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I'm still paying for a mistake I made Wednesday

On Wednesday, I made a terrible mistake, and I am still paying for it.

The elevators in my building were not working, and thanks to being in manic mode, I started to panic about not being able to pick up my brother or take out the garbage.

So I made the mistake of taking the stairs down.

Wednesday, I didn't really feel it, but by Thursday, I was in serious pain, and my left leg simply wouldn't work properly.

Since then the pain has gone down, but I am still struggling to stand, walk, or straighten my leg.

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not a good day !

A bit of a shock for me the other day. My friend has passed , too dam young at 21 too dam young . those out there please yell scream grab some one call some one we are here we will listen . my friend i will miss you . i hope you are talking to your creator and at a final peace i am feeling old now as a lot i know are gone we grieve for ourselves not for those who have passed there is sorrow for those who are still here for we bear the pain of friends not here .

rues

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I've unpublished my books from Kindle/Smashwords

This *ISN'T* a bad thing!

We're prepping an upcoming Doppler release that contains all my previous books, PLUS a handful of other stories, so I unpublished the other versions to make sure there weren't any issues with it.


Special Someones, by Melanie E., out soon on Kindle!

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Fa'afafine

For those who are unfamiliar Fa'afafine is the Samoan 3rd gender.
When I first read about fa'afafine, The article said families that had all boys would choose one to raise as a girl to help in the home and look after the parents in old age.

I wrote a story called The Fa'afafine Bill set on an alternative earth. One comment said that it was stupid premiss as men could do the same jobs as women without being women.

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Long time, no write

Well hi.

It's been a long while since I wrote anything and for the first time in all that time, I hope I've actually got something on the go that I can post. Honestly, I'm missing the feedback and the kudos.

I can't say how far through I am, but as much as it pains me, I'm glad I didn't do what I'd done before, trying to make a series on the fly and finding myself up the creek without a paddle. This one, I promised wouldn't go up in parts until I'd actually finished it.

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Thriftbooks .com

I was just reading over at fanfiction .net when one of their inbuilt ad spaces opened to show an add for this seller. AThe first book listed was by the esteemed (fancy word, I know) author ms. O'Malley, Hands of the Morri. It was listed as pre-order. I don't have an account so could not say anything nice about it. But, it is getting closer.

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Dreams

Dreams can be fun. Dreams can be bothersome. I am very fortunate that I seldom have nightmares. I don’t think I have ever had a night terror. Most of my dreams start out of nowhere and fade into nowhere. Many involve my life in the military and the jobs I had. They are never unpleasant. I also have dreams that involve the work I have done since I retired from the military. I worked In loss control for insurance companies. It was interesting work, and I was good at it. I also dream about making love to wonderful women, including my wife of more than 50 years.

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Tragedy in Cycling

I am a very amateur cyclist. But I have some friends who are serious cyclists. And many of us on this blog have perhaps become fans or at least gained a deeper understanding of the sport from reading the many Gaby novels.

So I think perhaps we can all mourn the death on Saturday of 17 year old U.S. cyclist Magnus White. He was hit by a vehicle and killed while training for the upcoming world championships in Scotland.

R.I.P. Magnus

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Free Novella

I've written a new novella called Andy and Dawn.

The story involves a young man, in 1960, who is discovered by a Hollywood talent agent while washing cars. Of course, through a series of events the young man comes to question his/her gender identity. The story is populated with pop culture figures of that era.

As usual, it is my intent to give this book to Doppler Press. All proceeds will go to supporting this site. Rasufelle is already working on the cover art.

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A Request for Feedback (BC User Guide)

Heya folks!

So, I just posted a WIP of a project I'm in the middle of: The BigCloset User Guide. I'm hoping to make it the ultimate one-stop shop for information on site features and story posting best practices.

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/98938/bigcloset-user-...

What I have out is *maybe* 1/2 of what the guide will ultimately be, but part of creating a document like this is getting user feedback on the value of the information provided.

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Rylee Updates

Hi! I think I left Dear Ariel off at chapter 3 and I forgot to tell you guys that I was going off to get my GCS. I came through surgery fine and I'm recovering.. painfully.

Dear Ariel is written up to chapter 5 and 6 is halfway done. There is also significant progress on Fen and Fern Chapter 2, so look for that soon.

I'm on an every two week posting schedule for the moment so while the chapters are longer there's going to be a bit of a gap between them. As always, thanks for reading :)

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Women wearing pants (trousers )

I was doing a little research on just when women started wearing trousers (pants on this side of the pond) and came across this article at Britannica.com.

The last paragraph is precious. "Today in the US, the question of whether women can wear pants in public isn't a question at all, which means we're free to move on to the next frontier of gendered fashion, making it socially acceptable for men to wear dresses. Fair's fair, right?"

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MONES!

Thank [insert deity of choice here] for California health insurance!

I had my doctor's appointment with Planned Parenthood this morning, and just got the call from them that my prescriptions for Spiro and estro patches have been called in to the pharmacy!

So, within the next couple days, yo' girl is gonna be on the girl juice! Woo!

And I got ANOTHER great piece of news too: my insurance *actually covers hair removal.* I'm not certain how much/where, but that's a HUGE relief.

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Russia a hostile place for trans people

While the Labour party in Britain struggles with the gap between trans rights and feminist worries Russia has no such worries, Putin has banned all treatment for transgender folk making it illegal. And I thought we had problems in the west.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/jul/24/vladimir-putin...

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That Was Unexpected

If one is stealth and not ready to out themselves, be vary wary of Mother Nature's Temporary Tattoo Parlor. Many years back I tried to get a bikini tan. Hours sunbathing, front, back and eventually if one wasn't too judgmental and used a lot of imagination it was possible to see I had been wearing a bikini while out in the sun. Over the years the results are about the same. Sadly I didn't have the opportunity to show off my bikini tan line to anyone. Okay, the dogs, cats got to see. My doctors only asked me to remove my blouse when they are behind a lead wall and aren't looking.

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Cathy Michel

Cathy Michel called me this morning. She wanted everyone to know that she is still alive and keeping up the struggle. She has given my phone number to her caregivers so that in the event something happens, they can call me and let the BC community know.

Cathy is unable to sit at the computer and work or even read at this time, but she wants everyone to know how much she loves us all collectively and many of us individually as well.

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Norton -- The Irony

From Norton's latest log of resolved security risks:

7/20/2023 9:11:43 PM,High,Norton Internet Security 2006 Password Manager setup.exe (Heur.AdvML.B) detected by Virus scanner,Quarantined,Resolved - No Action Required,Threat Actions performed: 1

 

7/20/2023 8:28:37 PM,High,Norton Internet Security 2006 Password Manager setup.exe (Heur.AdvML.B) detected by Virus scanner,Quarantined,Resolved - No Action Required,Threat Actions performed: 1

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Referral pt 13 - The complaints

It's been and up & down week, and it was only Thursday when I received the latest news from the local NHS complaints office:

"Your complaint and the response from the practice, together with your recent emails is currently undergoing an independent clinical review. We will of course let you know once this has been completed."

So all I can now do is wait.

I have asked, several times, for a change of GP but I've heard nothing about it as yet - that doesn't have to depend on the complaint(s) but I suspect they have linked the request with the original complaint.

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why am I doing this to myself?

As most of you can tell, "Games without Frontiers" is pulling from the darkest part of my past, and then spinning it by imagining if I had been given support right away.

And writing it is stirring up my PTSD like crazy.

So why am I doing this to myself?

Because I think I have no choice.

This story is bubbling up every time I go to bed, so by the time I wake I either write or explode.

So the story will continue, and I will need all the support I can get.

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Criticism vs Critique

I grew up with the phrase, "Provide constructive criticism".

On my Authur page, I have the comment: "I share my creativity with you and look forward to hearing your constructive criticism."

Today someone suggested I change the word "criticism" to "critique" to be less . . . harsh? less negative?

What do you all think? Should I use the "criticism" or "critique"?

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tough couple of days

So I have had a tough time the last couple of days.

Been fighting PTSD, and dealing with depression at the same time.

And just for the sprinkle on top, I have also been dealing with gender dysphoria.

But I will not surrender, and the sun will shine again.

Until it does, I appreciate any huggles you guys want to sent.

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everyone should know

I just learned from a radio program that the national (USA) suicide hot line number is 988. They said that only 17% of Americans are even somewhat aware of this. I think that particularly with some members of this site it should be 100%. The menu at the start of your call will get you connected to a live counselor specializing in veterans, lgbtqi, or other areas. I hope you never need it but it can't hurt to know it.

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Referral pt 12 - New referral

I've had an email today from the Tavistock & Portman NHS Trust to confirm that they have accepted a referral for me. I immediately responded, asking them for my effective referral date and who made the referral. The answers took 15 minutes (!): 26 July 2022 and my GP's team made the referral.

So it's in. Unfortunately the other piece of information from the Trust was that they are giving first appointments to patients with a referral date in July 2018! So if you felt tremors, it's not because I'm jumping up and down with joy.

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On a positive note...

A little while ago, Jessica C (from Germany) posted that she was visiting a small town in Canada, near London, Ontario and asked if anyone wanted to get together. I corresponded with her and since I live near Detroit, MI, and London is only about a two and one half hour drive. We agreed to get together. There is a small town called Stratford that is also near London and is famous for their Stratford Festival during the summer where they put on first-class plays. I made arrangements and we agreed to get together and see Shakespeare's 'Much Ado About Nothing'.

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Pleasantly Surprised...

...to discover that my work is being pirated online.

Earlier this year, I noticed one of my pen names come up on a routine online search. The link led to the "erotic fiction" section of a (fairly) well known file-sharing site. Apparently, people have been trading PDFs of my short story collections since (at least) May 2020. These included most of my anthologies and related artwork.

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The more I write...

The more I'm writing my stories, the more stories I'm outlining. I'm trying to stop outlining stories, but if I think my stories are bad, I write another story, not to post it yet, but to see if I can get better at writing. I think I could write 15 stories with the outlines I have. Anyway, hope everyone is fine...

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Another non trans book recommendation

I just finished reading Horse by Geraldine Brooks. I hadn't read anything else by the author and chose it almost at random from the available titles at the library. She does a remarkable job of combining the true history of the greatest race horse of the nineteenth century with her fictional tale of slavery and of racism then and now. While referencing physical abuse and family separations she brings home the truth of Frederick Douglas's explanation of the harm of slavery even under a "good" master.

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Dear Rylee available for Pre-Order on Amazon

'Dear Rylee' is being taken down from BCTS, save for the first three chapters and the epilogue due to Amazon's policies, but there is good news! The ebook will be released in a few days, meaning you can purchase that, or buy the print version. It would also be a shame if you could click here and just get the whole damn thing for free.

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She Possessed all the Brownie Points

At Costco, in OKC, yesterday back at the pharmacy dept. She is one of those women we all write about. The one in ten thousand females we lesser mortals never see. Let me set the scene. Her facial features had the looks of a top movie actress. She is wearing lycra or painted on polished black pants along with a crop top same material. From my long experience judging women’s measurements, she was a thirty eight, twenty six, thirty eight. Her polished black hair in a ponytail still reached the top of her buttox. Her age was around twenty six. She was wearing strappy sandals.

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Has the traffic on BC reduced?

I have noticed that the last several stories I posted are not getting many reviews. Two years ago, it was common to get 20-30 reviews from a post and now it is a struggle to get 5.

The reason I write is primarily an outlet for myself and secondly to support the readers here and the site.

I admit that reviews of my stories help motivate me as I love hearing how what I wrote helped someone, even if it was just to take their mind to a better place for a few hours.

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Being Trans.

I wouldn't call myself homosexual having never had willing penetrative intercourse other than anal rape. Many years later I look back at the three boys who did it and hope that they repented and had good lives. When it happened, the victim was blamed as much as the assailants. The PTSD and Psychologists who drove surgical intervention were as much at fault as I am. Lately I am just sure that I would have done fine as a crossdresser. I did not know it at the time but the peculiarities of law mean that if I had not started living as a woman, I might be living in a tend or even dead.

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a very strange dream

Okay so last night, I dreamed I was back in university, and for some reason I decided I was ready to come out as Dorothy.

I was told there was a building with a lot of clothes and other items being given away, so I went there, and after riding the most bizarre series of elevators ever (it was more like a ride at an amusement park) I found the place.

But looking at the clothes, they were apparently discards from the drama department, and I decided that was of little help to me, as I wanted to look as much like a regular female student as possible.

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my brother has a new health problem

So when my brother came over on Friday, he told us that his doctor had a lot of trouble finding a pulse on his foot.

Now, none of the reasons this could have happened are good news, but some are obviously worse than others, and I'm going to admit I'm worried.

So I'm taking all hugs and prayers anybody wants to send my way, and if you would include my brother in those care packages, that would be awesome.

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My partner just died

My partner, Laura, of 33 years just died.

One moment she was struggling with a bad chest congestion and next moment her heart stopped and she stopped breathing.

I was there when it happened. As soon I realized she had stopped breathing I called 911. The EMTs were there soon after.

I am still in shock at the moment.

She was far from perfect but she was all I had. She struggled with alcoholism, fallout from a fall that hit her head, depression, deepening memory issues, psoriatic arthritis. She was basically bed bound for the most part.

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Hyperfocus

It might surprise some people who know me as having focus issues - ie: "Squirrel" every few seconds, but on a few occasions I have actually been able to enter a state of hyperfocus.

Now, its possible I'm wrong, but I think this state is a combination of being in manic mode while also wanting to disassociate due to PTSD triggers.

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Referral pt 11 - New complaint

Ever since my name & gender change was official, in March of this year, I have been informing various folk officially of the change. One of those was the Tavistock & Portman GIC Trust in London. When I received a "who are you" back in May I had to let them have my old and new NHS registration numbers, but they couldn't find me. Most recently I sent them the referral documentation.

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Midweek from GOC

for the last time! Well for now, i shall be back.

Its been quite an eventful month, one that i'd rather not repeat although there have been some good days, but on Friday i will be back on a bus to Brizzle. Things with father have settled down, his time in the convalescent home will depend on the physio so there is no necessity for me to stay longer, my brother should be about for visiting purposes from Friday. The other thing delaying my return south has been my back, its not right yet but i should manage the journey without too much discomfort by travel time.

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The return of raffa01...again

Well, it's been 3 years since I posted a story for through the years and two years since my last blog. Life has been busy, but I think I finally got some stuff done and wanted to post again. I looked and saw I've been on this site for over 12 years now. So what a better way than bringing out my original story and continuing it

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An era is ending

For many years me and Fiona have provided an IRC server with Ellesmera.dragonaerie.de. However, since about 6 years we have seen a steady decline in people visiting. Only spam bots found it then and when. We kept the service up, even when the network split occurred and when the chat moved to discord.
Nothing much happened there for the past 3 years, so today has been the day, I have finally switched off the IRC server. Ellesmera is no more.
It has been with us for a very long time.

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Had an interesting thing happen

So I had an interesting thing happen in March this is the first time I have thought about it since then

I was at a birthday party for my friends kid.

Her aunt started trying to tell me being trans goes against the bible.

I looked at her and told her that trans people have been around since before the pack of lies called religion and that we would be here long after then I quoted a bible verse of proverbs 4/7 talking about knowledge wisdom and UNDERSTANDING and got her to shut up

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"Duets" Now Available on Kindle -- Please Review!!!

I'm incredibly excited -- My first book is available on Kindle!!! Appropriately enough, the very first installment of Duets (then "Duet") was posted on BC almost exactly a year ago. All proceeds will go to BC, so I hope anyone who liked the story will be inspired to purchase it and give a review! :D The revised version of the first few chapters is now available on the site as a teaser.

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Well this is a new one, to me anyway

This is probably nonsense, but it is a theory I had not heard about trans folk. This is about the effect of pollution on gender.

Recent evidence indicates that phthalates from plastic and polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs) are one of many factors predicting gender dysphoria, particularly in the case of male-to-female transgenders.

Polluted groundwater yields ambiguous genitalia for vulnerable species. The modern human environment is replete with substances that mimic sex hormones. Could these chemicals play a role in contemporary gender fluidity?

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I think my mom has PTSD

My mom had a tough day, as she got in the middle of a fight between 2 of her sisters.

When she came home to talk to me about it, I mentioned that one of the two has some autistic like qualities and has been like that since she was born, and somehow, that let my mom to start talking about losing her first child, the one she had before Mike and I.

Which got me thinking she might have PTSD because she talked about it not like a memory, but like she was reliving it as she spoke.

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Hello, Again

Time brings perspective. My writing process has remained consistent over the years. Once I have a decent manuscript, I set it aside to give me the perspective of a reader when I do a final edit.

In early May, things on BC seemingly became toxic for me. I had lost my rudder and needed a change in perspective. So – I took a time out.

Nothing about BC had changed to elicit the feelings I was experiencing. The fault rested with me.

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One-year anniversary with BC

So, the site tells me I have been on BC for a year and a day (Insert picture of champagne bottle here)! I’ve posted a lot of what Janet Seldon called “words ’n’ shit” over the last twelve months.

Maybe too many.

If I’ve been annoyingly eager, annoyingly enthusiastic, or just plain annoying, I apologize. There are times when I know I’ve butted up against the three golden rules, and I’m extremely sorry for that. You are a wonderful group of people, and you have been very welcoming. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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~ Personal Ask ~

Hi wonderful BCTS family!

I hope everyone has been doing as well as possible, especially if you're stuck in the parts of the world affected by the horrible heat and humidity at the moment.

I've been dealing with some not fun medical stuff, and it's making things really difficult and expensive here. I've started having seizures more often, and we don't know why just yet. I've had to take a few new meds, buy new medical equipment and severely reduce my hours I put into my on the side jobs.

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Error with my story

Okay so, I recently posted chapter 15 and 16 of my story. For some reason, however, the site glitched and made two chapter 16s, could someone please delete one of them? Preferably one that doesn't have comments. I don't see a delete option, I apologize for any inconvenience, I just don't really have anything else I can really do

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