Tragedy of the Spirit Part 21 DEJA VU

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Tragedy of the Spirit Part 21 DEJA VU

copyrite 2008 paririe_girl_64

Life was always and has never been kind to me. If I could turn the clock back in time I guess I would wish I was never born.

Why? You ask, well it is Deja Vu all over again. The summer started off nice and quiet. Jenn went to visit family and I had reign of the apartment. I had picked up a small part time job at the local convienience store for my first "legit" job. I was happy about that. My hours were only 4 hours Monday, Wednesday, Saturday. A total of 12 hours a week. Not bad considering I would work up to 18 n the street. This was a substancial change. Anyhow, my school work progressed as I took on homework to get ahead in my classes for the fall semester.

My world abruptly thought it would end one friday as I was walking from the library. My nemesis ADAM. He rounded the corner from the library and immediately sought me out by following me to the bus. I quickened my pace and he litterally ran and caught up to me and knocked me down. In broad daylight, he immediatly punched me in the face and started to pound on my body. I had no fight as my hands were kinda pinned by his kneesas he was punching me. I went unconcious soon after and woke up in the ER. My worst nightmare all over again with that prick. The ER nurse, Karen came in and told me that I was raped and started asking all sorts of questions about my gender and my health background etc. Some I was willing to answer others I shrugged off. I know she was trying to help , I was just not to comfortable. Karen told me I was badly bruiised on my face and my rbs were broken(2 left side). I wished I ws dead after the beating I jsut took. I asked her if they got ADAM. She told me she was not sure. I srugged. I hurt like hell. I cried. and then I fell asleep.

Several days passed and I was released from the hospital. I went home and via cab and went to bed on the couch. I made sure tho that the hospital called my work so they knew I was hospital bound. Over the next few weeks I really struggled. Jenn came home and she freaked out. I told her about my run in with ADAM. We had a cry session. I debated yet again my purpose. It brought horrid memories of life on the farm dealing with my abusers,my "father" and "brother". I get depressed really quickly. I wanted to end my life and I almost did, it was the middle of july and I remember grabbing a kitchen knofe with a 6 inch blade and going into the bathroom and running the bath water and climbing into the tub. I remember slashing the insides of both my legs high enuff on them. Near my groin area. I passed out.

I woke in the phsiche ward back at the hospital where only a few weeks previous I was released. I was strapped to the bed with them heavy restraints. I cried. I screamed to high hell over being tied down like a crazed animal. I woke up a day later. I cried. When was this shit ever going to be right for me. I hate my life, I hate FUCKING MEN , I hate everything period. I found out is was Jenn whom had found me in the tub and screamed and called 911. I owe her so much. I wanted to die. I so wanted to end it all and see what came next if anything. Life sucked and I hated everything in it. I even blamed Jenn for rescuing me. I was so angry, all those pent up feelings and emotions flooded back. and I was reliving hell on earth again. I had no escape this time. I was confined to a bed and a room. NOT FUN.

week and a half later a woman came in and sat at the side of the bed and introduced herself to me. Her name was Sheila. Sheila was a short woman of 5 foot 4 and heavy set, not too heavy. She wore glasses and had greyish brown hair. She carried a file folder and a clipboard. She looked at my file and then we started to talk.

Sheila: " Hi Mellissa, how are you feeling today?"

Me: " ok, maybe, not sure, I want out of here"

Sheila: " not going to happen, we have to have a along talk and ten I WILL decide what you will do." she emphatically stated.

Me: " why me, Why can I not die and be left alone."

Sheila: " You tell me why you want to die?, Tell me why you hate yourself?" She had one of those looks that could shake apples from a tree as she stared at me. They were not kind eyes.

Me: " I want too, I hate life, I hate MEN, I hate everything, Why shouldn't I die?" I fired back at her.

Sheila: " Tell me why you hate your life. Tell me why you want to die. You are skipping the questions with asking questions." She made notes and then scowled at me. I could immediately tell this was going to be a long day with this bitch here. I turned my head and closed my eyes.

Sheila: " Why don't yu talk with me, I am here to assist you and hope to help you and then see what happens after our little chat here today."

Me: " why should I, you think I am a freak, a idiot, a nobody, why would you fucking care." she shook her head at me and started to say something.

Sheila: " why would you say that, Mellissa. I am here to help you. I am here to listen to you> I want to help you if I can. I do now some of your background from talking to Jenn. You do remember who Jenn is, right?"

I nodded.

Sheila: " well then tell me , I cannot help yu if you do not open up to me and tell me why you want to die?" her demenour changed slightly to a more calm state.

I told her the reasons why I wanted to die.

Me: " Sheila, the reason I want to die is I cannot keep living and feeling that everyone wants to abuse me and to hurt me . I want to die so I do not want to feel pain, to feel used. Fuck I was used like a punching bag at home for 9 fucking years and then a life of hell on the streets and you expect me to want to keep living. I have nothing to give, I am nothing. I am to be used and fucking abused by everyone and hurt in the process."

She kept writing notes. She was calm and got up after several more questions , never did respond to my response to her inquires. All she did was I will see you tomorrow. I went to sleep.

After the following weekend Sheila paid me a second visit, this one longer than the first and I was alot calmer and somewhat rested. I asked for the restraints to be taken off and they were not. I was told that they would not be til I was no longer a threat to myself. Fuck what can I do there , I had nothing to kill myself with. Oh well. We had a much more intense session. I was told by her that I was what they called a transexual. I never knew. I told her I was forced into this situation and never looked back. I told her I had suffered so much abuse at the hands of my "FATHER" and "BROTHER" that I had no choice to life as a girl and to survive on the streets, I told her about the hormones and my mothers lack of attention and care, I told her of the severe rapes and beatings. THe attemps of suicid eat home, the solation I was in. The freedome I enjoyed when iw as riding. That was the only time I was truely able to escape the horror. She asked me about the hormones and where I got them. I told her that my mother gave them to e in my food. I told her once I was on the streets I bought the pills and took them. I was a nice comfortable 34 c at 18 years of age. I mentioned yto her the horrible sights I saw, the ongoing abuse on the streets I suffered. She looked as tho she could faint as I described the horror I saw when I witnessed the murders. After several hours she left. I was left alone to contemplate my fate. Deja Vu becomes true.....

TO BE CONTINUED

I apreciate comments and points to improve on. I appreciate it very much.

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Comments

i hate adam

thats so sad. Adam is sure a jerk :( But lets be glad your here now.

Yes too a point...

I often wondered long after everything I went through was totally worth it. I still have thoughts of ending it. It is the emotional scars that takes it'sd toll on all abused victems. I have tried not to be a victem in my life , however I suffer like millions of other women out there whom have endurred this. It is called PTSD. Horrible, yet I am still arround, dealing with my inner demons and life as best I can. Thanks Christine, Blessings.

Yes ADAM was a jerk and a thousand other conotations I can tink of. He later was killed in a auto accicent in 1997.

Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)

Captive audience

You have us caught up in your story; the therapist seems to have been sincere and got caught up in your retelling as well. I really can't understand the mentality of a**h***s like Adam, or your 'father' - they seem so feral.... Makes you wonder how deep, or shallow, the veneer of civilization rests on all of us.

He conquers who endures. ~ Persius

I wonder why the hospital wasn't so cautious the previous time.

A child tries to commit suicide, has scars all over his back from beatings, likely has healed broken ribs, bones and other things that X-ays would spot, has been raped repeately so there must be signs of anal scaring and has blood full of birthcontrol hormones and the hosptial noticed none of this? No requirememnt for couseling for the suicide?

Did old daddy grease a few palms, have friends in high places? Intervention a few years earlier might have allowed a chance for a normal life, not the forced life you had to assume. Maybe you always were TG and in their sick, disgusting way they dd you a favor but still ...

From the mom's journal, I suspect the cancer got her, I hope it was painful. How did the abused child get permission to recover things from the house? Did the dying mom have a spate of remorse, finally, for failing her first child and did a murder/suicide on Mr Asshole? Adam never was punished by the law, just died in a crash? And the brother got off scott free?

Powerful and distrurbing stuff.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

I had my way to get the things I needed....

For me to get the information I needed rfrom my mom's journal I snoopped and found them in there bedroom years after. I escaped and reentered the same way . I never got caught.

The hopsital and nor the doctor's that treated me were ignorant and never did thourough exams enuff to notive things like that. I guess maybe I was always Tg, I was thin and shy, that was however no excuse to beat the hell out of me and forcefeed me estrogen, nor right for them to abuse me and for the doctors to ignore that stuff . I agree was incomprehensible to say the least. I suffer to this day and will for the rest of my life. I am colatteral damage while they got what the deserved scott free as they say. My brother well he will rot in hell like the rest of them will. I was locked away for a long time after several attempts to take my life. I pay the price each and every day for ignorance of others and intollerance by those that never understand it nor will understand it. I cope as best as I can . I have released my angst and anger in writing my book. and posting exerps here on BC. For that I am greatful.

I will be continuing for a whiler yet to finish what I need to say and then filling in gaps later. I have to deal and cope with this constant memories of the hell I went through. Thanks John. Blessings to you.

Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)

John in WW is right.

The scars on the back would have been seen, as well as the anal scarring if bedpans were part of your hospital stay (a certainty if restraints were used or you were not conscious for more than half a day or so).
Willful refusal to "see" what is there.
Connected parent, connected religious leader, or grossly negligent hospital and child services staff (and child services are required to be called in on an adopted child attempting suicide)
P.S.
You might want to check out Canadian law, but in the US, laws deriving from British common law have parents of adopted children unable to disown adopted children. Specifics vary from state-to-state,(and probably province to province) but it is almost as predictable as laws against theft. Most states even go so far as to require a larger portion to adopted children than to natural children (double check for your province). It became of interest when I came across a story where that state had a set minimum percentage, and enough adopted children to mandate almost 250% of any estate even if the natural children got nothing (large family, mostly adopted). Solution was to give everything away (relatively fairly by all except one of the adopted kids interviewed) before they died, and 250% of 0 is still 0.
Might frost your "brother" somewhat.

Good Idea....

And thanks I will check that out with a attorney freind of mine. and yes I have been able to obtain the medical records as well from my stays etc. I haven't been able to thouroughly go through them as yet. I will look into this, might fry my asshole brother if I can locate him. finacial resources are tight etc for a PI. I would have no idea where he might be let alone be alive.

Yes the doctors should have noticed if they were seriously looking, that I do not know but will find things out as I painfully search my files of my medical records etc. It is alot to go through. Pian seems to be the story of my life here. I will fight through it tho. Thanks Jhn1. Belessings to you.

Mellissa (prairei_girl_64)

the assholes of the world.....

are not always arround, my life is this and it was and is very hard to tell. I know that there are men that are not assholes, however I have alot of fear and rightfully so to hold that fear. I have nightmares and have had many wrting this story from my journals. I am greatful to Sheila, she helped me alot and she and I have continued a close freindship over the years and at times she has assisted me in dealing with my life's struggles as Jenn did earlier on. Blessing YW

Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)

Melissa, Please Know That

Not all men are like ADAM or your father or brother. There are men out there that will treat you with respect and dignity and not ask you to do anything in return.
May Your Light Forever Shine

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

I am so trying....

to understand that are men out there that are not like the ones I encountered here in my life. I haven't met one that has seen me for the real me tho. I guess I am destined to be single and stay that way, due to my angst and anger. I have never been able to fully trust, nor have I let my guard down either. I appreciate your comments Stan, and yopur continued interest in this true life experience I have endurred. Blessings.

Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)