SRU: Kobayashi Maru

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SRU: KOBAYASHI MARU
by LAIKA PUPKINO
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James T. Kirk, a promising young Starfleet cadet, wanders into a shop called SPELLS R US with unexpected-

Well no, not exactly unexpected. For anyone familiar with the SRU story universe the results are just about what you'd expect.

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NOTE: WHILE I KNEW THE IMPORTANCE OF THE KOBAYASHI MARU INCIDENT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE, AS I SAT DOWN TO WRITE THIS I COULD REMEMBER NOTHING ABOUT THE DETAILS OF THE BATTLE SCENARIO ITSELF. WITH NO ACCESS TO THE INTERNET THAT WEEK, I TOOK A WILD GUESS, AND WOUND UP GETTING IT ALL WRONG, EVEN THE FACT THAT THEY WEREN'T ONBOARD THE MARU BUT WERE ATTEMPTING TO GO TO HER RESCUE. BUT SINCE THESE MISTAKES AREN'T REALLY IMPORTANT AND BECAUSE I LIKE THE SIMPLICITY OF MY VERSION I'VE DECIDED TO POST IT AS IS...
~~HUGS, SPACEPUP
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In the administration wing of the Starfleet Academy in San Francisco the review board sat behind a long conference table. The young cadet stood, facing the five of them, not seeing another chair and not having been offered one. It was a pretty hoaky intimidation gimmick, and Cadet Kirk wasn't impressed.

The elderly Admiral Jonathan Archer (ret.) spoke, "Congratulations Cadet. You are the first person in the history of this Academy to ever come out on top in the Kobayashi Maru scenario. This simulation was designed to give you no chance of winning, only different types of defeat, a fact that you were obviously aware of given the extraordinary lengths you went to in order to pull off this little surprise. Your going clear outside the known laws of causality was certainly resourceful, although it'll surely be disasterous to any future you might've had in Starfleet. The sheer recklessness of your altering reality itself cannot be ignored, and as soon as it's determined exactly what laws you broke I'm sure you'll be facing criminal charges, which at the very least should result in your expulsion from Starfleet Academy; Not to mention whatever civil actions will be taken against you by the unwitting participants in your..... whatever that was you did."

Archer paused to smile briefly, more as a form of punctuation than any display of warmth, "But such matters fall outside the purpose of this review panel, which is simply to judge how well you performed on this test. Prior to today, the best outcome any candidate managed to accomplish was to save the lives of a handful of their crew through the use of escape pods. And while we're all quite impressed with your success, there are those of us who feel you cheated by using such a-"

"Cheated?" exploded Kirk, "How was what I did cheating? Let's get real here, Gentlemen. I'm sure each of you. When you had commands of your own. Would have used any means at your disposal. To ensure the safety of your crew! And if it just so happened. That I had recourse to magic. How could I not make use of it?!"

The white haired Andorian Fleet Mother sternly levelled her antennaes at the young Earthling, "Need I remind you that this was only a training exercise?"

"But an exercise that I was expected treat with utter seriousness. As if actual lives. Were at stake. And that's exactly what I did," puffed the cadet, and pointed dramatically out through the window, toward the heavens, "Maybe I never have been in space. Yet. But I do know that out there. Where no man has gone before. When all that stands between survival. And annihilation. Is a thin blue line in the sand. The notions of 'going by the rules'. And 'playing fair'. Have no practical meaning! It's dog...... eat dog."

"Rules have no practical meaning?" droned the Vulcan instructor with that slight lift of one eyebrow that was his people's equivalent of a swear word. "There are thirteen million, five hundred eighty seven thousand one hundred and eight words in Starfleet regulations. Rules of conduct are the very backbone of Starfleet, and indeed the Federation of Planets itself. I have to admit that I find your professing to hold them in such low regard chilling, to say the least. Perhaps rather than applying here you would have been better suited to a career in the Klingon military, where you would find yourself freer to follow your 'inspiration'. Ignoring treaties, shooting civilians-"

"That's not what I meant! I'm talking about facing an enemy who has fired first. Who is bent on destroying you. When there's no longer any chance for diplomacy. Or measured response. Not one among you. Is some armchair quarterback. Who has learned all he or she knows about tactical engagement. From books. Or chips. Or lectures. So you know what I'm talking about! In fact, isn't this the very lesson of Kobyashi Maru? The reason it's on our curriculum? You may judge me as you see fit. But I offer no apologies. For managing to save my crew. Good day to you," snapped Cadet Kirk and strode out of the room, her pony tail bouncing haughtily against the back of her neck.

After conferring briefly the review board upheld this victory through magical means, awarding the brash young cadet the highest score ever on the Kobayashi Maru exercise. Because there really was nothing in the rules against the use of magic during training exercises. But in the future there certainly would be. This was Starfleet Academy after all, not some crazy school for wizards!

And of course Jim Kirk hadn't believed in magic either, until he actually used the silly fake-looking crystal the old kook had sold him, right there in the heat of simulated battle. It had proven to be a life altering decision...

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Ever since he had heard of this test with its no-win scenario Kirk had been determined to be the first person in the history of Starfleet to beat it. He just did not believe in no-win situations. The entire concept went against his every conviction about life. Against everything. He. WAS!

In the past few weeks he had read everything he could find about the original Kobayashi Maru incident, and about the training excercise that it became the basis for, with regard to how various former cadets had responded. Trying to find a solution, some angle that no one had hit on before. He could see several things that he might be able to do- if he just had a few more photon torpedoes, or if the ship hadn't lost warp capability; But these were no solution at all. The details of the scenario were set in stone.

Then he had a wonderfully audacious idea. If the parameters of the excercise wouldn't allow him to beat it, he would just have to change the parameters! Since what he had done would be right out in the open the instant the simulation began deviating from its familiar course of futile options, and since he would immediately take full credit for it he didn't see this as cheating, but as a statement. And whether or not the instructors would understand or agree with such a statement, he knew it was the right thing to do.

Donning a black turtleneck sweater and carrying the nifty "sonic screwdriver" (a little handheld tractor device with 1000 devious uses that he'd won in a card game off some goofy Englishman who claimed to have a time ship...); Jim had broken into the simulator center the night before it was his turn to lose the Maru with all hands on board ...... only to discover that his meta-solution had been anticipated. The software for the Kobyashi Maru simulation was locked up tighter than a Vulcan spinster's snatch. And maybe a Vulcan (like that snooty pedantic Cadet Sprocket or Spork or whatever his name was...) could make some headway against the Gordian knot of encryptions, but Jim knew he was beaten. Frustrated, but having to admire whoever it was that had outmaneuvered him, he went back to his quarters.

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By some quirk of scheduling Jim had no morning classes the day the test that was scheduled for, so he went for a walk through the city that the Academy sat in, hoping it might jog some last minute inspiration from his mind as the hours and minutes counted down. But though he kept turning the test over and over in his mind, it looked like the only victory he would be allowed would be a pyrrhic one- inflicting as much damage as he could on the enemy as the ship was lost, such as with a core detonation. This might gain him points with some of the reviewers but it wouldn't secure him that magical place in Starfleet Academy legend, in which wistful instructors would regale their classes in years hence with tales of James T. Kirk, the brilliant young scoundrel who had actually beaten the Kobayashi Maru scenario.

With beautiful views from every hilltop and rise, San Francisco was a city that still favored pedestrians. A fantasia of old and new, where modern plasteel spires soared up impossibly from amid blocks of exquisite Victorian gingerbread houses, and where the quaintly clang-clanging cable cars still competed with the infinitely more efficient intercity transporter stations (which also used cables, fiber-optic ones, to whisk people to a rematerialization pad at one of the 27 other METROBEAM stations). On any other day he would've been more appreciative of the sights around him, like the restaurants featuring the cuisine of every country on Earth now joined by Vulcan and even Tellurite eateries. Or the incredible antique shops along upper Market Street, some of which even had old gasoline-powered cars sitting in their front display windows. The kind of cars Jim liked: Furies! Chargers! Sting Rays! Jaguars! Testerosos!

But one shop did catch his attention as he strolled down the sidewalk past it. It was eccentric even for this town, and at first glance he wondered if it might be some kind of "hippie" museum. And in a way perhaps that's what it was. For only a hippie (from what little he understood about them, he just knew they had smelled bad and took a lot of LDS...) would be foolish enough patronize such a business. Because what it purported to sell----and seemingly with a totally straight face---was magic.

'Maybe that's what I need to beat this scenario, magic!' he thought, and just for the hell of it entered the little shop, called SPELLS R US. This should be good...

"Yes Jim, magic is exactly what you will want to have along when you take command of the Kobayashi Maru this afternoon," said the white-bearded old man in the bathrobe who stood behind the counter, "Your instructors will never see this one coming. And I can assure you they'll be quite impressed."

"How did you know my name?" asked the cadet.

"The same way I knew about your test this afternoon, and that you're wondering what that woman across the street there looks like naked. With magic."

"There's nothing magical about telepathy," smirked Kirk, "There are a number races in this part of the galaxy who are telepathic to some degree. And your guess about that hot blonde over there is hardly even telepathy..."

The shopkeeper sighed. "Then I guess I won't bother trotting out my other little attempts to show you I'm on the level. You'd just write it off as me having transporters and cloaking fields and relativity condensers hidden around the place. But believe it or not, I really am a wizard. And if you really want to beat that test at 1300 hours I'm the one who can help you do it."

"With 'magic', right?"

"Of course with magic. Magic is my business, my stock in trade. That and the espresso machine over there. I've really got to get that fixed. And no, I can't just wave my magic wand at it, it needs a whole new heating element ........ But assuming I actually could give you that ace-up-your-sleeve you've been wracking your brains to find, would you be interested?"

"That's a hell of a lot to assume. But if you could, then sure. I'll go along. What have you got?"

"Well now, I have a number of interesting solutions. But since you'd never believe anything I have to say and are only doing this as a lark, a colorful story to tell about the weird shop you found on Market Street and the 'character' who was running it, you'll wind up picking the cheapest option. Which is this," the Wizard held out a spiky pink and purple transparent crystal with the sheen of plastic.

"What's that?"

"It's depleted dilithium."

"What the hell is dilithium?"

"I have no idea," admitted the wizard. He deftly wrapped it in a scrap of old leather and held it out, "I just know it was indicated in your case. In itself it's quite harmless, except for the powerful little spell I've attached to it. That'll be six credits, if you're interested."

Six credits? Jim had expected this charlatan would try to take him for a lot more, and the thing really would make an unusual and cool-looking souvenir. He waved his Starfleet Credit Union chip over the scanner and took the little package from the man.

He started to stagger, caught himself. "Wow, that's ........ Why do I feel dizzy holding this?"

"Dammit Jim! I'm a magician, not a doctor. But if I had to guess I'd say that your body is somehow sensing its potential for altering reality. The crystal will do the same thing you were planning to do by reprogramming the simulator. Although far more comprehensively, and on a more sophisticated level. Put this in your pocket, and when you sense the time is right, crush it. There's no need to unwrap it. The parameters of your scenario will change drastically at that time."

Jim shook his head, fighting off his slight sense of light-headedness. He decided it would go away if he had a decent lunch. All he'd had for breakfast was an order of toast, which had come out of the replicator unexplicably soggy and he'd tossed it out after one bite. Maybe if he went to the student cafeteria the lithesome Cadet Uhuru would be there.

So why was he still even talking to this old fool? It was one thing to have a good line of guff as part of your sales pitch, but it sounded like the weirdo believed every word of it, as he went on about timeline mutation and how his worthless enchanted crystal would change-

"Not just the images you'll be seeing on the viewscreen, but the very structure of reality for everyone and everything within the confines of the simulator. And permanently I have to warn you, unless you say the reversal spell."

"Look Pops, this has been amusing, but I have somewhere I need to be. So if you'll excuse me."

"Please, I haven't finished," the old man exhorted him, "Because if you don't say these seven simple words-"

But the headstrong young Iowan was already gone.

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As he steered his little shop toward his next assignment (Paris, 1968) the Wizard laughed, "Oh that was just too easy! Like shooting fish in a barrel..."

His encounter with the once and future famous starship captain brought back fond memories of the early days of Spells R Us, before his reputation had spread across the internet and then the ultranet, making everyone so damn cautious. The heyday of prankster magic, when the customer had invariably turned out to be his/her own worst enemy.

Although he'd come a long way through time and space and across several orders of reality to find this particular James Kirk, so this could hardly be compared to the type of seat of your pants wizardry he was so fond of back then. His days of just picking a city, opening the doors and seeing what sort of miscreant-in-need-of-a-lesson would come wandering in were long past. Nowadays it was all about preparation and study, running model realities, making damn sure you weren't making things worse with your meddling or you weren't simply acting out of spite, just because the customer's personality had rubbed you the wrong way. Not as much fun but he slept better at night. And tonight (if those crazy rioting French students didn't keep him up) he would sleep very, very good...

The Alpha Quadrant would be a much safer place after today, and would see a marked decrease in the number of half-human bastards being born out there on the Final Frontier.

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Uhura was not in the cafeteria as he had hoped, but Jim had a bit of fun arguing Socratic method versus Kohlinar over sesame tofu salad with a lovely but far-too-serious young Vulcan cadet (But weren't they all too serious?); distracting her from her logical suppositions with his boyish charm, and with the hand that he had casually perched on her leg and was moving slowly up her thigh- until inevitably he was tossed halfway across the room.

Which he had pretty much expected, and he acknowledged the taunts and catcalls of the other cadets with a wry "Oh Well" expression. The fun was in the pursuit after all. Luckily he had landed gracefully, rolling and springing to his feet, so the crystal in his pocket hadn't suffered any damage. Which was sheer blind luck since he'd forgotten all about it...

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Nor did he remember he had it as he and a handful of his fellow students took their place in the simulator's replica of the Kobayashi Maru's bridge and familiarized themselves with the controls. He recognized all the cadets here, each at a station that befit his or her chosen field of study.

Sulu was the helmsman, Chekov controlling the ship's limited weapons array, Uhura at communication; and the haughty supercilious Spork just standing there like a dork, waiting to be asked the square root of five billion or whatever it was a "science officer" did. And Jim himself right in the center of this little make believe universe. The Captain's Chair!

He turned to face the sheet of one-way transparent aluminum that stood in for one of the bulkheads, from behind which he knew their instructors were watching, and nodded wryly- We who are about to die salute you!

Then the lights in the simulator dimmed and suddenly they were moving through space. Jim had been in simulators before but none anywhere near this sophisticated. Through the seat of his pants and the soles of his shoes he could even feel the faint thrumming of the massive warp engines far astern...

"Three ships entering sensor range," announced Sulu, "Classification unknown."

"On screen," ordered Kirk, and three ungainly tinkertoy-looking spacecraft appeared before them.

"Magnify," he said, which made them appear a bit larger. They didn't look particularly imposing, evoking the same instant "oh shit" response that say a Bird of Prey would, but he knew from having read up on the debacle of 46 years ago that they were fast, armed to the teeth and not friendly at all.

"They're closing on us, warp eight point five. Should I increase speed, Captain?"

Captain. Jim sure liked the sound of that. Knowing that no one had ever outrun them in this simulation, and that turning tail and fleeing at the first sight of alien vessels had resulted in very poor marks for those who had decided on this tactic (since you were supposed to behave as if you weren't perfectly aware of what you were flying into), he shook his head, "Hail them."

"No response, Captain," sang Uhura in her lilting voice. The rank sounded even nicer when she used it.

By now he had all but forgotten they were not out in space but in a room perched on gimbels right here on good old Earth, where even a hull breach wouldn't do any worse than let in the sunshine and fresh air.

"Should I raise shields, Keptain?" asked Chekov nervously.

"Captain," spoke Spock, "May I remind you that raising the shields at this point could be seen as a provocative act?"

Well duh, thank you Mr. State-the-Obvious, Kirk sighed, and hunched forward in his chair, "Not yet, Chekov. Alright Mr. Sulu, bring us around. Let's be facing our welcoming committee when they get here."

"Keptain!" squealed Chekov, "Dey are firing!"

Kirk shouted, "Raise shields! Return fire!!"

This was it. The moment in which the Kobayashi Maru had been too badly crippled to mount an effective response. He knew his performance so far had been very average and by the book, and he'd done nothing to distinguish himself. If he was ever going to pull off a miracle, now was the time to-

A MIRACLE! He remembered the crystal in his pocket, and not having any other great ideas brought his fist down on it, hard!

For an instant the interior of the simulator was lit up by a brilliant pink flash that seemed to come from everything and everyone in the room. When Kirk could see again, the wobbling balls of energy that the alien vessles had sent their way were going wide- missing the Kobyashi Maru by mere meters.

What the hell? They weren't supposed to miss. They never missed...

"They're hailing us now," came an unfamiliar male voice.

"Then by all means, put them on," Kirk replied, his own voice sounding damned unfamiliar too for some reason.

On screen came a view of the battle bridge of one of the alien destroyers, which was manned not by the tentacled monstrosities he had expected to see, but by a gaggle of wholesome mid-twentieth century school girls, in pigtails and cute little jumpers---the oldest of them couldn't have been more than eleven years old---who were dwarfed by the massive sinister high-backed chairs they sat in. The one in the center spoke, "Oops! I am like so, so sorry! I think I pushed the wrong button. This is my daddy's boat."

"Well try to be more careful. Your daddy's ship appears to have some powerful weaponry."

"I guess so, huh? Well, um, what we wanted to know is, like- Do you know which way it is to the Mall of the Universe? We're kinda lost..."

Kirk pointed, with an arm that felt surprisingly light and fragile, and smiled, "It's that way. I'm pretty sure..."

"Oh, okay. Thanks Lady! And sorry about the whole disruptor bubble thing," smiled the girl, and the three ships departed.

Kirk reflected that he had certainly gotten his six credits' worth by purchasing the old wizard's magic crystal. He had beaten the Kobyashi Maru scenario, although at a rather unexpected cost.

Uhura was now a tall good-looking African man, possible Bantu, Sulu was a svelte little Asian chick with silky black hair clear down her back, and even Spork was looking pretty good right now- her finer features making the bangs on her forehead seem far more appropriate, staring back at him with that cool regal self-contained bearing that he'd always found so annoying in Vulcan males and so attractive in Vulcan women. And Jim himself...

He looked down at the front of his uniform and thought distractedly, 'Wow. I'd marry a set of tits like that!'

Just as the house lights came up, marking the end of the simulation's run, and a second or two before the phalanx of Starfleet Security stormed in---demanding to know what the hell was going on here---the stout Slavic woman that Chekov had become slid her hand down into the front of her uniform's slacks and wailed, "Keptain! What hev you done?!!? I HEV A WEGINA!!!!!"

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[[[ For Andrea Dax. You are such a Tril... ]]]
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http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--oHIdlwZ3...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpjM7xc7SXw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LAA9SK2sM4&feature=related

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Comments

Oh...Jamie...can you possible tear yourself away from

Andrea Lena's picture

....all that? Jamie? James? Who cares....she's her biggest admirer anyway. Jamie, can you please come to bed? Kobyashi Maru becomes a win-win situation! Love this story, from one Trekker (no, not Trekkie) to another. Andorian-Trill (sorry, didn't know how to get the spots) hugs and kisses! Reposted to reflect my ongoing admiration for the author of this delightful piece!


She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Alternate Realities

Well, the wizard did say he'd crossed a few realities to get to this particular Kirk. Oh My, and I thought the Mirror, Mirror Universe was strange. :) I rather liked the difference. The question now is just who is aware of exactly what. Star Fleet knows the sim has been monkeyed with and the cadets are obviously aware of having Weginas now,(LOL) but is Star Fleet aware of the sex changes too?

Only you could come up with a SRU and Star Trek fan fic Laika! LOL Nicest laugh I've gotten all day!

Hugs!

Self admitted Trekker

Grover

SRU: Kobayashi Maru

Well, in Turn About Intruder, Kirk did switch bodies with a woman, but this is much funnier

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

This ain't the first time!

I remember in the book The New Voyages 2 (which was a collection of short stories with an intro by each of the main characters, and I had mine signed by Jimmy Doohan!), the story "The Procrustean Petard".

The story dealt with a planet which gave out a siren song, but was in reality a trap. The planet had an automated system which abducted a random member of the crew and changed their gender except for the one male it deemed Alpha and gave them an extra Y chromosome.

They learn Kang has been caught too and his all-male crew is now all-female.

Pretty interesting story and how it's resolved is interesting too!

Hey Laika!

This was great! I always disliked James Kirk, and, thereby, liked next generation much better. Typical SRU customer, doesn't believe anything, won't listen and gets carried away by the spell; just deserts. Much funny, too.

Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee

Ready for work, 1992. Renee_3.jpg

Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee

Kobayashi Maru...

Between absolutely hitting the Captain Kirk character on the head, to Chekov's story ending exclamation, a true to form mix of SRU and Star Trek.

This story has Laika written all over it. Thanks for sharing it.

Miss Kirk... I don't.

How delightful to realise that after all these years I'm not the only person in the world who thinks Kirk was a puffed-up nitwit. I loved Star Trek, but it was purely the escapism and the wonderful character of "Spork". And, yes, I always wished I could look like Uhura.

XX
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Mighty Laika Rose

joannebarbarella's picture

Or should that be....Mighty. Laika Rose.....or maybe....Mighty Laika. Rose!

I really don't know. How I. Missed this one. I think I. Was still away over Xmas/New Year. With limited computer. Access. That's my only. Excuse, anyway.

I know I normally make a beeline for ANY new Laika story.

Our resident voluptuous, vivacious mad genius (Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!) has produced a lovely skit here that actually really does encapsulate Kirk's egotistical, damn-the-torpedoes, personality, as well as all of. Shatner's acting skills.

He was even worse when he thought he could write.

Actually, I always thought the Wiz disguised himself and became a member of the crew. Which one? Well, Scotty, of course.

Beam me up, Captain Laika! Ivana Wegina,

Joanne