But WAIT! There's MORE!

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But WAIT! There's MORE!

By Itinerant

A Mad Scientist meets True Evil

Author's Note: Call it a side effect of too many infomercials and over-exposure to John in Wauwatosa's sense of humor.

*********

“Oh, man, what hit me?”

He tried to sit up, or just rub his eyes with a hand, but he couldn't budge either arm. He managed to blink his eyes clear enough to see he was cuffed (shiny, polished steel with a soft flannel (?) lining) to a table.

“Very good to see you finally wake up! I so prefer my patients to be awake before I begin my work!”

He blinked again, and could just make out someone at the far end of the room. She wasn't terribly tall nor was she excessively heavy. Her medium-brown hair was cut fairly short, from what he could see, but without his glasses, he really couldn't get a good look.

“Patient?” he croaked. His throat was too dry, and he coughed

“Oh yes! I'm trying out my new process on you, and if it works, I'll make a mint without near the risk!”

“Wait! WHAT process?”

She stepped close enough for him to see her slightly deranged expression. “My process to turn men and women your age into young, nubile women to serve as sex slaves, of course! Kidnapping anyone in their late teens is getting too risky. The police, and even the FBI, tend to take those crimes seriously. Someone your age, though, will sometimes just drop off the grid to 'get away from it all.' If no one hears from you for a while,” she shrugged, “they won't worry.”

His eyes widened. ~Young? Sex slaves?? But how...?~ “You're telling me you can do cosmetic surgery that's convincing?”

She snorted. “Surgery?! Feh! Almost anyone can do surgery that would pass a cursory inspection! No, I'm talking about a true change -- down to every cell in your body! Even your skeletal structure will pass an expert surgeon's examination!”

~Whaaaaa? She's nuts! Why....~

She watched as her subject suddenly realized his doom. His expression went from puzzled, to frightened, to ... excitement?

His voice was even more avaricious than her own had ever been. “Doc, you're thinking too small. Way, way, WAY too small! How much do you think you can make on one of your slaves? A million? Two?”

“About one and a half, but...”
“Right! And for all your work and genius, you have to hide from everyone. You gotta think outside the box!”

~Making sex slaves is thinking inside the box??~ She was beginning to wonder if she'd caught someone who wasn't sane enough to brainwash.

He was still in full marketing mode and ignoring her suddenly worried look.

“Look, you have something, surgery or chemicals or ...” “Nanomachines, actually!” “Even better! They'll rejigger someone's cells and make them younger after a while, right?”

She hesitated. “It takes about a month for the body to regenerate, but ...”

“Super! So instead of all the hassle of catching and changing people, why not have them come to you?”

The doctor had started to move away from her erstwhile victim. “How do you expect that to happen?”

He was hitting his full stride now, and marketing plans were filling his head like visions of dollar-filled sugar-plums. “How much do you think Cher, or Alec Baldwin, or ... or Harrison Ford -- hell, ANY Hollywood A-lister who's getting old -- would pay for a treatment that would give them their career back? I mean think of how much money they have, and would pay, to look like they're in their prime!”

“But I'd still have to hide from the FDA....”

“Nonsense! Look at all the spas, health clubs, and supplement companies. They have to be sanitary, but none of them will do what you can! You'll make a REAL fortune, and you won't have to kidnap anyone! Just come up with a set of treatments that will knock, say, ten years off someone's apparent age. You don't think Raquel Welch, or Jane Fonda wouldn't pay you millions for a series of treatments?”

He cackled in glee, and he'd have rubbed his hands together in anticipation of piles of money to make Scrooge McDuck envious -- except for his shackles. For which his captor was a bit grateful.

“Are you related to Billy May or something?”

“Feh! Amateur! I have contacts, I tell you, that will make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams and as famous as Doctor Who!”

She blinked. “Isn't he a fictional character?”

He tried to wave his hand in dismissal. *clink* “Whatever. Just think of what you could accomplish!”

The scientist, feeling a bit dizzy, sat down as her plans were recast for her.

~Oh, God, I've created a monster! I suppose it could be worse, though.~

A sudden thunder of heavy rain pounded on her laboratory's roof.

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Comments

Good Story

Good story and your right, it could be worse it could be raining this is a quote fron Igor (Marty Feldman) in Young Frankenstien KUDOS on the story - RICHIE

I blame....

John in Wauwatosa quoted Igor in his posting Sig Line. Since he's to blame (in part) I thought I'd give him a hat tip, too.

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

the best movie!

Froderick: What a filthy, horrible job!
Igor: I don't know, It could be worse.
Froderick: *ptu* How?
Igor: It could be raining...
cue downpour
LOLS
Diana

LOLOLOLOLOL!

Mad Scientist meets Madison Avenue! God help us, we're all doomed! (Cackle!!!)


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

Sometimes you just gotta.

Karen,

I just had to write this one. It's too easy to get super-serious, with all we deal with in life.

A bit of humor keeps us a little more balanced.

(Some of us, anyway. ;-) )

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Loved it!

If she doesn't have a sadistic streak that demands she follow through on her original scheme, she'll do the smart thing and put the technology to work making rich people look and feel younger. Truly a land of opportunity! As Yakov Smirnoff once said, "America! What a country!"

Excellent work, from a marketing gal who knows potential when she sees it! *grin*

Randalynn

Exactly!

All these Evil Overlord/Mad Scientist types with their schemes to make themselves rich and powerful through crime?

Not a brain cell working between the lot of them....

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Yes, they could use

Yes, they could use capitalism, still be evil and it would actually be legal :D.

Thank you for writing this funny short story,
Beyogi

Funny

Elsbeth's picture

*insert evil scientist laugh* good story..

-Elsbeth

Is fearr Gaeilge briste, ná Béarla clíste.

Broken Irish is better than clever English.

you mean like this?

BWA-HA-HA-HA!

Nice story.

DogSig.png

Evil laugh advice

Just remember not to hurt your vocal cords. Proper evil scientist laughs take practice!

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

I prefer the Joker's laugh

I prefer the Joker's laugh myself...just don't ask me to do it on skype because I will...and it freaks people out even at Creepy Hollow.

Samirah M. Johnstone

Good to see you writing again.

And with a funny story, too.

I loved the line... ~Making sex slaves is thinking inside the box??~ She was beginning to wonder if she'd caught someone who wasn't sane enough to brainwash.

Fun and "Igor, it is raining."

Maggie

Humor

I've been working on 'Gates' and "Ma'at" as time allows, but Maureen jumped up and chained me to my laptop this morning until I got it written.

It's disconcerting to have a sniggering muse. :-/

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

LoL

LoL is something I've typed in chat or text messages a number of times. Usually it's actually just a quiet chuckle but everyone expects LoL back in response to something funny. This time I actually did laugh out loud. This was a really cute story. Thank you. :-)

Sincerely,
Jeff B.

Balanced?

A bit of humor keeps us a little more balanced.

Who are you trying to kid???

S.

delightfully daft

kristina l s's picture

... or maybe daftly delightful. To hell with boxes we need a warehouse. Suitably decorated and staffed of course.

Kristina

But What About The Poor?

joannebarbarella's picture

I'm talking about us. Lots of us would just LURVE to be turned into young nubile female sex slaves (ask Gwen Brown), but now your mad adman has deprived us of the opportunity because we'll have to find millions that we don't have instead of hanging about on street corners waiting to be kidnapped.

Life's not fair,

Joanne

Guinea Pigs

Joanne,

Let the rich be the guinea pigs. They get to pay through the nose for marginal stuff, even if it's one-of-a-kind-only-five-exist-in-the-world. Like plasma/LCD flat-screen TV.

They paid thousands then for what we can get for a couple hundred now. The production line scaled up, and now the things are cheap(er).

I'd expect the same here. Mad Scientist gets funded by vain stars/starlets; movie companies dump bucks in (LOTR with 'real' elves?). Mad scientist is forced to automate production to meet movie schedules and the price drops to $100 at Wal-Mart.

We wait for a few years, but they get the bugs out and we don't wind up looking like a "The Fly" stand-in.

Who knows. Maybe insurance would pay for it? (Fix your appendix and get a body update FREE! But WAIT! There's .... (sorry))

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Thanks for the quick chuckle

The best funny stories are always short and to the point. Oh, and funny, too! This one scores on all points!
.
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A roots sweater 3_0.JPG
The girl in me. She's always there, presently waiting for a comment from
Guest Reader explaining why we shouldn't like this story.

Fun little story.

Definitely enjoyed it itinerant but I thought "This is a bit short for Julie O.". I thought you were a pseudonym name for her as editor but I guess you're two different people. I don't see Julie usually make a comment in one of her stories.

I'm me ...

Sarang,

Julie O isn't suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder. ;) I have my own set of stories that are progressing all-too-slowly, but I serve as an editor for a couple of authors here.

I'm not at Bob Arnold's level, but I try.

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

The pain OOOO my, the pain nnnnn.

My ribs are hurting so much from laughing, just when you think things could not get any worse. A business man finds a way to make a lot of money from it. A quote from the man who crated money not bombs Nothing scares him more even after facing the worst disaster and famine in the world than a Suit with a cell phone to his ear.

With those with open eyes the world reads like a book

celtgirl_0.gif

Warning Label?

So I need to mark this as NSFW (not safe for work) due to explosive laughter?

A Spew warning to spare your monitor/keyboard/laptop?

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Could be worse

Could be my cousin Karen.

Divorced a few days ago and a widow as of July the 5th. He died in a car crash.

She was at the family get together on the fourth and said nothing but then he wasn't there so we should have guessed.

Just heard from my cousin Nancy, her oldest sister, minutes ago tonight.

Why does shit like this happen to nice people?

CRAP.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

Well, at least there was a

Well, at least there was a definitive end. I know that sounds callous, but I've seen too many people having way too many problems with 'ex' relationships.


I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

Ouch!

John,

I'm truly sorry for you and your family.

That's a tough situation to cope with.

Nicole (a.k.a. Itinerant)

--
Veni, Vidi, Velcro:
I came, I saw, I stuck around.

But wait, there's more!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAaE7sJahiw

One of the best Epic Rap Battles of History.

Sometimes you need a good laugh. I sure need one now.

Pray for my dear cousin Karen.

John in Wauwatosa

P.S, Damn. Some day it wil by my dad -- he's 85 now. How will I handle his death?

John in Wauwatosa

But WAIT! There's MORE!

But what about paying taxes?

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Not Just Funny

Wunderbar !

Itinerant, this was not merely very funny, but more true than is comfortable ! I worked in the Pharmaceutical Industry for many years, and big pharmaceutical companies actually have lots of manic marketing executives just like this one !

Briar