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Chapter-18- Onward By Stanman63 Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut and JennaFL for Proofing and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration! Synopsis:Kelly continues to recover and discover new things about herself as she grows and matures into the woman that she is inside. |
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I stayed there for a week because the drugs combined with the moonshine to bollix up my systems and me being in transition, made my doctors dubious about my mental health. They were afraid that I might succeed and cause problems from activists who specialized in causing trouble when there was no need simply to further their selfish political agenda to get into the political arena. The hospital faculty was relieved when I agreed to not talk to them.
I saw an older brunette haired woman wearing a Navy Officer Dress Uniform. She looked smart in the trim, white uniform and white hose. The skirt was knee length with slits on each side up to her mid thigh. She was carrying a clipboard and her expression was very dour.
I put down the book that I was reading, "Hello, who are you?' I asked as I held out my hand. ['Why is she such a gloomy Gus?']
She quickly shook my hand and sat down, “My name is Sarah Lynn Morgan. I am the hospital's administrator. I need to speak with you about your stay here." ['Why does a 'PERSON' like this have to be here? We can't afford the publicity.']
I looked at her confused, "What is there to speak about? I have insurance, and even if it doesn't cover my stay, I have the funds to pay for my stay." [Just my luck to have a penny pincher to cause trouble.']
"Well, you are NOT a real girl, and your attempted suicide will give political activist fuel for their agenda that will destroy the hospital's reputation. You can hurt us simply by being here." ['I want to just evict the patient, but then the hospital would be sued, a no-win situation.']
I got out of bed, showing her my definite feminine body in all of its glory, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOT A REAL GIRL?" I hissed in anger. ['How dare she question my identity! Grandpa took care of that already!']
"Unfortunately for you, you are quite well known thanks to your adventures at Ronzi's. [Sigh] Believe me, all that I see is a very pretty young lady, but X-ray and ultra-sound will show both show your true gender as well as any blood tests performed. If not for that pupil of Listen, I'd not be worried, but your presence here has already been sent to others and the media is demanding a press conference." ['Will Kelly give me a way out of this? Or will she hide away from the mob?']
"WHAT?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT MAD MAN IS STILL CAUSING ME TROUBLE!?" I cried out with tears streaming down my face. ['Lord! Why can I not get away from the mad man?']
Then surprisingly, she held me as I regained control, “I am sorry Kelly, but even though he is gone, his evil lingers on in his followers." [' She has been hurt by him and now I am his unwitting pawn.']
In my heart, I resolved to end this senseless war, "If you would, please call a press conference. I am sick and damned tired of his antics! I will expose him for what he is!" I demanded with utter finality. ['Pastor Patrick, I am NOW doing your job! Why have you NOT done something before now?']
The next day, I was dressed in my black skirt suit with matching panty and white blouse, hose and sandals. My family and friends were there on stage with me as well as Pastor Patrick. I was ready to speak first, but he went up before I could.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, I am Pastor Patrick. I am the Pastor of Tri-County United Methodist Church . I am pleased to say that I am the shepard of these fine people behind me and a congregation of good Christian law abiding members. Unfortunately, one of my flock has been targeted by a former minister, Avery Linden who set himself up as a judge against Kelly Lee Moore.
"He has attacked her several times in his bigoted war to further his agenda of hatred. He was shut down, but even in prison he has continued to attack her. As the Chairman of the Tri-County Church Council, I have failed in my duty to protect her."
Then I got up and hugged him, "No, you have not failed me, nor has Constable Sebastian. Linden has been using his visitation rights to maintain his hold on his followers. I am here to tell why he has been after me.
"I am genetically a male, but I have chosen to live as a female. My family and friends all support me. Only Linden and his followers are against me. The only reason for this press conference is because one of his followers leaked my identity to the public to cause a riot. Well, I will NOT let anybody cause harm to this hospital on my behalf. I have signed a document releasing the hospital from any responsibility in my treatment.
After the press conference, Constable Sebastian was able to place Linden into solitary and all of those that had visited him were all guilty of breaking the law and joined him in prison, thus ending the war.
Now that my identity and safety had been assured, I could concentrate upon recovering from my suicide attempt. My enforced bed rest had combined with the bruising caused by medical intervention to weaken my muscle tone, leaving me tuckered out most of the time. It was after the sedatives were removed that I began to regain my strength.
I began to at first, walk with the assistance of a special walker that had two wheels on each of its four corners with brakes and a fold-down seat. It even had pedals that went to the rear wheels. Come to find out, Grandpa had built me a combination bicycle-wheelchair to aid in my recovery. I should have known that with his tendency to tinker with things, that he's have come up with it.
I was out and about, getting in my commute to the cafeteria where I took my meals to with me to eat. I just had to be with people, and the cafeteria met that need. I had become a fixture there, sitting by the fountain and reading my schoolbooks, that the table was unofficially dubbed Kelly's School.
I was eating lunch when Grandpa arrived, "Well Kelly, I see that your doing a whole lot better than when I saw you last time," he chuckled. ['She looks real good, almost like her old self. Soon, she will be well.']
I dropped my English book and ran over to him, "GRANDPA!! IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!! WHERE'S GRANNY?" I exclaimed as I hugged him. He looked great in his red plaid shirt and overalls. [' I've missed his gentle good humor and quiet strength. He must've been daddy's role model.']
He kissed me on the forehead, "She's visiting her Gynecologist here. She'll be here later. Right now, it’s just us." ['Lord, it’s been so lonely without her, but as long as she returns, it'll be well worth the wait.']
I smiled up at him and caressed his bewhiskered cheek, "I'm glad that you came Grandpa, I've missed your silly stories about the farm animals and their antics," I giggled mischievously. ['He made the farm come alive for me and gave me a love for the farm that I can never repay except to one day raise children to inherit the legacy.']
He chuckled at my very apt description of his none sense stories, "Well, if I hadn't of become a farmer, I'd have become a reporter, but the farm's call was too strong, so I have told my whoppers instead." ['I didn't have the opportunities that my children or Kelly has, or I'd have fulfilled that dream.']
Then I led him to my table, I sat down while he went to get us both a mug of cappuccino, "I see that they've labeled your table for you," he smirked. ['Kelly has that gift of encouraging others to perform acts of kindness. Yet she never abuses it.']
I picked up my dropped schoolbook and placed it on the table, "That's because I'm keeping up with my school assignments. I can't do anything about my gymnastics yet, but I will in time," I sighed in regret. ['I miss being so active.']
Grandpa took a sip of his cappuccino, "What about all of the walking and pedaling that you do? Doesn't that help out any?" ['Wait till she learns about my little surprise.']
I shook my head, and then finished my delicious cake which I halved with him, "Oh it helps, but I need an exercise mat for my yoga and other disciplines that I'm neglecting." ['He doesn't know what I'm missing.']
"Well, I can bring you yours from home if you wish, but do you have your workout togs?" ['Seeing her jump all over the farm like a gazelle has been something that I cherish, especially when she wears those cute little skirts. She brings back memories of Terri when she was a cheerleader and of my Beloved Lizzie too.']
"That'd be swell Grandpa! I am getting all out of shape just laying here!" ['I wonder how much weight that I've gained? My panties are starting to feel a tad tight.']
Grandpa leered jokingly at me like Groucho Marx, "Frankly my dear, you look quite delicious to me as you are." ['DAMN! I sound like a letch! It's a good thing that she know that I'm joking around with her.']
I squealed in delight, "Grandpa you dirty old man! I am not on the menu today!" ['I can see everybody here gossiping about this now.']
"Too bad, the cafe would make a killing selling Kelly potpies." ['She does make a delicious potpie at that.']
"OK Grandpa, I know that you're here alone for some reason, now tell me because I know that you'd stay with Granny." ['If he thinks that he can pull the wool over my eyes, he has another think coming.']
"You're right; Granny is here in the beauty salon, getting her hair done. I am taking this time to be with you and make sure that my doodad is working." ['Now let's see if she can figure out what it is.']
Then it dawned on me where my walker had come from, "OH! So YOU'RE the one responsible for my transportation! I should've known that you'd have built it in your shop," I smirked. ['He tinkers as much as he farms.']
"Yep! I took the old bicycle frames and lawnmower wheels to make it. I would've added gears, but felt that they'd be a bit much," he grinned. ['I finally did something to alleviate my burden. I feel so free now.']
I finished my cappuccino and Grandpa took away the trash while I loaded my tray onto my walker, "Well Good Looking, let's get rid of my tray and go see Granny, I feel like getting the works today." ['There's nothing like getting pampered in a beauty salon to lift a girl's spirits up when she's down.']
Grandpa took my tray to the Tray Disposal Window, "OK, but YOU take it easy and ride. I want to see how well my contraption works for you," he gestured to my walker. ['Lizzie and Terri did well, but it was meant for Kelly.']
I sat in the seat and began pedaling away, "Catch me if you can, Big Boy!" I called out as I passed him. ['Wait'll Granny see me now!']
I zoomed to the beauty salon, only to find BOTH of my grandparents sitting out front, waiting for me. Granny looked very pretty in her floor length denim skirt and red blouse, "Say what? How did you beat me here Grandpa?"
"I took a shortcut through the back," he chuckled. ['It's always fun to pull a fast one on Kelly, especially when she doesn't see it coming.']
Then Granny hugged me, "Darling Kelly, we planned this outing today to treat our granddaughter to a day of being pampered as only a beauty salon can do. Joe wanted to see how you were doing with your gift that he made for you, he knows how much it is that you miss being active. And I miss our time in the kitchen. So, get ready, because we're gonna be spoiled while Joe sets up your room with your exercise equipment." ['She is so frail looking, but she is as tough as nails like her mother.']
"You lied Grandpa, you said that Granny was getting the works, not waiting for me, and you have my stuff here," I smirked. ['Guess that it's my day to be pranked by my grandparents, and I love it.']
"Well, I NEVER aid that she was IN the salon. Only that she was here to get the works, and I still have to go get the stuff out of the truck," he grinned. ['I can see that she's considering some way to thank us, probably with a prank.']
I got out my mini-squirt-gun that I kept handy and got him right in the mouth, "OK Gramps, thanks for my ride and room," I giggled. [Wasn't expecting me to use such a childish prank, I bet.']
Granny giggled, "I see that she got you Joe, right in the mouth!" ['Good aim kiddo, he never saw it coming.']
"Well, I guess that's her way of saying thanks," he spluttered as he wiped his mouth. ['I see that she is aiming at Lizzie, Far be it for me to interfere with Kelly's fun.']
I aimed right at Granny's nose and let fly with my final squirt, the shot went up her nose, "Gotcha Granny! Ready for the spoiling now?" I asked mischievously.
"OK Kelly, guess you got us both."
We both were pampered as we were subjected to the special treatments that cleansed and rejuvenated our bodies. The fact that I was wearing my gaffe didn't matter. They had a gentleman there who tucked my boy bits in such a way that I looked like a girl, before he tucked, my groin was thoroughly treated though and released afterwards. I truly never have felt as decadent as when I was given a massage by the Swedish Masseuse Inga. She looked just like Sonya Henning, that Ice-skating star from yesteryear.
When we got through with our pampering, I found that Granny had gotten me a white skirted sailor-girl leotard with matching socks, shoes and taupe hose while she wore a denim skirt and peasant blouse with penny loafers. I got on my ride and went up to my room where Grandpa was waiting outside.
"Well, here are my beautiful wife and granddaughter. Can I be anymore blessed than I am to be graced with such wealth?" he announced with a twinkle in his eyes. ['That pampering did them both good.']
"Oh shush Joe, your making me blush, you flirt!" Indeed, Granny was beet red and smiling at the attention. ['He still can get my heart racing with his smooth talking.']
I got up out of my ride and hugged him, "OK Grandpa, you wouldn't be out here unless you were through, may I see what you did?" ['Did he bring my favorite plushy? I've missed that old bird something fierce.']
I had a beautiful plushy eagle that daddy had given me before he died. It is a bald eagle done in patriotic colors. I've been using it as a pillow and confidant for years. This was the first time that I was away from 'Old Abe', my plushy.
He opened the door with a flourish and chuckled, "Open sesame my dear Kelly, your humble servant awaits thy edict." ['She always said that if she was a Princess or Queen that she'd not be a weak one, but more like Xena. And I believe her too.']
I giggled, "OK my servant, [giggle] Queen Xena shall see if you are worth keeping or sending to the dungeons." ['He's being silly. No doubt about it, he is recovering from his anger over my being here. But when will I have hope again?']
I entered the room and was impressed with what he'd done. Not only was my exercise mat there, but my ballet mirror/bar assembly as well as my weights and martial arts equipment. I looked in the nightstand and saw my collection of books and my laptop computer with internet access. Grandpa had truly made the room feel like home.
Granny stood by me, "He really outdid himself for you Princess. This is the most that he's done since you've left last week." ['Joe lost that spark like I did. We need Kelly to be whole Lord. When will that be?']
I turned and hugged both of them, "[sniff, sniff] Thanks Granny and Grandpa. [sniff, sniff The beauty salon trip [sniff, sniff] and redoing my room makes my stay here [sniff, sniff] a lot more bearable," I wept as tears flowed freely down my face.
Granny kissed my tear wet cheek, "You're more than welcome my Precious Kelly. You have been a joy to have at the farm, and teaching you all about being farmer's wife was like having your mother Terri back home." ['It will be another tearful joy to see her move on, but she must spread her wings and fly.']
Grandpa kissed my other cheek, "It was my pleasure to build you your little ride and make your room like home. Debbie will be here after she gets through with school." ['Now she'll ask about school.']
"What about school for me? Am I still enrolled or must I now repeat the grade?" ['That'd be just desserts for what I did.']
"We'll let Debbie answer that since she is now your tutor. It's a good thing that you've kept up with your schoolwork," replied Granny.
"OK, I guess that she's been way too busy with school and her job to visit. When will she come by?"
Then I saw her come up silently behind my grandparents, she motioned for me to stay silent. Which I did because of my surprise. She looked stunning in her school uniform of white blouse, red blazer, blue skort, bloomers and shoes with suntan hose. I knew that my uniform replaced the blazer with a sweeter vest.
She hugged them, "Oh Kelly Girl, [giggle] I am here NOW for you. [Giggle] I've been by before, [giggle] but you were asleep," she giggled. ['GOD! It's so good to see my niece up and about after seeing her practically dead in that living nightmare.']
"AUNTIE!! I'VE MISSED YOU SO TERRIBLY MUCH! IT'S SO GOOD TO SE YOU AGAIN!" I exclaimed as my grandparents opened their arms so that I could bear hug her. ['My confidant and strength in my troubled times.']
"[Sniff, sniff When I saw you dead to the world [sniff, sniff] after your suicide attempt, [sniff, sniff I thought that I had lost you! [Sniff, sniff Seeing you alive and well is a balm to my soul, [sniff, sniff] " she cried. ['And NOW that nightmare is over and a new dream has dawned in my heart.']
I began to cry after I heard Auntie, "[sniff, sniff] I'm sorry Auntie, [sniff, sniff] but at the time, [sniff, sniff] I wanted to die [sniff, sniff and end my suffering. [Sniff, sniff GOD let you return in time to save me. [Sniff, sniff Otherwise, [sniff, sniff] I'd be dead [sniff, sniff] and in Heaven with daddy. [Sniff, sniff] “['Nobody can understand my anguish, NOBODY!']
"Oh Kelly! If I had of gotten there in time, I could have told you about my experience with being betrayed! I know the feeling and so does your mother."
I felt a small, strong hand on my shoulder,"[sniff, sniff] I too know betrayal that made me despair, [sniff, sniff] but not to the degree that you despaired, [sniff, sniff “wept Granny. ['I never thought that I'd ever talk about this, but I will for Kelly.']
Then an idea formed in my head, "Do we need to go to the Chapel Conference Room? Because I am assuming that Momma and the Woods aren't far behind," I smirked, knowing that I had caught them all in a big cover-up from the guilty looks on their faces. ['They can't keep a secret very well around me.']
Aunt Debbie spoke up first, "Yes, they'll be here later for dinner. I'm here to test you on your school subjects to see if you up to par with the curriculum while they go and see about off loading what furniture and such that they've got on the truck." ['I've never known of my parents to not make the most of a trip.']
We headed down to the Chapel Conference Room where Father Dowling and Sister Mary were the Resident Clergy for the week. The hospital scheduled the Clergy from the different Churches participating in the Chapel Program. There were Daily Morning and Evening Services with local choirs giving concerts on Saturday evenings. I had been here both as a singer, dancer and in the audience.
When I saw him outside the Chapel, I leaped out of my ride and jumped into his arms with a squeal of delight, "FATHER DOWLING! IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN! BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHAPEL?!" ['He looks so much younger now than when we met years ago after daddy died.']
He smiled broadly and returned my hug, "Oh, I'm still there, I'm simply letting my apprentice have his chance while I serve here. Jerri Dowling deserves her chance." ['I never believed that I'd be graced with children.']
"YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT'S A PRIEST?! I THOUGHT THAT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH HAD ONLY MALE PRIESTS!" ['Maybe my study of other churches is faulty, or is there something else going on here?']
"You are correct; I have twins by Sister Mary who chose to send our children to live with her parents. They grew up coming to my Chapel and when my son Mark became a Priest, my daughter became a Methodist Pastor." ['What a legacy you gave me Lord! Both of my children followed me into the Ministry.']
I felt Sister Mary hug me in true sisterly affection, "When we saw you and your mother, we thought about what a wonderful family you were, I had my own twins that my mother was raising. She knew that Peter was the father. It was then that we decided to let our children know the truth." ['Kelly helped me to see what wonderful thing parenthood is and what we were giving up for the Church. That's why we are now separate from the Catholic Church.']
"Well, I think that you two did the right thing, what has the Church said about it?"
"They know only that I adopted a young boy and his sister and that they followed me into the Ministry. They want to admonish me for not encouraging Jerri to be a nun, but what can they really do? The Roadside Chapel belongs to the Stare and leased out to Woods Enterprises," he chuckled. ['I've never met my benefactor to thank them for their generosity. How I wish that I could.']
Then I saw a way to repay the Woods for their friendship, "Are you talking about Charles Woods?"
Sister Mary did the Cross over her heart and knelt to pray," Yes Kelly, Why do you ask?" he looked at me with hope in his eyes.
"Well, he just happens to be coming here today. He's my Godfather," I smirked.
"Is that why your family left you here?"
"I guess so. Knowing them, they saw that we knew each other and are letting us have some private time."
Then Momma came up and hugged me, "Yes Kelly, they did and now it's time for everybody to meet."
Meet we did. It was a wonderful time of fellowship and renewal as we gathered together to share our griefs and joys with one another. I was reacquainted with the gossip that I was ignorant of and the many oddities that made everybody unique.
Mister Woods had purchased several trailers and outfitted them as portable kitchens for helping out with natural disasters where safe food preparation was paramount as well as others loaded with supplies. His Disaster Relief Trailers have helped out throughout the nation, going into the forgotten areas devastated by Mother Nature.
Mrs. Woods had a few trailers outfitted as mini-hospitals and operating rooms. Under her supervision, the boy-scouts and girl-scouts both were trained in the latest first aid and CPR training and those with any medical training were kept up to date.
Julie organized the cheerleaders and dancers into volunteer help at hospitals and nursing homes, often working with the Humane Society by taking shelter animals to patients and working in the shelter to care for the unfortunate pets. She convinced her dad to cover the expense of their care and found a large warehouse to act as their new home.
My Sweet Johnny became the much needed Student Leader of the athletes that Coach was looking for. He led the school's Athletic Program into winning #1 Placement in every sport and was voted Student Leader in his senior year.
Momma was able to organize other ladies and gentlemen form her own Secretarial/Catering Service through Mister Woods and take over as Manager/Vice-President of Woods Enterprises Catering Division. Now, it is a state-wide company with a certified degree in Business Management/Catering to help train others.
Aunt Debbie used her knowledge of theater and makeup to help her school to start performing plays and talent shows when Mister Phelps, the theater teacher retired. She also helped to publish the school weekly newspaper and yearbook.
Grandpa Joe sold or donated his carvings and tinkerings to the Disaster Relief Trailers of Mister Woods and won an award for Community Citizenship for doing the plumbing and electrical work on a block of apartment buildings made to house
Granny Lizzie donated all of her canned and freezer goods as well as her bodacious supply of quilts and such to supply the Disaster Relief Trailers that Mister Woods built. Now she has been set up to manage a small warehouse where she supervises the production of Disaster Relief Groceries.
Constable Sebastian was given brand new equipment and a new Headquarters to house the new Camera-Security System to help prevent crime and aid in Medical Emergencies. The system is mainly in the Business and School Districts with all streets monitored to help the citizenry, NOT to write tickets. He only intervenes when an accident occurs, much like Andy Taylor on the Andy Griffith Show.
Me, I still don't know what I'll be or what my future holds for me, but I do know that I have one, and that comforted me and let me sleep peacefully. My only regret is that it took my attempting suicide to come to this realization.
Then after hugging and kissing them 'goodbye', after the meeting, I went to bed and dedicated several hours to my own brand of therapy. I had often in the past had let physical exhaustion clear my mind so that I could more readily deal with anything.
Well, I exhausted myself in performing the exercise routines that I had been neglecting in the week long enforced bed rest caused by the mini-coma. I woke up the next morning, stinky, sore and tired, but a pain pill eased my aching muscles so that I could clean up and tackle the equipment again.
I threw myself into the exercises in an effort to keep from thinking about myself. I still felt empty and weak, like a drum that was being drummed by a very poor drummer who had absolutely no rhythm. I knew that I could very easily backslide and despair again, taking my life, And even worse, I feared that the next time that I'd succeed and send my family and friends into the very hell that I had come back from death to prevent.
I knew that I had been given the choice the last time, but I had no guarantee that I'd be sent back again. Beyond that, I had vowed to live for them and I have NEVER gone back on my word, no matter the cost to me. No, I would live for them and go through hell on Earth for them, even if I NEVER knew hope again.
After entering into my second set of exercises after breakfast, a stranger entered my room and sat down, waiting for me to respond. She was my momma's age, with honey blond curly hair, making her look like Shirley Temple. She was wearing a multi-colored skirted leotard and beige tights with pink ballet slippers compared to my skin tone sports bra with matching briefs over tan hose. My ballet slippers were white.
I looked at her and held out both of my hands, "Hello, sorry about the mess Ma'am, but as you can see, I am exercising," I smirked, ['Wonder if she wants to join me in the fun?'] Even after all this time, I was being the perfect hostess, that training was too well ingrained.
She got up and sat by me where I was laying after finishing with my 'bicycle' exercise, "Hello, my name is Terri Anne Volkirch. I am a psychiatrist assigned to your case. I heard that you were working up a sweat, so I thought that I'd join you," she smiled. ['She shows all of the signs of running from a problem, will she open up? Or must I dig deep into her psyche?']
"Thanks! Let me guess, you're here because of my attempted suicide. Although I was expecting for you to be dressed like the others," I sighed. ["I must be strong or I will despair, even now.']
She smiled at my rancor, "Yes, that's why I'm here. But since you're getting into exercising, I thought that I'd kill two birds with one stone. You see, I too need to exercise," ['Let's see if her sense of humor is intact now.']
"Two birds huh? You mean you and me? Because I can guarantee you that even with me being out of shape, that if you exercise with me that you'll want to kill me to stop the torture, Only Julie or Johnny could really match me before," I giggled. ['Those were fun times, before the game, before the passion.']
She looked very thoughtful, "Actually, that's pretty close to what I have in mind. I want to gauge your competitive spirit to see if you're ready for sports again." ['If she has the spirit, hopefully I can get her to channel it into wanting to live. She is still way to close the edge of despair. I can read it in her eyes. Her mother is right; Kelly's eyes are a window to her soul. May I give her the strength to continue to fight,']
Then I jumped up with a grin, "Well then, let's see just how much we're both in shape. Because I can tell you truthfully that I am far from my peak condition. I guess that you know that to dare me to do anything is to get my blood flowing," ['Working with her will help me to better gauge my own abilities.']
I saw her evilly grin, "I just might have somebody here to push me to go beyond MY limits." ['Never have I seen such a competitive yet easy going innocent spirit. I want to see her healed.']
So we both pushed ourselves to go beyond what we believed was our best. By the time that we ended our routine, we were both exhausted and stinky. We fell asleep, only to be awakened by Nurse Holly as she came to take my 11: o'clock vitals reading. I know that I sound archaic, but reading those old novels does that to you.
Nurse Holly entered wearing her classic whites dress, she was quite young and loved showing off her trim figure in form-fitting clothes that allowed her to show off her legs. She had been a cheerleader in school and even now, dedicated an hour a week to maintaining her figure. She had graduated years ago and was happily married to her husband Richard Hart who was the heir of the Happy Hart Corporation that had bankrolled most of the local business enterprises in the area.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, "Wake up Princess. Time to take your readings and blood. Then you can shower and change clothes while your bedding is refreshed." ['She looks so peaceful there. Hard to imagine her committing suicide. But she most definitely needs to take a bath, SHE REEKS!']
I groaned as I felt my body's pain and stiffness,"Ooooh! Please Nurse Holly, be a Saint and put me out of my suffering! Why did I ever agree to this stupidity? No, don't tell me. It was me and my ego." ['I've NEVER felt THIS bad before!!']
I heard another groan beside me,"OoOoo! I agree! Did anybody get the name of that Mack Truck that ran over me? What I do for my patients SHOULD grant me a Knighthood if I was British," she joked. ['Well, my grandparents are from England and I do have dual citizenship.']
Nurse Holly giggled, "OK you two, enough with the theatrics. The nurses bet on what would happen when you two competed, I won." ['I knew from her friends that Kelly would compete, but NOT the doc, good thing I guessed right.']
Terri Anne sighed, "Well, I'm glad that you won, but we're both suffering, do we get relief?" ['DAMN! I am NOT at my best right now.']
"Nurse, I pushed myself because I've NOT been able to exercise as I am use to doing. Normally, the workout would've been followed by a good soak in a hot tub, spa, or massage. Is there a spa here?" ['I forgot to ask before, and it's a good thing that I've got that massaging recliner from home.']
"Yes, there's a whirlpool spa here in the gymnasium and in the Therapy section as well. You can go there AFTER I've given you your medicines and take some blood," She immediately produced the vials and my pills with a mischievous grin. ['She HATES it whenever we draw blood, calling us vampires.]
"OK, what about me? Do I get any relief?" ['Why must I ask again I wonder? Is she being purposefully dense?']
Nurse Holly reached and helped her up, "Yes doctor, it's just that it's so very seldom that we see a shrink gotten the better of by a patient. Please let me wheel you down to the spa," she smirked. ['At least she has a sense of humor.']
"Well, considering the patient here, no doubt," Terri added as she stretched.
Then Nurse Holly came over and got ready to draw even more blood, "What are you getting blood for now?" I visibly cringed. ['If they keep on, I won't be able to donate for a year!']
"Well, since you want to transition, we need to make sure about your health. It wouldn't do to have you on the table only to have to remove some cancer." ['I've seen it happen before, and it ain't pretty.']
I started thinking about all of the things that could go wrong. I had to watch as a fellow student Maggie Sharp had succumbed to leukemia and visibly wither way. She was my age and only after she was buried did I learn from her parents that she was in transition. She had taken drugs that had caused her liver to shut down and allowed for the leukemia that was dormant to ravage her body.
I felt an encouraging arm on my shoulder, "You look as if you were reliving a bad memory there want to tell me about it?" ['Whatever it is has her scared to death.']
Then I held out my arm so that Nurse Holly could draw blood, which she did at a nod from Terri, "Thanks, I was thinking about another girl like me who died because she took the wrong drugs that shut down her liver and let her leukemia return. [Sigh] We were both cheerleaders and I learned her secret only after her death."
"Maggie Sharp?"
"The same, why?"
"She was my patient. I was hoping that the regimen of drugs would prevent her death, but she went to the internet, and did not transition under a doctor’s care."
I am glad to say that I am in excellent health, and according to all the tests, I am cancer free. I had to make sure that the hormones that I was taking wasn't messing me up. My testicles were atrophied and penis only a nub, but there was enough skin and tissue to create a vagina or me according to the staff. When I told them to measure Johnny to be sure, brought the house down. It seems that he had a mold made of it for the doctors; they assured me that my real vagina could handle it.
Truthfully, I wasn't interested in sex. Having to dilate my vagina would be a necessary evil in order for me to be a woman as much as possible. I knew that there were genetic women unable to give birth. Me, I wanted to be a birth mother but I knew that was out of the question.
Recently, I had been thinking about how much fun the Woods and my family had had raising me and my bestest of friends. I wanted the feel of a child in me and nursing my child from milk in my mammaries, better known as breasts. Taking the proper hormones, I could feed a newborn, but that child would not be mine. Next time that I visit Heaven, I will talk to Jesus about this.
That night, after we went our separate ways, I listened to Bette Middler's 'The Rose' and thought about how very well the song fit me.
I now knew that their love had drowned the tender reed of my heart and cleansed it of my despair of Johnny's razor that caused my soul to bleed. Yes, my love for Johnny is an endless, aching need. But my love is a flower, my love for Johnny but a seed.
Right now, I'm afraid to love again, afraid of breaking in the dance of love. I'm afraid to dream of love, afraid to take the chance. I'm afraid for my heart to be taken, because I can not give. I died because I was afraid to live.
This night of no hope has been too lonely, the road too long. I know that love is for everybody, both weak and strong. And I have been promised that beneath the bitter snow of my winter, my heart's seed will in the renewal of the Lord's Healing will become a Rose.
To Be Continued...
