Encrypted-15

Chapter 15

I gasp a little happy gasp as Brandy does this thing to me. She spends time kissing and tonguing out my navel?

I’m still new at intimacy so I’ve never heard of this and there’s this sort of feeling it sort of not feeling it thing at first.

If you’re wondering…take a finger and trace your belly button. Then wet your finger, close you eyes and do it again.

Now picture nibbling teeth, warm lips, and a curious tongue.

And then her hands and nails sliding up my body and cupping my tiny breasts in her hands and kneading them gently.

There’s this little tug of her thumb and forefinger on my nipples that makes me whine and lift in an arch off the floor.

Brandy murmurs sexily into my midriff. “Do it again Maddy…god that’s sexy…”

“I…uhnnn….’kay…” My brain is just…I still have the signal gain turned high on the nerves of my breasts. A few more kneading moments and another gentle tug of my nipples…one...two…three…times…more…I nearly have a boobgasm…I arch and feel my eyes roll in the back of my head.

I am so used to not feeling…I’m so used to being in control that this is just…just amazing.

Is this another girl/womanhood thing being able to go freefall? Just let go and be loved?

I said before.

I want more of this.

I can feel these feeling inside of me like things are actually aligning inside of me like the real me was hidden from life…even from me by this hugely complicated lock…and there’s more of the tumblers clicking into place.

Brandy does it again and between that and the so strange but really good navel action I’m getting it takes me over the edge into having a breast orgasm.

(Breathy gasp.) “Brandy…”

It’s about all I can articulate as I get awash with those sweet sensations and they’re so darned real to me…not like the things I’d ever experience as Mathew but this is like.

It’s like I’m the water…and brandy is sunlight but at the same time she’s making me bubble up and that’s making rainbow like refractions in my world.

It’s something that I honestly wish that I could share with others like me…I’ve read up in parts on being transgendered and to be locked like this…sealed away from the person that you really should have always bee just barring some odd and cruel random factor in their self equation.

How many people are living in this world where their lives don’t add up?

“Brandy, Brandy…Brandy…”

You make me feel so alive.

She slides her way down my body and she takes her hands and moves mine to replace hers on my breasts and she pulls my bottoms off.

My bit is freed and sort of stirs then slowly comes to life as she takes her into her mouth. Hot and wet and passionate…the feel of her lips, the tilt of her head and the swirling of her tongue.

“Oh Maddy…I love it when you flower blooms for me…” she coos? Sort of breathily on it, to me. This is part of the good parts of sex it’s so alive and intense but confusing too…I like this but should I? I want to be complete and fully functionally the woman I should have been but I like this.

I love this…can you feel like this and still want what I want?

I don’t understand at all where I fit in with things like sexuality. I am not attracted to men…this much I know and there’s just been a few that sort of catch my eye in that he is nice to look at way but I have no desire to be with one.

But even as Brandy is taking me into her wonderful experienced sexuality part of me is beginning to ache for “Penny”…and I think that brandy feels the same way. I think that she really wants to complete her journey as much as I do but I know she enjoys being inside of me.

Oh…inside of me…

“Brandy…? Please…please I want you…I want you inside of me…connect into me…please…?”

She smiles her dark yet sort of pink tinged lips around me and the pure suction increases. Her fingers caress my little pearls and her other hand…fingers sink into to me until she touches that pleasure spot.

Massage, massage…sucking…head moving…fingers moving and it feels like this super spirally climb into ecstasy. My hips are moving and bouncing off the floor in needful bursts to keep this frenzied feeling of hyper connection and it’s so connected that when I’m whining into my orgasm that I’m squeezing my little boobs and she’s cupping and squeezing my little pearls and the twin sensations of that…Brandy’s fingers massaging that inside me pleasure center and he sweet talented mouth….It’s so good and so pure I nearly faint as my pleasure centers overload.

I’m panting like I’ve just run a marathon when she moves her fingers more, then lube?…and she lifts my legs over her pretty shoulders and sinks into me with her own inhale of satisfaction.

I’m not sure what I love more about this…the way it feels being filled by her hardness and the warmth in me or the way that it feels to m spirit? My subconscious me? With my legs up over her shoulders…deeper and deeper in and Brandy leaning over me almost folding me over on myself until she kisses me and her tongue slips in and she shares her mouthful of me.

It keeps going just like Brandy sinking into me and her breasts ad mine gliding over each other nipples touching and hardening. It happens by instinct this time…I feel my code shifting towards hers…there’s so much overlay between us it’s so easy to fall into sync. The charges from our nervous system jumping to each other…every inch of her feeling sensory pleasure from her nerves as mine wake them up and every nerve inside me responding to each stroke of hers.

Then breasts…then our skin itself…like every touch is like our nerves feeling it like an erotically charged eye of the storm toy.

It get’s to this point where Brandy picks me up and carries me to our bed. It wasn’t a display of man strength but one of my lover, my girl and I’m not really too heavy but she’s in really great shape from all that dancing.

It was a wonderful night…morning after that with her taking me to that place away from my cage to the free place that’s her universe.

Then I make love to her…I really like being inside of her but I love her skin….even more than her breasts I think. I love the scent of her body, the taste of her skin…I love this whole experience as we slow down but still make love…touching…trailing fingers feeling the interplay of her nerves on mine, mine on hers…yes we might have those parts of us still and find pleasure there but the biggest part of that I honestly think we get the most pleasure out of pleasing each other…two women falling in love with built in toys…

There is even something so perfect afterwards in how we curl into each other…face to face, breasts touching legs slipping together and falling into the deepest of sleep lulled there by exhaustion and our after glow.

………………………………............. I Dream.

I know that I’m asleep but I’m also awake and I’m in this place. Not an odd place but a curious one. Things seem sort of normal until I see him. This young black man or rather teen. Skinny and with a head full of those braids you see them wear. Not the Jamaican ones but braids. He’s in this apartment that frankly has seen much better days but it has a nice touch. Homey in a way.

He’s studying? No those are women’s magazines and catalogs…no he is studying them. He looks up at a sound and there’s this little black child there staring and watching him and the boy has one arm firmly around a blues clues dog. But the eyes are focused in a different way than…it’s like he’s looking at the black teen and not at the same time. Like he’s seeing something else.

The young man smiles at him. I know that smile…oh…Brandy? He has her face but not as matured or shaped…the eyes are the same, the same soul.

“Morning Sonny you want breakfast yet?”

The little boy shakes his he in a definite no. “Juice before breakfast.” And that was a fact.

I follow them into the kitchen and Brandy-not-Brandy yet starts to make juice from the frozen stuff. Well not juice, the yellow plain container of the No-name brand says drink not juice. Bleech essentially frozen pop syrup really. He gives the little one juice in his sip cup and I notice every time he sets the cup down the little one turns it three hundred and sixty degrees before he’ll drink from it.

Then he squeaks and covers his ears as there’s the sound of hip hop starting up somewhere down the hall. It’s jarring and the suddenness of it was jarring to me but the little one seems effected worse by it.

Brandy…he doesn’t seen too happy either. He tenses and starts to make French toast fingers buy cutting the crusts off then using a ruler he kept in the cutlery drawer measures out bread batons two centimeters wide and eight long and marks where to cut with the knife. They look like fish sticks sort of by the time he’s done. He uses the cut crusts to sort of make is own like a French toast fritter. There’s this black girl that comes out and she’s getting dressed into a set of scrubs but she’s not a nurse I would want.

She’s mad at him. She’s getting her coffee and complaining about. “You shouldn’t do that for him, he’ll come to expect special treatment.”

“He likes his French toast like that.” Brandy’s trying to be calm, her even if she’s not her now.

“Well I’d like a lot of things too! He’s not retarded enough that he can’t learn things the specialist said Sonny can lead a normal life if we teach him right.”

“The specialist said he has a chance to Anita. But we have to be patient.”

She glares at him and is powering back her hot coffee and lights a cigarette…I do not approve, you wreck your own health don’t smoke around children. I’m not there and just watching but I swear I can smell the smoke.

“He’s black and he’s got something wrong with him you think the other kids will give a shit about being patient? Like hell!”

I feel like screaming at her.

There’s enough wrong with knowing you’re different. And most of us with Aspergers and related differences we do know we’re different.

But it hurts getting called Wrong…

And Sonny is under the table now and covering his ears and rocking…I want to crawl under there and hug him and rock with him…be his holding tightness.

“Anita…just leave it alone. He’s three.”

“I don’t care if he’s three and the world won’t either.” She reaches under the table and pulls Sonny out by his arms making him it that wall of unexpected violent touch. He reacts badly. “Stop it!, Stop crying and eat your damned breakfast! Stop rocking dammit!” She looks like she might have been going to hit him and she just glares harder at the pair of them and tosses her coffee cup hard enough to bang around in the sink before she storms out of there grabbing a jacket and shooting Brandy one last glare.

“Don’t look at me like that…I’m not the one in the wrong here. People suck, if we’re not tough on him they’ll lock him away or he’ll get hurt….I’ll…I’ll see you tonight.”

She leaves and Brandy slips to the living room and puts a CD on that’s playing this song called “Rainbow Connection” and he sits on the floor of the kitchen behind Sonny and holds him and rocks him like she did me. He sings but lightens his voice to close to the voice I know and Sonny cried a little but mostly stares zoning out…well it’s more like me when I’m getting soothed by something but my head won’t turn off.

When the song is over he kisses the top of Sonny’s head. “Mum kinda ruined breakfast huh?”

Sonny does this bobble headed nod.

“Should I start over?”

“Juice first.”

“Okay…juice first.”

He gets Sonny back at the table and he goes and comes back with leggos. My fingers twitch…I love leggo, I love stuff like that…just beyond soothing. Brandy kisses him on the forehead and says. “I Love You Kiddo.”

Sonny doesn’t say it back but there’s a change in his breathing and posture. He might not know how to put those feelings into words but hat was it right there.

I know that feeling. Relaxing because you’re tensed up because you weren’t sure it was safe, and not taking a full deep breath either…because you can’t. You can’t because it wasn’t alright to relax that much….the hurt inside is like the hurt outside and it gets mixed up like that sometimes with us because you just hurt. How does matter as much as the hurt.

And there some people like us that never get to relax, be safe, breathe because no one cares enough to get it.

Brandy get’s it, he got his son. She gets me…Brandy lets me breathe.

I wake up and she’s getting up and I watch her. It’s like the whole caterpillar butterfly thing people use. I still sort of can see the boy she used to wear. And the amazing person she was then shining in the woman I’m in love with now. I slip into her warm spot letting that be so good, safe, special and I watch her go to the bathroom and take in her scent and just…I smile because I can breathe.

She comes out and smiles at me messing with her hair a little in that sexy way that some black girls get and everything. “I’m hungry, let go and eat that supper you made.”

I smile back. “It’s morning so that’s breakfast now.”

“Okay, I can eat just about anything for breakfast.”

“Me too, working I’d have many meals outside their planning zones and cold.”

“Okay we’ll clean up after breakfast.”

“Okay but Juice first?”