[*][*][*]
People here in Big Closet, this autobiography is to hopefully explain my actions and sometimes inconsiderate actions as at times, I suffer from nightmares from my past. I have never meant to hurt any body. All I ask is that those I have hurt forgive me and let me be the friend that I know I can be.
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My real name is Stanley. I was born in 1963, the youngest of seven children. Being the youngest, I was pretty much spoiled by my parents, and in many ways, I still am because I'm very stubborn.
Daddy
My father was a World War Two Veteran of the United States Army, he was both a driver or cook. He was raised on a farm, so he knew how to drive the trucks and his mother taught him basic cooking skills.

After the war, he married my mother and drove a truck until his diabetes forced him to quit and become a cab driver. He died of a heart attack, following a stroke when I was twelve years old.

Mother
My mother was raised in the city of Gadsden Alabama where her mother taught her how to can food using jars sealed with a rubber gasket. We would go to the Farmer's market and get all sorts of stuff, then spend a few days canning everything.

But as she got older, she hadn't the stamina to take the heat of canning and we began to buy more things from the store. She was a smoker and contracted lung cancer which claimed her when I was twenty one.

Randy
Randy is older than me by 2.5 years. We grew up together and have the typical love/hate relationship that brothers have. But he looks out for me and I him. We have shared living expenses off and on ever since Mother died.

For a while, it was us boys living here until one fateful Winter night where the old electrical system shorted out and set fire to the place. I was home alone when it happened and am living now at the cost of my dog's life.

Lisa was a Chihuahua who adopted me as her human when we got her. We have had many dogs of various breeds over the years, but she proved her loyalty when she woke me up so that I could escape. I only suffered from laryngitis, but she gave her LIFE so that I might live.

After that, we boys moved into the garage apartment on the same property. It was a one bedroom apartment that was really more of a clubhouse than anything else, but it was still home for me. Randy and I found that living there was almost like living in the other place and soon settled down and found ourselves enjoying being on our own.

Randy tries to help out everybody, but they tend to not do their part, leaving him to do whatever is needed. Most of the time, it is help in paying a bill, which he seldom gets any money back on. But not me. Ever since I started working, I have done my best to pay my bills, which Randy respects.

We share the bills here which are in my name as I am on disability. This gives us a few breaks on taxes that helps to stretch the dollar. A of the utilities are in my name, which gets us a bit of a tax break because if they were in his name, he'd be paying higher taxes.

I have worked as a dishwasher and produce clerk for various companies.I was working for Adam's Brothers Produce until my legs began to swell up. IF they'd let me follow the doctor's advice and work sitting down, I'd still be there, but they said 'no', and I went on Disability.

I began as a Produce Clerk over on the Farmer's Market. I worked fr an older Italian who knew how to cuss you out in his native language. I must admit that I learned a lot about produce from loading it onto a customer's truck as well as throwing away the rotten stuff.

The Boss Man would pick me up in the wee hours of the morning and he or Randy would drive me home. I made just under minimum wage, but I was able to pay my way and buy myself those wonderful Star Trek novels.

He would close up on Christmas Eve Day and open up shop come spring. During this time, I was out seeking employment where I could and found it at Pizza Hut. Randy or Bob would make sure that I got home, but I had to catch the bus or walk to work.

When he died, I found employment as a dishwasher at Pizza Hut until I started working for Adams Brothers as a Produce Clerk. found that I preferred working during the day, not at night as a dishwasher, not knowing that I would soon have a new job.

It was on my way to work that I met an alumni from high school who knew about my working on the Market. Frank told me that the Boss Man had died and that his business had been sold off to his competition as no one in his family had the time to run the business.

He told me that Adam's Brothers Produce was always hiring and tat I should apply. I did, since I preferred working days instead of nights as I was at Pizza Hut. I still had to ride the bus, but I had plenty of time since the job was from 9:A.M. Till we got through for the day.

Diane
When he married his wife Diane, who had a son by a previous marriage. I moved in with Dixie as by that time, I was working at Adams Brothers Produce. Well, His marriage went bust because she payed the field and kept on running up bills that he had to pay while she had her fun.
[*][*][*]
Bob was driving a cab and tended to stay across town. This led to my living with my sister Dixie and her second husband Rick. Randy was there to take me home as the buses stopped at quitting time and neither Dixie, nor Rick[with whom I was living with at the time] were inclined to make the trip since Randy was willing to.
Dixie
My sister Dixie was a Daddy's Girl in many ways as I understand it. My father had a chance to have his heart's upcoming attack prevented by basically rebooting it's rythim, but he was scared that he'd die during the procedure. He told Dixie, but not Mother. Dixie found out later when she told Mother who said that she'd have given him the courage to do it.

She married James and when Mother needed hep in raising me and my brother, they were there. She have two daughters: Candice and Annie. They divorced after Candice, Annie is by Joe. She is now married to Richard.

Dixie does not keep a clean house, she prefers to let the dishes and laundry pile up until something MUST be done. I myself am a bit of a sob in that I want to wait until there is a sink full of dishes or a load of laundry to do before I take care of things, but she takes it to the extreme!

I have spent more than one weekend cleaning up the mess, only to have it undone the next day and have to start over again. Oh, she would express her gratitude for my help as at the time, she was working as well as Rick, but a bit of help would have been much appreciated.

My income from work was SUPPOSED to be about half, leaving me with pocket money to buy my novels, but the bitch had our checking/savings accounts linked so that whenever hers was in danger of being overdrawn, mine was tapped until I was overdrawn.

So, you can see why I am not one to donate to charity after being burned has I have been. I do a monthly donation to the site, but that's about it other than my tithing and helping out other authors.

Rick
Rick is an unapologetic redneck asshole who can't keep a job because he is accident prone and always looking for a better job because he is NEVER satisfied with the one that he has.

He will be ecstatic over whatever job it is, then complain about something, someone, or get himself injured as well as find another job at the end of the rainbow.

Randy and I figured out his game plan to stay with our sister while he kept on pulling his scam. But even though she might have seen through his charade, she preferred to have him as a bed warmer than sleep on her own.

Well, they are still together, but at a price. She lost her house that she'd almost paid off, but kept on mortgaging it in order get money to finance their spending sprees until they could not afford the payments.

Ever since then, they have found some other place to rent until they could not make payment. Now they are living in a house that Randy bought and are SUPPOSED to be paying rent on, but you can easily guess what happens.

Candice
Candice is Dixie's oldest daughter by James. She is very musically gifted, able to play just about any bass, or wind instrument in the band. But instead of choosing to be in the Marching Band, she chose to become a ember of the Color Guard.

She wore a white bodysuit under navy bloomers and miniskirt with matching jacket and those skater's tights along with boots for the game and a white polo shirt, navy bloomer and skirt with pantyhose and sneakers for school and the pep rally.

We did not get along all that well because she had the DRAMA QUEEN attitude about her accomplishments and aw me as mentally inferior. But she learned not to challenge me to a battle of wits because while she may have book smarts, I have street smarts and have even given her the answer to a homework question in algebra that stumped her.

She had to take one of a series of answers and show how by multiplying the number by itself, then adding same number to the sum, you get the answer. The sum that I chose was 15 * 15 + 15 because 15 was the ast two digits. She could not believe that I was right and spent the weekend on the problem, but admitted that she'd been stumped and got me a Subway sandwich and drink to show her appreciation.

After graduation, she chose to move in with her father James to help take care of him.

James
James is a decent man who used to repair the old fashioned typewriters and adding machines before the modern computer took over. After retiring and divorcing my sister, he moved in with his mother to help run their small farm before they sold it off to pay for her moving into an assisted living home.

I have nothing but respect for him as he shouldered the responsibility of becoming a surrogate father for me and Randy when we needed his guidance. It was from the times that he and Dixie would come over to play "ROOK" that I learned how to play the game and even be able to have my team win when he wasn't dealing himself the trump.

It was Randy who was the one who caught him, but I can't help but think that James did it on purpose to have a bit of fun. You see, James was always good at poker because of his ability to deal himself a good hand as well as read the table. It was more than a few times that he'd leave to gamble and come back with at least double what he left with.

The reason for the divorce was that after Candice was born, he pretty well stopped fulfilling his marital obligations to satisfy Dixie's sexual needs. He never did cheat on her, just became a cold fish in bed.

Joe
Joe Falls is an unrepentant drunk who could not give up the booze, even for his daughter. Joe can sweet talk anybody who has not met him and has seen through his charade. He will work very hard for a while, but will all too soon start drinking again and even enter into a cinic to dry out, but not even the 12-step program works because he refuses to give up the bottle.

Dixie met him about the time that she bought her house and was looking for some one to help her raise her daughter. She fell for his charade and was soon pregnant by him, believing that she could cure him only to learn differently.

Annie
Annie is Dixie's youngest daughter. She had her thanks to Joe. She is a very cute blond who loves animals and to play team sports. She is also very trusting of me because she would ask me things that she should be asking her mother or father.

These questions are those about what happened at school or about God, which I listen to with respect because neither Dixie, nor Rick really have the ability to talk with children on their level. They both rather talk down to them.

When it comes to other kids, I know that she is simply telling me how her day went, but her questions about God and Religion are because I attend Church and she is curious about God.

The only question that I am uncomfortable talking about are those that she should be asking her mother. But no matter the question, I always tell Annie to ask Dixie, or her sister about or her Sunday School Teacher.

One day, the little scamp surprised me by enrolling in the local cheerleader squad. She was a bit jealous of her sister getting to wear her costume, so, I'd encouraged her to find something where she could wear a costume, too.

I knew that the Community Center had softball and basketball teams for girls, bot not any cheer squads. I figured that Annie would join one of the girl's sports team, not become a cheer girl.

Well, I had the honor of escorting her that year at Halloween as she wore her uniform as well as walking her back home as she wore her uniform. But, after that year, she gave up cheering because she got tired of attending the practices.

[*][*][*]
At the time, I had been on disability for a little over a year and was daily eating lunch with her, which she looked forward too. Now, she is married and the mother of a boy. Seeing that munchkin taking care of her son really brings home the passage of time. She was a cute moppet, now she is a mom.
[*][*][*]
She had a tender heart that I could not hurt, which led me to staying there well beyond any feeling of welcome because of Rick's attitude that he was boss and that I should cater to his needs.

He could not stand the fact that I was helping to provide for my sister as well as keep the place in a half-way livable condition. But he kept on until I had to move out, that was when Jenny came to the rescue.

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Church
I attend Church where ever I live and am involved to some degree with the Worship Service. At first, it was singing in the choir or with a Drama Team, but because I can no longer sing as well as I used to, I have quit rather than be a burden.

I contracted pneumonia which took away my voice and nearly killed me. I found that upon my recovery, that I o longer had the wind that I had before and that even though I could still reach my old range, it always left me gasping for air and missing notes.

As for the Drama Team, the students who were interested graduated and went to college so that for a while, I just attended Church. But when I moved in with Jenny, I first went back to Ruhama until it closed, then I went from being a Baptist to being a Methodist, Joining East Lake United Methodist Church where I was soon helping out by becoming an Acolyte and Crucifer.

Jenny
My sister Jenny takes after my Mother in her ability to cook and sew. She can cook anything that our mother cooked and can't tell the difference, whereas Dixie's cooking is hit and miss.

Jenny did go wild for a bit, but then she settled down and married Jerry. In time, she chose to raise A.K.C. registered poodles and Pekingese for sale. It was fun to see those furballs head out to use the toilet and chase the odd cat or squirrel. But even though they did chase, they'd not hurt any cat or squirrel, just play with it.

Jenny had her first child by Jerry before they divorced. Jerry is a Mama's boy who spent some time in the Army before he chose to become a security guard, then shift manager.

After the company was sold, he became a manager for a local store until he had to quit in order to care for his mother. after she died, he started living i her hose since it was willed over to him.

Then she married Jackie who gave her Jennifer, my youngest niece. He knows about about music as he used to play the guitar and jam at the local cowboy bars. Now, whenever I visit them, he will give me something very nice to take home.

In time, Jenny took over the house that I grew up in for her and her youngest daughter Jennifer. Her oldest was staying with her dad. During my stay with Dixie, I was basically having to turn my entire check over to her as well as helping to clean the place.

Jenny saw how I was being treated and asked me to move back home, which I was more than happy to do. But since my account was still linked to Dixie's, I was still getting overdrawn until I closed tha account and opened another one with her.

Angel
Angel is Jenny's oldest daughter by Jerry. She is a big girl who like her mother, spent a bit of time sowing her wild oats which has resulted in her having several sons by many fathers. She is a good mother and takes care of her children, but can't seem to say no to sex, which has led to her giving birth to three sons.

But she does have a bit of a giggly attitude about things until you get her mad. Then get ready for a verbal sparring match, unless you really push her, then she gets physical and can hurt you without meaning to.

One time, while in school, another girl who'd been constantly harassing my niece because of her large size, pushed her over her tolerance and found Angel holding her up against the wall.

Lucky for Angel, she'd told the school about Rachel's conduct, leading to Angel getting detention for a day and Rachel being expelled for bullying.

Jackie
Jackie is Jenny's current husband. He is an older gent who used to play in a country-western band when he was younger, and knows a lot about music.

But can no longer sing as he contracted throat cancer and had his larynx removed. He keeps a few electronic keyboards to play songs on when he wants, and enjoys it whenever others sing the song that he is playing.

He is also good with his hands as he has taken fallen limbs and made them into handles and waking canes. He has also done all of the maintenance on his house and cars.

Jackie is a damned good cook who uses neck bones and spices to season his vegetables so that it is diabetic safe to eat. About the only things NOT seasoned like that are:cornbread, biscuits, potato salad and any desert.

But word of warning, he does keep a stock of liquor and drink mixes for himself and others. He believes in being a good host and will hide the liquor from a confirmed drunk.

Jennifer
Jennifer is Jenny's daughter by Jackie. She is a sweet girl who has like her mother and sister has gone wild after graduating from high school. In school, she made top marks and could have gone onto college, if she'd applied herself, but she preferred to skip school as much as Jenny would let her and failed on her S.A.T.s.

She was able to get a job at the local humane society thanks to her mother's breeding poodles. She stayed with the job until she met a man who basically ticked her fancy and took her up to Tennessee where she got pregnant by him.

Now, she is back in Alabama, living with her sister, as they raise their children while working in their Church's nursery.

Bob
My oldest brother is Bob. He followed in my father's footsteps and went into the Army during the Viet Nam War. Like my father, he was the camp cook and boasted that his flapjacks would melt in your mouth.

After the war, he got married and wanted to drive a truck, but Judy's mother interfered, so he drove a cab for various cab companies, instead. He has two daughters: Melinda and Christy.

Bob was a very decent sort of guy who was generally laid back in his attitude, so much that after his divorce, he would stay with Dixie, or over at Judy and Wayne's.

Bob and his wife Judy divorced because of his mother-in-law. Judy got Christie, Bob got Melinda. They let him stay because they knew how much his daughters loved him and could not see hurting them when they wanted to be with their Daddy, which was to help out in a reunion, later.

Melinda
Melinda is his oldest daughter. I had graduated high school, so I babysat Melinda. We would watch TV, especially Star Trek and Superfriends along with Looney Toons. She wondered why Wonder Woman wore a leotard while the others wore shirts and tights under their underwear.

When I told her that they were wearing costumes, she decided to play dress up too. She loved to play dress up and we had fun with her wearing pantyhose or tights with her swim suits or leotards. In time, I knew that she would become a beauty and a heart breaker because she could get me to do just about anything.

She trusted me so much because I made sure that she did not have to worry about her modesty. Whenever she wanted to play dress up, I had her to either use the bathroom, or a bedroom to go change in.

[*][*][*]
This caused me to have a rather vivid dream on the weekend that my nieces were off visiting their mother. At the time, I was living with my mother and my two brothers in Momma's Home.

Mother was working as a live-in elderly couple who could not drive themselves to see their doctors, nor go to the store. Mother became their arms and legs until they got too enfeeble and had to go live in an assisted living home. Bob at this time would come by and take a nap during the day while Randy was working for the County.

[*][*][*]
It was a twilight zone type of dream where everything was slightly out of focus. How else to explain a dream where I seemingly had all of the answers for a young lady discovering things about herself?

At the time, I knew next to nothing about the reality of what a girl really is, and still don't as I am just a bloke. I now know that there much more to being a girl than wearing a dress and playing house or any other cute game that a little girl might want to play as they try in their own way to get ready to be a mother.

Me, I had as much fun playing with guys in the area as I did with my niece for different reasons. Looking back, I can now see that I was using my niece as surrogate avatars of the girl that I wanted to be.

I was still confused about who I was and in being their buddy, I was able to live vicariously through them a girl's life until it all ended when their mother's mother had her way and took Melinda away from Bob, she claimed child abuse.

As an adult, she is the mother to two sons and still attends Church. She is a good mother who is a very good example of what a mother and wife should be. She doesn't let her boys or husband get away with anything, and they love her for it.

Christie
Christie is his youngest daughter. She looks just like her father, too. Like her sister, she was always going with me to Church and enjoyed attending any local Vacation Bible School, but was a tomboy while Melinda was a girly girl.

Christie is a full figured girl who had to learn how to protect herself from the wolves in school while maintaining her dignity. She has a sweet personality, but she also knows a few ribald jokes. She now operates a local restaurant with her husband while raising her sons.

[*][*][*]
In order to not hurt either niece sexually, created a phantom girl who would take their place, letting me symbolically do with her what I dare not do with them. I would when alone, wear pantyhose and become Becky.
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But that fantasy did not keep reality from happening as my brother's mother-in-law cooked up a story where the nieces were being sexually abused, which led the Court to send both girls to live with their biological mother and her new husband.
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She got her wish, Melinda was soon living with her mother. Maybe it was a good thing Melinda was taken away. I was glad that Melinda was living with her Mom, but worried that somebody would go to jail. I was afraid that taking them away was not enough, not knowing that all that she wanted was custody of the girls because of the machinations of her mother who had a dislike for Bob who'd not let her run his household.

She wanted for him to get a job where he could provide for Judy in such a way that she through them could attend to varied High Society functions, not really caring if Bob was able to attend or not.

When Judy remarried, her mother relented because her new son-in-law had what she thought of as a respectable job working as a foreman. It was after her death that the truth was revealed and we through Bob were reunited with his daughters and their half-sister Barbara.

Barbara
Barbara looks just like her mother, and like her sisters, went to a Church run private school. She is the typical baby of the family and tends to pester her siblings to be mean, which I can understand.

She was a bit afraid of me at first, but after meeting me, we hit it off as we both enjoy reading all sorts of books and try to stump each other with little known facts. But like her sisters, she has settled own into married life, raising her daughter.

Winston
Winston is a Concert Pianist and my best friend. I met him when I joined Ruhama Baptist Church. We began talking when I joined the Church. I was pleased that a musically gifted man was showing some interest in me. To me, Winston was a Blessing because God knew that I missed the Minister of Music/Youth that had helped me before. What surprised me was how Winston's and I hit it off so quickly.

He asked me if I wanted to spend the day with him as we'd both be back in time for Church. I made sure that it was OK back home, then we'd go to his place, eat a bit of lunch, then watch TV, he was the perfect host.

I must admit that Winston is a bit of an eccentric. He is always trying to diet, but is also constantly having something happen to have him break the diet regimen.

He is a great cook and can easily get hired as a chef, if he ever felt that to be his calling. His weakness is ice cream and those wonderful toppings as well as cookies and cakes: both store bought and home made.

Now, whenever we get together, we will go and get me a pizza or a meal at a local restaurant while he has a diet meal of chicken and a veggie unless he is off of the diet, then we will share a meal of chicken and some starch.

During the meal, we will watch a selection of programs or movies in his bedroom where he has a recliner for me to use. We have fun and enjoy the meal with a mixed drink of bourbon and cola.

I am comfortable being around im because he does not try to involve me in his gay lifestyle. He tells his friends that I am totally straight ad that I am his fat friend.

[*][*][*]
When I heard rumor around the church that he was gay, he confirmed it. In fact, because of the way that I asked him, he laughed about it. He has always treated me with respect, which tells me that he is truly a friend.

He could have denied the Truth, but he saw that I could be trusted with things as he felt safe enough to stop hiding his gay paraphernalia from me. Seeing those tapes was a test for me as a Baptist, I was raised to detest his lifestyle. But he NEVER asked for me to participate, respecting my 'straightness'.

What I was not ready for was that an event would test our friendship and bring us closer as the church turned against him, causing him to leave and find other employment. They even tried to get me to turn against him by playing a doctored tape where he supposedly confirmed what I already knew.

It really started when rumor that the pastor was placing porn calls to lady members. It was a bogus charge that succeeded in splitting the church when he left to found another.

After he left, the very same group attacked Winston for being gay. I knew then that if they kept on, the church doors would close, which they did. I have seen Winston create beautiful music because of his ordeal that would bless any who was to hear it.

Winston has a grand piano with an electronic component that turns it into an electronic keyboard. With it, he can create an entire orchestra to play with his piano as well as add in two choirs. He has written an album for sale through disklavier based upon Gospel and Contemporary Christian songs and has continued since then to compose Gospel songs for both one and two pianos.

God has continued to Bless him with job offers as well as piano tunings while the former church has declined in stature as those in it have continued to try to keep their little kingdom going against the realities of the situation.

Funny thing is that all of the Churches that he was led to were Methodist Churches. It was during this time that he met other musicians who'd already composed hymn arrangements for sale an helped him to start his career composing new arrangements of classical hymns.

For me, what has always been a Blessing is to listen to his new compositions or where he has to practice an older arrangement. I have always loved music and singing songs, even when due to a cold, I can't carry a tune.

Amy
When I met Amy, I fell in love with her right away. Here was a young lady that made me want to be a typical family man, but with my imagination, all of my fantasies were not meant for the Family Channel.

I was always a gentleman around her and never did try to do anything to hurt her, but because of my job, I could not do anything due to lack of funds and car.

By the time that she left for college, I knew that she was not the one for me, but to this day, I still care for her. Now, I concentrated on my love of music and found it to be a balm as I developed my friendship with my best friend.

Myself
I had the usual stirrings of a virile young man wanting to copulate with as many females of the species as humanly possible, yet, I also wanted to be said female with a young male as my sex partner.

It all began when I was a baby. According to my sister Dixie, she did something sexual to me and got scared at what she'd done. I knew nothing about it until we were both adults.

True, I could have exacted some sort or revenge, but for what? That'd happened years ago, so I did the only thing that I could do: forgive her. I felt no anger, nor need for revenge as to me, it hadn't happened and more than likely, she'd not done anything, being a scared girl.

But it did make me think about what had happened that did bollix up my sense of self that I'd now start thinking about, how it had changed me. I had a Bible with me and said, "Don't worry, I forgive you. What was done is now in the past and is buried now in the Bible."

[*][*][*]
Both my parents were in the hospital and I was wondering what would happen to me. I was in need of someone to talk to in order to quell my fears. Well, a *family friend* chose that time to start talking to me about 'things'.

We talked about boys and girls and how each gender is different from the other. I also told him about how I'd tried on my mother's stuff when I was alone and how much I liked seeing girls wearing pantyhose with their shorts and skirts.

In time, we also talked about how babies are made and how people of the same gender can become parents, too. He did not tell me it was through adoption or by fostering.

He finally led me into doing homosexual acts with him where he was the top, me the bottom. I felt bad after each time, but did not know why, I felt that something was wrong, but not what it was.

I was wondering why I felt as I did until the Youth Director did a lesson on dating and why we should stay virgins until after our wedding. When he went into heterosexual, gay and lesbian relationships and their differences.

I knew that I'd been royally had by that so called *family friend* and felt sick, knowing that he'd taken away my innocence. I excused myself from the group under the excuse that I needed to go pee, but really needed to talk to God about what had happened. God reassured me that He Loved and accepted me for who I am and that I was His Child. When I heard that, all of the guilt and shame left me, but I still had to deal with everything.

[*][*][*]
I was relieved when the family friend was killed. He was caught abusing a young boy by the boy's dad. My family wondered why I feel no love for him until I told them that could have been me. After that, they left me alone in my anger. To this day they do not know the truth.
[*][*][*]
I still had to figure out if I was straight, gay, or a girl in a guy's body. That a$$hole had sure done a number on me. I was very lucky in that during this time, I became friends with the Youth/Music Minister and his wife.

His love of music and caring attitude helped me to sort myself out that going to Eastern Mental Health Center never helped with my confusion. What I needed was a non-judgmental person, NOT some quack who was out to pigeon hole me into some category so that he could continue to treat me while not trying to help me.

Having been hurt before, I was all too wary of opening up to a stranger who could hurt me even more. He might have succeeded if he hadn't of come across as a know-it-all who was not listening to what I had to say. No, I came to the conclusion that I am a heterosexual male who has a feminine side that appreciates what being a girl means.

I discovered this when I met a sweet young lady who won my heart. At the time, I'd changed my Church Home because my friend who was the Youth/Music minister and his wife had received a Calling to another Church. I could God. When I saw that, I thought about attending a more local church, and Ruhama Baptist was literally just down the hill, so I went there the next Sunday.

Ruhama
In the next church, I met many friends that had joined years from my home church. While there, I joined both the Youth and Chancel Choir. In time, I grew too old for the Youth Choir and left it. It was during this time that I learned to truly hate. There was a spirit in the church that gloried in causing turmoil.

I was soon confronting it for that spirit caused us to split as our pastor was accused of stalking lady members of the church. He left under a banner of mistrust. I never believed the rumor. He was not that type. Soon after they decided to destroy my best friend. When they did that, I knew that Ruhama would soon close its doors.

My hatred of the church began when the "church" under the leadership of Pastor "Self-Rightness" led the church in kicking Walter out of the church. They even "doctored" a tape to make him sound guilty. I should know, I heard it. I never let them know that I saw through the lie they created. I simply stood up for my friend. It was during this time that Walter began to compose music for a C.D. We saw him create several songs during his "valley" time that ended with him being the pianist of the first of many churches that helped him to grow into his music.

Meanwhile, I stayed there as the church went through many ministers that stood up to the monster that ruled the "church" ending when Ruhama merged with another church.

The final chapter for the church had the pastor blackballed so he could not join the new congregation. Yet, the Minister of Music did. The Pastor was there to ease the transitioning of the once vital church that for years had been a leader in the community into a small part of another church. I knew then that the SPIRIT had left. The LORD had abandoned the building. But the SPIRIT of Ruhama was remembered in heaven and will be honored. I was there for the final service. When the doors closed on Ruhama, I cried over the defeat I had foreboded years ago when my friend was Walter was hurt.

Now I was looking for a new Church home. But before I tell of my new home, I must tell of the fire that almost took my life.

Boyles Baptist Church
My next church was Boyles Baptist Church. There, under the leadership of Tim Tidwell, I gained the confidence to help out with the youth and join the choir. I had turned away from the ministry after Walter was sent packing. But here, I felt the SPIRIT. I was renewed. In fact, I was baptized into this body. I was soon doing a lot in the church. I led the Drama Team and Puppet Team until my brother-in-law Rick finally got me mad enough to leave.

He is a real southern rednek asshole. He can not keep a job, yet when I am home, I am supposed to be the maid.After 5 years, I left and came back home.

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My return to Ruhama was met with mixed feelings. Many truly welcomed me, but a few remembered how I stood up for my friend. They could not get me sent away as I was innocent, yet I knew something was up. When it was discovered, I knew Ruhama was history. I cried over the any pastors and ministers burned by this place. I cried over friendships ruined by church strife. I cried because I knew GOD cried too.
East Lake United Methodist Church
I finally had to find a new church home, I was led to East Lake United Methodist Church. Here, I found the LIVING SPIRIT OF GOD. My faith, so long withered started to come alive again. I even gave up wearing pantyhose. Pantyhose kept me safe as I had fantasies of a sexual nature. I was never caught during my hose time. I would have a fantasy where I was either the girl or the boy, then masturbate.

I soon gave that up as I grew closer to GOD. I joined a Sunday School class where I met my soul sister Carol. She has likes and dislikes Like mine. She is about my age too. For a while, the class was filled with several families. but over time, the families left as job openings came up. Soon, it was just me and Carol. We started on a book series that dealt with Church History, from the cross to the present.

Carol never has judged me. She let me open up as my heart needed release of burdens that I could no longer bear. She is my best girl friend. Now we are still in that same class. We often just gossip, but we do do the lesson.

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This year, Sally, the pastor of the Contemporary Service organized the church into different teams. I am on the Green Team, I help to keep the church clean through recycling. I was doing and still do the Hospitality Team. I help out before service starts by making sure people have a refreshment, help them to sign the book or help them by getting envelopes. I am usually up and about during the service. Sally wants me to sit down, but I am helping some member, so she can't get mad, just a bit vexed that I have to be up and about.

Earlier this year, I joined the Traditional Service Acolyte Team. One Sunday, the girls were late, so I volunteered to help, even though I had no idea of what to do. I usually helped the girls by telling them when to go get ready. They love having me show concern and Jerri has been so grateful for my help. I finally was a Crucifer[ I carried the cross down the aisle while the girls carried the wand they use to light and snuff out the candles. I did a good job according to all reports. All that I know is that I was scared.
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Being on Disability was a decided boon for my appetite for reading stories and meeting people. The first site was http://www.storysite.org/homepage.html where I got acquainted with many of the stories and authors at BigCloset TopShelf.

At first, I couldn't believe my good luck as I delved into the many stories and left my comments. Yes, I was way less mature back then because my people skills were seriously lacking, but over time, I got much better.
My journey is far from over. I know I have hurt a few in here. I never meant any harm, I continue to grow. Stanley

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The End

Finis