Stlll gaining ground

Well, I hit a new low, a good one. I am now down to 192 pounds, and holding. Now to get through Thanksgiving without putting any on, which is almost inevitable, but I have managed to keep the controlled loss going so far. I am planning stopping just short of anorexia, say under 170 pounds, then letting HRT put the fat back on where it will.

About three weeks ago I had stalled for a month at 200 pounds, I took two 6 mile walks in two days, that did the trick. I've bought a GPS pedometer/bike unit for around $90 to keep me honest after the two walks. Since then I've put in a 7.2 mile walk. You would think a single walk isn't that effective, and indeed I showed no loss that day, but several days later I had dropped several pounds. I suspect it is related to metabolism.

The depression has been pretty bad, especially when my job announced mandatory 7 day work weeks until past New Years, this at the beginning of Nov. It was a bit of a struggle, but I've managed to shift my head into a better place. I wrote our HR about it protesting. I don't know if it was what made the difference, but they have backed off to no more than 13 days contiguous (with the rest still mandatory). I suspect HR pointed out our labor laws to a certain manager. The original plan would have involved 31 days contiguous between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

In one way it has done me some good. I was obsessing about the job, 9 out of 10 of the girls in my support group have lost their jobs, only one was what I would call honest, given 300 fellow employees went with her. To say I am afraid is an understatement, and I was not thinking clearly. Once I realized it was a family vs. work situation, and that my job is basically not at risk if I miss coming to work 10PM on Thanksgiving and Christmas day (did I forget to mention that?) All part of being 3rd shift, and they have backed off on that too.

I am still in stealth mode, my name is Bill, but Wendy is the front runner for the new me. I also like Sherri, but nothing is written in stone yet. One thing about the slow road, I have given myself lots of time to think and reflect. While I have momentary doubts (as it OMG! What in Hades am I doing!?!) it feels right, I just wish I had done this sooner. Given my Dad was a very dominant figure in my life, he retired a Master Sargent in the Air Force, I may not have been able to sooner though. I miss all my family deeply, all that is left is brothers kids, whom I had the privileged to raise when he died. The two older girls are not handling the new me very well, which is unfortunate since they are missing the last days of Uncle Bill, and when/if they ever do try to re-establish contact will have to do so with Wendy if they put it off too long.

My boy, who is like my son, has been nothing but supportive. He saw when I was at my deepest lows, he knows how close a call it really was.

I have come out to HR at work, my company is based out of Boston, and is both very progressive and firm about diversity and discrimination. This is good since there is another trans at work (FtM), we are pretty close. They even have some trans medical insurance, which is unheard of (and contributed to my unhealthy mindset). I went to the family doc and asked for a antidepressant, which I was given a prescription for. I need it badly.

About 20% of the folks at work know about me, when they mentioned in the diversity training (which they set up after learning they had no less that 2 of us) that there were 2 people at the shop transitioning some people put two and two together. The rest see what they want to see, things like long girly nails the long hair I am starting to grow do not register if I don't paint or dye them (but clear coat on the nails is OK). They probably think I am gay.

A note about Spiro and those who take it (which are a lot of us before SRS), it is extremely variable, and can have some bad side effects on some people. One is I was sick as a dog, almost like a bad flu. I backed off the dosage, and worked my way up to the standard 200mg (2 doses, one morning and one evening). I was into martial arts, but it is affecting my balance quite a bit. I can still walk and chew gum, but now and then I stumble for no reason, I am used to having good balance.

The big one for me though is mood swings. Combined with depression this is not good. No one mentioned having PMS before I get estrogen, but it would not stop me if they had. Knowing what is causing it is a help, which is why I mention it.

One last comment, 2 out the 3 times I have visited my endo doc I left feeling pretty bad about myself, she does not have a good bedside manner. So I am arranging for a new doc. Probably just as well since I have not started the estrogen yet, at the moment the Spiro is for blood pressure. I won't go into all the disagreements, but I was told (while living less than 1000 calories a day) I think way too much of food and unless I followed a diet she recommended I would not loose the weight. I left her office feeling very bad about myself, and actually did stall at the 200 pound level I mentioned. Then I realized I was psyching myself out of the diet and had stopped exercising, and picked back up on what I had been doing.

And so it goes. I have had some rough times where I've reconsidered my decisions to stick around, but so far so good. I have been blessed with some very good friends, good insurance, and family to help me though the rough spots. Life isn't perfect, far from it, but it does seem to be getting better. I just wish I could be of more help to some the other folks I see struggling out there. I understand it all too well.

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