From Part Two - Taryn moved in with the Esposito's and Carlucci's and received acceptance and love and learned why Lainey left home.

Taryn listened while Lainey gave the short version of her departure, evoking more than a few sobs from everyone. She remembered that day when she came home to the empty house, feeling like a part of her heart hand been ripped from her. Her father feared no "rebellion" as it were from Tommy’s brother Bobby; as they were almost completely of like mind. And his mother Helen did exactly as she was told. Tommy was a different story, however.

"Do you see what has become of your brother?" Tommy's father stood over him in a menacing way, just as he had to Eddie only hours before.
"You must know; you are never to speak to him...bastardo...He is no longer my son...no longer your brother." Salvatore Esposito made Tommy promise not to have contact with Eddie (please pardon the interchangeable nouns and pronouns; this was the only name known to the family.) Over the next four years since Tommy had lost his brother...his best friend, actually, they had little contact. Word of Lainey's whereabouts came infrequently and Tommy tried to write whenever he could.

Once, Salvatore had found out that Lainey had sent Tommy a birthday card. He ripped it up and Tommy was beaten for his part, not by his father, but by his brother Bobby, who we already know was of like mind with his father. Marks left in inconspicuous places and beatings brutal enough to inflict pain but soft enough to preclude any need for medical attention; these, coupled with threats and curses, destroyed whatever self-esteem the boy had. He felt as if there was no one to turn to.

And now, how could he finally do what he wanted most? He was convinced his own life would be forfeit if he had even hinted at his longing to be....to exist happily as Taryn, with friends who would love and accept her. How could he when his family ruled his life.

And because of his talent; his absolute mastery of sports, his prowess doomed him to a fate worse than death; a lifetime of denying the beautiful child inside. Every glimpse in the mirror, every "way to go, TOMMY, nice hit, TOMMY, good shot, TOMMY;” these all relegated his true self further and further into a premature grave.

Every moment of every success, every win, every hit, every goal; these all doomed Taryn to limbo, a place with no escape; no hope, where dreams were destroyed and wishes unanswered as Tommy grew stronger and faster and taller; as he became the chosen one in the family, Taryn wept more and more, feeling like she would never be free; never be happy. For a while, she was actually bitter and angry at Lainey, jealous of her "freedom,' not knowing that for most of their estrangement, Lainey endured her own private hell of rejection, doubt and hopelessness.

But almost miraculously, Taryn learned of Lainey's marriage, hearing about it through a callous, disgusting remark from a teammate, who naturally believed that Tommy hated his brother, not knowing Taryn loved her sister. Sadly, Tommy did nothing to change his teammate’s perception, allowing him to believe the worst. Taryn thought of going to the hospital to visit her sister after she saved that man's life (Providence Part 3), but the thought of the beating she would receive, the hatred and the invectives that would spew forth to act as venom to her soul; she stayed away, adding not only to her sadness over her loss, but to the mounting guilt over her abandonment of her sister. She kept away from the only person who actually loved her, as if they had never even known one another; adding to her guilt and shame.

"I'm sorry; I didn't know...I'm so sorry." Not simultaneously, but both sisters confessed and forgave each other over the next few days. Lainey welcomed Taryn with open arms, like the father welcomed the prodigal son, overjoyed and filled with peace.
No longer feeling guilty for the estrangement with Lainey, Taryn nonetheless was weighed down with guilt and shame over another secret that was too hard to bear, but almost impossible to confess.

Salvatore Esposito kept his own secret, which was not secret at all, since inside his own home, his wife knew of his countless affairs; his infidelity almost worn as a crown of sovereignty, his arrogance a scepter of power, his cruelty the orb of authority. It mattered not to him that his wife was neglected; she had no strength or standing to protest. But she had power nonetheless, and she wielded it in a twisted, horrible way; feeling justified through her own pain.

Words can and will describe things that we find disgusting and cruel but will remain unspeakable. This author has seen it elsewhere, with other children and other parents. Helen Esposito was no longer loved in any way by her husband, so she instead used another in his place to fulfill her own needs, feeling that her own pain and rejection had somehow given her the right to commit evil. Tommy became more than a son and less than her child as she used him the way her husband used one of his whores. (This author feels badly about using that invective, since so many women start out in that manner because their own innocence was ripped from them in the very same manner as was Tommy’s childhood.) And he felt powerless, overwhelmed with shame; more shame than anyone should be asked to endure, but his parents held all the power.

Taryn had held onto this secret, feeling disgust and shame almost too much to bear, but revealing the secret would tear the family further apart. Guilt plagued her from the time she got up to the time she went to bed, from all sides. The athlete came to a place where he could no longer produce; the hero had no strength, no desire, no will of his own, and every night the tall handsome boy retreated to his bedroom, seeking solace and comfort in his other self. The two were unable to resist the evil in that household. Taryn wept for Tommy, as it were, even though it was unbearably painful to withstand the assault on him while denying her true self. But the nighttime of her own tears of guilt and shame she shed were far better than any moment lived as the boy she no longer was.

Coming next: Transformation and Renewal