This episode begins near the end of December in the year 2269 during a much needed period of relaxation and recreation for Captain T when suddenly…
“Calling Captain T! Calling Captain T” crackled a voice from the video comm-link. Panic marred the otherwise lovely face of the person speaking. The shock of orange hair waving frantically from the top of his head. It was Devine Tension of the Mauve Council.
Recapping the nail polish bottle, Captain T frowned as he spun in his command chair and with the pad of his finger pressed a button to open the comm-link.
“Captain T here sweetie. What’s up, hun? You caught me in the middle of doing my nails,” said Captain T, his thick blonde mane of hair cascading about the red satin cape hanging from his shoulders.
“Thank the goddess you’re there!”, squealed Devine, the orange haired member of the Mauve Council. “The Council has just…oh, and I must say you look just absolutely fabulous, Captain T! Anyway, the Council has issued a double fuchsia alert! We need your help. Oh, I just love that nail color, by the way.”
Captain T sat bolt up-right in his command chair, his golden locks falling across his face. With a flip of his head to toss the hair back, he said, “By the goddess! A double fuchsia alert? What dire event is upon us? And thank you sweetie. You’re looking totally de-lish as usual. I really love your hair.”
“The Testosterone Triad! They have escaped and are amassing a fleet manned by the most gorgeous hunks you’ve ever seen!” Devine gasped, her orange hair standing on end.
“Escaped? But how?” shouted Captain T. “We had them trapped on Planet Viagra!” The Testosterone Triad is three of the most notorious and hunky chunks of beef cake in the galaxy, the sworn enemy of the Mauve Council. Johnson, Rod and Wang are three wise guys whose goal was to rid the galaxy of all glamour and beauty. Captain T defeated the Testosterone Triad in the Battle of Spandex in Episode 24, 998.
Sounding more shrill than normal, in a desperate tone, Devine pleaded, “Captain T you must save us! Only you and your Gendermarines can defeat that trio of masculinity!”
Captian T stood up and thumping his bustier with a fist, he shouted, “By the goddess, we will remove this scourge of the glittered twinks of the galaxy! Alert Rear Admiral “Butt” Buddy to ready his forces. I will assemble the Gendermarines to meet the tally whacker trifecta head on.”
“You go, girl!” Devine grinned. The grin faded as Devine shouted, “Captain T! Wait! I have a message coming in from them! It’s Dick Johnson of the Testosterone Triad!”
Directing his Bruce Campbell-esque chin to the comm-screen, Captain T said in what passed as a stern tone, “Patch him through.”
The image of a handsomely chiseled masculine face with three day’s beard growth topped by a pile of unkempt black hair suddenly replaced the image of wild orange haired Devine. He was absolutely gorgeous with his muscles straining to free themselves of his uniform. With a sneer, Dick Johnson said, “Captain T! Prepare to be defeated. As I speak, my fleet is arriving in the Vajayjay System. Your damned femray won’t take us by surprise this time! That ray turned half of my fleet into flaming queens. The cost of cosmetics and hair products alone almost bankrupted us until we got them back to normal.”
“You’re starting a war now?” asked Captain T in a shocked voice. “Bitch, please! It’s Christmas! We can’t have a war this week! I’ve got parties to go to and I’ve spent all this time decorating!”
Dick snarled, “Merry Christmas, you glitter fairy! I have a present for you!” The image shifted to show rows of phallic shaped rockets. Dick continued, “These testosterone bombs will turn you limp wristed twink boys into squat, hairy, muscled men!”
Captain T waved his hand in dismissal and said, “Shashay away!” He reached down and broke off the connection. He then gasped as he noticed he had messed up the wet nail polish when he had thumped his chest.
Captain T walked quickly, hips swaying, to his headquarters dressing room, the clicking of the heels of his boots echoing through the corridor. Coming out of the closet, he sported his trannypistol and utility belt, the black garters and stockings showing under his short, tight, red leather skirt. He picked up his helmet, shook his glorious blonde mane and put the helmet back on the shelf, deciding the inevitable helmet hair just wasn’t worth the protection.
He sat at his vanity and picked up his reddest lipstick and applied it slowly and deliberately. He then attached his best false eyelashes. He picked up the bright, multi-colored bangles laying on the vanity and slipped them over his wrists. He made a few kissy faces at the vanity’s mirror and stood up.
Captain T was ready for combat.
Captain T pressed a button on his vanity and the mirror switched to a comm-link. Hands on his hips, he straightened himself to his full erect height and said, “Gendermarines! Today we face our most fabulous challenge! Girls, reach deep into your inner bitch and grab her by the balls! We have an invasion to repel!”
He switched off the comm-link and walked over to a round hatch mounted on the wall and opened it. Raising himself up by the handles mounted above the opening, he rammed himself through the slit.
Captain T exited the tunnel into the hanger of his space fleet. Gendermarines filled the hanger as they piled into their ships. Smiling at the glamorous spectacle, Captain T walked directly to his ship-of-the-line, The Altar of Venus.
Commander Tinkle, Captain T’s second in command stood at sharp attention inside the hatchway of the ship, his gorgeous auburn hair in striking contrast against his dark blue uniform. “Welcome aboard, Captain! The awesomeness of the ship just increased by your presence!”
“Thank you, Tink,” said Captain T. “What’s our level of readiness?”
Command Tinkle frowned slightly and said, “We’re at Fab-con 9, Captain. We didn’t have much notice. All transguns are set to maximum glam.”
Captain T set his jaw firm and said, “That should be enough to defeat that triple wanker threat. Order the fleet to jump to these coordinates.” He handed Commander Tinkle a note with the location of the Triad’s invasion fleet.
“Bam! Captain! Those boogers don’t stand a chance against our eleganza extravaganza Gendermarines! They’re fierce!”
“Make it so,” said Captain T, stoically.
The hot pink with magenta accents fleet of the Vajayjay defense forces materialized from their jump just ahead of the advancing, hard, black shafts of the Triad’s invading ships.
“Pan-T Shields up!” shouted Commander Tinkle into the fleet-wide communications. “We must avoid enemy penetration!”
As the opposing fleets moved closer to each other, the lead Triad ship ejaculated a salvo of missiles, striking one of the Gendermarine’s vessels amidships. The face of the ship’s commander flashed on the comm-link. “Captain T! We’ve taken a hit! Half my crew has suddenly become these hairy, muscular brutes with gigantic schlongs and…and…Oh! Mmmmm…I’ll get back with you…” The screen went dark.
“Inconceivable!” exclaimed Captain T. “It’s a dual prong attack! First, some of the crews are transmorgrafied into well endowed hunks and the rest of the crew becomes too distracted to fight! Give the order to fire at will!”
Command Tinkle announced through the fleet communications, “Ladies! Slap those bitches! Fire at will!”
Pink glitter trails began criss-crossing the narrowing space between the fleets. One Triad ship, caught by multiple glam rays turned a radiant flaming pink. Across the enemy communication channels the ship’s captain screamed, “Oh my God! I broke a nail and just look at this hair! Have you even seen such split ends? Girls, we’re out of here!” The ship vanished as it jumped back into hyper-space.
“Status, Tink!” shouted Captain T as his ship rocked from another hit by a testosterone rocket.
Sounding grim, Command Tinkle said, “Our Pan-T shield is down fifty percent. We’ve lost thirty percent of the fleet!”
Gritting his teeth, Captain T said, “We must take out the command ship. Tink! Ram speed! Aim directly at the Triad’s lead ship, all reserve power to the forward Pan-T shield and at the last possible second, pull out, firing all transrays at maximum glam!”
Commander Tinkle turned towards Captain T, “Lower decks are reporting magnificent hunks hung like horses. I should probably go check on the situation.”
“I need you here, Tink,” said Captain T. “Sometimes you must make sacrifices.”
Commander Tinkle looked up from his status board. “Captain T! The transrays are at two hundred percent charge! They’ll explode in ten seconds and in fifteen seconds we’ll collide head on with the Triad ship!”
“Oh…sorry,” said Captain T. “I was watching the lower deck monitors. Tink, in five seconds, fire the supercharged transray and then hard to starboard!”
The seconds ticked by as the ships raced headlong towards each other. Commander Tinkle shouted, “Firing supercharged transray at maximum glam!” All the lights on the ship dimmed as the transray cannons launched their load into the Triad ship. Commander Tinkle then twisted the command yolk hard to starboard.
There was a brief, sickening shriek of torn metal as the two ships kissed the sides of each other as The Altar of Venus veered sharply to the right. The Triad ship changed from a sleek black to a glowing neon pink, expelling a shower of gold and silver glitter as its engines exploded.
“All stop!” commanded Captain T.
The comm-link flickered to life as an incoming message from Dick Johnson on the Triad command ship began to appear. “Damn you Captain T! You bitch!” shouted in a sultry, sexy voice of the beautiful young woman with thick blonde hair cascading down past the middle of her back, her over-sized boobs popping the buttons from the front of her uniform. “I…I have a pussy! And…and I…” The image of the young woman hefted her breasts up towards the screen as she squeezed them. “…I have boobs!”
She looked down at her breasts and said, “I…I…I have boobs!”
Captain T said to the comm-link, “Johnson! Order your fleet to stand down and return to your own system and we’ll restore you back to what you were.”
Dick Johnson continued to squeeze her breasts and tried to lick one of her own nipples. She said, “I’ll get back with you…” Turning from the comm-link, she continued to play with her boobs.
Across the glitter and debris filled space of battle, the Triad ships one by one started to disengage after three more vessels turned neon pink and the crews into over-endowed bimbos.
Squeals of delight filled the ship as the battle ended and victory achieved. Commander Tinkle shouted, “Three cheers for Captain T! Loca! Loca! Loca! Condragulations! You’re fierce, girl!”
Captain T smiled and held up his hands, and said, “Thank you, ladies, thank you! I couldn’t have done it without you, Tink.” Glancing at the ship’s clock, he added, “And I still have time to get to the Queen’s Christmas Party! Tink, set a course back to Planet Vajayjay!”
“Course laid in, Captain T!” said Commander Tinkle with a satisfied grin.
“Make it so!” grinned Captain T.
Be sure to see the next exciting episode of the Adventures of Captain T — “Caught in the Silken Trap…again”
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