Providence - Part 15

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Providence
Il mio Tesoro, il mio sorellina
(My treasure, my little sister)
Part Five

 

The party lasted until after midnight. Lainey had taken Deedee to put her to bed and they had both fallen asleep in the mommie’s bed after only a few minutes. Diane and Michelle helped Joey clean up before leaving themselves, and Joey went to bed soon after that, leaving Terri and April with Taryn

“What about school, Taryn?” April asked.

“School year ends in a week, and we’ve just got finals.” She smiled weakly, finding little solace in the finality of high school, despite her happiness over her new found home. “They’ll figure out something to screw this up…I just know it.” She reached up and pulled off the wig Terri had given her

“Who am I kidding.” It was absolutely sad to see her lapse into her boy mode as she stared blankly away from the two new friends.

“What’s wrong, sweetie, I thought you’d at least feel safe over here?” April asked, surprising herself with the term of affection. Even after being married for two years, old habits died at least slowly, and it was still a struggle for her to express emotion, even something as a term of endearment, as they call it.

Taryn didn’t feel guilty about abandoning baseball; her health had deteriorated significantly to the point where her performance as Tommy had been noticed by everyone important, including his father. His mother no longer found “him” attractive, which was a blessing and a disappointment, as crazy as that sounds. Children of abuse often feel rejected when the abuse ceases since it is sometimes the only connection, as twisted as it is, that the child has; when the abuser moves on, feelings of relief may be sadly overshadowed by the feelings of abandonment. Taryn was overjoyed and relieved even while there remained an indescribable mixture of guilt and loss for Tommy.

“Honey, there’s a friend of ours we think might be a help to you. She’s first and last a terrific lady who has been through a lot of the things you have. And she doesn’t charge a thing. April planned on calling Katie Kelly in the morning. But she had another call to make as well, one that would help Taryn sort out some other things as well.

___________________________________________

“Jerry? This is April Colavito; I’m a teammate of your sister Joann.” April played on the same league softball team with Jerry Davis’ sister, who was a superb shortstop and terrific friend. Jerry was the Athletic Director at Central High School, but more importantly, Jerry had connections through his cousin with the University of Science of Philadelphia. After a few minutes of explanation, April asked the following;

“She’s a terrific kid and a great student. Despite all the stuff she’s been through, she’s been able to keep up her grades. Because she won’t be attending any of the schools she had offers from, she’s left out in the cold, since she’s no longer playing sports, and in her present “form” she’s likely not to be accepted anywhere under any other circumstances." Taryn was at a crossroads that didn’t include much of what she had accomplished when she was still Tommy Esposito, so she was literally in academic limbo unless Jerry could help.

“I’m not promising anything, April, but I’ll see what I can do.” Jerry hung up the phone and scratched his head in wonder. A few years ago, his belief system would have precluded any consideration, much less assistance for a transgender student. Getting to know a young man who had helped his sister and his dying nephew (See Salvation) had changed his mind about a lot of things. He still didn’t understand or even accept some things about the whole transgender “thing,” but getting to know his starting shortstop as both Danny and Paula had changed his perspective. He had become so broad-minded and accepting that he concluded that he didn’t have to understand anything in order to behave like a decent human being. He called his cousin and had a long talk.

__________________________________________

A few days later, Taryn was sitting at the kitchen table studying for her last final. Because of her unique situation, she had been allowed to reside out of district, since she was only one week away from graduation. She had been ostracized by most of her external support system, having become the laughing stock of her former teammates after she left the team. And several of the coaches in the league had even joked and made crude remarks at the last league meeting, prompting Coach Davis to walk out, but not before telling off his colleagues. Some of the coaches actually called to apologize and one even went so far as to write a letter of apology to Taryn herself. Without the pressure to continue on the baseball team, Taryn had become much more relaxed and at ease. She had found a new friend in Joey Carlucci, Terri’s wife, who reached out to her, being the closest in age to the girl.

“There’s a man at the door who’d like to talk with you, Taryn.” Joey called from the living room. Fearing the worst, Taryn rose from the table and walked with dread into the living room, where she saw Joey and April and a man and woman she hadn’t met. Jerry Davis stood next to his cousin Ruth, who smiled at Taryn warmly.

“Jerry tells me you’re a good student without a school home for the fall. I looked at your grades, and looked into some resources we have in reserve. If it’s okay with you, we’d like to offer you a full scholarship for the fall. Your grades are outstanding, and your sister-in-law filled me in only in a general sense with what you’ve been through. I think USP and you will be a good match, young lady, so how about it?” Taryn was on the edge of her emotions most of the time, despite a few weeks of working with her new counselor, but years of abuse just don’t go away magically. Healing takes time and support and understanding, and Dr. Kelly had encouraged her in so many ways, and had put her in touch with a transgender support group for teens that met at her wife’s high school. But nothing could have prepared the girl for such a gift of grace. She had given up hope of attending college, at least for the fall term, and to have such an offer. April was becoming quite observant and sensitive, and walked over to Taryn to embrace her as she wept. It was good that her crying was more and more a reflection of relief and joy, as opposed to the years of unbearable sorrow and grief in her parent’s home.

Jerry couldn’t resist; he wasn’t teasing by any means, but his point of reference with the girl harkened back only a year ago, when her former male self had destroyed all hopes for a state championship for Central with a long two-run homerun in the semi-finals.

“You really spoiled my day….” He stumbled over his words, not really knowing how to address the former all-star, who stood before him, clad not in jeans and tee-shirt and letter jacket, but in a denim skirt and maroon cowl neck sweater. Her hair was beginning to grow, and the girl no longer appeared like the baseball player she used to be, but as a pretty young woman on the verge of entering college.
“It’s okay, it’s Taryn,” she said, as she dried her tears with a hankie. “Everybody’s getting used to me this way…even I have trouble some times.” She stepped toward Jerry and gave him an awkward hug, still fighting back the tears. She smiled and said,
“Thank you so much…this means the world to me. I had given up hope that anything good could ever happen to me and now I know that no matter what happens I’m going to be alright because I know God loves me.”

___________________________________________

A few days later, Terri and Joey were sitting in the living room with Taryn, who was enjoying the end of finals. She had decided that she wasn’t going to walk with her classmates for graduation. Her parents were no longer speaking to her, which hurt and helped her at the same time. So the only ones who actually cared about her graduation were her friends and her sister and sister-in-law. They planned a party for the weekend, and the three were making plans when a knock came at the door. Terri rose from the couch and walked over and opened the door. Standing on the front step was a tall handsome man, about twenty-six or so, and he looked vaguely familiar.

“Is this the Esposito house?” He asked. He appeared anxious, and he kept looking back toward the street, as if he wanted to leave.

“Yes, can I help you? Lainey and April aren’t here right now, but they should be home soon.” Terri was about to encourage the man to return later when Taryn let out a sob, which evoked the following.

“Tommy…is that you?” Almost a statement rather than a question, and even odder, a welcoming gaze, as if the man knew her, which he did.

“Bobby…what are you doing here?” Taryn asked, trying hard not to cry and trying even harder not to run to her room.

It would almost have appeared rude when the man stepped quickly past Terri and walked up to Taryn. She cringed, expecting the worst, but she saw that he had tears in his eyes. He stood quietly for a moment, as if he were trying to look inside himself for courage or something to help him speak. Finally he said,

“Tommy….I’m so sorry. I….you and Eddie….” He almost choked on the words. As with other times, we may forgive him for the names; he had never even known what Elaine’s name was, and he never took the time to get to know Tommy as Taryn, despite pleading and weeping. He had participated in the abandonment of both of his sisters, and had been a brutal accomplice to his father’s abuse of both as well. Even more horrible, he knew what his mother had done to Tommy in the evil secrecy of her abuse to his brother/sister. Nothing could have atoned for his actions; nothing excused or would ever remove his complicity and inaction as his parents both visited evil upon his siblings. Nothing that is, except what Taryn had to say.

“Oh God, help me….Bobby…what….” She swallowed hard, and choked back sobs and said, as calmly and sincerely as she could,

“I forgive you.” It made no sense. Bobby stood by when Elaine was beaten, even choosing to hit and abuse Elaine, and was the instrument that drove her, not only from her own home, but the rest of the family as well. Bobby knew what unspeakable acts occurred when his mother demanded Tommy’s attention, and he stood by as well when his father rewarded Tommy’s failures…less than perfect plays on the baseball field or the basketball court were met with beatings and cursings and neglect and disdain. Why? How could she forgive? But in Taryn’s mind, in her heart of hearts, after receiving so much grace and acceptance and love from her new-found home, how could she not forgive?

“I’m sorry…please forgive me.” The words came once again, but not from Bobby, but from Taryn. “I’ve hated you for so long…I am so sorry….I know what Daddy did to you…what Mommy did to you.” Taryn…Tommy wasn’t the first or even the second victim of his mother’s selfish evil. Elaine and Bobby both suffered the beatings of their brutal parents; Elaine and Bobby both were scarred and tainted by their mother’s perversion. And Taryn had judged them; just as much as her teammates had judged and condemned her, she had judged and condemned both her siblings. She had sought and had received forgiveness from Elaine, and now it was time to make amends with her older brother.

She wept unashamedly and held her arms open in welcome and request, and her brother collapsed in her arms. The two shared too much pain, an evil commonality that only time and forgiveness and restoration and love would heal. It started then, and it continued as Taryn looked up to see Lainey and April standing at the doorway. Lainey's sobs were almost belied by the smile on her face; a seemingly incongruous expression but for the joy of seeing her brother and sister together. As you have heard all along, bitterness and anger and unforgiveness are destructive and serve no purpose but to delay any hope of restoration. All three siblings stood together as their friends looked on in wonder and relief.

And April, who came to know the release of tears; the healing of tears….April wept for her wife, knowing the pain she had been through. She wept for Taryn, coming to love her sister-in-law as if she was her own flesh and blood. And she now wept for her brother-in-law, who, like the prodigal, had come home, humble and seeking restoration and forgiveness.

______________________________________________

Grace isn’t earned. It can’t be bought or bargained for. No trading or bartering, grace is bestowed by the giver to one without consideration of merit or favor. Bobby didn’t deserve forgiveness. For that matter, Taryn and Lainey didn’t either. Truth be told, no one deserves forgiveness; otherwise it wouldn’t be a gift. It wouldn’t be as precious if we could say, “This is mine…you owe it to me.” My own parents never deserved my forgiveness for all that I had endured. And I never deserved forgiveness for my part, since I had done things in my life that mirrored their faults and weakness. But we forgave and received forgiveness.

______________________________________

So what became of the ones who started this all, you might ask. The better question would be; what became of the children who received it all. The story is ongoing, like all of the stories I convey. Taryn and Lainey and Bobby tried to reach out to their parents to forgive and ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness from the abuser? How fair is that? What did they do to deserve that?
But the children also harbored bitterness and hatred in their own hearts. Understandable, yes, absolutely. Justifiable? Perhaps, but as with their own relationships, all three found that the only thing their hatred toward their parents did was to keep them enslaved to the abuse and pain they sought to relieve. So they forgave. It would be wonderful to report that their efforts were received, but everyone has the right and opportunity to make choices, no matter how tragic the outcome might be. Helen Esposito died of a heart attack shortly after Taryn entered her first year of college, still refusing to accept her daughter. Salvatore Esposito suffered a stroke shortly after that and passed away with all three children at his side, never waking to see their love despite his hatred; their forgiveness despite his bitter neglect and abandonment.

Life can be unfair…we believe in that, we see that every day. But really, it’s not what happens to us that defines who we are. It’s what we do with the time we have. It’s not, “Was someone kind to me?” It’s “who can I be kind to?” Justice is always served, whether in this lifetime, or perhaps beyond. And for the Esposito family, it’s more about restoration. Taryn — Innocence, Elaine — bright light, Robert — bright fame. There's an old saying, perhaps you've read it or heard it. "What was meant for evil, God meant for good."
More from Providence soon.

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stiff upper lip

laika's picture

Drea Honey:
I wasn't gonna cry reading this because I knew my pizza was on its way, and I was really proud of how good I was doing there for a while. But the old coach was being such a solid mensch, and then when brother Bobby showed up ....... I had to conduct the transaction with the delivery guy in squeals & sign language. What can I say? I'm a sucker for stories about redemption. Did you see the film GEORGE WALLACE? I don't know how factual it was, but Gary Sinus's apology in that black church for rising to power by playing to people's bigotry was something I can't watch without bawling. I was kind of hoping the mom and/or dad might somehow have some moment of clarity, grow into something resembling humanity in the next book (Providence: Beyond The Thunderdome...) but oh well. This happens too. Beautiful story, bella pesci-dona sorella mia...

~~(I probably accidentally said something dirty there, Wonder-bread wop that I am...) hugs, Laika

JUST LOOKED IT UP. THE WORD IS SIRENA. THAT MAKES SENSE,
AND MUCH PRETTIER THAN MY CLUMSY HYBRID TERM.

Brava...

Oh Drea…

As usual, this is an exquisite piece of writing. It also cuts very deeply into the ailments of my soul. Having not spoken to my mother in over ten years, I find that I have nothing to say to her now. I don’t believe there is anything she could say to me that would make a difference in my life.

While relationships are still alive, even negative ones, there’s always a chance, a hope, that something can be salvaged to make it even modestly better. But once those relationships are dead, I say let them rest in peace.

I think the one thing I love the most about this chapter is that the hope within the characters never ceases. They all feel their pain and can share it with one another. People can change their minds and permit the feelings in their hearts to out weight those in their brains.

Brava my dear, Brava!

May the Knife Be Keen, the Cuts True, and the Healing Quick…

Kelly

I'm sure the parents suffered...

Ole Ulfson's picture

A harsher judgement from God than they would from have from man, since they had no time for contrition. But that brings me no satisfaction, and it also brings no closure for their victims, their own children.

The children have been saved by the inner goodness that allowed them to forgive.

Thank you, Andrea, for giving us a look the dark side of life and then bringing out the sun for us.

Ole

We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!

Gender rights are the new civil rights!