Every day, I'm faced with choices. Some are trivial, some could be life-altering. Sometimes, I can see the right choice without much problem, and others I really struggle with trying to figure out what to do.
One choice I'm dealing with right now has to do with my plans for mother's day. See, my ex, my mom, my daughter, and my brother and sister-in-law are going to a restaurant, and of course I'm going to.
But the question I've been dealing with is this: What the heck do I wear?
I got one strange piece of advice from my councilor yesterday, and that was that I should flirt with people - not in a "I'd like to date you" kind of way, but be friendly and complimentary and social. I'm not entirely sure I know how to "flirt" causally as a male would, much less how a woman does it, so it could be interesting ...
I had my session with my rape councilor today, and among other things we talked about boundaries. Its something I struggle with, tending to go back into passive-aggressive rather than state my needs and wants clearly.
But, bit by bit, I'm getting stronger and more confident, and I hope to continue my growth in this area.
I had a spiritual moment today on my way home from watching "The Avengers". All of a sudden, I felt .... connected to everything around me. That me being trans isnt a mistake or sin but exactly what I'm supposed to be at this moment. I cant do justice to it, but it was amazing, and comforting.
I've been thinking a lot about what's been going on between me and my brother and sister-in-law, and I think I understand their point of view. Essentially, they dont think that Dorothy is real, that there is no woman buried under this male flesh.
I'm pretty sure most of you have seen the image - the person faced with a choice with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, trying to decide which way to go.
Well, I have at least one devil on my shoulder, whose name is Worthlessness, and today he was very active, listing all my failures, ready to convince me I am only a source of grief to those who dare come close to me. It got to the point where I was seriously trying to figure out if ending my life would be a net gain for the people around me or not.
just came back from a regular maintenance for my car, and the lady complimented me on how well I've maintained the car since I bought it. As someone who struggles with feeling competent, it felt rather nice.
Well, I just came back from seeing the gender specialist, and I have great news. He's set up an appointment for me to get my 2nd opinion for December, and assuming that doc signs off on me, He will help me push the Alberta Government to cover the cost of my surgery.
This could actually happen.
In a couple of years, I could be female in body as I am in heart.
I'm not sure what's going on in my head at the moment. I feel so depressed I could curl up into a ball and so up I could practically float away, both at the same exact moment.
I've been having an email conversation with my brother's pastor, who thinks this transition is a sin. I'm so tired of feeling like I'll never be accepted by my faith, and that I must choose between being a Christian, and being transgender. Ask me which leg I'd rather have removed, it would be an easier choice ...
As I have noted before, I've been amazingly blessed in this journey, and now I would like to turn that situation around, and be a blessing in return. So this is my prayer at the moment:
Dear Lord, make me a blessing. Use me to bring good to the lives around me. And make me into the kind of woman who is a good example of what You can do with a willing heart.
As most of you know, I like to try different things with my writing, some work, some dont. With my latest piece, I wanted to create an interactive story, where the readers would determine what happens next. Based on the number of kudos, I'd say it didnt come off as well as I could have hoped.
Just wanted to share a bit about my latest piece, "Understanding Rachel". It came about as I was on the phone with Tels, and suddenly I looked at how I was sitting. Without thinking about it, I had slipped into a very feminine posture. Even my mom noticed, and started calling me a teenage girl. So after my phone call, I started writing it down, and the story just flowed from there. I hope you all enjoyed it, and thanks to those who have commented.
well, I had a productive day off today. I took a load of my old boy clothes to a charity, and then took my bottles to the depot to be recycled. The lady at the depot called me Ma'am, which was a nice touch. Then I took the money I had made and got a pedicure done, which really made me very happy, even if I found the lady who worked on me rather brusk. The end result of it was I now have radioactive pink toenails, which will keep me smiling for a bit.
yesterday at work while I was in the washroom, I stood up, and for a moment saw myself pants down in the mirror, seeing everything. I dont think I could possibly explain how ugly that part of me seems to me, how ... wrong it feels to have male parts.
well, I planned to meet a friend for lunch today, so I got a little femmed up for the occasion - skirt, hose, heels, necklace, lipstick and eye shadow. I had a nice lunch, and am doing my laundry with no hurry to change into pants for work. Its hard for me to explain to someone who isnt trans how .... nice a feeling this is.
went to a bible study run by my brother's church last night. It was pretty good, and they called me Dorothy without hesitation. Not sure what they thought about the whole thing, it simply never came up. But the end result is I got what I want more than anything else - to treated like the woman I am.
Well, despite the temptation to wallow in feeling down, I'm fighting back. Yeah, sometimes, life sucks, but you got to carry on. Its not in good times you find out who you are, but how you deal with troubles. So I'm going to keep fighting to find positive things in my life, no matter how hard I have to look. I'm a stronger woman than my fears would have me believe, and I can do this.
well, I'm making some progress on my "quest" story. I've now done 20 chapters, almost 30,000 words. I've also got a "road map" so I know basically where the story is going from here. The way I see it, it should take 5 more chapters to wrap things up, and if I can average just over 2,000 words per, I'll go over the magic 40,000 word mark, and have an honest-to-goodness novel on my hands.
Well, things could get very dicey here after the election. One of the candidates of the party most likely to win is on record as saying gays and lesbians will burn in hell. Now, he's trying to say he said that as a pastor, not as a politician, but the party is also on record as saying it will allow marriage commissioners to not recognize a gay couple that comes in to get married, even though gay marriage is perfectly legal here.
Well, yesterday I went to the trans group pot-luck, and it was good, but apparently, my friends there are worried about me. They told me they can see both the manic and the depression, and that I need to get it under control, or I risk something bad happening.
Now, the person I was would have said, "Serves me right for opening up. I try to be honest, and they think I'm nuts." and would have withdrawn from the group.
But I'm trying to be a better person now, and sometimes, that means I have to be able to know when people are trying to tell me hard truths to help me.
You may be familiar with a poem called "Footprints" where a person looks back on their life and realizes how often God carried them through hard times. Well, God has been walking me through some "footprints" moments the last little while. Not so much about hard times, but just how He has put me in just the right place at just the right time to receive a blessing. I could give lots of examples, but two really stand out for me. First is the very existence and presence in my life of my daughter.
I was listening to the radio the other day, and this woman was talking about being able to see blessings even in some hard times. Now considering she had been raped by her father, that's pretty amazing ability. So it got me thinking, can I find a blessing in being trans? Well, maybe there are some. I think I've become more patient of the failings of others, and more grateful for the moments of femininity I get than I probably would have been if I had been born fully female.
Maybe, as I grow as both a woman and a Christian, I will find even more blessings. I pray it will be so.
I'm not sure how best to describe what its like for me, to finally be able to push past fear and live as the woman I know I am, especially on days when I can get a little bit femmed up. I just feel so at peace with myself, so nice, so RIGHT ... How did I ever go so many years without it? Ah, well, better late than never, right?
well, I'm a little shaky thanks to a conversation with someone on the support site I belong to. She told me she was being used by her own father for sex, something she described in some detail, and she refused any idea of reporting him or stopping him.
I ache in grief for her, but I had to let her go because considering my background, it was all I could do to not throw up while she was talking, and I got very upset at her lack of interest in helping herself.
well, I had a good session today at the rape center, and I fell as good as can be, considering. We talked about my nightmares, and my therapist said it actually represents some signs of progress, because in each dream, I intended to act, rather than simply freeze. Baby steps, I guess.
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Joyce Melton
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