Brothers-in-Law

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Brothers-in-Law
 
pelicans_0.jpg
 
by Erin Halfelven

 
“Sam? Jerry? Lance?” Mike’s voice quivered a bit, calling out into the darkness.

“We’re here, bro.” Someone answered and three men stepped through the redwood gate between the grapefruit trees in the back of the yard.

“Oh, thank…. I’d better not say that, huh?”

“Probably not,” agreed Sam. He was the tallest of the brothers in law, and the most sarcastic.

“I’m glad you guys came.”

“Not yet.”

“Shut up, Sam,” said Lance, cheerfully.

“Welcome to the fraternity,” Jerry stepped forward to give Mike a hug. A roly-poly teddy bear of a fellow, nobody couldn’t like Jerry.

Mike hugged back. “Thanks…. Thanks, again, guys.” Lance gave a hug, too, and then even Sam wrapped his big old arms around Mike.

“How’s married life treating you?” asked Lance.

Mike looked off in the direction of downtown Los Angeles. It was an unusually clear night in late June, and the lights of Dodger Stadium could be seen just to the left of the high rises, even though the ballpark itself was hidden by the hills of Chavez Ravine. In another direction, the Hollywood sign made its lonely promise of glamor and glitz.

“Huh?” Jerry prompted when the silence had gone on longer than was comfortable.

“Different,” Mike finally managed to say.

They all laughed, a bit embarrassed, but it had been a funny answer.

When they stopped laughing, Mike set them off again by saying, “I never expected this!” Arms waving to show what ‘this’ was, Mike sounded just a little short of hysterical.

They laughed a lot more than it was worth. “At least, at least,” Lance choked out, “you’ve still got your sense of humor.” And they laughed at that, too. Even Mike was laughing.

“Honeymoon’s over?” Sam asked, wiping his eyes.

“You could say that,” Mike deadpanned, but they had laughed themselves out.

“No one claimed marrying one of the DeVane sisters would be easy,” said Lance.

“Marrying one is not so hard, being married to one, aye, there’s the rub,” said Sam.

“Huh?” said Jerry. “It’s the same thing, ain’t it?”

“You guys could have warned me,” Mike complained.

“We tried,” said Lance.

“You weren’t listening,” agreed Jerry.

“Blinded by the blonde hair, the big tits, the coos and kisses, the fact that the DeVane fortune was going to be split four ways between the sisters,” Sam offered as a reminder to Mike of just what the situation.

“Boy, howdy,” agreed Jerry. “I know I didn’t think twice.”

“Have you ever?” asked Sam. “But Old Lady DeVane was taking no chances; she knew her daughters would never marry unless she forced them to. So the will said they didn’t get their full share until they got hitched. All of them.”

“A package deal,” said Lance. “They couldn’t stay rich without husbands.”

“My Sally didn’t marry me for the money,” said Jerry. “She could have picked anyone. She married me because I make her laugh.”

“That’s probably true,” said Sam. “You are re-dick-a-less.”

“Yuk, yuk,” said Jerry, not really bothered by Sam’s taunts.

“I don’t know why Gracie married me,” Lance admitted. “I’m glad she did. Maybe she likes the way I play tennis.”

“She likes the way you service her?” asked Sam.

“That, too,” agreed Lance with a grin.

“Why do I give these guys all the straight lines?” Sam complained. “Well, I know why Dorothy married me. I won the bet.’

“The bet?” Mike almost squeaked. “You made a bet with her?”

“Uh huh. She bet me I couldn’t kiss her seventeen times with my eyes open first thing in the morning when she got up.” Sam looked smug. “Not losing count was the hardest part.”

“Why was that hard?” Mike asked. “I mean, I can guess she cheated somehow….”

“Well, first she turned herself into a warthog and I kissed her twice, then she turned into a thirty-foot anaconda and I kissed her three more times while she was crushing my spleen. Next, it was a stork and she went for my eyes but I held them open with my hands,” he demonstrated, “and kissed her right on the beak, four times. She tried to turn into a swarm of bees after that but I kissed eight of them while they were stinging me and won the bet!” He grinned.

“She wasn’t trying that hard,” said Lance. “Anacondas aren’t even poisonous. Gracie turns into a basilisk when she’s mad at me. My hair wasn’t always this curly, you know.”

“Dorothy must like you,” said Jerry. He held his finger and thumb apart about a quarter inch, “About so-o much.”

“Now, you’re funny,” complained Sam.

“You guys knew the girls were witches before you married them?” asked Mike.

They all nodded. “Sally used to turn both of us into birds so we could fly to Catalina when we were dating.”

“Seagulls?” asked Lance.

“Pelicans,” said Jerry.

Sam scoffed. “Remember he said she liked to laugh? Pelicans are much funnier-looking than seagulls.”

Mike sighed. “Well, no one told me.”

“About pelicans? Oh, you mean about the DeVane witches?” asked Lance.

“We gave you hints. And she must have. Witches can’t get married to someone who doesn’t know. It’s one of those, whatchamacallit, metaphysical laws or something,” said Jerry.

“I guess I didn’t believe her,” Mike admitted. “Freddie didn’t do anything magic until we were on our way to Paris.”

“What’d she do then?” asked Sam.

“She swapped seats. She wanted to show me something out the window, Iceland volcano or something, and I couldn’t see past her. So suddenly we swapped seats. And there it was.”

The others nodded.

“Took me a moment to realize what had happened. And then I still didn’t believe it.”

“Hmm, mmm,” they made understanding noises.

“So then she starts talking about the mile-high club and like that. I thought she was joking, but she said it was our honeymoon. So suddenly, everyone in the plane is not moving and even the plane isn’t moving….”

“Time stop,” said Sam. “Fredericka’s probably the strongest witch of the sisters.”

“And then we had sex. Several times, once on the floor of the cockpit.”

“Cockpit,” said Lance.

“Shaddup,” said Sam.

“And when we got back in our seats and the plane was moving again, I was wearing her clothes and her tits and….her body!” Mike’s voice did rise to a squeak this time. “And she had my clothes and my mustache and my dick!”

Jerry stepped up to give another hug but Sam held him off, giving Mike some room.

“And she won’t give it back. Well, she got rid of the mustache….” Mike waved her delicate arms and tugged at her long blonde hair. “And now she’s decided we should be twins except, except, she’s keeping the… the….”

“Cock,” said Lance.

“Shaddup,” said Sam.

Mike let herself go crying for a bit. “It’s so hard,” she blubbered.

“What is?” asked Jerry.

“Shaddup,” said Sam.

“She wants me to be the wifey, stay home, do the cooking. Look pretty….” Mike gestured at herself. “Don’t I look pretty?”

They all nodded in agreement. "You're gorgeous," said Jerry.

"Of course she is," said Lance.

“Yeah, well,” Mike sniffled. “She didn’t think so tonight. She said I looked like a skank! Well, I’m not the one that picked double-D cups for our shape and if we’re twins, then isn’t she a skank, too?”

“Oh,” said Jerry.

“My,” said Lance.

“You didn’t actually say that to her, did you?” asked Sam.

“Uh, huh,” said Mike. “I need a tissue.”

Jerry produced a handkerchief and Mike blew her pretty little nose. Jerry refused to take the kerchief back when she offered it and she stood there, squeezing it in her hands while she got calmed down.

“We’ve all done stupid stuff,” said Lance.

“Speak for yourself, moron,” said Sam. “I’ve done monumentally stupid shit that pissed Dorothy off. I once spent an entire semester as a kindergarten class’s pet hamster up in Pacoima.”

“Sally turned me into a puppy dog and tickled my belly until I peed on myself, once,” said Jerry.

“Birds,” said Lance. “Gracie likes birds. I’ve been a pigeon and a duck and a grouse while she turned herself into a peregrine falcon.” He shuddered. “But you know, the sex after terror like that is just fucking amazing.”

“Yeah, well,” Mike admitted. “The sex is good, even if I am getting fucked with my own cock.” He sighed. “But now she says we can’t be twins anymore and she won’t give me magic help with my hair and makeup and clothes. I’ll have to learn how to do all that stuff myself. And no magic clean up or laundry, I have to be a real housewife!”

“She’ll get over it,” said Lance. “Maybe she’ll even let you be the guy again?”

Mike shook her head. “You know why she was the last sister to get married? Cause she doesn’t even like males. And Old Lady DeVane was conservative; the girls had to marry men.” Mike sniffed again. “And it wasn’t the money. If they didn’t all marry before Midsummer this year, they’d lose their magic powers.”

“I didn’t know that,” said Jerry.

“Explains a lot,” said Sam.

Mike was in serious danger of crying again. “But now she’s decided she likes being a chick with a dick and… and… she wants kids!”

“Oh,” said Lance.

“My,” said Jerry.

“I think, I think, I think I might be, I think I might be…. She says that I am…” Mike stammered.

“Pregnant?” guessed Lance.

“Well, congratulations!” said Jerry.

“Shaddup,” said Sam.

Mike continued, still wringing the kerchief in her hands. “She wants three, a boy, a girl, and a witch. And… and she says we might as well get it over with and only have to do it once.”

“Oh,” said Jerry.

“My,” said Lance.

“Will you guys cut that out?” said Sam. “It’s not like it hasn’t happened to all of us already!”

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Comments

.

tmf's picture

“Oh,”

“My,”

"I love it."

Thanks and Hugs tmf

Peace, Love, Freedom, Happiness

Thanks :)

erin's picture

It was a silly idea and I ran with it. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

A very different story.

A very different story. Nothing like the TV show "Bewitched" cause it does seem like the brothers-in-law have been in for the time of their lives so far. Just feel sorry for the one whose being jerked around by her wife.

I dunno

erin's picture

Some of the stuff Darrin went through. Probably lucky for him it was a prime time show in the early evening. :)

I can't feel too sorry for Mike because I finally had to get up and write this all down at 2:30 in the morning so I wouldn't have to keep listening to her whine. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Bewitched

terrynaut's picture

This seems a bit beyond the old television show. I like it. I loved watching Bewitched and I love this story.

Thanks and kudos (number 57).

- Terry

I loved Bewitched

erin's picture

The whole cast was fantastic, I could even forgive Dick Sargent for not being Dick York because he was in there trying and it wasn't an easy act to follow. York was an original though and Sargent never had a chance. York's face, his voice, his physicality, no one else could be Darrin.

But none of these guys are Darrin, I recast them from another old television (and movie) classic but no one has seen through their disguises so far. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Question

Haylee V's picture

I think I know who the brothers-in-law are modeled after. Did their real life personas ever work with a guy named Ted Healey?

*Kisses Always*
Haylee V

Yup

erin's picture

:)

You get the no-prize. :) Though I don't know that you could call those real life. :P

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

I like this talkative guy

“Shaddup,” said Sam.

It's great fun to read a good story.

Thanks :)

erin's picture

I like him too. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

LOL!

erin's picture

Sam is implying that they've already had their sets of triplets, or at least been pregnant. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

One man's poison...

laika's picture

I dunno, it sounds like a good deal to me. As long as there was some kindness from my DeVane sister and not just contempt she could be the boss. Mike's witch mistress sounds just plain mean, but some of the other wives seem a bit more playful and fun, and certain mutually desired transformations have potential for some wild times. Although these brothers-in-law (starting out as reg'lar cis guys without my submissive streak) probably had a rougher time of it. Which also makes it funnier. Pie in the face gags are sort of wrecked when the victim likes it...

But I draw the line at being a hamster in Pacoima! Maybe a ferret in Fontana...
~Veronica

I doubt Freddie is that bad

erin's picture

Mike is just being hormonal and shocked. :) Probably can't blame her but I think that's what the guys are thinking. After all, Mike hasn't said anything about being physically forced into these things, more like persuaded with the alternatives. :)

How about a vole in Van Nuys? :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Interesting hook to the story

Interesting hook to the story. I wonder what would've happened to Darin on 'Bewitched' if the show was on at 10 PM. I shudder to think what Endorra would have done! You know Liz Montgomery never twitched her nose. She curled her upper lip.

Hugs, Karen

Witches?

erin's picture

Really, Samantha and Endora were goddesses and Darrin is probably just lucky that neither woman had any serious kinks. :)

Liz tried twitching her nose like the script said but she had that little button and it just wouldn't work. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

A bit confused.

Samantha Heart's picture

The sudup sounds like MO from the 3 stoges

So... ate or have ALL the brothers been pregnant?

Love Samantha Renée Heart.

That's basically what Sam is saying

erin's picture

After all, they married witches. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.