Portrait, Chapter 8

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Portrait
Small Portrait .jpg

by Leslie Moore

Chapter Eight

The whole visit with Matt’s mom and finding about his inheritance still had me spinning.

For the next three days, I wandered around in a fog. I guess I got my work done. I guess I watered the plants. I know I fed Mabel, walked Mabel, and slept with Mabel.

Actually, Mabel was my salvation. I wanted to be with her and I told Matt that I wanted to be alone.

“Why are you punishing me?” He stood there staring at me with pain in his eyes.

I shook my head. “I love you, okay? But, right now, I’m all mixed up. I can’t be in charge of anyone else. I can’t handle my own confusion. I’m sliding down a well into the darkness and I don’t want to drag you along. I’m fucked up and it’s not fair to see you be swallowed down with me.”

Matt refused to leave. “I’ll just be in the other room. I need to prove to you that I love you. I’m a rock. I’m your rock.”

I wanted him to leave and let me have a pity party. I couldn’t succumb to the pain if he was here. I wanted to wallow and sob and bawl. I wanted to let it all go. I really wanted him out so that I could hate myself more. I felt like I needed to punish myself.

It really sucked. I knew what I was doing. I wanted to engulf myself in sadness. I wanted to listen to mournful songs and feel sorry for myself. I knew what I was doing and I knew that it was bad. I knew I should just straighten myself up and tugged myself back up again. Instead, I wanted to make fists and hold my breath and cry.

It was stupid. Like when you eat a whole bag of Doritos and you get nauseous. Then as soon as the sickness passes and you feel better and you eat more Doritos.

I stayed busy. During the day, I was normal. I was working on a set of matchbook covers for a group of bars and taverns. Right, you heard me. You’re asking who needs matches anymore? But these guys said that they were the greatest form of advertisement around and they wanted new designs. I was told that people still collected them.

Matt came by and watched over my shoulder. Mini pop art, I like it.

I guess I was lost in my work when Matt and Mabel came downstairs and entered my studio. I looked up. “Hey.”

Matt smiled. “Mabel and I are going out for a walk and ice cream. We voted that you had to come.”

I was still pissed at the world and was trying to think of some hateful thing to say. The best I could do was “Where are you going for ice cream?” I really wanted to know.

“Mabel wants to go to Howards.”

Howards is the best. Seriously, ask anyone in Brooklyn where the best ice cream is and they’ll tell you Howards. I stood up. “Okay. Give me a minute. I need to change.”

I went upstairs and realized I needed a shower and clean clothes. I wondered when was the last time I had cleaned up. I called down and asked if they would give me a few minutes.

A voice came back up. “Mabel says not to take all day.”

I was ready in record time. Well, I don’t know if it was Guinness Record time, but I was moving as fast as I could. I felt a lot less itchy and skunky when I came back down. We cut through the park. I got mocha chip and Mabel got vanilla. Matt always says he doesn’t like ice cream, then eats half of mine.

As we walked back, I glanced at him. “I don’t want to be rich. I don’t want to be corrupted.”

Matt reached over and took a lick off my cone. Then he kissed me. “Good. I didn’t fall in love with you for your money.”

“Why did you?”

He thought for a minute. “You have an inner glow. I can close my eyes and paint you a million times over.”

“If you liked me so much, why did you pay for my facial surgery?”

Matt didn’t hesitate. “Did it make you happy?”

I nodded. “Yes. It made me very happy. It fulfilled a wonderful dream. But, doesn’t it make you uncomfortable being seen with me? Don’t you worry someone might find out you live with a tranny?”

Matt laughed. “Hey, if I can live with someone who likes mocha chip, then I guess it’s all right.”

We walked along without saying anything for a block. Then I turned to Matt.“I’m afraid.”

Matt leaned in and wrapped his arms around me. “I know. I protect you at nights when the goonies try to get at you.”

“Seriously, Matt. I’m afraid. What if you have all that money and something happens to you or someone realizes who you live with and they shun you?”

“Is that what you’re afraid of? You’re afraid the world will hate me because I love you?”

“It’s entered my mind. I don’t want to cause you pain. I love you but I would rather see you leave me while we are still happy than have us break up angry.”

Matt stared at me. “That’s so fucked up. I say I love you and you tell me you’re radioactive and you don’t want me to die from being around you.”

“Don’t you think that people treat you differently because you’re with a tranny?”

Matt kissed me. “Do I care? I don’t need all those other people, just you.”

I sighed. “When you’re rich can we still live like we do? Does anyone have to even know how rich you are and how you run a charity? Do we have to become like your mother?”

Matt laughed and squeezed me tight. “Oh lord. Shoot me now. You know what kills my mom? She knows I’m going to inherit her money too. It’s all written up that way. And she hates the fact that that money is going to help needy people.”

I laughed. I think it was the caffeine from the mocha chip. But I laughed again. I turned to him and kissed him on the mouth. “I’m sorry. I can be a real ass sometimes.”

Matt kissed me. “It’s good. And you have a lovely ass. Caroline, you keep me grounded. I need you even when you’re fighting the goonies day and night. I just want to make you happy.”

“If you sell your condo and your studio, where will you paint?”

“I can paint in my new studio behind Mrs. McCarthy’s flower shop. There’s great northern light and it’s got a pretty view of your house.”

“Would we still live in my house?”

“Yes. It’s perfect for a couple. Of course, we’ll have to reinforce the clothes pole in the closet and put in a new double shower. “

“Do you always think about sex?”

“I don’t like ice cream so my wants are simple.”

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Comments

I really like this story,

Monique S's picture

Leslie. It is absolutely lovely. Well done.

Hugs,
Monique.

Monique S

thank you

Dear Monique,
Thank you very much for taking the time to add a new comment. It makes writing worthwhile when you know people appreciate what you do!

Great Dialogue

“Do you always think about sex?”

“I don’t like ice cream so my wants are simple.”

Snap back

Yes, I also liked that exchange.

fighting the goonies

"I need you even when you’re fighting the goonies day and night."

never heard it described that way, but I love it.

DogSig.png

Goonies

Your feet are frozen in concrete unable to move. They reach out to touch or grab you. They come out of the shadows.

Daytime goonies are much worse. They wait until you fall asleep sitting up and consume you, never to be seen again.

Seriously?

Thank You

Thank you for noticing. You are always so kind.

You make every day better by just being so kind and generous.

Trans poeple our

our own worst enemies. Sadly a truth in real life.

Worst enemies or best friends?

I think that our desperations manifest in more than one form. Self-doubt and self-loathing create a barrier making it hard to find peace. But that's what you just said,

It so nice to see money doesn't corrupt all of us

It can be a blessing or a Titanic, depending on who's on first. What's the saying? I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is better!

Very nice chapter.

Santacruzman

Does money give you more control over your life?

Having never had much money, I've learned to budget and see the clarity in living with less. My friend feels sad when he can't have the joy of a new car and I find happiness in seeing if my Prius can go another five years and fifty thousand miles.

I'm not preaching but the trust part is based on a dear friend who is part of a family trust. Money hasn't made any of them happier then yours truly.

Thanks and I hope you continue coming back and sharing

Typical guy

Samantha Heart's picture

Thinking about sex lol. Things do seam to better between Matt & our main character. I hope things keep getting better.

Love Samantha Renée Heart.

Sex versus thinking

There's an oxymoron

Well, I do like ice cream.......

D. Eden's picture

But my wants are simple too.

I want to be there when I’m needed. That’s my greatest fear - that I’ll fail at that like I’ve already done before. I promised to bring everyone home, and I failed. That’s what keeps me up at night - those are my goonies.

It is one of this things that many of those of us who are transgender go through. We believe that we’ll never be good enough to be loved. That no one will ever want to be with us because of who we are and how it might reflect on them.

My wife tells me she loves me, but when we are in public I can’t show my love for her. I can’t open doors for her, I can’t open a car door for her, I can’t hold her hand or touch her, and heaven forbid I kiss her in public. I can’t use any terms of endearment in public - I have to pretend that we are just friends. It’s no wonder people like me feel the way we do - even the ones who claim to love us are afraid to show it in public.

This is a really good story and I am very much enjoying reading it. But yeah, it hurts to face things like this.

D

D. Eden

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

We all deserve ice cream

When I was in my rwenties, I knew an older guy who I really admired. One thing I envied about him was he was never alone. He was very popular. Yet, he wasn't physically handsome or special in any way.

One of my biggest fears was growing old and being alone.

I realized he was a giver of love and sincerely cared about others. People were attracted to his generous aura and wanted to be around him. He made them feel good.

I've been working on becoming that pure.

Thank you for the compliment. Thank you for writing.

Keep going just like this

Leslie, the only thing wrong with this story is Matt doesn't like ice cream. ^J^

Maybe three in the bed tonight ?

Karen

Matt seems like a keeper

I hope she can conquer her fears and grab the brass ring.

The Brass Ring

It's ironic how we chide ourselves when we miss an opportunity to succeed. I'd like to think everyday is another chance and another shot at doing well.

Thanks for taking the time to write.

best ever?

I'll tell you about the best ever! I've just started Chapter 28 of A Rose In The Cracks. Okay, and I'm not going to be a spoiler like my neighbor who walked out of the movies and announced to me (he's a little hard of hearing) right in front of the 4:00 crowd, "I can't believe they killed Hans Solo!"

A Rose in the Cracks is staying on the top of the list of transgendered fiction on Amazon/Kindle for weeks and months now. Why? Cause it's one of the best, most loving, most real way to insert yourself into Stacy InLove's transgendered character and the great people that surround her.

This epic story is the best escapism you could buy for under five dollars! I love it. Stacy has worked hard to make this huge book larger than life. Now, that's her best ever.

A good read this........

....and thank you for sharing. It has inspired me to sign in, which is very infrequent. It is nice to find an author that takes the time to build a story and can keep the audience with her as she does so. Looking forward to reading the rest of this now. Thanks!

Hugs
TinaC xx