The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #62: What can you do? To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I don't know if you read my blog from a couple of months back, but, in that blog, I talked about a friend who was having problems at home, including fighting a weight problem and a diabetic condition (she had lost a foot already), and her insistence on continuing with transitioning.

As with most families, her family was not uderstanding of her transgender issues, and it has become worse and worse for her (She said, "I have examined my living conditions, and found them wanting."). Her children have even threatened her with violence. She and I talked about it and we both agreed that, if she continues to insist on pushing through with her transitioning, there really is no choice but to move out. She set it for July 1, a date I'm sure she picked at the time because she felt it was far enough away to be comfortable.

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/43879/family-girl-55-remi...

Alas, it's July 1 today. And it hasn't happened. I guess I just have to shrug and say to myself, "what can you do?"

I suppose I should be more understanding and go easy on her. After all, I should know how difficult it is to transition, to live on your own, without the support of your family, and to do all this knowing that they disapprove of you.

But, like most of us TG folk who found ourselves in similar straits, my friend's decision has boiled down to an either-or equation: either (one) she continues to live with her family, which means living a more conventional life and forgetting (or at least postponing) her transitioning; or (two) she moves out and lives on her own so that she can continue transitioning, but she must accept all the risks and disadvantages of being on her own.

I guess I do understand how difficult it is, but there really is no choice - it's either one or the other. A tough decision has to be made, between two almost-equally intolerable options. Nevertheless, a decision has to be made.

But she has already laid down one of her "parameters" for making her decision - she will transition, regardless of posible health risks or the disdain she will receive (as she is presently recieving) from her family.

We have talked about her plans for transitioning for more than two years now, but she is very adamant about pushing through with this. Though I am sympathetic, I said that it is better to put her family and her health first, and think about transitioning later (at the very least, postpone it until her health is better). But I guess I wasn't too persuasive - I suppose I am not the ideal person to be the one to say this to her - after all, several years ago, I was as determined to push through with my transitioning, despite what anyone says.

I guess I was thinking about her health issues (diabetic, weight), and the fact she just had her foot amputated at the time. Transitining, and monkeying with one's hormone and blood chemistry, is contra-indicated, to say the least.

But I guess not everyone can be an Aunt Andrea, who has the strength of will to put aside her need to transition because of her medical condition, and because she didn't want to hurt her family. I know I cannot be as strong.

Which brings me to the second part of my argument - that perhaps it is more important, for now, for my friend to put the needs of her family first. She has said that her wife and children do not want to interact with her because she came out to them. She has said that her kids are disgusted with her. But she has decided to still push through.

I guess not everyone can have a family like Annette's, who were understanding about her transgenderism, and, even if they were not a hundred percent on-board, they were willing to work at it. I know my family wasn't. It was just being faced with my transitioning after the act did they relent, and tried to accept and understand.

Two years of a lot of back-and-forth, my friend and I, discussing this. Two incredibly long years, peppered with long periods of silence between arguments, and with lots and lots and lots of plans that never materialized and remained unrealized.

Anyway, it is "Option 2" - most definitely and adamantly option number 2: she will continue with her transition. And in order to do that, she will be moving out, supposedly July 1.

But like I said, this won't happen, at least not on July 1. In our last chat two weeks ago, she said: "Maybe I now have dates scheduled for picking up a trailer, packing it, and leaving Southern California. I will be leaving here on July 12, spending two days in Sedona Arizona (non-refundable booking fee paid), then meeting up with friends of my landlord/friend/cousin's widow on the 20th, and arriving in my new home on Monday the 22nd."

I won't say I don't believe her, but she has made so many, many, many declarations about things that she says she will do but never does, or postponed things only for them to fall by the wayside. But like Erin says, give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Here's another thing: as per our agreement last April, I was supposed to remind her about July 1st from time to time. And the last time I did, well, all I can say is that I got an earful.

I guess I find it a little, well, I guess I am finding this a little hard and tedious now. In all the interactions I have had with my friend, I have tried to be open and honest, and to speak my mind, and to try to be truly helpful. Thing is, perhaps my friend was just looking for those "fair weather" type of friends that say good things at the appropriate times, and nothing else. If so, then that is my mistake - because I was trying to be a real friend, giving (what I thought was) meaningful, logical advice, even if they were "hard" advice.

I guess, if my advice was the opposite of what my friend wanted to hear, then it's only natural that she resent it. But I guess it's only natural also, for me to feel unappreciated for trying to help. It is a thankless job to want to give someone clearly in need of some direction some advice, but also clearly not open to it. I guess, if you're looking for an analogy, it's like a nurse forcing a patient to take her medicine.

But I am not her nurse.

I guess over the two-three years I have been having these exchanges with her, i got tired, and a little resentful that my advice has never ever been taken, and my tone and turn-of-phrase has become more and more critical, and less and less gentle and conciliatory as a consequence. In my defense, I guess I was feeling more and more frustrated, that the "steady decline" of her situation might have been arrested were some of my advice was considered (that sounds so arrogant, huh? I apologize - guess i'm just venting).

In our last exchange, my friend said, "I hope, and pray, you will be willing to continue to provide a cautionary voice." But I think I won't anymore. If what she wants are the platitudes and motherhoods that others tell her, then that's all I am gonna give her from now on. I guess it's what's needed for me not to resent her (and her me), and continue to be a friend.

She also said, in our last exchange, "I guess what I was reacting to was the perception that July 1 was a make or break day as to what the rest of my life is going to be. My perception, right or wrong was it was also a make or break day for our friendship. We haven't chatted about anything other than July 1."

No, I will continue to be a friend, but just one of 'em run-of-the-mill friends. No more hard advice that only stirrs resentment, and, yes, we'll talk of other things from now on, and nothing remotely related to our talks about July 1.

I just hope that, past her resentment of me, she will see that I REALLY do wish her well, that it all does work out for her, and that she becomes a happier person. And I hope that she's still willing to be my friend.

To my friend: so your new "day of reckoning," is on July 12. But don't worry - I won't remind you of that anymore, nor give you further advice about such things ever again, nor be such a busybody and interfere with your life again. But that doesn't mean that I don't want it to work out for you. Whether it works out for you or not, all I can do at this point is to shrug my shoulders again and say, "hey, you can never tell."

But I really do wish it works out for you, my dear.
  

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