WHAT ABOUT THE LONELY
PRAIRIE_GIRL_64
© 2008
Note: This is a little story that kind of expanded as I lay here awaiting my upcoming surgery. I am not exactly sure what I was thinking of when I scribbled this out on here. I guess in some ways it reflects my life being lonely. Not being able to find true love and happiness in ones life I guess that there are many degrees of loneliness. For myself it has been that way, as reflected in “TRAGEDY”. I would speculate that many of us go through periods of being alone or lonely. This is a typical boy whom feels rejected by family, friends and society and how he somewhat overcame those and in the end asked the question….What about the lonely?
I have to add that I guess that the inspiration for this came about while listening to my favourite band, “JOURNEY”. If anyone knows the music or have heard of the song “ASK THE LONELY”, then you might pick up on this little inspiration. Thanks I do appreciate the support I have now, I can only wish that was there when I was growing up and continued to where I am today.
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Hmmmm…I am not sure I should begin here or not. I guess at the beginning. So here goes. My name is Patrick; I was born April 25th, 1975. Today I celebrated my 13th birthday. I am kind of skinny, at 5 feet 7 and weigh 90 pounds. I have long brownish/red hair, like my mom Rachel. Mom is the same height as I am and well, she weighs abit more than me. My mom and I look so much alike that we are often mistaken for sisters, rather than mother and son. My dad on the other hand is quite tall; he stands 6 feet 4 and around 220. His name is Pete.
I guess I have known for along time with all the teasing and bullying that I have endured over the last few years that I resorted to isolating myself from those around me. My Mom and I still talk and I have not really isolated myself from her, at least technically speaking that is. I am very smart; I have an IQ in the low three digits.
I am starting the 9th grade in September. I know, what is for a 13 year old whom is a geek by all the stretch of the imagination to be going into high school early will endure. I saw the Revenge Of The Nerds movie. But my going to high school early is my mom’s doing. As I mentioned, I am like her in many ways. The only difference between us is the fact I am a boy whom wishes he was born a girl, like my mom.
I knew something was up when I was about 7 or so, I spied on my mom while getting dressed, I wondered in awe of the clothes she wore and wished I was getting dressed similar to her. My mom works as an accountant. My dad, he works in construction on the railways building things like bridges etc. That is not my thing.
Sometimes when I was left alone I would try on her undies and the odd skirt. I knew that I should have been born a girl.Unfortunately, I do not really have friends in the literal sense, all that I have are the odd acquaintances. Being the geek and the smartest one kind of excludes you from a lot of activities that others enjoy it seems.
Me, because of my loneliness, I resort to music and writing when I need too unwind and lose myself in my secret world where I can cope with my so called life. This has a tendency to isolate me from everyone and everything around me.
This is where I wish I was born a girl. I wish it so much that at times I have resorted to cutting myself on my legs and arms. I wear nothing but long shirts and pants to hide the cuts and scars so that I won't be sent to the hospital or some shrink who'd try to "cure" me.
I have contemplated suicide a few times. I get so lonely that well, it is my only escape I figure. I have written some pretty whacked out stories for class and have been ridiculed and chastised by teachers and students alike.
Now, some of my musical influences if you can believe that for such a young person are, Buddy Holy, The Commodores, The Doors, The Cars, Led Zeppelin and countless others. I have listened to songs that describe the loneliness of individuals that sings out to my tortured soul.
They have such strong meanings etc, there is Elvis’s song “Only the Lonely”, to the rockier tune by Journey “Ask the Lonely”. I am lonely, I am depressed that is why I write and listen to songs. I guess you wonder why I am writing this. Well, it goes like this……
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Being a scrawny 13 year old in a school full of your basic cliques etc. one begins to wonder what the hell am I doing in a school full of idiots and jerks. Being highly intelligent I was instantly picked on from the get go in homeroom. Let my describe the three jerks that are the instigators: Tim Williams, the tall jock, at 5’ 11 and a 50 pounds heavier than me, he has short military style hair; Then there is Josh Bradley, 5’8 and muscular another jock and a asshole too boot, Josh easily weighed 50 pounds or more than I did; finally there is Calvin Jones, this idiot takes the cake, the basic leader of these morons, whom started this whole mess in home room, Calvin is heavyset and at 6’0 and a good 200 pounds and bald he looks like the mobster type.
The day started out well and then turned to shit as they say. At recess, I was tackled and then punched and called all types of names. I know I am not the most muscular guy on the planet, but sheesh, I should not be picked on either.
Why they decided to pick on me I will never guess, there are some others that I know of in school and are in my classes during the day and yes they are girls and they are gorgeous, at least in my mind they are. You see: there is Dawn, she is statuesque at a height of 5’10 and 115 and gorgeous, I bet she will be a model when she graduates high school or college. Dawn has long black shimmery hair at shoulder length. She is on the junior cheerleading squad with a girl named Melissa.
Now Melissa is 5’ 8 and 110 I would guess with dark red hair below the waist and very pretty, both of these girls are dating the two top guys in the school, both jocks and they do al the sports…sheesh, I hate sports.
Now that leaves my neighbour Rene, She is short at 5 feet zip and barely 100 pounds, with blonde hair to shoulders. Rene is quiet and shy, however her flaw is she hangs with the clique at school and is a bitch towards me when in school, at home she has the “angel” attitude…yuck.. Falsehoods and phoneys... Detest them all I do.
The teasing continued all the way through school for me. I will not need to bore you with all the assaults and hospital stays I was in until I was in my senior year at high school. I was called sissy, fag, geek, geekoid, loser... you name it.
I came out of most scrapes with bruises and a few broken bones. My parents ignored it and always just kind of shrugged it off as “boys will be boys” and “you will bulk up soon”. Yeah right. I wish. NOT!!!!!!!. Hence why I wish I was born a girl, to be popular to fit in to be apart of something to be less lonely.
Rene and I would talk away from school with her parents, Judy and her dad Phil. Mind you it always went the other way while in school, due to what I told Rene, it went through school like wildfire. I am getting ahead of myself here a wee bit.
June of ’88 saw me spending it in hospital with broken arm and ribs, that dumbass Josh tackled me pretty hard. All because I fought back against his name calling. Boy did I ever feel lonely there, story of my life up to date so far.
Well, when I got home, things just proceeded to get worse for me, I felt that my dad was treating me differently and so was my mom. My dad was stern and blunt when he spoke to me. My mom would just sit and wonder why I was like I was. I was not the typical boy. The strong one, the assertive one, the one that was a go getter. The one that strived to want to be a success.
I think in my parents eyes I was a failure. I sure felt like it. I plunged into a deep depression and it took hold and I guess I never shook it off. Things went from worse to extremely worse over the next school year. The beatings persisted and the depression deepened.
The loneliness tightened my life like a noose. I wanted to die and I think those that knew me were wondering if I could actually do it. I came very close one day while I was in biology in grade 10. We were dissecting frogs, and I took the razor sharp scalpel and in front of the class slit my wrist, not the down the vein but across. I passed out as did half my class. I missed a lot of school and was put on suicide watch in hospital and eventually the psyche ward. I told some moronic doctor what he needed to know and I was out of there. The usual promise not to endanger myself or others etc etc.
My mom and dad were pissed off to say the least as were the teachers at school. Boy did the loneliness engulf me again. I kept a brave face. The teasing and abuse continued, not just at school, home as well. Dad punched me a few times and I winced each and every time he hit me. Mom ignored it all and just chalked it up to fathers and sons wrestling. Yeah right!.
It all came to a surprising end one Sunday when the games that mom so though was father and son wrestling, turned into a few broken bones on me. Yes three broken ribs and a fractured collar bone. That ended that.
After this episode I was depressed and very much at a low point where the loneliness crept into my daily existence. I felt isolated, loneliness, depression like never before. I almost committed suicide. That was when I decided to start writing little snippets of stuff. Those would be poems and lyrical phrases. My daydreams of a peaceful existence became clearer as I wanted so much to be a girl.
Then I started sneaking into mom’s room and swiping her clothes and then decided to venture more daringly to dress full time in the house. I knew it was something I wanted to do and it overcame me. I found excuses to dress when they would go out. I started cutting lawns etc and getting money to spend on clothes. All in all I still felt lonely. I asked myself, What would make me happy? The answer was being a girl full time. The next question was why can I not tell my mom about this? The answer was simple… she would tell dad and I would get punished.
The third question is... Why am I so lonely? That answer is not so easy to answer. I turned to music and those songs that resonated the feelings of being alone. Being alone, sheesh what a overstated word. Are we not all lonely at times in our lives? I know I am and I am only 13, sheesh what will my life be like in 10 years, 20 years. Will I still be alone, will I still harbour feelings of inadequacy. Worst of al I still hurt because of those feelings of being inadequate in my own body. At 13, I should not feel this inadequate. Hence why the contemplation of suicide and doing harm to my body.
My association with those around my dwindled significantly over the months and years. My relationships were not strong ones. Rene soon found her clique as did everyone else, then I was alone. They say that friends and family are the closest ones to and that they can hurt you the most in any part of ones life. I read that somewhere. Those I associated with all hurt me. That left me alone, isolated, hurt, and confused. I remembered a song by Journey that I heard on a rock station years later that I guess summed up a significant part of my life. The song is called “Ask the Lonely”. The song is a melancholy of hurt in a person’s life and the resentment they feel towards being alone and isolated. This is my take on the song.
ASK THE LONELY
You’ve been picked and it’s over
What’s that chip on your shoulder!
Outside were solid rainbows
Inside is where the heart grows
Picking up the pieces
Something more to believe in
As you search the embers
Think what you’ve had, remember
Hang on, don’t you let go now
You know, with every heartbeat, we love
Nothing comes easy
Hang on, ask the lonely
Hang on, ask the lonely
When you’re feeling love’s unfair
You just ask the lonely
When you’re in deep despair
You ask the lonely
You’ve got some fascination
With your high expectations
This love is your obsession
Your heart, your past possession
Let down your defences
Won’t be up to the one that cares
As you search the embers
Think what you’ve had, remember
Hang on, don’t you let go now
You know, with every heartbeat, we love
Nothing comes easy
Hang on, ask the lonely
Hang on, ask the lonely
When you’re feeling love’s unfair
You just ask the lonely
When you’re lost in deep despair
You just ask the lonely
