I have come to a crossroads in my life and have made a decision. It is life altering but it is a decision I must make.

You don't get a choice in where you are born, or what your body is like; male or female, tall or short, fat or skinny (usually), athletic or very intelligent. You don't get to choose the color of your skin, your race (we're human) or your ethnicity. At 56 I have finally come to accept that for about the last 10 years my testosterone levels have been falling and the ratio of testosterone-to-estrogen has has gotten to the point where the estrogen in my system has become the dominant hormone. Last year my chest became sensitive and in June I noticed a lump forming on both sides of my chest (in my breast area). It took several months to get funding to have a mammogram done because while funding for women is readily available funding for men is not. Thank God the lumps were found to not be cancer. They are mammary gland tissue developing. I can live with breasts. The estrogen in my system is changing the way my brain handles information and testing has shown I now process information like 50% of women (tens of thousands have taken the same tests). More and more I am desiring to have my own breasts and to look pretty. This is how the hormones are affecting the way I think.

Starting in January of 2013 I began dreaming that I was a real woman in mind and body. That has happened seven times now that in my dream I was 100% female. In one dream I even had sex with a man and enjoyed it. Imagine how confused I was when I woke up. I shared the dreams I was having with my councilor and even got a second opinion. They both said the same thing - wait for 1 year before making any major decisions. If I still desire breasts or want to become a woman then I can talk with a councilor who specializes in gender identity disorder. In the mean time, I am experiencing some rather drastic mood swings. My daughter deals with these all the time and she is a big help to me. She pointed out that this is a naturally occurring process and I should just accept it and get on with life. Since I am disabled and cannot work (I'm in pain 90% of the day, every day. It interferes with my concentration and I can't stay on my feet very long) I cannot afford to take the male HRT ($350+/month) for the rest of my life. Since my body is naturally (although slowly) changing me, the only option I can afford is to become a woman, legally. While that is not cheap either, the costs to change are limited and my body will support the change on it's own without having to take female HRT for the rest of my life (in all likelihood).

So as I see it there is really only one choice to make: 1) to resist the change and drive myself and others crazy OR 2) to accept the natural changes and live my life to best of my abilities with the situation that God(the divine being) has given me. Since my life has always been in God's hands, and I trust God to what is best for me even if I don't understand why, there is really only one course I can choose - to live my life the best I know how to and let God deal with what I cannot control. So I choose option 2.

I have been praised by my work supervisors in the past for being adaptable. So I plan on getting through this no matter what and next year I will see a councilor to help me with my gender identity disorder. The road to becoming a woman this late in life is not one I would have chosen for myself, but it is the "hand that life has dealt me" and I have no choice but to play it out.

If you know or meet anyone else who is in a transsexual (whether male-to-female or female-to-male) please be kind and tolerant of them and the choice they had to make. Otherwise you may be interfering with God's choice for their life. And believe me if you fight against God (however you perceive the Divine) you will lose.

note: Christians, look at what happened to Saul of Tarsus as one example, or those who tried to kill Daniel (the lion's den). Others just examine your holy texts to find out how the God you worship deals with those who fight against them. Remember God is in charge, not you.