The little girl was in her room and scared. She looked at the door to her room from her bed. She knew she should just get up and open it but she couldn't. It was far to frightening. She had spent so long hiding herself from everyone that the thought of walking out the door of her bedroom was so hard. She knew she should but as soon as she even thought about it her heart would pound in her ears.
On her ears was the new earrings she had had put in earlier that day. The experience was scary and she would have not done so if her loving mother had not been holding her tiny hand encouraging her that it was alright. She remembered being scared that her ears would hurt like when the nasty doctor had injected her with the needle the other day.
She rubbed her arm near the shoulder where the doctor had injected her. She could almost feel the pain of the huge needle again. Rubbing her bare shoulder also reminded her how she was dressed. It was the first real dress she had worn that had not belonged to one of her friends. She got up from the bed and felt the dress shift on her slender frame.
It was a nice dress, really quite pretty, even if it was a lime green. The flared skirt did not need a petticoat for it to swing out from her still narrow hips. The top of the narrow strapped dress with tiny bows on the shoulder. The bodice of the dress was stretchy elastic that bunched up making pretty ruffles along the top. Her still flat chest did not make the dress stick out like other girls did. She knew that in time she would grow her breasts and fit in so much better at school.
School even that would seem scary. She walked to her closet opening the door on the new skirts, blouses, dresses some of which were only new to her as her mother had taken her shopping at a used discount store for much of them. Still there was not one pair of the much hated pants in her closet to greet her. Her therapist had assured her mother that in time she would probably not mind wearing pants again. At the moment the thought of those horrid pants trapping her made her throat tighten.
She did her breathing exercises to calm herself down. When she felt better she once again looked into the closet. There was not one but three of the precious coveted blouses,skirts,vests and blazers. Those alone of her wardrobe signaled something far greater to her than everything else. She had been accepted into the same school as her girlfriends. To be able to not only wear the uniform as her own but to actually go to school with her girlfriends dressed properly for once was a dream come true. That brought tears to her eyes.
When she realized she had unconsciously wiped her tears with her hand she realized she probably smeared her mascara as well. She went to her vanity table. The table that had been given to her by her grandmother the day before and sat being careful to keep her knees together and brush her hand under the skirt of her dress. The table did not have much on it yet. An older tube of her mothers lipstick that she had never worn. It was a dark red almost a brown and she had played with it a few times trying to get it on her lips without smearing. As always she removed it along with the other makeup her mother and grandmother had given her. She was told she was far to young yet to wear makeup.
She was allowed lipgloss, mascara, and nailpolish. Her one nailpolish jar was already down a quarter from her many tries over the last 2 days to get her hands and feet just right. Her nice oval nails with the shiny pink gloss on them had no stray hairs, no half missing spots, and no chips. They were not as long as she wanted them to be but far better than the tiny flat rounded tips that her mother used to make her keep them.
She looked into her mirror at her reflection. Her once messy eyebrows were now delicate arches like all her friends. Her button nose looked cute to her along with her high cheekbones. She had always been proud of both even thought many of the kids in her former school had teased her about them. She sighed they never understood her and always left her crying. She had tried to play with the other girls but it was like the pants scared them away. The teachers had tried to help and she was introduced to some of the boys but she was far to shy around them. The boys at least treated her like a girl if in a teasing way. She knew if she had pigtails like the other girls then the boys would have pulled them. Boys were nasty, mean , and rough. Something she had not once understood in her 9 years.
Checking the small curls in her still too short hair she was pleased at how feminine they made her look. Grandmothers treat in the salon for being a brave girl after her ear piercing had left her with the curls. Her grandmother had even promised her that when she was older with longer hair she would personally teach her how to put curlers into her beautiful hair.
A knock on her door got her attention and she turned to see her loving mother as she opened the door. Her mother had tears in her eyes. These were tears of happiness as she gazed upon her sitting primly in front of her vanity. The picture of a cute young girl.
"Sara honey are you alright? Did you need help with anything?" She found it quite silly that her mother would ask that as she was all dressed up already.
"No thank you mommy. I think I did okay. Do I look good enough for daddy?" The fear had crept into her voice as she thought of her daddy seeing her in a dress for the first time. Unbidden tears gathered in her eyes.
"Oh sweety! I know your father will love how pretty you look. There there"she uttered as she hugged Sara closely" it will be alright he does love you honey nothing will ever change that."
"What if he hates me! What if he says those horrible things again. Maybe I should..." but her mother cut her off before she could go down that old road again.
"Sara honey stop. Your father loves you. He well nevermind about why he did those things before but he has promised me he will be on his best behavior tonight." Sara just nodded into her mothers should as she understood.
"Now let me use this tissue hold still." She commanded as she gently used the tissue to dab at her eyes. Her mother explained that this prevented the mascara from leaving the black trails on her face. Sara continued to sniff before her mother held another tissue to her nose and told her to blow. Sara did and she felt better for it.
Sara's mother walked to the bed where her tiny jacket was laying. The jacket was small with short cupped sleeves and only came to her mid back. It was made of the same lime green material as her dress. Her mother held the garment up for her but did not pressure her to come over. Sara sat in her vanity chair for a moment playing with the hem of her dress before she stood up. In a moment her back was to her mother as her mother helped her to put on the tiny jacket.
Sara's mother used her mirror to check her own appearance and she used a tissue under her own eyes before fussing a bit with her dress. Her mothers dress was more colorful with its multicolored flower prints. The shallow v neck of the dress did not look tacky as it would on some women. Sara's mother was really quite pretty and always had been. Sara hoped that one day she could look as pretty as her mother did when she got old.
Her mother said nothing but stood by the open door to her room. It meant more to her than most would realize to not be told on how she should behave. With a last look at her bed with its frilly light pink bedspread and her stuffed kitty on the pillows Sara turned around and straightened her own dress the same way she had seen her mother do not a few moments before. She wished she had a pretty canopy bed like they had seen with grandma the other day but she knew they could not afford one. She would make do with her current plain one.
Sara walked to her mother and put her tiny hand into her mothers and smiled just for her mother. Her mother's eyes became glossy as she looked down upon her. The uttered 'so brave' escaped her lips.
"Don't forget your purse Sara." her mother chided when she noticed the omitted item. Sara released her mothers hand and went to her dresser with its small jewelry box. Her small white purse was made of imitation plastic leather. It was hard, stiff and not really all that practical like her much larger mothers purse. Still it was her first purse and Sara was mortified she had forgotten it.
"Do you have your gloss and mascara?" Her mother asked her. Sara opened the purse and saw the gloss was missing. A step over to her vanity revealed the item was missing there too. Sara started to get upset as she only had the one lipgloss before she remembered that her dress had a small pocket in the seam of the skirt. She patted the section and found a reassuring lump. She must have put it in there by mistake and moved it to her purse. With a new smile on her face she looked to her mother with her own smile on her face before placing her hand once again into her mothers.
The two women of the house exited into the silent hallway their small heels clicking on the floor or clopping in Sara's case as her heels were barely above floor level. Sara was careful to not drag her feet like she used to. She squared her shoulders like Grandmother had taught her. The old woman's words of "be proud to be a woman Sara.' came into her mind as she did so.
Thus it was mother and daughter would descended the stairs of their home. In the living room was their guests. Her Grandmother was getting on in years and had elected to stay seated in the living room. She looked quite nice in her dark sweater over a blue shiny blouse and black skirt sitting there on the sofa. On the chair that matched the sofa sat her father. She had not seen him for 3 months since her mother and kicked him out of the house.
Her father looked tired as he sat their in his best suit and tie. He hands looked awful like he had rung them over and over so many times that they were red. She thought this silly as her father had nothing to be worried about. If anyone it was she who was worried. Worried that her father would treat her the same way he had 3 months ago when he caught her coming home with her friends skirt on after splitting the seat of her pants. The hurtful memory brought not only tears to her eyes but fear. Sara started to shake and clung tightly to her mothers hand for support.
Sara's father gazed longingly at her mother before turning his eyes to her. Sara became overwhelmed with fear and tried to hide behind her mother. Her father started to rise from his chair at the sight of her hiding from him. Sara saw something in his eyes she had never seen before. Fear mixed with his own tears.
"Sam you don't.."her father began.
"HER name is Sephrena or Sara for short. Do NOT be rude Daniel William Donalds."Her grandmother sharply admonished her father.
"Sorry sorry sorry Sara I .. Sweetie.. I'm so sorry you don't.. I'm making a mess of this! I should not have come. I .."he flustered away at her rising as his obvious fear took hold of him. This reached Sara and she saw something in him that she had seen in herself not long ago. Moving from behind her mother she started towards her father and stopped.
"Daddy no don't go."
Her father stopped his turn and swung back to look at her. Really look at her like he had never done before. With a glance towards her mother. Her mother who's very face was now shedding tears unheeded her lips quivering she gave a nod to Sara who released her mothers hand. Sara turned back to her father and twirled once to show off her pretty dress to him.
Sara did expect to see her big strong father drop to his knees as if they had been cut. Nor did she expect to see the tears fall unhidden from her fathers eyes as he opened his arms to her. For the first time in years her father showed her the love she always wanted from him and she all but flew into his arms crying as she had missed him so much. Her father all but crushed her to him as he openly cried hold her saying sorry repeatedly.
When Sara came up for air she noticed her mother hugging her grandmother sobbing big huge racking sobs while her grandmother valiantly tried to stem her own tears. Sara felt safe. Sara felt warm and above all Sara felt loved.
Sara was scared once again. Her father had moved mountains for her to be here. The black knee socks barely insulated her shaking knees under the dark brown skirt dress of her brownie uniform. She was scared and her shoulders were shaking enough that the strap of her new small AA cup bra that held her tiny breasts had started to slip off her shoulder.
His promise made all those nights ago when he had come back into her and her mothers lives of getting her into girl guides was finally coming into reality. While she was still too young for the guides but the brownies had accepted her. She couldn't wait to start earning her patches.
"Its alright to be scared pumpkin I was too when I was your age." Her father comforted her. She nodded once and gulped back her fear and tears before Grandma's voice in her head made her stick out her chest just a little and walk with a straight back. The room was a large wooden floored gymnasium. There was mothers and daughters everywhere and a few younger girls were jumping up and down in excitement. The troop leader was at the small wooden podium on its casters arranging papers as she and her father walked up.
The room quieted a little as they saw Sara and her father walk across this girls only space. Her tiny hand engulfed in his. The lady at the podium looked up with wide eyes at her imposing father as they walked to her. She had met the lady not two weeks earlier in the lawyers office with her father and the lawyer as the case was presented along with letters from the doctor. The lady still scowled a bit at her father but the scowl melted when she took in Sara.
"Mr. Donald's I just want to reiterate that the brownies do not discriminate against transgendered girls and we would have accepted Sara without the strong arm tactics." Her troop leader told Sara's father with a low but pointed voice. Sara's father actually blushed at the remark.
"Sara, do you mind if I call you Sara? Or do you prefer Sephrena." She asked while bending her knees to see her easier.
"Sara is fine thank you maam."
"Well mannered I see. Let's hope you can spread that to some of the other girls young lady."
And that was the start of Sara's time in the brownies. Sara felt so Happy and skipped to join one of her friends from school. Daniel, her father, looked on to the joy he had for a daughter and wondered for not the first time why he had ever tried to make her a boy.
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