The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1346 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

After my confrontation with Jason, I went off to see to the children–compared to the convoluted world of adults–dealing with children’s disputes is easy.

I got them all to bed eventually, except for Julie, who is practically an adult anyway. It was nine o’clock and I’d just sent Danny on his way–he watches stuff on the internet when he goes to bed–I make him leave a full history of sites he’s visited and check them out every so often–so far he’s been good–but then we have it so he or any of the others can't visit adult sites–I don’t need them and I doubt Simon does either.

We both found it incredible that some professor had been hounded from his job because he suggested that sperm made women relax–yeah, I fall asleep.

Actually what he suggested was that sperm/semen had evolved to get round the defences of women in order to give the man the best chance of fathering her offspring–research showed it had anxiolytic properties in women. He of course suggested we should go to bed and see if a quick seeing-to would make feel less anxious about this latest press intrusion.

I find it astonishing that no one has raised the old chestnut of Charlie, although I’m extremely grateful that no one has–perhaps transsexuals are old news?

Instead of going to bed early, I got Simon to read Macbeth with me–I’d learned some of the lines but was way behind on the schedule I’d set myself. Why do other people get in my way so much–if I was a real Lady M–I’d have sent a few hit squads out to despatch some of my irritations–no I wouldn’t–I just feel like it.

The next morning, a school day, I got Jenny to take the girls to school and Simon took Danny. I stayed behind with Puddin’ and Catherine. Puddin’ who has seen me feed Catherine many times decided that today, she wanted to breast feed as well.

At first I said no, but she burst into tears and effectively told me I didn’t love her. I let her sit on my lap to calm down because she was upsetting the baby, and she snuggled into me and latched on to my nipple–it was a fait accompli–and I was glad she’d sucked it dry before Jenny came back.

“Any bother?” I asked Jenny.

“We had a tail, probably photos and so on taken with a zoom lens.”

“They’re such a blessed nuisance, why can’t they leave me in peace.”

“Because you’re so newsworthy.”

“Newsworthy–me? I’m boring–I don’t even speed in the car–not usually.”

“Yeah, you are–look at it from their point of view: You’re a beautiful transsexual woman; married to an aristocrat; with more children than the old woman who lived in a shoe; who makes films about cute furry things; and happens to have the greatest healing gift since the New Testament–that enough?”

“Not sure, give ‘em to me again,” I teased and she threw a duster at me.

“Oh and about to play Lady M with a current heart throb.”

“Shit–and I still don’t know my lines.”

“Shit,” said Puddin’ waddling round the kitchen, “Shit, shit.”

“Be thankful you didn’t say anything worse.”

“Okay–I won’t kill her until dinner, when I’ll roast her over an open fire.”

“Um–suckling baby–yeah–could catch on–what veg would you do?”

“That’s easy, baby potatoes, carrots and peas.”

“Oh yeah–’course–obvious, innit?”

I thought so which was why I said it.

“Wanna do some reading of your part?” offered Jenny.

“That would be brilliant–thanks kiddo.”

“Let’s have a cuppa and get stuck in,” she said filling the kettle.

“Shit, shit,” said a small person which the other pigmy thought was really funny, so she said it some more. I was now wondering where we could erect a spit and a bonfire.

“...all the perfumes of Arabia...”

“Shit, shit, shit.”

“I’m going to strangle her if this goes on much longer–how am I supposed to concentrate while she’s running round like a foul mouthed pin ball?”

“She did get it from somewhere in the first place.”

“I know, but I’ve learned my lesson and am now a reformed character–the punishment has proved effective–I don’t remember it being a life sentence.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Shit, shit,” said Puddin’ walking round the table leg of the kitchen table.

“If she wasn’t my niece, I’d have sent her to play with the crocodiles at the zoo.”

“Charming.”

“Sharmin,” said our toddler, “Sharmin.”

“Well done, you fixed the sticky needle,” I congratulated Jenny.

“Shit, sharmin, shit, shit.”

“I think you hatcheted your counts before they chickened,” said Jenny.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right–I knew the old joke about the good count and the bad one, and the bad one was after the other’s money. He wouldn’t talk even after torture so the bad count built a guillotine and just as he released the blade onto the good counts neck, the good count changed his mind and was going to say where kept his treasure–sounds like my sort of luck.

We had lunch and I got stuck into some chores while Jenny went to collect the girls, Tom was getting Danny, who would catch a bus to the university for his lift home. I knew that Tom would spoil him rotten, but as they don’t see that much of each other unless they’re gardening, I thought it would be nice for both of them in any case.

I was hanging some washing on the line when I felt I had someone watching me–it’s quite a spooky feeling–and I spun round–there was no one there.

I finished hanging out the second lot of bed linen and turned round to pick up the freshly dried stuff when I looked up and saw Laura Lawrence in the garden.

“I’d really like to talk with you, Lady Cameron.”

“What are you doing here, this is private property, please leave immediately or I’ll call the police.”

“Go ahead–in order to prove trespass there has to be damage.”

“I’ll think of something–now get out of here or I will call them.”

“C’mon, you have these amazing powers–don’t the people have a right to know about it?”

“No–what concern of theirs is it?”

“But you have this wonderful gift?”

“Who says so–only you say so.”

“How could you pass up on curing an old man with lung cancer–don’t tell me you didn’t pick up on it, because I know that you did–but your privacy is more important–you self righteous types make me sick.”

“Please go.”

“Not until I get my interview.”

“I wouldn’t talk to you if you were the only other person alive on the planet.”

“Okay, Lady Smart-arse, let’s see how well you heal yourself.”

I saw the flash of the sun on the knife blade and threw myself backwards rolling over the grass and springing back onto my feet.

She came at me slashing and swiping.

“Please stop–I’ll talk to you.”

“Too late now–I’ll watch you die if you aren’t the mystery healer, but I’m sure you are–so you’ll heal yourself, won’t you?”

She slashed at me again and I jumped back–I didn’t want to hurt her, or get hurt, but this was getting quite hairy.

“Stand still, dammit,” she said puffing–I was hardly out of breath, so obviously in better shape.

I heard the car enter the drive, she didn’t–she was still intent on doing me harm. I saw Livvie and Trish running into the garden to see me.

“No, go back.” I shouted at them.

“Ha–the oldest trick in the book–didn’t fool me.” She swung the knife at me and one of the girls screamed. That was all I needed–she momentarily looked behind and I kicked the knife from her hand probably breaking her wrist as I did it.

“You bitch–you’ve broken my arm–you’ve broken my bloody arm.”

“Trish, tell Jenny to call the police.”

“You’ve hurt me–you bitch–now fix it.”

“I think you must be joking–I’m not a doctor.”

“But you hurt me–my hand look at it.”

“Next time it’ll be your face. C’mon back to the house we’ll wait for the police there.”