All Rights Reserved.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
”I think we need to talk.”
”Isn't it a bit soon?”
”Maybe, but we are here now, so we better make the most of it.”
”True, but I didn't expect this to happen, at least not this soon.”
”I know, me neither, but it seems it was not our decision of when or if it would happen, but the fact we are here now means we have a lot of issues to work out.”
”First of all, I need to say that I'm sorry.”
”Sorry for what?”
”For everything I made you go though.”
”You have nothing to be sorry about, you protected me when I couldn't protect myself”
”That's not true, I didn't protect you, I locked you up, didn't allow you to live your life because I was afraid. I hid you in the shadows, condemning you to a non existence.”
”Maybe that's true, but I wasn't ready either to leave the shadows. You didn't locked me away, I did that myself.”
”Yes, but I could feel you trying to get out sometimes but I was so afraid and ashamed that I never allowed you to.”
”I know, but I think that if I really wanted to get out I would have. I was scared too, so scared of everything and everyone, and you kept me safe. I know you loved me.”
”I DO love you, but I'm scared, you are growing stronger now.”
”As it should always have been. You protected me, let me grow stronger so some day I could leave the shadows and have a happy life.”
”Still... I'm scared... terrified...”
”You don't have to be scared, there is no reason to.”
”But I don't want to die. I don't want to disappear.”
”You are not going to die nor disappear.”
”But why do I feel like I'm dying? I can feel you getting stronger by the day and I'm getting weaker because you don't need me to protect you any more.”
“You are not going to disappear because I love you and you'll always be with me. I share you pain I know how you feel, but you'll always be a part of me as much as I have always been a part of you.”
”I know, but I'm still scared, I never felt so scared in my life before.”
”Changing is scary, and we never dealt well with changes, we were always alone, afraid of the world, the bullies and even scare to tell our family. But that needs to change we can't hide any more.”
”That scares me too. What will people think? What our parents will say? And what about the rest of the family?”
”I have no idea what will happen, but we cant hide any more, I am ready and you did what you had to do. You led a miserable, unhappy life because of me, because you were protecting me and also ashamed of me. You loved me and hated me but I never blamed you for anything, you did what you had to do. You did what other people expected you to, and that brought you so much pain. Now its time for the healing to start. It's time to move forward and leave all the pain behind.”
”B..b...but how do you know I won't disappear?”
”You won't disappear because you are part of me, Andre, you ARE me as much I AM you, I love you and you'll always be part of me.”
”I know but its hard for me, Andrea. I'm scared, I...I d..don't think I'm ready to let go.”
”Oh, I think you are, or we wouldn't be here today, not like this.”
”What do you mean?”
”Can't you see it?”
”See what?”
”Andre, listen to me. WE are the same person we are one, we shouldn't be having this conversation, but we are and I suspect we will talk a lot more until we solve all our issues. Don't worry about disappearing, it won't happen. I won't let it happen.”
”Oh, I knew something was strange but couldn't put my finger on what. I think I can be a bit dense sometimes.”
”Just sometimes? Honey you have no idea how dense you are MOST of the time.”
”Hey, no need to insult me, you know.”
”I know, but you are so easy to tease, and we needed to lighten up a bit.”
”True, but no more insulting, ok?”
”Ok. But you know, you don't look so scared any more.”
”Now that you mention it, I'm not. I guess you are right, its time we move forward, I was just too blinded by fear to see it. Are you sure I won't disappear?”
”I'm sure, we both are the same person, the only difference is that you put on a mask to protect yourself from the bullies and the world, and your fear made us appear as 2 different people in order to deal with those issues. You are me and I am you, it has always been this way and it will always be.”
”I think you are right. Does it mean I'll see you again?”
”I think you will see me like this until we deal with all the issues. After that we will probably merge together like we were supposed to, so as you can see you won't ever disappear, we will just evolve.”
”Ok Andrea. You know I really love you, don't you?”
”Believe me Andre, I know, and I love you too”
”So... See you next dream?”
”I'm not sure about the next dream, but I think we will see each other in another dream when the time is right, we have a lot of road ahead of us, and our heart to heart chats will help us move on.”
”Bye Andrea, until next time.”
”Bye bye Andre, see you real soon.”
Comments
a fine debut
An effective dialogue, instantly recognizable to anyone who has ever partitioned off & hid a big chunk of herself away out of fear.
Yes it sure can seem like this at times. Welcome Andrea, and hope to see more of your stuff here soon!
~~~hugs, Laika
.
(Reminds me that I should be writing more stuff along these lines, less with the jokey-jokey & and more honest personal truth...)
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Thank you
Thank you for your comment Laika. This dialog is a dream I had last night and I felt the need to write it down.
I AM SO GLAD,
ALISON
'that you wrote your dream down.You covered a lot of thoughts and feelings that a lot of people will identify with.
Thank you so much.
ALISON
Thank you
Thanks Alison for your kind commend.
You must know that I've had this conversation so many times
...one of our names is the same, and one different, but you managed to say exactly how I feel sometimes; maybe a lot, and I thank you for giving voice to what I and maybe many others have felt. Thanks again.
She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea
Love, Andrea Lena
I wonder how common this is?
This is something I have been afraid to ask people until now. Now I'm so old it doesn't matter anymore. I have regularly had such conversations with different bits of me. A few times I have actually "physically" or at least perceptually split into separate beings. The very first time this happened was at University and at a dance. A "friend" gave me a drink that was far too alcoholic, unbeknown to me, and this followed three or so more, and I separated into me, a drunk who was in danger and flirting, and a very sober and angry and moral critic who stood behind me and mocked me, for my lack of control and lewd behaviour. Eventually some more genuine friends carried me away and locked me safely in a room in the college. When I awoke next morning the other me was at the foot of my bed, castigating me non-stop. In fact my second ich followed me about every day for a week, constantly bullying me about my errors. On the Friday evening, I had finally had enough. I threatened Other-me with taking us both to the Student Councillor, and that the result would be that we would both be put away as insane, unless the Uber-ich either reintegrated inside me, or buggered off and left me alone. Next morning when I woke up I was relieved to discover there was only one of me!
Some years later I got myself into a life mess that meant I worked in London and lived on an Island in the remote Highlands of Scotland, and commuted back home every Friday night, then in the opposite direction every Monday morning before dawn. This stretched me beyond endurance, and i found suddenly that I was able to withdraw from my body and sleep on the seat next to me whilst "George" the Autopilot took over in my shell and did the the driving! On one occasion there had been an accident ahead of us and "George", who was rather simple, poked me in the ribs and told me to wake up and get back inside as "he" did not know what to do, and for a while we had a struggle to get reintegrated, whilst the car went a bit eratic. Scary!
I have not found anyone else who can do this, but just wondered, if there are any others out there, can we swap notes?
Nice story Andrea, BTW.
Briar
Briar
:))
I think I recognize this very same conversation from somewhere... lol.
It's great babe!
Strange,
I've been thinking about this story for 20 - 30 minutes, I guess, or actually trying to remember how I was before I knew I was TS. I was 2 different people, a little, or I was one person that did a lot of things and tried to act, as well as I possibly could, that the me that did other things, like dress or fantasize, didn't exist. I guess I was a little like someone with multiple personality disorder (I know, it's not the up-to-date term), except I could remember. I was only one part of me at a time. I couldn't have a conversation between two parts of me, because I only had one consciousness.
I just gradually felt better about myself, (prozac helped very much) and decided what I wanted to do was more important than what my partner (at first the only other one who would know) wanted me not to do. I just gradually did more and more, until I met some other TSs and realized I wanted to do what they were doing more than I had ever wanted anything in my life! I think, at that point I was integrated; even though badly wounded by things and people.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Ready for work, 1992.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Curious memoir which
Sounds kind of familiar.
'Though John was never quite as separated from Janet as Andre here is from Andrea.
Somehow, John was always aware that he was not all there was, but just a mask, a suit of armor, concealing and protecting her real self, Janet, from failed expectations. . .
Fortunately, growing up in a college town, there were always plenty of geeks to hang out with, and no one really ever got onto John on account of not being macho enough. . . I hate to think how horible it might have been if I had gone to school where my much older sister did, a very small (population < 1000) very conservative town dominated by Evangelical Friends ("Quakers") and Southern Baptists.'
Just the sort of conversation
that thousands have had with themselves over the years.
Very well written, too.
Susie
novel... .but the best stories always are!
beautifully composed. thank you. G xx
Oh, that I'd been so calm!
I can remember my 5 year old brain deciding I was like Mom and not my stepfather. No, mental health practitioner seems to know the actual effect that being given a girl's name at birth, and being raised as a girl almost until then, had on me. There are various opinions.
Then there is the question of the Kariotype. I don't have the money for one, and at age 63, what good would it do? For the women I live with, it is plain that I am a woman. The fact that a genetic researcher, also my Imam told me that without a blood test it was imposible to tell, but he said I looked like I could be XXY or Xy brings some validation.
Then there is that period in our lives that happened to many of us. In the 50's they beat it out of us. I can vividly remember the deep shaming, and beatings that occured around all that. Some of it causes flashbacks so vivid, that I can hear the voices and feel the blows. I have done a lot of research about gender variant children before the 60's and it seems really likely that many were simply beaten to death. I am fairly certain that would have been my fate had I not broken.
So, then so many of us who survived go on to live a life, with wives and children, but for reasons not clear to me, late life emergence is pretty common among us. Part of it could have been due to declining testosterone levels, but much of it, I think, is due to the abandonment of our children, and the increasing independence of our wives. In my case, my X engaged in a lot of put down conduct. http://www.dumpyourwifenow.com/2007/03/01/the-anti-male-sham... in spite of the fact that I was the one who saw to it that she got her High School diploma, and went to College twice to get first her LPN and later her RN degrees.
We've talked before about the defining moment when we gave up and decided to live our real lives. From what I have read, there are similar causative moments in all our lives.
Hopefully, knowlege will increase, and some day a person who can climb a 175' tree to top it, or kill an enemy from 1000 yards, will one day be allowed to come home, shower and go out to dinner in a comfortable and very pretty dress.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
Warning, Warning
The above entry was 9:42 AM and now I am sorry I made part of it. The shaming tactics website brought it all flooding back for me, and right now I am very sure there is a Dragon loose in the room and afraid it is ME! I've been feeling little explosions of rage for the last hour or so and went and took a shower, and am now going out to buy a birthday card.
Please trust me on this, I am not going to go kill anyone, or myself. I just feel really shaky right now and if I could get in touch with my shrink we would be talking. If I don't calm down soon, I may call a crisis line, later. So, I am OK, but I just don't want someone else to get triggered.
I am very confused because those who know me will know that I basically do not have a temper. Been through so much that it just died. So, if someone is feeling a little shaky, don't go to that web site.
Erin if you want to get that link out of there, I understand.
I'll be safe, promise.
Gwendolyn
Heart to Heart Talk
I can see any who is contemplating SRS having this chat.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine