The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2249 by Angharad Copyright © 2013 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

I was very tired when we got to bed and slept like a log, I didn’t even wake for a wee as I usually do when I drink tea last thing. I awoke when the alarm went off and noticed I was alone–Simon had gone back to work. I heard the radio say what day it was but I wasn’t listening and it didn’t register. For two pins I could easily have switched off the radio and gone back to sleep. I was rested but not restored.

Conscience got the better of me and I crawled out of bed into the bathroom and after my ablutions and shower, crawled back into the bedroom and started untangling my hair. I only had a towel wrapped round me when Danielle came in.

“Mummy, can I like, do something today?”

“Such as?”

“Go for a walk.”

“Have you done the deed?”

“What–had a poo?”

I rolled my eyes, “No, dilated.”

“Yeah, I shoved it in last night and slept with it in all night, had three sexy dreams and am now pregnant, carrying a two pound plastic foetus.”

“Are you taking the mickey, young lady?”

“Nah, wouldn’t dream of it with my super smart, Mum.”

“I have an idea of what you could do.”

“Oh good, something nice, I hope.”

“Yes, the homework you didn’t finish before you went to see Pia.”

“Can I go and see Pia?”

“That might be difficult.”

“You won’t let me, you mean?”

“No, she’s still in custody as far as I know.”

“Wossat mean?”

“She was arrested for her assault on you.”

“What assault?”

“I’d have said that attacking someone with a scalpel and removing their gonads and most of their wedding tackle, is assault. You could have died from blood loss.”

“It wasn’t part of the plan, but I guess it was always a bit of a risk.”

“What plan?”I was horrified. Did my son actually set this up to jump the queue for surgery? I doubt it, he’s not clever enough. “You mean you planned all this?”

She blushed, “Um–not quite. He was supposed to knock me out and chop off my balls.”

“You were going to allow a total amateur castrate you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I was.”

“Well, Danielle, you’re more stupid than I thought.”

“It worked didn’t it?”

“Only just and it could just as easily not worked.”

“But it did.”

“I hope you realise you could quite easily have lost your penis completely.”

“Isn’t that the idea?”

“It is where the bits left over can be grafted into the new arrangement, being inverted to form a vagina.”

“Well that’s what happened, I’d call that a result.”

“Only because Mr O’Rourke was in the vicinity and was able to operate almost immediately. Promise me you’ll never do anything like that again.”

“Not unless it grows back, Mummy.”

“Have you dilated?”I asked because it’s easier to do with an empty bowel.

“Yes,” she sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Are you wearing false eyelashes, young lady?”

“Who me?”she batted them at me.

“Where did you get those?”

“At the salon.”

“The hotel one?”

“Like I spend all my time finding new ones?”

“There is no need to be cheeky, young lady.”

She blushed, “I’m sorry.”

“So how did you get them from the salon–did you buy them?”

“Um–no, Auntie Stella got them for me.”

“She bought you false eyelashes?”

“And adhesive.”

“Oh don’t forget the adhesive.”

“You can’t or they won’t stick.”

“I’m well aware of that.”

“You’ve worn falsies?”

“Yes and false eyelashes.”

“Kewel or what?”

“What is?”

“My mum has worn falsies and false eyelashes.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“C’mon, Mummy, spill the beans.”

“Oh alright then. I was still in school but being increasingly humiliated by Mr Murray the headmaster.

“He didn’t like you did he?”

“The understatement of the last century.”

“Well he didn’t did he?”

“No he did not, and I reciprocated that feeling.”

“Wossat mean, recip–whatevered?”

“Returned it to him.”

“Oh.”

“It could be said that we hated each other on sight.”

“I thought you said you didn’t hate anyone?”

“I suppose I don’t really.”

“Even old Murray?”

“Even him.”

I went into a short reverie thinking about when he saw me breastfeeding Cate and almost had a stroke. I felt myself smirking, I’d not seen him except at Mr Whitehead’s funeral.”

“You telling me about you wearing false eyelashes, Mummy.”

I came back to the present with a bit of a bump. “Oh, was I?”

“Yes you were.”

“Oh yeah, it was about the time of the Lady Macbeth thing, and he made me wear a bright pink scrunchie in my long hair to embarrass me. I used to do all sorts of things as well to get my own back.”

“Like what, Mummy?”

“I grew my nails and painted them.”

“An’ you wore false eyelashes?”

“It was Siá¢n who encouraged me, so she’d help me wear mascara or eyeliner–not every day, but once or twice a week. I’d got my ears pierced so I wore ear studs–usually pretty ones.”

“An’ you wore false eyelashes as well?”

“Yeah, top and bottom ones.”

“You can get bottom ones as well?”

“You could, I don’t know if they do them now, I mean these days you can get semi permanent ones they superglue on in ones and twos.”

“They put superglue on your eyes–yuck–isn’t that like dangerous?”

“It shouldn’t be in the hands of a capable beautician.”

“Can I have permanent ones, some time?”

“Not while you’re in school, you’d look like a hooker.”

“During the school holidays–then?”

“Possibly, they cost quite a lot to do.”

“Oh, do they?”

“Yes, thirty or forty pounds and they could irritate your eyes.”

“I’d still like to try them sometime.”

“Speak to Julie, she might be able to tell you a bit more about them.”

“Oh yeah, I forget that she and Pheebs are beauticians.”

She batted her eyelashes at me before asking, “What happened when you wore them to school, the false eyelashes?”

“I got sent home to take them off and the makeup I was wearing, it was a bit over the top. I can remember Murray saying to me now, ‘Watts, if you’re going to look like a trollop I’m not sure this school is an appropriate place to continue your education. I don’t want you corrupting the juniors.’ So I went home and took it off, and painted my nails a bright pink to match my scrunchie instead.”

“Wick-ed,” she said.

“I suppose in my own way, I was a bit of a rebel.”

“A bit, Mummy, you were totally radical.” With that she ran off and I wasn’t sure if I’d been paid a compliment or an insult. I hoped it was the former, I suspected it was. When I got downstairs Danni was still talking with Julie and Phoebe.

“I agree with Mummy, you’re two young for eyelash extensions. You’ll look like a tart.”

“Well Mummy used to wear false eyelashes to school.”

“Don’t be daft, she wasn’t allowed to wear makeup in school.”

“She just told me she did. She got sent home to remove it and painted her nails instead.”

“But she went to a boy’s school.”

“So, Murray mint, the headmaster, used to try and humiliate her because she had long hair and looked like a girl.”

“Yeah, we know.”

“It’s true, ask her?”

“Yeah, later,” she left grabbing her sandwich box accompanied by Phoebe who clutched hers to her side. Danni was left looking confounded.