarah, I look like I need a lot of work and getting this yet but just like this right now I’m looking at the right me, the real me.
The girl that can look in the mirror and not have it hurt.
And god oh god does it ever feel amazing for that to just feel like that and not hurt.

*And Now…

Mom comes over and she gives me a hug and then there’s this moment where it’s different sure but it’s not that much of a difference. You can see we’re related and you can see that there’s parts of us that are really similar.

Or I could just be psyching myself up for this.

I’m not sure but I think that I see what I’m seeing.

I see Mom looking at me too in the mirror with her and it’s all really intense and maybe scary…but it’s really intense like when you are like set on something.

She then does this nod. “Okay hair next, let’s get you into the chair and next to the sink.”

“Oh good a chair.”

“Oh crud sorry honey are you okay?”

“No…yeah…? It’s really achy when I’m on my feet too long and stuff.”

Truth is there’s this knot of muscles in my lower back that feel like someone has two fistfuls of the muscles there and is twisting them and it’s like all tugging on my spine.

“Here, sit, sit jeeze you can’t push it Sarah you have to tell me these things.”

“Okay…it’s just hurting some.”

“Some, well hurting some isn’t aching.” She’s giving me this look and it’s concerned but it’s stern too. Like it’s nothing to mess with…I gave the feeling that she’s a pretty tough customer my Mom.

I sit and she passes me my tea which is kind of lukewarmish now but I drink it anyway and she rubs my back.

“Oh…”

“Better?”

I nod. “Sitting down helps and the heat feels really good.”

She nods and looks at me. “Okay hair later you need a nap first.”

“Mom…I think I’ve slept enough.”

“Nope, comas aren’t sleep, c’mon you need a break we can work on your hair and stuff when you wake up.”
(Sigh) “Okay…but it just feels like sleep’s the last thing that I want right now.”

“And I get that but even just laying down will help.”

I nod. “Okay, lying down sounds okay.”

She helps me get up and we take a look through the things again and I pick out an oversized nightshirt with a sort of stormy blue grey to it and it’s definitely cut for a girl it’s not a boy’s shirt and then a pair of sweat pants and they’re…wow…they’re so soft.

And warm even though they’re kind of light or they feel sort of light and you know? Dressed and out of the hospital stuff makes me feel better.

Dad’s just coming back from wherever as we’re getting out of the bathroom and he smiles at me for a second going. “Looking better…okay what’s wrong?”

“Her back.”

“Right gotcha, no pushing it kiddo.”

I roll my eyes. “You guys.”

Dad laughs. “Oh definitely my teenaged daughter with the eye roll.”

I actually almost do it again before catching myself and give him the side eye.

“That’s a stereotype dad.”

He actually chuckles. “Yeah well Sarah some of them are true, you get that from your mom.”

“I do?”

“Oh she was an expert at it in college.”

Mom’s like. “If I didn’t do that or something I swear that sometimes I’d have slapped some people.”

Dad’s nodding but I’m just sort of looking at her with a huh?

He’s smiling. “you mom used to wait tabled in the café in the student union and she was one of the best there so they didn’t fire her but she was really well known for not taking BS or putting up with stupid people.”

And I’m like. “But it’s college?”

And Mom looks at me. “Exactly you’d think that there would be a standard and there is sort of but there’s also viral-clique-mutations.”

I look at her.

“Assh…okay all the rich kids you don’t like usually go to college and the thing is it’s not just the ones in your school but all the people like them and worse going to that school and once they’re there they exude the stench of massed privilege like a mating pheromone and they congregate in groups….groups of all those people that you couldn’t stand…with alcohol.”

I look at her. “Okay wow you really were not part of the popular crowd huh?”

She looks at me. “No they made my life a living hell.”

I bite my lip and I lean forward and take her arm and I pull her in to sit on the bed and I give her a hug. “Well I think you’re okay and I’ll likely need the experience when people find out.”

She looks down at me and her eyes soften and get all moist looking and we hug. It’s so strange getting to know her like this but at the same time it’s amazing too because just how many kids can say that they get their folks like this and get that they’re like us…screwed up and a mess in their own ways.

“I like this Mom.”

“Like what…”

“This…we’re close now…and it’s just more…right?”

She nods. “It’s different; it’s a lot different Sarah.”

We’re hugging pretty tightly when the lady from the food services comes in with breakfast and I’m still trying to decide whether or not to ask if that different is good or a bad thing?

Well it’s bound to be different really and she’s likely dealing with this too.

I want to say something but I don’t.

The odd little lump though inside kind of feels like this isn’t something new to me.

Breathe Sarah…

Mom does give me a bit more of a squeeze though before she helps me get things in order so they can set down my food tray.

Tea, orange juice, more cream of wheat (Yarf…) and a slice of whole wheat toast and a packet of peanut butter. And as unappetizing as it sounds I eat it all and savor the peanut butter on the toast just enjoying chewing sort of.

Dad looks at me and chuckles. “What’s that look for?”

“The toast is soggy; it’s so soggy that it’s likely why I’m allowed to have it because I’m not sure that it’s a solid.”

He’s has a half smile on his face and takes a drink of his drink. “Hospital food’s designed to make you want to get up and get better faster just to get something to eat.”

“I’m better take me home.”

“No…not quite there kiddo.”

I pout and take another bite of peanut butter mush toast, chew then hold my hands up lamely and ironically say. “Yay…”

He chuckles and I see Mom smile too at me so the different might not be too bad after all…so maybe different is like just different?

The food though the food hits me about the time that I’m done my tea and the yawns turned really fast into the blinks and then the head nods and then I was out like a light.

They’re both still there when I wake up but they’re asleep and Mom’s in Dad’s lap and arms and he’s sort of stretched out in the chair with his feet up on the side of my bed and I smile and just watch they for a minute and take it all in.

I honestly think that I’d like that, that curled up on someone’s lap being held and made safe. It has this sort of wistful kind of sigh quality for me really.

Yes it’d definitely be nice.

I watch for a little bit more before I get my tablet and put on my earphones and start going through things listening to the music I have downloaded and reading things that I’ve blogged about and saved not just there on my Live Journal but like just in general and there’s some things that I’m getting.

I like anime and manga but not as much as some of my friends it’s kind of like something I learned to love. I like old rock like from the 60’s to like the 80’s and 90’s and I listen to girl bands too. I like Vixen it seems and Heart and The Go-Go’s and The Corrs and Alanis, Nora Jones, Amy Winehouse and Adele as well as a lot of girl sort of R&B stuff…and apparently I have a YouTube Channel where all this is at too so I go to it through the links and listen as I read.

And sort of gently bed bop a little.

I think that I might like dancing?

Anything, every little bit is a bit more of me I think that I’m re-building or getting back.

I eventually read through a whole lot of the posts and stuff on my Journal and I screw up the courage and I start to type a new entry.

“Hey…I’ve been gone a long time right? Well a lot’s happened to me and I guess I better explain what had happened. I was with my guy-mode friends and one of then just got his license and we were doing stuff…I can’t remember what yet but we had a major car wreck and I was the only one that got out of it.”

“I nearly died and am still in the hospital. Then thing is they had to cut my skull open or something because I had like major swelling on my brain. And it’s so very, very bad fiction but I was in a coma…and I can’t remember anything.”

“Yeah it’s pretty much all gone and I’ve found myself here in this journal and with all of you…and even with my memory gone…guess what? I’m still trans. So I guess I’m still Sarah. And I’m like out to my folks.”

“I sort of had a major PTSD freak out inside the Scanner-coffin thing and I…Sarah came out during my panic attack. Thankfully my folks seem to be cool about it. The whole thing though is really scary and really messed up. I think so for all of us.”

“Well that’s about it for now, I really can’t think of much else to say or cover right now.”

I read it twice and then I hit post and I sit back and switch over to my You Tube to watch some videos and as I’m doing so I’m getting pings to my g-mail with replies to my post.

I’m really nervous as I click it over and start to read them.