Evanescence

Hi my name’s Raine.

I’m transgendered, a boy by an accident of karma. I believe I was a girl, a woman in every single life I lived before this one. I used to just dream about them in these strange dreams that I never really understood when I was younger. It wasn’t until I died but didn’t did things become clear.

Well not really clear. It was more like I had been unhappy most of my life. Not really like suicidal unhappy but like. Living in a deep pool of really murky water. Something was wrong in my life. Fundamentally wrong and for the life of me I didn’t know what it was. Until my 16th birthday. The day I got my license. I had fought with everything I had to scrimp and save and earn enough money to buy this really beautiful rust bucket of a 1989 Mustang. This was the car that was going to save my life. Instead it killed me.

See to explain I wasn’t your average guy. I was smarter than most. Kinda a geek and yet kind of average. I had three girlfriends but I couldn’t make it work out. I just couldn’t take the drama. I couldn’t get things right. Women bitch, pardon my French and guys, boyfriends ignore it, say they’re sorry or some other form of placation. No, not me. I bitched back. Not gay whiney bitch fits that the flaming types seem to throw, nor the yelling raging guy argument some guys do. No, I could follow all the little tangents they seemed to keep track of just as fast as they did.

Not what you want in a boyfriend.

After those three train wrecks I thought I was gay. Uhm…no. Now don’t get me wrong but I didn’t mind giving head too badly, loved getting it. It felt weird and off but??? I had no clue. And anal? Ow…never, EVER! Again. And doing that to the one guy I was with…shudder…you ever watch Ernest goes to Camp?…yeah, Eewww.

So I thought it might have been the kind of girls that I hung out with. Not really the cream of the crop at my school. I thought my having a car would get me to date at least the girls in the top 75-80% of the hot, decent girls in school.

Yep, I wasn’t just messed up. I was kind of selling out and headed towards being a dickhead eventually.

I bought a gram that night after the family deal and rolled a couple of joints and hung out with a couple of my friends Shaun and Mike both were kinda geeks but they didn’t mind me being messed up. I got stoned and I’ve been stoned before but…stoned, 16 years old in a car with way too much engine for me. I wrapped it around a power pole.

No seatbelt and I went through the windshield. I can remember lying in my own blood and it started to rain. It was so strange at the time that as I was dying I couldn’t help but think.
Every drop of anything is shaped like a womb…every drop of my blood, ever bead of sweat, every raindrop….

***
“Exactly my daughter.”
I’m still at the accident scene and looking at my body as the EMT’s work on me. I can feel myself but not see myself, or my spirit or whatever. What is however crystal clear is the fact I’m female. I can feel it and I know, I clearly know I’m a girl.
“Yes, yes you are.”
Okay…I looked around. There was this woman there. Now picture if you will The Goddess.

She doesn’t look like that.

Instead she’s about 5ft 7inches, and has hazel eyes, but this strange aqua tinted hazel like blue crept in there. She’d about 30ish not too young but definitely not old and tanned or dusky skinned but with straight long hair that is a medium brown with hints of red in it and blonde from being in the sun a lot. 36 C cup a Jenifer Lopez butt, a bit of fat in the abs like a lot of us and she looks like the tomboy model lovechild of every ethnic of earth. She’s beautiful, but not stunning…but her presence…She’s so literally woman that I’m remembering that I’ve always been one. I’ve been a woman in every life before this one.
“Yes, Raine until now.”
“Okay…What happened?”
“You were stunned and smoked too much dope and ran your car into the pole.”
I cross my arms, I don’t know how I know I’m doing that but I know I’m doing that and even standing with a hip cocked to one side.
“Funny, No I mean why am I a guy this time.”
“Asmodeus.”
“Guzsuntite.”
“He’s a Demon Lord he rules one of the hell planes and he hates you.”
“Why?”
“You killed him and he hasn’t been able to return to earth since.”
“So I’m getting for the moment who and why but how.”
“Genetics.”
“Huh?”
“Your mother was on medical steroids while she was pregnant with you and it pushed the odds of you being born a guy heavily in favor of you being born male, it’s all about the right hormones at the right or wrong times. I think he thinks this life might kill you for good.”
“Huh.”
“Conner Macleod, of the Clan Macleod you’re…”
“Funny, real funny, so I’m an immortal?”
“No, you’re you.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’ll find out.”
I woke in the hospital, the dream or whatever and the feeling of my soul being female clear and true.

I still dreamt but I remembered it.

I was in Spain and was a very strange girl. I was a young noble lady, that could ride and use a bow and a flintlock or Wheelock pistol and was deft with a foil.

I remembered my dream…I speak Spanish now, court Spanish…I can fence, I know how to dance. How to wear those dresses…

My Name is Raine Mathews and I am the Evanescence of the goddess. And I need to be a girl, and I have no idea what to do…