Revisiting Bryce Canyon and Meeting Aunt Jessica:
The families have arranged a spring break vacation that will give McKenzie a chance to meet StacyLyn's 'Aunt Jessica.' How will the conversations on this repeat visit to Bryce Canyon affect McKenzie's future? What will be the consequences of McKenzie not bringing an emergency set of boy clothes?

Revisiting Bryce Canyon and Meeting Aunt Jessica

For the past year I have been living, well more surviving, as a closeted girl at home while dreading the hormonal changes that were already starting to affect most of the other boys in my class. Cousin Kaylie and her mother, Aunt Karen, were my biggest supporters. Mom remained endlessly concerned that my feminine interests would cause problems with the judge who was handling her divorce from my domineering and philandering father. Meanwhile, Father seemed to be harassing Mom by dragging out the proceedings in family court. On our first trip to Bryce Canyon I had met StacyLyn who told me that she only liked girly boys and shared the secret that her biological father was transgendered. Now she had managed to convince our families meet up for a short vacation so I could talk to her 'Aunt Jessica.'

We checked into our motel room without incident, unlike our first time here at Ruby's Inn. We all freshened up after our drive, and I found myself sorting through all my clothes and accessories deciding exactly what to wear for the rest of the day.

"For heaven's sake hurry up McKenzie, you are a girl hiking in the park, not a fashion model in a sportswear catalog."

"OK, Kaylie. I am just having trouble figuring out how to make the best impression."

"Don't worry. Everyone here accepts you for exactly who you are, dear," added Aunt Karen.

"And remember that I am taking my 'daughter' out in a public place. You shouldn't call too much attention to yourself."

"Yes, McKenzie, no deep scoop neck tops or push-up bras to show the boys your boobs."

"Kaylie, stop that."

I decided on a practical choice of trim-fit jeans, a decorative belt, and a floral design sweatshirt over a sports bra. The day was overcast and the temperature was quite cool due to the high elevation of the park.

I filled my water bottle and made sure I had a jacket and sunscreen in my pack. Given Mom's warning to not be conspicuous I decided not to wear any makeup, but I took a lipstick along anyway. As a final feminine touch I tied a ribbon around my short, but real ponytail. Finally we were all ready to meet StacyLyn and her group.

We had arranged to meet by the large fireplace in the main Ruby's Inn building. The hotel-store-restaurant complex is centered on a large entry room decorated in faux Old West with hunting trophies and cowboy artifacts everywhere. We were just sitting down when I say StacyLyn come through the huge front doors and head straight toward me.

She threw her arms around me in a quick hug. "McKenzie, you look so, like, neat. It's awesome to see you." She stepped back to take a good look. "You certainly have changed."

"I've had practice and tutoring.

"You bet, I help my cousin get some girl time in every day after school."

"How was the drive?"

"We're here, but Mom is really concerned about running into someone who knows us. She doesn't want any rumors to get started. You know how small towns like Santa Carla can be."

"That makes sense, at least for now, I guess. Here, meet my father, Aunt Jessica."

I hadn't noticed the tall, heavily built woman who came up behind StacyLyn. She was dressed like someone heading to a country western dance hall. Embroidered jeans, bra outlines showing through a fancy ruffled top, medium heel pointed toe boots, and lots of bold Navajo turquoise jewelry. Her lipstick picked up the red in her blouse and her eye shadow and nails picked up the green-blue of the stones. Neatly styled blond hair cascaded over her shoulders.

"Hello, McKenzie. StacyLyn has been telling me all about you, and I really envy your fine taste in clothes."

"Thanks."

"I wish I could have dressed like you when I was your age. Anyway, we will have lots to talk about."

"Where's Jacob?" Kaylie asked.

"My foster father is a bit phobic about all this. He decided to take Jacob on a male-bonding fishing trip on the Sevier River today. We'll see them after dinner at the earliest."

Aunt Jessica tried to get us moving. "Let's go for a hike now. We can talk a bit on the trail. We don't have a lot of daylight left after all the driving."

"Which trail?"

"Queen's garden and Fairyland both seem appropriate," said Kaylie.

Aunt Jessica noticed me admiring her hair as we waited for the shuttle bus. "It's a wig. I became bald before I became a woman. Male hormones do nasty things," she whispered in my ear.

That comment sent shivers down my spine. As we sat down on the bus I started thinking again about all the things that would soon start happening to my body. StacyLyn was sitting next to me and could sense that I was a bit upset. "Aunt Jessica knows what you are going through."

Actually we decided on the Navajo Loop, though I would have preferred a return to the Fairyland Loop. A lot of wonderful things happened the first time on that trail. StacyLyn, her sister Sarah, Kaylie and I took the lead as we headed down off the rim into the canyon while the four parents followed behind. I really enjoyed hanging out with Kaylie's friends at school but for this hike I was not just accepted by the girls, I was one of the girls. We chatted about everything -- gossip, fashion, boys, music, makeup, hair styles, growing up. The combination of being outdoors surrounded by spectacular scenery and supportive friends made me forget my concerns for a while.

****************
I was wondering about dinner as we were heading back to the motel after our hike. Last time we all dressed up really fancy and had an elegant mother-daughter dinner in the restaurant. I would have loved to do that again, but there were problems with the idea. Mom, of course, would be concerned about other people from Santa Carla seeing us in the dining room. More importantly, there were things that I needed to talk to Jessica about that I didn't want anyone to overhear. StacyLyn came to the rescue again.

"Aunt Jessica, why don't we order take-out pizza tonight and eat in the room. That way McKenzie can talk to you in private.

"Great, I'm starving for pizza," added Kaylie.

That decided, we headed to our rooms to wash the trail sweat off. I dried my hair and brushed into the most feminine style I could manage given the limited length. I replaced my hiking sports bra with a lacey heavily padded bra I used only for real occasions. I was glad I had decided to bring my newest floral print spring dress. It had nice lines that flattered a shapeless body and made a bit of a statement by ending well above my knees.

"Be careful how you sit. You don't want to show what other girls don't have."

"Yes, Kaylie. Now will you mind helping me button the back?"

StacyLyn's family had rented a suite consisting of two adjacent rooms with a connecting door so they had plenty of space. Besides Jacob and Mark Waterman were still off fishing when Mrs. Waterman came back with the pizza. Sarah grabbed a couple slices and headed back to watch the TV. The show looked interesting so Kaylie and StacyLyn did the same. Jessica suggested that Mom and I sit with her at the table in the other room so we could talk without the electronic distraction. We ended up talking for hours.

This was my first experience talking to a TG woman in person. Over the past year Jessica had suggested some really helpful internet sites, and StacyLyn had passed the links on to me. An in-person conversation is really different because you become sensitive to the other persons unspoken thoughts. We talked about when I first started feeling I should be a girl and continued through the events of the last few months. We bounced from stories of my playing jump rope with the girls in first grade to my uncomfortable experience in health class last month. Over and over Jessica told me I had 'options' and that help was available. Mom listened and occasionally asked a question. From time to time Aunt Karen joined us, said something encouraging, and then wandered back into the other room. I sensed she knew this was something Mom and I had to resolve.

I kept mentioning my terror about puberty and hormonal changes. Jessica carefully explained about drug treatments and emphasized that if I really wanted to feminize then the sooner I started the better the results would be. She expressed regrets about all the irreversible changes that had taken place in her teen and college years when she was still in denial. The 'counseling advice' from a Mormon bishop back then had been to get married because having a relationship with a woman would 'straighten things out.' Jessica explained how she had finally accepted the truth and started transitioning. At times this all sounded reassuring, but I got upset again when she described how expensive and painful beard removal and facial feminization surgery had been for her. This was something I did not want to undergo.

The conversation with Jessica had left me emotionally drained. I now knew a lot more about the options that would be open to me. I was just assuming that Mom would be fully supportive of me becoming her full-time daughter. We really had never fully discussed what would happen with my dressing activitiess once Mom had full custody. As Jessica reminded me, both staying as I was born and transitioning would have irreversible consequences. The choices were scary, and the more I thought about it the more upset I became.

Finally we realized how lated it was and we decided we needed to get some rest. Hiking in the high-altitude desert air is tiring. Besides Jacob and Mark had returned, and hours of wading in the stream with a fly rod had worn them out too. All of us girls hugged as we said good night. Mom, Aunt Karen, Kaylie and I headed back to our room, and quickly got into our night gowns and ready for bed.

"So McKenzie, did Jessica tell you where to go to get it cut off?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I sobbed as I planted my face in the pillow.

Aunt Karen looked sternly at Kaylie. "Young lady, you need to be more supportive of your cousin. You don't have to deal with the issues that SHE is going through. Now get to sleep."

************
Sometimes sleep helps clear the mind and, other times good healthy outdoor activity works wonders. We slept in late the next morning so I had the benefit of both. We had scheduled a full day at Bryce Canyon, so we had decided we had enough time to have a leisurely breakfast then hike the Fairyland Trail. I was glad everyone agreed on this hike since it gave me a time to revisit the good memories I had from the first trip. I was wearing my usual, a practical but feminine outfit. StacyLyn, Kaylie, and I walked together joking about all the events from that day when we first hiked this special trail. Jessica, Aunt Karen, and Mom stayed close to us. Meanwhile Sarah alternately dashed ahead and lagged behind. Jacob and Mark Waterman set off at a fast pace and deliberately stayed far in the lead.

"My brave brother Jacob is still embarrassed about hitting on a boy named McKenzie by mistake. It's not his fault, you really did pass as a girl even way back then."

"A lot of men are really uncomfortable with transgender people. They act like it's contagious. You just have to accept their attitude and be yourself."

I turned to Aunt Jessica. "Talking to you really helped me yesterday. Thanks."

During gaps in the conversation my mind returned to the question of my gender identity and how I was going to deal with puberty. I must have seemed a bit absent mentally.

"Come back to earth, McKenzie. We are coming to the place where we posed for the photographer. Remember."

"It was amazing watching you trying to pose like a girl that day. It didn't take long for you to get the hang of it. That's when I decided you were a special boy," added StacyLyn.

"Well, it was fun figuring out how to show off the breasts and hips that I didn't have."

"Well, I thought you looked a little awkward," Sarah chimed in.

"Remember, Sarah, that was McKenzie's first time in public as a girl. I think she was very brave," added Jessica. "McKenzie is lucky to have such a delicate build and pretty face. Not every boy has those natural advantages."

"Those are only advantages if the boy wants his mom to make him into a girl."

"Kaylie, don't confuse me. I need to think." With that I drifted again into a contemplative mood. My future seemed so confusing. Whatever I decided in the next few months would shape me for life. I could take the 'easy' route, throw away all my girl clothes, and focus on growing up male. But was that the right path for me? What would the default outcome be if I stayed indecisive? On the other hand if I became a girl full time who would I date in high school and beyond? At least the magnificent scenery occasionally brought me back to the present time and place.

We started hiking quite late and we had taken our time so it was already turning to evening when we climbed the last section of the Fairyland Trail that lead out of the canyon to the Rim Trail above. The low-angle sun highlighted the red rocks and the shadows emphasized the fantastic shapes of the rock formations. I looked down into the canyon and felt at peace with myself.

I indicated to Mom that I wanted to talk and we sat down on at a marvelous viewpoint overlooking the area we had hiked trough. The others must of sensed what was happening because they all moved out of earshot farther down the trail. I was glad that what I had to say would not be interrupted by Kaylie's teasing or Sarah's childish wisecracks, but I would have loved to have StacyLyn beside me for support.

"Mom, ... I need to tell you something important."

"Yes, dear. I'm listening." She must of sensed my nervousness because she took my hands and held them.

"I have decided ..." I took a deep breath, this would be decisive. "... that I don't want to grow up to be a man like Father."

"McKenzie, you are a gentle and sensitive person. No matter what you do you won't be like your father."

"No, I mean, that is, uhh... I don't want to be a man at all. I want be a girl and grow up ... as a woman ... and ....."

Mom pulled back momentarily like she was frightened by what I had said, then she looked into my eyes. "Is that really what you really want, or has Jessica been putting ideas in your head?"

"That's what I want. I have been thinking about this all year. I ... I don't know exactly how to say this. The times I have felt most my self have been when I was dressed up as a girl. You know how quickly I change when I get home after school and ..."

"Maybe you just like dressing up."

"I don't want to be your pretend daughter for a while then go back to being a boy. I want to be your daughter."

"It's not that easy. Remember everything that Jessica has told you about all the suffering she went through. The expenses, the loss of Jesse's friends, awkward social situations when she was transitioning, her difficulties at work, the expensive medical treatments, the separation from StacyLyn's mother, the ..."

"I know, but also know I would suffer more if I grow up as a boy then find myself stuck for life as a male."

Mom had tears in her eyes as she hugged me. "McKenzie, I love you. We will work this out, but everything will have to wait until the custody decision is final. Your father would intervene if he had any idea."

We sat quietly for a few minutes before getting up to join the others who had been waiting ahead on the trail. I grabbed Kaylie and StacyLyn and turned them toward me. "I did it! I told Mom that I want to become a total girl."

StacyLyn threw her arms around me. "Brave girl."

For once Kaylie wasn't a tease and just went to get Aunt Karen. This was news to be shared. Mom stood back looking a bit concerned. Sarah seemed oblivious to all this and was scratching in the sand with a stick. And, of course, Jacob and Mark were no where in sight. Given what happened next I was of glad they had just continued along the trail while the females waited for me and Mom.

Jessica stepped up to Mom. "It would be so terrible if McKenzie went into male puberty when she is so close to being able to transition. I really recommend you get her on blocking drugs to suppress the male hormones right away."

"I can't do that. There is no way I would risk talking to a doctor in Santa Carla right now with custody pending. Remember a court subpoena trumps confidentiality. Besides I can't imagine how I would even bring up this sort of idea with any of our usual doctors. "

"I can give you the contact information for a very sympathetic clinic in California. The head doctor is a bit controversial, but they know how to protect patient privacy. It is a long day's drive each way, but no one outside the family needs to know you even took McKenzie there."

"I'll have to think."

That last comment by Mom worried me, but there was little more that I could say or do.

We finished the hike and returned to Ruby's Inn. We decided to eat in the restaurant and, of course, I used this as an opportunity to dress in my most feminine spring clothes. Kaylie and I decided to wear the complementary outfits our mothers had bought for us - same style dress in different colors. At the table Kaylie and Mom sat on either side of me and StacyLyn and Jessica were opposite. I couldn't help but notice that Jacob and Mr. Waterman positioned themselves as far as possible from me and Jessica. I also noticed how Mom scanned each new party entering the dining room to see if there was anyone she recognized from Santa Carla.

The day had worn me out. Both the hiking and the conversations had been exhausting. But, I had told Mom my wishes. I was thinking about the implications of all that had happened as I dozed off.

*****************
The next morning StacyLyn called our room and asked if she and Aunt Jessica could come over before breakfast. I said I was still getting dressed, and she replied that was fine because they wanted to bring something for me to wear anyway.

Jessica and StacyLyn arrived with a shopping bag. "I have some gifts for you. I wanted to give you something nice to wear today. Here is a really cute stretch nylon vee-neck top. But before you put it on I need to and teach you a few t-girl tricks. Take off your top and that unflattering sports bra."

I looked around. I had gotten used to undressing in front of Kaylie, Aunt Karen and Mom, but StacyLyn was sort of a girl-friend and she was the one who immediately read me as a boy the first time we met. At least I could turn my back as I stripped.

"Go ahead, we're all girls here now." Jessica started taking things out of the bag. "Here, put this on. It's a special design of push-up bra. But, first brush a little of this makeup down the center of your chest. Good. Now, take this tape and apply it the way I tell you."

In a next few minutes Jessica worked magic on me. The tape, combined with adjustment of the push-up pads and the bra shoulder straps pushed my chest up and inward. As directed, I pulled the blue and white top down over my head then looked in the mirror. I saw what looked like a pair of real breasts popping out from the edges of the deep vee-neck with a distinct cleavage separating them.

Kaylie and StacyLyn watched with fascination. \"McKenzie you look lovely," chimed StacyLyn.

As usual Kaylie had to get in a wisecrack. "I'm jealous. My cousin looks like he has bigger boobs than me."

Mom, looked alarmed. "Do you think McKenzie should really go out dressed like that?"

"Well, why not?" asked Aunt Karen.

"I warned yesterday about not calling too much attention to herself."

"It's time for McKenzie to go out and express her beauty," added Jessica.

"Please, Mom. I like it."

Mom reluctantly agreed. We headed across the parking lot and into the main lodge building for the breakfast buffet. As we walked I had a distinct feeling that boys and men in the crowd were looking at my chest with a bit more interest than yesterday. Of course Jacob went out of his way to ignore me and my 'enhanced' appearance.

We wanted to have a relaxing day and drive back late, so we decided to start by looking at the exhibits in the park visitor center. On our first trip to Bryce Canyon I had been far too nervous to stand around in the museum area, but now I was totally confident. I found that the information on geology, erosion and cliff formation was fascinating, but I have always been somewhat of a science geek. Kaylie was more interested in the displays on the Native American's food and clothing. Given my announcement to Mom yesterday I decided I needed to show more interest in these domestic activities, so I let Kaylie set the pace as we wandered from exhibit to exhibit.

Suddenly Kaylie elbowed me. "Look, over there," she whispered.

I glanced up and saw Ms. Byland, a teacher from our Middle School, heading out of the exhibit area. Her back was turned and I had no idea of whether she had seen or recognized any of us. Kaylie and I headed in the opposite direction and ran into Mom and Aunt Karen coming back from the gift shop.

Kaylie spoke first. "I think we saw Ms. Byland leaving the museum, but she may not have seen McKenzie."

Mom turned pale. "I certainly hope not. This is what I have been worried about." She turned to Kaylie. "Let's get McKenzie out of here - now."

We hurried out of the Visitor Center with Mom keeping a eye out for Ms. Byland or anyone else who might know us. StacyLyn and Jessica stayed close so I was almost surrounded as we walked across the parking lot. Aunt Karen was somewere behind.

Once we were safely in the car Mom turned toward me. "I never should have let you wear that outfit in public. Usually you dress modestly and reasonably unisex, but that bra and stretch top are way too provocative. And hardly age-appropriate I might add."

Just then Aunt Karen showed up. "Ms. Byland greeted me and I decided it was best to distract her by carrying on a conversation while you got McKenzie into the car. She is here with two other teachers who are also enjoying school break. Of course they asked where Kaylie and McKenzie were. I made up a quick excuse, but now they will be expecting to see them."

"McKenzie, now you know why I wanted you to bring an emergency change of boy clothes. What if the teachers see you like this?"

Jessica was apologetic. "I caused this problem, let me help."

With that Jessica headed back into the Visitor Center. She came back a few minutes later with an adult-sized, solid-color, hooded sweatshirt with "Bryce Canyon" written on the front and back.

"Pull this sweatshirt on. It is thick and loose enough to cover your breasts and the bra lines under the stretch top."

"But Jessica, it's warm."

"I'm sorry but it was the only thing I could buy in the gift shop that might work. Pull it all the way down. It's long enough to cover the fancy design on the butt of your jeans too."

Mom looked paniced. "Get covered up. Now."

"Calm down, Carol. Most likely Ms. Byland didn't see McKenzie in the visitor center. Now McKenzie is back wearing something unisex. If the teachers see us now nothing will come of it."

"All these close calls make me nervous. Besides, McKenzie's skinny jeans and boots are not exactly something a boy would wear."

Jessica was trying to be supportive. "I had some close calls when I was starting to transiton but was still closeted to my neighbors and co-workers."

We quickly said our good-byes and left Bryce Canyon in a hurry without running into the teachers from Santa Carla again. We made a minimum of stops on the drive home. I kept the sweatshirt on and made sure it was pulled down over my rear end when we were out of the car.

We arrived home without further incident. Mom pulled the car into the garage, turned off the engine, and hit the remote to lower the door before she let me get out. Usually she was not this cautious about my being seen.

Over breakfast the next morning Mom clearly wanted to talk. "Jessica gave me a lot to think about and right now it is all a bit overwhelming. There isn't a lot I can safely do until the court proceedings are final. Until then, please be careful, dear."

I got up and put away my dishes. I must of seemed nervous and distracted. I was still trying to sort through everything that happened on the trip.

Mom came up gently touched my arm. "You told me something very very important while we were hiking the Fairyland Trail. I haven't forgotten what you said."