My name is Jeff and for years, now and then, I get these compulsions to see myself as a girl. It has become a ongoing tension between my parents and me once it became known. It was supposed to be a thing of the past. Two weeks before school let out for Christmas break, I had an urge to get sick at school; it was the only way I could be alone at home. I worked myself up to be sick until I finally got sent home from school.
Weeks ago, I found some clothes that Maria, a neighbor friend, was throwing out. I had taken them, without anyone knowing, but I had not yet had a chance to try them on.
It was 10:30 a.m. when I was finally home from school. My regular clothes were coming off as I was closing the door behind me. I retrieved a box pushed way back under my bed and pulled out a light blue skirt and a pink print blouse. I searched and found a pair of panties and a training bra. It was not the ideal outfit but it is special to me. I quickly changed, I even got a pair of my mom’s pantyhose to put on. I took them out of the laundry, so she would not miss them.
I was sitting at her vanity using some of her make-up when I heard someone in the house. I turned around to find my mother entering her room. She was surprised, but seemingly not as surprised as I was. “Mom, what are you doing Home?” I quickly apologized and made excuses for what I was doing.
“Mom please let me out of the room and I will quickly change; I promise I won’t do it ever again.”
She said, “Stand up and don’t try to go rushing anyplace… Now come with me and we will talk young lady.”
“Mom, I am not a young lady and I am sorry. I promise…”
She said, “Aren’t you getting ready for crossover day?”
I asked, “How did you know about Crossover day?”
My mother says, “So, you were planning to dress up and go to school as a girl on Wednesday?”
“What made you think that?”
She mentions a note I brought home the week before. “Well the note you brought home from school last week for one and your being dressed as a girl now young lady.” I thought it was a note about me getting into trouble again with the Vice Principal.
“Mom, could you stop calling me a young lady? The only note I brought home last week was in that envelop I had to give you when I got in trouble at school.”
"That note did not tell me you were in trouble again at school. It was about this Crossover Day and when I talked to you said you and Marie were going to do something in support of Eddie. I asked what, but you said 'I didn’t need to worry about it that Marie was going to help you.' ...So now tell me about this trouble you got into.”
“Mom, it was the usual of being pushed around and I got agitated. But it was me who was caught for pushing back.”
Mom was back, talking about the Crossover Day. “So is Marie helping you for Crossover day?”
“I guess mom, we are working together! I told you we can handle it on our own.”
“Well in light of what I see you could use some help. I am not sure you know what you are doing. I am not surprised if you don't want your mother to be the one who helps you dress Wednesday. Did you get those clothes from Marie?”
I didn’t want to tell her the full truth so simply I said, “Yes, Mom is it okay if I get changed now?”
She says, “Actually no, you can stay like that and we will get some lunch.”
“But Mom, you don’t want to see me like this, and what if Dad comes home for lunch?”
“You’re right, I didn’t want to see you like this, but I don’t mind considering I have a daughter around for a little bit. Regarding your father, if he comes home; he might as well have the same shock I did. You are lucky. If you were younger you would probably be spanked for doing something like this, behind our backs.”
Mom led me out to the kitchen and directed me to get out the stuff to make sandwiches. She went back to her room and got a pair of sandals for me to wear. I put on the sandals and mom smiled. Then she place an apron over my head and wrapped it around my body tying it on in back.
When we were finished eating, mom asked to see my hands and began to give them a manicure. It had been a year since she had done them. She always did a much better and more thorough job than I did. I always enjoyed it. I thought we were finished as this is all she usually did. She told me to wait. When she came back she had three bottles of nail polish and asked me which color I preferred. I told her, "None, I don't want my nails polished.
She said “That is not an acceptable answer.”
Finally I said, “On a girl the rose pink would be nice.” Mom opened the small bottle and took my hand. Once she had my hand I knew better that to pull it away. I said, “No.” But she went ahead anyway. She was doing a very nice job, even I liked the look, but I knew enough to protest.
She then brushed out my hair to make it look more feminine in appearance. She was pleased and asked me what I was going to do with my hair come Wednesday. I told her I didn’t know. That I was considering backing out. Mom suggested, "You should talk to Marie and Eddy before you change anything." Since I didn’t have anything set up I agreed.
It was now an hour before school let out and mom suggested I go with her shopping before school got out. I shared I was not comfortable in going out dressed like I was. She said, “You need to get use to it for crossover day. Plus, it was not really a suggestion.” With that she opened the door and pushed me toward the car.
I go to the car saying, "I'm not getting out in public."
She just said, “If we hurried, we could be there and on our way home before school is out.” I couldn't believe it; she drove to Sears about twenty minutes away and has me out of the car and walking into the store. We walked into the women’s section and I'm praying it would be a matter of just grabbing something and getting back out. My prayer is not answered in the affirmative. She tells a saleswoman, “I am helping my son get some underwear and pantyhose for their crossover day.”
The woman did not look too happy but she quickly got her composure, “Yes, I can help you. You do look nice young lady.”
Mom looked at me saying, “Well, what do you say to her about that compliment?”
“Thank you Mam.”
The saleswoman asked, "Do you want pastels or prints, cotton or nylon, regular briefs, bikini style or high cut?"
I was slow in answering as I was going to say 'I don’t care', but I knew that would get criticism from my mom. I did not want an episode to draw the attention of others nearby. “Pastels would be nice, but I’m not sure about the style or the other thing.”
Mom replied, “Satin briefs if you have them.”
The saleswoman asks, "Do you want one, three or a six pack?"
I slowly and quietly said, “One.” Mom spoke up saying, “We might as well get the six pack as well as some pantyhose. He might decide he likes them better than his own.”
The woman asks my height and weight and then grabs three different shades of pantyhose and asks which ones we want. Mom replies that one of each would be fine. We bought the items and were on our way out when we passed by the cosmetic jewelry. Mom paused and asks if I had any earrings. While she was looking through them, another salesperson came over to help.
Mom told her what we were doing. She drew my mom away from the first display of jewelry saying, “That is for younger girls. If you don’t mind paying just a bit more here is a nice set with earrings, necklace and bracelet on sale.” She pulls out three different sets. She took one set of earrings and placed one up by my right ear. “What do you think?”
I quickly spoke up saying, “They are nice but much too expensive. They're too much for one day at school.”
Mom shares, “As long as she thinks they are very nice, we will get them. I suspect she will wear them more often.”
The saleswoman said, "We could pierce her ears, even as a boy that is acceptable and we have a nice set. Get a second pair and the piercing is free."
Mom asks me to be seated, which I did not understand to mean I would have my ears pierced. The woman said she would be right back. When she came with equipment to put in the earrings, I then spoke up. Mom said it was too late.
The woman said I was lucky to have an understanding and supportive mother.
I said, "I was only dressing like this in support of a friend." The saleswoman looked at my mother, who told her I had dressed myself. She said “While the combination is okay, you should at least look at the sales items and see if there were things that coordinate a bit better.”
Upset I said, “I wouldn’t have any idea of what was better and I am satisfied with what I have.”
Mom spoke up and asks the young saleswoman, “Do you think you could help us?”
The woman asks me to hold still as she pierced and set two earrings in each ear. She took me by the hand and we were back in the young women’s section. She was going through the clearance items but saw me look at an outfit on display. “That's a good choice, they are not clearance items but they are on sale. What size are you a six or eight.”
I was not very big, but I did not know women’s sizes. She hands me a set and asks me to try them on. I say, “It is uncomfortable for me to try them on as I'm dressed and the boys’ changing room is a distance away.”
She says, “No, you will need to use the women’s dressing room. I will stand guard outside the first changing room. If you need help, your mother can do that.” I balked saying it was not a good idea. But Mom pushes me and hands me the clothes.
I walk into the changing room and try on the outfit. While I think it looks nice, the skirt is short. The saleswoman asks me to step out for them to see. I said no until, Mom insisted I step out. They like what they see, while I continued to complain. The saleswoman says, "There is another skirt, but it is shorter. You know, if you are dressing up in support of a friend. You might as well be sensitized to how a woman feels everyday.”
“Touche,” replies my mother. “We can either get this outfit or stand here and argue. I thought you wanted to be out of here when the schools got out.”
The saleswoman smiled and said, “I guess it is a sale then. Nice as you look, you don’t need to worry about others, I think you make a convincing young woman.”
I thank her for the compliment, but only because my mom nudged me. We got into a longer discussion as things were rung up. The salesgirl says, she had a cousin who cross-dressed. She said he went through years of grief and teasing. She wishes me luck and asks me to come back. We were leaving as she asks, "Are your brothers supportive and nice to you?"
I had not told her I had brothers. She says, “I recognized your mother from being with Roger, so I am guessing you are the youngest brother.” She gave me a hug and shares, "It will be our secret, but I do hope to see you back."
A number of young shoppers were showing up at the store as we were yet there. A younger girl was passing by, she said, “Look Mummy isn’t she a pretty girl for a boy.”
My mom took my hand and whisks me to the car. She smiles, "Did you realize that girl was not aghast at seeing you, but saw you as a boy who made a pretty girl."
Mom asked me if I had Marie’s phone number and then asks me to call her. I am sure Marie would still be at school with activities and unable to answer her phone. So I call but when Marie answers, I struggle to say hello, and my Mom took the phone from my hand. “Marie, it’s Jeff’s mom. I wanted to share I got her a new skirt outfit for Wednesday. What I want to know is if you have any idea of what to do to make her hair more like a girl’s.”
Marie asks who, she, was? Mom apologized, and shared, "I'm Mrs. Greene, Jeff’s mom." Marie giggles and asks if she could call us when we got home. I was totally embarrassed and just thankful that Marie had not told on me yet. She had quickly guessed I had been caught crossdressing.
I had not known but Marie had already guessed that I had dressed in girl’s clothes. She calls me an hour later, and when I ask where she is she says, "Downstairs talking to your mother about Wednesday." When I get to the kitchen she laughs as I'm still in her old skirt and blouse. Mom had not allowed me to change my clothes.
“Oh Jeff, I didn’t realize we wore the same size… I told your mom that my mother had said you could stay over tomorrow night. That way, we could get you up early and help you get dressed on time. My mom also has a wig we could use for the day.”
I'm taken aback by all that was happening and that it was very accepted by them. Even when dad came home, while there was a small explosion, he quickly changed. I could tell he was not happy in seeing me as a girl, but he actually became strong in his acceptance. He, in fact, insisted, "You need go to school tomorrow, dressed as a girl."
Marie was going to let me wear a pair of her jeans and a blouse. My father insists that the outfit be very feminine and girl like. He preferred a skirt, and insisted on make-up and a bra as well as my hair done in some girly fashion. I insisted, everyone understand that I was doing this in support of Eddy.
Marie went home and came back with a culottes’ jean skirt and a lace embroidered blouse called a camisole, with a white blouse to go over it as well as a bra. It made for a sharp outfit if it were on Marie. Marie also brought back a fall that she often wore. Our hair colors were both dark and nearly the same shade of brown. With a hair wide band it actually worked quite well.
Mom woke me up 45 minutes earlier in the morning. By the time I was dressed and to begin my make-up I got a call from Marie. She knew my mother was waking me up early. She asked me how the girl regiment was going. She encouraged me to remember to bring my outfit for the following day in my back pack.
I was progressing along fine, when I actually started to become sick, Mom said, "You're just having a small panic attack as you begin to see a boy in girl’s clothing." Mom quickly nixed the idea that I would be sick and staying home. She used a comb on the front of my hair, took a pair of scissors and cut my hair and brushed it giving me the appearance of sweeping bangs.
She pulled a few eye brows and worked on my make-up. The next time I looked there was a strange girl looking back. When I went to eat breakfast I was hassled by my brothers, my mom spoke up and told them to take it easy, but she did not tell them to stop.
Dad chimed in on his way out to work. He too shared that his youngest looked a mixture of plain Jane and a pansy boy. Strongly suggesting to my mom I needed a bit more make-up. Mom told me to redo my lips after breakfast and to put on some light eye shadow.
I did as I was told and was ready when Marie and Sandy came to pick me up. Marie lightly laughed and Sandy smiled as they saw me. Marie asked my mom if they could help me with my make-up to being a girl a little more. I spoke up that they should be asking me, but my mom spoke up and said yes.
Mom again told me as I left I needed to get my Christmas wish list in.
Marie took me by the hand and we scooted out to the car. I was told to get back out when I jumped into the car. Marie said, “Culottes or skirts the rules are the same; you don’t act as a boy or a girl who doesn't care.” I had to get out and do it right.
My brothers teased me, as my mother looked on with a smile.
Sandy and Marie did almost all of the talking even though much of it was about me. Sandy asked how long I had been dressing in girl clothes.
I told her I was just doing it for Eddy but Marie told her that I had taken some of her clothes that she tried to throw out. Sandy said, “Unless your mother dressed you and did everything, it looks like you have had done this before. So what interests you in girl clothes?”
I told her, “I am not interested in girl clothes; Marie and Mom are the ones making this a big deal.”
She said sarcastically, “Is that why you have a new outfit for tomorrow and you are dressing as a girl today?”
When we got to school, I quickly became real scared, saying I need to go home and change. Marie said, “Your mother expected this. She said, she and your dad said you need to go through with it. I will help you as much as I can. I think Eddie is grateful to you but he is not sure if his support would be helpful or make things worse for you."
Walking into school on a scale of 1 to 10 was a 2 and that was falling, but when we separated ways I quickly stuck out like a sore thumb. Besides getting heckled, I was pushed or bumped into my locker several times. Losing my balance and falling down brought laughter from many. Though one girl and then another came to help me.
A girl named Gail in homeroom said I needed to fix my make-up. The homeroom teacher quickly spoke up and told me to go to the girls’ room and do the same. She lightly smiled, when I said, “I don’t think I can.” She took Gail and me out to the hallway and told me to quickly fix my make-up there. Even though it was not crossover day, the teachers did not give me any trouble.
I focused on my classwork to ignore the side comments that were being said. Two teachers complimented that my classroom behavior was much better. Both jokingly suggested, I continue dressing this way if this would be the result. I even had two quizzes and found them easier to concentrate on. My regular friends said hello but most back-off from doing anything with me.
Ed was the one exception. He asked about my ears being pierced and what I liked most about being a girl. I told him "Eddie, it was like one accident after another that snowballed going downhill." He said I looked like a pretty snowball. I surprised myself thanking him for the compliment. We agreed about how girls had it nicer than guys.
He asked me if I would ever go out dressed like a girl. He smiled when I told him I already had been shopping with my Mom. “That is neat, I hope you enjoyed it. But I meant would you ever go out with a boy dressed as a girl.”
I laughed, “I don’t think I will ever have to worry about some guy asking me out.”
I blushed when he said, "I would, and if you look any better I think there might even be a few other boys who would ask you for a date.”
“I take that as an unwanted compliment,” I then got quiet.
“What is your girl name?”
“I thought about Jessica, it would be two “s” instead of 'fs'.”
Eddie said, “So you have thought about being out as a girl. I am glad you are doing this for me, but admit it you are also doing it for yourself.”
I said, “Don’t go there Eddie, I am doing it for you period.”
We were going down the hall when I got knocked hard into the lockers. Then it happened again and finally someone punched me in the face. Ed said I was bleeding a bit, which in a strange way was a relief. I needed to go to the restroom, but thought I couldn’t. This would give me an excuse for going to the nurse’s office and using the restroom there.
Nurse Hansen was a friend of the family and she had mixed emotions about seeing me. “Jeff… what am I to call you?”
“Jeff is fine.”
She insisted, “Tell me your girl name if you have one.”
“Jess or Jessica, but please just call me Jeff today.”
She said, “So Jess what happened and where are you hurt?”
“I got blocked into a set of lockers twice and then punched and I am not sure who did it. You can see I'm cut… I need to go to the restroom.”
“If that is why you came in you can sit there five minutes.”
“But what if I can’t wait five minutes?”
“You will probably wet your panties,” she whispered and then smiled.
“Now, where else did you get hurt?”
“If you need to know I hit the lockers with my hip and shoulder, but I don’t think either was badly hurt.”
She said, “How do you like being on the short end of a girl problem?”
“I don’t and I don’t hit girls or guys like this.”
Nurse Hansen says, “I know you have been taught better, but I have also seen some innocent people hurt by the trouble you get yourself into. Now get behind the screen and I want to check your hip and shoulder just as a precaution.”
I said, “You’re not doing this to humble me a little.”
She smiled, “No that is just an added benefit… You look okay, I suggest you use the restroom, and check your make-up before getting back to class, after you help with a few items. I hope tomorrow will be the last of this, if you can.” I went back to class.
Marie was in my last class, she passed me a note saying, “If they thought you too girly today what will they think tomorrow?” A second note came from Sandy, “Nice job on touching up your make-up and hair.” I smile as I thought it was a nice compliment coming from a girl who's very good at both.
When school was over I knew had a few guys waiting for me at the exit to the parking lot. Marie suggests, I let her and Sandy get their car and then I should use the northeast exit. That worked fine, but Sandy stopped at a store with a soda fountain suggesting we go and get something to drink. I said no but they were already on their way out of the car.
I got practice trying to keep my composure and not blushing big time. Sandy took us to Marie’s and Mrs. Ford welcomed me warmly. “You can go and change into what you are wearing tomorrow. I hear you are real cute in it.”
I told her, “The outfit might be cute but not on me.”
She said, “That is why we are checking it out tonight. You should be looking even more like a girl tomorrow. Though I am already impressed with how good you look… I suspect that is one of the things that upset the boys.”
“I don’t think it was how good I looked, just being dressed as a girl was enough. There is no good excuse for a guy to get away with that anyway.”
She said, “I agree with you, but did you ever say that before you got saw someone else get knocked around?”
I said, “Maybe not as much as I should have, but yes, I never liked others being bullied.”
Marie said, “Mom, I remember sometimes he was on the short end for defending someone. I have not always spoken up as quickly as he has.”
Sandy, “Yeah, I remember once in fifth grade, he came to my rescue and really let a bigger kid have it. I never believed I would see this dynamo in skirts though.”
Mrs. Ford told me, “Go get changed and do not listen to all the nice things being said.” I balked at the idea but Mrs. Ford strongly said she was not kidding and I was to get to it. I went and changed, including wearing my new panties and one of Marie’s old bras.
Before I could dress, Marie told me “Take a shower and shave your legs and shampoo and condition your hair.” I did as she told me. While my legs aren’t very hairy, I'm pleasantly surprised by how nice my legs feel afterwards. The pantyhose and skirt feel especially nice as I put them on.
Marie and Sandy keep pestering me to see me in the outfit. I tell them I'm dressed but not ready to come out. They came in to see me. I'm embarrassed and they're overjoyed to see me. Sandy helps me to put my hair up in a ponytail as I already have it long for a guy.
Marie finds me a pair of shoes to wear. The shoes had a two inch heel which is acceptable for school. Mrs. Ford is very nice when she sees me, but I'm not ready to be seen by her husband and two younger daughters. The youngest speaks up, “Mommy, are you going to make her to be a pretty girl?”
We three girls are put to work setting the table. The others had to go wash but I stayed behind with Mrs. Ford to help with the meal. We had a good dinner and I was fairly relaxed by the end of the meal. Mr. Ford cleaned up the table and got their younger girls ready for bed. Sandy and Marie did the dishes.
Mrs. Ford takes me to her bathroom to work on my make-up. She has me cleanse my face and then focuses on showing me how to use a concealer, foundation and then lightly did my make-up. She said, "We will use a bit more concealer in the morning; I just wanted to show you how nice you could look and gain a little confidence before you get ready to sleep later.
They kept me away from mirrors all the while they marvel at my transformation. They're almost done as Marie is sent to get the wig. The wig is with dark hair and not the dirty-blonde that Marie had spoken of the day before. It's more typical for high school instead of a style Mrs. Ford might wear. Mrs. Ford put it in place, pinned it on and brushed it out. It is nice to feel longer hair down the back of my neck and being brushed and combed into place.
Their youngest girl is so excited and complimenting the beautiful job her mother is doing. Mrs. Ford asked her to be quiet, “But Mommy she should be excited about being such a pretty girl.” She's being very nice, but I didn't really believe her enthusiasm. They have me close my eyes as they walk me over to a mirror. “Open your eyes Jessie, and tell us what you see?”
“Oh my, there’s a beautiful girl there!” My knees started to go out as someone caught me. Then I needed to run for the bathroom before I peed. It was embarrassing as Marie had to turn me around and undo a button and started the zipper. I was pulling things down as she went out and shut the door behind her.
“I guess she is happy with how she looks,” I heard her mom say. I was nervous, hoping I'd be able to put myself back together properly.
“She is very much a girl isn’t she.” I'm not sure exactly what that meant. “Knees together when you are sitting and sit up straight please,” she said. I did as she asks. Mrs. Ford took a number of pictures. Mrs. Ford and Marie took turns holding me as I was getting use to heels. They're encouraging me about how good I should feel going into tomorrow. They keep me dressed up, walking around and sitting for well over another 30 minutes.
Marie is sent to run a bubble bath, then I realized it was for me. I complain that bubble baths were for girls and the others giggle. When I am finally in the bubble bath I enjoy being a girl. Mrs. Ford comes in to visit with me when I am to get ready for bed. I ask where I am sleeping. She says, "If it is safe; we would have you sleep in the extra bed in Marie’s room."
Unfortunately it is safe as Marie is one of my best friends and I see Marie like a sister. I would be interested in dating her but I see her as far too pretty for me and out of my class when it came to dating. I didn’t think I would be allowed to sleep in Marie’s room as I am still all boy. Well maybe not all boy.
I am in a set of teddy bear pajamas and told I make a good girl. Mrs. Ford tucks me in while Marie is still in the shower. I'm tickled as it had been since I was a little boy that I remembered being tucked into bed. I'm almost asleep when Marie came back into the room, forgetting I am there.
She drying her hair with a large towel wrapped around her chest. The towel is a good size but not fully covering everything it needed to, but it did not make a difference. Marie let the towel loosen and fall to the floor. I'm shocked but instead of turning my head, I am like a deer caught in the headlights.
Marie has fun as she recovers, dries herself off and puts on a nice red satin pair of pajamas. I quickly get up and run to the bathroom as I'm nervous once again. I am back in bed when Marie came over and put a clear lip gloss on me to keep my lips nice and soft. I told her, "I want to go out and sleep on the couch before I get into trouble."
Marie tells me, I would be forced to tell about the towel falling if I tried sleeping on the couch now. It was after 12:30 when I finally fell asleep.
Marie scoots into my bed, held me and asks me to talk, "Tell me about dressing up in girl clothes, how long have you been dressing like this?" I tried to make excuses but she did away with one after the other.
“Jeff, you were wearing clothes I was giving away to be picked up. Tonight, you put on some make-up contrary to mom’s instruction, yet you looked very good. You have been doing this for awhile… Your mom told my mom, your parents are following the directions of a counselor. He said you need to learn to live with the consequences even if that means embarrassing yourself or getting in trouble.”
Marie says, “My Mom has a friend as well as a distant relative who are what some people call transgender people. They are different from one another in ways, as well as co-workers who are gay or lesbian. She doesn’t believe your parents have been given good counsel on how to respond to you.”
“Marie, I am not gay. I…” I started to cry. We talked for awhile, but I fall asleep.”
Mrs. Ford found us together when she came to get us up. Marie quickly explained our conversation and my falling asleep on her. Luckily Mrs. Ford knew Marie was telling the truth. We were quickly sent into action in getting prepared for the day. I was dressed and went to eat breakfast before doing my make-up.
Today when we got to school, Sandy and Marie followed me all the way to my locker. I walked with Marie back to her locker and then continue on to homeroom.
Two classmates recognize Jessie as Jeff and find themselves talking to me as one of the girls. One might be about ready to ask Jessie out when he sees Eddy come up and begins to talk with him. I make it to the end of the third class before I'm called down to the principal’s office.
"Jeff, you failed to register yourself to attend the school like this that is contrary to school policy for both yesterday and today."
I said, "Part of today’s event indicates that for some that policy is arbitrary and discriminates against them."
“Your case has more merit if you are willing to acknowledge that you are gay and that you choose this as an optional form of dress for the remainder of the school year,” said the Principal.
I am not gay but I do acknowledge I am doing it to stand up for Eddy and others.
He said, "That is not recognized as an excuse for not abiding by the rules. Without the permission slip of your parents I find you guilty of breaking two code violations as well as not having registered for today’s action as requested by the school. You face two days of detention and two days of suspension. Your parents have asked for the school’s forgiveness and understanding and the discipline to be dropped if you would change back into proper attire and agree not to break school policy in the future.”
I'm shocked, “I am sorry but to do so would belittle this day. You might not like it, but the school board approved it!”
I ate lunch with Marie, Sandy and Eddy. Ed shared that my cross dressing yesterday made it easier for some students to accept today.
More than a few people had warmed up to Eddy and some of the other LGBT students. I hear a few new dates are even being made. A basketball player asks me if I would go out with her. The one requirement for her is that I go as Jessie. I actually had another good day with class work.
There are other teachers and students making threats and not happy to see more students acting like me today. I'm warned, "This issue could get a bit worse if you want to cause us trouble."
Oddly as Jessie, I am reading and speaking better than Jeff usually does. Once during school and then immediately after Marie called to “Jeff” to get my attention. But it was not until she called me “Jess” that I responded. The last class when I handed in a paper I was called up to the teacher and she challenged the paper I turned in. She said, it was not mine.
It was then noticed that Jessie had her own hand writing. She gave me a note I was to take and share with the school nurse. Nurse Hansen shook her head muttering it was not good. Seemingly she knew something I didn’t. She said “Your father will see to it that it is not a concern in the future.” I was sent back to class to finish school for the day.
Some other students complimented me for at least looking like a girl. Several girls got into conversations with me about how nice my skirt and top complimented each other. They liked asking questions like, if I would go shopping with them or how I went to the bathroom. During my second period class a group of girls were talking with me and even asked if I would go out on a group date if they got me a guy.
I said, “That is not funny; there aren’t any nice guys who would go out with me.”
One said, “Good, so you would go out if we lined up a date with a nice guy?”
Girls throughout the day found one excuse or another for touching the fabric of my clothes even lifting a hem. What I didn’t enjoy was being told: I looked more natural, I was more acceptable than others. Some said they did not believe in hitting or beating up TG people but that most were kind of asking for it.
I disagreed, “Eddy and others have much more courage in being themselves than I do.”
Marie and Sandy gave me a ride home, but we went by the way of Kohls. I knew better than to buy anything, but the cosmetic lady was gracious to giving each of us a light makeover. Several other girls from school had come searching us out. We went to an ice cream shoppe on the way home. Four of the five girls, bought one cosmetic item I should have.
Several workers including our waitress figured out I was me. The waitress shared she was happy but surprised that my parents would let me do this. When I told her they bought the outfit she was really surprised.
Marie and Sandy wanted to shop for a while but my mom encouraged them not to as Jeff needed to get back to being himself. Marie asked if I was in trouble. Mom responded, "It would be what he makes it." I went and changed and mom asked me to collect my girl things and to place them in a trash bag. I intended to go back as Jeff, but I was leery and upset as I'm told what would happen with my girl stuff.
I had my jeans and a shirt on and was back out doing my chores. I felt odd and missed having a skirt and my girl clothes on but convinced myself I would get over it. I did go back to my room and put on a pair of panties and a set of earrings on. My brothers gave me just a bit of grief saying it had been embarrassing to have a sissy sister all of a sudden. We got in a few arguments, not the least was about me being a sissy. The truth was my family was usually very open-minded but I guess that was as long as it didn’t get this close to home and family.
Dad is no sooner home and I'm being told I had my taste and that stage of my life is to be over and done. Dad tells me to get all my stuff as it will be thrown out. I got mad but kept my cool and asked if we could put it out for Goodwill or Salvation Army.
Dad said, I could bag it up separately and if it got collected fine but it was all to go. I had everything bagged up by 7:00 p.m. Dad asked if that was all and then called me a liar as I still had earrings on. I apologized but Dad was set on everything being thrown out. Luckily I had double bagged my stuff as he was putting my bags into larger garbage bin just to crush my girl spirit.
He mentioned the doctor we had gone to who said I needed to be forced to get over it. I pleaded with my mom to intervene to get my dad to be a little fairer. Mom gave me a hug but said we needed to do as my Dad said.
Suddenly I snapped and said “You know it was that Doctor who lied and my thoughts and feelings have always come back. The Fords and others know and you can’t take my friends away from me.”
Dad snapped back, “You and Marie are not to be together until this is over. If need be you will not be part of things when we are together! Do you understand. Mrs. Ford knew this is your last hooray and that it is to be over.”
I said, “She would not agree with that!”
Mom said, “She doesn’t have to agree but she is willing to do as we ask. She and Marie will get over it, now so do you.”
I'm getting more upset and losing my temper at the moment. I remembered a dress that I hid away. I ran off found the dress and changed. When Mom checked on me she was dismayed and called by Dad. My Dad said maybe it was just as well, maybe it was Jessie and not Jeff that needed to be punished. My dad pulled me over to him sat down, raised the skirt of the dress and gave me a good spanking.
Dad told me to get to bed before I got into more trouble. I go to bed but wait only for my parents to leave me alone and to do other things. It is 10:30 when I sneaked out my window and collected my girl clothes and took them over to the Fords. I asked Marie to hide and save them for me. It was an hour later and I saw a police car at my home. I knew I was in trouble but I neither want to be caught dressed like a girl or to be in trouble again with my father.
I stay in the neighborhood close enough to see but not be seen. It is getting colder and I did not have enough clothes to stay warm. I stopped at a convenient store for a hot chocolate, and I got away just before a police car came and stopped.
I checked the nearby churches to discover all are locked. Luckily I remembered the train station that had a waiting area that would be open and heated.
I have a change of clothes so I could go to school in the morning. I did not want to get in trouble for skipping school as well. I was called to the office at 11:00 a.m.
The police come there and my parents soon after that. I'm told I need to change now and go home after school. They said, if the police came after me I would could find myself in juvenile court. Mom had asks me for my Christmas list, but both my parents became angry when I listed a doll and make-up kit and girl clothes. I said I know I am not getting them, but they needed to respect my own beliefs.
One of my brothers teased me and we got in a fight, but only I am chided. Dad has been told by the advising doctor to do anything that secures my male identity and anything to repulse my desire to be feminine. So my dad taking me to the barbers to get a regular haircut is not a surprise.
When my dad requested a butch hair cut, I quickly bolted out of the seat. I was next to the door when I stop and requested a change of haircuts. Instead of giving any ground my dad said I need to get back in the chair and not make more trouble. My brother mocks me saying, “Say good-bye to the sissy.”
I said “No.” I pushed my brother as he came for me I bolted out of the door and down the street. My brother is usually faster, but he was surprised and not ready to run after me. I quickly ran over to another block, and then made my way to various hiding places.
I know I'm in big trouble this time and I quickly called Marie to ask if she or Sandy could give me a little money as I need to be running away and did not want to get in trouble for stealing. I made my way to the Ford’s and Marie would drop her coat out the window with as much money as she could find. She had even busted into her bank, I could tell by the fact the dollars were squished and there was a lot of change. She had thrown out a book bag with three skirt outfits and a note suggesting I stay in the top of their garage tonight.
I figured people would be looking for a boy trying to get lost in NYC, which I knew that was way too risky and much more expensive. Come morning, I caught a ride to Somerville and made my way to Flemington by the next evening. I'm eating at a diner when I noticed a police officer looking my way. He came over and asked me my name and we talked.
He sat back down finished his coffee and left. While I finished eating, two State Troopers came in, one a woman officer. As I was going out the woman called to me as “Jessie’. When I turned she knew she had made me and asked me to stand still please. I panicked and started to run outside.
They were in quick pursuit, when I ran and twisted my ankle and hit my hip falling down as I tried to run from them. The woman officer was on me just lightly holding me down. “Jessie, it is over, please do not make it worse on yourself.” She asked me if I was hurt and then checked my ankle.
“Do you think you can ride with me to the hospital or do we need to cuff you and go directly to jail?” The injuries landed me in the hospital, instead of a juvenile detention center. She asked if I was in fact the runaway Jessica Greene. She thanked me when I acknowledge I was. Come morning I was also in for a seventy-two hour psych evaluation. The hospital gave me the choice and I chose the pink hospital gown. I drew a resident doctor to head up my evaluation and I quickly liked her as she allowed me to wear my girl clothes that I had with me when arrested.
Dr. Deb took my history of cross dressing. She affirmed the other doctor’s steps of suppressing my gender identity issues, were not considered effective by most. She said they tended to do more long term damage instead of effectively being therapeutic. She said, it was neither client centered nor good medicine.
The other doctor was granted permission to do his own evaluation on behalf of the family. That doctor advised my parents that the circumstances of hospital, juvenile detention and the holidays would cause me to quickly fall in line. He insisted my parents not to back down on their stance.
Visits from the Fords, Sandy and Eddy help me through the coming days. Marie actually redoes my nails as we visit. I am making friends with many on the hospital staff as well as with the police keeping an eye on me. Dr. Hardcore as I call him requested my clothing be changed and my hair be cut at the request of the family. The Hospital refused as I was now the ward of the state and courts. One nurse in brushing out my hair says it is now long enough to hold a girly hairdo.
I became very tense on Monday, day three of my evaluation. The finding warranted an extended stay, and the possibility of my being verified as having a gender dysphoria. I am give two possibilities for being home for the holidays. The first required I gave into the following requirements: 1) giving in to all my family requests; 2) no more running away and 3) to give up my friends at odds with the family’s decisions.
The other possibility was for someone being willing to take me on as a foster child. Since I was still nervous I had an ankle monitor put on me. It was now Wednesday and I was melancholy as Christmas was coming. My fate seemed to be that I would still be at the hospital. Group homes didn’t want me because of my identity issues It was unlikely I would be placed until after Christmas.
It was Wednesday afternoon when I had a strange visitor. Mrs. Sharon Petersen had come to visit me, with her two year old daughter. She had been my sixth grade grammar teacher. Unfortunately, while I liked her very much I had caused her grief on numerous occasions. But then, why is she here?
She introduced her daughter Brianna who I took and cuddled in my arms. “Miss. Stafford... Oops! Mrs. Petersen, I am sorry for how I was in sixth grade, but what brings you here?" I complimented on how cute her daughter was, "Your daughter has your good looks and fine features.”
She heard I was in the hospital and would be remaining through Christmas. She said, “Thanks, Brianna is a pretty girl and a great joy. I have the desire to help make this a very happy Christmas for some girl and us.”
I ask, “Why are you here?”
She said, “I was hoping you would come and help us fill my Christmas wish.”
“I am not accepted as a girl and I am afraid, I could not bless your Christmas with anything but trouble.”
Mrs. Peterson says, “I am told you are here because you are not willing to give up your second self. I thought you would welcome a chance to be a girl and have a merry Christmas.”
I confess, “That chance and would be beautiful. I treasured you as a teacher, but I hurt you and I have never forgiven myself. Now to spend Christmas with you and then come back here; it would be better for me to remain here and not hurt you again. I'm afraid come time to come back I might make some trouble and do something foolish.”
She warmly smiled, “The biggest hurt would in fact be if you would not be Brianna’s big sister for Christmas.”
Dr. Deb came in and Ms. Petersen asked about the possibility of having me with them during the holidays. Deb openly shared it would be a big responsibility. The hospital and authorities would not be quick to grant the request with the likelihood of an unfavorable outcome."
Sharon asked if I could watch Brianna while they talked. I requested the diaper bag as I was sure Bree needed to be changed. They no sooner left and Brianna said “Potty.” I knew one girl on the floor who had a potty chair for her toddler and we asked permission to use it. Bri was a good girl and did go potty.
I still had to clean her up. Then I took her around to see the other patients. She brought a smile to them and the staff. I watched Bree for over an hour. Marie and Mrs. Ford came to visit and were taken back by my being in such a girl mode. “You look every bit of a big sister there Jessie.”
Marie spoke up as Ms Petersen is coming in the room behind her. “Jess, you are a little too old to be her daughter.”
Ms. Petersen, “Marie would you mind if that were my problem. Jessie has warmed my heart and if she would call me mother I would be very happy.” Marie jumped and blushed in embarrassment. She gave Ms. Petersen a big hug. Marie not only was known by Ms. Petersen as a good student but as a big sister who helped middle school students. I did not know that.
Mrs Petersen, “Is Jessie the girl you told me about?” Marie confirmed her suspicion.
Dr. Deb came back into the room with news, sharing, "There was a lot of things to work out. It is a real possibility that it won’t be possible. We will not know until tomorrow or Friday." She squeezed my hand and asked me to stay calm or ask for help if need it. I agree I would and we went back to visiting the others.
Ms. Petersen is amused that Bree went potty for me and I had no trouble taking care of her. She took Bree and they soon said good-bye. She hoped to see me tomorrow or Friday. I was getting overwhelmed with sadness as they left. The Fords give me a big group hug and hold me until I calm down.
Mrs. Ford took to brushing out my hair to help me calm down. One of the nurses came in asking if I needed my medication. I asked, if we could wait to see if I could calm down without it. She agreed and sat down with us. She turns to Marie and asks her to teach me some girl therapy: Like taking more pride in my appearance.
I said if I were going someplace I would. Marie shared, “That is what she is talking about. Taking care of you doesn’t depend on going someplace or other people. Jessie, like Jeff, you need to take pride in yourself, Jessie needs develop her own self esteem.”
To be Continued
My apologies for the original posting of this story. While it was warmly received and complimented; readers and me, the writer, know it was not well edited by me. You have helped me to grow and become more responsible as a writer. Hopefully the revision is a work of my appreciation of you the readers. the second chapter will follow in about four days.
Jeff/Jessie or Jessica Green
Mom Green Dad Green
Brothers: Roger, Dan, Doug
Marie Ford - Close friend Sandy — Friend through Marie
Mrs. Ford — Marie’s Mother — very supportive
Mrs. Sharon Petersen, former sixth grade teacher Miss Stafford
Matt Petersen — Husband; Brianna, Bree Petersen their daughter
Dr. Hardcore (Nickname/for parents doctor/counselor advising them
Dr Myrt (Dr. over Dr. Deb) Dr. Deb Walters
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