Five for Fifty (Chp.1)

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“No matter what happens … no matter whether or not you grant my wish … I just want to say how much I appreciate your friendship. You’ve been kind and patient and compassionate, helpful and honest and … most of all … been there when I’ve needed you. Thank you.”

Five for Fifty
Chapter 1: Homecoming

by Maggie the Kitten



Today was Cierra’s birthday, and in accordance with a tradition started four years ago by her co-worker and best friend Terry, it meant there would be a quiet celebration in her honor at their favorite Mexican restaurant: Acapulco Joe’s. Over the past three years, Terry’s three daughters had been in attendance. That made Cierra’s special day even more special as she adored the girls. Their presence always seemed to bring out the little girl in the middle aged woman, and sadly it was that very fact that forced Terry to not include her girls on the guest list for her friends fiftieth birthday.

There is a little girl or little boy within every adult, but with Cierra or “Cici” as Terry had christened her shortly after they started working together, her inner child had gone wild over the last year. What started as coming to work with her hair in pigtails, decorating her room in Disney Princess and writing stories where she magically turned into a little girl, had developed into an unhealthy obsession. It had become so severe that the adult’s ability to function at work and in her private life was now in jeopardy. Terry loved her friend dearly and had tried to help her with this problem, but as the mental illness grew, so did Cierra’s dependence upon Terry and her desire to magically transform into a little girl who would be Terry’s daughter and baby sister to the first three.

At about the same time that Cierra’s fantasy wish became a real life obsession, another character entered the story. David, another friend and co-worker to both women, became far more to Terry. Their close friendship had blossomed into a deep and beautiful love. By Cierra’s birthday they had been engaged for several months and a wedding date had been set for July of next year. Cierra was absolutely over the moon for the two of them. No one was happier that these two had found each other than she was, but even that joy became twisted and distorted by her illness as David by taking Terry’s hand, went from friend to fantasy father figure in Cierra’s dream world.

David and Terry had discussed the troubling situation concerning their mutual friend and decided rather than end the friendship, they would try to put up boundaries to maintain their comfort level and hopefully discourage Cierra from heightening her obsession. They continued to take lunch with Cierra at work as they had for the last few years, but they limited contact or invites to activities outside work, especially those at their home. Sadly for Cierra, this meant she rarely ever got to see the girls, her sisters in spirit as she thought of them. Neither David nor Terry fancied having to impose these restrictions on their friend, especially knowing how much she adored the girls, but as good parents they could not in good conscience subject their children to someone as emotionally unstable as Cierra.

Cierra understood and tried to respect the boundaries, but it was evident by her increasingly obsessive behavior and general emotional instability that that her illness was progressing. David and Terry found the time spent with their friend to be less and less enjoyable and increasingly uncomfortable as others at work had begin to note and comment on the unhealthy connection Cierra seemed to have to them. The last thing either of them wanted was attention of any kind as they had decided to keep their romantic relationship secret until after the wedding. Yes, Cierra had been taxing their patience and compassion, but when her illness involved the comfort level of their children or jeopardized their positions at the company, David and Terry had no choice but take whatever action they deemed necessary.
 
 
Now at this point, most people would have simply ended the friendship. Certainly, Cierra had given them every reason to do so, but … at least for now, they decided to stand by their friend and not completely shut her out of their life. A simple question would be “Why?” Why would they allow themselves to be put through all that drama by a friend? The answer however, was not so simple. It was more than the fact that they cared for Cierra, which they did very much. It was more than the fact they were kind and compassionate people. It was more than the fact that they knew she was ill and some of her behavior was beyond her control. What perhaps tipped the scale in their friend’s favor was they understood that her obsession about magically becoming a little girl came from the fact that she had never got to be one in the real world.

Cierra was denied her rightful time in play dresses, pig tails, and Disney Princess pursuits when she arrived in this world trapped in a boy’s body. Cierra was transsexual, someone whose physical gender is the opposite of what their mind, heart and soul are. Cierra grew up as an invisible, silent observer to life, watching girls, other girls, have the childhood she could only dream of and cry for. She was thirty before she learned she could do something about breaking out of that body prison she thought was a life sentence. At 31, she began the long process of transition which culminated three years ago when she had gender reassignment surgery. Legally and physically she was now recognized as female and accepted as such by her coworkers. Save for childbirth, she could have as full a life as any other woman her age, but age was the problem. Despite the fact she was physically celebrating the big 5-0 today, emotionally … to the very depth of her heart and soul, she was still that little girl who longed to have and do all the things most any other little girl wanted. She wanted safety, acceptance and love, and she wanted those things where most children hope to find them … with her family. For Cierra that place, that family was the one with her two friends and their daughters.

Terry and David understood and empathized as much as anyone could who had never known what it was like to be born in the body of the wrong gender. Their hearts went out to their friend and they stretched their patience and their tolerance to the limit in trying to maintain the friendship. Terry had spent long hours talking to Cierra, encouraging her while she was in therapy, and trying hard to help Cierra help herself, but in the end both Terry and David realized there was little they could do for her. Today however, was a small exception. No … they couldn’t wave a magic wand and make her a real live playground princess, but they could take her out for a birthday meal and should the little girl peek out, which they were sure she would, they could let her have her evening. For David and Terry, it would be a night where they would spend thirty dollars for food and drink, endure three hours watching their middle aged friend bounce in her seat like an eight year old and then get mauled by a tearful hug monster when they dropped her off at home. For Cierra … it would be a night where she could be as close to her dream come true as she had ever known … possibly ever would know. She could be herself … or at least as close as she could get to it, but most importantly it would be her night with the two people she loved and loved to be with most of all. The fact that she was getting Mexican food just made it all the more perfect. It was with those expectations in mind, that the threesome left work and headed for Acapulco Joe’s.

Joe’s was on the Northwest side of town which was a good thirty minute drive from work in rush hour traffic, but only a few minutes away from what Cierra considered the promised land: Terry and David’s house. The happy couple in the front seat was just that, as away from work, they too could be themselves. The love they shared was evident as their hands found each other and their conversation was warm, comfy and light hearted. Cierra sat where she knew she belonged: the back seat and listened while her friends and fantasy parents talked. Most of the conversation she didn’t understand as it was mostly personal chit chat between David and Terry and when she did find something she could comment on … quite often her remark wasn’t recognized. She leaned back in the seat and smiled as she realized her best friends were giving her the child’s treatment without even realizing it.

Cierra smoothed her knee length pleated skirt and wiggled Mary Janes off her white stocking toes. She shook her head gently just to feel her pig tails bounce which immediately brought a smile to her lips. She snuggled in her navy blue school girl’s sweater which brought much needed warmth to an always cold Cierra. Again the smile returned as she thought about how her Terry was always cold too.

“I got that from my Momma”, she thought … knowing better than to dare say it.

She was being indulged tonight because it was her birthday and because the two people in the front seat loved her. No … they didn’t love her like the daughter she so wished she was … but could never be. They loved her like a good friend and that was all she could ever be. She realized that and appreciated the sacrifice of time, money, and their personal comfort level to give Cierra “her night”. And … like any other kid … she was going to make the most of her birthday and push the limits on this night that she wouldn’t on any other … but … she couldn’t get so swept away that she went too far. She had to be careful that she didn’t abuse this precious one night privilege or the repercussions come Monday at work could be quite severe.

Cierra was already pushing the envelope by wearing her school girl attire and bringing along her pink Eeyore backpack. Fortunately for Cierra and her two escorts, fifty year old women can sometimes get away with cultivating the “little girl” look, so … Cierra’s appearance should get her no more looks than those she normally got due to her questionable gender, although the backpack might push it over the top. David and Terry seemed prepared to take a minimal amount of public embarrassment in her honor as neither had commented negatively on her attire. Cierra also knew she could bounce and be bubbly in the booth. She could sigh dreamily whilst she watched David and Terry snuggle and hold hands. She could ask permission to do things that no adult woman would need to and maybe … just maybe when it was time to say goodbye … she could hold hugs just a little bit longer, let tears flow without fear and drop the “M” word with Terry when she said she loved her.
 
 
Cierra pulled out her stuffie from her backpack and held it close as she wondered if she dare ask the question that had been on her mind all day and really for the last few weeks. Would she be pushing it too far to ask this of them? On one hand it was kind of a big thing, especially to her, but on the other … it was just five minutes. How could five minutes really be a “big thing”? It would be totally in private and … they really wouldn’t have to do anything. All they had to do was just be there and the rest would be up to Cierra … or more aptly the little girl who lived within. Of course to ask the big question, she had to ask a little one first and as she readied herself to interrupt the conversation up front … that little question felt awfully big.

“Terry?” asked the mouse in the backseat.

Terry turned away from the man she adored. “I’m sorry. Did you say something Cici?”

Cierra clutched her stuffie a little tighter and nodded. “Umm …”

She forced herself to speak above a whisper. “I was wondering … that is if you don’t mind … could we stop by your house for a few minutes?”

David turned to Terry who had heard the request and gave her the same puzzled look she gave to Cierra.

“Why do you want to stop by our place? You know the girls aren’t there and if they were …”

“Then we couldn’t go there”, Cierra with sadness heavy in her voice, finished for her friend.

Cierra squeezed her stuffie a little tighter. “I … know they’re not there and that’s why I’m asking if we can stop by.”

Terry shook her head, still puzzled by her friend’s odd request. “Then why do you want to stop by the house?”

“Because … well … I want to ask you …” Cierra turned her attention toward the driver. “I want to ask both of you something … something really important and I don’t want to do that in the car or at Acapulco Joe’s. I want to do it at home … well … your home. Please?”

The pained expression on Terry’s face said she really wasn’t too thrilled by the requested detour or the prospect of what Cierra’s question could bring.

Cierra leaned forward. Her blue eyes begged even before her words did. “I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important and … and … the kids won’t be there … and it’s not really out of the way. I promise it won’t take really long. I … I just want to do this … want to ask you this and I just can’t do it at the restaurant.”

“Oh Cici”, Terry said with a sigh and a frown.

Cierra seeing it all slip away without even getting a chance, pushed all of her chips in. “It’s my birthday wish okay? I’m entitled to a birthday wish aren’t I?”

“You’re birthday wish is to come our house even though the girls aren’t there?”

Terry smiled hoping to defuse what she thought could be a dangerous or at least uncomfortable situation. “Gee Cici … I know you like animals but I didn’t think you’d blow your birthday wish on a visitation with Duchess the cat.”

Any other time she could coax a smile out of Cierra with little more than a wink and a smile of her own, but not this time.

“My wish isn’t just to come to your house. It’s to come to your house to ask you something … and it’s the something that’s my wish. Please … please say yes. It is my birthday you know … pleeeeeeeze?”

Terry turned to the handsome hunk behind the wheel for a little guidance and got the same grin he flashed whenever one of the “other” daughters tried to work her for something. Realizing it was solely on her shoulders to be the good guy or the bad one she turned back to face her friend.

Hope in Cierra’s blue eyes greeted her. “Damn those eyes”, she thought before giving in. “Okay Cici … you win. We’ll stop at the house for a minute, but only a minute.”

“Umm …” squeaked the little mouse again. “Can I have five minutes?”

Terry turned back around and eased down into her seat, “Yes Cici … five minutes.”

“Yeah!” squealed Cierra as she did a victory wiggle in the backseat.

Terry rolled her eyes and looked over at David whose grin had grown to a fully fledged smile.

“Don’t”, she warned.

“What?” he pleaded mock innocently, as he shifted lanes to head for the house.

Terry pointed her finger at him. “Just don’t say a word.”

David sexy smiled and then gave her a wink that brought a smile to her face and finally a laugh for both of them. A giggle from the backseat made it unanimous.

Ten minutes later Cierra’s heart raced as they passed through the black iron gates that lead to the condo she so wished was her home. When they pulled into the garage, Cierra took her time gathering her belongings and her thoughts. This question … Terry and David’s answer … and the five minutes afterwards if they said yes, could be … no would be … the most important event of her life … at least what was left of it. For once … she couldn’t give into fear and she couldn’t fail to give her best. She had to win … win them over just enough for five minutes grace. She had to find the words … and while words were never a problem for the long winded fantasy writer and chatty cat … she had to find the right words … no … the perfect words to describe feelings, wishes, wants and fears that no story she’d ever written had done justice. Her life … the life she’d spent a lifetime waiting to live and may never have another chance to get this close to … depended on her pitch.

Cierra wiggled out of the back seat and picked up her stuffie and book bag. She smiled dreamily as she watched Terry’s hand find David’s as they walked in the back door. She shut the car door behind her and then followed them but dawdled on the way … taking the time to drink in the feel and the magic of the place her heart knew was home, even if no one else recognized her as belonging there.

She stopped just short of the door and looked heavenward. Her voice was a whisper. “Don’t know if you’re there … don’t know if you’re listening … but if you are … please give me this. I don’t think five minutes is asking for so much is it? I’d like you’re blessing on what I’m about to try and do. I’m going to need all the help I can get, but … if you can’t condone this or help me … then please … please don’t stop me. I … I just want one … real … chance.”

“Cici you coming?” came a voice that lit a fire under the dawdler and ended her prayer without an amen.

“On my way Mmm … err … Terry!” Cierra forced herself to correct with a giggle as she bounced pigtails inside.

Cierra walked into the kitchen; voices from the living room told her where David and Terry were. Once again she took time to take in bits of home. The kitchen was always a hot bed of activity on her visits there. There were delicious smells from holiday cooking, loads of chatter and giggles from the girls as they passed through stealing tastes … and asking if it was done yet, but doing little to help things along. It was the place on her last visit she watched Terry and David co-chef the meal and taste test each other’s lips … frequently. Cierra looked at the freezer and then the pantry. She smiled when she thought of all the late night cookie and ice cream runs made here by kids who thought Mom would never know. Oh the innocence of youth.

From the kitchen she walked into the living room. The table was clean and in order now which only proved the girls weren’t home. Cierra knew normally it was usually a hot bed of activity and disorganization. Open school books … and an unhappy kid struggling with fractions … dinner in various stages of eating … a daughter seated with cell phone buried in ear … chairs filled with bums and conversation anywhere from serious to absolutely absurd … were all the things Cierra knew she’d find there any given night.

A turn to her right found the living room and Terry and David seated and waiting for her. She headed their direction but stopped one last time as another right led to the stairs leading to the bedrooms. On her visits there she’d hadn’t spent a lot of time upstairs, but she was familiar with each room and her heart ached to call one of them her own or at least shared with a sister. A glance at the landing brought a smile and a sense of ownership. The landing was “her place”. Well … she had to time share it a little with Miss Duchess the cat, but she didn’t mind the company.

Her thoughts turned to visits past where somehow she always ended up sitting on that landing … petting Duchess and looking through the posts at the family below. It was the perfect vantage point to see everything … to commit every action … every sound to precious memory. A sad smile turned at her lips as she looked at the posts … wooden bars to a prison they were, because even when she was here … she still sat behind them and watched the action rather than be a part of it.

She entered the living room and her eyes went directly to the center of the carpeted floor. This too was another of “her places”. The couch to her right and the chairs to her left and behind her were open seating to all the family members, although certain members claimed their bums had made personalized impressions on certain ones which gave them rights of ownership. Cierra however … chose the wide open spaces of the floor. This kept her close to everyone and if only in her dreams … would give her room to stretch out and color … or pounce into any available open lap … or to just watch television.

“Television”, she thought. From the stories Terry had shared with her she reminisced about all the movie night marathons, fav tv show nights and video game battles that had transpired on that set or the many before it. No … she hadn’t been there, but it didn’t take much imagination for her to see one extra hand in the popcorn bowl or one more sister spooning with the others on the living room floor during a late Saturday night.

The stereo attached to the television held special significance too. The entire family loved music. David and Terry had very good voices. Rose had a great one. Donna had the best bum and the dance moves to go with it. Victoria made her contribution with the guitar or her base. Cierra didn’t have much to contribute on the music front. She couldn’t sing or dance or play an instrument and what music she did like … was as dated and out of touch as she was. But in her dreams of being a part of this family … she knew somehow she would have been a contributor. Even if she couldn’t play or sing … even if she still had a bad knee and two left feet … she would dance. All the girls danced … especially on the weekends where Terry would turn down the lights, turn up the radio and do their own version of Top of the Pops. Yep … even if it was the wobbly legged “Cici Hop” … she would have danced with her Momma and her sisters in the dark. She would have contributed. She would have belonged.

“Earth to Cici!” Terry’s voice gently prodded Cierra and brought her back to the here and now.

David and Terry were seated on the couch. David tapped his wrist watch. “Whatever it is you want to ask … I think you need to ask … that is if we’re going to get a decent table at Joe’s.”

“Yeah Cici”, Terry rubbed her tummy and smiled hungrily. “I’m starvapating over here, so you best get a move on it girl. The clock is running on your five minutes.”

Terry was just gently trying to move Cierra along as she would any of her dawdling daughters. She had no idea of the scope and importance of the question and the five minutes Cierra had asked for. However; the wide eyes and color drained face she immediately saw after her prompt gave her a clue. Cierra’s outburst that followed removed all doubt.

“No … wait! You can’t start the five minutes yet!” Cierra bounced before them nearly jumping out of her Mary Jane’s.

She was begging and on the verge of tears and hysteria. “Please … I have to ask the question first! And … and then if you say yes … then the five minutes start. Okay? Okay? But not before … not before!”
 
 
An excited little girl reminding her parents of the rules of a promise … was normal and sometimes even a little cute. Seeing this behavior from a frantic fifty year old in school girl attire was … well … unnerving … uncomfortable and troubling. For Terry it was just another instance of her friend’s mental instability … her never ending emotional rollercoaster ride that had kept her from inviting Cierra over while the kids were at home. Terry dealt with it this time as she often did when it happened at work.

“Cierra”. Her voice was sharp. Her delivery was calm and slow. “Okay … settle down … Chief Antsy Pants. You’ll get your full five minutes.”

The cool, calm and special brand of Terry humor had its desired effect. Cierra stopped jumping and starting breathing once again, but unfortunately she kicked into hyper apologetic mode.
“I’m sorry … I’m sorry. I … I didn’t mean to. It’s … it’s just really important and … I have to do this right … and … and”

“Cierra”, David took a turn at calming Cierra and moving her along. His voice was calm but firm. “You’re fine. Calm yourself and just ask … the … question.”

Cierra nodded several times and then took a deep breath. David and Terry were raising the curtain. It was show time.

Cierra looked into the faces of the two people she loved as friends and as fantasy parents. She saw patience, compassion and encouragement in their eyes. She smiled inside realizing that in all realities and in all sizes … she always looked up to them … even when they were seated.

“Okay …” she started as she fidgeted like the little girl she so believed she truly was. “I have one last thing to say and then I promise I’ll ask the question.”

“Go on Cici” Terry tried to gently push her along.

“No matter what happens … no matter whether or not you grant my wish … I just want to say how much I appreciate your friendship. You’ve been kind and patient and compassionate, helpful and honest and … most of all … been there when I’ve needed you. Thank you. I know I’ve frustrated the absolute ‘you know what’ out of both of you but you never gave up on me. You’re good peeps and no one on Earth is happier than I am that you found love with each other and thanks for making me feel like family even if I’m not.”

“Terry”, she turned to the woman she most wished she could grow up to be like if she ever got a second chance. “Thanks for sharing so much with me. You’ve shared lunch … you’ve shared after hour conversations … you’ve shared your home and your daughters … you’re shared wisdom and hugs and truth and a few well chosen beautiful little lies on occasion that made my day. Thank you … you will always have a special place in my heart no matter what place we have in each other’s life.”

Cierra punctuated her statements with a trademark hug and then knew it was finally time for the main event.

“Okay … okay … now this is my birthday … which is why we’re going out for Mexican and why we’re here … right? Right! So … as we all know … part of the birthday tradition is a birthday wish.”

Cierra stopped momentarily just to be sure the audience was following along. Seeing nothing but undivided attention and growing impatience … she pressed on.

“Well … I think we all know what would be my birthday wish. Right? Right!”

Once again she did not give them a chance to answer the no-brainer.

“But … we also know that wish can’t come true … so … I would like to ask you … both of you … for my second choice … my second best birthday wish … which is sort of kinda related to first wish … but not exactly the same or it wouldn’t be the second wish … it would be the first one … so that’s why it’s the second one …”

“Cici”, Terry had to derail the runaway C-train before her birthday dinner became a day after breakfast. “Just ask the question … please.”

Cierra nodded and then took a deep breath. “My question … my second best birthday wish is … can … could … I have five for fifty … just five minutes of the life I’ve always dreamed of and being your little girl as my gift for the fifty years I’ve spent living in a body and life that should never have been mine?”



To Be Continued...
 

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Comments

Maggie, I Can See Where This Is Heading,

And am waiting to see how you tell your fantasy.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

not sure fantasy

laika's picture

is where this is heading. The tags at the top hint at a much more troubling tale, a different sort of story for Maggie, though new tags might appear over future chapters, making this hunch of mine totally wrong. Be interesting if this one didn't include magic wish fulfillment and age regression; And there's no saying it couldn't have a happy ending in that case, even if it isn't the one the womanchild Cici might hope for, but maybe finding her way to a satisfying compromise with her obsession, acceptance and appreciation of her lot in life and that there are those who love her.

I'm loving this one so far; it hits home for me, those friendships I've had with emotionally ill people, the uncomfortable issue of setting boundries with someone who'd happily spend their life sitting in your lap & being read stories while you need your own life to stay sane (Although I suspect there are those for whom I'm that weird needy friend, who they love but don't wanna watch cartoons with all Saturday & Sunday every damn week, or whatever...)

~~~hugs, Laika

hope I wont disappoint you

I wont give things away if I can help it ... but I did try to make this one a bit different. I set out to keep it on the edge of what reality had to offer and to take a cold hard look at the madness, the pain, the desire, the joy and the sorrow and how it affects not just the one who is sick but those around them who care. It's trying to step outside the madness to describe it. I don't know if I've done it justice ... perhaps in the end I will come up short or fall back on old habits. I guess the readers will decide. I simply wrote what the "moose" whispered. Hope you enjoy. Hugs Maggie

Maggie, I found your story

Maggie,
I found your story start interesting and I was most happy when I saw your main character was named Cierra and had the nickname "CiCi". I have an 11 year old granddaughter whose name is Cierra and yes, her nickname is "CiCi. So naturally, you will realize I will follow this story to its end. Hugs to you,
Jan

Saw the "Real World"

...tag in the header and decided to take a look. Certainly an interesting start, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it's headed, though I have an ominous feel about what happens after her five minutes are up. Thanks for posting.

Eric

A real story

ALISON

'about real people,with real problems.You may say that
CiCi is not normal,but what is??Everybody has some sort of a hangup whether they admit it or not but life still goes on,
but with understanding friends you can overcome your problems.
I'm enjoying it and thank you so much.Love,Alison

ALISON

:)

Wow, downloading. . . . .

I love this

I haven't read this in over a year and it still starts my eyes watering before the end of this first chapter. I turned 50 since that last reading and soooo identify with Cierra in many ways. The little girl in me is hardly ever seen because this world isn't very accepting of adults acting childlike (especially when you are 50). My two roommates see me sometimes but not to much and I have had lots of practice over the years hiding everything about me from my mom and sisters that they don't know this side of me. I'm glad my roommates are very accepting of all kinds of people.

I can really relate...

...to how Cici's feelin' in this story. It can really be frustratin' tryin' to not freak anybody out by actin' too much like a kid. I do try my best to keep a low profile in how I act and dress, but some days are tougher than others. I've been really strugglin' a lot lately, and decided I needed a bit more time bein' myself, so I've sorta loosened my grip on what I wore today. I think the overalls are probably okay, but the rainbow stripe socks might be a bit much ... but I'm gonna wear 'em anyways, 'cause I really need it. Umm ... I'm kinda ramblin' I guess. Lemme just end by sayin', this story really reached me, and I'm so glad ya posted it here. Thanks so much for sharin' this story , cuzzie!

{{{huggles}}}