Contemplating the end of everything

I am sitting here at a new low, or maybe the same one I was at before. The long sleep is very appealing, but not for me, not yet.

Yesterday was my Birthday. It wasn't great, but it was OK. Somehow they seem better when you are younger. I am now 56.

I have started Spiro, mostly for blood pressure. For those not in the know, it is also a T-Blocker as well as an excellent hypertension drug. It is half the drugs given to folks starting to transition. I've been on it for several weeks, and it is having it's expected effects.

A quick bit of personal history, I hit a crisis back in May, it was either do something about my transgenderism or give it up, and join the other 31% of us who don't make it. I have a kid (not mine, my brothers, but I raised him) I love very much. It is the only reason I decided to continue. My brother committed suicide, it was the start of my spiral down. I got the kids, and did the best I could. It wasn't as much as I would have liked. Since then both parents died, and right after my Dad passed in 2008 I was diagnosed with diabetes. I already had hypertension. Basically I stopped caring, I stopped going to the doc or treating my various ailments. Some where in the back of my mind if I just dropped dead it wasn't suicide. My blood pressure has been as stroke levels for years, and yet I persist. It would be ironic now I have decided to live I dropped dead. I gave death a more that fair shot.

The boy (he isn't a boy though, not at 22 years old) wants to just drift along. He is finding getting job after waiting a year or three is not easy. We had a nice rowe this morning, which is part of the depression.

I guess I'm living up to my avatar, I am personally in a hurry, but I have decided to try to get as much weight off as I can. I started at 265, diabetes got me down to 235, and I've gotten me down to 205. I do not intend to stop until I hit 170 or less (a lot less), but I will be leaning on my doctor hard to keep from overdoing it.

I got a new doc because I was concerned how my old doc would handle it. This may have been a mistake. The new doc is a trans woman, apparently business is good in Dallas. All the docs are backed up for months for HRT and whatnot. She does not give straight answers, I have the feeling I'm supposed to accept her word on everything. I have been told I must follow a diet she is very fond of, one that eliminates about 95% of what I'm eating. It eliminates fruits with seeds, including bananas and tomatoes, anything white (bread and starch). I had an appointment with her yesterday, I asked her where the specifics of what I am supposed to be doing (instead of what I can't do), and was told it was in the book. I interpret that as she doesn't know, or couldn't be bothered to help, and I haven't found it yet. Reading this book is torture, it talks down, and the first 50 or so pages is selling the diet (I've already bought the darn book!) I bought two others for my GT and another trans friend.

She also told me I would not get HRT until I lost my weight and used her diet, I reminded her I had already told her long ago that I was loosing the weight, and don't need her help with that. I am also told if I don't follow her diet I will plateau, which shows she really isn't listening. I lived on a small minute stake every day for 6 weeks when I was in college, and lost over 30 pounds. It was a mistake, when I got down to 169 I declared myself done, and blimped out even worse. I will loose this weight, one way or another, with or without her help. She is also not very available as a general practitioner, unlike my experience in the past.

So I made an appointment with the old doc, and will come clean and apologize. I will treat the lady doc as a specialist, and if my dis-satisfaction increases I will find a new doctor. I will give the new diet a chance, when I come to the part where it tells me what to eat, but I am in no hurry, as I am 100% on track for what I need to be doing. Reading in general is still torture, which is why I am not here as much as I used to be.

The transition is still proceeding. I am practicing my cross dressing skills (is it cross dressing if it is part of becoming a woman?). Whatever. I've been out in public in androgynous clothing (read that girls clothes that aren't obvious about it), and will eventually get more adventurous. I have been to Electrology 3000, a hair removal place in Carrolton, and am actively getting laser treatments on my face to remove hair. The estrogen comes sometime in the future. I am told spiro can have minor estrogen like effects, as when the testosterone is removed there is only one thing left.

As for the diabetes, it spite of my best efforts (though I have watched what I eat carefully) it has not spiraled out of control. It could be weight loss and diet will help a lot on this front.

Now if there was something for male pattern baldness. I'm not too hopeful on that one. As my therapist says, I'll be wigging it for the rest of my life, baring medical breakthroughs.

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