As I sat there in the church, I thought of how fragile and short life is. My friend Christy had found out she had Cancer and felt the pain would be too much to bear so she ended her life. She had been dealing with Bipolar Disorder all of her life and I guess the added news of her diagnosis proved to be too much. I had even had thoughts of doing the same thing. The stress of living my life to make my family happy was beginning to become too much. I spent twenty three years of my life trying to fit into a role as a son, grandson and brother. I was miserable. I sat there and listened to all the songs and the eulogies that were given and I decided that I could no longer wait. I knew that it would be tough, but I decided that I needed to be happy and at peace with who I am. I got up and went forward to offer my condolences to her mother and told her that I would never forget her daughter. I left the church and the words of one of my favorite songs kept running through my mind. They seemed to fit with exactly what my thoughts were at that moment.

As I drove home, I popped my Bon Jovi CD in and the song that would become my anthem came out of the speakers.

This ain't no song for the brokenhearted.
No silent prayer for the faith departed.
And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground.
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder, Make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky,Gotta make your breaks

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said " I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
"Cause It's my life

You better stand tall
When they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break
Baby don't back down

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
My heart like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause It's my life!
(Lyrics by Jon Bon Jovi)

I listened to the rest of the CD and pulled into my driveway just as the last song ended and shut the engine off.I went into the house and immediately began to thumb through the business cards in my wallet. I found the name and number of a therapist that one of my friends gave me. I picked up the phone and dialed her number and it was answered almost immediately. I was fortunate enough to get an appointment for the very next afternoon( Maybe it was a sign?) and felt like the ball was finally beginning to roll in the right direction.

I never got married because I knew I could never put a wife and children through the pain of a divorce later on. It just seemed that somewhere in my subconscious, I knew this day would eventually come. My parents,siblings and grandparents would have a really hard time with this, but I just could not continue to live this way. I called my parents and told them I had to talk to them about something really important. They wanted to know over the phone but I told them I was coming over. I changed out of my suit and put on a pair of jeans and a Polo shirt. I didn't think it would be a good idea to shock them with a dress, heels and full makeup yet. I don't know if my mother ever suspected I was dressing from early childhood, but I decided to go with the assumption that she hadn't. I headed out the door and started back down the road. My parents lived fifteen minutes away. My brothers were both at college and my sister was gone to Cheerleading camp for two weeks. I knew the whole family would have to meet together soon, but I felt I owed it to my parents to explain what was happening first. My resolve was set that no matter what they said to me, I would take a firm stand and not back down. I had lived my life for someone else long enough and it was time to make myself happy.

I pulled into the driveway and put the car in 'Park' and sat there to collect my thoughts. I needed to go in with a clear head and be prepared to leave if the situation got too heated. I opened the door of my car, stepped out and walked up to the front porch. Any other day I would have felt like I was walking to my execution, but today, I felt a sense of peace come over me and knew that somehow it would be okay. I opened the front door and saw my parents sitting in their usual places in the living room. Dad was watching a Red Sox game and Mom was knitting a new sweater for my sister's upcoming birthday. I came in and greeted them. I told them about Christy's service and they were very sad that such a young life was gone. I told them that I needed them to know something and the TV was clicked off. They both turned and gave me their full attention. I began by telling them that I was sorry I couldn't be a better son for them and told them I hoped they could still love me after I told them what I had to say. I just laid it all out there and told them all about my struggles with trying to be their son when I always felt like I should have been their daughter. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked for any reaction from them. Mom's eyes reflected my own and Dad was even showing wetness in his eyes. They both stunned me when they told me that they had known since I was a child. Mom told me that they thought it was just a phase I was going through. She told me that my sister Kellie even knew about me. She would confide in Mom that she hoped I would have the courage to come out and even the odds in our sibling rivalry's. Brandon and Billy were all boy and she suspected that I was really a girl. I felt like the burden was lifting from my heart and I smiled. They told me that they loved me no matter what and they had been worried about me for a long time. They said Brandon and Billy might have a hard time with it, but we would get through it. Mom asked me what my new name would be and I told her Allisa Elaine Bennington. She was touched that I was taking my late grandmother's name as my middle name. It also seemed fitting that I would would take her name because I just happened to live in her house. She had left it to me in her Will along with a sizeable monetary inheritance. I had just graduated from college with a degree in Business Administration and I own a successful chain of Women's clothing stores that I purchased when the previous owner could no longer run them because of failing health.

I gave them each a hug and told them I loved them very much. I called Kellie on my cell phone and told her that she was officially getting a big sister for her birthday. Mom and Dad even heard the scream of excitement through the phone. I wondered if I even had an eardrum left? I got her calmed down and we made plans to get together after she came home from Camp. She was looking forward to all the neat things we would do together. She said she looked forward to getting even with Brandon and Billy for all the mean things they did to her. She said two against two would be a lot better odds. I laughed and agreed! She even had a Part time job working in my office as a Teen fashion consultant. I prided my self with having a good feel for the college age crowd, but she knew the teenage demographic well because she was one herself. I secretly had plans to promote her after she graduated from High School next Spring.

I was worried about Brandon and Billy's reaction because both of them were big strapping linebackers for one of the best programs in the country. I had no doubt they would be future lottery picks in the NFL Draft. They did harbor quite a few negative attitudes toward LGBT people and gave me grief over owning a chain of Women's stores. I would not see them until Christmas and I hoped that Mom, Dad and Kellie would help explain things to them. I told Mom and Dad I needed to get going and I would call them later. They gave me a hug and told me they loved me. They said that they felt Grandma and Grandpa Bennington would be okay with me too.

I drove home thinking of new dreams and knew that I could persevere in my transition because I now knew I had love and support. My appointment went well for the next day and I was soon well on my way.

Epilogue

Here I sit in my office overlooking Boston Harbor. So much has happened over the last four years. I completed my SRS two years ago and continue to make Bennington Boutiques a household name. We even opened locations in Paris, London and Milan. Kellie runs our European operations and is loving life in Paris. Mom and Dad are retired and spending most of their time in Monaco. Brandon and Billy appeared in the Super Bowl last season on opposite sides. That was interesting! They were not even all that surprised when they found out about me. It turned out not to be such a big deal after all. They love their big sis anyway because I introduced then to a pair of twin Supermodels I have working for me. They both married them and now are expectant fathers. ( Guess who is going to be a Godmother?). I even have someone special in my life named Laurie. She is my soulmate. We married last year. I had a plaque made of the lyrics to the song and it proudly hangs on my office wall. I look at it and smile because "It's my life"

In loving memory of a dear friend Christy Justice Porter 1972-2004 We miss you so much!