I sit here trying to find a way to put my life back together.
It wasn't that it suddenly fell apart, it was more like it had slowly been coming apart year after year. It was,in hindsight, all my own doing I suppose.
Everything had been going so well all those years ago. Being out and about as myself, not having to pretend to be something I wasn't. Boys actually treating me as the girl I was and not some boy they should compete with.
I may have started before that. I was young and thought that, to make my father happy, I would take up a blue collar 'Manly' trade. I was not expecting it to be something I was, not only good at, but found myself going beyond. That's hard to explain I guess.
I took the Power Mechanic's course and a few other related courses such as electrical and electronics. I didn't have a clue what I was getting into at the time. I remember feeling terrified that all these strange boys would see through my thin disguise and see the girl I was underneath. I knew I would get beaten to a pulp if they saw that and adopted male characteristics to help hide myself. Such as not bathing for a week or changing clothes. It was hard in a sense but at the time I really didn't notice it that much.
As the years at school went by I did get a friend or two. A few girlfriends of course and one guyfriend. But as I was a 'boy' I couldn't do anything so I bottled up all my feelings. These tended to come up as bursts of anger at the worst times. I didn't fight with anyone, since physical fighting is just not me. I did scream at a few people though.
As time went on I would look longingly at the other girls and what they wore. Every time one showed up in something pretty instead of jeans I would stare. Got thought of as a pervert for it too. Those comments hurt me. Not because they were true but because it meant people didn't see me, the real me.
I suppose that was why after highschool I found being myself to be so refreshing and something of an overload. Getting treated to dinner and a movie by boys was so right. I can't explain how it felt, I just knew to the very fiber of my being it was the way it was supposed to be. I was honestly and truly happy. With the world and myself as a human being.
Then that night at the bar things changed. It was a normal night for me. Go to the local friendly bar in a skirt suit or dress or something that made me feel pretty. Drink some cola, talk with friends and go home. That night none of my regular friends were about and this one nice guy offered to buy my cola for me. To be nice I sat with him and chatted.
It seemed to be just a night night and the guy a nice guy who wanted to treat me just like any other girl. I felt flattered when he suggested we go to his place to watch some cable tv. Being from out the country cable tv was a super treat. I know it doesn't seem like much now but back then it was.
The television never got turned on, and honestly, I don't think he even had cable. He however was very turned on. I tried to fight off his advances as best I could but eventually he tried to have his way with me. When he found out my panties contained something extra it went badly. He yelled at me and tried to make me eat his cum. I threw up as he approached with it.
When he went away to the kitchen area to clean up I ran to his bathroom and locked myself in. He banged on the door calling me all sorts of awful names repeatedly. He claimed it was all I was good for. I would never be a real woman. There was more and much worse. When I heard him in the kitchen again I made my break and left that place.
I went to my home at the time and scrubbed my skin red raw trying to get clean. I do not remember the ride back, the walk up the floors of stairs, or even getting undressed and into the tub.
My roommate at the time wanted me to go to the police but I refused. I stopped going out to the bar every night. Soon it became one night a week as I slowly withdrew from the world around me. I stopped buying real clothes and bought more of the very ill fitting male clothing.
Things got bad at the apartment enough that the police got called because of a loud argument. I again refused to press charges. I packed up everything and left to go home with my parents. I gave away many of my clothes but kept a fair amount. Wearing only boys clothing I went into the family business working on cars. It wasn't my dream job so I went to school where I hid my realself further and further.
I worked in odd jobs in offices on phones or whatnot. I was never good at it because I could not release my real self and get attacked again. I just couldn't. They never lasted long though. I did find a part time job helping someone else work on cars. I found myself falling in love with working on the cars. Each and every car I work on becomes, in essence, my baby. If someone hurts my baby I get angry. I fix my babies up as best I can, learning more each time.
They are all my children and I love each of them dearly. To let them go hurts too but sometimes in a good way. The pay is lousy as nobody wants to pay me properly. The work is interesting and off times hilarious.
When I was in elementary I had a crush on a boy. He came back into my life but he saw me only as a guy and not the real me. He suspected though. It was no surprise to him when , years later, I announced that I was really a woman trapped in a man's body. Life was good as we remained friends.
I still was slowly slipping away bit by bit even living as myself. I just didn't see the world around me as more and more I could only see the pain inside. The pain was eating me.
I suppose I may have ended up on the street or dead in a hospital at the rate I was going. I have picked up tons of bad health habits along the way. I can't openly kill myself. I guess the fat was a way of making myself 'ugly' and therefore beyond the possibility of being attacked again as a woman.
It didn't work as I got attacked again anyways. This time though it was different. I can see myself and know I survived. It's not easy but I survived. However the feelings I had to deal with, some of it is anger, actually quite a bit of it is anger. These feelings of anger cause me to strike out at others.
To top off trying to lose weight, I am also trying to get my self together. Stop smoking, drinking gallons of pop etc. I think I may have lashed out at my long time friend. The worst part is my long time friend has become something more than a friend. I told him such not long ago. He is having trouble with it and I may have hurt him somehow.
I do not currently know if he sees me as a friend still or not. I hope he is. I do not know what the future will bring for me. I am a woman and I want a husband to love me and hold me when I need it as I do right now. I love that man. I don't want to but I find I do. The thought of losing him right now is making things really hard for me.
I want, no that's not right. I NEED to live. I NEED to find love.
Most of all I NEED to be a complete woman.
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