Her grin lit up the space between us, so even if I was a little queasy about what I had sort of just agreed to, that made me happy in a bunch of ways I found hard to define. I knew I loved her, had for years. But honestly never expected anything to come from that as I simply didn't fit her unspoken and pretty broad, as I'd seen it, idea of what a lover might be.

She loved me, I knew that, but in a best mate type way and that was it as far as I knew. No possibility of parole. Still here we sat with me contemplating what it might mean to be a girlfriend to my best friend who happened to be a girl. Well a woman and one hell of a woman at that.

The fact that I wasn't in any real sense seemed a bit of an obstacle. She'd had a few weeks to wrestle with the idea and it obviously caused her a bit of drama and pain. Was that a sort of inverse ego boost? Umm.

Still the whole girl guy thing was an odd one. I got it on one level and played the game to some degree even if I tweaked the nose on the preconception doll now and then.

I mean, I am a guy, but if I think about it I'm not that hung up on it as an identity. I sure as hell don't see women as something less and therefore to be 'relegated' to girlfriend is hardly some contemptuous punishment. A big step down? Hah, not in this kiddies world. Just...different in ways I probably can't imagine just now.

Still I have to admit the whole idea scares the living shit outa me. Even if I don't quite know why. Girls are not an unknown, but I guess girldom is to some degree.

My unfocused introspective gaze drew back so I was again seeing the room and more particularly Liz sitting opposite me. She hadn't moved but the grin had subsided to a slight smile and a quiet 'talk when you're ready' look.

I blew out long and slow, didn't help but added to the dramatic effect I thought.

" Hey Lizzie girl." I paused and her mouth twitched just a pinch, but she was waiting me out. Bugger.

"Bitch." and I poked out my tongue which got a grin but no other response. The eyes just measured and waited quietly. So I had nothing left. I sighed long and deep again and figured I'd have to explain something or at least make an attempt at it. Ummm.

"Okay. Ummm, how do I explain myself here. We've been friends for a long time, years and as we've now admitted I've been in love with you for several of those and you knew even if I thought you didn't. I always figured you would not go for me in any serious relationship sexual come lover sense, which was cool if a little sad somewhere underneath it all."

She tilted her head a little and the smile turned a little rueful, but she kept silent.

"So to suddenly have you declare you are in love with me, but not quite the me sitting here is a little.... daunting maybe?" I looked around the room seeking inspiration but... nope.

"Me as a girl huh. Not something I'd ever given a lot of thought to, in fact I've sort of avoided the chances where I was pushed that way. Yeah, it happens when you look like I do. Surprised? Hah, didn't think so. I guess it always felt sort of... I dunno, not an insult exactly but a...umm, depersonalisation maybe. Does that make any sense at all? It wasn't me really it was just a... I was just a dolly to play with. So yeah, not my thing." I looked her in the eye and she smiled gently but stayed silent. I scowled and she laughed very softly.

"I restate my former use of the B word. " She laughed again, but sat still, bitch.

"Yet, the idea does not.... what? Disturb me? Shame me? Un-man me in some way? Okay, I guess it does that but that is not a huge thing somehow. Honestly the fact that I'm a guy is really just an accident of birth and I never give it all that much thought. It just is, a simple biological fact. But I am not a typical 'man' whatever that might be. I live as I like within the society I am part of. I dress in what many consider a somewhat 'gay' manner, or at least a bit hippy. Being a musician is sort of an excuse or cover, but it is still more what I am as a man or even a woman. A musician, who is either neither."

Her eyebrows raised just a bit with that and her smile twitched again, bitch.

"Fuck Lizzie, you really play hardball don't you. You've had a few weeks to sort this out and you drop it on me and I'm supposed to handle it and work out why in hell I tentatively agreed to I don't know the hell what. Wasn't there mention of food in that phone call the other day, I need to put something other than wine in there before my guts eat through and ruin your carpet. The way my stomach is churning Alien crabs could burst out any second." I got her with that one, she laughed out loud.

"Oh Cara, I do love you. But you're right I have had a bit of time to get my head back on, so sure, let's eat and sit and do small talk for a while so you can get your balance a bit. Come on then, kitchen, Linguine Marinara with a hint of chilli." She stood and reached out to take my hand, which was a little odd, but nice all the same. This girlfriend thing will take some adjusting.

She led the way and I put my glass down as she pressed me onto a stool with a brush of her hand across the back of my neck. She bustled about, dishing and prattling about work and just stuff and then sat and we started to just talk as ever about all sorts and nothing and anything.

There were more than the usual silences though and for a different reason than mutual ease. My thoughts kept wandering and she would wait quietly till I came back. Smiling when I did.

She topped up my glass and I realised she was sitting on hers and raised an eyebrow.

"Well I had a good head start and you're still a couple behind. I'm not pissed and neither are you, but a little easier after the first couple and this to come. Come on, back to the lounge room, I'll put some quiet music on and we can sit or talk , we have all night. At least." She smiled again, gently and turned and then headed to the stereo cabinet. A few seconds later some gentle Ottmar Liebert gypsy flamenco stuff drifted about the room.

We mutually returned to our previous seats and set about sitting and squidging and generally marking a bit of time with me taking a bit longer than strictly necessary. Stalling? Nah. Though when I glanced across she was sitting just gazing my way with a slight laugh evident on her face. Bitch, did I say that before? Once or twice. Okay.

" Okay Cara, I'll give you a break. I'll talk for a bit." The laugh left her face and turned into an introspective very slight frown.

"If I'm one hundred percent honest this has been niggling away at me for a very long time. But I always brushed it aside before actually looking at it. Now don't look like that, no I don't go wondering what such as such guy would look like all dolled up and on my arm. Give me a break." She huffed a bit, which was mainly theatrics, but fair enough.

"I always loved the way you dressed and looked and your whole manner. That's sorta what had me standing there years ago waiting while you finished that set. You were never a 'typical' guy and I liked that. I liked you and never really analysed it or anything. You were you, a unique person and one that I felt comfortable with beyond almost anyone else." She paused and waved her glass a bit seeking a thought or something.

"You never really struck me beyond the simple presumption that you were a boy as particularly masculine... or feminine for that matter. You just were who you were and I loved that gentleness and pinch of smartaleccy cynicism. I loved the person you were. But not as a lover because in some way you were never a man and you weren't a woman. So a perfect friend but... I don't know, sort of asexual at least to me. Umm, I still after a few weeks of mulling this about find it hard to put into words. " A pause while she looked down and contemplated. My turn to wait, if mildly anxiously.

"The only way I can rationalise this"..she waved her glass about again, "sudden epiphany or whatever the hell it is. Well, when I had that image of you pop into my head. You remember that do we went to a year or so back, the PR party at Luna Park?" She paused until I thought and then nodded.

"Okay, that dress that Vanessa wore. The little silk slip spag strap hanky hem just below the knee burgundy thing, the heels and smoky stockings, her dark hair flowing? You commented how lovely she looked and she certainly did." She paused again and swallowed. I nodded again but for some reason blushing slightly which made her smile.

"Well, that was the image that popped into my head only it wasn't V. It was you... and to me suddenly with a loss of breath and umm...well other reactions, that image was exactly right. You and me at that party, or any other party any time anywhere, it wasn't strange or anything, it was right. Me and Cara. " She paused again but this time there were tears welling. But they held.

"Suffice it to say that little moment haunted me from that second on. I dreamt of you, a female you. The clothes might change, the look a little but the person was Cara not Car. Beautiful and soft and loving and I would wake troubled and wondering if I was, betraying, destroying something sacred. I mean you might be soft and gentle and loving, even a little feminine, but you are not female. At least... I don't know superficially, no that's wrong. Ummm, you have a gentle slightly feminine soul but could you, would you be able or willing to be a feminine... a female Cara rather than a boyish Car. Which mattered, especially if you were disgusted by the idea. Offended, hurt." she didn't move this time so I waited not really sure what to feel.

She muttered quietly, "It mattered a very great deal." Then realised she'd spoken that aloud.

"See, I really did not want to hurt you in any way at all. I do not ever want to hurt you. But.... Car I like, a very great deal he's a lovely gentle wonderful person. But Cara is... everything he is... just more.... more wonderful, more desirable, more completely beautiful. I love her and I know that is a little selfish and a bit superficial maybe, but there it is. Cara, just pulls all the threads of my heart back into some semblance of a whole and I never even knew it was in tatters." she had tears running down her face now and once I consciously noticed that I realised I did too.

" So okay Lizzie girl, just what do you want of me? I mean I get it I think that there is some... what, block, hangup that makes a boy Car not enough to reach out and take his hand and lead to dinner and then seat him with a little touch. But if it's a girl Cara you can and do with an ease that is... maybe just a little... I dunno, it was lovely but a little strange because it has never happened before." I shrugged and watched as a puzzled look crossed her face and then her mind spun and she connected the dots to her earlier actions and a blush slowly spread.

" I mean what is it we're talking about. I move back to Sydney and move in here with you and live as Cara and see if that causes any problems with my work or even yours perhaps? Do you play sugah momma and buy me clothes and jewellery and all the shoes a girl could ever want? " She blushed a bit more but whispered very quietly.

"Yes, if that's what it takes." she looked nervous but defiant maybe with an overlay of hopeful longing. At least that's how I read it. This was after all slightly uncharted territory. I frowned a little and she flinched ever so slightly which made me sad.

"Okay, that sounds like fun.... I think. I would certainly need a bit of help and starting from scratch takes I imagine some dosh that I don't have. Plus I know what sort of tastes you have, we have been shopping together a few times, Christ you can spend. There's problems I can't even guess at I'm sure but working together that can be got through. I could never be a kept women but some help at first... Umm..... Just.. how far.. how far do you want this to go, do I need tits or whatever to fit the role?" That last came out a little darker than I meant and she flinched and went pale.

"Oh fuck, no Cara, ummm... no, I mean oh hell yes.... shit, let me rephrase that. Nothing that we don't work through and agree and want together. I... oh fucking shit, this is hard. I have you in my mind already as Cara, my actions earlier, totally unconscious toward you that I didn't even register show that. But you are still you, Car, the girly guy my friend that I've known forever. I would rather you went back to Melbourne and we never spoke again than hurt you or pressure you into anything. I would love it, yes... if you went all the way into womanhood. As far as is possible, but I would hate myself forever if you did something to please me that you would not otherwise even have thought of. The whole thing is weird and funny and dangerous and treacherous and it will need a lot of crosschecking and talking and feeling our way. And fuck yes I mean WE. My God you can't quite imagine how much I want to have Cara here and feel her in my arms. But if we hug right now as I want to so badly that will give one of us the chance to flinch, to back away to shatter something fragile and delicate before it's even formed." She stopped, breathless and pale, tears rolling down her face.

I sat dead still for a moment, my heart hammering in my chest. Can I bloody do this, can I stand up and step across a line that isn't there and doesn't matter but sure as shit matters a hell of a lot and will swallow me whole. I licked my suddenly dry lips, stood and opened my arms. Liz didn't notice at first then must have caught the movement and looked up her eyes widening and a hint of fear and hope flashing across her face. I smiled softly and whispered to her.

"Come on Lizzie girl, give your girl a hug, lets take a chance huh, I don't break that fuckin' easy."

She stood very slowly and edged into my arms and we hugged wrapping our arms about one another and it was only as it happened I realised I had mine about her neck while she held me tight around the waist. I heard a very slight cough of laughter as she registered that fact as well.

"Hell yeah Cara my love, let's... taking the chance... sounds like a bloody good idea to me."

Then... well, we kissed, gentle and tender, what the hell did you expect would happen. Chance is a fine thing or something and you never know if you don't. So we stood there with that flamenco wafting quietly around and we felt each others breath and wondered and trembled a little and then just leant in and it wasn't quite two anymore.

~~Finis~~

Any thoughts, comments, questions or polite criticisms welcome.