The Swan
by Andrea Lena DiMaggio
The Ugly Duckling…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMKxnYRhk6I
Andy looked out the porch window at the downpour that threatened to ruin the whole weekend. He had planned on a day of exploration as the new cousin in the home wasn't well received by the older boys. Never a big kid, he seemed to fade into the woodwork when Jack and Tommy were around. Even at 15 he was closer in appearance to a middle school kid than a boy on the verge of manhood. Which was alright with him.
"Come on, we're gonna go down to the park and play touch football. You know how to play, don't you, Annie." Tommy teased as he pulled on his spikes.
"Nah, she's better off staying inside. Wouldn't want her hurt or anything." Jack laughed and threw a sweatshirt at his brother.
"That's very cerebral, guys. Take all morning thinking that one up?" Andy half-smiled. "I'll see you later and we can discuss the global implications of the free market approach of emerging third world nations, okay?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Tommy twisted around and threw his hands in the air.
"Nothing, Tommy, nothing...just talking to myself." Andy did a lot of that. His mother and father were in Europe on business for her company so he was spending the summer with his cousins.
"Well, if you change your mind? Don't bother. Even the little kids would kick your fucking ass. See you later!" Jack said as he walked out with his brother into the rain.
"Well, that at least leaves me time alone." Andy thought to himself as he grabbed his book and headed into the living room, hoping to sit in the recliner next to the fireplace, which by now had a good fire going. He was disappointed when he heard a voice from behind.
"Are you ready? You know we've got the whole afternoon. Jack and Tommy are going over to Eddie's house to play video games. Don't mind them. They're not too bad...just like to tease. But let's not take any chances, huh?" Dina smiled and pointed to her room.
"I've changed my mind. I'm not sure I want to do this." Andy shook his head even as Dina grabbed his hand and began pulling him into her bedroom.
"Nope...you promised, and I think it would be wrong of me to let you back out." She actually meant that, being that she was helping him and not the other way around.
"We decided...rather...you decided that this was something that had to happen. I may be your cousin, but I think I'm the only one in the world that actually listens to you."
"Well, apart from now...yeah, Dina you are." What began as a whimsical moment quickly degenerated into sadness as he noticed the look in her eyes.
"You'll never be happy unless we start now. I know...believe me." She shook her head and her voice seemed to turn angry, but not at him.
"It needs to be soon....Danni waited too long and it's been a real hell for her." She wiped a tear from her eye and tried to smile.
"Besides, what's the worst that could happen? The boys are away for the day and if you don't like it, it doesn't have to go any further." Andy shook his head again and bit his lip.
"That's the problem...I'm afraid I won't like it. What if I'm just another..."
"Plain Jane? Welcome to the club, cousin. Life isn't like a story. We all don't get to be swans!" She started humming
"The Ugly Duckling" as she renewed her efforts to bring her cousin closer to his destiny...from her perspective. She was right...We don't all get to be swans, but neither do we all have to remain ducklings. Now to whether her cousin was a Pen or a Cob...that was the question at hand.
"So what do you think?" Dina stood behind Andy as he looked into the mirror over her dresser. Staring back at him wasn't
the 15 year old teenage geek that had few friends. Standing in his place was a 15 teenage geek...girl. Looking like a cross between Ellen Page and Zach Efron, he was a fairly reasonable approximation of a shy, retiring book worm. His makeover made him look like the girl who wants to be attractive but favors near-Goth instead; in need of the makeover he already received.
"I don't know. She looks....pale." Andy tilted his head and shook his hair. He hadn't had a haircut in a month, and the mousy brown locks seemed to look sorta girlish ...he just didn't know.
"Try this. She pulled off his glasses and put her frames on him. Suddenly he was transformed from geek to semi-geek as her girly frames seemed to bring out the look Dina had done on his eyes.
"No doubt about it...you'd pass in a heartbeat. You'd certainly be the best looking girl in the chess club." Dina laughed as she took a brush to his hair,
"I'd be the only girl in the chess club!" Andy said and shook his head. It was starting to feel very odd. The slight added weight on his chest, coupled with the new sensation of the draft created by the newness of a denim midi skirt made him feel....good.
"Try on the boots. They'll bring the look together." Dina said as she fitted the matching denim jacket over his button down white blouse.
"You look just like you could....meet the world." She chuckled.
"I can meet the world...it's getting found out that I'm concerned about." He looked once again in the mirror, squinting to see if his face would change. It didn't. The final product was perfectly passable, if only for a day. He had thought about this for a long time, and had backed out five times previously. Only the pleading of his cousin got him to relent and follow thru.
"She won't go for it!" He said as he looked over his shoulder at his rear.
"Nonsense. One look at you and it'll be love at first sight."
"Yeah, until she gets a look under the hood. Kicking the tires and playing the radio is one thing, but she won't like the engine at all."
"Well, I'm not so sure about that. From what Colleen says, she sorta ... well it's weird. Let's just say Colleen says she's open minded.
"What? You told her sister? No! I can't do this you know it won't work now...sisters talk."
"As do cousins, my dear. Besides, Colleen isn't just my best friend, silly." Dina tilted her head forward and grinned.
"You know? Not just my best FRIEND?" She smiled as Andy's eyes widened.
"You and Colleen? Wow...I would never have thought that you were her type." He slapped her arm softly and laughed.
"Good...that's just soft enough she'll never guess." Dina laughed enough to snort.
"Funny." He paused and shook his head. Sitting down on the bed he picked up a small pillow that was lying on her comforter and hugged it like a stuffed animal.
"It's so fucked up. Dina...Am I fucked up for wanting this?" He bit his lip.
"Hey...no crying...you'll ruin your makeup and no, you're not fucked up. Lotsa boys like wearing nice things. I read
online that most boys who dress up like girls...not all of them...and some even get married and have kids.
"Maureen is a nice girl...I've loved her since I was six. What if she hates me after this. I won't just be the geek in school anymore. I'll be the freak. Everybody will know and I'll be a dead kid as far as anyone is concerned." Andy began to cry despite Dina's warnings. She sat down on the bed and held him in her arms.
"It's okay....shhhh shhhh.... Don't cry.... you're messing your makeup. We're not going for the raccoon look, sweetie." She rocked him in her arms and sang, "....You're a very fine swan indeed...."
"You really think this will work?"
"I'm positive. You'll see. First time...maybe a few times we'll be double dating. Now let's get you repaired okay?"
A few minutes later Annie Mangano was ready for her first date, not just with a girl, with anyone. She shook a bit as she waited for her cousin to get ready.
"Can you hand me that half-slip that's lying on my dresser?
"Sure!”
Annie walked over to the bathroom door. Dina was standing at the sink with a towel wrapped around her, putting her makeup on. Her hair was very short and almost a dirty blond. She accepted the slip from Annie and closed the door. A few moments later she was standing in front of her dresser next to Annie as they checked themselves once more before going out. Black Denim knee-length skirt and an aqua tank top under a beige sweater.
"Geez, what am I thinking. Grab the two raincoats out of the hall closet and the umbrellas, just in case it starts raining again." Dina walked over to her closet and pulled down a large box from the shelf. It was an old Lite-Brite box but inside was her treasure. Opening it up, she pulled out a long auburn wig, not too wavy and not to straight.
"Wow…You look...beautiful." Annie said as she stared at her cousin.
"Maybe next weekend we can go to Pressler's when Mom isn't working? She helps me shop for everything!" Dina said as they walked out of her bedroom, turning the light off. The two walked to the front door, taking a final inventory at the mirror in the hallway before exiting. They got into Dina’s car and drove off.
It might have been overcast with a forecast of frequent showers, but it promised to be a perfect afternoon for Maureen and Colleen, the McKenna twins and their dates, the Mangano cousins, Andy and Dean.
The Ugly Duckling
Words and Music by
Frank Loesser
performed by Danny Kaye
Little Life…
Andy:
Little life
It's a drab existence
Ev'ry day
I just want to cry
Little life
broken dreams and wishes
Waking up to say:
Mirror:
Lie!
Lie!
Lie! Lie! Lie!
Andy:
Awakened now again the same old feeling
The same old story left to tell
Ev'ry morning without fail
waking up the same old male
to the same old sad existence
My own Hell!
Aunt Marie:
Honey, Andy
What's up for today?
Andy:
The Library. I just finished the most wonderful story
about a girl and a wolf and a....
Aunt Marie:
That's nice. Andy! Crosstown Bus! Hurry up!
Neighbors:
Look there he goes that boy is strange, peculiar
Confused and dizzy, almost wild?
Never part of any clique
'Cause he's looking awfully thick
There's no doubt that he is someone's faggy child.
Man:
Hello
Good day
How is your mother?
Woman:
Hello
Good Show!
How goes your day!
Woman:
(He's not so bad?)
Man:
(Oh yes he is!)
Andy:
There has to be; there must be some other better way!
Librarian:
Ah, Andy.
Andy:
Good Morning. I've come to return the book I borrowed.
Librarian:
Finished already?
Andy:
Oh, I couldn't put it down. Have you got anything new?
Librarian:
Ha Ha! Not since yesterday.
Andy:
That's all right. I'll borrow . . . . . this one!
Librarian:
That one? But you've read it twice!
Andy:
Well, it's my favorite! Boy meets girl...boy becomes girl!
Girl weds girl?
Librarian:
If you like it all that much, it's yours!
Andy:
But ma'am!
Librarian:
I insist.
Andy:
Well, thank you. Thank you very much!
Library Patrons:
Look there he goes, that boy is so eccentric
I wonder if he's feeling quite okay
With a look that just seems fey
acting girlish every day.
And his destinations is hell, he's on his way
Andy:
Oh, isn't this a comfort
It's my fav'rite part in the whole tale
Here's where he sees the doctor
And it won't be long before she isn't male!
Now it's no wonder that my name means war'ior
I feel like I'm in for a fight
But behind my stalwart face
I'm fear I'm just a disgrace
Since everyone thinks I'm wrong and they are right
Patrons:
She's nothing like the rest of us
Yes, diff'rent from us! She's absolutely wrong and we are right! (She?)
Buffone:
Wow! You didn't miss a point, Pastor!
You're the greatest preacher in the whole world!
Pastor:
I know.
Buffone:
No freak alive stands a chance against you. Ha ha ha!
And no t-girl, for that matter.
Pastor:
It's true, Buffone. And I've got my sights set on that one.
Buffone:
Oh yeah...from that family down the block.
Pastor:
He's the one - the twisted boy I'm going to bother.
Buffone:
But he's -
Pastor:
The queerest boy in town.
Buffone:
I know, but -
Pastor:
That makes him a sinner. And doesn't he deserve condemnation?
Buffone:
Well, of course! I mean yes, but -
Pastor:
Right from the moment when I met him, saw him
I said he's evil I can tell
Here in town there's only me
Who will stand against him you see
So I'm preaching that his kind will go to hell
Choir:
Look there he goes
Isn't he learned?
Reverend Pastore
Oh he's so strong
Be still my heart
I'm hardly breathing
He preaches oh so well
of right and wrong
Man:
Amen
Pastor:
Excuse me!
Another Man:
Good Word!
Yet Another Man:
Yes!
Prophet:
You call this orthodox?
Woman:
What lovely dogma!
Man:
We need rules!
Woman:
More than ten!
Another Man:
and a pound of flesh
Pastor:
Listen!
Theologian:
Enforce the doctrine!
Pastor:
His life's a lie!
Little boy:
This bread -
Little girl:
Those fish -
Both:
It's like a story!
Man:
Not so! No grace!
Sad Man:
This makes me cry.
Andy:
There must be more for me than hellish strife
Pastor:
Just watch me now, I'm going to destroy his life!
Congregation:
Look there he goes a boy who's strange, peculiar
A boyish girl if looks might tell
It's outrageous and a sin
Cause he'll never quite fit in
'Cause he really is a oddity
a really queer commodity
a freakish trannie girl
Who’s bound for HELL................
"Andy...Andy..wake up. Jack, Tommy...Andy isn't waking up. Oh God my painkillers...Dina! call 911!
Belle
from Beauty and the Beast
Words and Music by
Alan Menken and Howard Ashman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVovQfq7U0w
The Dead Kid…
If only night could hold you
Where I can see you, my love
Then let me never ever wake again
And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away
We'll be lost before the dawn
Mercy Hospital Emergency Waiting Room, Council Bluffs,Iowa
"Mrs. Mangano? Are you Andy's mother?" The tall slim woman stood with her hand to her forehead.
"I'm his aunt...his...his parents are in Europe on business. I've notified them and you have the fax they sent."
"Emergency procedures are handled and we worry about the details afterwards. He's stable. We pumped his stomach. You got to him just in time. A few more minutes? I'm glad someone was there for him; he ingested about four pills. We've got a specialist that will see him when he's moved. I'm afraid he won't be going home this evening. I hope you understand."
"Oh gosh, yes. We just want him...we want Andy to be safe." Marie paused as Dr. Javit shook her head.
"This might have been a cry for help...he'll be evaluated to see if he's unsafe, but the worst is over for the time being." Marie began to cry.
"He's had some trouble lately in school. Bullying...not so much as just being ignored; he seems to be struggling with...”
"Mrs. Mangano, were you aware he was cutting himself?" Persis looked at her with a half-frown, not to judge, but in real concern.
"No, but I'm not surprised. He's having issues." She shook her head and bit her lip.
"He's such a precious kid, but his parents are rarely home and I think he might need some help with...."
"Mrs. Mangano, we know about his gender conflict. He was in and out for a while and he kept saying he didn't want to be a girl."
"You mean he's...I thought he was conflicted." She shook her head once again and stared down the hall as if some help might arrive to get everything sorted out.
"He is. Mrs. Mangano...May I call you Marie?" Marie nodded and Persis continued.
"He kept saying over and over, "I can't help it..." At one point he woke up completely after the procedure and began weeping. Roz, our charge nurse tried to calm him down but he was almost hysterical. Something about a girl...'It's too hard...I can't change...'"
Marie looked at Persis and tears filled her eyes.
"He's always been different. His dad and mom mean well. He's been to a couple of psychiatrists. He's staying with us and he told me the other night that he'd do what he could to make them happy...his parents. When I asked him what he meant, he shrugged his shoulders and frowned. 'I'll do my best.' Oh. God I should have seen this coming." Marie began to weep. Persis pulled her close and held her at arms- length. She looked her in the eye and spoke softly but firmly.
"Marie...there was no way of knowing he would do this...there were no indications that you were aware of...his cutting is on his thighs, and in the middle of April he's not going to be wearing shorts. It's not your fault." She half-smiled and pulled Marie closer, hugging her while patting her on the back.
"We'll get this sorted out. The social worker will be talking to you to see if you folks need any help. I'm going to check on him and I'll see you upstairs after he's admitted. I'm sorry, but he'll be on the psych ward for at least tonight, okay?"
"Thank you...Doctor...? I don't know your name." Marie put her hand on Persis' arm.
"Javit…Persis Javit...You can call me Persis...I'll see you upstairs." She smiled and walked into the open elevator and was gone. Marie wiped her face with an eyeglass cloth she found in her jacket pocket. She went to walk back to the waiting area but stopped. Looking up, she mouthed a few words of prayer before sighing deeply. She thought of Dean, her own son, and how things had been kept quiet and hidden.
"No...No longer. She's my baby..." Her voice, already a whisper, trailed off as she vowed she'd talk with her husband and her other sons along with Dina when she got home.
A while later
“Honest, Mom…he didn’t say anything to me. We had a good afternoon on Saturday. I don’t know what’s going on…..” Dean hung his head as his mother leaned against the back of the chair in the waiting room. Andy had been moved upstairs and they were expecting Dr. Javit to come out any second on her way back down to the ER.
“He’s been cutting himself. Do you know anything about that?” She leaned forward and cupped his chin in her hand to get his attention.
“I didn’t know he was cutting…no.” He paused.
“I hear a ‘but’ in there somewhere. What’s going on? I thought things were getting better.”
“They were, but Saturday after we dropped the girls off, we were walking back to the car and the girls’ brother came up to us.” He turned away, trying hard not to start crying.
“Dean…what happened?”
The previous Saturday evening after the big double date
Meet me after dark again
And I'll hold you (hold you)
I want nothing more than to see you there (hold you)
And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away
We'll be lost before the dawn
Annie stood on the porch. She was still self-conscious, but much of that dissipated as Maureen McKenna kissed her, right on the porch they would kid later.
"I hope you don't think I'm weird or anything," she said, leaving Annie to wonder how a girl who had just gone out on a date with a boy nearly as cute in a skirt as her would think she herself was weird. Annie just sighed and kissed her back.
"I saw a movie one time...that movie about the man and the Angel?" Maureen said out of the blue. Annie looked at her sideways. She smiled and whispered in his ear.
"I'm gonna love you Annie Mangano until the day I die!" She said, mimicking the little girl in the movie. Another kiss and a call from the sidewalk.
"Come on, Annie...we have to get back before Jack and Tommy!" Dina smiled and pointed to the car. Annie kissed Maureen one last time as Colleen waved and smiled at Dina from the front door. The girls walked back into the house and the cousins were rudely accosted by a loud voice.
"Hey Mangano…what the fuck? Going to a freak party or sumthin’?” Archie McKenna stood in the middle of the sidewalk, flanked by his brother Jimmy and his friend Danny Carlin.
“Come on, Archie, leave ‘em alone.” Jimmy pulled on his brother’s sleeve, evoking a shove.”’
“No, Jimmy…this has to stop!” Archie stepped in front of Annie, blocking her path.
“Who the fuck do you think you are, takin’ our sisters out? You know Danny is dating Colleen, you fucking queer.” He shoved Annie hard, knocking her down onto the wet ground of the neighbor’s yard.
“Yeah…that’s my girl, you fucking fag.” Annie tried to get up but was pushed rudely to the ground by Danny. As he pulled his fist back to punch the girl, he felt his hand being pulled back suddenly. Turning around he found himself face-to-face with Jimmy McKenna.
“Stop it, Danny. They weren’t hurting you. Leave ‘em alone.” Jimmy let go of Danny’s hand.
“Fuck you, McKenna.” Danny went to hit Annie and ended up hitting Jimmy’s open palm. He twisted Danny’s hand behind his back, not too gently either.
“I said leave ‘em alone. What part of the word stop don’t you understand? Go home Danny. And you,” he said turning to his brother, “Get in the house now. I’ll deal with you later!” Archie thought about going at it with his big brother but thought better of it. He turned and started to walk back to the house, but not before spitting on Annie as he walked by.
“Fuck you, you little fag.” Archie laughed and walked off. Jimmy offered Annie a hand and pulled her to her feet. Dina brushed the mud off the back of Annie’s raincoat.
“Thanks, Jimmy.” Dina said and held her hand out. Jimmy took it tentatively but held Dina’s hand longer than just a shake.
“I can’t be everywhere, Dean. You guys need to back off. This isn’t going to work. I don’t have to go into the reasons, but you know this isn’t going to end up too good. And I don’t want my sisters hurt, so you better think about stayin’ away.” Jimmy let go of Dean’s hand and started to walk off. He got about ten years and stopped and turned.
“Archie may be stupid but he’s not going to let this go. It’s the stubborn McKenna blood I guess. He's clueless and really not that bad a kid, but he's convinced about this and he won’t let this go, and you’ll end up in the hospital.”
He shook his head.
“Jimmy…I thought we were friends?” Dean held his hands out in a plea.
“Yeah…but our friendship only goes as far as my sisters’ well-being. You’re fucking with that and I won’t have it, friend or no. Please stay away, for everybody’s sake." Annie had already walked to the car, her head down. Dean caught up with her.
“Andy…Annie…don’t let that get to you.” Dean half-smiled.
“We don’t have to listen to those jerks.”
“He’s right. Even if the girls want to see us, they’ll end up the laughing stock of school. I can’t have that. Maureen is too important to me.” She got into the car but turned toward the window as Dean got in and started the engine.
“I thought you said you loved her?” Dean pled. Annie looked at him and frowned.
“That’s just it…I do..that’s why this has to stop…now.” She turned her head and leaned her forehead against the window and began to sob. A hand reached over and patted her on the back. Her shoulder tensed up and she tried to shrug it off. A soft voice spoke as Dina ‘returned.”
“It's okay, sis,” she said to her cousin as she rubbed Annie’s back. “It's okay.” She looked back at the house before putting the car in gear, her own eyes beginning to fill with tears.
Maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away
We'll be lost before the dawn
Two days later, Mercy Hospital Psychiatric Ward
"Okay, Andy...I think that's about it. You rest and someone will be in to see you about getting you discharged." The psych nurse smiled and left the room. He had been admitted overnight. He had taken the pills to sleep. His insomnia had gotten worse, and the Ambien the doctor prescribed wasn't helping at all. He misjudged the dosage, thinking that the four pills he took would just help him rest. So desperate that he had been foolish. He looked out the window of the room and sighed.
"Honey? It's going to be okay. I brought someone to help you." He stood motionless until he heard a familiar voice.
"Mom says we'll work together, okay sweetie?" Turning around he saw his cousin Dean...rather he saw his cousin Dina standing there smiling with tears in her eyes.
"Hey...you're out!" Andy said with surprise. Apart from their secret forays into the outside world, nobody but Aunt Marie had seen Dina besides him.
"I think we need to have a talk with your mom and dad when they get here tomorrow." Andy cringed at the thought. They were bound to be angry over the whole overdose thing, but his dad would really be on the warpath when the doctor talked to them on Monday.
"I can't, Aunt Marie...I'd rather...." He was going to use the word 'die,' but that wasn't what he meant. He was confused....He didn't really want to die, did he?
"Honey...they love you...really…you know that. We just have to work harder to help them understand. And we've got help with the doctor. And Dina here!" She squeezed Dina's hand.
"They don't understand. They think it's because of what they did or didn't do...it's not like that." He looked at Dina and shrugged as if to beg for help. Dina nodded, but it was too overwhelming for Andy. He began to cry. He looked around for the nurse, and when he didn't see her in the hall he sat on his bed.
"If they see me crying...." He looked up and tried to smile.
"It's okay, honey. You're coming home today. They sort of expect you to be crying." Marie sat down on the bed and hugged him.
"Aunt Marie...what if they won't let me...what if I have to stay this way...I don't know if I can do it." He buried his face in her arms and began to weep.
"Is everything okay?" The nurse came at the sound of his sobs.
"He just feels bad for what he did," which wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the only reason he wept. Andrew Peter Mangano, Junior was convinced that once his father got home, everything he held important about himself would be ignored, and the already altogether short and stifled life of Anne Marie Mangano would come to a sad end.
"It's okay, sweetheart...it's going to be okay,” Marie said as she stroked the boy's hair.
"It's going to be okay, right?" Marie mouthed as she looked upward. Glancing over at Dina she noticed her staring. She put her hands together and mouthed,
"Prayer." Dina smiled and nodded.
"Me, too, Mom." She put her left hand on Andy's shoulder and began to whisper words of comfort.
“Sisters, sweetie…sisters” She repeated several times while rubbing Andy’s back. Andy turned and faced Dina and half-smiled, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He took a deep breath.
“Yep…sisters.”
Somehow I know that we can't
Wake again from this dream
It's not real, but it's ours
The next day at the Mangano home
“Oh God, Andy what were you thinking? You could have died.” Constance put her gloves and purse on the table and rushed to the boy, pulling him in for a hug.”
“For god’s sake, Connie, don’t encourage him.” Andrew Mangano tossed his coat on the back of the couch. Walking over to Andy he stopped just short of contact.
“Do you realize what you just put your mother through?” He shook his head and looked away.
“Andy…” Marie spoke softly. “Why don’t you and Dean go and call out for Pizza….Get some Buffalo wings and some salad too. Your uncle Pete will be home in a while, and we didn’t get to shop. Andy and Dean quickly left the room as Andrew stood by the fireplace.
“Andrew?” She walked over and put her hand on his shoulder.
“The boy is scared to talk to you…don’t make it any harder.” She said softly as she rubbed his back. The gesture had a calming effect as Andrew relaxed.
“What are we to do? We’ve tried doctors…psychiatrists? We even took him to a hypnotherapist. Nothing helped.” He shook his head and sighed. Andrew Mangano loved his son, but he had absolutely no understanding whatsoever. Connie walked over and hugged him from behind.
“I know this is difficult,” she put rested her head on his back and began to sob softly.
“But we have to keep trying…he’s our child, Andy…he’s our boy.”
“I know…I just don’t know what to do.” Andrew turned and his eyes were filled with tears.
“I was afraid…we could have lost him.” He shook his head. Some misplaced guilt and shame had crept in and was threatening to smother the real honest and necessary conviction that Andrew felt.
“You need to listen to him. Hear him.” Marie said softly, putting her hands on Connie’s and Andrew’s shoulders.
“We’ve been listening.” Connie argued without strength, as if to convince herself as well as her sister-in-law.
“No, honey…you haven’t. You’ve heard the words but you haven’t listened to his mind…and his heart.” She shook her head even as Connie brought her hand to her mouth to stifle a sob.
“Let’s get you settled in. Pete should be home any second, and we can have dinner. There’s a lot we need to discuss about what happened and what the doctors said, okay?”
Later that evening after dinner
“Can I get anybody coffee?” Pete held up a mug.
“Tea, please?” Marie said as she grabbed the paper plates and soda cups off the table. Connie and Andrew nodded.
“Can we be excused? Kenny Giambrone is having a birthday party at his house tonight…we talked about it?” Jack and Tommy were getting up when Marie held her hand up.
“No later than 11:00, okay…it’s a school night and we have to get going early tomorrow.” Jack went to open his mouth but thought better of it as his father glared at him from the kitchen. The two nodded and smiled.
“Will you guys still be here when we get back?” Tommy asked. Andrew went to speak but Marie said,
“Oh, yes. And I really need you to be here before they leave, okay?”
“Sure thing, mom.” Jack kissed her on the cheek and Tommy waved from the door and they were off.
A little later that evening
“Dean, could you go take care of that errand we talked about this afternoon. Take Andy with you, okay?” Connie looked at Marie as the boys ran down the hall to Dean’s bedroom. Just getting the kids out of the room, she thought.
“Pete, let the dishes go for now…I need you to sit down so we call all talk together?” Pete nodded and put the mugs he had in his hand into the sink He grabbed four bottles of Poland Spring from the fridge before sitting down.
“Okay, I know this is important and all, but what does this have to do with us,” he said as he looked at his brother and sister-in-law. Andrew looked at Marie as if to say, ‘yes, what of it?”
“Andy didn’t mean to O.D. The doctor at the hospital examined him and he was evaluated for self-harm.” Connie’s hand flew to her mouth and she once again stifled a sob.
“He hasn’t been able to sleep, as you guys already know. The Ambien wasn’t working. They usually don’t prescribe it for 15-year-olds to begin with, and the doctor recommended that Andy not use it until he sees the new psychiatrist.” She took a deep breath in anticipation of questions.
“Well, we already have him seeing Dr. Anderson.” Connie shook her head slightly, which Andrew took as a sign of disappointment, which it was.
“He’s out of touch. I know he means well, but Andy said the guy just doesn’t understand. I’m no expert on this stuff, but when you don’t think your shrink understands you, there’s a problem.” Andrew laughed nervously while looking down the hall.
“What are the boys up to? I thought Andy would at least be here so we can talk.”
“We’re not going to talk right away, okay? Let me answer your question first while the boys get ready, alright?”
“Get ready for what?” Connie asked. She looked over her shoulder down the hall as well.
“They’re just doing me a favor, sweetie. As far as the doctor goes? She’s a specialist who works with kids like Andy.” Marie almost cringed for the inevitable.
“Whatyamean? Kids like Andy?” Andrew said in a tone that would most accurately be described as his “outside voice.”
“Andy and boys like him…and girls…go through a period of development that isn’t really all that uncommon. Where they sort out who and what they are to become…more likely determine who and what the already are. You follow me?” Marie smiled and was met with three confused expressions.
“As a matter of fact, our Dean is going through the same…questions as Andy.” Pete looked down the hallway and saw a light coming from Dean’s bedroom.
“Dean’s going through questions? What…He’s fifteen. He’s already decided he wants to go to college. I thought a lot of those kinds of questions don’t happen until they get to college. Marie? What’s this all about?” Connie looked nervously at her watch, as if they were on a schedule.
“The boys are…different than a lot of their peers. Of course, we know that both of them are very bright, but then so are Jackie and Tommy. But they’ve got other issues they’re dealing with that…are different.” She cringed again as Pete half-stood up, hindered by her grip on his arm.
“For cryin’ out loud, Marie…what are you driving at?” He wasn’t angry, but his anxiety showed on his face; he was anticipating the worst, which wasn’t nearly as bad as what he was about to discover, at least from his perspective.
“After the evaluation, the hospital psychiatrist gave Andy a referral to Dr. Callahan…Patricia Callahan. After talking with her on the phone I set up an appointment for Dean as well.” She paused and all three faces looked at her as if to say, “And?”
“Dr. Callahan is a psychiatrist who deals with gender issues.” Connie dropped her empty mug on the table. Pete cocked his head as if to check his hearing. Andrew’s mouth opened wide as he stared blankly over Connie’s shoulder. Standing in the archway of the hall were two cute if all too familiar teenage girls. Both girls had short hair, glasses, and nervous expressions. The blond wore a grey corduroy miniskirt over black tights with ankle boots. She had on a white t-shirt with a Coca-Cola logo under a blue denim vest. The mousy brown hair of the other girl was long enough for two tortoiseshell barrettes. She wore a blue denim midi skirt and brown boots along with a light blue shell under a short, blue corduroy jacket. Marie smiled and said softly,
“Lady and gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time anywhere, Dina Louise Mangano and her cousin Anne Marie Mangano.” The introduction was followed by a soft thud as Connie’s head hit the table as she fainted; a soft but decidedly frustrated sigh by Andrew; and Pete’s exclamation.
“Sonofabitch!”
Before the Dawn
words and music by
Amy Lee
as performed by Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivFXVuzwu5U
Non-Identical Cousins…
No longer bad
now someone good
at last I'm valued like I always hope they would
no longer wrong
now something right
my mom and dad woke up and fine'ly saw the light
Now I'm the one
I hoped they'd see
And now I'm free to be the someone that is me
no longer dark
they've seen the light
my life at last is fine'ly getting to be bright
Oh please don't go and wake me
now I'm the one they love so dear
Yes...it's true that I'm dreaming
To awaken from this bliss is what I truely fear
Well, who'd have dreamed
Well, bless my heart
Who'd have conceived
Well, who indeed?
And who'd have known that I would be whom I believed
It's just a dream. For goodness sake
We'll wait and see
A few hours more and then I'll go ahead and wake
There's something there but nothing more
Maybe it won't return to the way it was before
Oh it will be exactly like it was before
The loud buzz of the alarm pierced the heart of the sleeping girl and the dream vanished in an instant. Andy turned over and looked at the time. 7am.
"What?...oh..." He reached over and switched it off. Sitting up he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He absentmindedly went to smooth his hair and felt the rough edges of the crew cut that he now wore. He bit his tongue and shook his head before getting up and walking to the bathroom. The whole room reeked of pine cleaner; not a trace or hint of jasmine or honeysuckle remained. He reached into the shower stall and turned on the hot water before stripping. Tossing the white cotton underwear unceremoniously into the hamper, he climbed into the shower.
"Andy, Dean is on the phone, honey. He wants to know if you're coming over this morning to help them clean the garage." Connie yelled from downstairs. As Andy turned the water off he heard another voice.
"Dean...put your dad on the phone...yes." There was a brief silent pause and then Andy heard his father speak again.
"Look, Pete...I think it best if the boys don't see each other for a while...Yes I know. but Dr. Anderson thinks it best if they have a...time-out." Another pause.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Pete. Look...you do what you see fit...I still think you're wrong. No...they're not girls...we went over this already. You're treating this like they're twins. Well, Pete they're not identical, you know? Fine...Well...we'll see...Sunday? Let me think about it. Yeah, love you too. Bye!"
"Andrew...please." His mother pled.
"No...The doctor said"
"The doctor is wrong, Andrew and you know it. You don't want to buck the medical authority. Well, that's why God invented second opinions." Connie was angry and Andy slumped against the shower wall as tears filled his eyes. The water grew cooler and cooler until he heard his mother's voice once again fifteen minutes later.
"Andy...would you come down here...your dad and I want to talk with you." Her voice was loud but not angry or nearly as urgent as he expected. He toweled off and walked into the bedroom. He threw on some underwear along with some sweatpants and a tee.
"Wha....what did you want to te...tttellll me." He stammered as he walked into the kitchen. Andrew was sitting at the table looking out the window. Connie smiled and walked over to him. She pulled him into a hug and smiled.
"We've decided to get you an appointment with Dr. Callahan. Okay? Would you like that?" Andy couldn't believe his ears. He looked over at his dad, who just smiled at him and nodded. Andy looked at his mother and he pulled him into another hug and kissed his head.
"Oh, honey..." She shook her head, a sad frown on her face, feeling the roughness of his crew cut on her lips.
"One thing good about hair...it grows back." She smiled and nodded at him again.
"Go upstairs and get your socks and shoes on, okay. We've got a garage to clean." She smiled at him and shooed him out of the kitchen. Andrew looked at her and half-smiled.
"One thing I am so thankful for...actually two." She looked at him, puzzled.
"First, I am so glad that God gave me a wise woman for a wife." He pause and she replied,
"And?" She tilted her head.
"He made me wise enough to listen to her!"
He laughed softly before taking a sip of his coffee. Sitting on the table lay Connie's Bible, which was open to a page she had shown him only minutes before. She had used a yellow highlighter to mark the passage she wanted him to read. And underlined in pen as well, it read, Colossians 3:21 -
Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits.
Connie grabbed a cup out of the dish rack and poured herself some coffee before kissing Andrew on the cheek.
"Have I told you lately how much I love you?"
"I believe yes you have...but I'd love to hear it again." He smiled before she leaned over and kissed him, this time on
the lips.
"I love you," he said as their lips parted. "Oh so much. I want to be the one to call to set up the appointment...it's the least I can do for..." He paused in thought, absentmindedly stroking the brush of his own short hair.
"I owe him...her...what do we call our child?" He said as his eyes filled with tears once again.
"I believe her name is Anne Marie."
There's something more, oh goodness me
But what it is I guess it just remains to see
Our girl at last will be the girl that she will be!
based on Something There
words and music by
Alan Menken and Howard Ashman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ysRm_C56UM
Desperately Seeking Identity….
Later that week at the McKenna home
"Are you planning this party or am I going to wake up Saturday morning to find twelve screaming happy on-the-verge-of-womanhood females knocking on our door?" Kellan McKenna said in a soft brogue as he sipped his coffee.
"No, Daddy...we already sent out the invitations and we're going to have pizza and cake..." Maureen said
as she finished drying the last of dinner's dishes.
"You owe me for two chores now, Jim...how about laundry Saturday? We'll call it even and me and Col can get ready for the party, kay?" A voice called up from the basement.
"Sure thing. Archie will help with it, won't you Arch?" Jimmy walked into the kitchen and grabbed a mug out of the dish rack. Walking over to the coffee pot, he poured some into the mug and sat down. Black and hot...just like Dad.
"Fuck no...I did it last week!" Archie called from the stairwell as he emerged from the basement.
"Watch the tongue, Archie!" Kellan looked at his son and glared.
"Sorry, Papa Dukes!"
"We can get it done if we work together. I'll do some Friday night so we can be out of the house by the time the party starts." Jimmy smiled and Archie nodded reluctantly.
"Are those new girls going to be here...you know…the...." Kellan smiled.
"Italian Daddy...it's okay to say it. And ...no...They're busy." Maureen said, shooting a glare at Archie as if to say,
"Don't you dare!" He paid no heed and started in on the girls.
"Why don't you tell Dad about them? I bet he'd like to know about their family...them bein' the next block over. Maybe they could come over for dinner some time." Kellan had seen Dina and Annie only in passing as he dropped off some groceries one afternoon between jobs.
"They seem to be nice kids…not too talky. Are they shy?" He asked.
"Oh hell no...Once you get to know them...they're friendly...right Mo?" Archie's smile was almost diabolic, if a thirteen year old could be that mean.
"They're really shy, Daddy. Right, Col?" She looked over to her sister for help.
"Ah yeah....shy." She looked at Archie and cringed.
"Oh fuck this shit...Dad..They’re guys! They're in the girls' grade and they fucking wear dresses!" Mo dropped the mug she was holding and it shattered. Colleen looked at Archie and burst into tears before running to her room.
"Man, shut up." Jimmy said as he slapped the back of his brother's head.
"NO! You shut up. Dad...they're queer...fucking queer." Archie almost pled for his father to listen. An entirely unnecessary entreaty as Kellan calmly got up from the table. He walked over to Mo and kissed her forehead.
"Here, honey, let me get that. You go and see about your sister, okay?" He leaned over and calmly picked up the shards of mug and dropped them into the trash before sitting down once again. He took a sip of coffee and looked at Archie with a half smile.
"Now...listen closely, Arch, 'cause I'm not going to repeat myself, understand?" Any time Kellan McKenna used the word 'understand' with his children it was a time for listening and nodding and it certainly was never a time for dialogue. Archie nodded and Kellan continued.
"First...watch the tongue, okay?" He widened his eyes and Archie nodded quickly.
"Second...and this is the most important thing you'll hear from me today, okay?" Another nod.
"You will…and I say this with all the patience I can muster…never, ever use that tone or those words in this house again. You will go talk to your sisters after we are finished and apologize, do I make myself clear?" Archie's eyes widened and he nodded, this time with a nervous edge that had never before appeared on his face. The only phrase more feared in the McKenna household than "understand" was "Do I make myself clear?"
"Listen carefully, son. Your mother and I didn't raise you to be hateful or cruel. I don't know why you feel this way...maybe you've been hangin' around that friend of yours too long. You should be showin' him a thing or two and not the other way around, right?" Another anxious nod.
"You have an uncle…your favorite Uncle Paddy from what I recall." There really wasn't any recalling; the whole family idolized their late mother's only brother Paddy Kelleher.
"Well, it might surprise you to know that your Uncle Pat is one of those…how'd you put it??? Oh yes. Fucking Queer!" Archie's eyes grew wider and he cringed a bit. His father always seemed to grow bigger when he swore, which was extremely rare, since he only did it when he quoted his children before disciplining them.
"You'd best think about what you said about your own kin, boy! Paddy is one of my friends as well as your uncle, and I don't think it's fair or wise to be putting him to shame, do you? Well, do you?" A second question always invited an answer; actually it demanded an answer.
"NNNoo sir." Archie was going to add "but" and a qualifying phrase until he saw the glint in his father's eyes.
"NNno...no sir," he repeated. Good idea.
"Well. I want you to call up your uncle and tell him exactly what we just talked about. And I want you to apologize to him and his partner and anyone else he thinks of. Do I make myself clear?" A cringe followed by a quick nod.
"Well then...when the girls come back out you'd better be ready to apologize to them, okay?" Archie nodded and cringed again. Kellan leaned over and kissed his forehead.
"A father chastises those he loves, Arch. Okay?" Kellan smiled and Archie smiled back before getting up and retreating to the basement.
"Did you know about these boys?" Kellan asked Jimmy who just nodded. Kellan tilted his head slightly as if to say, 'and?"
"Yes... I was afraid that they might...well that the girls would be......that their friends would..." Jimmy struggled for words until his father spoke again.
"You were afraid that they would bring shame upon our house. I understand why, but you're wrong. I don't know them and maybe that's not such a good thing. I'll be speakin' with their parents for sure. But never worry about who someone is. Being that they're fellow humans created in the likeness of God and all, they're just like you, aren't they?" Jimmy looked away.
"Jimmy...what's up? I've never known you to be scared, even for anyone else?"
"I just don't want Mo and Col to get hurt, Pop." He shook his head.
"Well, that's something we can't control. We can protect our own as much as possible, but everyone eventually gets hurt, Jim...it's what we do afterwards that makes a difference. Don't worry about protecting your sisters; just keep lovin' em like you always have and everything will work out okay." He reached over and patted Jimmy on the shoulder.
"You and your brother do what you can, I'll do what I can and we'll leave the rest up to Him, okay?" Kellan smiled as he pointed upward.
"Okay."
Can it be, do you hear?
A new freedom song is ring-in'
No more doubt no more fear
There's a new day that is bringin'
The office of Dr. Kelly Callahan
Kelly Callahan sat back as the jazz played in the background. Brianna knocked on the doorframe.
"The Manganos are here for your two o'clock."
"Thanks, Brianna. Send them in." A moment later Andy and his parents sat on the couch opposite her chair. She had purposely moved the extra chair out so they would have to sit together. Andy sat in the middle, flanked by a tearful Connie on his left and a very anxious looking Andrew on his right.
“I’m going to talk with you about quite a few things today, okay? Kelly Callahan smiled at Andy who smiled back nervously.
“First, you and your parents and I will work together to figure some things out about you. I don’t want to say quickly, but we need to make some determinations soon since you’re already fifteen.
“Why is that, Doctor?” Andrew Mangano looked almost as nervous as his son.
“Because if what we already suspect is true about your child, Mr. Mangano, we’ll need to make some…adjustments. I’m not saying we will, but the sooner we determine your child’s true gender the sooner we’ll know what course of action to take.
“By course of action, what do you mean?” Andrew seemed to be impatient.
“As we look into Andy’s issues, we might determine that he’s not what we call gender dysphoric, but the course of action would still be to treat his depression and low self-esteem.” She paused and looked at Andy.
“Your insomnia and your cutting are something we will be discussing either way, Andy.” She smiled and he nodded nervously.
“Andy…you’re not here because you’re in trouble.” She leaned forward and looked back and forth between him and Colleen and Andrew, fixing her look on Andrew while saying ‘trouble.”
“But we’re also here to look at who you are and why you feel the way you do about yourself. Some boys experiment with dressing up in their mother’s or sister’s clothing. It’s not all that uncommon, and sometimes it carries on into adulthood, most times not.” Andrew leaned closer and spoke.
“But what if it’s not a phase?” He looked worried, and Colleen reached across Andy and grabbed her husband’s hand.
“What if it doesn’t go away?” Colleen almost pled.
“I can assure you that whatever the state of Andy’s gender, it’s not fatal.” She smiled and Andrew frowned.
“This isn’t funny, doctor. We raised a son to the age of fifteen and you may be telling us that he’s a crossdresser or worse.” He wrinkled his brow anxiously.
“There is nothing worse or better about where your son is at gender-wise, Mr. Mangano. There’s nothing wrong with him, no matter what we determine.” She smiled at Andy and patted his knee.
“Let’s think about what we already know. Okay?” Andy nodded.
“Your problem with sleep? I’d like to take him off the Ambien. Since he’s already stopped taking it on his own, there’s no need to wean him. But I don’t want to put him on any more medications; at least just yet, and perhaps not at all, okay?” Colleen and Andy nodded while Andrew looked away.
“When I worked in a children’s residential program, we had a lot of kids who were already like walking pharmacies. We found that Benadryl works just as good as a sleep aid, and it’s helpful obviously for Andy’s allergies anyway. So a kids’s dose will help. About waking? We’ll do a sleep study. I’ll prescribe that for him today and you can set up an appointment with the hospital.”
“A sleep study?” Andrew asked, less agitated and a bit warmer.
“Yes, they’ll observe him during his sleep and they’ll be doing an EEG to determine if there’s anything going on in the brain. My guess is that his problem is anxiety related, which should be no surprise to you. Either way, it’s just one of the things we’ll be looking at.” She smiled and received three smiles in return.
“And I’m taking him off the antidepressant for the time being…we’ll wean you off it a little at a time over a week. I want to get a baseline on how well you function without it. I’m surprised Dr. Anderson prescribed that one since one of its side effects is insomnia.” Andrew shook his head and spoke.
“Well, what can we do while he's not on the medication?” The worry in Andrew’s voice surprised Connie.
“We’ll be able to address that once we know exactly what your needs are, okay Andy?” He nodded and smiled. Kelly tried to include him as much as possible; his need for reinforcement was a concern of hers beyond the gender issues.
“What about the sex thing?” Colleen said, turning red as soon as she said it.
“The gender issue is part and parcel with Andy’s depression. As we clarify what his needs are regarding his gender the other issues will likely sort themselves out. We already know that much of his anxiety and depression is directly related to his gender issues. What Andy needs from all of us at this time is support and encouragement; that he is okay no matter what we find out. Do you understand?” She looked at all of them but her focus was on Andrew.
“Mr. Mangano…I want to assure you of some things. First, I can see that you folks are doing a great job of parenting with Andy.” Andy looked at Andrew and smiled, which was returned with a shrug, as if he were telling Andy he didn’t agree.
“Dad…I know you want to fix this, but I don’t need to be fixed.” He shook his head and Andrew went to interrupt him but Andy continued quickly.
“But you have to know I know you love me. I know that everything you’ve done is because you wanted to…you wanted to make sure I was okay. I’m okay, Dad, really.” Andy grabbed Andrew’s arm.
“But you have to know that I’m not Andy…as much as I want to be, Dad, I’m not. I can’t be him for you.” He turned to Colleen.
“You both have to let me go.” Colleen put her hand to her mouth to stifle a sob.
“You think I’m this way because you did something wrong. Dad…Daddy…Mom…I’m this way because you did it all right. I’m supposed to be this way. Annie is who I am, Mom.” Colleen looked at Andrew who had tears in his eyes.
“You don’t know how many times I wanted you to hug me when I was upset…that you could know how…”
“Andy…I’m…sssorry….I just wanted the best for you. You know that, don’t you?” Andrew turned away, almost anticipating that his child would reject him.”
“Daddy…Dad??? I know you meant well…I know…” A choked sob.
“I know you and Mom love me…but you need to love me…not who you want me to be..Not who you think I am. My cutting…my gaming? That’s part of who I am.” Colleen went to hug him but Kelly cautioned her with an outstretched hand.
“Dad? Andy left a long time ago…I don’t even know if he ever was here…but I’m here now and I need you to love me…Annie…your…Daddy please…please..Don’t turn away.” A hand on his arm reminded Andrew just why he was there; he wanted to do right by his child. He wanted to make that connection; why care otherwise? He turned and saw his daughter for the first time. She wore a rust colored sweatshirt and a crew cut, but she sat there as pretty as he could have imagined. A funeral that was bitter sweet and a christening that was glorious taking place at the same time.
“Oh God…Andy…Aaaa…Annie, I’m so sorry. I do love you. Please forgive me.” Andrew drew his daughter to himself, hugging her for the very first time, as it were while saying goodbye for the last time to his son. Colleen leaned over and joined the hug as Kelly Callahan sat back, tears filling her own eyes as she appreciated once again one of the wonderful things that gave purpose to her life.
Can it be, do you hear?
A new freedom song is ring-in'
No more doubt no more fear
There's a new day that is bringin'
Something simple is the Key
Only Love will set us free
It's so far, it's so near
Almost close, almost here.
Love Theme from Spartacus
words and music by
Terry Callier and Alex North
as performed by Akiko
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_vAwKnFlQk&feature=related
No One Preaches Like Pastore!
A Musical Interlude
It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was going to be okay.
Pastor Pastore:
Who do they think they are?
Those freaks have tangled with the wrong man!
Elder Buffone:
Yep
Pastor Pastore:
No one comes into my church dressed like that
Shameful, Shocking
A public disgrace. Never in my life...
Buffone:
Are you alright?
Pastor Pastore:
What? No...It’s a slap in my face!
Buffone:
Who, you? Never! Pastor...you've got to do something.
Gosh it disturbs me to see you this way
Looking discouraged and sad
It never should ever have gotten this far
Having to stop something so bad!
There's no man on earth who's as learned as you
There’s no one to equal your ken
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
You inspire much less learned men
No one preaches like you
No one teaches like you
Not a single one reaches the heights that you do
There's no one who is quite as pious
So perfect in ev-e-ry way
You speak to those people that try us
Those sinners that plague all of us ev’ry day
Buffone and Choir:
No one knows what you've seen
No’s been where you've been
Buffone:
No one points out just how awful when sinners sin
As a preacher you’re more than righteous!
Buffone and Choir:
Oh what a man our pastor!
Hal-le-lu-YAH
A-men, a-MEN
Buffone:
He'll take up the fight
Our pastor’s alright!
Choir:
No one shows us what’s true
No one does what you do!
Buffone:
No one wrestles with demons and angels like you!
Choir:
There's no one who's quite charismatic
Pastor Pastore:
As you see I've charisma to spare
Buffone:
No one living is quite empathetic
Pastor Pastore:
That's right!
I'm really the only one who'll really care!
Choir:
No one feeds us like you
Meets our needs like you do
Buffone:
No one comes close to being a savior like you.
Pastor Pastore:
I'm especially good at pontificating
Ha!
Choir:
Praises galore for Pastore!
Pastor Pastore:
While in seminary I preached night and day
My biblical know-el-edge grew
And now that you've placed me in charge of your lives
I know best what's best for-ore you!
Choir:
Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a mentor you are
You're preacher you are
Such a teacher you are
Buffone:
You're the number one sinner impeacher by far!
Pastor Pastore:
There's no one as expert at condemnation.
Choir:
We need nothing more!
Pastore!
~ // ~
“Noooo!” Annie screamed, sitting bolt upright in bed. Connie walked into the bedroom and went to Annie’s side.
“Honey…what’s wrong? Another nightmare?” Annie nodded as her father walked into the room.
"Something’s going to happen Mom...something bad."
"No, honey..it's just a nightmare."
Annie looked at her dad, whose expression was anything but pleased. He struggled with the fact that he no longer had a son but a daughter. Nodding in the doctor’s office was one thing. Setting aside fifteen years of dreams and hopes was something entirely different. Nevertheless he was determined to walk out his decision. No matter how he felt, he would love and accept his daughter, hoping the feelings would follow.
“Here….Andy...Annie, let me?” He pulled his daughter in for a comforting hug, receiving almost as much encouragement from her as she from him as they awkwardly embraced. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was going to be okay.
Colleen and Dina had just come out of the AMC Theater and were walking across the dark parking lot when a figure stepped in front of them.
“Well, if it isn’t the little fag?” Danny Carlin stood between Dina and Colleen and the car.”
“Go away, Danny…just go home, okay?” Colleen pled, holding her hands out.
“No…Me and the girly boy here have a score to settle. I heard about fucking freaks like you in church!” Danny seethed. He stepped toward Dina but Colleen stepped in between them.
“See…he can’t even fight a fight for himself. What a friggin’ fairy.” Danny went to push Colleen out of the way and she lost her balance and fell to the side walk, hitting her head on the pavement. Dina stepped closer to help Colleen and
Danny reacted.
“Oh you want some of this?” Without waiting he punched Dina in the face, knocking her to the ground. He laughed and pointed until he noticed that neither girl moved. Danny looked down and saw blood coming from Dina’s nose. Colleen moaned and Danny panicked.
“Oh, fuck…shit shit….fuck…..” He danced around the two holding his hands in the air as if to plead for forgiveness. He looked at Colleen who was holding the back of her head and crying. Danny leaned over and cried.
“Colleen…I’m sorry…I’m sorry. Oh Christ I’m sorry.” Danny knelt over the two girls. Colleen had sat up but Dina hadn’t stirred. Danny stood up in a panic. He turned and came face to face with Ben Colavito and ….Jimmy McKenna.
“Fuck…Jimmy…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…I didn’t mean to.” He turned and tripped over Dina before running down the block and around the corner.
“Shit…Ben…Call 911.” Jimmy said, tossing his cell to his friend. He got down on the ground and cradled Colleen in his arms.
“Col…Colleen…???” She looked into his eyes and muttered something before turning and facing Dina’s body.
“NOOOO…noooooo…..Jimmmmy…Dina…Dina!!!!” Colleen screamed. Ben leaned over Dina and turned to Jimmy.
“She’s breathing, but she’s out cold. Must have hit her head. The ambulance is on its way.” Colleen struggled to stand up.
“Sit down, Col. Don’t try to get up.” Jimmy held his sister in his arms and rocked her gently. She had calmed down and was sobbing softly into his chest.”
“It’s okay, honey…it’s gonna be okay.” Jimmy said, trying to convince himself as much as his sister.
The loud noise of the siren of the approaching ambulance did nothing to drown out Colleen’s sobs, but Jimmy hoped that it would be loud enough that Ben didn’t notice that Jimmy was sobbing too. He'd tried to be strong, but it was no use. He had taken every precaution for Colleen, but something bad happened anyway, despite his father's encouragement. What about his own life; his own secret? He tilted his head against Colleen’s and wept as he looked back and forth between Dina’s prostrate form and Ben Colavito, feeling closer to his friend Dina and hopelessly like a hypocrite and hoping that nothing like this would ever happen to him.
For the second time in a month, Marie Mangano stood in the waiting room of the Emergency Room at Mercy Hospital. And for as many times as well, a very sympathetic Persis Javit stood with her.
“She’s going to be alright. The punch just missed breaking her eye socket. She’ll have a huge bruise there for a while and her nose broken. She hit the back of her head and she’s got a concussion. We’ve moved her upstairs and you can go up
after we’re finished here.”
“Mom? Mom….” Jack put his hand on his mother’s arm and spoke softly.
“Dad’s on his way from work and Tommy is getting a ride from one of the kids on the track team. I’ll wait down here and we’ll meet you upstairs. It’s going to be okay, Mom…right?” Jack pled as his eyes filled with tears. She turned to face him and hugged him. Her embrace gave him the safety and permission to finally feel, now that the adrenaline rush had subsided. He sobbed in her arms.
“Mommy…it’s my fault. Danny was talking about her in the cafeteria the other day and bragging. I should have said something but…I …..”
“You didn’t think she was serious.” Pete Mangano had just walked into the waiting area and was standing behind his son.
“Jackie…neither did I…I didn’t want to think about it…I didn’t want to lose my boy…I was wrong…Your mom has been right all along…If anyone bears any blame it’s me. I’m her fa…a father.” Pete broke down and Marie hugged him, kissing his cheeks.
“We’re going to get through this. It is going to be okay.” In the midst of the pain and anger and guilt and sadness, Marie’s resolve broke through, energizing her family.
“Let’s go see our little girl!” She said as she wiped her face with her sleeve.
“How…how is she doing?” Jimmy and Colleen stood in the 2nd floor waiting room with Pete.
“She’s got a concussion and her face is very bruised and she’s got a broken nose. Who could do something like this?” Pete’s eyes were teary, but he maintained control.
“One of the kids in the neighborhood…he got it into his head that he was Colleen’s boyfriend…..”
“There’s something else…what is it…tell me, boy.” Pete wasn’t trying to be rude, but he was angry and scared and afraid.
“Mmmm.mmister Mangano?” Colleen put her hand on his arm.
“Tthhee…theres…sssome…something I have to tttelllyou.” She sobbed softly, trying to regain enough composure to continue. Jimmy put his arm around her and shushed her.
“It’s okay, Col…I’ll tell him, okay?” She nodded and he walked her to a chair where she sat down next to her brother Archie and her sister Maureen. Kellan McKenna was on his way from his job.
“There’s a guy in town…some church pastor has been preaching…against kids like Dina and your nephew. Col said that Danny said something about hearing it in church….freaks….fuck…oh sorry.”
Peter McKenna nodded and shook his head before uttering his own epithet.
“Sonofabitch!”
based on Gaston
from the movie, Beauty and the Beast
words and music by
Alan Menken and Howard Ashman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhG9hKiplfQ
Beauty and The Freak!
Do they even make something for me? Something to fix someone who is...a freak?
Annie's home, the next day
"Mom..." Annie looked up from her book as her mother entered the living room.
"Yes, honey?"
"I'd like to go to the hospital to visit Dina." She wasn't asking permission so much as asking for dispensation.
"Andy!" Annie shook her head and frowned.
"Mom...please."
"I'm sorry...it's taking a bit getting used to." She shook her own head as if to chastise herself.
"I know...Mom....what do you think...How do you feel? I mean...I know Dad is trying...and I know he's having a hard time. But what do you think?" Annie sighed as tears filled her eyes. She could handle her father's rejection... not rejection, but her father's need to hold onto the past. But what if Connie failed to support her as well? It was already taking its toll; she had been losing weight and was now plagued with migraines over the stress.
"Honey...I love you...you know that, don't you?" Connie sat down next to Annie on the couch and kissed her on the cheek, causing Annie to pull away.
"I know...but who do you love, Mom? Which one of us do you prefer? She stood up and walked into the kitchen. Connie heard the water running and several minutes later she saw why. Annie stood in front of her. She had scrubbed off all of her makeup and her face was unadorned.
"Do you prefer Andy? Am I so repulsive as a daughter? Would you rather have a son? Am I a mistake, Mom?" Annie shook her head and sat back down next to Connie. She looked into her mother's eyes and whispered.
"It's okay if you hate me; Mom...everybody else does...even Dad. I won't mind... Really." She began to weep and Connie grabbed her. She tried to pull away but Connie refused to let go and pulled her closer.
"I love you...every part of you. I don't hate you and you're not a mistake. I'm so sorry I haven't shown you how much I care...I've been so confused, honey...." She went to continue but Annie cut her off.
"I am a mistake...one big mistake that needs to be fixed. Do they even make something for me? Something to fix someone who is...a freak?" Annie sobbed and once again tried to pull away.
"Andy....Annie...listen to me..." She pleaded. Her daughter was so overwhelmed with grief that she continued to weep, but at least now she was weeping in her mother's arms. Connie let her cry it out. When the weeping had subsided, Connie spoke softly, not a whisper, but a gentle voice that beckoned Annie's attention.
"Honey...I have something to show you. I'm sorry it came to this, but then again I'm glad. I've been trying to think of how to show you how I feel, and this is the only way." As she spoke she began to unbutton her blouse. She pulled it open, baring her chest.
"Annie...Annie, honey look at me." Connie once again spoke softly. Annie rubbed the tears out of her eyes with her sleeve and looked at her mother.
"When I was born...I had a problem." Connie continued to speak as she took off her blouse. She began to unfasten her bra. Annie went to turn away, her face growing red.
"Mom...what...." Connie reached over and tugged at Annie's chin, bringing her attention back.
"I was born with a hole in my heart. When I was little they didn't do the surgery before birth like they do now, so this is what I was left with." She pointed to a very thin scar about six inches long between her breasts.
"It's okay, honey. We're both girls...look at me." Annie turned and saw the scar. It was almost delicate; faded and nearly impossible to see after 42 year. And the phrase? “We’re both girls?”
"My mother was in prayer over me at the hospital. A couple from her church came into visit. She explained what the surgeons were planning on doing and they told her that it was God's will that I was born the way I was...that I was supposed to have a bad heart." Annie blinked out some tears and shook her head.
"But...but if you didn't get the surgery? You...you would have died? Mom...I don't understand." Annie shook her head.
"They meant well, but they were wrong. They thought they knew but they were wrong. Like the man that was born blind in the Bible...?"
"He...he was born so that he could be healed......so that God would get the glory? I don't understand. How does that fit in with you, Mom?"
"Not just with me, honey. I was born with a hole in my heart so that when the doctors fixed that it would be okay...I was supposed to be helped by the doctors to fix something that wasn't right so that I'd be okay…it was just the way it was supposed to be. And here I am...safe and alive because someone cared, honey. Someone cared enough to help me, do you see?" She bit her lip and tilted her head, hoping that Annie understood.
"Honey...Dr. Callahan and Dr. Straglinos and Dr. Mellencamp all care enough to help you...I finally understand because of what a nice doctor in Oregon helped me and my mother with 42 years ago." She tilted her head as her eyebrows raised slightly in question.
"Mmmmom....are you saying that my body is like your heart?"
Annie's tone was almost fearful; as if she were afraid she had misunderstood. Connie nodded and smiled as tears streamed down her cheeks. No words...just eye to eye understanding as she pulled her daughter in for a welcoming embrace.
Later that day at the hospital
"Hey sleepyhead...How are you?" Dina looked over and saw Colleen sitting in the chair next to the bed.
"Your mom says you can go home tomorrow." Colleen tried to sound upbeat but her face said otherwise.
"Hheehhh....hey...I..I'm okay...rrreallly." Dina stammered. She noticed the tears in Colleen's eyes.
"Nnnooo...no crying...ooookay?"
"Oh honey...I was so worried about you. I...I...thought..." She leaned over and rested her head on Dina's pillow and began to sob softly. Dina reached out and stroked Colleen's hair and said softly.
"It's okay....I'm...okay." The swelling in her face had gone down only a bit and the bruise had turned several shades of purple.
"But what if he had...I couldn't ....oh Dina...." Even if it was a bit loud for the headache she had, Colleen's voice was music to Dina's ears. Besides her mother and her cousin Annie, only Colleen ever called her Dina.
"I know I'm...I'm....but...." She tried to say the words, so foreign and premature perhaps for a nearly sixteen year old, but still how she felt.
"Mmmmeee...ttttoooo." Colleen said as she drew strength from the soft caress of Dina's hand on her forehead. One girl in pain from the heartache of near loss, the other wracked with the pain of doubt and guilt and shame that she had thrust upon her by a cruel act of misplaced zeal.
"Col? What's my name?" Dina bit her tongue. She wondered if she had been play-acting all that time; was she deluded and just being a stupid geeky boy in a dress. Was she a fool? And what did Colleen really think of the person next to her?
"Mmmm Mangano... di Napoli...diii ddid I get that rrright?" Colleen turned her head and wiped her face with her sleeve; smiling at Dina.
"No...What’s my first name? Who am I?" She put her head on the pillow next to Colleen and began to weep.
"No...No...don't cry...why are you crying?" Colleen didn't follow what Dina was trying to say because it really never had been an issue with her.
"Ammm amm I Dina? Who am I? O god....it hurts....so bad" By now the girl was sobbing.
"Oh honey....of course you are...who else would you be?" Colleen still didn't understand.
"Am I...it's my fault you got hurt...I can't do this anymore...it's not fair." It dawned on Colleen and she thought for a moment. She wanted to say something but didn't have the words, so she showed Dina instead. She sat up and pulled closer to Dina. Holding her face in her hands, she kissed Dina. Not amorously or passionately, but with a kind of acceptance and blessing between them. Rather than subside, Dina's sobbing grew stronger; almost cleansing.
After about a half hour later, Pete and Marie came into Dina's room to find the two fast asleep on the bed. It was good, since the whole family needed some peace and quiet. A half an hour after that, the nurse came in to find Pete and Marie cuddled in the next bed. She looked into see Dina and Colleen before turning the light off and closing the door.
~//~
Dina:
(Annie)
I shouldn't be
there's something wrong
there's something in me where I feel I don't belong
It's all my fault
You must agree
That you'd be better off with someone besides me!
Colleen:
(Connie)
Oh no you don't
not someone new
My life would end if I had to live it without you
You bless my life
in every way
your life delights me honey, each and every day
Dina:
(Annie)
Oh, just to be accepted
as the girl I always hoped I’d be
I should have just expected
since you've always given all your love and care to me
Dina:
(Annie)
You bless my heart.
Colleen:
(Connie)
You bless my heart!
Dina:
(Annie)
I should have known?
Colleen:
(Connie)
Well yes indeed?
Dina:
(Annie)
Since everything just says to me our love has grown?
Colleen:
(Connie)
Now you belong
Dina:
(Annie)
Now I belong
All:
My precious dove
Colleen
Dear Dina you're the girl that I have come to love
(Connie)
(Come to love)
Dina:
(Annie)
My dearest you're the one that I have come to love
Colleen:
(Connie)
(we’ve come to love)
All:
You bless my life with your acceptance and your love.
music based on Something There
from the movie Beauty and the Beast
words and music by
Alan Menken and Howard Ashman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ysRm_C56UM
Say a Prayer
A Musical Interruption
He tried to reassure her even as he was trying desperately to forget the nightmare that filled him with his own private fear
Early morning hours at the McKenna home
Jimmy lay on his bed, tossing and turning in a fitful sleep plagued by unrestful nightmares. At about three in the morning he finally fell into a deep sleep as a tune played in his head, as he seemed to be surrounded by family and friends……even his late mother Moira Agnes Kelleher McKenna?
Dina:
My dear James, it is with great honor and greater pleasure that we welcome you this night.
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a chair as we, your dreams and wishes proudly present …
Your gender!
Be a girl, be a girl
Now your psyche's in a whirl
Sit right back we'll do our magic
And your gender we'll unfurl
Have a care
And enjoy
That you're really not a boy
There is nothing
That's much finer
But to have a nice vagina
And some breasts, SRS
Pretty soon you'll wear a dress
With a body that's the envy of the rest!
Embrace your sweet ambition
Take hold of your transition
Be a girl
Be a girl
Be a girl
Be a femme
Be a femme
With a nice above-knee hem
Tee hee hee; one two three
You'll look wonderful
You'll see
Don't be frightened
Don't be scared
You've been never more prepared
You could never be more ready
To wear a cami or a teddy
It's okay
Hip hooray
You've been waiting for this day
Brand new life for you
A bright and wondrous world
Time to release the past
Embrace your gender at last
Be a girl
Be a girl
Be a girl
Annie:
Take a whirl
Turn around and take a twirl
Colleen and Maureen:
Be a girl be a girl be a girl
Life's so insecure
For a girl who's not so sure
She's not whole if she is left the same old way
Ah, those long sad days seem so oppressive
And hopelessness grows bigger every day
Years and years of sadness
Overwhelmed with guilty madness
Not a man and yet denied to be a girl
Every day feeling tired and discouraged
When you fine'ly realize
Life's one wonderful surprise
Annie:
Sacre Bleu, O Mon Dieu
There's none girlier than you
I confess that you're blessed
With a gender that is true!
Not a he but now a she
She's so precious goodness me
Now her cups are overflowing
Into womanhood she's growing
Excuse me, hon; Ahem?
Did you know that you're a femme?
Welcome to this bright and marvelous new world!
Mom and Dad
We're glad you're not a boy!
Mom:
We hope this brings you joy!
At last a girl!
Dad:
She's a girl!
Mom:
She's a girl!
Dad and Mom:
She's a girl!
What a girl! Such a girl! She's a girl!
Dina and Annie:
You're a girl, you're a girl!
Now your life is truely blessed
After years of sad oppressiveness
Your dreams have now come true
You're the girl you wished you'd be
At last finally you're free
It's a blessed transformation
You're a gem; our declaration!
Hour by hour day by day
Changed in each and every way
Can't believe that you'd be blessed with so much joy
No long just ambition
But finally transition
You're a girl!
You're a ....girl?
You're a ....girl?
Archie:
You're a boy...still a boy...just a BOY!
“Noooooo!”
Jimmy sat up in bed. The sun was just coming through his window when he heard a knock at the door. He was glad that Archie still slept, not wanting his little brother to see his tear-stained face. He wiped his nose with his pajama sleeve and went to the door.
“Jim?” Colleen almost pled.
“Col? Col…it’s not even six yet…what’s wrong?”
“I…need to talk with you…I didn’t sleep all night…I had a nightmare.” She cried. He opened the door and noticed that her eyes were probably as red as his.
“Just a sec. He grabbed his moccasins and put them on before stepping into the hallway.
“Come on…Dad’s sleeping in today…I’ll make some coffee, kay?” He kissed his sister on the forehead and they walked downstairs.
“What’s up?” He poured her a cup of coffee and got the half-and-half out of the fridge for her. Grabbing his own mug he sat down at the table next to her and touched her arm softly.
“I had a nightmare,” she repeated as tears came to her eyes.
“Okay, sis…you’ve had nightmares before…we all have,” he said even as he remembered his own fitful sleep. “But I’ve never seen you cry. What’s.....are you okay?” He noticed that she stared at him, her face filled with concern.
“The nightmare…it was horrible…Jimmy…they killed her.” She began to weep softly even as the memory became new and real once again.
“Who, Col...Who did they kill?” He couldn’t remember a time when he saw his sister this sad and scared.
“Dina…they killed Dina.” She grabbed his arm and shuddered, as if fear had electrified her body.
“Col…it’s a dream...just a dream.” He tried to reassure her even as he was trying desperately to forget the nightmare that filled him with his own private fear.
“No…you don’t understand…it wasn’t just her….it wasn’t just her…they...killed….you!” She broke down and began to sob. Jimmy looked down the hall wondering if his father had heard the crying.
“What do you mean me...who killed me, hon? What are you talking about?” He shook his head.
“I don’t know who they are…but they killed Dina…she was lying in a field…cold and white. She looked sad and scared, Jimmy…like she was all…alone…I should have been there! I should have stopped it.”
“Honey...it’s only a dream…a nightmare…it didn’t happen, Col...It’s not real!”
“But it felt so cold…so sad…Dina was there…I saw her….and…” She began to sob again. Jimmy leaned closer and put his hand on her back, rubbing her neck and shoulders.
“Jim…what’s going on…I heard some crying.” Jimmy turned and saw his father standing in the doorway, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“Col had a nightmare…a bad one.” His look pled for help and Kellan nodded. He walked over and hugged his daughter.
“Daddy…it was horrible…they killed Dina…and Jimmy!” She wept and Kellan just hugged her and hummed a lullabye in her ear softly.
“Daddy…Mommy was there…so Dina had to be…and Jimmy, too…Mommy was sad and happy at the same time, Daddy. Why?” Kellan thought for a moment before speaking.
“I suppose she was sad if they got killed…and happy because they were in heaven? I don’t know, but it sounds like it scared you a lot, honey.” He sat down and squeezed her hand. Jimmy got up and poured Kellan a cup before sitting back down.
“Daddy…it was so scary…like it was real…and it was so strange.” Colleen wiped her face with her robe.
“Dina was lying in the field…I kissed her …like it was the last time…” She sniffled and Jimmy grabbed her other hand.
“But then…her face changed…she was still lying there, but her face changed…” She turned and looked at her brother and her expression turned almost to horror as the moment played out in her mind.
“Th..hhhh...then she wasn’t Dina any more. Mommy was standing with her arms around Dina…and I looked down….it was Jimmy…but….” She bit her lip, almost in embarrassment. Kellan squeezed her hand.
“It’s okay, honey...go on.” She took strength from his smile and continued.
“IIIHHH…It was a girl…Jimmy…but not Jimmy…like he wasn’t a boy anymore!” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled, almost as an apology. Jimmy noticed his face growing warmer.
“But it’s a dream, Col…just a dream.” He tried not to be dismissive, and he certainly didn’t want to draw attention to himself, but he did.
“Why so nervous, Jim…you said it yourself…It’s only a dream, right?” Kellan smiled warmly at his son.
“Right…just a dream.” He would have continued but he felt a hand pat his back.
“Morning!” Maureen stood behind him and hugged her favorite sib. She walked around and kissed the top of Coleen’s head before kissing her father on the cheek. She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table next to Kellan.
“What’s all the racket? Colleen? Were you crying last night?” She leaned closer and looked in her sister’s eyes.
“I…I had a nightmare.” Colleen stammered.
“Another nightmare?” Archie walked into the kitchen and poured himself the last of the coffee before pulling up a chair.
“I had one, too. I dreamed that I was sleeping in on a Saturday morning and everyone woke me up.” He laughed at his clever joke until he saw his father’s glare. Shrugging his shoulders he offered,
“Sorry.”
“Your sister has had a very difficult night. She had a nightmare where she saw her girlfriend and her brother killed.”
“My sister!” Colleen insisted. Maureen cringed until Colleen grabbed Jimmy’s arm.
“What the fuck?” Archie said. Kellan nodded once and Maureen took her permission and slapped the back of Archie’s head.
“Sorry!!”
“What are you talking about?” Jimmy said nervously. His nightmare and her nightmare were coming close to converging, and his face grew even warmer.
“What she’s saying, Jimmy lad. Is that she thinks the dream means something about you.” Kellan said this matter-of-factly, smiling at his son.
“Why would she have a dream like that, Daddy?” Maureen asked softly, followed by,
“Yeah, why the f…why would she have a dream like that?” Archie cringed waiting for the slap that never came.
“I suppose we should ask the girl…she’s sitting right here, after all, aye?” Kellan seemed to grow closer to his Irish roots when he was waxing lyrical. Over to the States at fifteen, his accent never waned even after 27 years.
“I think….I think….” She turned to Jimmy and shrugged apologetically once again and said,
“I think Jimmy wants…..” She barely had gotten it out when Archie blurted out.
“Jimmy wants to be a fucking girl!” A slap he didn’t expect hit him in the back of his head knocking his cap off.
“Sooorrrreeee!” He turned and shrugged at Jimmy who just stared at his father, who stared back, but with a warm smile on his face.
“And would someone tell me what would be so wrong about that?” Kellan looked around the table. Maureen smiled and nodded. Archie looked away while holding his cap on his head. Colleen looked at Jimmy as if to apologize for breaking a confidence she had never learned. And Jimmy sat and stared at his father, who nodded and smiled.
“Well there…that settles that. Now, Archie, would you mind getting some eggs and sausage out of the fridge? I feel like making some breakfast. Oh and mind you, you might all say a prayer for Dina and for your brother here. I have a feeling they're going to need all the help they can get."
Archie laughed loudly until his cap went flying. Maureen and Colleen both leaned close to Jimmy and smiled.
"It's okay!" Colleen said squeezing his hand while Maureen asked softly,
"What's her name?"
"MMM...Moira." Jimmy said as he began to weep.
based on Be Our Guest!
from the movie Beauty and the Beast
words and music by
Alan Menken and Howard Ashman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KE6L7ID1kS4
"I am Anne Marie Mangano"
A Musical Interpretation
We’re here and we’re going to see this thing through, come what may, aye?
Annie Mangano's home at about Four AM
Annie lay in her bed; rather she tossed and turned while just beneath her consciousness she wept softly as the scene played out in a nightmare that felt it would never end....
Maureen:
She’s not a freak!
Voices!
A Sinner!
Kellan:
No! She’s not! No more than any of us!
Woman:
Is it dangerous?
Maureen:
Oh, no. No, she'd never hurt anyone. (nearly weeping)
I know she looks different, but he's really very gentle and kind.
She's my girlfriend.
Rev. Pastore:
If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster.
Maureen:
She's not a monster, Pastor. You are!
Rev. Pastore:
She's as sinful as HE is!
She says this creature is her friend.
Well, I've read about these kinds of things
And I know what can happen if you don’t stop them!
They’ll corrupt our children.
Voices:
(gasp)
Rev. Pastore:
He'll turn them against you…make them like …HIM!
Maureen:
Oh, no! She would never!
Rev. Pastore:
Forget them…I say…kick him out!
Voices:
Make him leave!
Man 1:
We're not safe until he's gone!
Man 2:
He's been amongst us all this while!
Woman:
Set to turn our precious children to his sickening lifestyle!
Man 3:
He'll pervert our congregation if we let him wander free
Rev. Pastore:
So it's time to take some action, church. It's time to follow me
Crowd:
Through the mist of our minds
Through the shadows and the darkness
Inner bias sends us on this righteous ride
Say a prayer for our children
we’re convinced that we are holy
But it’s really that the hate that dwells inside!
He’s a freak, sick’ning freak
He is evil
We’re not safe ‘til he’s gone from this place
He is evil, to be sure!
But we’ll never be secure ‘til he’s gone!
Good and gone!
A disgrace!
Maureen:
I won't let you do this!
Rev. Pastore:
It’s not up to you!
Maureen:
Daddy! This is all my fault. I have to make this right.
Kellan:
I'm with you, darlin’
Maureen: :
Oh, Daddy!
Andrew and Connie:
We nearly lost her once, we won't lose her again!
Maureen:
Altogether? Yes!
Annie woke up with a start and looked at the clock. 5:27 AM...almost time.
Grace and Peace Fellowship the following day
The vans pulled into the parking lot. Three families got out and made their way to the entrance of the church. All of the members were dressed in their Sunday best. As they entered the church they noticed the folks at the front, several of whom were shaking hands in greeting. A nice woman approached the group.
“Good Morning. Welcome to Grace and Peace Fellowship.” She smiled and pointed to a table at the side.
“We have information about our services and support groups. I hope you find your time here this morning fulfilling.” She smiled once again and went forward to greet a couple with a baby.
“Well, folks, here goes nothin’” Kellan grinned and pointed to the door to the sanctuary. The group made its way down the aisle. Arriving early made things a little easier as they found seats down front, filling an entire row.
“Don’t worry,” Kellan said as he turned to the girls on either side of him.
“We’re here and we’re going to see this thing through, come what may, aye?” He smiled as the girl on his left looked around nervously.
“I’m with you, okay?” The tall girl sitting behind the pair put her hands on both their shoulders.
“It’s a beautiful day; our families are all here, and you’re not alone.” She cringed a bit but her resolve almost glue her to her seat in spite of the fact that she felt like running away. An up-tempo song started to play on the overhead speakers, and Kellan noticed that a band was walking onto the platform. The music overhead faded, but was quickly replaced as a man looking to be in his mid twenties spoke.
“Won’t you join us as we worship the Lord. “ He turned and nodded and the guitar and bass began playing.
“Come let us offer a sacrifice of praise...the fruit of our lips giving thanks,” the young man sang as the congregation rose and began to sing. The tall girl stood and tapped Kellan on the shoulder, pointing to a screen back and above the band, which featured the words to the song. Soon the new group joined in, feeling at least for the moment somewhat welcome and less apprehensive.
After several songs the leader smiled and spoke.
“Isn’t it good to be in the company of people who love and care? You may be seated.”
After a few announcements a tall handsome man in his forties stood up and walked up the steps of the platform and stepped behind the podium. He smiled and looked down at the podium and then spoke, raising his head and looking over the crowd of people.
“For the wages of sin is death….” Archie turned to Maureen and whispered,
“Hey...I haven’t gotten paid,” evoking a sharp elbow in the ribs by Colleen, who sat on his other side.
The pastor went on to explain how needful it was to lead a dedicated life, “holy and acceptable to God,” he quoted. Several of the parishioners nodded and an amen or two emanated from the congregation. After about twenty minutes and three points about service and sacrifice, he concluded by offering a prayer.
As he concluded a younger man walked up to him before he was about to turn the service back to the worship leader. He leaned closer to the pastor and spoke in his ear. The pastor’s expression turned from shock to anger and then to an almost smug visage as he stood and walked back to the podium. He took the microphone and stepped out from behind the podium and began to speak.
“This is a church that prides itself in following the precepts of the Bible. While we welcome all who choose to worship here, we will brook no folly or insult to this church or God. I have been informed that there are two boys sitting in the midst of us, flaunting their sinful life-style. It saddens me to say this, as we do want all to be reconciled to God, but it must be on His terms, and not ours.”
His voice trailed off as he seemed to look over the crowd, seeking the “offenders.”
“We will have no sin tainting the house of the Lord. If you stand and admit your sin, you can receive forgiveness and reconciliation, but you have no place here if you continue to remain in your foolish pride and behavior.”
Again he paused. Looking around he failed to pick out anyone of note, and seemed to grow impatient. In what became almost a ‘reverse’ altar-call, he spoke again.
“Stand up and be forgiven or leave this place! Come now…you can be reconciled to God if you abandon your folly.” He smiled at the turn of his phrase. He was a good communicator and several of the folks in the congregation shouted,
“Folly!”
He smiled and looked again. He seemed to look disappointed, and he shook his head, as if to let things go when a lone figure stood up and walked to the aisle.
“Good…I can see that you’ve seen the light.”
He smiled again, feeling confident. The girl stepped up to the end of the seats and stood in front of the platform.
“What is your name, young man?”
“My…my” She stammered as tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Come, now…confess your sin and be forgiven.” The pastor said softly, almost like a forgiving father.
“My….my….”
Once again she was unable to speak. Slowly, a man in his forties stepped into the aisle. Walking nervously up the aisle, he joined the girl and put his arm on her shoulder.
“Her…Her name is Anne….Anne Marie Mangano…and I am her father.” Andrew stammered, tears in his own eyes. The pastor frowned and spoke.
“You sir, are a fool, and you have a fool for a child. This is no girl, but a boy, and you have enabled him to insult this church! What is your name, boy?” He said it with a bitter tone in his voice.
“Her name is Anne!” Connie stood up, nearly shouting from where she stood.
“Madam…this is the house of God, and I would remind you that it is folly that you bring here today! This is a time of confession.” He shook his head, and all evidence of the paternal friend disappeared in an angry scowl.
“Confession!” A man in the back of the church yelled, soon to be followed by echoes of the same word from throughout the sanctuary.
“Confession!”
“Confession!”
Kellan looked around and he became angry…not a righteous or pious anger, but the anger of a parent who had seen enough.
“If it’s confession he wants, I’ll be happy to confess, aye?” He said to the family before standing and speaking slowly and surely as any time he had ever breathed a word.
“I am Anne Marie Mangano.” He smiled and stood, not smug but relieved to have spoken.
“This is utter foolishness! Sit down!” The pastor grew red until he noticed another figure stand up.
“I am Anne Marie Mangano.” Pete Mangano was somewhat red from embarrassment, but his worry was not as important as the love for his niece. He was soon joined by Dina and Marie. Jack and Tommy stood up, patting Dina on the back. They clasped hands with their sister and raised them in the air, almost yelling.
"I am Anne Marie Mangano!"
“I am Anne Marie Mangano!” They said almost as a prayer as all three held hands. A few voices yelled,
“Shut up and sit down,” from the back of the church.
“I am Anne Marie Mangano!” The tall girl stood. She was plain looking, but her countenance was one of sweetness and kindness; some would say angelic. Moira McKenna spoke for the very first time in her life, and it was good. Her sisters stood up and repeated,
“I am Anne Marie Mangano!” The twins almost sounded harmonic as they said it in unison. Gasps filled the air as the pastor spoke once again. Maureen stepped into the aisle and walked up to join Annie and Andrew.
“You need to leave…now…all of you!”
It was clear that he was more than impatient. He began to slap his Bible lightly against his thigh, growing nervous and nearly agitated.
A small woman, looking to be about seventyish, rose slowly on her walker. She looked around at the congregation before saying softly, almost indiscernible to those further away, but crystal clear to her own family,
“I am Anne Marie Mangano.” She was quickly joined by her granddaughter and daughter.
“I am Anne Marie Mangano.”
A man of about thirty-five stood up with his fiancé', son-in-law and daughter of one of the deacons.
"I am Anne Marie Mangano." They were quickly joined by the deacon and his wife.
"I am Anne Marie Mangano."
One by one, people rose and repeated the words until nearly a quarter of the congregation was standing. A boy of about thirteen stood and grabbed Moira’s hand. Archibald Patrick McKenna shook nervously, wondering what the future would hold for him once he spoke, but spoke he did.
“I…I…ammmm…Aaaa..Anne….Marie Mangano.” He looked around and went to sit down but a man behind him patted him on the back. He turned to see his gym teacher smile and hold his hands together in praise. Colleen made her way past Moira and hugged him.
“Way to go, baby brother, way to go.”
Conscience!
No! No! NO!
Conscience!
No! No! NO!
Rev. Pastore:
I am right, listen here
Our crusade is good and righteous
And it’s me you’ll need to lead you on the way!
Women:
Through the mists of your mind
Where you feel so right and pious
Something's lurking there that plagues you every day
All:
You are angry
And you feel so self-rightous
Self-deceived in a sad and prideful way
Sally forth! Come along
Grab your sword! Sing a song!
Praise the Lord and take a stand!
You resent
What you don't understand
In fact it scares you
And you become more unforgiving come what may!
Bring your spite
Bring your hate
Save your children and your mate
You’ll stay anchored in your hate!
Hear what we say!
Rev. Pastore:
Oh my God…what have I done?
Through my most grievous fault
Hear me; the fault is MINE!
I am sorry!
Now convicted
I now ask for YOUR forgiveness
I extend my deep remorse to all of you
Church:
Just as wrong
Just as wrong
We all know that we were wrong
We’re truly sorry we went along
Just like you!
The pastor shook his head, confused and almost fearful, as his anger dissipated. He went to sit down, but movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. A young man…a boy of thirteen actually, got up from his seat in the front row. He walked over and joined Andrew and Annie and Maureen. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he leaned over and kissed Annie on the cheek, whispering “Thank you” in her ear before stepping closer to the platform.
The pastor looked at the boy…the boy? Recognition was replaced by shock and then sadness….true sadness that only conviction could bring as his own son spoke the words.
“I am Anne Marie Mangano.”
The boy walked slowly up the platform and stood in front of his father. He slowly grabbed the microphone and smiled nervously as his father seemed almost helpless; nearly paralyzed with a flood of conflicting emotion as he heard his son speak.
“I am my father’s child. “ Tears continued to fall to the floor as he looked down at Anne and mouthed the words once again, “Thank you,” before speaking.
“Ssssome…Some of you….some of you may know me…..MMMost..most of you don’t.” He stammered even as his father sat down, holding his head in his hands as he began to weep.
“I…I am my father’s child…” He looked back to his father and sighed.
“My name is…. Sssome of you know me as Gabe…Gabriel Pastore. But that’s not my name.” A new confidence replaced the nervousness; peace brought about by permission to be whom….she was.
“My name is Gabriella Isabella Pastore. “ She smiled once again before turning around and looking at her father. She walked over to him and gently lifted him to his feet.
“I love you, Daddy,” She said before walking off the platform to her mother, who waited with tears in her own eyes. She hugged Gabriella and her husband before they walked slowly to a side door by the stage and out. Andrew looked at them as they departed before turning to Annie. He pulled her close and began to weep softly as he kissed her cheeks over and over.
“I love you,” he repeated as she smiled.
“I love you, too, Daddy.”
based on The Mob
from the movie Beauty and the Beast
words and music by
Alan Menkin and Howard Ashman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=917Q8dbpRLE
Both a Little Scared
A Musical Celebration
It's gotta be hard to try and be
everything you want to be and
everything you used to be and
everything everyone else wants
The McKenna Home a few weeks later
"Are you okay....sis? Gee...I just love saying that." Maureen smiled and kissed Moira on the cheek. Archie struggled with the newness of his sister, and missed his brother; failing to realize the two were one in the same.
"Gee...I just love saying that!" He sang in a falsetto and added in a near perfectly pitched alto, "Oh where oh where did my brother go, oh where the fuck did he go?" Maureen shot him a glare. Moira looked up and half-frowned.
"I'm right here, Arch...I didn't go anywhere," she said in a perfect high tenor, but in a reasonably authentic girl's voice. After all, she was a reasonably if not perfectly authentic girl, as her father would say.
"I know...I just miss what we had. I don't like this, but I guess I'm going to have to deal with this shit, between her and Andy," he said as he pointed to Maureen, "and Col and her GURLLLL friend."
"Deal with it Arch..." Her voice trailed off as she shook her head and cried.
"I know this is hard, but..." Maureen expected Moira to take her side, but was surprised when her sister continued.
"I've known about this part of me since I was thirteen...his age. He's only had three weeks to get used to this," she used her hand in a broad gesture. Archie was used to Jimmy wearing jeans and a tee and Pumas and a ball cap. He wasn't used to Moira wearing a denim skirt and a pink shell and studs in her ears and sandals and blush.
"And he's afraid he'll turn out just like you, since you're his idol." Colleen said as she grabbed a Snapple Diet Raspberry Tea out of the fridge. She wasn't being sarcastic, but was sincerely trying to understand her brother. He didn't take it that way and practically shouted,
"The fuck I am..." Tears filled his eyes, belying his protest and Moira shook her head and smiled at him.
"He's missing me even though I haven't gone anywhere. I still love the Colts and hockey, but this is who I am. I'm not your brother, but I'm the same sib you've always looked up to...maybe just a little higher now that I wear heels." He laughed softly but Archie wasn't convinced.
"I don't care... I don't mind you, whoever the fuck you are, but it's like my brother died and nobody fucking cares how much it hurts." Archie rarely cried. He wept when his mother died, but struggled like most thirteen-year-olds with expressing emotions other than anger. Here he had no problem and cried like he had never cried, even when his mother died. He expected her death after a nearly two year bout with leukemia. Jimmy's death was sudden and from his perspective tragic, since he 'died' too soon.
Maureen walked over and kissed his cheek and whispered,
"I'm so sorry...it's okay....I love my new sister but a lot of me misses Jimmy...you're not alone, honey." He looked up and stared at her in unbelief.
"Really?" He sniffled.
"Yeah." Colleen said as she came over and hugged him.
"It's like when anybody changes, Arch...we miss what they were and maybe we like what they become, right?" She looked over at Moira who was feeling horribly and unnecessarily guilty.
"There's even part of me that misses Jimmy, too." Moira said as she wiped her face with paper towel. I think anybody who goes through this is going to feel funny and maybe miss a little bit of who they were, but this is who I am, Arch. I'm so sorry to be a disappointment." She began to weep and Archie looked at her for the first time, not as his former brother, but like she was the sister he had all along.
"Hey...if you were such a great brother, I guess you'll be the best big sister ever," Archie shrugged his shoulders and grinned an impish grin. Maureen and Colleen both looked at each other and smiled.
"Hey....no fair...what about us?" Archie looked between the three and shrugged his shoulders. He wiped his own tears from his face with his sleeve and laughed.
"So sue me...you can take turns!"
"Moira?" Maureen walked into Moira's makeshift bedroom in the den. Archie actually lucked out because when he 'lost' a brother, he not only gained a sister but he also gained his own bedroom. Moira looked up from her mandolin and smiled.
"I've got something I'm working on, but I need some help. She held up a notebook and shrugged her shoulders.
"You're stuck on a chord? Need some help with the bridge? Mo...you haven't asked me for help in a while and I saw you with your guitar on the porch last night." She shrugged her shoulders. Their relationship had changed suddenly with Moira's beginning and Jimmy's abrupt end; Mo wasn't used to having a big sister to go to and Moira had no clue how to be a big sister.
"Yeah...but something more. This has to be special...it's..." She looked away and sighed.
"For Annie? Birthday present? I understand."
Moira wanted to understand but she had no clue. Her relationship with her girlfriend had gone south last year and when she finally allowed herself the luxury of being herself, she began a relationship with Ben Colavito. Since the 'coming out' at Grace and Peace Fellowship, Ben had backed off. He wanted a "normal" relationship with a gay boyfriend, not a girlfriend, which even Archie noted was sadly ironic.
And Moira was confused and oddly feeling guilty about wanting be be the young lady she knew she was but still feeling a strong attraction to girls; almost even stronger than before she had decided to become Moira full time. So answering questions and giving advice to her sister was confusing and she felt ill-equipped.
"Moira? Is sixteen too soon to fall in love?" Maureen shrugged her shoulders yet another time in question. I mean... Romeo and Juliet were kids, weren't they?
"I don't know. I thought I loved Iris Chang....I didn't but I thought I did. I'm sorry, Mo, but you came to the wrong guy...girl." She grimaced at the word and she shuddered. Biting her lip she turned her head but continued.
"I made a mistake, didn't I? This is so..." Maureen stepped closer and took the mandolin from Moira's hands and placed in on the desk. She sat down next to her and pulled her closer. Yet another McKenna child was learning how to cry.
"I think the only mistake you made was waiting so long. It's gotta be hard to try and be everything you want to be and everything you used to be and everything everyone else wants. I think Archie is right....you are the best older sister ever!"
Tally's Restaurant, Beaverdale, Iowa
The party was in full swing. Both Mangano families and the McKennas plus the odd assortment of friends of all the girls were just into the birthday cake when Maureen stood up and climbed onto a chair with a water glass and a fork. Tapping the fork against the glass like the "kiss" signal at a wedding reception she smiled as everyone turned their attention to her. She nodded at Colleen and Moira who opened their cases and brought out their mandolin and guitar. She smiled, but there were tears in her eyes. She stepped down from the chair and joined her sisters before saying,
"I wanted to do something special for Annie. Today we.... today is her..her sixteenth birthday." Maureen began to shake. Colleen stepped closer and grabbed her hand and squeezed. Maureen looked at her twin and smiled.
"Today is her sixteenth birthday but it's....it's also her first birthday." Dina yelled, "Amen," which was both welcome and fitting after the day at church only weeks before.
"I wanted do something that was fitting for both days, you know?" She looked over at Annie and their eyes met. It was likely the most special moment between the two, rivaling their first kiss in fourth grade behind the cafeteria and their first "kiss" after their first date as Annie and Maureen.
"So...wwwith...." She turned struggled with the words and Moira nodded.
"What my baby sister wanted to say is best said in song, so without further ado, I give you...The McKennas." Archie shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Nobody asked me," and Kellan beamed as only a proud father with three lovely daughters can.
(Imagine three lovely voices; soprano, mezzo soprano, and alto together singing to the tune of Beauty and the Beast)
Life begins right now
being who you'll be
I love the girl you are
and you're happier by far
Oh so blessedly!
See how much you've changed
lovely now to see
we were both so scared
I'm so glad you dared
You're my Anne Marie
Looking at you now
with all my love for you
Finally you've seen
who you should have been
an image finally true
Life is what it is
Even as they say
Bittersweet at times
Inspire-ing sad rhymes
yet more than that it's true
Certain as my heart
knows that life is new
What you've brought to me
it's oh so plain to see
Forever Me and You
The best is yet to be
Forever You and Me
You’re my Anne Marie
A bit later
Most of the guests had left, leaving just the Mangano families and the McKennas. Annie and Maureen were sitting in the
corner kissing and Dina was sitting with Colleen drinking coffee with the parents. Moira was gathering up presents and sundry when Archie came up and tapped her shoulder.
"Hey...somebody wants to talk to you.....Sis." Archie half-smiled before turning and walking over to the others. Moira turned to find a girl of about eighteen. She would have been a look-alike for Hilary Swank sans makeup but for her long Jet-black hair. She smiled and spoke nervously.
"Hi...I heard you playing with your sisters." Moira nodded and smiled. The girl held out her hand and shook Moira's hand while saying,
"My name is Mika...Mika Streeter...and you're a McKenna...I heard that much plus your sister's lovely song. You all sang so wonderfully. Very nice harmony, especially at the bridge." She smiled and Moira smiled back nervously.
"Moira...You play?" Moira almost croaked, trying very hard not to sound like her former self, which actually made things worse. Mika smiled again.
"Flute and oboe, and of course I love to sing. Well, I'll let you get back to your family." She smiled and walked away quickly, waving at a small group by the exit. Moira returned to getting the families' things together. She walked over and sat down and grabbed the pitcher of ice water from the table, pouring herself a glass. Colleen came over and sat down. She had a grin on her face and a piece of paper in her hand.
"Hey sis... this was a great night, huh? I think it just got better." She kissed Moira on the cheek and handed her the paper before heading off in Dina's direction. Moira opened up the paper and read the note...
Dear Moira, I'd love to get together and play sometime...of course with you and your sisters, but especially you! Love, Mika
She signed Mika with a heart over the 'i' and she included her phone number. Moira stared at the paper until the girls came over.
"Hey big sis, whatcha got there?" Maureen asked. She already knew because Colleen had told her. Moira handed her the paper and looked up.
"So...pretty cool, huh?" Dina asked as Annie nodded. Moira looked back between her sisters and the girlfriends before bursting into tears. Archie had wandered over and had heard the exchange. And he did the bravest but most natural thing a brother could ever do for his new sister. He leaned over and pulled her face closer and kissed her on the cheek awkwardly before saying,
"It's okay...Sis...it's okay."
Taking Wing
A Musical Transition
something simple is the key
Only love will set us free
It's so far, it's so near
Almost close, almost here.
The McKenna House a few weeks later
"Hello?" A pleasant voice greeted Archie as he picked up the phone...
"Yeah?" Archie's phone etiquette left much to be desired.
"Is this the McKenna home?"
"Yeah!" Another bright riposte.
"May I speak with Moira?"
"Yeah... MOIRA!!!!!" Archie was nice enough to put the phone away from his mouth as he yelled. A moment later Moira came to the phone.
"Hello...this is...Moira," she said tentatively. She realized that in the past three weeks she had said her own name three times; the only three times in her life.
"Hi...This is Mika...you know...from the restaurant...the birthday party?" Moira said nothing as she felt her cheeks grown warm. A funny feeling tickled her nose and her eyes seemed to grow wider.
"You didn't call, and I wanted to talk with you." Moira remained silent
"I ran into your sister's boyfriend's family at the mall yesterday. They gave me your number?" Her voice sounded very sweet and frightening at the same time.
"Hello?" Moira bit her lip and before hitting the off button and laying the phone down. She went to walk away and found that Archie was sitting on the couch staring at him, grinning.
"Your girlfriend?" He smiled.
"I don't have a girlfriend." Moira frowned and went to walk away when the phone rang.
"You want me to tell her you don't live here anymore?" He smiled again and Moira shook her head. After three rings she answered.
"Hello? This is the McKenna home." She hoped it was a telemarketer.
"Hi...Moira...we got cut off. This is Mika." Moira shuddered. Her face grew redder as the girl continued.
"I've got some free time this week. We’ve got odd semester breaks in the program I'm in, and I don't start class again until next Tuesday." Moira nodded unconsciously as if the girl could see her.
"Moira? Moira?" She sighed away from the receiver before speaking.
"Mika...I'm sorry...I'm...." As Jimmy, she had always been secure; not so much as Jimmy but more as her whole self. As Moira, she had taken on an almost timid personality.
"I...I can't...I just can't." Even as her face grew red, she began to cry. It was almost embarrassing; it was embarrassing, and she ended the call with another "sorry" before hanging up the phone yet again.
"What the fuck, Jimmy!" Moira had resigned herself to the fact that Archie was going to have a hard time using her name, but he had gotten at least to the place that he was only using the other name on rare occasion. She turned to see her brother, who had a surprisingly sympathetic look on his face. Standing next to him, with an even more sympathetic look was his father, who simply said,
"I think you need to see Dr. Callahan, aye?" With an odd mixture of familiarity and newness, she spoke, sounding at the same time like Jimmy and Moira together.
"Oh, Dad,' as she buried her face in her father's shoulder and began to sob; the first time Kellan McKenna had ever held his daughter in his arms, so to speak. Kellan patted her on the back, awkwardly at first with the unfamiliarity that comes from comforting a stranger; awkward but necessary. His uneasiness was quickly replaced with recognition as he patted his son in comfort; perhaps in a way that spelled a final goodbye for both as he cherished his daughter.
"It's okay, kiddo, it's okay. Daddy's here," a familiar phrase from Moira's past, but with new meaning as she felt her father's love for her...her alone...for the first time.
"It's okay."
The Pastore House a few days later
"Vito...talk to her. For Christ's sake, she's your only child!"
"Deanna? Don't use His name in vain!" His expression was one of shock and disappointment.
"It IS for His sake, Vito...Suffer the children to come unto me, isn't that how it goes?" He hated when she used Scripture to correct him. It was the only way she could reach him of late. He had retreated behind a wall of dogma mixed with stubborn pride.
"He's not a girl...there's no way my son is a girl...It's ...wrong...just wrong!" He shook his head as his face grew red; a crimson borne of a mixture of shame, doubt and fear.
"Vito...Goddamn it, talk to your daughter!" Deanna cried as she shook her head. He had never seen her this angry and sad in their nineteen years of marriage.
"Deanna?!!!" He glared at her, causing her walk up to him. She pushed his hands away as he plead for understanding.
"Vito, damn it...don't you ever look at me like that again. I'm not one of your precious sheep. I'm not a lost soul, Goddamnit, I'm your wife and she's your daughter. You go up there and talk to her or so help me..." She struggled with her last few words as her voice gained control.
"Vito...I love you...I always have and I always will." She paused one last time, wiping the tears from her eyes with her sweater cuff.
"But as God surely is my witness and yours, if you don't talk to your daughter, so help me I will take her and we will leave, do you understand?"
He nodded and shook his head nearly simultaneously, in agreement and in fear; she meant it...he could see it in her eyes. The love was tempered with her need to protect Ella. She was aptly named; Deanna Ursino...like a she-bear protecting her cub.
"I'm serious, Vito...no more of this...I'm sick of us being second to every little thing that comes up at church...your daughter has been growing up before you and you're missing it. A blind man would have noticed what you've neglected, and it's time to open your eyes....look at her like you look at everybody else. Forgive her and love her and show her she's as important as any meeting....any committee. I've put up with this for too long, and I am so fucking sorry for her sake that I did!"
His eyes widened, partially in shock, but mostly in recognition that she meant everything she said. He hadn't heard her use profanity in nearly twenty years, and that it came up right then and there told him there were no more chances. He held out his arms and put his head down.
"No, Vito...no hugs...no enabling...no more "there, there, I know you didn't mean it." She punched the wall, uncharacteristically but with such force that she cracked the sheetrock and caused a picture to fall to the floor, shattering the frame and glass.
"No, Vito...I mean it. I love you and I'm going to stand by you as much as I can, but it's going to be on His terms, not yours," she said as she pointed upwards
"Husbands LOVE your wives....You want to love me, Vito...show it by telling your daughter you are sorry. And then I want you to call the Elders and tell them you're taking some time off. For all of our sakes!" She shook her head one last time.
"We are going to family therapy....Dr. Connors has an opening tomorrow night...yes I know it's the Deacons meeting. They can get along with you just fine."
She was crying again, mostly out of relief, but also with the guilt that comes from enabling an abuser to abuse. He had never raised a hand to them; in fact he had never raised his voice to either of them. But his tenacious need for control pushed and pulled both Deanna and Ella into a position of neglect and abuse that molded them into the wife and son he wanted. And she had helped. She sat down on the steps leading upstairs and leaned her head against the wall and began to sob.
Vito looked at his wife for the first time with an understanding that can only come from a broken and contrite heart, as his precious Scriptures would attest. He looked at her and eighteen years of domination and selfishness and pettiness literally knocked him off his feet as he fell to the floor, weeping. His body began to shudder at first and in seconds he was prostrate and sobbing harder than at any other time in his life. His shoulders shook as wave after wave kept knocking him back down; each excuse; each explanation, each justification that came to mind was drowned by the undertow of conviction as he wept.
"Dad..." A soft voice in his ear was accompanied by an even softer touch to his shoulder.
"Dad?"
He struggled at first but sat up and leaned against the hallway wall. Lifting his head, Vito Salvatore Pastore saw an angel; her head was awash in the overhead glow of the hallway light as he recognized the messenger who had brought the needed change to the family. Gabriella knelt beside him, her hand touching his face as he beheld the beautiful gift that he had neglected for so long, seeing his daughter for the first time. He squinted, squeezing out tears that continued to flow as he peered at her, trying to see her clearly. The tears themselves were actually the lenses that brought his vision finally into focus as he smiled weakly in recognition.
"Gabe?" Using her old name didn't bother her at all...the name Gabriella would be spoken soon enough after stumbles and falls and risings and recovery as the family would finally walk along side each other. But for the time being, just the softness and the tenderness of the voice meant the world to the girl.
"It's okay, Dad...It's okay."
She smiled as a hand touched her head, tossling her hair. She turned to see her mother, who smiled through her own tears. She nodded to her daughter and looked down at her husband, seeing once again the passionate caring man she had married nearly nineteen years before and she sighed in relief and joyful recognition that it was indeed finally going to be okay.
Dr. Kelly Callahan's office, the next day
“Dr. Callahan? Is there something wrong with me?” Moira looked away, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“What makes you feel like something is wrong, Moira?” Kelly sat across from the girl who had pulled into herself, folding her arms almost like a hug.
“From what you’ve told me already, it sounds like things are going pretty good for you.” She smiled.
“I…I’m not sure…I don’t know.” She looked away.
“Well, something seems to be eating at you…you look very worried, like you feel you did something wrong.” Kelly waited until Moira turned toward her at the word ‘wrong?”
“Do you feel like you’ve done something wrong?” The girl shifted a bit but still hugged herself.
“I don’t know.” She repeated.
“What don’t you know, Moira?” Kelly shifted her approach.
“You just determined that you’re a young woman after seventeen years of living as a boy….Aren’t you being a little hard on yourself?” She tilted her head and half-smiled.
“Let me see if we can explore a bit, okay?” The girl nodded and she continued.
“You love your family, right?” She smiled back and nodded. In fact, at the mention of the word family, the girl practically beamed, her tears finally easing up.
“Do you think you’ve done something wrong as far as they’re concerned?” She shrugged and tilted her own head, and her eyes began to mist. Kelly picked up the visual clue and added,
“Does your family accept you as Moira?”
“Well, Archie…my little brother...he’s really not so little...Thirteen” Moira’s eyes grew wider as she turned away once again, give out a soft sigh.
“Is he having a hard time accepting you, Moira?” Kelly didn’t have to say her name, but she felt the mention might both affirm the girl and also help her get to the bottom of things.
“Oh, I know he is…he misses Jimmy…me…him…oh fuck…I don’t know.” She grew red at the mention of her old name and even redder when she realized she had sworn.
“Oh, gosh…I’m sorry.” She looked pleadingly at Kelly who smiled warmly.
“It’s okay, Moira…don’t worry about it. You were saying Archie misses his brother…has his brother gone away?”
“Well, no…I’m...he’s…oh fuck.” That word again.
“Moira, it’s okay…have YOU gone anywhere?”
“Nnn…no. It’s just…he said he…it was like I died.” She began to cry softly.
“Well…it feels like that to him?” She tilted her head again and widened her eyes in question.
“Yeah…that’s…he feels like he…I died.” She sniffled and turned away.
“Did you choose to die, Jimmy?” She used the dreaded name.
“Nnno…no…” Almost a question, as if she had to satisfy Kelly.
“You didn’t really die, did you, Jimmy? You’re still there, aren’t you?” Moira raised her eyebrows and smiled even as she sobbed.
“Nnn…no….no.” She shook her head.
“You’re still a part of Moira, aren’t you…since you and Moira are what, Jimmy?” Moira looked at her and her eyes widened in recognition.
“We’re….we’re the same person?” Kelly didn’t bother to say anything as Moira’s posture changed; her shoulders relaxed and her arms unfolded as she put her hand to her mouth.
“Archie thinks you left him, doesn’t he?” Back to that!
“Yeeessss. He misses me….” She bit her lip and her arms quickly enfolded her once again.
“But you haven’t gone anywhere, have you. You’ve been there all along, right?” She smiled and raised her eyebrows once again.
“Yyyeesss.”
“In fact, you only just figured this out….you’ve been Moira all along, haven’t you?” Almost a statement.
“Yes,” the girl replied, a bit more confident.
“So…how do you and Archie get along otherwise?”
“Oh…pretty good.” She closed her eyes for a moment, recalling the night of the party.
“What?” Kelly asked with a smile.
“Oh…when I got upset at Annie’s birthday party, he actually kissed me...the first time.” Her tears still fell, but they changed as she recalled how special the moment actually was.
“So he’s treating you like?”
“H…his…sissssister?” She stammered, and turned away.
“What’s going on…That sounded like a great moment for you but you’re upset.
“Oh…it’s nothing!” It was everything…the reason she sat across from Kelly in the first place. She had already seen Kelly twice in the last three weeks, and had already seen her endocrinologist as well.
“What upset you at the birthday party?” Kelly emphasized the word ‘birthday’ to stress the contrast between the mood of the event and Moira’s feelings.
“Oh, it was nothing…really…I guess I had a bad day?” Another plea.
“Really…you told me last week it was…how did you put it?” Kelly really remembered but she wanted Moira to repeat what she had said.
“The…the grand debut of the McKennas.” She half-smiled. Kelly pointed to the box of Kleenex on the side table in reminder. Moira grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes.
“There was another word there...what was it?” Again, Kelly already knew the answer, almost like a lawyer; never ask a question to which you don’t already know the answer.
“Oh…” A look of recollection crossed her face and Moira said proudly,
“The grand debut of the McKenna Sisters.” She smiled and Kelly smiled back.
“Wow...that sounds like a great day…but you got upset?”
“Yes,” she said it almost as a confession…as if she did something wrong...that other word!
“And Archie actually kissed you for the first time?” Moira half-smiled and nodded, almost feeling guilty at not being more excited over the milestone.
“So…the debut and a comforting kiss by your baby brother…sandwiching what, Moira…what was so bad to make the good almost go away?” Moira looked at her as if she had been asked to jump off a cliff; not just the peril but the fright almost consumed the moment.
“I…I…” She began to tear up once again.
“You look like you did something wrong, Moira.” Kelly wasn’t accusing her; just giving her room to recognize her own feelings.
“I…I…I met someone.” She turned away. An admission…again, almost a confession of guilt.
“Who did you meet, Moira…what happened.”
“Nnnno…nothing happened.” She turned away once again. Shame.
“It looks like you think you did something wrong, Moira. Did you do something?
“Nnn….no,” she said softly and her voice trailed off. She hugged herself again.
“Who did you meet, Moira?”
“A…a girl.” She bit her lip.
“So you met a girl at Annie’s birthday party?”
“Yehhh…yes.” Reluctance.
“What did she say?” Moira winced.
“What did she say?” She repeated what Kelly asked as if she was being interrogated.
“Yes…did she say something to upset you?” Kelly could see it had. Moira shrugged her shoulders and looked away once again. Shame.
“NN…nnno…she didn’t say anything to upset me.”
“But something did happen, right?” Moira nodded and her eyes were overflowing. She sniffled but Kelly offered no reminder.
“What happened, Moira…what happened that was so bad to upset you?” Her voice was almost tender, like a mother inviting a child to describe her day.
“She…she.” Kelly nodded and smiled as if to say, ‘Go ahead.’
“She wrote me a note…” Kelly nodded.
“Shsshe…she wants….” Another nod.
“She wants to get to…know me.” Kelly smiled in sympathy as the girl started to cry.
“And you feel that’s wrong of her?”
“Wha…what?” She looked up, puzzled.
“She wants to get to know you. Is that wrong of her?”
“Nnn…no. No..it’s not.” She said softly as she wiped her face with her sleeve, forgetting the box of tissues sitting on her lap.
“Then…Moira, look at me.” Kelly spoke softly but firmly to gain eye contact as she had turned away again.
“What would upset you so much if it wasn’t wrong to ask?” She paused as the girl’s eyes went down. Shame once again.
“Is is wrong for you to accept?” Not an accusation, but a clarification.
“Yehh…yeesss.” She bit her lip.
“May I ask why?” Kelly tilted her head in question.
“Bee….beccaaussse….ihhht’s wrrrronnng.” She began to weep. Her arms once again enwrapped her as she rocked slightly. She cried for a good five or six minutes; her sobs finally subsiding at Kelly’s voice.
“Moira?”
“Yes.”
“You’re very upset…more than at any other time in our sessions so far. What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?” Moira had an idea but didn’t offer anything.
“You are extremely upset over this; like you did something wrong…why is it wrong for you to want to get to know this girl?” She knew already but it was important for Moira to discover it for herself.
“I’m….I’m a girl.” She put her head down. Shame once again.
“Let me ask you this before we go any further, okay?” Moira nodded.
“We talked about how your family is adjusting…to your change, right?” A nod.
“And you all are finding out that you’re….”
“The same person, right?”
“And that you still like football, right?” Another nod. Kelly smiled.
“is it okay for girls to like hockey?” A bit jarring, but intentional.
“Yes, my Mom loved hockey!” Moira said emphatically, as if Kelly should have known that.
“Since you decided to become…correction, since you determined that you were a girl, have you stopped liking the Colts or hockey?” A shake of the head, ‘no.”
“And you suddenly haven’t developed a love for eggplant or egg salad, right?” A nod.
“So you’re really the same person you were before, but in a different ‘package?’ Would that be a good way of saying it?
“Yes.”
“May I ask another question?” A nervous nod as Moira wondered where Kelly was going.
“Did Jimmy like girls?” A nod
“A lot?” Moira’s nod was followed quickly by,
“Now Jimmy and Moira are the same person; and we’ve already determined that there’s no real difference inside between you and him, right?”
“Yes?” Moira leaned closer and half-smiled.
“So it would follow that whatever Jimmy liked Moira likes, right?”
“And it would be okay?”
“Kelly? What are you saying?”
“It’s not so much what I’m saying as what you are, Moira. Everything we’ve talked about leading up to today says...what you’re saying to your family and me…maybe what you’re having a hard time hearing yourself, is that you’re the same person you’ve already been, right?”
“Yes...yes” Moira nodded, already feeling some relief in anticipation.
“So…would it follow that it’s okay for Moira to continue to like…even love the same things Jimmy did?”
“Yes,” She went from optimistic to fearful in a moment, hoping she was right. Kelly nodded and continued.
“So if it was okay…not wrong for Jimmy to really like girls, wouldn’t it be okay…perfectly alright for you to still like girls?” She nodded.
“And wouldn’t it also follow that it would be okay…even a good thing to contact this girl…what was her name?”
“Mika,” she nodded.
“To contact Mika? To get to know her? To see where things go?”
“Yes?” One last plea, hoping she answered "correctly." Kelly nodded, expecting a glowing smile, but instead the girl burst into tears. With almost as much energy and emotion over her fear of being wrong, the girl wept out of relief of being right; of finally fitting in and being okay. Kelly leaned back in her chair and sighed deeply before saying one last time,
“Yes, Moira, absolutely yes!”
Love Theme from Sparatcus
from the Movie Soundtrack
words and music by
Terry Callier and Alex North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZ6e8-94JRE
At Last A Swan
A Musical Celebration
I said I love you, and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are
The McKenna Home several days later...
“Hello, is this the Streeter household?” Moira said softly, almost in a whisper. She was very worried even after rehearsing several times what she would say. She found she need not have worried.
“Yes, this is the Streeter home; may I ask who is calling.” The man on the other end seemed pleasant enough.
“This is Moira…Moira McKenna…I’m a…I’m a friend of Mika’s.” Her voice was even softer.
“Did you say Mika? She’s not home. She just went out with her boy friend. This is her Dad…Can I have her call you when she gets in?” The man spoke clearly; too clearly.
“No…no…that’s okay.” Moira hung up the phone and walked into her room. She fell on the bed and cried until she fell asleep.
A little later...
“Hello, is this the McKenna home? This is Mika…Mika Streeter. Is Moira home?” She asked. Archie looked around and didn’t see her. He walked into her room and found her lying in bed. Rather than disturb her he went back to the phone.
“She’s asleep. You can call back in a little while if you like.” He smiled wanting to be clever, added,
“She hasn’t finished crying.”
“Oh, gosh…Is anything wrong?” Mika’s voice trembled.
“Oh…geez…I think she’s upset.” Archie was being his old teasing self; some habits die hard. He looked over at Moira’s door and smiled wryly before continuing.
“Something about someone having a boyfriend? I really don’t know actually, just that she’s been in her room crying for the last hour.” He looked over once again and shrugged his shoulders. He wasn’t trying to be cruel, and oddly, his teasing actually accomplished something good for a change as Mika said softly,
“I’ll be right over…please don’t bother her until I get there, okay.” Archie looked one last time at her doorway and said,
“You got it!” He hung up the phone, hoping for the best prank he had ever pulled, but when he got to the door to Moira’s bedroom he heard her sobbing.
“Oh fuck…” He shook his head and knocked on the door.
“Go away!’ The voice called from inside the bedroom.
“Nope…” He tried the door found it unlocked. Pushing it open he walked in to find Moira lying face down on her bed. It seemed almost weird to see her like this. When he looked at Moira in that regard, his attitude changed from that of a kid brother who looked up to Jimmy to a brother who wanted to protect his sister.
“What do you want?” She wasn’t curt or rude, and Archie looked at her with sympathy.
“I just wanted to know how you were doin’…. You know? You’ve been cryin’ for almost an hour, and I figured it had to be sumthin’ important.”
“I’m okay…you don’t have to stay with me, Arch….really.” Moira sniffled and sat up.
“For someone who’s okay, you sure look awfully fuckin’ sad!” Archie struggled to purge his favorite modifier from his vocabulary.
“Sure I’m upset…but I’m okay, alright? You don’t have to stay with me.” She shrugged her shoulders; she wanted the company, but not if Archie felt he had to stay there.
“What the fuck, Moira, make up your mind!” Archie snapped, but instead of being upset, Moira smiled and shook her head, almost as if she couldn’t believe what she had just heard.
“That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me, Archie. Thanks!” She shrugged her shoulders again and Archie shook his head.
“’What the fuck’ is sweet?”
“No…Archie…you called me by my name.” She began to tear up again.
“Oh Fuck…don’t start cryin’ again…I’m sorry!” He pled, but Moira cried even as she smiled at him again.
“Archie…yoooo….you calllleddddd…..meee….Moyyyyyyy….rah.” She sobbed. He walked to the bed and sat down. Hugging her awkwardly, he looked just as his father poked his head in the doorway.
“What’s wrong?” Kellan asked as worry crossed his face.
“Everything’s okay, Dad.” Archie shrugged and Kellan matched the expression and smiled.
“Dad?” Archie spoke up just as his father turned to leave.
“Yes?”
“She’s okay, right?” Kellan walked around and looked at Moira’s face. She clung tightly to her little brother, and while there were tears streaming down her cheeks, she had the most content smile you’d likely ever see. Kellan walked around again and nodded.
“Yes, Arch…she’s okay.” He smiled and turned to leave again before Archie called out one last time.
“Dad?” Kellan turned once again to see a very puzzled look on his face.
“Yes, Arch?”
“If this is what ‘okay’ looks like, I’d hate to see what the fuck bad looks like.” Kellan resisted the twin urges to either laugh out loud or correct his son’s profanity, but instead smiled and said as he walked out the door.
“Me, too, Archie my boy, me too!”
Meanwhile, at the home of Andrew and Connie and Annie Mangano...
“Annie, there’s some mail for you.” Andrew looked at the return address on the envelope and cringed. “Grace and Peace Fellowship, Harding Avenue, Des Moines, IA 50301,” the envelope was addressed by hand to Miss Anne Mangano.
“Okay, Dad.” Annie walked tentatively toward the front hallway where her father stood.
Even with the profession of faith, so to speak, their relationship was anything but back to normal. Andrew still struggled with the presence of a daughter at the dinner table where once sat a beloved son. He loved Annie, in his own way, and things were getting better day by day, but he had a hard time relating to this new female whose needs and wants were decidedly different from the son he had raised to the age of sixteen.
I need to know that I will always be
The same old someone that you knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you
“This letter came today.” Andrew handed it to her as if it were radioactive. Their experience at the church, while enlightening and freeing, was not a comfortable one to say the least, and he feared what the letter held. Annie took her left index finger and pulled the loosely glued flap open. She unfolded the letter and found it to be written, not typed, and on plain paper rather than church stationary.
Dear Miss Mangano,
Please accept my profound apologies for my behavior the Sunday you and your family and friends attended the church services. I am ashamed of what I said to you and your family. I am even more ashamed for the bad example I set before the Church in general and my family in specific. I do not pretend to understand completely what you present yourself to be, but that is from my perspective as a parent as well as a minister, and has more to do with my own prejudice than anything about you. With the help of some minister friends of mine to whom I have made myself accountable, I have come to see that you have done nothing wrong, and it is to my eternal regret and sadness that I accused you of such in front of so many people.Please forgive me for my actions, and please do not hold the Fellowship accountable; my views were entirely my own, and I wish to absolve the church of that responsibility. It took my own child…my …daughter…to show me how wrong I was and what a fool I’ve been. I have taken some time since that Sunday to spend with my family, and have come to at least appreciate your perspective much more as I get to know the daughter I never realized I had. To that end, I have taken a leave of absence from the Church. I will be returning sometime at the end of next month, hopefully a better human being and husband and father because of it, but I owe you a debt of gratitude for your willingness to be brave in the face of my horrible behavior.
I Timothy 4:12 says….’ And don't let anyone put you down because you're young. Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity.’ You’ve taught me a thing or two, and I am thankful for that.
Best Regards, Vito Pastore
Over the next several days, both Mangano families and the McKenna family received similar letters from Rev. Pastore, and each member of the church received a letter of apology as well. Annie looked at her father, who just smiled and hugged her; still a bit awkward, but getting better every day.
Meanwhile, back at the McKenna home...
A knock came at the door. Kellan opened it to find Mika Streeter standing on the front porch. He opened the door wide and invited her in. Archie started to walk away when Kellan grabbed him by the collar.
“And where would you be off to, Arch?” Archie shrugged and put his head down, fearing the worst. Mika smiled and said,
“Oh, your son invited me over. I’m here to visit Moira.” She smiled at her own mention of Moira’s name.
“She’s in her room; you can go right back.” Kellan used his hand to point to the door, which was ajar. As Mika turned Archie shrugged his shoulders in apology. Kellan smiled at his son.
“If you need us, we’ll be in the kitchen.” Kellan ushered his son into the kitchen and pointed him in the direction of the sink. It was piled high with the dishes of breakfast and lunch. He smiled at Archie who shrugged one last time before he rolled up his sleeves and got to work.
“Moira?” Mika said as she knocked on the door. A voice nearly whispered.
“Come in.” Mika walked in to find Moira sitting on her bed, her back to the wall, reading a biography of Gershwin. She smiled and walked over. Without asking, she plopped on the bed next to Moira and said,
“Oh Gosh…Gershwin….Rhapsody In Blue….Porgy and Bess…wow…you like Gershwin?” Her smile was greeted by a sheepish half-frown.
“Yes….Mika…what are you doing here? I thought you had a date?” She turned away. She was embarrassed, and her face began to grow warm.
“I wanted to explain.” Mika pled, but Moira cut her off.
“No need to explain. You’ve got a boy friend. It’s okay, really.” That word okay slipped too easily into the sentence, and Mika grabbed her by the hand, startling her.
“No…not okay….” Moira went to protest and Mika put her hand up.
“That wasn’t my father on the phone. That was my brother.” Moira’s eyes widened.
“He doesn’t approve of my…choices. So when a girl calls up he assumes that it’s a girlfriend or someone who’s…. interested. He tells them I’m out with my boyfriend and that usually puts people off. My last girlfriend clocked him…knocked him on his ass. You’d think he would have learned. Coming from a family like ours, he’s been diagnosed with a psychological disorder.” Moira was speechless but her expression said “really?” and begged an explanation.
“My dad says he’s a clinical jackass!” She laughed softly and her hand brushed Moira’s arm, sending a shudder up the girl’s back.
“I feel like such a fool.” She needed not explain further; her red face and eyes let Mika know she’d been crying.
“I’m so sorry, but at the same time I’m honored.” Moira looked at her in question.
“You cared enough about me to be disappointed when you thought I didn’t like you that way.” Moira went to protest but Mika put her finger to Moira’s lips.
“I saw the look in your eyes when I walked in. I had the same look in my eyes when I got in my car after the birthday party. And I cried, too.” Moira looked at her almost sideways.
“Why would you cry?” She bit her tongue; afraid she’d reveal anything else. She felt almost exposed.
“Because every time I see a girl I really like, it never goes any further than giving them my number. Most times they don’t call, and when they do, if I answer the phone I chicken out…I never follow through.” She bit her own lip, almost a mirror image of the fear and doubt on Moira’s face.
“But why? I’m not…you don’t know anything about me…you don’t know….”
“That you play the mandolin? That you love Gershwin and piano and music? That the McKenna family didn’t always have three girls?” Moira grew red; more from shame than at any other time in her short life. Mika grabbed her hand and held it in both of hers.
“You don’t remember me…Ms. Petrova…your piano instructor…I’m her daughter. Streeter is her married name; my Dad...Step-dad...oh you know what I mean. I used to sit and listen to you play. I had a crush on you then even though you were younger than me.” Moira went to pull away.
“You were a girl then, Moira…you just hadn’t figured it out yet. But I think I had…at least I’d like to think I did.” She laughed softly even as her hands caressed Moira’s hand.
“But…” Moira went to protest once again. Mika spoke softly.
“Moira…I don’t know where this is going to go. I’ve only had two other girlfriends in my life (other?) and things didn’t go so well. They only were looking for a novelty…like I was something they wanted to try out. But you…you’re different.” She winced when she heard herself speak the last word.
“I’m make-believe, too, Mika. I’m pretend.” She misted up. Part of her felt embarrassed because she couldn’t stop crying after nearly eighteen years of hardly crying at all. Things would balance themselves out as she adjusted to the newness of expressing her emotions, but at that moment, it was entirely to be expected anyway; another girl had essentially shared how special she felt Moira was.
“Not make-believe, honey…the real deal…you’re someone who’s touched a nerve in me…you’re like I just walked across the floor and a spark jumped from your hand to mine.” She said this while contusing to caress Moira’s hand.
“But you…you’re…” Moira felt outclassed in a way…out of Mika’s league so to speak. Mika felt like she was bailing water out of a leaky boat in the middle of a lake; getting nowhere fast, as some would say. She looked at Moira and smiled wryly as if to say, “You have given me little choice.” Pulling Moira close she kissed her full on the lips.
Moira’s eyes grew wide in shock and her expression changed from surprise to wonder to joy to tearful joy and back to joy again. Mika kissed her on the neck and hugged her tightly as she said over and over, “It’s okay…It’s okay.”
Archie was just returning from a trip to the bathroom when he looked into the open doorway and saw the two kissing and hugging. In his own inimitable fashion, he exclaimed,
“What the fuck? Dad!!!! Commere! Look! Moira’s got a girl friend!” He smiled broadly and then turned to see his father’s glare, but rather than correct his son, Kellan smiled and replied,
“That she does, Archie, my boy; that she does!”
Cup o’ Kryptonite Comic Warehouse, Des Moines, Iowa a few weeks later
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are
“You got the new Wolverine? I heard they changed him again?” Archie asked the girl behind the counter.
“Yeah…it’s over on that rack next to the WoW display.” She pointed and Archie walked over. As he reached into his pocket he bumped into someone.
“Oh...sorry,” the girl said as she picked up the Atom figurine she was carrying and placed in the display case above the rack.
“My bad….hey you work here?” Archie asked as he turned his back to her facing the comics rack.
“Yes…I help out my second cousin sometimes…He’s the weekday manager.” She smiled and Archie thought there was something familiar about her.
“Do we know each other? I swear you look like someone I know….” Archie did a supreme job of not using his favorite modifier. The girl smiled and said,
“We haven’t met…but I think I know you anyway.” She blushed and turned her head.
“Fuck…someone like you you’d think I woulda remembered.” He wasn’t being sexual in the least; the girl was actually a very nice kid. She grew redder, more out of what she was about to say than the complement.
“I….I saw you in church last month.” She shrugged as if to apologize.
“Oh yeah, when the shit hit the fucking fan.” That modifier again. She half-frowned at him and he shrugged his shoulders.
“Sorry. You were there?"
“I sorta was in the middle of it….I saw your family and the other families. And I saw you stand up for that girl….”
“Oh yeah…Annie…my sister’s girlfriend.” Archie surprised himself with the ease to which he replied.
“You were there? Did you stand up?” He looked at her wondering about her familiar face.
“Ummm yeah…I sorta was on the platform.” She winced as Archie mouthed ‘what the fuck’ slowly.
“You’re the pastor’s kid?” He smiled and tilted his head. She bit her tongue expecting the worst.
“I can see why you said you’re a girl.” She was waiting for a punchline that never came. Archie took another solid step into the world of humanity and said with a smile.
“You’re pretty. Not a babe, but very pretty.” Almost an insult for anyone else, it was the nicest most wonderful moment in her brief life, and she began to cry.
“Oh fuck, I’m sorry.” He was.
“No…no…nobody ever said that to me at all. It’s all good…really.” Archie didn’t understand his own sisters; how was he expected to understand a girl he had just met. And while he wasn’t completely uncomfortable with her…after all, his older sister was…well, one of ‘them,’ he wasn’t sure how to relate to her. Not so much what he should say as what he shouldn’t say; he really wanted to be kind.
“Oh…okay. I never told anybody except my twin sisters they were pretty…maybe my Mom before she died.”
“Gee, I’m sorry…that must be hard.” The girl said. Archie nodded.
"Not as hard as being treated like crap all your life when you're really okay, right?" She sniffled and wiped her face with her sweater sleeve. Nodding, she held out her hand…
“I’m sorry…I’m Riella…Riella Pastore.” She smiled.
“Oh…yeah…Archie…Archie McKenna.” He smiled and things became awkward for a whole variety of reasons, not least of which was that Archie was a boy in transition, having no experience with girls at all. She turned to walk away but Archie continued.
“You like 360? I’ve got the newest Halo game…wanna come over to my house?” He smiled awkwardly.
“OH…no…I don’t really care for that….” He frowned until she added,
“I’m really into the new Madden though.” Archie beamed and said,
“Fuck…yeah…I got that, too. Glad he’s not doing the game anymore…what a….” Archie was going to add his favorite modifier one last time but smiled and said,
“What time you get off?” She looked at the clock over the counter. 5pm. She smiled and said,
“Right now!”
"Cool!"
On the front porch at the home of Pete and Marie Mangano and family...
"Love me?" Annie looked at her girlfriend and smiled.
“I don’t know…I guess.” Maureen smiled back and kissed Annie on the cheek.
“What? Well, in any case, I love you…very much.” Annie leaned closer. Maureen playfully offered her cheek but Annie grabbed her chin softly, turning her face to kiss her.
“Oh no…you’re not going to get away that easy.” Colleen sat on the front step. Dina went to get up but Colleen grabbed her hand, pulling her back down.
“Daddy says maybe a double wedding, but after we graduate college.” Colleen said. Dina looked at her and smiled.
“Whatever you say….right, Annie?” Dina looked back and saw that Maureen and Annie were decidedly preoccupied. She turned back to Colleen and smiled before leaning in closer to her girlfriend.
“Whatever you say.”
“You know what you remind me of?” Maureen kissed Annie on her cheek right next to her left eye. She continued to kiss her on her nose and her chin and her mouth, but not before finally saying.
“You’re so lovely…so wonderful; graceful in fact. With your long neck.…you’re just like….a swan. Annie just stared at her sweetly until Maureen said once again,
"Yeppers...a swan!"
Epilogue
TD Ameritrade BallPark, Omaha, Nebraska, The College World Series, Eight Years Later.
“Now batting for Iowa State, Second Baseman, Archie McKenna.” The overhead speaker blared. Kellan stood up and yelled,
“Archie….take him the other way!”
Archie couldn’t hear his Dad, but he felt him…and somehow his Mom as well. Several figures stood up and cheered alongside Kellan McKenna. His daughters all cheered for their baby brother, a baby no longer. Moira and Mika both wore Iowa State sweatshirts and ball caps. Maureen sat next to Annie, her stomach large with their second daughter while her sister Eileen was sitting on Mommy Annie’s shoulders.
Colleen and Dina were cheering too, but Colleen wore the colors of the rival Nebraska Cornhuskers, being an assistant coach for Nebraska’s Women’s Softball team. The only one missing was Archie’s girlfriend. Actually, that’s sort of wrong, since she wasn’t his girlfriend any longer.
Riella Isabella Pastore McKenna cheered her husband of six weeks as he stepped up to the plate. He turned and nodded to the family before turning to the catcher and smiling.
“Great day for a fucking ballgame, huh?” He said just before he hit the first pitch of the game for a triple.
Some habits are just hard to break, yes?
Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
I said I love you, and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are
The End for Now
Just the Way You Are
words and music by Billy Joel
as performed by Diana Krall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiOYsnET6Iw
