Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 9

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Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 9

*Before…

He passes Mom’s hers and she does the exact almost same thing as I did and he picks up some bags from the floor that he brought in from Sears and Walmart and sets them on the bed.

“Your Mom and I agree that until you get home and can go through your things that I’d best make a pit stop for a few things for you so here you go. Now your Mom picked the sizes and hell she picked out most of this and sent me pics of what to get on the phone so if it doesn’t fit blame her. And the rest is stuff that I picked out.”

Oh…oh wow I look in the bags and it’s clothes and things and I can see packages of underwear and stuff and I look and look and look then I look at him and I look at her and I bite my lip.

“I…I don’t know if I’ve ever dressed like this before...”

*And Now…

Mom looks at me and she smiles. “Well we can relearn it all and I can learn what it’s like to actually teach my daughter how to do all of the stuff that she needs to know how to do.”

“Really?”

She nods. “I’m going to be as new at this as you in that way, there’s just stuff that I do that I don’t really even think about.”

“Okay that makes sense.”

I sort of fist the plastic and stare at the things inside while chewing at the inside of my cheek.

I look at Dad.

He’s sipping his coffee and raises an eyebrow.

Oh…

Wow…coming out and stuff is nerve wracking and I look at him and take a pretty deep breath.

“Can…can I go and get changed Dad?”

He nods and he’s chuckling. “Sure…like I really have a choice?”

I’m blushing because that’s something that sort of just didn’t occur that would be a thing.

“Sorry I didn’t know…I mean with me being and this being all new.”

He kisses my cheek. “Okay, got it. Go on go be dazzling.”

It’s hard not to be super excited and all or well except for like the ow’s and my other aches.

But I hug him anyways.

I look at mom and she takes our teas and she goes into the bathroom with me as I take the bags and she snags the tablet and as we’re setting my things out as best as we can with the tiny corner sink I’m getting more excited.

Soaps and body wash and shaving cream and razors and all these things that I know, that I actually know and not like in this sort of I can identify what they are but I’m not sure if I’ve ever used them but I know them.

It’s really surreal actually.

Mom gets some music on and it’s girl stuff this Natasha Beddingfield or someone and we get started with me taking a shower.

And shaving… I’m honestly surprised that I’m not shaking and everything with how excited I am about this. It’s not the fact that I’m shaving or that it’s considered like feminine it’s shaving off part of this identity that I woke up in and wasn’t really me.

Mom’s asking. “How’s it going?”

“Okay, I haven’t cut myself yet.”

“Just go slow.”

“Yup.”

“Get your legs wet first.”

“I know.”

“Really?”

“That much is pretty easy Mom.”

“Well okay but shave down go with the grain of the hairs.”

“Huh?”

“Shave downwards towards your toes; don’t go over the places that you shaved with the razor again trying for smoother.”

“Okay…why not?”

“You’ll get razor burn and blotches and it increases the chance you’ll get of ingrown hairs.”

“Oh…those sound bad.”

“They are. They’re like pimples but they can be worse and they hurt.”

“Oh…well that sounds like a lot of yuck….ow!”

“Cut yourself?”

“Yeah…”

“Bad?”

“No…but ow.”

“Be careful go slowly.”

“Okay.”

I get that done and then it’s the pits and no matter what some people are saying about stuff like that yeah there is something for me that is very important with all of this and getting rid of that and I’m really careful there too.

“Mom?”

“Yes Sarah?”

Gosh I love hearing that a lot.

My name.

“Why aren’t we using Veet or Nair?”

“Well I’m allergic it breaks me out pretty bad and stuff so I didn’t want to chance you having that happen either so we’re going to shave until we get home and we can maybe do a little test spot sometime.”

“Oh…thanks.”

“No problem, see I know things.”

I smile even as I’m rinsing off. “I know and I’m really, really glad.”

I stare down.

I take a breath and I take the razor and I trim…no I’m not crazy and tempted to like cut it off or stuff like that I get that that’s bad and stupid and dangerous it’s just as much as I hate the damned thing…I want the thicket…hedge trimmed before I get into my underwear.

It’s…

It’s pretty effing eeew.

I mean it’s just hair but its pubes and its boy part pubes and I know it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense but I’m trying really hard to keep my feet away from the trimmed hairs as they go down the drain.

I do feel better though as I’m done and then Mom’s going over the stuff with the body washes and stuff and it’s…it’s a body feel thing but I’m pretty sure that this is my first time doing this with one of those shower puffs and it smells amazing.

It’s Dove body wash and it just sort of has this kind of fresh smell and there’s also this feeling too of that whole lotion thing that you see them talking about on the TV and I can really feel the moisturizers sinking in almost as my skin has been in well coma mode for months and months.

And there’s this…I did this…I think I used to do this it feels familiar.

“Mom…did you have this stuff at home?”

“What stuff?”

“The body wash.”

“Yes.”

“I think I used it.”

“Really how can you tell?”

“The way my skin feels it feels like familiar or something.”

“That could be what they call body memory.”

“Oh…okay like that’s a thing?”

“I think it’s a thing. It’s like doing stuff so much it’s like ingrained into you.”

“Oh…okay.”

“You say that a lot Sarah.”

“What.”

“Oh-okay…you say that a lot.”

“Well I’m in the shower it’s not like you can see me shrug Mom; a whole lot of all of this is like taking this all as it comes.”

I finish showering and Mom passes me towels and then foot covers because well I’m not wearing socks yet and well…hospital floors. She smiles at me and she takes out some of the underwear out of the package.

“I normally would never do this right out of the package unless it was an emergency, I always wash them first but this will have to do for now.”

I nod as she passes me a set of panties.

She says. “Now I have no idea about how you need to go about doing what you need to do but we can look that up later.”

“Mom…can you pass me my tablet?”

“Okay…” She hands it to me and I go onto my LJ account and I look through my tags and I find ‘Tips for trans.’ And I click onto that and there’s all of the posts that I made or put up or saved about all sorts of things for being trans and passing and tucking and I read that part and re-read it before passing it back to Mom and I take my time and tuck getting the ‘placement’ right and then slip the panties on.

They’re nothing fancy and they’re just kind of simple cotton ones with white and a few little flowers on them that I think are cornflowers? And daisy’s and are just cute and they seem like a regular cut and they feel alright.

Not familiar though.

I step out and try to see myself in the mirror. “I…I don’t think that I dressed before now.”

Mom’s reading my LJ since I passed it to her and she looks up. “Wow…that actually looks kind of alright.”

“Kind of?”

“Honestly?”

I nod.

“It’s really strange for me seeing you in girl mode. I’ve never really seen this before with you.”

“I…I think it’s my first time.”

“I think we’ll have to buy you one of these gaff things.”

I nod. “Okay but I don’t have a clue where.”

She’s gone back to reading and she passes me a bra. “You need help?”

“I think I might.” I’m working at the box and getting it out and she sets the tablet down and she stands up to help me with it.

There’s gel inserts too and they have this sort of sticky side on the underside that’s like that weird jelly stuff on lint rollers that doesn’t really stick so much as grip and it’s a sort of training bra like of deal but by the time she shows me how to get it on and get it adjusted she makes me do it a few times so I have it down and I don’t have the flexibility with my back as messed up as it is and have to do it in front around my waist and then turn it around and pull it up and then put the inserts in.

The bra’s just a sort of light tope and plain but in it and with the inserts and the shape, even as not real curves are still a factor there’s this just right minus there and the right add up here and the shape.

It’s like the sharp jagged screws that were slowly being turned into me whenever I’d get a dysphoria twinge just like back off…like there’s this pressure and pain at not being right that’s not gone…but lessened so much as to be not really a huge thing compared to what I’ve been feeling.

I stare tears starting in the mirror and my hair’s awful and I’m not wearing make-up and thankfully I’m not hairy faced or have like shaving/beard shadow yet so I look like what I guess is what a lot of girls my age might sort of look like before they got their curves.

I look like Sarah, I look like I need a lot of work and getting this yet but just like this right now I’m looking at the right me, the real me.

The girl that can look in the mirror and not have it hurt.

And god oh god does it ever feel amazing for that to just feel like that and not hurt.

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Comments

I need to lose 50 pounds more...

.....to see something recembling "me" in the mirror :-)
But I will try :-)
I tried to use corsets to gain that hourglass shape... Killed 4 of them :-(
Very close to start designing my own brand as soon as I will get enough free time :-)

baby steps...

as mom and her ease into things. so begins the learning curves.
good chapter, thanks

That bittersweet moment when

That bittersweet moment when the dichotomy of how one is and should be start merging... the wrongness glares so obviously in the light of self-actualization. Such sweetness comes with finally feeling real, dark bitterness following as ones senses are reminded invariably that there is still something desperately wrong. Dysphoria; a descriptive word which definition I feel is simply not strong enough in encompassing the reality.

I wonder how many more self-mutilations there might be were the ill-matched genitals material not needed for correction. *smh*

I really hope that the support Sarah's parents are giving brings freedom from the angst transition often brings. Wonder and joy at the momentous changes in ones life are so essential for simple sanity, sometimes.

Another awesome chapter, Hon. Thank you so much for sharing this.

*Ginormous Hugs*
Jenna

I got this flashback during

I got this flashback during the previous chptr. to
some of my attempts to come out..what a big difference in one's development if; one is fortunate to have a loving accepting enviroment!

alissa