The young woman looks out the door of her home - it's the door of a small 2 man tent - just big enough for her and her gear - she has no house or a fixed home - all ways traveling - never spending long in one place - as she keeps looking for something - what is it she's looking for? - only when /if see finds it will she know - the road calls to her - in a soft yet strong voice - calling like a mare to her foal
- looking out the door towards the other people who are staying at the place she is (a place where she has spent longer than most places - yet it's time to start moving again ) - a mix of children and adults at a horse camp this week - the adults siting around talking in the summer sun - the kids on ponys or having fun in other ways - some of kids say hi as they pass -
silent tears running down her face as she wishes she could be out there with them-on horse back with friends or even spending time with others - in many ways she is still a child at heart - being around others has always been hard - she doesn't make friends easily - harder for her to keep them - she knows with the way her life is she has trust issues having been hurt so often by others -
never fiting in - not being able read people or understand the unsaid rules of peoples lives she spends much of her time on her own - time has little meaning for her - many times forgetting to eat - minutes and hours pass like water flowing down a river - she has no fears - not even fearing death - at times she would of welcomed it - some days are better than others -
at times kids can be so cruel (even the times when they don't mean to be) - with they questions/how they ask then - the looks she gets - the comments/jokes when they think she can't her them - many adults aren't much better - as a young disabled transgender woman she lives in a world the few under stand - offen even well meaning friends just don't get it - they don't see/get how close she is to the edge - at times she runs from people in tears - she's having to cut people out of her life to protect her self as she desperately trys to find her way through her life - though the tears and the nightmares in the night - some times even the nightmares in the daytime...
Still she keeps traveling - all ways traveling - though the joy and pain that her life is - all ways looking for the unknown thing that she is searching for... Others can/will help but in the end only she will be the one to discover and find what she is looking/searching for...
Comments
I did this story today -
I did this story today - today was one of my rough days - this story like my life is what it is
You are looking to find someone to share life with
, and that is what so many of us do look for. Someone who can understand and accept us with all of our faults.
I can relate. It does suck to travel life alone.
Sephrena
Sounds Like My Asperger's, Too
Since starting to transition, 27 years ago, I've tried to make friends. Not a lot, but losing all of them hurt. I dumped a few; they and I couldn't get comfortable or make the time together enjoyable. Most seemed to dump me; only slight hostility in any of the dumps, little emotion or explanation. I guess I was supposed to understand or that a neurotypical would have understood.
Over time, I felt that having a friend might be something I couldn't do. Lower self-esteem leads to more awkward, abnormal behavior (I guess?). Worse depression leads to less motivation, I know, and more social and agora-phobia.
So, I'm a hermit. Luckily, I have a little, messy house free and clear and Kim, who does most of what's completely necessary. Of course, she's not neurotypical either (or cis). I can push myself to see pshrink for Rx's, but usually can't go to the pharmacy, even when I'm out of drugs and Jones-ing. Kim goes and I think my behavior is pathetic and despicable.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee