Images 34

Chapter 34

I’m groggy when I wake up in the Hospital and my family is all around me. My heads hurting in that headachy way that’s sort of like having low blood sugar. I look at Taylor and he’s got that smile on his face but he’s sort of worried looking too.

“Hey.” I give him a smile and a sleepy murmur.

“Hey back.” He says as he leans over to kiss me.

I love getting kissed like this in bed and with Taylor being all tender and sweet. I’m not a fan of having it happen in a hospital bed again.

“So what’d did I miss?”

“They took you in for emergency surgery, he cut an artery in your arm, you were lucky that you didn’t lose it.”

“He came out of nowhere I was just doing anything so he didn’t knife us.”

“Is Njinda okay?”

“Yeah she’s as rattled as you’d expect but she’s okay.”

“Good, and Dorothy?”

“Freaked out, but okay.”

“I should thank her.”

“Already taken care of honey, she’s got a life long pass to the diner anytime.”

“Good.”

I look at my arm and pull a face. Taylor looks at me. “Hurt?”

“A little I was just thinking there goes my throwing arm.”

“Hon, you’re never playing football again are you…really?”

“No…but can’t I mourn my once future career in the WNBA?”

“Jenna?” He rolls his eyes and facepalms himself. “Boo…bad joke.”

I smile at him and since it’s be too much effort to pull myself up in the bed I use my good arm to get a handful of T-shirt and pull him down to me and kiss him deeply.

It’s a gift really, that I’m so into kissing him.

I love doing it and the way he’ll nuzzle me and the way that Taylor smells. Just everything about him makes me so happy really and when I think about it I get those warm fluttery kind of good butterflies inside and they become these tiny little sweet motes of light inside like when he kisses me back.

Taylor makes me believe.

I God really, but in real love, in miracles happening, in who I am now really being who I am right down to my soul.

I’m so thankful for that too.

There’s something that really is magical about being in love. I know that I go on a lot about being Transgendered and the feelings there but it’s really a girl thing. I watch Angie and Dad, Holly and Tim, I see the difference in Nin since she’s become so close with Davey and I see Dallas and some of the other single GG girls that I know and really I think that the isolation of being alone is the same for us as is the pleasure and the contentment of being loved.

Of being needed.

If we get to the five year mark with Taylor’s recovery then I’ve really given some thought lately to us adopting, of starting a family of some kind with him. I’m pretty sure that I want to be a mother at some point and Taylor’s too good a man not to be a father.

Beside’s really genetics really doesn’t come into play in being a parent in my opinion. Look at my mother. I really believe that all you really have to do is just love a kid, just love them and don’t stop…the rest will fall into place.

Okay all those thoughts sort of drift together with my little warm lights in me and I swear I’m having one of those moments where I feel my uterus calling out to me. Yeah I know, don’t have and never will but what if you really do have a female soul in a male body. When you look at your children if you fathered them but are a woman inside do you feel that male pride or do you feel that swell inside of you that just ineffably tells you.

I’m female, I’m a girl, and I nurtured these children.
Do we carry our children in a womb of the soul rather than flesh?
I think so.

Those feelings make me misty but they also make me want to be as close to Taylor as possible too. So…after a lot of making out, I get him to help me to the little patients room where I get kissingly close to my husband while he’s standing and I’m sitting…he was not expecting it. “Jenna…oh…are you sure this is a good idea with your arm…?”

“Taylor…I don’t need my arms for this, besides I like a challenge.”

“But…”

“Mmm…” I move my face off a little. “Yeah you have a nice butt.”

“Hey you that’s my…oh ff…Jenna.”

I savor the moment, I savor being alive to do this and it honestly might sound strange and even perverted for some of the hardcore church types who are more prim that is really needed…I treat this right now like I’m getting communion.

He’s my husband, my lover and my best friend and he’s my gift from the creator. How can it be wrong if I really wanted to show thankful love this way?

I have strange thoughts about faith as you can tell.

But sex is good; it’s a way of closeness to that other half of your soul. It’s when done right as meaningful as that special one rolling over to smile at you in the morning light and just looking at you and smiling.

Just because you are just who you are and that makes them happy. Sex, loving making with your one true love should be like that.

It’s like that for me.

……………………………I’m in the hospital for two more days and during that time I’m on the news along with Njinda and her mom and Dorothy when word had finally gotten around. I feel for Dorothy because she looked so nervous to be getting interviewed by not just the local news but we all got a few minutes explaining the whole thing to Seamus O’Reagan on Canada AM.

I had the thing with Troy and You Tube trotted out and there was this big extended thing all week with stories like Njinda’s and Dorothy was praised on TV by the Wall-Mart rep who said that she was a credit to brave women any where and that they are extremely proud to have her on their team.

I know she was pleased at the gender recognition but also really self conscious about the whole thing too when we talked at Mavericks. She sometimes will show with her daughter because well things are tight these days for a lot of people and free food and a nice time out with her daughter can mean so much really. And we’re glad to have her over, both of them any time.

…………………………………. I guess things sometimes do get going pretty fast once you’re back into the daily swing of things. The close call I had was enough of a kick in the butt to get me going and that I’m starting to study for my G.E.D. and it’s harder than I thought but going back to high school is just not in my plans anymore.

I’ve gotten my license mind you it’s still that probationary one but hey next year it’ll be real enough.

I had my first mammogram two days ago and I’ve been firmly and coolly introduced to the world of bruised and pinched boobies.

I’m fine by the way. And it feels like I’ve passed a milestone that way and us girls celebrated as a bunch of girls by having a lingerie shopping party. Kendal was a riot because of her still being all embarrassed by this stuff but excited too because she’s just getting into her lower B cups. She’s had Dallas do her free electro and she has got some really great wigs but she is really looking good. She can actually pass pretty well but you can still sort of tell but it’s sort of something in her look now that says character instead of pain.

She’s looking great, she’s dropped a bunch of weight and she’s been biking but also using a rowing machine and dieting too but corseting herself. The other girls looked interested and stuff but me…it just looks painful.

My waist is a little thinner than my hips but I’m okay with that, my bum and my hips sort of make up for it enough.

I’m more than pleased with my breasts though now coming into a good firm mid range C-cup. So much more than I thought I’d have but Dad’s side of the family is pretty strong on the Irish side and while there’s a few boney girls in the family tree there’s lots of freckly sweet faced buxom ones too.

I’m so loving having actual time off too.

Taylor and I go out, we actually go out on dates and not just the nice place to eat or go see a movie either. I like a nice restaurant don’t get me wrong but I’m going to be going to cooking school so more often than not when we go to these places we’re picking apart the food with stuff we don’t like about it or we’re trying to figure out dishes that we do like together.

Okay, that’s kind of fun.

But our dates have been going for walks. Us going to see the landmarks of the city. I’ve lived in Eddy all my life pretty much and there’s so much of this city that I’ve never been to before…like;

The Winspear Center….You know that I had no idea that we had a symphony in town? It’s not my kind of music or Taylor’s but it was a nice excuse to go out together and dressed up. I like getting dressed up as much as most girls do and I love looking pretty but I just can’t help the whole little bits of light filling me up feeling I get when Taylor looks at me like that.

We should all do this again as a group. Hunter’d love getting all dolled up like a grown up girl and going someplace nice like that.

We’ve been to the AGA the Art gallery of Alberta twice; just because it’s a great way to hold each other and see some pretty neat stuff. Not that I’m really that artsy but it’s still so worth going to.

My favorite so far though has got to be the High Level Bridge and then going on the trolley car. He took me on it in the afternoon with a fuzzy blanket and a thermos of hot chocolate…the I-pod to share our songs on…it was the perfect afternoon just snuggling together and just being us.

I want to do that someday or some night just on the city bus too.

It’s November now and I’m setting up stuff at the diner for Remembrance Day. Veteran’s and service men eat today for free. We’ve got a bunch of stuff lined up too with some of the seniors places with our menu’s a us delivering some things and other’s like Tim and Davey going to get any veteran that want’s to come here and eat.

Got to…

It’s just right.