---

Edited by S.L.Hawke
Image Copyright © 2012 Tracey Willows

---

 
The Taylor Project
 

Chapter Fifty

I didn’t walk; I ran. When I reached my room, I slammed the door closed behind me. I crawled into my bed, pulled my pillows over my head, and just cried for the longest time. Big shaking sobs that had me coughing up snot.

“Taylor?” asked Hailey gently. “I knocked, but you didn’t answer. Are you okay?”

I vaguely recalled her knocking and then entering my room, but I’d been too lost in tears for it to really register. Now I had a sense that she was close by my bed. I tried to burrow deeper under my pillows, but there weren’t enough pillows in the world. “Go away. It’s over. My life is over.”

Of course, she didn’t go away. She came over, sat on my bed, and began rubbing my back. “Taylor, it’s not over, not by a long shot. Momma and your dad are shut up in their bedroom, and I don’t think they’re having extra honeymoon rounds. I couldn’t hear what they’re saying through the walls, but at least they aren’t screaming at each other. I know what that sounds like.”

I started crying again. My dad finally finds someone and I’m breaking them up. That was the last thing I wanted. “I’m sorry, Hailey. I’m so sorry. I’m ruining everything. Maybe I should just go somewhere far away.”

“If you’re going to run, then pick some place to run to like a women’s shelter or something. Have a goal. You don’t want to be a homeless runaway do you? Live off the land, eat out of the garbage, maybe get picked up by a pimp and made to turn tricks? With your asthma, just how long do you think you’d last sleeping outdoors?”

Hailey was sadly right. I wouldn’t last very long sleeping outside. I’d enjoyed camping sometimes when I was younger, but more often than not I’d had trouble breathing. Once, I had even ended up in the ER. Me and the outdoors got along best in moderation. Even if I took my asthma medicine with me, it wouldn’t last forever. Actually, I’d probably run out of food long before I ran out of pills, since Dad had just given me another bottle of the stuff a couple weeks ago. Regardless, it was a stupid idea. I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. I dug out from under the pillows so I could see Hailey. “It’s no good. I’m too young to go to a shelter in Texas. I checked the rules before we lost the internet. Child Protective Services would pick me up and toss me into the foster home system.”

“Can’t you get a lawyer, divorce our parents, and get yourself declared an adult? I’ll testify for you.”

“It’s called an emancipated minor, and it’s not that easy to get. I’d also have to be at least sixteen.” It might as well be sixty. Two and a half years of testosterone would destroy me. I don’t think I could stand to watch myself slowly turn into a boy. Maybe the foster care system wouldn’t be that bad.

“Is there any place else you could run to? Anyone who would take you in? What about your Mom? I know you said she skipped out, but could she be an option?”

“She’s in California…” Although, why not Mom? There was no doubt she wasn’t the greatest mother in the world. Dad sometimes called her a ‘self-centered manipulative bitch’ when he thought us kids weren’t around. Sadly, there was more than a bit of truth about the self-centered part. Still, she was still my mom, and that meant she had to love me at least a little, right? I was grasping at straws, but maybe it could work. Rick was better at playing her and Dad against each other, but maybe she would do it just to spite Dad. “She did skip out on us, but she is still my mom. That’s what Mom’s are supposed to do, right?” I snuffled back tears, grabbed the box of tissues beside my bed, and started blowing my nose.

Hailey sat right there and comforted me, not at all judging me for being snotty. “Would it hurt to try? What’ve you got to lose?”

I took another tissue and wiped at my face. “One problem, I’d have to get access to a phone to call her.”

Hailey giggled and pulled out her cellphone. “You mean a phone like this? Mom got mine back for me just before you ran by. You can use it, if you want.”

“Are you sure? It’s long distance.”

“I’m certain.” She shrugged and handed her phone over. “If I get heat from Momma, I’ll deal with it. I don’t think I will though. You know, if your mother says yes… I’ll really miss you, Taylor. But good luck.”

I took the phone but held it off to my side as I hugged Hailey. “Oh God, I’d have to leave you. Hailey, I don’t know that I could go on through this without you.”

Hailey hugged me back. “Hey now, it’s okay. This house is turning poisonous. I think there’s still hope, though. I had a good talk with my momma, and she’s probably giving your dad an earful right now. Still, if your mom will take you in and won’t judge you, then you should go. We can always still text and IM and stuff, right?”

“I suppose so, although that won't be the same at all. Her number is on my computer. I guess if I am going to do this, I had better do it now while I can.” I felt a lot less certain than I was acting for Hailey’s sake. The idea of leaving her shook me. I looked up mom’s phone number, but I didn’t dial it yet. Hailey had said something that had almost slipped by me… a good talk with her mom? “Well, maybe things aren’t totally lost. What did go on with your mother, anyway?”

Hailey let out a big breath. “Well, Momma asked a lot of questions at first. She wasn’t at all happy about the bullying or with your grandma, to put it mildly. We talked a lot about you: how it started, how you’re a girl on the inside and want to be one on the outside...”

“So how did she react? What does she think of me?”

“She said you needed therapy!” said Hailey happily. “Although she wasn’t sure that you really understood what it would mean to become a girl.”

“Dad said something like that, too.” Although it was good that Julie wanted me in counseling. That was the direct opposite of what Dad had said. “Is she going to tell Dad that I need a therapist?”

“I don’t know.” Hailey looked upset. “I thought she would be more supportive. I hit her up with the idea that she’d signed up to be your momma when she married Robert. She agreed, but said something about it not being that simple, and that there was more to being a mother than a marriage certificate. Anyway, she did say that the bullying had to stop and that you should get therapy. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

I nodded in agreement. “Yeah, that’s a good thing.” But would it be enough? I didn’t know. I looked at the phone in my hand. Calling my mother and asking for her help still felt like a long shot. On the other hand, what did I have to lose? The worst she could do was say no, and I’d be no worse off if that happened. “I’m going to try my mom.”

Hailey bobbed her head in agreement. “I think you should. Do you want me to step out?”

“No!” I replied with an intensity that surprised me. “I mean, I’d really like you to stay.” I dialed my Mom's number, wondering if I could really leave Hailey and Cathy. It would really suck if I had to choose between being a girl and my two BFFs. Although it was probably a non-issue, as Mom likely wouldn’t take me in. She might not even pick up the phone.

However, to my surprise she answered on the third ring. “Hello, this is Vivian.”

“Hello Mom, it’s Scott, but actually I go by Taylor now.”

“Well hi then, Taylor. What’s the occasion? Not liking your new stepmom?”

“Oh, you heard about that, did you? How did you manage that?”

“Facebook. Your dad changed his profile and everyone that he knows is posting congrats to the happy couple. You would think that one of you might have bothered to tell me. I know that I’m not married to your father any more, but couldn’t you or Rick have called to let me know?”

“I'm sorry Mom. There has just been a lot going on, and letting you know slipped my mind. That’s not why I called, though, or maybe sort of it is. I mean, all that other stuff that has been happening. Taylor is more than a change of name. It’s a change of lifestyle. I want to be a girl.”

“You’re a transvestite?” That was followed by loud laughter.

WTF? Of all the reactions laughter was not one I’d ever expected, and I was so not a transvestite. I loved girl’s clothes because I wanted to be myself and not a boy. There was nothing sexual about it. “Mom, it’s not funny.”

“Oh, it is in a way. You just have to be outside of it all to appreciate the humor. Robert, the ultimate jock and ladies' man, has a son that wants to be a girl.” She giggled again. “Plus the signs have been there for so long, when I think about it. That’s funny. So how is he taking it?”

“He’s not. He flat out refused to let me transition or even see a therapist. I was wondering if I could come stay with you? Would you support me?”

“Whoa, whoa, Scotty. No, I’m sorry, I mean Taylor. If you want to be Taylor, if you want to be a girl, you can be. Go for it. Be the girl you were meant to be. I know a tranny, and she’s a good person. She couldn’t pass on a moonless foggy night, God bless her, but she’s still a good person. We’ve all got our kinks. You’re just a little more out there than the rest of us. Some people may not understand, but if that’s what you want, then I’m all for you. I just can’t take you in. I have no ground to stand on legally. I signed the sole custody agreement and I’m behind on child support. That won't play well in court, at all. Besides, for all his faults Robert is a good father, a shitty husband, but a good father. Even if that wasn’t the case, I’m living out of a suitcase. I don’t really have a place even for myself, let alone for you here. There is no way I could support you in a transition. That shit is expensive. I don’t even have insurance. I’m sorry, but no.”

That had to be the longest, most honest speech I’d ever heard my mom make, and I found myself crying all over again at the unfairness of it. My mom had no problem with me wanting to be a girl, even if she was obviously clueless about her vocabulary, but she wouldn’t lift a finger to help me. “Maybe he’s a good father to Rick, but he wants to put me on male hormones. He doesn’t understand me. Can’t you do something? Talk to him at least?”

“Oh Scotty, no baby, I can’t. Really, I’m doing the best thing for you by staying out of it. If I try to support you, even just by talking to him, it will just piss him off and make him more dead set in his ways. That man could out-stubborn a mule, and you take after him in that. I can give you some advice, though. Don’t take him head on. You can’t win that way.”

“I just can’t win, period.”

“Yes, you can. Just use that inner girl of yours and wrap him around your little finger. Look, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to run. I’ll call you soon, and I’ll make a trip out there as soon as I can. You stay in touch. Bye, baby.”

“Bye, Mom.” I’m not even sure if she heard me. The cellphone clicked, in that way that means the connection was broken, as I was speaking.

Hailey had been sitting beside me the whole time. As soon as I hung up she hugged me. “I take it she said no.”

I nodded and wiped at my tears. “The crazy thing is she didn’t care at all about me being transgendered, but she still won’t help me.”

“Can’t or won’t?” asked Hailey.

I shrugged. “How can I tell? She says can’t. Can’t afford it, and doesn’t have any legal standing.” I wasn’t sure I believed her.

“Doesn’t matter, it’s not over yet. My momma and your dad are still talking. They aren’t going to easily find a doctor who will give you hormones against your will. Even Doc Buford said you should have therapy, didn’t he?”

“Yeah, he did, but I’m still just thirteen. I don’t think I’m allowed to say no if my dad insists.” I wish I knew one way or another. I remembered reading about how some parents denied their kids vaccinations and even medical treatment due to their religious beliefs. I didn’t remember the details, but there was some sect that thought you had to pray your way to health.

“Maybe you can’t say no, but your father would still have to find a doctor who would agree with them.”

I shrugged. Even if she was right, and I wasn’t at all sure that she was, it didn’t matter. “Hailey, if it comes down to that then I’ve already lost. It won’t be hard to find a ‘good Christian’ doctor in Pine county that thinks I need testosterone shots.” From what I’d read testosterone was the standard treatment for Klinefelter’s. So it probably wouldn’t even be that hard.”

“I don’t think there are that many doctors like that, but even if there are, I don’t think Momma will allow it. Anyway, you need to work on your dad. Now, what is your next move?”

“Me? Why do I hafta come up with the next move?”

“Because it’s your life, Taylor, or would you rather just give up and be Scott?”

“Well, when you put it that way. Of course, I’m going to fight for me.” I’d come too far to go back to being Snotty.

“Good! So what’s your next move?”

Chapter Fifty-One

“I don’t know yet. You heard how he reacted. He didn’t listen. I could go back out there and talk to him, but that would make things worse.”

“Worse how?” asked Hailey.

“I-“ Hmm, she had a very good point. What else could he do? Ground me? Grandma already did that. Take away my computer? So what? Spank me? A few swats wouldn’t change my mind. He could try seriously beating the crap out of me, I suppose – I had read about that sort of thing happening to other trans-kids before. But Dad had never struck me or Rick in anger before, and I didn’t honestly think he would start now. No, the worst thing he was likely to do to me was force me onto male hormones. He was basically already doing that anyway by refusing to send me to therapy. I had nothing to lose. “I’m going to go wash off my face. I’m going to change my clothes into full Taylor mode. I’m going to put on some make-up, fix my hair, and then I’m going to go see what’s for dinner.”

“So you’re going to just give your Dad the middle finger? Are you coming out at school, too?”

“I don’t know.” I felt oddly light and giddy. I’d never been a big fan of poker, but I was basically going all in, calling my Dad’s hand to see if he was bluffing. Why not? I truly had nothing left to lose. “I don’t plan to go that far, but if that’s how far I’ve got to go, then maybe I will. I’ve spent two days hiding in my room, and I’m done with that.”

I needed to show Dad that I wouldn’t change my mind just because he yelled. He said that I never stood up to my problems? Right now he was the problem and I was standing up to him. It had my stomach flipping inside out, but I didn’t see much choice. Mom wouldn’t approve. She told me not to take him head on, but he was backing me into a corner. I might be about to find out how bad things could really get, but Hailey seemed to think I was doing the right thing, and that was good enough for me.

Hailey and I briefly discussed how to go Taylor. I only had two real choices: Hailey’s Sunday dress or a blouse and skirt combo. I decided on the blouse and skirt, just like I’d first worn as a girl. Hailey’s dress was more feminine, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable in that yet. When I wore the skirt and blouse, I felt like the real me. I switched out my clothes, washed the tears off my face and rearranged my hair into my more feminine ‘modern pixie' style. Under Hailey’s watchful eye I applied just a bit of makeup. Besides, with my dark lashes I don’t really need mascara and Hailey’s eyeliner wasn’t waterproof. I didn’t want to go all raccoon-face if I started crying, and that seemed entirely too likely to happen.

“You look good. Are you ready to go back out there?”

I nodded yes, even though I wanted to go hide. I also wanted some shoes to go with my outfit, but I was not going to wobble out there in Mrs. Andrew’s heels. “I’m not ready, but then I don’t think I’m ever going to be, so… May the odds be ever in our favor.” I pushed myself up to my feet.

Hailey smirked at me, obviously catching the reference to The Hunger Games. “Do you want me to go scope things out, Caitness?”

“No, I need to go now before I change my mind.” This wasn’t really a plan. This was provoking a fight. “You can hang back, if you want. This is my battle.”

“It’s ours, Taylor.” She grabbed my hand. “We’re sisters.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay. Yes. Good. Let’s go then.” Apparently though, just saying the words didn’t get me to the living room. I actually had to lift up my feet and set them down to move. I forced myself into motion and took one step at a time. Step, step, step, and there was the living room. Step, step, step, and no Dad and no Julie, just Grandma and Rick sitting there talking quietly to each other. They both looked up when Hailey and I walked in.

Grandma frowned at me. “Didn’t your father tell you to change?”

My feet wanted to get up and run away. So I sat down. “Not really. We said a lot of things, but he didn’t tell me that I couldn’t dress like this.”

“Well, I told you not to dress like that. Scott Taylor, go to your room and change your clothes!”

This was where I’d normally run off, however, this was a conflict I couldn’t avoid any longer. Going back to my poker analogy, I could fold or go all-in. My heart was racing but I looked her in the eyes. “No.”

“Young man, you will do what you’re told. I’ve been very generous because you have a medical condition, but now you’re being downright rude.” Her frown had become a glare, and her voice was rising in both volume and sharpness, like a fast approaching train hurtling towards me.

I shrugged and sat there, trying to pretend my palms were not sweating. Her move.

“Scott Taylor! Get up out of that chair and go change your clothes.” She stood up and walked towards me.

“Or what? Are you going to hit me?”

“I’ve never hit you, but you just might get a major spanking out of this, see if you don’t. Your father won’t tolerate this kind of disrespect.”

The door to the master bedroom opened then, and Dad stepped out followed by Julie. Neither one of them looked very happy, although I wasn't sure if that was from what they had been talking about, or from overhearing Grandma. Dad spoke first. “Mother, what’s going on?”

Grandma gestured at me. “That’s what’s going on! Look at the way he’s dressed. This is what I’ve been dealing with for the past three days. I’ve had it up to here. Now he won’t even go change. Do something about your son!”

“Do something?” His tone was the low rumble of distant thunder, promising an approaching storm.

I cringed before him, but stayed put largely because I was too scared to move. Maybe I’d made a mistake in pushing my father when he was near his limit. Like a passenger in an car heading for an accident, I braced for impact, squeezing both Hailey’s hand and the arm of the chair.

My dad took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Very well, Mother, I’ll do something.”

He looked calmer on the surface, but I wasn’t fooled. The warning flash of his anger had been closer than I thought. The storm was here.

Chapter Fifty-Two

"This crap ends now," Dad thundered still glaring at Grandma. "No one will be driven out of this family while I'm head of this house, and that's what you're doing. We're not going to exile Scotty to his room and badger him constantly. We both know how that story ended. You're not going to push him out of my house like you did Dee Dee."

Say what? The storm was here and lightning had struck, but it was Grandma who was scorched and blackened, and what did Aunt Dee Dee have to do with anything? I hadn't seen her since Thanksgiving.

Grandma, however, wasn't giving up without a fight. "That was completely different. She sinned against God, but she was a young woman and at least old enough to make her own choices -- even if they were terribly, horribly wrong. Scotty is still a child. He doesn't know what he wants. Do you mean to tell me that you're actually considering supporting his insanity?

"It's not that different. For now I'm granting the possibility that he might become a girl. I don’t like it, but badgering him isn't going to change his mind."

"So you're going to allow him to parade around in skirts and disrespect me?"

"Mother, you disrespected him first. We’re not going to set the ball on Scotty’s five-yard line and call that fair. He gets to start on the fifty. That means he can wear dresses and not get punished for it, or made to hide in his room. Am I clear on this?”

I clung to my chair and watched the fireworks. I wasn't sure what all was going on, or why, but I sure heard the parts about possibly allowing me to transition and letting me wear skirts.

“If you’re not going to support me, and you're going to allow him to dress like that, then I don’t know that I want to be here any longer. I’m going home.”

“If you can’t at least treat Scotty like family, then maybe you should. Do I have to remind you, of all people, what’s written on Dad’s grave?”

That took the wind out of Grandma’s sails. The fight just went out of her and she sank back down into her chair like a deflated balloon. “I haven’t forgotten.”

“Good, then stop acting like you have. I was blindsided by this an hour ago. You’ve had days to get used to it. I’m not asking you to give up your beliefs, and I damn sure haven’t decided that Scotty will be allowed to be a girl, but we will treat him as family no matter how he is dressed. Mother, don’t ask me to choose between you and my son. That’s a battle you won’t win.”

Damn, I always knew that Dad was the head of the house and that Grandma followed his lead, but he’d put her in her place like a child. It was good for me, but still shocking to have witnessed. Everyone else seemed subdued as well, after witnessing her smackdown.

I felt something stirring inside me, a warm happy feeling called hope.

Dad took a deep breath and slowly let it out, closing his eyes briefly as he did so. He rubbed his beard stubble with both hands and sighed. When he opened his eyes his anger was leashed again and his salesman face slipped back into place. “Taylor, you look… nice." His tone didn't hold the same harshness he'd had when he'd verbally bitch slapped Grandma, but I didn't think he was at all sincere.

"Thank you." I had to at least give him points for trying, and reining in Grandma.

Julie cleared her throat. "I don't think this was what we discussed."

Dad barked out a short, bitter laugh. "No, it sure the hell wasn't. Mother, Taylor I'd like to apologize to both of you for losing my temper. This isn't the way that I want to handle this. All this yelling, screaming and rudeness needs to stop. It wasn't the way I was raised or the way I've raised my kids. Everyone take a seat. We’re going to have a family meeting about this. We’re all going to sit down and talk this through. There will be no screaming, yelling, or rudeness.”

Dad just apologized? It sounded a lot more sincere than when he said I looked nice. I was still a little shell-shocked, but I was liking this direction. It was good for me – no, it was a miracle. “Y-yes, I’d like that.”

Grandma frowned. "I don't know that I have a say. Perhaps I'd better just go."

"Mother, stay, please. We're going to talk. We all need to do more talking and more listening. Rick, pull up a chair and sit down."

Chapter Fifty-Three

Dad sat down on the couch and Julie joined him, but they weren’t cuddling this time. He might have apologized, but he didn’t look happy. Grandma was obviously sulking, but she shut up and sat down. Hailey and I remained where we were on the loveseat. Rick grabbed a chair from the kitchen. He thumped it down facing it away from us, and casually straddled it backwards while resting his arms on the seatback. He was the only one who seemed unphased by the situation. He had a smirk on his face while everyone else looked serious.

“So, we all know what this is about. It’s about Taylor. I just apologized for my behavior. I wasn’t ready and I haven’t had time to understand things. Hasty decisions are usually bad decisions, and I proved that. We’re going to talk this through.” Dad spoke as if he was placing each word with great care, giving them all special meaning. “I want everyone to have a chance to speak, but under the circumstance, I think Taylor should go first.”

I wasn’t at all sure where I stood now. On one hand, Dad had said I’d be given a chance. On the other hand, Dad had also made it very clear that he disapproved. This didn’t feel like a meeting. It felt like a trial. Dad was the judge, stern but attempting to be fair. Grandma was the prosecution, but was playing it soft for now after almost being found in contempt of court. Hailey was my defense attorney. Rick was the uncertain mob sitting in the gallery, waiting to see justice done. Julie was the wildcard. She didn’t fit into my courtroom analogy, but she mattered a great deal. Regardless, if this was my trial, then I welcomed the chance to speak in my own defense.

“Dad,” your honor if it pleases the court, “to start with, thank you for calling me Taylor. It is my name. I ask everyone to at least respect that. As for the rest… I didn’t plan this. It just happened. I was scared when it first started. That’s why I didn’t say anything. At first I wanted my breasts to go away. Now I think they’re the best thing that ever happened to me. If I’d never grown them, I might never have realized that I’m really a girl at heart… and never have known just why I was so unhappy. I don’t know if I’m Klinefelter’s or not. Partly it doesn’t matter, because whether I am or not, I still want to be the girl I am inside.”

Not enough. I had to make this good.. “I don’t know if I can say this strongly enough. I’m not a boy. I used to pretend to be a boy, but I was never any good at it. Now that I’ve admitted to myself that I’m really a girl, it’s getting harder and harder to even pretend that I’m Scott. I can’t go back to being him full-time. I just can’t. If you put me on testosterone, you’ll be killing the real me. I want to go to doctors and a therapist – and I mean a real therapist. I know you all probably think I'm nuts, and maybe I am, but I want a neutral third party who specializes in this sort of thing, to help me figure out if I am or not. Not just someone who will have already decided one way or the other before I even begin to speak.

As tense as things were in the room, a part of me wanted to shrink away, but I forced myself to study Dad closely for his reaction. I felt like my entire future was on the line and rested on his next words. I had no idea what was going on inside his head. It seemed like forever before he spoke. “I think that I’m going to need more time to decide how to deal with this. I’ll admit I was wrong earlier to rule out the possibility of a therapist and to simply dismiss what you were saying. It’s not like there haven’t been signs. I worried that you might be gay before you and Cathy started going out. I think I could have dealt with that. I just wasn’t ready for this.”

I felt a knot loosen inside me. Dad hadn’t said yes, but he had said he was wrong to say no – which was almost the same thing. Then he bounced right back to the gay thing. I sighed. “It’s not about my orientation, Dad. I might be a lesbian. The idea of being romantic with a boy just doesn’t appeal to me at all.”

“Then why-“ Dad started off angrily and then stopped himself, doing the whole deep breath and release thing with eyes closed again. This time Julie stroked his arm and when he opened his eyes he looked at her for a moment. Watching them, I could almost believe in telepathy. He resumed speaking in a more controlled tone, “I’m still having trouble with this. If you’re attracted to girls, then why become one? What do you expect to get out of this?”

“I just want to be me.” A part of me wanted to cry or run away. This was better, he was trying, but Dad still didn’t get it. He might be handling it better than Rick and Grandma, but he didn’t understand.

“Mr. Miller?” asked Hailey.

Dad sighed. “I thought we already agreed you would call me Robert. That’s doubly true now that your mom and I are married.”

“Yes, um, Robert. Anyway, have you looked at Taylor? I mean, really looked at her? Just watch the way she moves and acts. It’s not hard to see the girl in her, if you just open your eyes. You said that you thought Scott was gay. I thought the same at first.”

What? She did? Hailey had never told me that.

“Then as I got to know Taylor I thought she was just an effeminate boy, but being a girl fits her so much better. She doesn’t act like a boy; she acts like a girl because she is a girl.”

“I see where you’re coming from, Hailey, and I have to admit he looks the part. If I didn’t know that was my son sitting there, I’d see a girl too, but wanting something isn’t always enough. Sometimes we want things that aren’t good for us, or that we simply can’t have no matter how hard we try.” My father sighed and glanced at Julie.

Julie apparently took that as her cue. “Robert and I are trying to keep an open mind about Taylor’s wishes. These aren’t easy questions, and we weren’t ready for them. We’re going to need some more time. Do you understand?”

Hailey nodded and so did I, although I didn’t really get it. I also wasn’t getting a clear answer on whether I’d be allowed to transition. This ‘family meeting’ felt like something Julie had arranged, but Dad’s smackdown of Grandma had been all him. My Dad was a man of his word, and that was a part of what was scaring me because he was carefully avoiding saying I could transition. Maybe this felt a little artificial and like I was on trial, but they were trying. That had to count for something, didn't it?

Dad reached over and took Julie’s hand. “Coming back to that point, we do have time to figure this out, don’t we? I understand that you want to keep this hidden for now? You’re not going to be walking around the neighborhood in skirts, or going to school in a dress, are you?”

I shook my head. “No, I’m not ready to come out yet.”

“See, that’s my point.” Like a pot cooking on too much heat, Grandma had finally boiled over. Her tone was more sulky now than angry, but she was making her opinions known. “If he didn’t know it was wrong, he wouldn’t be ashamed of it and try to hide it. He hid it from us, and now he wants to hide it from everyone else. It goes against the Lord’s word! I can’t believe you’re giving in and allowing this… this... spectacle to continue.”

“I don’t want to get beat up! If I just go to school in a dress tomorrow, that’s what will happen. When I come out I want it done right, with a note from a therapist and a diagnosis of transgendered, so the school has no choice but to accept me.” That was one reason at least. There were others, but that sounded good.

Rick laughed. “You could have a hundred notes from a hundred doctors, and you’re still gonna get beaten up at school!”

Dad raised his voice, with a stern glance alternated between Rick and Grandma. “Keep it polite. Everyone will get their turn. Mother, did you have anything more to say?”

“Just that he knows it is wrong, and regardless of the cause Doc Buford identified a solution – hormones. Scotty may be confused now, but if we put him on the right hormones, he’ll straighten out.”

“I don’t think it’s wrong!”

“Taylor, please,” said Dad in a tone that sounded more exasperated than reasonable. “We’re all trying to keep an open mind. Now, do you have something to say, politely?”

Politely? Why did I have to be polite while Grandma could be rude as all get out? “I don’t think that what I’m doing is wrong. I just think bigots will have a hard time accepting me. That’s a completely different thing. Also, what Grandma calls ‘straightening out’ will deform my body. I’m developing into a girl. I’m lucky in a way. There are a lot of transgendered women out there that didn’t come out until after puberty. Going through male puberty will damage me in so many ways.” My voice was getting more and more shrill. I so did not want to look like Dad or Rick. Their heavy boned bodies and angular faces showed all too clearly that the testosterone was strong in my family. I wanted to scream or run away and cry, but this was my chance to make my case. Dad was listening and I was blowing it. “You just don’t understand me!”

Hailey slid an arm around me and hugged me. “Shh, shh, I understand. They’re trying. They didn’t say no.”

I snuggled into Hailey’s grasp, let go, and started crying. Not what I wanted to do, but I couldn’t help it.

Chapter Fifty-Four

“Are you happy now?” Hailey sarcastically asked someone as she held me and rocked me. I couldn’t see because my head was buried in her neck, and I wondered who that was directed at.

“No, we’re not happy,” said Julie. “Maybe we should take a break.”

I sniffed up my tears. “No, I’m sorry. I want to continue. Let’s do this.” I scooted out from Hailey’s embrace and rubbed away my tears.

Dad looked less stern and more human. “Ok, we’ll continue. Your grandmother has her opinion. You have yours. We’re going to consider your feelings and listen to doctors.” He paused and looked around. “Rick, did you say all you had to say?”

Rick shook his head. “No, but I’ve done some thinking about this. I’ve got an idea that would solve all this, but… you’re not going to like it, Dad.”

Dad sighed. “Sure, why not? Let’s hear your idea.”

“I was pretty hard on Scott when he came out, but after seeing him/her/it around the past couple of days, he’s serious about this stuff. Besides, didn’t we all think he was gay, I mean, really down deep? It’s not like this is a total surprise. The drag queen part is a surprise, but really this trans stuff is just, like, gay squared. Anyway, he’s never going to be accepted here in Pine Hill. He’s my brother, yet even I want to hurl seeing him walking around with a bra full of tits and having weepy fits. The other kids are going to pound the shit out of him on a daily basis. Remember my freshman year? That Bruce kid that came out? He didn’t make it a month before he withdrew from school.”

“Rick, tone down the language, but yes, I remember. What is your point?” asked Dad.

“My point is this. That…” Rick waved his hand making it clear he meant me. “…is never going to be accepted in Pine Hill. We might accept him in time, but others won’t. I think the best thing is if he goes and lives with Mom.”

“What?!” Dad half rose out of his seat, but Julie pulled him back down.

I felt like laughing, but I still hurt too much. So Rick wanted to get rid of me, did he? Too bad Mom wouldn’t take me. Then again, why should I blame him? I’d been on the phone not half an hour ago asking her to do just that.

“I told you that you wouldn’t like it, but seriously, think about it. He’ll never be accepted in Pine Hill, but in California he’ll blend right in. He can put on a dress and prance around like a fruit as much as he wants, and no one will care. Mom even has some gay friends. I’m sure one of them can coach him on how to be a whatever the hell he is.”

Dad gave Rick the evil eye of parental unhappiness, but chose to ignore his language. “Assuming your mother had a stable address for six months running, a job and could actually manage to be a responsible parent, I’d consider that – if it was something Taylor wanted to do. However, let’s keep to alternatives that don’t involve ripping this family apart, please.”

I couldn’t help but take that as a positive sign. Dad was standing by me. Once again I was tempted to speak up and say that Mom didn’t want me, but the conversation was already moving on.

Rick snorted. “Good luck finding one.”

“That’s enough, Rick.” Dad paused to breath yet again, and then shook his head. “No, wait, that’s not enough. Tone it down. I haven’t decided yet how I feel about what Taylor is going through, but he is still my son and your brother. He is still family. Don’t insult him to his face. If we’re done here, Julie and I have more to discuss.”

“Wait,” blurted Hailey. “I never had my turn.”

“I thought you had.” Dad waved to her. “Go ahead then, and say what you need to say.”

“Okay, I will. Tone it down isn’t strong enough. I know what you just said to Taylor’s grandma, but this wasn’t really a polite conversation. What’s been going on around here is verbal abuse. Taylor and I have spent the last several days grounded, all outside communication cut off, and why? Taylor is just being who she is. I’m being punished for being her friend. Cathy left here three days ago running out into the rain and we still haven’t been allowed to call her. She is Taylor’s best friend and we don’t know what’s going on with her. I had my cellphone taken away – even the internet was cut off. Rick barged into Taylor’s room, threatened her with rape and wouldn’t leave. Is this bullying going to be allowed to go on? Is Taylor going to continue to be punished just for being herself?”

My Dad grudgingly nodded along as Hailey spoke, acknowledging her points. “You’re right. I was wrong. Mother was wrong. Rick was wrong. I’ve already apologized and I meant what I said. I may need time to understand what Taylor wants, but this I can address here and now. Taylor is part of this family. The punishment stops now. The rudeness stops now. I don’t expect all of you to approve. I’m not sure that I approve, but I expect everyone to be at least civil. Is that clear?”

Rick nodded. “Yes, sir, and just to be clear, I didn’t threaten to rape him/her. I said that the path he’s going down could end up getting him raped if he wasn’t careful.”

Dad sighed. “Rick, unless you’re a politician trying to lose an election, just don’t bring up rape in mixed company. It’s not as bad as the n-word, but it’s best not to go there.”

Rick shrugged and Hailey snorted. Clearly she wasn’t impressed.

Meanwhile Dad was turning to Grandma. “Mother, I meant family first and you’re family as well. Can you at least agree to be civil?”

Grandma frowned. “I still think you’re giving into him. This isn’t placing the ball on the fifty yard line. Boys shouldn’t be running around in skirts. I’ll honor your rules under your roof, Robert, but I’m not going to pretend to approve. In fact, I think I’ll be spending less time under your roof. If we’re done here, I’m going home.”

“I’ll walk you home, Mother.”

Grandma rose stiffly. “That won’t be necessary.”
 

---

 
To Be Continued...