Pre op blues.

It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

Nope definitely the worst of times.

Why do I say that well....

You see although I currently look male I am apparently female inside. I have the whole female reproductive system that is starting to wake up. Funny thing is on the outside I have what looks very much like the male one. However it apparently isn't. It would be easier if I was one of those intersexed people I suppose but I am not. At least with the intersex category I get to choose.

Why am I writing this? Hard to say maybe so I don't feel nuts. Its crazy I spent most of my youthful years playing all manner of sports just like the other guys. I have the typical male bulge, although a tad undersized. I just assumed, like mom, I was just a late developer like my father was. I wasn't beefy like some of the other boys had started to become. I apparently never would.

You see not only am I female on the inside I am also allergic to testosterone. Well the synthetic version. The tiny bit my body produces isn't completely rejected. My hated female system is now beginning to produces loads of female hormones ie estrogen and is flooding my hormone starved system. What does that mean?

About a month ago I started getting an itchy chest. We assumed it was chest hair growing at a first but when my nipples became puffy looking, fearing an infection, we found out I was growing breast buds. Now some boys get gynocemastia. Girls just get buds. These buds eventually grow into breasts.

I have always had wide hips so when I gained a bit of weight around them we just assumed it was fat. Mostly we were not really looking for it but now naked its becoming apparently that I am developing feminine curves.

Its really hard to get my head around the fact that in a year or so I will look alot like the air headed bimbos. I just don't understand how girls can be so involved with clothing, makeup and all that. I am. of course, in therapy to help me deal with the girl issues. The doctors are all confident that they can take away my male bits and turn them into female bits that nobody would be able to tell.

Instead of fathering children I would be popping them out. Its really hard to write this. I am just 13 years old. Mom is already calling me Suzie. I miss my old name of Jared. Apparently had I been born female, err scratch that, born looking female I would be named Suzie. I know I could stop the production of female hormones but I also wouldn't grow either. Being under 5 feet at my age is almost worse than being a girl to the other kids.

Someone may one day look at this and think I am totally opposed to being female. Its not really true. I am just opposed to the air head bimbo into clothes and makeup. I know there is plenty of girls that do sports. I don't have to dress up in skirts and dresses. Although Mom says to give it a try as I might like it. Truthfully, I am scared I will lose my intelligence as I become more of a girl. Mom would just call me silly.

Dad is not taking it very well either. He had all these high hopes of things we could do together. I begged him that we could still do them,whatever they are but even he is calling me Suzie. "Girls cannot go camping and hunting with their fathers." I don't see why I can't. Its just not fair. He even took away my motorbike and sold it! I was going to do motocross next year as I was getting good enough.

Poor Dad, he sits in the living room alone watching the tv but not really seeing it. I have caught him doing so in the last week. Somehow I don't think he is really all that interested in infomercials about baby clothes and tampons.

God tampons and pads are in my future. I have seen the ones Mom has, she showed me what they are for and how to use them. I don't yet have to use them which is gonna change in the next few hours. I have surgery today to open up my vagina to allow drainage. Its not the complete vaginoplasty thing. Its just putting in an opening so if I do start to menstruate it has someplace to drain too.

I have never liked doctors, and now probably even less. So here I sit in my hospital gown. The first pink one I have even worn and it is annoying on my nipples. I don't know about pink though. It seems ok not my first choice for color but is better than that ugly blue I used to wear when I was in the hospital for checkups.

So for now I am gonna stop crying, I do that alot lately, and try to be a brave b...girl and just live by putting one step forward.

J..Suzie(god that feels strange to write)

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