Reality sets in as Joan is forced to carefully examine her current life and potential future. What will they all decide in the face of seemingly overwhelming obstacles?

Chapter 23

Wouldn’t It Be Nice?

Thursday morning. Was it really Thursday already? I marveled that my entire life had been turned upside down in the span of a few days. I got up and made myself ready for work. I had two jobs scheduled for today and one for tomorrow. I’d have to start pushing harder to find more work. There would be no more "toys" for me.

In the back of my mind I thought that my "savings" would provide me with a certain amount of freedom. At the very least, I’d be able to get a decent car when I turned sixteen. Now? Well, now I knew that every penny would go to support my family. Could Sam and I handle this transition? Hell, I’d all but promised to care for the kids 24/7. Still, if I did that when would I work? When would I go to school? Never mind the idea of being a rock star.

OK, so I was scared shitless as the reality of the situation hit home. What under the right circumstances could be the most fantastic thing to happen to two people could simply turn out to be a total disaster to my own existence. Still, a part of me found a new reason for living in all of this. I’d never felt so alive.

I turned on the cold water in the shower in an attempt to shake myself out of my reverie. Daydreaming wasn’t going to accomplish anything. A lone thought kept popping into my head. Perhaps it was time to put away thoughts of actually becoming "Joan." My new responsibilities were of enormous proportions and I wasn’t sure that being "Joan" was in their best interests. Could I be that selfless even if it was true?

I finally calmed myself down when I realized something. My babies needed a mother. Despite the fact that Sam would be giving birth to them there was no way that he’d ever fill the bill. I vowed to be the best mother that the world had ever known. I greeted myself in the mirror with a forced smile. I put on a minimal amount of makeup and headed downstairs for some breakfast.

The Reyser job turned out to be a big one. It always amazed me what people thought sixty dollars would buy. I guessed they were just trying to see what they could get for their money. No one ever balked at my price estimates. I’m not sure if it was the way I was now carrying myself or what, but people seemed to be treating me with more respect than they had in the past. I guess I no longer had that "little girl lost in the woods" look about me. I was a shrewd businesswoman.

I finished up the second job and made my way back home. As it turned out it wasn’t critical that I get that "fourth" job for the week, but I was going to do my best. I had to put at least two hundred a week away for the kids. Could I keep up that pace once school started? I started thinking that I shouldn’t have bought the Martin. I knew Mom would never come across with the two hundred and fifty she promised. Under the circumstances, I certainly wasn’t going to ask her for it. My plan to acquire toys was abandoned before it’d ever hit full swing.

I found myself wondering what was going through Sam’s head. Was his only concern whether or not he’d get to play on Saturday? Was I turning into a resentful shrew before our journey had even begun? I made my way into the house and went upstairs to put my money away. Two hundred dollars for one day’s work. It would have taken me almost two weeks of sanding to earn that much money. Mr. Ferris had done me a favor.

I hit the shower and removed the bits of latex that had adhered to various parts of my body. I had to find some way to clear all these thoughts from my head. I was beginning to go into overload on all the events taking place in my life. The warm stream slowly brought me back to life. I was making myself presentable when I began to worry about my meeting with Aunt Vivian this evening. So far, she hadn’t said a word to me.

Aunt Melissa was busily involved in making dinner when I went downstairs. It smelled out of this world. She was making orange flavored chicken. At least, that’s what it smelled like. I thought I’d take a new tack with her and asked: "Auntie M, is there enough food for me to invite Sam over?" She laughed at the "Wizard of Oz" reference and told me there was more than enough for Sam and Aunt Alice. I made a quick phone call and invited them both for supper.

The entire setting was just a bit bizarre. Sam and Aunt Alice arrived just as I was finishing setting the table. Everyone was acting like it was just another day. How was that possible? I ran up to Sam and gave him an "extra-special" hug. He smelled so fresh and perfect. How he could not have known that he was pregnant was beyond me. Wishful thinking perhaps? I wished that I was better prepared for all that was about to happen. Sam was about to make himself a gin and tonic when I stopped him dead in his tracks. "Sam, the babies!" I screamed. He looked at me like I was nuts but thankfully poured himself a diet coke instead.

Mom came sauntering in the door and seemed genuinely pleased that everyone was there. She began her normal routine of a drink and a smoke when I told her that smoking was no longer allowed in the house. I wasn’t making any friends here. For a moment she looked like she was going to challenge me, but in the end she gently stroked my face with her hand. I decided that I’d do my best not to be a total nut case about the whole thing.

Maybe Sam’s appetite had finally been explained? He was eating for three! I waited till everyone had taken what they wanted before selecting a few pieces for myself. Sadly, money was an issue. Sam seemed in high spirits that evening. He’d thrown from the mound that afternoon with no ill effects. "I’m sure I can pitch Saturday if they need me," he said. "But coach won’t use me again in another position. He said I’m too valuable to the team as a pitcher."

For awhile I guess I’d been a bit jealous of Sam’s success at baseball. Now, well now I was just worried for my family. I did my best to block out thoughts of him getting injured during a game. At least he wasn’t into football, I thought and laughed aloud garnering a few curious looks. Dinner was over and Sam offered to help me with the clean up. I insisted that he remain seated. I guess I was turning into a bit of a nut case.

The conversation continued until it was time for us to leave. I felt a knot begin to form in the pit of my stomach as we made our way to the Raspberrys. For some reason I felt as though I’d let Aunt Vivian down. I had no idea WHY I felt that way, I just did. Mom dropped me off and left when she saw that I was safely inside. Aunt Vivian ushered me into the kitchen.

She poured us some coffee and sat down across from me. I removed a cigarette from my purse, lighted it, and inhaled deeply. "So, a lot has happened to you over the last few weeks," she began in an attempt to draw me out. Talk about an understatement! My entire world had been turned upside down in the past several days. "You know, for awhile there I was worried about you and Fred. I guess I don’t have to do that anymore?" She eyed me intently, looking for clues.

"Aunt Vivian, Fred is just a friend. Besides, I don’t really know him that well," I finished.

"It seems you know him well enough to kiss him passionately?" She stated in an inquisitive mode. So, Darla had discussed our goings on with her mother. Great! I sighed aloud.

"Aunt Viv, what happened between Fred and me was a mistake. If I thought it was going to happen again, I’d quit the band right now. I’m not really sure why I kissed him. I’ve never been kissed by a boy before. It was a strange, but not unpleasant feeling. Still, it will never happen again," I said authoritatively.

"And what do you plan on doing about Sam?" What was with her this evening? Usually she’d just let me ramble in any direction I chose to go. This evening she seemed to have an agenda.

"Sam!" I could feel my eyes light up. "No one or nothing is more important to me in this universe," I said.

"And just how do you plan on supporting your family?" Why did I have the feeling that she was attacking me? I couldn’t see any reason not to respond, so I did.

"Aunt Vivian, I know I’m only fourteen years old. I know that these aren’t the best of circumstances. Still, this is probably the only chance I’ll ever have to become a genetic parent. I know for a fact that I can earn a few hundred dollars a week at my job," I finished.

"And you think you can support a husband and two babies on a couple of hundred a week?" I was near tears. I thought she was here to help me? Did she think I was unaware of the extreme challenge that lay ahead? For a moment I considered running away. Maybe she’d been right initially? Maybe we were too close to have a "Doctor/patient" relationship.

"Aunt Vivian, would you prefer it if I sought out another therapist?" I asked as the tears burst forth. I began wondering if my therapist needed a therapist.

"Joan, you make me so proud of you in so many ways. You handle most situations like an adult. And then, you do this…" Her voice trailed off and we both lapsed into silence.

"I can’t go back and change the past. What would you recommend; an abortion? That was a rhetorical question. I’m not seeking your opinion. Those are my babies and god help the person that gets in the way." I felt truly righteous. I may not be able to give my children all the "things" that money could buy, but I’d give them more love than they could handle.

"I’m sorry if I seem a bit abrupt with you this evening. I had to make sure that your head was on straight and that you had your priorities in order. I’m sure you’ll make an excellent mother," she said as her voice began to warm. I heaved another sigh of relief. She certainly had a strange way of showing me how much she cared.

I found myself wishing that I was the one that was pregnant for another reason. I knew I could handle the whole experience better than Sam could. Still, he was smart, and he was strong. I wasn’t really worried about him.

"I was doing a bit of research earlier. Did you know that you and Sam can get married with parental approval?" I looked down at my wedding ring. I felt like telling her that Sam and I were already married. Part of me found the idea attractive. Would Sam marry me for real? Hell, I’m only fourteen! I felt like screaming. Would he and I wind up like our own parents in another twenty years? Hell, in less than that time I’d have two children thinking about their college education. My cool facade was developing some serious cracks.

"I’m not sure if Sam would marry me," I said sadly.

"Well, don’t you think you should ask him?" Why was she pressuring me so? I thought I’d come over here and find a bit of release. Now, I felt more wound-up then I had been when I woke up this morning. Our hour ended and Mom came waltzing into the kitchen.

"Well, did you manage to talk any sense into her?" Mom asked. So that’s what this was about? And here I thought I’d had Mom’s support. I finally felt defeated. There was no way we could do this without the support of all of our loved ones.

"Clara," Aunt Vivian began. Addressing her that way caught Mom’s attention. "Joan and Sam need all the help we can give them." Every moment brought with it a new surprise. Half an hour ago I thought that Aunt Vivian was my worst enemy.

"Mom," I thought aloud. "There’s no way we can do this without your help." Had I been kidding myself thinking that I had my mother’s support? "I’m so sorry Mom. But, don’t you see? It’s a blessing in a way. This is the only way that I’ll ever be able to have children," I said thinking of a time when the hormones would leave me sterile.

"Joan, that’s not necessarily true," Aunt Vivian opined. "You could have your semen frozen for later use." OK, so I already knew that. Was I the only anti-abortion person that I knew?

"Sweetheart, we could bank your sperm and then when the time was right you could have a family with the right person," Mom said. How could rational people even have this discussion? If we couldn’t keep our own babies at the very least we could offer them up for adoption. And, that would happen over my own dead body. I had to maintain control. If I crumbled now it would just be a further indicator that I was in no way ready to become a parent.

"Mom, Aunt Viv, I’m aware of sperm banks and the possibility of artificial insemination. However, my babies are alive and well and growing inside of Sam. I have no idea how we could do this without your help. I don’t even know if Sam would be willing to try. I can promise you this though, if you insist on an abortion, you’ll lose me forever. This is not a joke. I’m not overreacting. This is plain and simple: life and death."

I lit another cigarette and walked outside. I thought about waiting for Mom, but realized that I had to get away from there. Halfway home I threw the cigarette away and began running. I had to get to Sam. Minutes later I was pounding on his front door. It took awhile, but finally he answered.

"Sam, you’re all right!" I screamed and hugged him tight. He looked at me like I’d gone round the bend.

"Why wouldn’t I be alright?" He asked seriously.

"Sam, will you marry me?" I blurted out of nowhere. I knew if I stopped and thought about it that I’d never have had the courage to ask him. He nuzzled my head into his shoulder.

"Shhhhhhh, Joan baby, it’s all right," he said smiling. "We’re already married, aren’t we?" He asked and held me tighter. I felt myself totally losing control. "Joan, of course I’ll marry you. If you hadn’t asked me, I was going to ask you.." I felt my pulse begin to soften. He loved me as much as I did him. We’d make a fantastic family. Our children would be perfect!

"Joan, I already have my mother’s written permission, do you have yours?"

He was full of surprises this evening. Hell, I didn’t even know it was a possibility before hearing Aunt Vivian explain it all. "No Sam, not yet," I said. "But, she’ll sign the forms or lose me and her grandchildren forever," I said with all the conviction I could muster.

Hopefully Mom was just overwhelmed with everything. Perhaps Aunt Melissa could help. How would I have ever handled any of this if she hadn’t been here. And, what would happen to everything when she left. She seemed to have a way about her. Mom was so much more relaxed when she was around. I had to get this all worked out and soon.

Sam and I hugged for a few minutes more. This time I did manage to rub his belly. I couldn’t get over the fact that there were two babies inside of him. We kissed goodnight and I headed back home. Thankfully, Mom hadn’t made it back yet. I needed to talk to Aunt Melissa alone. She was sitting in the living room petting the dog and watching the ten o’clock news when I walked in.

"How’s my favorite niece this evening?" She asked me with a smile.

"I’m fine Aunt Melissa but I’m worried about Mom. I thought she was OK with Sam’s pregnancy, but now I get the feeling that she’d rather we went the abortion route." A sudden silence ensued. She turned off the television and went and poured herself a drink. A thick plume of smoke filled the air as if out of nowhere.

"Well, what did you expect her to do? Dance a jig? Her fourteen year old son wants to be a girl and now "he" wants to be a mother as well. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not saying this to hurt you. Your mother just wants what’s best for you. You have to have an inkling about how hard it will be with two more babies in the household? I’ll grant you I’ve never in my life met a youngster as responsible as you are. It almost doesn’t make sense that you would have been so careless when it came to sex."

"Joan, I know for a fact that your mother is not in favor of abortion. She never has been. She was a major supporter of mine when I gave birth to your cousin. And yes, she was exactly the age you are now. Perhaps she just needs a slight reminder. I’ve never been a Great Aunt before." She laughed.

"Aunt Melissa, Sam and I can get married with Mom’s written approval. Sam already has permission from Aunt Alice. I know it sounds crazy, and I know we’re only fourteen, but I want our kids to start out on the right foot. Besides, if I was older, I’d marry Sam in a heartbeat if he’d have me. This obviously isn’t a puppy love kind of thing. I’ve loved him all my life. Everything about him is magic. And the way he makes me feel. He makes me feel like there’s nothing that I can’t do. When he’s around I feel this extra strength well up inside of me. I wish I could find the words…"

"You’ve done pretty good with the words there kiddo. Believe it or not, I know just how you feel. Now you stop worrying about everything, I’ll talk to your mother." She laughed. "Besides, I kind of like the idea of her being a grandmother before me. Holy Cow! She’ll be a thirty six year old grandmother. Speaking of your mother, where is she?"

"I left her at Darla’s and walked home. I guess she’ll be along soon. You don’t think she’s going to call my father to tell him, do you?" Something else to worry about. I was pretty confident of the relationship that I was establishing with Doreen. Perhaps Dad wouldn’t be such a problem after all. Besides, this would give him grandchildren that he’d otherwise never have.

"Don’t worry about your father, Joan. Your mother has things all worked out with him." I had no idea just what that meant. I went upstairs and got myself ready for bed.

It was closing in on eleven o’clock when Mom came through the front door. I only had the one job lined up for tomorrow. I wondered how Sarah was doing with sawdust in her pores? I’d bet she only took that job cause she thought she was taking it away from me. An evil smile crossed my face. Aunt Melissa’s voice snapped me back into reality.

"I think you should let the kids get married," she said. Fourteen years old and married. It almost seemed silly. Like we were two kids in a science fiction novel whose job was to repopulate the earth. Mom seemed just a bit confused by everything that had been happening lately.

"Is that what you want, Joan?" Mom asked and waited. "Do you have any idea how expensive it will be to transition into womanhood? And now here you are on the verge of becoming a parent. Does all of this strike you as somewhat absurd?" Mom may be walking a fine line of sanity, but at least she had a good grip on what was going on.

"Mom, I wouldn’t have chosen to have kids now. I realize that in a lot of ways I’m still one myself. I won’t lie to you though and tell you that I’m not excited about the prospect of sharing my life with Sam and the twins. I love him, Mom. I’m pretty sure that Aunt Viv will back me up with regard to my maturity level. We can do this, but it will have to be a team effort. Sam and I will need everyone’s support. I know it won’t be easy. Are you ready to welcome the son into the family that I never could be?"

"Joan, I’ve always thought of Sam as my own, you of all people ought to know that?"

We lapsed into silence. I made my way into the kitchen and decided to make hot chocolate for everyone. I smiled as I thought that Aunt Melissa would be attending two weddings during her visit home. I poured the mix into the cups while I waited for the water to boil. I heard Mom’s voice out in the living room. She was telling Aunt Mel that she wished her mother were here. I knew Grandma would be here in a few weeks for Melissa’s wedding. It would be a rare visit home for her. I don’t know why she and Granddad had never been a bigger part of our lives.

I brought out the hot chocolate and the ladies accepted it appreciatively. Mom lit a cigarette and looked up at me challengingly. I smiled at her and lit one myself. Funny, she never asked me where I got them from. A few weeks ago smoking had been one of the most important things going on in my life. Yes, it was all just a bit absurd. I sat there and tried to assimilate all of the information that had been presented to me in the last week. I needed to start formulating a plan.

"And here I thought I was just coming home for Melissa’s wedding," Aunt Mel said and laughed.

"So much has changed in the last few months I don’t even recognize my life anymore," Mom said and started crying. Aunt Melissa and I did our best to comfort her. I wasn’t ready to examine Mom’s words too closely though. She was right.

We stayed up for another hour or so and talked of another wedding. A simple civil ceremony. One that would raise more than a few eyebrows in the community. I went to sleep hugging Josam and Teddy. One for each of the twins.