Thoughts from a confused and wondering mind.

A warning to begin. I am not thinking of anything dumb, or stupid, or suicidal. What follows are thoughts that passed through what I laughingly refer to as my mind... nothing more or less than that. I felt that I needed to get them out where I could see them and examine what they might or might not mean. Please do not read anything into them that isn't there.


I stand alone.. surrounded by dots
dots that are island-like spots

they represent all that I want
all that I need
all that I hope for
all that I wonder about

and all of them are beyond my reach
out of my grasp

there is no help
no assistance
to breach the distance
and bring them within my reach

I've tried to be true to myself
whoever that is
and I question even that

I've wished
I've pleaded
I've raged and cried

yet those dots
those spots
those refuges for my mind and soul
remain out there mocking me

telling me that I cannot have them
I cannot reach them
I cannot even touch them
even for a moment
a second
a heartbeat

how I wish that
for just one moment
I could find the reach
the way to touch
to feel
to know those things
that are beyond my ken
beyond my life
beyond my reach

alone I stand
no one can help
no one can feel
no one can know
the helplesness
of knowing
that the dots are out there
always mocking
always calling
but never allowing me to feel
to touch
to be touched

to be loved.

I'm told to look within
to find in myself
the power to breach the distances
to extend my reach

but when I look
there is nothing there
only dispair
and disgust
and shame at being weak

I pretend
to others
that I am real
and I exist
but I am only a ghost image
that fades with the light of reality
and disipates
no more than a shadow
in a sunlit world

pretending to be
what I'm not
hoping to pass
unnoticed and unknown

knowing that
the time will come
when I'm unmasked
and humbled
shamed again with no hope
of acceptance
or tolerance

just alone
and hopeless.

What is it like
to be loved?

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